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“So when are you going to introduce me to your family?” Tony says, popping a candy bean in his mouth. He’s sitting at the kitchen barstool in his house while Gob opens all the drawers, looking for a corkscrew.
“My…family?” Gob says, uncomprehendingly, like Tony is speaking a different language.
“Yes, your family!” Tony repeats. “I’ve been hearing about them on the news for so long. I’d love to meet the real Bluth family in person.”
“You’ve met my brother, Buster,” Gob says quickly. “He’s been my assistant occasionally. For certain illusions.”
“Not ringing a bell,” Tony says. “You’ll have to re-introduce me.”
“Have…to?” Gob says, blinking.
“Have to,” Tony confirms. “After all, you’ve met my mom a bunch of times now.”
Gob had. In fact, he’d started going over to Tony’s mom’s house for their weekly Sunday dinners. She was a short, plump, cheerful woman and a fantastic cook. The secret is the sauce, she always said. Gob usually ended up stuffing his face, getting drunk on red wine, and having a great time. Then Tony would drive him home and put him into bed, stripping off his clothes and covering his body with kisses—
“Not ringing a bell,” Gob says, even though he had gone there last night and that was precisely what had happened.
“Ha, ha,” Tony says. “Nice try. I don’t have to meet them all at once, but it’d be nice to get to know them a little. We’ve been together a few months now.”
“Only three months and three weeks,” Gob said.
“It’s cute that you’re counting, but it’s not going to get you off the hook.”
“What if I promise to give you head every night before you go to sleep?” Gob says in a last, desperate attempt.
“You already do that,” Tony says.
“Dammit.”
“Gob, it will be fine,” Tony says with a sigh, getting up and walking over to him. He puts his arms around Gob’s waist from behind, resting his chin on Gob’s shoulder. “Nothing they could do would change how I feel about you.”
Gob is too embarrassed to tell Tony that he’s not even a tiny bit worried about it changing Tony’s feelings, but rather changing his family’s feelings. He hasn’t even mentioned Tony to them, except in passing, as though he were a friend. Gob is the oldest brother, after all, and head of the Bluth Company, even if it’s in name only, and what sort of example is it going to set if they all know he’s a flaming fruitcake? He restrains himself from shuddering as he imagines his mother’s reaction.
A homosexual, head of the Bluth Company. What’s next? Are you going to run off with that anus tart and get married on the ocean? I hear it’s legal there.
“Found the corkscrew,” Gob says, holding it up and shaking Tony off of him as he turns around. He smiles weakly and Tony’s look is full of suspicion, but he doesn’t press Gob any more, just pulls down the wine glasses. Gob drums his fingers against the bottle.
Later, when they’re both buzzed and Tony is sprawled on top of Gob on the couch, Gob kisses Tony hungrily, like it’s the first time and he can’t get enough of his taste, of the feel of him. Tony kisses him back with equal ferocity, nipping at his lips and plunging his tongue into Gob’s mouth. Gob feels tense, and anxious, and Tony’s so willing and pliable, and Gob pulls him across his lap, half-sitting up. Tony straddles him and grinds his hard-on against Gob’s, arching his back and moaning. Gob runs his hands up the back of Tony’s shirt and down under the waistband of his boxer briefs, grabbing his ass and pushing Tony down onto him further.
Tony’s hands wander down Gob’s chest and stomach and unzip both their flies. They lift their hips in unison and help each other’s pants down just enough, and then their dicks are rubbing up against each other, and Tony is spitting in his hand and wrapping it around both of them and Gob is sucking on his neck between gasping breaths and their hips are endlessly grinding, grinding, grinding until Gob comes, hot and sticky in Tony’s hand, with a groan that gets caught in his throat. He fumbles his hand between them to keep jerking off Tony, quick, short strokes that are slick with come, and Tony follows not long after, his face in Gob’s neck, hot breaths moistening the skin.
It’s not that this kind of rough, desperate sex is unusual for them. There have been plenty of times when Gob has reached for Tony, feeling wanting and pathetic, and Tony brings him back to reality. But this time, Gob doesn’t feel better when it’s over. He feels gay.
Gob knows Tony can tell something is wrong, but he also knows not to ask. After a moment, Gob pulls him in for a kiss, soft and slow with his fingers threaded through Tony’s hair. Tony moans quietly into his mouth, hands on Gob’s hips, and Gob knows they’re fine for now.
--
“Would you stop?” Tony says. “You’re making me anxious with all your tapping and twitching.”
“No thanks, I’m fine,” Gob says distractedly, drumming his fingers against his thigh as they approach the picnic table in the park. Buster is already seated, watching children play catch with a delighted grin.
“Hey, brother!” he says when he spots them.
“Hi, Buster. Tony, this is my brother—”
“Buster!” Buster interrupts, giggling madly. “And you’re Tony Wonder! Do you remember meeting me at the Gothic Castle? When you thought I was the magician and my brother Gob was the assistant?”
“Hey, that’s right!” Tony says with a glance at Gob. He clearly doesn’t remember. “And you guys were doing that—that illusion with the…” he trails off. There’s a long pause.
“The sword of destiny!” Buster proclaims. “I’m so excited you remember us! You’re my favorite magician!”
“Hey, thanks a lot, Buster,” Gob says, hurt.
“Well, besides you, brother. Of course.” Buster giggles again, but the damage is already done. “Wait, why is Tony Wonder here?”
Gob glances at Tony, who narrows his eyes back.
“Well, Tony and I have been…seeing each other lately, so—”
“Like seeing each other at magic shows?” Buster interrupts, eyes darting quickly back and forth from Gob to Tony.
“And not at magic shows,” Gob says vaguely. Tony kicks him under the table. “I mean…we’ve been spending a lot of time together…like, Tony comes over a lot.”
Tony rolls his eyes and Gob kicks him back.
“Like for play dates?” Buster says. “You’re having play dates with Tony Wonder?”
“In a way,” Gob says, cringing a little. Luckily, Buster doesn’t notice—he’s staring at Tony in awe now.
“So are you a magician, Buster?” Tony says kindly. “Or an apprentice?”
“Oh no,” Buster says. “I was only helping Gob out sometimes. Now, I don’t think I’d be able to get a handle on things.” He waves his giant hand in the air with an expectant grin.
“Ha, ha!” Gob laughs weakly with a pointed look at Tony. After a moment, Tony gets it, and he guffaws, slapping the table.
“Seriously though,” Tony says, abruptly cutting off the laughter. “You could do some great illusions with that going for you. You’d really freak out a lot of people.”
Buster’s face falls. “Just because somebody lost their hand and got a new one that’s a lot bigger and looks different from their other hand, it doesn’t mean you should use them to scare people,” he says. “Gob, if this is the company you’re choosing to keep, I don’t know if I can see you for a while.”
Buster gets up from the table and walks away. Gob and Tony watch him go.
“That went well!” Gob says, reaching across the table to squeeze Tony’s arm. Tony just looks at him.
“You didn’t even tell him we’re a couple,” he says.
“I told him enough,” Gob says. “Buster’s like a child. He wouldn’t understand anyway.”
“He’s a grown man, Gob. Maybe you should stop treating him like a child and he’d stop acting like one.”
“Touché,” Gob says. “Can we go now?”
“Fine,” Tony says, standing up. “But next time I want you to introduce me as your boyfriend at least.”
“Fine,” Gob says. “No problem. Even though you’re the one who says he hates labels—”
“I just think there’s no one word that can possibly describe the complexity of a close human relationship like we have,” Tony says.
“I know! We’ve been over this before.” Gob opens the car door for Tony, then walks around and gets in the car himself, slamming the door shut. He puts the key in the ignition but doesn’t turn it; instead, he faces Tony. “Look. I know you want to meet my family and I’ll deal with that. But none of them know I’m—” The word gay hangs in the air. “—in a relationship with a man. I’ve never even been in a relationship with a woman before, except when I accidentally got married. It’s a lot for them to process, so give me a break.”
“Is it a lot for them to process, or a lot for you to process?” Tony presses.
“Okay, Doctor Wonder,” Gob says, rolling his eyes. He starts the car. “Can we go park somewhere and make out now?”
“There’s that overlook just outside of town,” Tony says. “We’re halfway there already.”
“Perfect,” Gob says and pulls the car out of the lot.
--
A week has passed and Tony hasn’t broached the subject again. Gob is relieved. He’s been thinking about it almost non-stop, paralyzed with anxiety, trying to imagine the thousand different ways he can explain it all to Michael and Lindsay and his mom and his dad.
The anxiety has resulted in some mind-blowing orgasms, because Gob has been so tense and the relief has felt so good. They’ve been fucking every day, sometimes twice a day—more than usual. Gob has been starting to wonder if half-aroused is his new permanent state of being.
It’s three in the afternoon on a Friday and Gob is woken from his nap by Tony crawling into bed with him. He doesn’t say anything and neither does Gob; he just kisses him and pushes up against him like their bodies are being molded together. Gob likes the feel of Tony everywhere, all over him, from his hands in Gob’s hair to his toes tickling the tops of Gob’s feet.
“Where’d you come from?” Gob murmurs. Suddenly there’s a bang and he’s enveloped in a cloud of white smoke. By the time it starts to clear, his pants are around his ankles and Tony is enthusiastically sucking his cock.
“Did somebody say wonder?” Tony says with a cheeky grin, then slathers his tongue all over the underside of Gob’s dick before taking him back in his mouth. The fact that no one actually said wonder, which is something Gob would usually point out with glee, doesn’t seem to matter at the moment. His fingers twist in the sheets in an attempt to stop himself from putting his hands on the back of Tony’s head, which Tony hates.
“How do you—do that—” Gob says breathlessly, hips jerking up a tiny bit as Tony sucks, one hand on the base of his cock and moving with his mouth in unison. Tony moans around him in response.
Tony speeds up, mouth and hand flying over him. He slips his free hand between Gob and the bed and squeezes his ass, swirls his tongue over the head of Gob’s cock and then slurps him down again. Before long Gob is coming in Tony’s mouth, quiet moans escaping him as Tony licks up every last drop of come and spit, slathering his tongue over Gob’s balls.
“God, dating another magician is awesome,” Gob croaks. He pulls Tony up until he’s got his arms around him, allowing his breath to slow before pressing his mouth to Tony’s wet, red lips.
Gob reaches down and takes hold of Tony’s cock, which is hard and already leaking a little, and brushes his thumb over the tip, but Tony pushes him off.
“That was just for you,” he says. “I’m fine.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Gob says, taken aback. “I want you to get off too!”
“No, it was a present,” Tony insists. Gob is instantly suspicious. Tony might be generous with handjobs and blowjobs, but he’s never that generous.
“Why?” Gob says.
“I texted your sister from your phone and we’re going on a double date with her and her husband tonight,” Tony says quickly, all in one breath. Gob’s hand stills on Tony’s hip.
“What,” he says. It’s not a question.
“Lindsay,” Tony says. “And Tobias.”
“They’re not even together anymore,” Gob says. “Why are we seeing both of them?”
“They’re back together,” Tony mumbles as he flips over onto his side so Gob is spooning him. Even though Gob is annoyed, he finds his arm snaking around Tony’s waist and clinging tight. Tony just fits there so perfectly.
“How do you know?”
“Lindsay told me,” Tony says. “In the text.”
“Of course she did,” Gob says and sighs.
“So…dinner tonight?” Tony says innocently.
“Fine,” Gob says. “But since you went behind my back, I’m not going to introduce you as my boyfriend.”
“That’s fair,” Tony agrees.
“No, Tony, I just won’t do it, especially since you won’t even call me your boyfriend to anyone,” Gob insists. “Wait, what did you say?”
“That’s fair,” Tony says again. “I get that.”
“Oh,” Gob says. “Okay.” And he leans forward to kiss the corner of Tony’s mouth, pretending not to smile when he sees Tony smiling.
--
“Gob,” Lindsay whispers, standing up as he approaches her at the restaurant. She and Tobias have already been seated. “Look at that guy. Look at how hot that guy is.” Tony had run into a friend at the bar and was saying hello.
“That’s—that’s my…that’s Tony,” Gob says, narrowing his eyes at her.
“That’s your friend Tony?” Lindsay is now closer to a screech. “Did you do this to set us up? He’s gorgeous.”
“No, Lindsay, absolutely not,” Gob says, clenching his fists. He looks at Tobias, who is staring at the wall, seemingly not listening. “There’s no way Tony will be into you. He’s—he’s—”
“Married?” Lindsay says with a sigh. “All the good ones are married…or gay.”
Suddenly Gob remembers. “He’s gay! Haven’t you heard of the gay magician Tony Wonder? He came out of the closet a little while ago.”
“I think I have heard of him,” Lindsay says. “Oh well. He’s short,” she adds in an undertone as Tony finally reaches the table.
“He’s not that short,” Gob hisses and then smiles exaggeratedly. “Tony! This is my sister Lindsay and her husband, Tobias. This is Tony.”
“A pleasure,” Tony says, shaking both their hands.
“You gays are so charming,” Lindsay replies, twirling her hair. Tony beams at Gob, clearly assuming that he has told them the truth. Gob coughs.
“Truly gentlemen,” Tobias adds. “Please, sit down.”
“I’m so glad you called,” Lindsay says to Gob. “I’ve been so busy with the campaign and everything, I haven’t had time to see nearly anyone from the family. Of course, it would help if anyone from the family was willing to help support me—”
Tobias clears his throat, loudly and for an extended period of time. Everyone looks at him.
“Oh, I’m just getting over a cold,” he says. “Don’t mind me.”
The server appears and they order a bottle of wine. Tony’s fingers find Gob’s knees beneath the table, and Gob squirms. He taps his fingers on the table.
“We’ve—I mean, I’ve been quite busy also,” Gob says. “People can’t seem to get enough of my new illusion.”
Gob’s new illusion involves being tied to a cross before ending up in a bed, feeding strawberries to Tony Wonder, but he doesn’t mention that part.
“I’ve been traveling,” Lindsay replies. “Campaign stops and all. It’s hard to be away from Tobias, but we’re managing.”
“I got a cat,” Gob says.
It’s a typical conversation between them, neither listening long enough to actually respond to what the other is saying. Tony says to Tobias, “So, you’re an actor?”
Tobias’ chest literally puffs out. “You’ve heard of me? Do you know me from the Miracle network? Or maybe from my breakout role as frightened inmate number two?”
“Sure,” Tony says vaguely, and that’s all the prompting Tobias needs.
“Oh, thank you, thank you so much,” he says with an aloof air, as though he gets complimented on his parts all the time. “My wife wasn’t confident I could make it as an actor, but lately I’ve had the opportunity to play some really complex roles and I find I’m just looking for more and more intriguing men to swallow.”
Dinner passes in a similar fashion, with Gob and Lindsay trading life updates while Tobias talks Tony’s ear off about how he prepared to play an embryo. When Lindsay is talking, Gob tries to pay attention to what’s happening on the other side of the table. He certainly didn’t plan it this way, but maybe the quality time with Tobias will make Tony realize that he really doesn’t want to spend time with Gob’s family. It’s a satisfactory plan if nothing else. Also, Gob likes the way Tony’s hand has barely left his leg, under the table, since dinner began. Sometimes he just holds it there; sometimes he swipes his thumb gently back and forth; sometimes, he moves his fingers up Gob’s thigh and back down again.
By the time they leave the restaurant, Tony looks like a zombie. He’s moving slowly, with short, uneven steps, and has a blank look across his face. Gob helps him into the car.
“So that went well,” Gob says brightly as he starts the ignition and rolls down the windows. Nothing like the feel of the fresh sea breeze on your face after two hours with Lindsay and Tobias.
“Are they…real people?” Tony asks. “Am I dreaming? Is this a nightmare?”
“Well, Lindsay’s adopted,” Gob says by way of explanation. Tony nods. “But hey. At least they paid for dinner!”
This one’s on my supporters, Lindsay had said with a wink. We’ll call it a business dinner.
“Is that ethical?” Tony says.
“Who knows?” Gob replies. “All I know is I had truffles and Bordeaux and it was free of charge.”
“I’m amazed…” Tony says, trailing off. He stares out the window.
“Amazed about what?”
“Amazed you came out so normal from a family like this. You’ve got Buster, and Lindsay…they’re all just so self-centered. And kind of fucked up.”
Gob is torn between feeling angry that Tony is dissing his family, when only he is allowed to do that, and feeling proud that Tony thinks he came out so much more normal than the rest of them. He decides they’ve been fighting enough lately and sticks with proud.
“Amazing, isn’t it?” he says with a laugh, moving his right hand from the steering wheel to Tony’s knee. “That’s why it was even more amazing to find someone like you. Someone I could make a real connection with.”
“Oh, Gobie,” Tony says sweetly. “I know you already came once today, but I hope you’re going to be ready for me to fuck you when we get home.”
Gob’s foot presses harder on the accelerator.
--
They don’t make it to the bedroom. In fact, they don’t make it past the living room floor. They’re lying there, naked and covered only by a thin blanket that Gob had pulled off the couch, sharing a cigarette when Michael walks in the front door without knocking.
Gob does a quick inventory of the house. Their clothes are actually leading the way from the door to the living room like a god damn trail of bread crumbs. No way he’s going to be able to get out of this one.
“Whossere?” Michael slurs, heavy, shuffling footsteps coming towards them. Gob and Tony look at each other.
“It’s me,” Gob calls hesitantly. Michael stumbles forward until they’re finally in view, and his eyes widen comically.
“You and—you and—”
“Are you drunk, Michael?”
“Not too drunk to see that you’re—naked—and Tony Wonder’s here! Naked!”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Tony says. “Sorry I’m naked.”
“What is this?” Michael says, clearly suspicious. “Are you two—did I know about this already?”
Gob can practically see Michael reaching far back into his memory, trying to get past the wall that the forget-me-now put up, but Gob knows he’ll never get there. He opens his mouth to respond while his brain whirs, trying to come up with an explanation, but Michael is apparently not too interested in getting an answer to his questions because he keeps talking.
“You know, Gob, I always had a feeling that you were…you know. Do you have any beer?”
Again, Michael doesn’t wait for a response but shuffles over to the fridge, pulling out a Mike’s hard lemonade.
“You guys want one?”
“Uh, sure,” Gob says, at the same time Tony mutters, “Please god yes.”
Michael makes his way back to them and passes the drinks around before collapsing onto the couch. Gob and Tony are sitting up now and Gob is attempting to arrange the blanket so there’s nothing bulging out from underneath it.
“I think it’s great,” Michael finally says after taking a long swig of his drink. “Gob, you’ve been happier than I’ve ever seen you before these last couple of months. Seems like things are really going well. It’s great.”
“Thanks, Michael,” Gob says. Tony’s face softens.
“Things aren’t going so well for me,” Michael continues. “My son hates me. Rebel hates me. She said she’s going to get a restraining order.”
“Rebel Alley? The actress?” Tony cuts in. Michael looks at him, surprised, like he had forgotten he was there.
“That’s right. Rebel Alley. My girlfriend,” Michael slurs. “Except she’s not my girlfriend anymore, she’s my son’s girlfriend. She’s my ex-girlfriend and my son’s girlfriend. And she’s Ron Howard’s daughter, not his girlfriend.”
“I heard she was dating John Mayer,” Tony says. “Is your son John Mayer?”
“No,” Michael says. Then the front door bursts open and the three of them jump simultaneously.
“How dare you, Dad!” George Michael runs into the living room, actually shaking his fist. “Now not only does Rebel hate you, she hates me!”
“This is awkward,” Tony says under his breath. Gob recognizes that that’s true, but he also loves witnessing drama, so he shushes Tony.
“She said she’s done with my whole stupid family, we’re all a bunch of crazy jerks who can’t get our shit together,” George Michael says. “Hey, Uncle Gob.”
“Hi, George Michael,” Gob says.
“So now she’s not only going to get a restraining order on you, she’s going to get one on me. Me! A restraining order! Just for loving her too much and having a crazy father.”
“George Michael, calm down,” Michael slurs, trying to stand up but promptly falling back down.
“God, and you’re drunk. Of course you are. No wonder Rebel wants you out of her life.”
“You know what, buddy, maybe this is for the best. Maybe we both should have ended things when we found out we were both seeing her. Now we can get back to working on our relationship.”
“What relationship?” George Michael is seething. “You don’t care about my feelings. You never listen to me. Guess what, Dad? That’s it. I’m out of this family. I hope you saved your money because you’re gonna need it, and you’re not getting a dime of my Fakeblock money. Not a dime!”
George Michael emphasizes this last part by literally punching the air, then spins on his heel and storms out, slamming the door behind him.
No one says anything for a moment. Gob feels a sense of déjà vu, but isn’t sure why. Michael drains the rest of his Mike’s.
“I need another drink,” he says.
--
It’s past three in the morning by the time Michael passes out on the couch, bottle still in his hand. Tony has been yawning excessively for the last hour and a half.
“That went well,” Gob says brightly. The accidental encounter with Michael had to count as part of meeting his family, right? They’d just spent hours getting drunker and drunker, talking about their personal lives. Gob had even found it kind of fun, but then he always liked it when Michael was depressed.
“I’m exhausted,” Tony says, and with a quick, careful glance at Michael, emerges from under the blanket to grab his boxer briefs across the room. He pulls them on and then looks at Gob. “Are you coming?”
“You’re still going to spend the night? With Michael here?” A knot of tension is forming in Gob’s stomach. Michael had been super drunk tonight and the big revelation had been fine. What would happen in the morning, when he woke up sober and saw Tony cooking eggs?
“I’m drunk as a skunk and practically falling asleep standing up and you want me to drive home?” Tony says incredulously. “Fuck you.” He turns and goes up the stairs. Gob scrambles to his feet, wrapping the thin blanket around his waist and stumbling after him.
“Tony!” Gob grunts as he reaches the landing. “I was just kidding.” He drums his fingers along his thigh.
“Yeah, yeah,” Tony says. “I’m going to sleep.”
When Gob wakes up in the morning, Tony isn’t in bed with him anymore. Did he leave? Gob wonders, sitting up and yawning. He’s already out the bedroom door before he realizes he’s still naked and runs back in to put on some shorts.
He can smell the eggs from the stairs. Michael is sitting at the breakfast counter with a bloody mary in front of him and Tony is standing by the stove, frying up some chorizo.
“Breakfast burritos!” Tony announces cheerfully as Gob enters the kitchen. “Good morning, love. Want a bloody mary?” He kisses Gob right on the mouth.
“Yes,” Gob says, reeling from Tony calling him love. Why is he in such a good mood? Michael smiles at him.
“You two are adorable,” Michael says. “It reminds me of what me and Tracey had. I hope I can find that with someone again.”
Gob feels the knot of tension in his stomach slowing unraveling. He has no idea why Michael is so cool with him dating a man, but it makes Gob feel good. Really good. Like maybe the rest of his family could understand, too.
“It smells so good in here, I wonder if I’m gonna be able to keep it down,” Michael continues with a groan.
“Did somebody say wonder?” Tony pops up behind Michael with a plate containing a fully assembled breakfast burrito. Gob and Michael stare with their mouths open.
“God, you’re good,” Gob mutters.
“And your bloody mary,” Tony finishes, pressing it into Gob’s hand with a kiss on the cheek.
“Thank you,” Gob says quietly. They all take a seat at the breakfast bar and dig in to their burritos.
“So Gob, before you got up I was telling Tony about the thing.”
“What thing?” Gob says, and feels the knot growing again.
“You know, Mom and Dad’s thing,” Michael says, chewing with his mouth open.
“Not their wedding anniversary…?” Gob says, his own mouth hanging open.
“Yeah! That. God, I’m out of it. Anyway, Tony says he can make it! Isn’t that great?”
“Isn’t that great, Gobie?” Tony says, grinning. Now Gob understands what’s with all the cutesy nicknames.
“Great,” Gob says. “So you can meet my mom…and my…dad…”
“And the rest of the family should be there too,” Michael adds. “Except my son, George Michael, who’s suddenly decided he’s out of the family. I don’t know how many times I told that kid family first. Family comes before everything.”
Michael continues talking, but Gob has stopped listening. Hello darkness, my old friend…
“Right, Gob?” Tony says. Gob snaps out of it.
“Right,” he says, without any idea what Tony is talking about.
“What about this afternoon?” Tony asks.
“Sure, that works,” Gob says. He drums his fingers on the countertop, and Tony grabs his hand to stop him.
“We’ll be the best dressed gays at the party,” Tony declares and Gob realizes he must be talking about going shopping. Michael laughs.
“Well, we’ll have to see what Tobias finds in Lindsay’s closet,” he says, and now they’re both laughing. Gob forces a smile.
--
“I just don’t think I need another pair of white pants,” Gob says, inspecting himself in the mirror. Tony sighs, clearly frustrated.
“What can I do to get you more into this?” Tony asks.
“You know I don’t really like shopping that much,” Gob grumbles. “Especially for a stupid family party to celebrate my stupid mom and dad’s anniversary.”
“You had fun the last time we went shopping,” Tony says.
“That’s because you gave me head in the dressing room.”
Tony grins.
“Oh yeah,” he says, and shoves Gob back into the little room, locking the door behind them.
“It’s not going to help,” Gob says as Tony unzips the crisp white pants he had been trying on. “I don’t even know if I’m in the mood enough to get a—“ Tony shoves the pants around Gob’s ankles and starts mouthing over his cock through Gob’s gray underwear. “—boner…” Gob finishes, the word turning into a groan as his dick quickly stiffens. Tony’s tongue soaks the fabric, working him up and down and trailing his fingers up the backs of Gob’s thighs.
“It’s cute you think you’re ever in a mood like that,” Tony says, backing away to pull Gob’s underwear down all the way. “Now be quiet. We’re in public.”
With that, Tony takes Gob’s balls in his mouth, sucking and rolling them around on his tongue, as his hand grasps Gob’s cock and begins jerking him off.
Gob makes a whiny sound in the back of his throat in an attempt not to moan. He’s pressed up against one of the dressing room mirrors, but he can see himself in the angled one in the corner, meant for checking yourself out from behind, and the way Tony’s head is moving enthusiastically around his groin is one of the biggest turn-ons Gob has experienced in a while.
Tony moves back for a second, taking a deep breath, before wrapping his mouth around Gob’s dick and sucking down to the hilt. Gob can’t help but thread his fingers through Tony’s hair, being very careful not to push, just because it looks so fucking sexy in the mirror. Gob comes in Tony’s mouth and Tony swallows every last drop, wiping at the corners of his mouth with the hem of Gob’s shirt before standing back up.
“Just so you know, I only let you do that with the hands because I knew I owed you one,” Tony murmurs, his mouth against Gob’s lips as he presses their bodies flush together.
“That—that was really hot,” Gob stammers, hands pushing Tony’s hips even closer, so his groin is rubbing against Gob’s sensitive cock.
“You look hot in those white pants,” Tony says and nips at Gob’s lip. “I want you to get them and wear them tomorrow night.”
“Okay,” Gob breathes, and then he and Tony share a long, open-mouthed kiss with lots of tongue.
When Tony backs away, he says, “You’re ready for this,” and Gob knows he’s not talking about the pants.
--
Gob and Tony stand outside the door to the condo for a moment, holding hands. Gob takes a deep breath. His fingers tap against Tony’s knuckles.
“Relax,” Tony says.
“Easy for you to say,” Gob mutters.
“Hey,” Tony says, turning to face Gob. He puts one hand on the back of Gob’s neck and rests his forehead against Gob’s. Gob closes his eyes. “If it sucks, we’ll leave,” Tony murmurs.
“Okay,” Gob says. Tony presses a soft, dry kiss to his lips, and suddenly Gob feels bad. “Listen,” he continues. “I know I’ve been kind of a dick about all this, and you’ve just been giving me lots of head and trying to make me feel good all the time and I’m still being a dick. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Tony says. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I kind of like giving you head.” He gives Gob another quick kiss and smiles at him. Gob smiles back.
They separate, and then Gob opens the door.
Everyone is sitting around the living room, not talking. Gob’s mother is glaring steadily at his sister, Lindsay.
“Hey, brother,” Buster says cheerfully. “Hey, Tony Wonder.”
“Hi,” Gob replies, looking around the room. “Did we…miss something?”
“No,” Michael says, getting up from the couch to give Gob a hug. “Good to see you, Gob. Hi, Tony,” he adds, shaking Tony’s hand.
“Happy anniversary,” Gob says to his parents, making a bouquet of flowers appear from behind his back and handing them to his mother.
“Thanks, son,” his father says somewhat dreamily. Lucille still hasn’t taken her eyes off of Lindsay.
“This is Tony,” Gob says by way of introduction. Tony rolls his eyes, but Gob still can’t bring himself to use the word boyfriend, especially in front of his mother and father.
“Hello,” Lucille says, suddenly breaking off the glare to look up at him.
“A pleasure,” Tony says, shaking both of their hands. “I think I’ve met the rest of you. It’s great to see you again.”
“Yes, I’d been hoping we’d get to spend some more time together!” Tobias says. “I wanted to talk to you more about—”
“We’re going to get a drink first,” Gob interrupts, leading Tony into the kitchen before Tobias can sink his claws in.
“What’s up with them?” Tony says.
“I have no idea,” Gob says quickly. “Whiskey okay?” Gob doesn’t tell Tony that he’s terrified everyone is acting so strange because Michael told them the truth, and now they all hate him.
By the time they emerge, everyone seems to have relaxed a little. They squeeze onto the loveseat next to Michael.
“So your son didn’t show after all, huh?” Gob says to Michael.
“No, he’s off with that cousin of his,” Michael says. “I guess George Michael isn’t the only kid in this family who’s too cool to celebrate his grandparents’ anniversary.”
“Maeby is extremely busy,” Lindsay says defensively. “She’s going to try to make an appearance later.”
“Oh, is that your daughter?” Tony asks her. “I thought you said you didn’t have any children. But maybe I’m remembering wrong.”
“Oh no, I think you’re right,” Lindsay says with an embarrassed smile. “It’s kind of a reflex for us. Oops!”
“So embarrassing,” Tobias adds. “Of course we have a daughter, and we’re very proud of her.”
“What is she doing? Working? In school?” Tony says.
Lindsay and Tobias look at each other.
“I’m not sure,” Lindsay says at the same time Tobias explains, “We believe in hands-off parenting.”
“If by hands-off you mean letting your daughter become practically obese,” Lucille cuts in. “Have you seen that girl lately? It’s a tragedy. You’re lucky I was such an involved mother, or you would never have the figure you have today.”
“Maeby is just experimenting with food, mother,” Lindsay says, narrowing her eyes at Lucille. “I believe in letting a child make their own mistakes.”
“Better food than women,” Lucille replies. “I always feared she would turn out to be a lesbian, since she never had a good male role model in her life.”
“Excuse me,” Tobias says, “but I’ve always been a part of Maeby’s life.”
“Exactly.”
Gob’s heart is twisting in his chest. They’ve been there less than ten minutes and his mother is already making fun of the gays. He wants to get up and run out the door.
“So what do you do?” Gob’s father directs the question to Tony. “Are you in business with Gob?”
“In a way,” Tony says. “I’m a magician. You’ve probably heard of me.”
“Great. Another magician,” he mumbles. “Lucille, we have another magician in the family.”
Gob is sure he heard wrong. “In the family?”
“Or soon to be in the family,” George Sr. says. “Sorry, I forgot you two can’t get legally gay married yet.”
“Gay…married?”
“He is your boyfriend, right?” Lucille says, lips drawn tight. Gob’s heart is hammering in his chest. He opens his mouth but no words come out.
“Yes,” Tony jumps in.
“And it sounds like you two fruitcakes are really in love,” Lucille says. “So I imagine you’ll be trying to get gay married soon. Of course, I don’t know why the homosexuals are trying so hard to fight for the right to marriage. It’s a living hell.” She says this last part as an exaggeratedly loud whisper, and George Sr. purses his lips at her. She takes a long drink.
“So you-you-you know about-about-about us alread-read-ready?” Gob stammers, completely in shock.
“Of course,” Lucille says. “Buster told us ages ago.”
“How did you know?” Gob asks Buster.
“I met you guys in a park, didn’t I?” Buster says. “I mean really. A park! What could be gayer than that?” He giggles.
“Did you know, too?” Gob asks Lindsay and Tobias. They both nod.
“It was kind of obvious,” Lindsay says. “When you two are together, you look even gayer than when Tobias raids my closet.”
“But it turns out I’m not the gay after all!” Tobias says gleefully. “Gob is! And really, if such a rugged specimen of manliness can be gay, is it even a bad thing?”
Everyone looks at him.
“Homo!” Gob pretends to cough. Everyone laughs except Tobias, who’s looking confusedly around like he’s not sure what’s going on. Gob laughs louder than all of them, the shock and relief that everyone already knows and they don’t even care almost overwhelming him. His heart feels heavy and full.
Tony puts his hand on Gob’s knee. Gob looks at him, smiling, and covers it with his own.
That went well, he thinks, and gives Tony’s hand a squeeze.
--
“So what’d you think?” Gob says as they stumble in through the door of Tony’s house. They’d taken a cab and left the car at Balboa Towers; the night had gotten progressively more exciting as everyone had gotten drunker, and Gob had ended up shirtless with tequila getting poured down his throat as a dove flew around the kitchen.
They’d made out the whole cab ride home.
“That was fun,” Tony says, slurring a little, locking the door and then grabbing Gob around the waist. “Actually, I know I was talking shit before, but your family’s pretty cool. Mine would never party together like that.”
“Yeah, the Bluths know how to party, if nothing else,” Gob says. He and Tony walk, clinging to each other, down the hall into the bedroom. Tony pushes him onto the bed and then falls on top of him and starts sucking sloppily on Gob’s neck.
“Are you satisfied? Are we done hanging out with my family now?” Gob asks.
“I think I’m playing bridge with your mother tomorrow.” Tony groans and rolls over onto his back.
Gob is too drunk to think of a good response, so he says, “Oh.” A moment later, Tony starts snoring softly. “Tony?” Gob whispers. “Tony, are you asleep?”
He doesn’t answer. Gob throws an arm over his waist and tucks his face into Tony’s shoulder.
“Maybe we really are gay,” Gob mumbles before drifting off to sleep.