Work Text:
“Please, Moony. Please, I’m so bloody sorry, I-I didn’t mean it please” A voice called out from behind a locked door.
A boy, or young man, was curled up on the floor, his back against the tile walls. He was staring at nothing and everything, looking but not seeing. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and every few moments he wiped the away with his sleeve. His cheeks and ears were red and hot, his hair disheveled and his eyes clouded with tears. The boy made no response to the frantic voice from behind the door, but a sob hitched a way up his throat and he screwed his eyes to prevent tears from falling, but to no prevail.
“Love, please… I love you, you know that. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen!”
The other boy, who was behind the door, had his head resting on the door so his face was downward. His hand was balled up into a fist and was resting next to the door. His glasses were askew and the cool confident demeanor was broken, his eyes had tears in them and he was shaking his head softly, continuing to convince the other boy to come out.
“Moony, Remus. Come out please, we can talk this out just open the door, I can explain everything.”
The boy regretted the words as soon as they came out and cursed softly. The boy curled up, Remus, head shot up and his eyes flared, and even if the words came out scratchily and rough, the boy behind the door could feel his anger and disbelief.
“Explain what James? That you cheated on me and said her name while we were….” Remus’s voice hitched and he couldn’t even get the word out.
“Remy, please...”
“SHUT UP! DON’T CALL ME THAT. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, I won’t call you that again. But please come out we need to work this- “
He was cut off by a scoff.
“Work what out James? That you lied to me repeatedly and that you promised day after day and night after night that you would never do something like this? I just have a question, was she really worth this? Years of friendship and our love, discarded to the rubbish bin because of her? ANSWER ME JAMES WAS LILLIAN EVANS WORTH ALL OF THIS JAMES, THE HEARTBREAK, THE PAIN AND LIES, THE SECRETS! WAS SHE BLOODY WORTH IT?!” Remus had shouted out once James didn’t answer, and rose to his feet, fury and pain blazing in his eyes.
James stayed silent, his head bowed, tears forming in his eyes again while he looked on in shame. His and Remus’s relationship had been a secret, due to James request, Remus wanted people to know, but James didn’t, secretly ashamed of the relationship a bit. He promised Remus once they began that he didn’t have feelings for Lily, and it was true but not the complete one. He would always have feelings for Lily, but he began to fall for Remus and told himself that what he and Remus had would only be a fling, a mistake.
He didn’t plan on falling for the lanky and witty boy, with brown eyes that could light up the sky and a smile that always brightened his day.
Since his and Remus’s relationship was a secret, Lily didn’t know what he and Remus did, in fact the whole school didn’t know, expect Sirius, oh if he ever found out, he would kill James, best friend or not.
He would sneak out with Lily and go to the RoR and spend an hour at least in there, where James left ashamed of himself every time. He’d sneak out with her, afraid of the growing feelings for Remus and would snog her to admit to himself that he still liked girls, and he did that every time he ever questioned it, but always forgot about her when he was with Remus.
This time it was a mistake. James had blurted out Lily’s name and Remus’s eyes widened in shock and filled with tears as he scrambled off James and ran to the closest room, the bathroom and locked himself in there. James had scrambled after him, flinging his glasses on his face and he threw his tie around his neck on the bed, and began pounding on the door crying out to be let in, as Remus sobbed on the other side, which broke James’s heart as he knew that he broke Remus’s.
The doorknob twisted slowly as if it was afraid to open, and stepped out Remus, puffy and red-eyed with a carefully blank face as James stepped back and looked at him. He stepped forward towards Remus but Remus flinched and backed away from his touch. James took a step back as well and stared at Remus as he step-sided him and began to collect his belongings.
Once his coat, scarf, robe, and wand were safely in his grasp he walked toward the door to leave but was blocked by James who ran in front and stood in front of the door.
Remus’s eyes blazed before dimming down, tiredness and pain visible his body language and his eyes. James looked up at him and saw the slight redness and purple blossoming on his neck, caused by him along with the slight redness of his lips, before he blurted out her name, and thought that might not happen anymore, but he also saw what he also caused Remus. Red rimmed eyes, tear tracks on his cheeks, and a small shakiness in Remus's lanky posture.
“James, please move.”
“No, Remus. Love, let me explain.”
“James, there is nothing to explain. You cheated, and lied about it and you obviously did not love me like you say, let me pass.”
“No, Remus that is not true I love you with my entire heart.”
“Do you love Lily?”
“What?”
“Do, you love her?”
James hesitated and that was all the answer Remus needed. He nodded sadly and moved a shocked James out of the way.
“Like I thought, James I can’t live like this, not with another secret to burden. I love you and you’re the only one I’ve ever loved. You love me yes, but you love her too and she seems like the better option to be with if you wanted a family. She is smart and beautiful, and she can give you a life I never could. You could be out with her in public and be proud and not have to be ashamed as you are with me. I know you are James, and I understand. Graduation is in a few days, and then what? How would we live our lives? In the shadows under the appearance of being best mates and not lovers? I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t proud enough of our love that he wouldn’t want to shout it to the world. You are being given a choice. You be with her, happy and have a family and live in the sun or you choose me, and I couldn’t give you that and we would be stuck in the dark under the moon. You choose one of us at Graduation, James. You said that you’ll never leave me and I believed you. When the moon came by, I wasn’t as sad because I thought you would love me no matter what. Tell me James, was I wrong or right? ”
Remus opened the door and left swiftly tears reforming in his eyes as James stared at the spot where Remus was located before. He rubbed his face with his hand and let out a shaky breath before sitting down and putting his face in his hands.
Days later, James was dressed in his robes and a cap in front of the podium students cheering and hooting after he grabbed Lily and swooped her down into a kiss in front of everyone. He held her hand and grinned widely but it dimmed when he saw an empty seat with a cap placed neatly on it and a distant lanky figure walking away from the commotion and he felt a sharp pain in his chest and he remembered all the hushed confessions of love, the kisses and love-making in their room or broom cupboard, the sweet moments between them, the looks and smiles they shared. Everything they had was gone, and it was his fault.
Remus was secretly hoping that James would chose him, but he wasn’t an idiot and even though he was hurt, he wasn’t surprised when James grabbed Lily and bent her down for a kiss, he stood up and smiled sadly at them before taking off his cap and putting it on the chair and walked away from the cheers and shouts of “Finally!” and “Took them long enough!” Tears present in his eyes but they didn’t slip out, not this time. ‘I’m happy for him, because he’s happy and even though it’s not me making him happy.’ He thought as if he needed to convince himself.
Years passed and things between him and James haven’t been the same. He wasn’t invited to the wedding by James but Lily gave him an invitation but he didn’t end up going, even if what they had was over, he could never endure the torture of watching the love of his life vow to always love and protect another person.
He traveled to Ireland when he heard of the pregnancy of Lily and James and was there for a year. He would still talk to Sirius and ask Lily how was baby Harry. He wanted to hate Harry, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t the child’s fault that his father had ripped out his heart and left it to die, he became ashamed of himself of even thinking of hating Harry.
His conversations with James were clipped and short, but his gaze always lingered seeing James smile and laugh at what Lily said or what Harry did.
He searched for a job but as a werewolf, he was rejected many times and joined the Order once he turned 21, along with Sirius, James, Lily, and other people he knew from Hogwarts.
He sometimes had to do missions with James and they didn’t talk, they finished the job quickly and went back and Remus walked away when Lily would envelope James in a hug and kiss him.
He hadn’t seen James as much after it was said that the Potter family was in danger from You-Know-Who or Voldemort.
He broke down and cried after he heard the news that James and Lily had been killed protecting Harry and that Harry was being sent to his Aunt and Uncle, he tried to convince McGonagall and Dumbledore that he and Sirius could take the child, but Dumbledore said that he was safer with the muggles.
He screamed and raged when he heard that Sirius had been taken away under conspiracy that he had sold out James and Lily and that he was working with Voldemort and had killed Peter.
He lost his friends in the matter of days and he was the last Marauder left. He always thought that he would be the first to die or to be excluded, but was hit by the irony. The one Marauder that had wanted to die, was the last one alive.
He had seen the striking resemblance between Harry and James but with the exception of his eyes those were Lily’s.
His heart felt a sharp pain at the reminder that James had chosen Lily over him and the evidence was standing in front of him, who was asking him how to protect himself from the Dementors.
He freezes for a second when Harry admits that he heard his dad when he was trying the patronus charm and if he knew his father. He said that he knew his father in school, but didn’t mention about the Marauders and how he and his father were in love.
He didn’t want to be with Nymphadora at first, since the first time he ever dated, the man he loved had left him and had died.
But he also didn’t want to see if he could love anyone other than James, but nevertheless he tried and she made him happy.
He was at Hogwarts looking out in the sky, his mind replacing the dark and menacing night that could be filled with death and screams, with the sunlight gleaming and him and James out in the Quiddtch field laughing with the others and the picnics spent in the edge of the forest.
He hugged Nymphadora when she appeared and wished a bit that it was James he was hugging.
He had seen the green ray of the curse and when he was hit, he sat up, and blinked away the spots in his vision and squinted at the bright light before his vision adjusted and he saw James smiling sadly at him saying that ‘He was an idiot for dying so soon.’
And accepted the hand and pulled himself up with James and hugged him before seeing Sirius and Lily and embracing them too. He answered honestly to Harry’s question about Tonks and his son in the forest and James had looked at him discreetly and hurt flashed through his eyes, and Remus raised an eyebrow and nudged his head towards Lily and Harry as if saying ‘Really?’ Tonks was looking around when Remus and the others came back from talking to Harry. She had hugged Remus and cried a bit murmuring about Teddy and if he would be okay.
Remus gave the same answer he gave Harry and caught James’s eye, who was looking at him. A bright light flashed surrounded them and after it died down, they all looked at each other in shock. Remus, James, Sirius, and Lily all looked like their 17-year-old selves and Tonks’s had only de-aged a couple years to match Remus.
Remus gave a laugh of surprise, remembering how lanky and awkward he was before looking at James, and he smiled sadly. James looks like his 17-year-old self and that caused a pain in Remus’s chest remembering about their last year at Hogwarts.
James had beckoned him over to the side and Remus let go of Tonks’s hand carefully. He reached him and felt strange since James had grown taller as they reached their twenties and Remus forgot how he towered slightly over him when they were teens.
“Hi.”
“Hey.”
“Start over?”
“Yeah, that’s t-the best plan.”
“Okay, hi I’m James Potter.” He extended his hand towards Remus who looked at it and smiled and took it and shook it, smiling at James, who smiled back.
“Hi, I’m Remus Lupin.”