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Your name is John Egbert, and you are not a homosexual.
You mean, that's not weird, right? All your friends are straight. You think. Except maybe Rose. She had told you she loved Kanaya in the doomed timeline, but... that could have meant anything, really.
Either way, you're about to meet up with her again, or at least, an alternate version of her that isn't dead. Zapping into a new session doesn't take long, and as you touch down, back among your friends, the first thing you notice is that Rose is very much alive, and has her arms around Kanaya.
Okay, maybe she is gay then. But there's about thirteen of you left, so one out of thirteen isn't bad. Or... two, you guess, considering Kanaya. Two out of thirteen. That sounds pretty normal to you.
It's been about a week in the new universe. It's also technically been over 5 thousand years, but you don't look a day older. Time travel sure is weird and useful. All it took was a bit of ectobiology and a spin on the timetables, and you're transported into a ready-made city and crowned the king. You're pretty happy being in charge of the human kingdom, along with your nanna/mother/adoptive sister Jane, but you're pretty surprised none of the others decided to rule with you. Sure there's a lot of kingdoms, but so many of them are humans too. You'd thought they'd want to be somewhere like home.
You ask them about it when you're readying to go your separate ways. "Are you guys sure you don't wanna come live in human town with me?"
"It's a tempting offer, but I'm perfectly happy in the Carapacian Kingdom with my dear sister/mother and my... girlfriend." Rose says smoothly, her emphasis on the last word making it clear she's planning on upgrading that title as soon as possible. "We'll come and visit as often as we can, though."
"We won't," Karkat says gruffly, before giving John a hug. "Looking forward to never seeing your face in person again."
"Aw, Karkat, I'll miss you too." You ruffle his hair, being rewarded with an annoyed hiss, before turning to your ecto-dad. "What about you, Jake?"
"Dirk and I are gonna lead the consort kingdom," he says cheerfully, "They're all pretty swell guys, so it should be a grand old time!"
"Yeah," Dirk says awkwardly, rubbing his neck. He seems to have picked up the habit after his second decapitation, and you can't help wondering if he's worried it's gonna fall off again. "I don't think I should be in charge of actual humans for a while. Or ever again."
"Haha, okay, well have fun!" you say cheerfully, but you can't help having doubts, and as they head off, you say to Dave, "Won't it kind of suck for them to just be on their own?"
Dave and Rose share a sideways glance. "They'll be fine, dude," Dave says casually. "They got a lotta shit to work out. Give em space to have all those fuckin' feelings jams on their own."
"And Tavros," Karkat adds.
"On their own with Tavros."
"Sort what out?" You ask, and Rose and Dave share That Look again. "Am I missing something?"
Dave shrugs. "I dunno. You ever had a bad breakup?"
"I - wait, what?"
"Yup."
"Oh." You ponder for a moment, thinking back on all the times you've seen them interact. They'd been really awkward around each other, but Jake seemed awkward around pretty much everyone, and Dirk wasn't really one for expressing emotion. "So... are they like... gay?"
"Observational skills of a brick," Karkat says drily. "Come on, let's get this shitshow on the road. John can be That Guy on his own time."
As you wave goodbye to all your friends, and trudge back to your old home on this new world, you can't help thinking to yourself, well, that's four out of thirteen I guess. Heh. What's with those numbers always coming back?
It turns out those numbers don't actually mean shit, which you discover not long after. You and Jade had been hanging out together, exploring the troll kingdom, and now you're wandering back to her shared house. You'd asked Dave and Karkat along too, but they'd declined for whatever reason.
"Why didn't the bros wanna come over?" You ask Jade as you reach her house. Or... hive. It's weird thinking your sister lives in a hive, like some kind of weird dog bee.
"Oh, you know... they had stuff to do!"
"I didn't think they did anything except watch shitty movies."
"Well, yeah..." Jade grins sheepishly. "Sometimes they just wanna do that, seeing as, you know..."
"Know what?" You've been struggling to unlock the door, because years of living on the old Earth have made you expect there to be a lock. Clearly trolls didn't have such a concept, and once you finally work that out, you swing the door open.
"Wait, John -" Jade's protest comes a little too late and dies in her mouth as you take in what's in front of you. As expected, there's some shitty movie playing on the TV. What you don't expect to see is everything else.
It takes you a good five seconds to realise that Dave has his shades off. He's lying on the couch, Karkat sprawled across his chest, and it's weird seeing those red eyes fixed on the troll. What's even weirder is Karkat isn't watching the movie. He's focused on Dave, and his face is full of softness, an expression utterly alien on someone so grumpy.
Unfortunately, that softness vanishes instantly as he notices you, and he sits bolt upright faster than the speed of sound. "JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"
"Karkat, I -"
"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT -"
"Geez, calm down -"
"GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT -"
Jade, ever the hero, grabs you by the waist and hoists you over her shoulder, fireman carrying you away from the front door and Karkat's continued screams. "Okay, I'm gonna take you home before he murders you. It's been really fun though!"
You barely have time to complain before she shoots off into the sky, and all too soon you're dumped back on your doorstep. She gives you a cheery wave, and is about to take off when you cry, "Jade, wait!"
"What?"
"I thought you were dating Dave!" You blurt out.
Thankfully, she doesn't fly off, but she does roll her eyes and ruffle your hair. "John, you're my brother and I love you, but you're really silly sometimes. I had a crush on Dave when I was thirteen. He's my best friend, and he means a lot to me! But we're just friends." Wistfulness clouds her gaze, and she adds a little sadly, "The only Dave I want is kind of stuck somewhere else right now."
"Davesprite?"
"Not really... Davesprite's sort of fused with with a troll cat girl. And to be honest, I really like them the way they are now!"
The words troll cat girl bounce around in your head, and you ask, "So is that Dave a boy or a girl?"
"Um... I don't know? It's pretty rude to just ask people that!" She sticks her tongue out at you, then continues, "I don't really care either way. I like Davepetasprite, however they want to identify."
"So you're not... uh..."
Jade starts giggling. "This is what I mean! You're really silly. I mean, you're my bro, and my other best friend, and you never picked up that I don't just like boys?" And with that, she's flying away, her laughter fading into the breeze.
Uh. Okay. That happened. Seems the 4/13 ratio was meaningless. This sets it to 7 out of 13, which seems way too high to you. You thought friend groups normally had the token gay friend, but there's enough tokens here to win a shit ton of prizes at a casino, or wherever the hell tokens are actually used.
Still... half isn't too bad, is it?
You'd been receiving a lot of snaps from the carapace kingdom. It's nice seeing Rose and Kanaya be adorable together, and it's reassuring knowing Roxy's having fun with her new friend Calliope. It seems like they spend a hell of a lot of time together, and you're really glad for her, because you'd sort of worried with all her close friends off in different kingdoms, she'd get lonely.
Of course, you are John motherfucking Egbert, and the penny doesn't actually drop until you call up Roxy and ask her if she wanted to go out somewhere.
"Oh, ummm... hey John, do you wanna talk about, like... stuff?"
"Stuff?"
"Like, you know how we kiiinda had something maybe going on a bit?"
"Oh, uh." In truth, you hadn't really thought about it. Roxy had been really nice and friendly, and a little flirty, and, yeah, maybe you liked her. "Yeah."
"Yeah, well, y'see John... I'm not sure what you've been takin from that, but... I dunno if it's gonna work out."
"What?" This... isn't where you expected the conversation to go. You hadn't even asked her on a date, at least you don't think you did, but you can't help feel a twinge of disappointment.
"You're a really great guy, and I really like you! But I think we should just be friends."
"Uh... okay. Do you still wanna go out and do something, totally platonically?"
"Hehehe, sure."
It's only a few days later when you see her post a snap with her arms around Callie that something in your brain clicks. Oh. Of course.
Nine out of thirteen.
Okay, look. You're a good friend, and you don't mind gay people or anything, but this is getting a bit too much. Nine? Out of thirteen? Thats nearly three quarters of your friend group. Surely something's gone wrong here. Maybe you miscounted. Maybe you're reading things wrong. Whatever it is, you've messed something up.
It's bothering you so much that you bring it up the next time all of you have a campfire night. It's become something of a tradition for the thirteen of you to take a night off from ruling your kingdoms and roast marshmallows, and pretend you're a normal group of friends instead of demigod monarchs.
"Haha, guys, I'm sorry if this sounds really weird, but have you ever noticed how like... a lot of us are gay?"
This gets a variety of reactions. Roxy lets out a huge snort, which makes Callie devolve into a fit of giggles. Jade and Jane join in too, much to your annoyance. Karkat looks ready to murder you, whereas Dave remains utterly expressionless.
Rose raises her eyebrows at you. "Why, no. Somehow it never occured to me that all my friends in same-gender relationships might not be straight. Truly, this is an eye-opener."
"Oh, ha ha." You stick your tongue out at her. "I mean, I don't have a problem with it or anything -"
"Great, let me get a fucking medal for you," Karkat mutters.
"- but don't you think it's weird? I mean, that there's so many?"
"Not really," everyone responds in unison.
"Geez, okay, never mind then. It's just more than half of us now, like, nine out of thirteen -"
"Wait, nine?" Jade tips her head to the side in confusion. You're pretty sure that's a dog thing. She does a lot of dog things now. "Where did you get nine from?"
"Well, there's a lot of you now, so I just count the straight ones and subtract it from the total. Which is me, Jane, Terezi and Vriska, right?"
You're not sure who starts laughing first, Jane or Karkat. Both of them are pretty unexpected. You don't know whether to be confused or annoyed. "What?"
"Oh - sorry I just - hoo hoo hoo!" Jane covers her mouth, but the giggles don't stop coming. "John, my dear, I think you've got the wrong idea!"
"What do you mean?"
"Why do you think I keep visiting the Carapacian Kingdom?"
You shrug.
"I'm there seeing Roxy and Callie!"
"But... I thought they were dating."
"They are!" She's still giggling, and now Roxy and Callie have joined in too. "And I'm dating them too!"
"Oh." This is a lot to wrap your head around. "Like a threesome?"
Roxy's giggles turn into gasping, snorting laughter, and she has to hang on to Callie to stay upright. "Jeeeeesus, John, you're a fuckin riot, you know that?"
"The correct word is polyamory, I believe," Callie explains, blushing hard. "I know it's a lot to take in, but I assure you, we're all very happy."
"Well, that's good," you say awkwardly, because you honestly have no idea how to process what's just happened. "Good for you, Jane."
"Thanks, dear."
"What about you, Karkat?" You say, desperate to divert the conversation. "What are you laughing at?"
"Oh, nothing, just the very idea that Terezi's been searching the old universe for months now, looking for Vriska, and you seriously think there's nothing going on there?"
"They're moirails, aren't they?"
This time Dave starts laughing too. It's very quiet, and barey noticeable, but from someone like him it's practically a shining beacon of emotion. "Haha, oh man, you're incredible."
"Moirails!" Karkat snorts. "John, you're hilarious. Or you would be if you weren't so fucking oblivious. Those two are redder than my freakish mutant blood."
"But... I dated Vriska. Sort of. In an alternate timeline."
"That explains it even more, then," Dave mutters, before expertly dodging the marshmallow you throw at him.
"Like I said," Karkat continues, shoving a hand over Dave's mouth, "You're oblivious. Those two haven't noticed boys in years. Terezi's going to find Vriska, and drag that cerulean shithead right back here, and it'll be flushed as all hell, and in your human terms, very gay."
"Oh..." You pick up another marshmallow and roast it thoughtfully. So Jane isn't straight, and apparently neither is your sort-of-ex-girlfriend. Or your spades crush Terezi. Man, you can't help feeling pretty rejected by that.
It's only when you start counting in your head it dawns on you. "Wait... that means..."
"Congrats, dude," Dave says, trying really hard not to laugh again. "You're our token straight friend."
Okay. Okay. You think you've stopped freaking out over being the only straight one left now. Does it really even matter? You still love all of them. You're really happy that Rose and Kanaya are engaged now, and you're happy Karkat's finally found someone else to ramble his bullshit at, and you're happy your sister is dating your ex-casual-girlfriend. Well, you're not so sure on that last one. But dammit, you are going to be a supportive friend.
It is pretty weird it turned out this way, but hey, it's not like anything in your life turned out normal. Hell, you're the god of a new universe. Maybe this just goes with the territory.
But it's okay. All your friends are gay, and that's fine. You're straight, and that's also fine. And you are straight. You are.
The next time you all meet up, it's earlier in the evening, and you're one of the last ones there. You feel pretty awkward being around so many couples, but it's not as bad as it used to be. You're busy getting the fire ready when Jake surprises you by slapping you on the back, nearly sending you sprawling into the wood.
"Sorry we're late, old chap. We got into a darn intense sparring match with the old Englishbot."
"That's alright!" You straighten up and give him a bro-hug, but as he wanders off to greet the others something catches your eye.
Dirk's a few feet behind Jake, clearly still out of breath from the fight. He's opted to wear a tank top, or just didn't bother changing, and for the first time you notice he's actually pretty well-muscled, or maybe it's just more defined when he's drenched in sweat. He runs a hand through his perfectly styled blonde hair, the other resting in his pocket, and you guess he catches you staring, because he pauses, before giving you the smallest of smirks and striding off to say hi to Dave.
You shouldn't have eaten all those marshmallows before everyone got here. They're clearly disagreeing with you, and your stomach is churning so much you have to go and sit down. For a moment you wonder if you're going to be sick.
Someone slumps down beside you. "What's up with you, man."
"I dunno, I just felt really funny all of a sudden." Great, now you've started sweating a little too. "I think something's wrong with me."
Dave pats your shoulder in sympathy. "Aw, dude. You can go home and lie down if you wanna."
"No, I'll be fine." You force yourself to your feet, resolutely ignoring how your legs are wobbling. "Come on, let's go join the others."
It's not until six hours later that you realise what actually caused your reaction, and the only thought your mind can form is oh, shit.
"Hey, um, Dave, can I ask you something?"
Dave is peering at you in confusion, hair a mess, once again without his shades. Actually, he's without a lot of things, dressed only in Karkat's sweater and a pair of boxers. "John, it's eight in the fuckin morning."
"Is that early?"
"Straight people really are weird." He squints at you a moment longer, before gesturing into the house. You step in, then nearly jump out of your skin as he yells upstairs, "Karkat, John's here, I stole your sweater so please don't come down shirtless."
"FUCK OFF!" Echoes from the stairway.
You perch on the sofa nervously as Dave slumps down beside you, eyes already closed again. "What d'you want, then?"
"How do you feel about Karkat?"
"What?" He runs a hand through his hair, brows furrowing. "What the fresh fuck are you talking about? I hope you're not here to try and pull some mobius no homo reacharound."
"No, I'm serious. What's it feel like?"
He peers at you through one bleary eye, and you're not sure if he's judging your sincerity or just trying to get you in focus. "Uh. Okay. It's like... I see him and my day is instantly better. And sometimes he looks at me, and it makes my stomach flip over and my knees weak, arms spaghetti. And I just wanna do everything with him. Even watch shitty Dane Cook movies. I would barrel my way through a fuckin trench of Adam Sandler if Karkat would enjoy it."
"That's gay, Dave," Karkat says gruffly, shuffling into the room, mercifully not shirtless. "And fuck off John, you're still banned from this house as far as I'm concerned, what the hell are you doing here asking Dave about his feelings."
"I didn't want Rose to give me a therapy session, asking Roxy is too embarrassing, Dirk doesn't have feelings and everyone else is related to me." You bury your face in your hands. "God, this is embarrassing."
"What is?" Dave pats your back, and you know the smug bastard's already worked it out.
"...I think I like a boy."
"Holy shit. Karkat, get the cake. Our Johnny's finally out of the closet."
"Shut up," You and Karkat say in unison.
"Hey, jokes aside, it's okay bro." Dave pulls your hands away from your face and gives you a hug. "I'm proud of you, man. Coming out like that. You're part of the family now."
"Haha, thanks asshole."
"So who is it?"
You don't say anything. You don't have to. As the silence draws out, Dave's expression slowly changes from pride to horror. Just as it becomes unberable, Karkat lets out a hoot of laughter.
"No," Dave whispers.
"Yes," you say guiltily.
"No way, dude. That breaks Bro Code. Don't fuckin tell me that shit."
Karkat is howling, clutching the sofa, tears streaming down his face.
"Sorry, Dave."
"Dude! You can't have a crush on my brother! That's fucked up, I - Karkat, stop laughing - I won't allow it! It's illegal!"
"That's just how it is. I don't understand half of what he says, and he's kind of a miserable asshole at times, but he has this way of spouting bullshit and making it sound funny or profound. Also he's kind of hot."
"No shut up shut up I'm not hearing this." Dave puts his hands over his ears. "I refuse to listen to this horsehit. It's not happening."
"Dave, don't deny your best friend his first boy crush," Karkat wheezes.
"I hate both of you so much."
Karkat tries to tug Dave's hands away, but ends up getting pulled over the sofa, kicking you in the face in the process. Before you know it, the three of you are in a heap on the floor, wheezing in both humour and rage.
"I knew it. I knew you weren't straight. "I'm not a homosexual" my ass." Dave sounds scandalised. "But my brother."
"At least it wasn't you," you say weakly.
"Yeah alright, fair point."
"You won't tell him, will you?"
"Course not. As far as the rest of them know, you're still our lil token hetero."
You're not sure if Dave is a filthy liar, or if you're just not as subtle as you thought. You're chilling out between the kingdoms, somewhere there's less people and more nature, when you hear someone touch down behind you. You're not sure who you're expecting, but it's certainly not Dirk.
"Uhhh... hi."
"Hey." He holds out a piece of paper to you. "Rose couldn't find you. Told me to deliver this." You take it and turn it over in your hands. RSVP.
"Oh, thanks. This'll be awesome."
"Yeah. There's something pretty satisfying about taking an archaic and heteronormatve legally binding contract and using to create a beautiful ceremony celebrating the love between two interspecies lesbians."
You understood maybe half of that, but you think it was meant to be a joke, so you laugh a little. "Haha, um, yeah."
"Great. I'll see you around." He goes to take off, and you study the envelope. It's so weird to think you had a crush on Rose all those years ago. You briefly wonder if it could've turned out differently, but you push the thought away. Seven years is a long time. You like things how they are now. Rose is going to get married to the alien girl of her dreams. Your best friend is dating a very shouty alien boy. Nobody in your family is straight, nor is anyone in your friend group, and you know what, you're actually, truly okay with it. You're done being kind of weird and douchey. You are okay with how everything turned out. This is how it should be.
"Ah, fuck it. Can't deny a bro like this." Dirk's voice startles you, and you turn around. You barely have enough time to register a blur in front of your face, the quickest kiss against the corner of your mouth, and an awkward but still incredibly smug smirk before he's soaring into the air.
The last token is played, thirteen to zero, and as you touch the ghostly imprint left on your face, the whole idea that something's wrong vanishes from your mind forever.
You are John Egbert.
And you are not a heterosexual.