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Buck cannot fucking breathe.
He can’t believe that Eddie would say something like that to him. 97 trials and tribulations? Are you fucking serious? At his age is he not allowed to vent to his friends about his problems??? How could he say that as if he hadn’t been there for all that Buck has been through. The times he’s almost died, all the bullshit with his family, his health scares, all of his more than disappointing romantic endeavors, and the fact that he knows for a fact that Eddie is the only-
He can’t believe after he was so vulnerable with him. After that night a few days after Chris left and they had that conversation. When Buck explained to Eddie that he didn’t think he had ever truly been loved. Eddie had tried to tell him that it wasn’t true, but Buck had so much evidence that Eddie had had to drop it. If any of them had ever loved Buck, why was it that they were all able to leave him without a spare thought?
Buck stayed so late helping Eddie pack that he stayed over and they laid next to each other on the floor right where the couch used to be. Where they had all spent so many nights gaming, watching tv and laughing together. Where he told Eddie that he felt like everything he felt for his friends and family was too much. That he was too much and that he knew it was kind of sad but he felt like he was always clinging to others way more than they ever clung to him. Eddie had told him before he left, he had made sure that Buck knew he mattered even though Eddie was leaving him just like everyone else in his life.
That night, after Eddie left, was the hardest he had ever cried. Even harder than when he found out about Daniel. At least he knew his parents hated him, that just finally gave him the reason. That night felt more like crying from relief. Knowing that his parents never wanted him and basically had him for parts.
What made him frustrated had been everyone expecting him to get over it as soon as he heard it. How were you supposed to just get over the fact that your parents hated you because they had you for spare parts that ended up not even being good enough to save their first and most precious son? That the reason no matter what you do or did you’d never be good enough for them. That they blamed you for the death of a brother you had never even known you had. How do you just get over that when your own parents never could? When they made it your fault when all you ever wanted from them was love, but they couldn’t even give that to him. They didn’t even try. Didn’t even think it was an option.
The night that Eddie left to follow Chris, Buck had cried as if his heart had been ripped from his chest and run over in that U-Haul full of all of his happiest memories. He’d wanted to lay outside in the rain and melt into the ground, but he knew that was dramatic. So instead he’d laid there where the couch had been and he’d cried so hard that he woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache.
The second he woke up and realized where he was he curled up into a ball and cried again. It wasn’t just the fact that he no longer had Eddie and Chris it was that he had lost two people who had become so much a part of his daily routine that not having them around anymore was like someone took a knife and carved him open, stole his heart and then just left his chest wide open for everyone to see how empty he is on the inside. Instead of actually acknowledging that he might be hurt everyone chooses to ignore the bleeding.
They say he’s in love with Eddie, that he can’t be upset because that’s not his kid, because Eddie needed to go all the way to Texas to get his teenage son from his parents. They don’t get that Chris took after Eddie and ran away from his problems and that Eddie is chasing him. Buck doesn’t want to tell Eddie how to raise his kid but he also feels like Eddie maybe should have talked to someone about the decision. He bought a house down there, you can’t just buy a house and sell it that easily so obviously Eddie isn’t planning on coming back for years. He’s upset that Eddie made such a big decision on his own. He’s upset that Eddie could see no other way to mend his relationship with Chris. He’s upset that Eddie didn’t feel like he couldn’t talk to Buck about this because Buck would make it about himself. How could Buck not? Yes Eddie had to be with his kid but it’s insane that he thought Buck wouldn’t be hurt and internalize his anger. He knows that Eddie saw that as the only option but Eddie wasn’t thinking clearly and acted rationally, yet Buck is the problem.
Buck is allowed to be upset. At least he feels like he should be but apparenty, he doesn’t actually hold any sway as Eddie’s best friend. His opinion doesn’t actually matter when it’s something big. It’s not like he’s on his knees bleeding out or anything. Shouldn’t matter.
And then the thing with Bobby happened and they were almost unable to save him and Buck had thought he’d died. He was the last to know that he didn’t die in that lab, that he had survived. Special blood. Pure will. Act of author? Who knows? Bobby survived. Buck had almost lost the closest thing he’d had to a father figure but everyone expected him to be over the nightmares by now to stop making everything about himself because he’s not the only one who almost lost Bobby. No Athena and Harry and May are the ones who almost lost him, but they have him and can see him whenever they want without it being weird. And then Hen and Chim almost lost their friend, but at least they have their respective partners to work through that with.
Ravi tried, he really did but after that hookup with Tommy and the Welcome Back from the Dead party they had thrown for Bobby that even Chris and Eddie had flown in for, Buck wasn’t really up to bettering himself. He didn’t have anyone at home for him to lean on, to have his back to make sure he was okay and when he tried to take care of the others they were already fed up with him. Its ‘oh, buck is doing stress tests on all of us” but never ‘I wonder what buck scored.’ Or “I wonder how buck is doing”
Buck’s tired of not even being a second thought to all of his friends and people he’d considered family. He’s tired of constantly being told he’s too much, that he’s not reacting correctly, or that he’s not reacting enough. He’s tired of people constantly trying to tell him how he feels, what he thinks and how he should act rather than just actually asking him if he’s okay. He’s tired of sitting there with his chest wide open and bleeding offering up all of the pieces of himself until there’s nothing left.
The final straw though was Eddie and Chris coming back. Buck had been telling them that they should come back now that they’d mended their bond. The 118 missed them. He missed them. He’d even told them that he’d kept the house warm. It was pretty much the same as when they left. Eddie had said there was no way he’d be able to re-sell the house that soon, that the house needed too many repairs, that Chris should at least finish his semester at school. Which made sense, so Buck dropped it. But then at the party for Bobby, Chim or one of these others told Eddie that it was about time he and Chris come back home and Eddie had agreed immediately. They’d offered him a job and he’d agreed immediately.
So yes, Buck did apply for a transfer. No he didn’t consult anyone else on this because his transfer is not about how they feel. It’s about Buck and finally being the version of himself that he’s been chasing with all of these upgrades. If he’s going to finally be the best version of himself, then it may as well be as much of a reboot as it can be. No the 118 is not going to like it, but they’ll get over it. They all have someone to get over it with. To talk through it with. With this change maybe Buck will finally find someone to lean on during his hard times. He’ll find someone that has time to listen to his grief about Bobby, Eddie and Chris. He’ll finally meet someone who won’t leave him because he doesn’t matter but who will stay because he does. He’s not asking for love. He just wants friendship and understanding. He just wants someone in his corner. They don’t have to agree all the time, but he’d like to be able to have a conversation without it being a big fight. Someone who can care about him without trying to control him. Someone who will consider his advice or at least is willing to lean on him. Who values him even half as much he values them. He’s not leaving the state, he could never put himself that far away from his sister. He just needs to start over and he needs space to start over in.