Chapter Text
There was ringing in his ears. Shane realized he was still holding the wrapper of his frozen salmon after having set the filet on a plate. The frostiness and condensation were gross and at any other time would have made him cringe and run to toss it away.
But right now.
But right now…
Shane wet his lips carefully, swallowed to clear the dryness in his mouth. Swallowed again. Opened his mouth. Closed it. Stared hard at the sad semi frozen filet on Ilya’s IKEA plate.
He could see Ilya - his boyfriend, his partner, the person he thought was his forever - in the corner of his eye, standing idly by the microwave. Looking casual as ever, leaning against the counter in the effortless way he did most things, arms crossed, biceps bulging deliciously. If Shane were in his right mind and not currently spiraling, he would have picked up on the tightness around those blue eyes, the tension at the edges of that perfect mouth. Incidentally, though Shane had gotten very good at recognizing the little signs that Ilya was feigning his indifference in order to not deal with his emotions, he was barely holding it together enough to keep breathing let alone try to parse through the various nonverbal ticks his love was expressing.
He cleared his throat, trying to sound casual, “what?” He saw the shrug.
“I mean we are apart for most of time. It would make sense if you wanted to…explore.”
Explore?! Explore, as if Shane was some sort of curious adventurer, and Ilya was talking about his next trip to the Andes or something. What was there to explore? Shane knew what he liked, and what he liked was Ilya, his Ilya. The first boy he let himself notice, even before he realized what it meant.
Shane was perfectly happy exploring the extent of his sexual desires within the bounds of their committed (or so he thought) relationship. And he knew he had less experience than Ilya, but he also knew that he didn’t want experience if it meant having to touch other people who were not Ilya, and having those other people touching him. He thought Ilya was fine with that, happy with that, happy with him, happy with their very active and experimental sex life. They had tried so many things, stuff that worked and stuff that didn’t, but Shane was never bored.
Oh my god, was Ilya bored? Was that it? Did Ilya want something different…something more? Was he saying this because he, Ilya, wanted to “explore”? Was he finally done testing out this whole monogamous thing and missing his old ways? But no, Ilya always seemed satisfied and happy with his desire for Shane. He was always horny for Shane, the same way Shane was for him. But maybe…maybe Shane should be doing more? Shane had realized he loved when Ilya took control during their sexual encounters. Especially at the beginning, when all he knew was that he loved kissing this annoying Russian boy but also couldn’t think when he was in the vicinity. Ilya’s direct instructions were easy to follow and seemed to also excite Ilya. The fact that Shane was so eager to follow his commands, so desperate for Ilya’s touch that his brain stopped working. But maybe it was tiring. Maybe he was finally bored of having to always dictate what to do. Though it wasn’t always true as much anymore. Yes, Ilya would be commanding and dominating, but Shane was better at reading Ilya’s needs. They had even done a little bit of a role reversal every now and then. Shane had realized relatively early on after the cottage that Ilya’s need to please his partners was probably the biggest thing that turned him on. Shane had seen first hand how much effort and energy Ilya put into making sure Shane felt good. It got him off.
But still, maybe he wanted something different. Maybe he missed sleeping with women? Fuck is that it? Maybe he missed the exciting life he used to lead, going out, casually hooking up with multiple attractive people?
Well, I can’t be a woman, but maybe I can make things more exciting? Is he not satisfied anymore?
Shane decided right then, still holding the disgusting cold and wet wrapper, staring at his salmon, that he would figure out how to get better. There was never a problem that his overthinking and analytical self could not figure out a plan for. He would do it, he would figure out what Ilya needed, do his research, practice, and become everything Ilya needed.