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Katniss knew a lot about Johanna now, whether she wanted the information or not. Most of the things she knew, however, were quite superficial. There was never anything deeper than a trivia answer, and the glaring fact that Johanna didn’t like who she really was.
You could tell in the way she made jokes about herself, and laughed when you asked her why. You could talk for hours with her and not know more than her favourite type of axe.
That’s why Katniss was immediately confused and concerned when Johanna sat down on her bed, hiked up her patient gown to her thighs, and revealed the rows of thin pink-white lines that lay there. Scars. And not from the arena.
Katniss inhaled sharply at the sight, looking away.
“You can look, Katniss. They’re just scars.” Johanna said, her voice almost mocking. “All healed.”
Katniss looked back hesitantly. Johanna was running her fingers across the scars, muttering something under her breath.
“What are you doing?” Katniss asked.
Johanna hummed. “Counting. It’s relaxing.”
Katniss nodded. “Okay. Sure.”
Johanna went back to it, and Katniss watched. Thinking.
…
Johanna sighed. “I can tell you want to say something. Go ahead.”
Katniss blanched, put on the spot. “I just— Why’d you… do them in the first place?”
“That’s quite a forward question, KitKat. Don’t you want to take me to dinner first?” Johanna huffed, voice still thick with concentration.
Katniss blinked. “No— I’m just curious. You just… I didn’t peg you as the type. You seem so self-assured.”
Johanna huffed out a laugh.
“It’s fine, Katniss. The answer is simple anyway.” Johanna sighed, looking up. “The Capitol killed everyone I loved, in one way or another, and then made me hate myself for it.”
“Right.”
“Yeah, I know.”
…
“Do you still do it?” Katniss asked.
Johanna shrugged. “I mean… sometimes. Rarely. Definitely not as often as I used to. Not that you’d be able to with all the medics running about the place.”
Katniss nodded, and wondered if she had been in control of her own mouth when she said the next thing; “I don’t really do it anymore either.”
Johanna quirked an eyebrow. “What? You’re saying that perfect-little-Katniss used to cut herself too?”
Katniss made a face. “Don’t say it like that.”
Johanna snickered. “Say what? The perfect-little-Katniss part or the cut-yourself part?”
“Well, I was talking about the second one, but don’t say either.” Katniss hissed.
Johanna smirked. “But, you did cut yourself, right?”
Katniss glared. “Well… yeah. But don’t say that.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t.” Johanna made a show of holding her hands up in surrender.
“...Thank you.”
Johanna dropped her hands. “So what did perf— I mean, what did you have to… hurt yourself over?”
Katniss sighed. “I guess… it started a couple years before the Games. I was the provider for my family, and whenever I didn’t manage to bring home any food, I’d just keep beating myself up over it. Hated myself for it, really… I thought it would stop after I won the Games, because I didn’t have to worry about getting food on the table anymore, but I guess the Games brought— …”
“A different kind of pain.” Johanna finished her sentence for her.
Katniss nodded. “Yeah.”
“What got you to stop?” Johanna asked.
Katniss thought for a moment. “...I think it might’ve been my prep team.”
Johanna didn’t hide her surprise.
Katniss continued. “They just got so torn up about it when they saw my… scars… when they were prepping me for the first Games. I didn’t want them to react the same way then they prepped me for the wedding, just too much to deal with. And then after that, life moved way too fast for me to even have time to wallow.”
“Blessings and curses, yeah?”
Katniss nodded. “Yeah. You could say that.”
Johanna was silent for a moment, but Katniss could see the thoughts whizzing behind her eyes.
Johanna pushed her gown back down, and Katniss found herself able to take a breath. “You said that you don’t really do it anymore. Does that mean you still kind of do it?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
Katniss shrugged. “I mean I don’t… well, cut myself anymore. But sometimes when I… I don’t know, when I feel bad, I guess, I find myself digging into my skin without realising. Peeta does it too. With his handcuffs.”
Johanna nodded.
Katniss didn’t like the attention on herself. “Hey, you said you still do it sometimes. What did you mean by that?”
Johanna exhaled as you spoke. “Same as you said, I guess. Not much else you can do when the medical team has you trapped in a bubble.”
Katniss frowned. “And if you weren’t in a bubble, would you still be doing it?”
Johanna took the time to look Katniss in her eyes. Her eyes were wide, and Katniss saw her own reflection staring back at her.
“No. I wouldn’t. Would you?”
Katniss shook her head.
“Good.” Johanna said. “We don’t want to let the Capitol take away more of what we love, right?”
Katniss nodded.
“Right.”