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Shane almost ran out of Rozanov’s house. He tried to keep himself as calm as possible and made a flimsy excuse about forgetting his plan to meet Hayden later that he’s sure Rozanov saw right through.
~*~*~*~
The day started out beautifully.
The Voyageurs had been on a five-game winning streak this away trip and Boston was game number six on the road. The Raiders played exceptionally well, as they often do when playing against their rivals from Montreal, and the Voyageurs matched them goal for goal. Shane was always surprised how much fun it was to face Rozanov on the ice, pure exhilarating joy of blades, sticks, and pucks hitting ice.
Shane had one goal and an assist when Boston and Montreal were tied in the third period. The clock was ticking down and he really didn’t want to go into overtime; plans to meet up after the game were made with Rozanov when the team flew in yesterday, and every extra minute on the ice meant a delay in a different kind of gratification that was making Shane want to crawl out of his own skin.
Hayden managed to steal the puck and quickly passed to Shane, who took it across the blue line, weaving through Raiders’ defense like they weren’t even there. Marlow was close to the crease and attempted to block Shane from shooting. Shane glanced over to his right where Hayden had positioned himself, dropped his shoulder and head as if to pass, then immediately spun around, sending the puck through the tight space he spotted between the defense and their goalie with a flick of his wrist.
There were seven seconds left on the clock when the horn sounded, as Shane glided across the ice, colliding with his teammates for the victory celebrations, BOS-MTL 3-4 proudly displaced on the boards in an arena filled with boos.
Shane wished this was the end of a playoff series so he could gloat at Rozanov from the handshake line, hands lingering just a tad too long, knowing full well that playing a beautiful game of hockey always got Rozanov worked up.
With adrenaline pumping, Shane quickly went through the post-game routines – cooldown, changing, showering, press, post-game physio/massage, brief chat with the rookies fulfilling his captain duties – and finally, finally, he was able to slip away before being pulled into any celebratory shenanigans, excusing himself in favour of more rest this late into their roadie. Luckily, this was not unusual behaviour for Shane, and the Voyageurs easily accepted his excuse with mild chirping. Whatever. Hayden would cover for him if he got back past curfew.
~*~*~*~
It was uncharacteristically warm for early spring but Shane shivered under his light jacket, likely from adrenaline more than anything temperature related, at the same time as sweating through his t-shirt.
The street was dim with sparse lights around gates and driveways leading to, presumably, large homes hidden behind tall hedges. Shane didn’t see anyone as he strode down the quiet street, but he supposed it’s late even for last-time-of-the-day dog walks.
Shane had ordered an Uber as he walked down Rozanov’s driveway opting for a pickup location a couple of streets away because he couldn’t stand to stay on the property for a minute longer, lest Rozanov came out to talk to him. Unlikely, but possible. He was now beginning to regret this decision since it’s infinitely more suspicious to loiter on the quiet residential street, although it’s dark enough that even if he was caught on one of the security cameras, no one would be able to recognize him. It will be fine, Shane thought to himself as he checked on the app, noting the driver was now only five minutes away, I just need to hold it together for another five minutes.
After typing out a quick message for Hayden to meet him at the hotel bar, Shane pulled on his jacket tighter and walked toward his pickup location.
~*~*~*~
It took three more messages and one phone call during the Uber ride to get through to Hayden but Shane barely had to wait at the low lounge seat in the corner of the hotel bar before Hayden plopped down beside him.
Hayden gets a beer and Shane orders a ginger ale and water for both of them. Shane’s phone buzzed in his pocket loud enough for Hayden to notice, but he didn’t make any comments when Shane didn’t answer it.
“Hey man,” Hayden said with a goofy smile that meant he was pleasantly tipsy but not anywhere near blackout drunk. “You finally decide it’s important to also celebrate after a big win with your best friend?”
“Uhm,” Shane stammered.
“Yo, you do you, I’m not saying you owe me anything. I know bars and clubs aren’t your scene.” Hayden waived a hand dismissively. “So how was Lily?”
Shane was grateful that their drinks hadn’t arrived yet because he immediately choked on his own saliva, or maybe just air. He pulled on the hem of his sleeves nervously, not sure where to begin.
“I’m just gonna ask so don’t take it the wrong way. Are you hurt?”
“What the – No! Why would I be?” Shane shot up from his careful examination of the table in front of him, bewildered.
“Just asking man,” Hayden held up both of his hands, which made Shane both annoyed and very, very warm and fuzzy from the inside. “You gotta give me something man. You’ve been seeing her forever. Unless you are actually a trained spy and are a lot more stealthy than you let on, I don’t think you’ve ever come back early. Or this upset.”
After a moment’s pause, Shane replied, “I’m… I’m not seeing her.” He was also not upset (why would he be), and they’ve not been doing whatever it was they were doing forever. Shane decided to keep all that to himself.
“Okay,” Hayden nodded slowly in a way that suggested he understood something. Shane was not sure what that thing was since he had no fucking clue what was going on. “And why do you say that?”
“Why do I say what?”
Hayden took a deep breath in and out. He adjusted his seat so he’s leaning back into the corner more comfortably and was facing Shane more directly. “Let’s start again. You went to meet up with Lily after the game –”
Shane opened his mouth to interrupt, well, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. Deny that he went to see Lily? But Hayden held up a hand and kept on talking, “We are not leaving until tomorrow afternoon, so normally I wouldn’t expect you to be back until the morning. Did something happen? Did she do something? Did you do something?”
“No! No, but maybe?”
“You better start from the beginning bro.”
Luckily Shane was saved by the waitress coming back with their drinks. He took that time to gather himself and whatever dignity he had left. His ginger ale glass was already fogged up. The bubbles in the drink looked encased in a snowglobe.
“I need you to not be weird about this, Hayds.”
“C’mon, you are my best friend Shane! I would never!”
“We’ll see about that.” Shane muttered under his breath. The music was loud and Hayden seemed open and relaxed, so this might be his best chance. “What does it mean when people use a pet name like ‘baby’ or ‘sweetheart’ instead of someone’s actual name?”
“I’m assuming you don’t mean it the way the 90-year-old receptionist at Jackie’s obstetrician’s office insists on calling everyone a sweetie, including grandparents in their 60s.” Shane’s pretty sure Hayden was just trying to mess with him, in a good way, to make things easier for Shane. They both knew it was often a challenge for Shane to process all the social cues correctly.
“No. But like, did you ever do that? Before Jackie? Like maybe you didn’t bother remembering their names and it was just easier to say baby?”
“What the fuck? No! Who do you take me for? Look, you know I didn’t pick-up much before Jackie was in the picture, but I always remember the girl’s name when I have sex." Hayden shuddered, half disgusted, half relieved, like he just got rid of something repulsive from his body. “Not knowing their name is just rude. And backward. I don’t do that shit”
“No way Lily doesn’t remember your name. You guys have been, whatever, for how long? Also, do you even hear yourself, Shane Hollander? You told me she knows hockey. In what world would she not remember your name?”
Shane just shrugged, “Not like that. But if they have a lot of people that they, uhm, do stuff with…”
“You can say ‘sex’, Shane.” Hayden took a swig of his beer and motioned for Shane to continue.
“Sure. Whatever. All I’m saying is if they have a lot of people they have sex with, maybe it’s easier to not use names, in case you know, they get it wrong accidentally.”
Hayden pulled back in his seat and gave Shane the side-eye. “You’re seriously suggesting that she’s got Shane Hollander’s undivided attention and doesn’t want to lock you down?”
“We are not serious.” Shane tried to act as nonchalant as possible, but by the look Hayden was giving him, he was failing miserably.
“Let’s say, she’s got a high body count, which is totally fine, because you guys have not been serious,” Shane could practically hear the air quotes. “So maybe she’s using skills she’s perfected elsewhere on you. What’s the problem?”
“I’m not saying there’s a problem!” That came out more forcefully than Shane intended.
“Uh-huh. There’s no problem. But now you’re freaking out because she called you ‘baby’.”
Shane didn’t know what to say so he continued to stare at his ginger ale and lightly tapped his fingernails against the glass. The cold touch and clicking grounded him.
“Have you talked to her about it?”
Shane shook his head but otherwise didn’t make a sound.
Hayden set his beer down and used the hand that held the beer to rub his face as if that would give him some extra clarity to the situation.
“Do you want it to be more? It’s ok to want more, you know? Maybe she wants the same.”
Shane shook his head again. “Maybe. Yes. I don’t know. But I can’t.” He felt so stupid not knowing his own thoughts. Everything was starting to feel closed in again. It was getting harder for him to breathe.
Hayden must have sensed that too because he moved as close to Shane as possible without touching him and set his hand next to the glass Shane was now holding tightly in his hands,
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You are okay.”
Shane nodded numbly. Hayden was his best friend and he trusted him like no one else.
“How about we get outta here and go up, yah?” Hayden threw down a twenty dollar bill and motioned Shane to follow as he stood.
~*~*~*~
They barely made it back to their shared room before Shane collapsed in the closest chair with his head resting between his legs. Hayden went into the bathroom to get Shane a wet washcloth to put over his face.
He was glad he knew Shane well enough to be able to do this for him but hated the fact that his best friend had to deal with it at all.
Either the cold washcloth was more effective than usual or Shane had used up most of his adrenaline on the way back from Lily’s, his breathing calmed down quickly. Hayden was infinitely grateful that Shane didn’t have to have what was most likely a second panic attack in one day.
Hayden sat down in the other chair in the room with two bottled waters from the fridge, opening one, and setting it by Shane. Shane probably didn’t think he should attempt too much liquid in his stomach right this moment so he just nodded to Hayden as thanks without taking a drink.
The two of them sat in silence for a few more minutes until Shane felt comfortable enough to talk again.
“I’m sorry, Hayds.”
“Don’t even mention it. I shouldn’t have pushed that hard just now.” Hayden had in fact been feeling bad the second he started asking questions. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut, huh? He knew Shane tended to overthink and had a difficult time with emotions.
Hayden was an idiot for pushing him when he was obviously already in distress. Some friend he was. Sure, Hayden may be a dumb hockey player (he could already hear Jackie’s fond tsk-tsks in his head, used whenever “you dismiss your own intelligence”; her words, not his), he truly just wanted his friend to find happiness, like he had with Jackie. And for whatever reason, for the last however many years, Lily was that person, on an ongoing consistent basis.
“Maybe that’s what I needed. I think I have all these feelings inside – and I don’t know how to – it's messing with me.”
“You don’t have to say anything. We don’t have to talk about it. I’m your best friend but you don’t owe me anything.” Hayden smiled at him openly and follow-up with a quiet, “Unless you want to?”
“I –”
Shane’s phone started buzzing again, which sounded much louder in the quiet hotel room. He pulled it out of his back pocket and the screen lit up with Lily’s name. They both stared at the phone like it was about to do something drastic, like, become alive.
“Do you want to get that?”
“No, not right now.” Shane cancelled the call but didn’t turn off his phone.
“You wanna call it a night?” Hayden offered Shane an out. “Or talk. Whatever you want, I’m here.”
Shane stared at his now dark phone screen some more and nodded. Did that mean he wanted to go to bed or talk? Hayden didn’t know.
“I don’t — I don’t know how to do this.”
“I’m pretty sure there’s no right or wrong. We just freestyle it. You know I always back your play, right?”
“Right. Uhm, I want to tell you something. Something big. I’ve not told anyone else. I want to tell you because you are my best friend, but also this thing is eating me alive.”
Hayden nodded automatically. He was starting to understand the gravity of whatever was happening. This was so completely different from the normal Shane, who was reserved, private, and never, ever volunteered to share anything personal. It’d be a complete lie to say he wasn’t scared. He wanted to make light of the situation by saying like I hope you don’t have cancer and then blanched at the thought. God, I hope Shane doesn’t have Cancer. What the fuck!
“I’m gay.”
Shane was now looking at him with large scared eyes, lips trembling, eyes glassy. Hayden let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Okay, good, no one has cancer. That’s great.
“I tried, Hayds, I tried really hard to not be this way. The girls I’ve been with… for many years, I tried telling myself I just haven’t met the right girl, but deep down I always knew that was a lie —”
Hayden needed to respond fast, preferably before Shane decided he was a homophobic asshole – right, okay, Shane was his best friend and he loved Shane – and willed himself to take a big inhale and –
“Shane, buddy, none of that. You didn’t do anything wrong. Thanks for sharing this… important part of you with me. Uh, I’ve never done this before, shit, I’ll most likely mess something up. But I love you man. You are my best friend, uncle to my children. I’m in your corner. And your happiness means the world to me. That’ll never change.”
“And I’m sorry for trying to set you up with Jackie’s female friends. Even though they were all insanely hot.”
That got a wobbly chuckle out of Shane, which Hayden counted it as a win. “I won’t tell Jackie you said her friends are hot.”
“Sure, bud. Those are Jackie’s words, not mine. I’ve never met any of them.”
“If you say so.”
Hayden was glad at least part of their normal banter had returned, so he decided to just go for it, “And Lily, Lily is not a she?”
“Nope.” The p was a sharp release of air, but so light it was almost inaudible if Hayden weren’t sitting next to him.
That made sense, why Shane never brought Lily to any team events and even denied her existence often. Hayden was actually relieved. For a long time he was worried that Shane was having an affair with a married woman or he was seeing someone much older, not that age was a problem (maybe?), but it could have been the reason nobody had ever met his girlfriend.
“I’m happy for you buddy.” Hayden was relieved to see the first genuine smile of the night on Shane’s face. “Does Lily… go by another name?”
“I can’t – It’s not really my secret to tell.”
Hayden agreed hastily. “Of course. I’m guessing he’s not out either?”
Shane shook his head, the corners of his mouth tugged down. “It’s not safe for him where he’s from, literally and legally, if people knew. He’s taking a huge risk.”
Oh. He’d never been more glad to be Canadian, not that there weren’t homophobic assholes, but for the most part, people were open, accepting, and without intention to cause bodily harm (Outside of hockey culture, Jackie’s voice in his head reminded him. Well, shit.). Hayden couldn’t imagine the amount of pressure that might be, hiding a huge part of you from everyone, not knowing whether a single word or act might give you away, put you in danger. He tried to picture a world where he couldn’t touch or kiss Jackie freely and felt his chest might just hollow out.
“And this –” Hayden paused and chose his next words with care, “connection the two of you had, it’s been going on for years? I can’t imagine how hard that must be.”
Nodding rapidly, Shane pressed his lips together. “I tried so hard to not make it into something it’s not. Something it can’t be. We both did, I think. It’s been getting more real, and we both don’t know how to stop wanting something we can’t have. I’ve never met anyone I’m so in sync with. We barely see each other, but every time we are in the same space, it’s like my black and white world is suddenly full of colour. He’s the only one who understands what I've been through, the only one at my level. Every time our skates hit the same ice –”
Shane stopped abruptly, eyes wide, hands flying to cover his mouth. He’d said too much.
And suddenly, Hayden realized it too. ‘Lily' was another player in the MLH.
Still reeling in shock, Hayden felt a blooming soreness behind his chest, so immediate that if he didn’t do something right away, the burning behind his eyes would turn into real waterworks in no time. There were so many feelings that he was sure Jackie would know how to describe if she were here but he had no words for right now. He quickly warned Shane, “I’m going to give you a hug now. You can say no, but I think I really need one right now.” Hayden took the severe eye roll from Shane while muttering something that sounded like for fuck’s sake as a yes and just went for it.
The position was awkward as fuck because Hayden only half stood and Shane was still sitting down, but it was one of best hugs they’ve shared because he felt Shane relax slightly and actually squeezed back.
“That’s good. I’m happy for you. It doesn’t matter who he is or who you are as long as you are happy.” Hayden pulled back and gave Shane his best smile, trying to convey how much he supported Shane. “And what we talked about today will stay between us. Until you tell me otherwise.”
“We are not really…whatever” Shane whispered, voice sounding wet with a hint of something akin to exasperation. Hayden no longer believed him, but yah, it was brave of Shane. And Lily.
As if on cue, Shane’s phone, which was sitting on the low table between them, buzzed and lit up again. It wasn’t a call this time but a string of texts.
what the fuck hollander
answer the fucking phone
or tell me your not dead
And then a few seconds later,
call me back
i’m worried about you shane
Hayden didn’t mean to pry but the messages were right in front of him.
“Maybe you want to –”
“I should probably –”
They spoke at the same time.
“Just text or call him.” Hayden gestured to the space in front of them, “he’s worried. Maybe you guys can work something out, yah? Tell him what you want, and if he doesn’t want the same, it’s his loss. And I will be here for you. Whatever you guys need.”
He wasn’t sure Shane processed all of it, but he bobbed his head up and down. His eyes were suspiciously shiny. Hayden would bet that his own were probably the same.
To give Shane some privacy, Hayden made a quick executive decision, “I’m, uhm, feeling peckish, just gonna grab something to eat downstairs. Text me if you are going to leave, okay?”
Shane ambled over and gave Hayden a brief tight squeeze before waving him away, which on any other day would have been enough for Hayden to either run to get his sanity checked or burst out crying happy tears on the spot (Shane had never hugged him unprompted!).
~*~*~*~
Hayden walked down the hotel corridor as calmly as he could, heart pounding so hard in his chest and threatening to jump out. He itched to call Jackie but knew he couldn’t, not until Shane okay’d it.
What a day. Lily, the Boston Lily Shane’d been with (on and off) for probably as long as Hayden had known him, was in the MLH. On the Raiders. An elite player. They had been risking their entire careers to be (not) together, and Lily was risking his own safety because some asshat backward countries probably had draconian laws that put queer people in danger, like in Russia or whatever –
Oh fuck!