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If Derek was going to be honest with himself – and what time was better to be honest than now, when he was literally dying– he'd always wanted to die.
He wasn't suicidal, per se, but he'd always hated being alive. Being alive was a burden on himself, it was torment wrapped in a package of love and joy and beautiful moments. Being alive meant the crushing weight of expectation. It meant learning to navigate a world that didn't want him. It meant he'd always have people telling him that he was wrong. He loved too hard, too fast, too earnest. He was too honest and thought too much and talked too much, but also he didn't talk enough and why didn't he talk more?
Then he opened his mouth and suddenly, everyone else had other places to be.
So, Derek hated being alive. Again, he wasn't suicidal. That required a plan, didn't it? Walking too early at crosswalks and being as unhealthy as he possibly could weren't suicide attempts. They just…weren't.
Derek wasn't suicidal, he just wanted to die. There was a very valid difference in the two.
'So you wanted this?' The kings voice hissed somewhere from within his mind, where, Derek wasn't exactly sure. The 'god' had been squirming around up there in his mind for a while now. Derek flinched at the pain and didn't even try to talk. It all hurt too much.
The king didn't respond, either. Derek knew for a fact it felt all the pain he felt, so he pressed the pen nib harder into into his palm. He'd picked up the pen in a final attempt to write a note to his mom, and he actually managed to finish it awhile ago. This was a slow death.
The kind Derek had always wanted the least. Drats.
The pen nib was covered in blood at this point, and Derek was sure his hand was a bloody mess, but the pain was light. No, actually, it wasn't; but he was feeling pain everywhere. The pain in his hand was indistinguishable from the pain in his brain.
The king was rearing to speak again. Derek flinched as soon as the first hiss came.
'You have nobody to blame but yourself.' It said, as if Derek didn't already know. He stared at the computer screen, glowing bright in the pitch black room. It didn't stop the pain anymore.
If anything, it just made the pain worse.
He couldn't wait to die.
'Why?' Derek flinched from the additional sharp pain, but didn't press the pen again. 'There's nothing waiting for you upon your death. No grand reward, for taking me down with you.'
Derek felt like laughing, though he refrained because that would hurt too much. He'd never believed in an afterlife. No heaven or hell or reincarnation or nirvana or whatever.
If he was being honest– again with the honesty, man he was on a roll– the idea of all those paradises made him sick. The idea of living for eternity right after dying, which was supposed to free him from being alive, didn't sit with him well. He hated being alive on principle. Why would he ever want to be alive again?
Don't even get him started on the whole 'eternal pleasure' thing–
'So it doesn't intrigue you? Infinite life?' The King, very rudely, interrupted. Derek (mentally, he couldn't handle the pain if he did it physically) sighed, fiddling with the pen in his hand.
No. Infinite life did not intrigue him. Well, maybe if he was reincarnated as a lizard, he'd consider it. But that was really the only afterlife he was willing to accept. Anything else was a solid, absolute no.
He wanted to die.
Really, deep down, he can admit to himself that the real reason he took on the king in his collapsing mind wasn't to save the earth or whatever. He did it because this was his chance to finally, finally die already. He only stayed as long as he did for…
Well, for Avery. And his mom, but his moms life would be better without him in it anyway.
Avery, Derek could see the possibilities. So many of them were good. Avery was so kind, and so loyal, and so thoughtful, and Derek would never be able to see any of it.
Which was fine with him. He didn't warn Avery because he wanted a future with him in it (well he did, but that wasn't the reason), he warned Avery because he loved him.
And maybe his mom had always told him that you can't love someone you don't know.
But Derek knew Avery a million times over, and he fell in love with every one.
A million sets of eyes, and he could see a future in all of them. Even though they'd never happen. Derek could see them, and that was enough.
The fireworks were still going outside. He'd managed to survive to 2026, even though he didn't make it to his next birthday. He'd made it, and that was enough. His sixteen year old self would be…well, maybe not proud, but happy enough.
A particularly loud firework soared through the night sky outside, exploding what felt like right outside his window, bathing the room in red and green light, just for a moment. It was beautiful.
It fizzled out, as all things do, and Derek was shrouded in darkness once again save for his computer screen.
It hit him, suddenly, that he had nothing to celebrate with. No food, no friends, no family. No new years kiss. An experience he'd never have.
He'd never own a home or have a pet snake or get married or have kids or travel the world, or get to graduate college.
He'd never get to do anything at all, after this. And maybe they were little moments, milestones that meant nothing in comparison to the vastness of the universe he loved so much, but right now they did mean something to him.
He'd never live again. Never experience again. Never love again. He'd never get to hug Avery or see his moms face one last time, or tell her he loved her–
He needed comfort right now.
He opened the mini fridge again, staring at the empty contents.
Right, he'd run out of food hours ago. He'd had nothing to comfort him as he made the worst and best decision of his very-short life. The memory caused him to flinch. It had only been about an hour ago, and yet…
It still made his heart hurt.
'Maybe if you hadn't interfered—'
Derek pressed the nib of the pen into his palm again, drawing more blood. Shut up.
Man, he couldn't wait to die.
Derek's very last words were spoken into the receiver of a cell-phone,a voicemail sent to a woman by the name of Karol Hutchins.
Recorded where the four last words of the worlds savior:
'I love you, mom.'