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Ivan started listening not too long ago and fell in love with the dj’s voice. Slightly raspy but when he hits high notes it’s clear and powerful. His original music varies in genre but you can always tell how passionate he is with his lyrics and vocal delivery. It also helped that he sounded a lot like a certain ashen he’d been smitten with since they were kids.
"I can’t stop listening to his song ‘Cure’. His voice is too addicting. I thought his debut ‘Until the End’ was good but this was incredible. It’s so heart wrenchingly amazing and the way his voice-"
Ivan babbled more as Till glanced at him. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a little jealous. After all, he’s had a crush on his childhood friend for a few years now. But the fact that Ivan was gushing about Till’s own work to Till made it too embarrassing to tell him the truth. He didn’t mean to lie to him but he also wanted to maintain their friendship. Ivan had always been there, even when Till went through his cringy younger years, professing his love for their mutual pink haired friend who very graciously rejected him.
Till frowns in the hopes that Ivan doesn’t notice how red he’s getting listening to his secret compliments. "He’s not all that great. He’s just a radio host. I don't know why you’re so obsessed with him."
"You shouldn’t be jealous just because he’s way more successful than you Till."
"I’m not!" Till shouts. But his red cheeks give him away. While Ivan may not know the real reason Till is jealous, he doesn’t need to know that. Ivan gives him a curious look but then drops it.
Till attempts to change the subject, “By the way, can you come out tonight? Mizi and Sua wanted to go to this movie." He grumbles.
Ivan’s smile slightly drops. "That sounds nice but my parents want me home for dinner. It’s important." Till knew Ivan’s parents could be overbearing. It's one of the many reasons that despite their bickering, Till let Ivan come over all the time when they were kids.
"Oh, ok. Fine then." Till doesn’t hide his disappointment but instead tries to bury it under anger.
“What? Gonna miss me that much?” Ivan teases, grinning like a cat.
Yes, Till thinks.
“Fuck no.” He lies. “The girls just thought I'd be nice to invite us.”
“That’s sweet, tell them hi for me.” Ivan just laughs.
Till mentally kicks himself for not just saying what he wanted then and there, but for Ivan his duties to his family always come first.
He’s bummed as he mentally reminds himself to text Mizi and Sua a rain check later. No point in third wheeling them if he doesn't have his own crush with him. Watching the two of them would just remind him how much he wished Ivan would be there too.
Later that night Unsha speaks up during dinner. "Don’t forget we have a relative staying with us soon. I know you play that radio in your room and I want that to stop while they’re here. We don’t want to disturb them," He gracefully eats a chunk of steak from his plate.
Ivan also weakly takes a bite of his much smaller steak and feigns a smile. "Yes father, I’II put it away for the week,"
“Also, there’s a business expo coming up soon. You'll be the one manning the booth so be sure to review the materials before then.”
“Yes father.” Ivan plasters a grin on his face. The rest of dinner continues on in silence as Ivan is left silently spiraling.
He's devastated. It may sound dramatic but "Unknown’s" music and radio show really help his mental health. No pressure from Unsha, no unrequited love talking about wanting a “partner” that would never be him, just an hour of listening to music and letters sent in to a host who sounds like his said crush.
He decided since he can’t listen for a week, he might as well listen tonight so he can get his fill. The dj’s voice comes on and his powerful tone shakes Ivan’s heart a bit.
"I’ve been feeling kind of conflicted lately about someone in my life. Not anger more like confusion. It’s not a negative feeling but thinking about this person has been keeping me up at night."
Ivan listens curiously. “Unknown” often talks about his struggles but it was more general worries or artistic conflicts. He didn’t expect the DJ to talk about something so personal.
“Unknown” pauses, clearly thinking. "So before I go here’s an excerpt of a song. Not sure what I’ll call it yet but I’ll figure it out." He starts playing a drum backing track with synths.
"I feel so pathetic
Whenever I stand in front of you
I can’t say a word,
I turn back around every day"
The song finishes and Ivan is left thinking. A pop-y love song? That’s interesting considering he’s more into rock. “Unknown” has always seemed more somber or at times hardcore. Hearing something so different from his main genre was captivating. His voice didn’t feel out of place, it sounded like a real song about It’s lovesick author.
He wonders who's this person “Unknown” wrote this for? Is the DJ in an unrequited love just like him? The thought made Ivan stan him even harder. He continued to listen for the hour before putting the radio away for the following week. The next day he proceeded to blab about it to Till.
"It’s really unusual. A pop song? He’s always made heavy songs. But that’s actually cute. I wish I could catch his next broadcast."
Till perks up at this. "Wait, why wouldn’t you? You’re obsessed with him right?"
"A family relative is staying with us for the next week. My father told me not to play my radio during that time." Ivan gives a pouty face that Till wants to squish.
Even though it was childish, Till could tell he was actually upset by this. It made his heart hurt to think Ivan was once again putting himself aside just because someone told him to. Till didn’t want him to feel like he ever needed to pretend around him.
He then comes up with an idea. "Then why don’t you come over to my place? Forget that unknown guy, we can just chill." Till suggests. Eager to finally have some alone time without "Unknown" being brought up every ten minutes.
"But Till he’s my oshi. Why can’t I just listen at your place?" Ivan questions.
Till is quick to hide his alter ego in fear of Ivan finding out he’s being tricked.
"Um it’s my place, my rules. Look why don’t you just come over, I'll get those strawberry chocolate croissants you like, it’ll be nice." Till’s cheeks turned a bright red at the realization he was basically inviting Ivan over for a home date.
Ivan felt a little annoyed at Till’s outright distaste for "Unknown" but he’d take all he could get. If he could avoid his family for this next week he would. And spending time with Till would definitely cheer him up.
"Alright, I'll come over if I don’t have family dinners." He smiled. That same kind of sad smile whenever he didn’t want to admit what he was feeling.
Till felt a little disappointed. Ivan didn’t seem as happy but he’d do everything to try and make him forget about his stupid family and that stupid "Unknown" guy.
It felt silly to be jealous of yourself but the way Ivan talked about him like he was a lovesick groupie made Till want to punch the guy. Granted that guy was himself but as long as he could still provide comfort to Ivan as "Unknown" then he would continue to do just that. At least until he could admit the truth.
Over the next few days Ivan had stopped by and stayed late into the night, or overnight on one day. Till had carefully put away his mic and equipment to hide it from Ivan. and even posted on social media to say "Unknown was taking a short break to work on his new song". Which wasn’t entirely untrue but he would never tell someone it was to spend time with one of those very listeners.
The nights with each other were great, it felt like they were kids again, playing video games, watching movies, eating a gallon of ice cream (that was mostly Ivan but still). Except this time around Till was tiptoeing to try and woo Ivan.
Inching closer to him on the couch, subtly putting his arm around the back, almost like it was actually around Ivan's shoulders. His hands ghosted over the small of Ivan’s back when they were in the kitchen. Adjusting Ivan’s hands when Till tried to show him the basic chords on his guitar and lingering a bit longer than expected. Everything seemed perfect until.
"Sorry Till, tomorrow I have to be at dinner with my parents. It’s almost time for that relative to leave so I need to be there." Ivan sounded so matter of fact, calm. But his eyes showed a deep sadness at having to leave.
The next day Ivan has dinner with his family. It goes about as well as one thinks it would go. The person staying with them accuses Ivan of being ungrateful for not spending more time with the family while they’re there. Saying how much they "missed" Ivan and that he was being "antisocial". They then slap him. But like the model son he is, Ivan simply apologizes and spends the rest of the evening cooing compliments to this relative to make them feel better as their hand uncomfortably grips Ivan’s thigh.
That night Ivan is so exhausted but glad that the week is finally over. He decided to go to Tills in a desperate attempt to wash the shame from his body. He doesn’t even text, he just walks to Till’s and breaks in through the window. He did this a few times growing up, much to Till’s chagrin, and although he stopped some time in high school, Ivan didn’t feel like exchanging pleasantries tonight. He just needed to hear his voice.
He opens the window and notices Till isn’t there. His desk light is on but he’s not in the room. Ivan steps inside and notices the sheet music on his desk. He also notices the mic stand and audio interface it’s plugged into. That’s weird, where did he go. The mic setup was new to Ivan but not unexpected. He knew Till made music, just not that he recorded it or posted online.
He walks up to the desk and looks over everything. The interface is plugged into his computer and some midi software is open on screen.
"Wow, so professional," he thought.
As he looked at the music closer it seemed familiar. He hit the preview button and the melody started playing. Backing drums and a synth. This was "Unknown's" latest song wasn't it? He looked at the papers on the side table and saw it was a bunch of letters addressed to "Unknown". some of the open ones Ivan recognized because he'd heard them being read on air.
The pieces immediately began to click. "Unknown" didn't just sound like Till, he was Till. The realization suddenly knocked him down as he sat on Till's floor reading the sheet music scratched in lyrical changes. He silently went over it all, shame and mortification washing over him. He'd been gushing about Till to himself this entire time. He figured if Till was never destined to return his feelings, he might as well bug him with how much he liked this radio musician not knowing it was himself all along.
Then a quiet squeak. Till's bedroom door opened and he stood there. The convenience store bag in his hand dropped to the ground.
"Ivan! W-what are you doing here? I thought you stayed with your parents tonight?" He blurted out, trying not to seem too panicked but failing.
Ivan looked up, "I wanted to come over."
"Then text me asshole! How did you get in? What were you thinking?" Till started to shout at him again but upon closer inspection he noticed Ivan's expression. It was tight, filled with shame. He looked like he was going to be sick.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Till asks.
Ivan doesn't answer.
"Hey, answer me. What did they do to you?" Till asks again, more concerned now. Till then approached and sat down next to Ivan on the floor. a long silence follows.
"You know, ‘Unknown's' music always made me feel a bit better. Like maybe whatever hurt I felt was also something he's felt." Ivan pauses waiting for Till, but instead Till just sits, conflicted.
"Were you ever going to tell me?"
Till looked away for a moment, "I wanted to. One day. I just didn't know how to put it." He scratched the back of his neck.
"Well I guess this is probably pretty funny for you huh?" Ivan pulled his face into what looked like a smile. "I'll admit, I'm pretty embarrassed thinking about how I'd talk about him to you. You really are talented, I thought 'Unknown' sounded like you sometimes but I guess I shouldn't have underestimated you."
Ivan started to get up. "Good job. I'll see you later, sorry to disturb you."
But Till grabbed his hand. He looked up and saw Ivan was about to cry. "W-wait, you're not going back are you?"
"Why?" Till pulled him back down.
Ivan stared back at him, incredulously. "I just found out you're 'Unknown'. Aren't you creeped out that I've been gushing about you this entire time? I'll stop listening if it's weird and I promise I won't leak this info."
Till then felt his heart drop. "Why would I be creeped out? You-you didn't do anything wrong."
"Because I've been trying to run away." Ivan fell to his knees, not facing Till. "I thought if I could take these feelings away from you and put them somewhere else, I could get over it. But all I ended up doing was pushing my feelings onto you again." He smiled a sad smile and let out a breath he was holding.
Till looked at the ground as well before breaking the silence. "Why would you think that? and what do you mean "feelings"? Aren't I the weird one, I mean I wrote all those songs thinking about you." He trailed off the end of his sentence.
This confused Ivan. He snapped his head back and stared at Till with a shocked confusion. "Yeah I," Till swallowed, the blood rushing to his face and turning him into a tomato. "I've kinda had a crush on you for a while. But I didn't know if I should say anything, I mean we're best friends right. And you-you never seemed interested in relationships so I thought maybe you just didn't see me that way."
Till brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself. "So I wrote those songs to get it out of my system and started putting them online. I didn't think they'd get as popular as they are and ended up liking the whole dj thing."
It felt like a door had opened up inside Ivan. All the pieces were coming together and formed a new image of Till‘s face. He honestly did not expect his feelings to be heard, let alone returned. Not exactly sure what to do, he reached out and grabbed Till’s shoulder.
“You really wrote those about me?” Ivan’s dark eyes stared into Till’s core with such intensity he was almost too scared to move.
“Yeah, in fact,” Till got up from the floor and sat at his desk. He took the mouse in his hand and began to shift around in the midi program, opening a new file. He then took his electric guitar and plugged it into a small amp, adjusting some knobs. He hit play on the computer and a repeating drum track played. His hand immediately went to play a guitar rift. Distant, sad sounding but still full of the passion he always felt from “Unknown”.
He then started signing, soft and so full of emotion it sounded like he was about to cry. But Ivan was so mesmerized he couldn’t look away. He had seen Till play before. Rock songs meant to rebel against authority in their younger years. Some lighter love songs, always a bit a anonymous but clearly meant for Mizi. But this was different. A ballad. A love song so filled with emotion it was similar to “cure” but so different.
“I seize and embrace you
It's alright—I know your warmth, even in its chill”
The lyrics seemed to seep into Ivan's body. The words filled him to the brim with love and he couldn’t hold it in. As Till played the last bit he cut off the music.
“So, that’s what I was working on. And if you-” Till looked up and saw Ivan was silently letting tears roll down his cheeks. His heart stopped. “Shit shit, are you ok? I didn’t mean to make you cry, I just thought.”
He got up and set his guitar aside, his hand immediately going to Ivan’s face. Ivan shrunk into himself a little, not used to Till’s hand being gentle.
“You wrote that…about me?” He asked.
“Yeah. Do you not like that?” Till hesitant questions.
“You seriously like me? Someone who’s nothing but a bother?” Ivan’s face scrunches into a tight expression. Not that Till could see it behind his arms covering himself.
“Yes. I mean sure you’re annoying but I never found myself able to hate you. I know we fought a lot as kids, well we still fight a lot but, I could never really shake that feeling. Like no matter what happens I know you’ll be there. And I realized I don’t want that to ever stop.” He took his hand and gently pried away the arms covering Ivan’s face.
His cheeks were flushed and although he had stopped crying the marks were still there. “I always want you here. I don’t care how many dumb arguments we have, I don’t care if you wanna just play this off like it never happened. I’m done pretending my heart doesn’t go crazy when I'm with you. I’m done pretending I don’t love you.”
Ivan sat, stunned at the words coming from ill. But without thinking his hand moved to Till’s middle section and gripped him in a bear hug. Till let out a breath and let himself sink into Ivan. This wasn’t their first hug but it certainly felt different. Relief washing over both of them.
“I like you Till. I like you a lot.” Ivan breathed out.
Till’s eyes went wide. He pushed himself from Ivan and grabbed his shoulders again. “Really? For real? You like me back?”
Ivan looked sheepishly to his side, “Yes, I do.”
Till grinned and let out a chuckle which turned into a hearty laugh. “You like me back! Fuck yeah. This is the best day ever!”
Ivan reached his hand out, "Does that mean we’re boyfriends now?”
Till grabbed his hand back and gripped it tight, giving him a playful squeeze. “Of course. I’m all yours!”
Ivan couldn’t believe what he was hearing for a moment. Then as the gears in his head turned and processed what just happened his face grew soft. Years of yearning and nights spent wondering if he'd ever be loved slowly began to melt. It would be a while until they fully went away, and his family would be a hassle to hide this from, but it was worth it. Till was worth it.
A few days later “Unknown”’s radio show returns to air. Fans tune in from around the country to listen in on his comeback stream, eager for new on his new song or the letters that surely piled up during the short hiatus.
“This next song is something I recently finished. Sorry it’s not the one I played before but I made it with my partner in mind. It may sound a bit sad but sometimes that’s what love ends up being. Something complicated but you still don’t want to get rid of it. Thanks for tuning in, here’s ‘Scars’”
The voice went quiet and a slow drum backing beat began. It played for a bit until the lonely sounding rift of a guitar joined it.