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Sanji hadn't left the galley for more than a few minutes at a time in days. He'd even slept there every night since his return to the Sunny. The kitchen made sense to him and had always been his refuge when he had nowhere else to turn. He needed that familiarity and comfort now more than ever.
Things had been strained with his nakama since he'd come back. Nami in particular had kept him at arm's length, cold to him in a way that he knew he deserved, but that hurt him deeply. Most of the others were going to great pains to treat him the same way they always had which was almost worse than Nami's cold shoulder because he didn't feel like the same old Sanji at all.
He heard the door behind him creak open, but didn't let his attention stray from the marinade he was preparing. He'd been making all of Luffy's favorite meat dishes to try to make up for the guilt he felt over Luffy's hunger strike. His captain's faith in him was awe inspiring and he hoped that someday he could be worthy of it. Until then, the least he could do was ply him with all of the meat he could eat.
Heavy footsteps entered the room and he tensed up immediately. Other than when he had joined the rest of his nakama for the fight with Kaido, Sanji hadn't seen Zoro. He was honest enough with himself to admit that he'd been avoiding the judgment he was sure the swordsman would aim his way. After all, no one was more loyal than Zoro and he held everyone to his own impossibly high standards.
"Can I get you something?" Sanji asked quietly when Zoro didn't move further into the room.
"Is there a reason you've been hiding in here?" Zoro asked.
"I'm not hiding! I've been busy," Sanji snapped, automatically falling into the easy rhythm of an argument. He spun to face Zoro, but when he saw the state the swordsman was in he deflated immediately. Zoro was covered almost entirely in bandages and his one good eye was blackened by a fierce looking bruise.
He hadn't seen Zoro since they'd left Wano--he'd been taken straight to the infirmary and Sanji hadn't left the galley--but now seeing him so badly injured made all of the irritation he usually felt toward Zoro disappear immediately. The last time Zoro had looked this bad was Thriller Bark and Sanji felt at least partially responsible. If he hadn't been so distracted by his shitty family's political machinations Zoro wouldn't have had to hold out for so long on his own. Sure he and Luffy had made it in time to join the fight, but it had been a close call.
"Don't look at me like that," Zoro said gruffly. "I'll heal."
Sanji sighed. "Luffy and I should have been there sooner."
"Yeah, you should have," Zoro said bluntly. "You should have never left."
Sanji went to the refrigerator and got out a bottle of sake. He sat down at the table and pulled out the chair next to him for Zoro. Sanji may have tried to avoid this conversation, but he wasn't a coward and he'd face it like a man.
As he waited for Zoro to join him, Sanji lit his cigarette and took a deep calming inhale. He didn't usually smoke while cooking for fear of ashes soiling his food, but he was going to need it to get through this conversation.
Once Zoro was seated, Sanji finally spoke."I wish I hadn't. I wish those awful people weren't my family. I wish a lot of things."
Zoro shook his head. "Regrets don't get you anywhere. Accept what happened, learn from it, and stop hiding in the kitchen."
"That's easy for you to say. You don't have any regrets."
"Because I choose to learn from my failures. You can't get stronger without testing your strength and sometimes you come up short. You can either get upset or you can train more so it doesn't happen again." Zoro took a swig from the sake.
"Of course you'd make everything about physical strength," Sanji muttered, shaking his head. "I don't think you can train this away."
"It's a metaphor," Zoro said barely hiding his irritation. "The point is that you can't change what happened, but if you're back, you have to actually be here. We need to know that we can count on you and we can't do that if you're avoiding us and wallowing in self pity."
Sanji wanted to be angry. He wanted to kick Zoro's self-righteous ass out of the galley, but he couldn't because Zoro was right. This was one of those rare times when Zoro put on his First Mate hat which meant that Sanji had to take what he said seriously and avoid the temptation to fall back into their normal bickering.
Besides, despite their near constant arguing, he was probably closer friends with Zoro than he was with the rest of his nakama. Zoro and he understood each other in ways that no one else ever would. Even his arguments with Zoro were practically affectionate--much like his relationships with the other cooks at the Baratie--and nothing at all like the hateful fights he'd had with his brothers.
Most importantly, he knew that Zoro wouldn't use this conversation against him in the future, the same way he'd never breathed a word about Zoro's sacrifice at Thriller Bark.
"I'm not dealing well," Sanji forced himself to admit. He hated showing his weaknesses to anyone, but the time to childishly hide his insecurities behind his rivalry with Zoro was long over. The New World was too dangerous to indulge his own pride. He wouldn't be any good to his nakama if he couldn't move past what had happened and avoidance was just making things worse. "I can't bear to look at them knowing that I let them down."
"You're being harder on yourself than they'll ever be," Zoro said. "If anything they forgive too easily."
Sanji smiled sadly. "You must have missed Nami-san's cold shoulder."
"The witch will get over it." Zoro shrugged and Sanji swallowed his instinctive defense of Nami--this wasn't the time for that. "She's just not used to you being a fully fleshed human being."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sanji asked, not sure if he should be offended or not.
"From the moment you joined the crew you doted on her and indulged her every whim. I can count on one hand the number of times you've said no to her."
"What's that have to do with anything?"
"You've never been anything other than your 'prince' persona around her," Zoro explained and Sanji flinched internally at the word. Now that he'd been reminded of the weight the title carried the fantasy had lost its luster. "You've never shared anything honest with her before."
"I'm not the only one who's never shared my past," Sanji said pointedly.
"It's not just about the past," Zoro said. "It's about who you really are. I know you and so does Luffy and even Usopp, but you've always kept your distance from the girls in all the ways that really matter.You make everything about them so is it really that surprising that they don't know anything about you? The hearts and twirls might be good enough for random women, but your nakama deserve more."
Sanji tilted his head at Zoro. "When did you get so damn perceptive?"
Zoro smirked. "You'd be amazed at how much you can pick up when everyone thinks you're asleep."
"Setting aside your rather disturbing insight into my relationships for a moment," Sanji said. "You mentioned that the others forgive too easily. What about you?"
Zoro looked at him thoughtfully. "Do you regret coming back?"
"No!" Sanji exclaimed. "I never wanted to leave in the first place. This is the only place I feel like myself."
"Okay then," Zoro said simply.
"Can you really forgive me that easily?"
Zoro shrugged. "I'm not pleased you left. I wish you'd trusted us enough to let us help you from the start and I'm really not happy about the things Nami told me you did." Zoro gave him a dark look and Sanji bowed his head, grinding his cigarette between his teeth. He had hoped that Nami would keep his treatment of her and Luffy to herself. "But if you tell me it won't ever happen again, I'll trust your word."
"Never again," Sanji promised solemnly, glad that Zoro was still willing to trust him despite everything. Next to Luffy, Zoro's opinion mattered most to him--even more than Nami's. While he'd always sought Nami's affection, he'd fought to earn Zoro's respect. The thought of losing that respect was almost too much to bear.
Zoro nodded to himself and passed Sanji the bottle of sake. "So what about that girl? Jello? Tapioca? Whatever her name was. Do you regret leaving her?"
"Pudding," Sanji supplied, once again resisting the urge to kick Zoro. This talking thing was actually unknotting the ball of anxiety in his stomach and he refused to let the marimo ruin it by baiting him into a fight. "And no. She was perfect and in another lifetime I could have been very happy with her. But not this life." He took a deep drink to fortify himself before continuing. "I tried to make the most of it for her sake, but it was nothing more than going through the motions."
"She seemed like just your type," Zoro pressed. "I figured you'd fall for her."
Sanji didn't know why Zoro seemed so hung up on Pudding. He normally couldn't care less about the women Sanji pursued. Maybe he was concerned that despite his promise Sanji would go back to her and leave them again? The thought that Zoro still might not trust him was upsetting so he decided to be brutally honest in a way he rarely was even with himself.
"One thing this entire shitty experience made me realize is that I'm never going to settle down," Sanji said quietly. "Marriage and a family isn't in the cards for me and I'm surprisingly okay with that. I'd rather spend my life on the sea chasing different kinds of dreams."
Zoro raised an eyebrow. "Never thought I'd hear you say that."
"I'm just being realistic for once. You and I both know the chance that we'll live to middle age is slim. Pirates don't get to grow old, especially not the ones who declare war on the World Government." Sanji dropped his eyes to study the label on the bottle. "Besides I don't think I'm going to trust anyone outside of this crew ever again. Not enough to be with them."
Zoro nodded. "Okay then." They drank in companionable silence, passing the bottle back and forth for several minutes, before Zoro sat back and gave Sanji a critical once over. "You look exhausted."
"So do you," Sanji shot back automatically. "Does Chopper even know you're out of bed?'
Zoro rolled his eyes. "Other than the guilt why aren't you sleeping?"
Sanji sighed and gave Zoro a pointed look. "We never talk about it, but nightmares aren't a stranger to either of us and it's impossible to hide those sorts of things in a communal bunk room. That's one reason I've been sleeping in here." Zoro inclined his head in acknowledgement and the lack of judgment made Sanji decide to elaborate. "I don't know how much Nami-san told you, but my family are like the villains out of a cruel fairytale. Seeing them again brought back memories that I'd buried a long time ago. None of them pleasant." While he spoke, Sanji absently rubbed at the burn marks still visible on his wrists.
Zoro noticed and he reached out and took Sanji's hand, tilting it to examine the burns. The unexpected touch caused Sanji's heart to beat faster. "What did they do to your hands?"
"Explosive bracelets." Sanji laughed bitterly. "My family never did have any respect for me, but they did pay enough attention to know what would hurt me most."
Zoro frowned at the marks. "Please tell me you killed at least a few of them."
"Killing them wouldn't be punishment enough," Sanji said fiercely. "But they know better than to mess with me and mine ever again."
Zoro's thumb rubbed soothing circles on the back of Sanji's hand. The touch was both comforting and disconcerting all at once. They had never been gentle to each other--not like this--but Sanji was quickly discovering that he liked this kind of attention from Zoro just as much as he enjoyed their fights.
Zoro stared at their joined hands. "I'm glad you're back, cook."
"Are you?"
"I never say anything I don't mean," Zoro responded gruffly. He met Sanji's eyes with an intensity he rarely showed outside of battle. "Were you serious about giving up on women?"
"I'm sure I'll always appreciate beautiful women and it would be a shame not to pamper them like they deserve," Sanji said honestly. "But I have no desire for a relationship outside of this crew."
Zoro softly squeezed Sanji's hand. "And in the crew?"
"What are you trying to ask, marimo?" Sanji asked quietly.
"The idea of you getting married and leaving didn't sit well with me and I have to admit I'm glad I wasn't there to see it." A faint blush was visible high on Zoro's cheeks, but to his credit he didn't break eye contact.
"I'm glad you weren't too. You wouldn't be so kind to me now if you had been."
Zoro snorted. "I'm never kind."
"You tell yourself that."
"Baka," Zoro said, his voice was fond. "The thing is I gave up on the idea of a relationship a long time ago because I knew my dream made a normal life impossible. It wouldn't be fair to another person to leave them behind and it wouldn't be fair to hold myself back. But you… you push me forward and have never once held me back. You're powerful and capable and if you've finally let go of your stupid romantic fantasies--"
"They aren't stupid!" Sanji yelled. He glanced at the door and lowered his voice before they drew the attention of the rest of their nakama. "Romance isn't stupid, but you are if you think you can just resign yourself to be with me because it's convenient and I can hold my own in a fight. I need more than that, shitty marimo."
"Did you completely ignore the part where I told you that you make me a better person?"
"Is that what you think you said?"
"You certainly annoy me like no one else can." Zoro sighed, but didn't let go of Sanji's hand. "I've been in love with you since Little Garden."
Sanji's mouth dropped open. Trust the idiot swordsman to just casually say something like that as if it were a weather report.
"What? Are you sure it wasn't just the blood loss from almost cutting off your own feet?" Sanji deflected almost desperately, not sure if he wanted Zoro to take the out he was offering or not.
"I'm sure," Zoro said dryly. He leaned closer and the same intense determination he gave to his training was now entirely focused on Sanji. "I realized it during that stupid fight over the dinosaurs. I never told you how I felt, because I didn't see the point. You were head over heels for Nami and there were always more important things to worry about."
"I had no idea," Sanji whispered. Suddenly a lot of things--including Zoro's frequent disrespect for Nami--were taking on a whole new meaning.
He stared at Zoro for a long time, trying to collect his thoughts. Sanji had casually declared his love to literally hundreds of women over the years, but he'd never known Zoro to express any interest in women--or men for that matter. For him to do so now meant that it had to be serious and he deserved a serious response.
He reached out with his free hand to gently touch the bandages wound around Zoro's chest. They reminded him of Thriller Bark and he finally let himself confront why he had been so determined to die for Zoro that day.
"Thriller Bark. That's when I knew that I couldn't live without you. I don't think I would call it romantic, but you were necessary to me in a way I didn't expect. I've never let myself think about it too hard, though. Hell, if my stomach wasn't full of butterflies right now just because you're holding my hand, I would probably still be in denial."
Zoro tilted his head. "Would you rather be in denial?"
"No," Sanji answered honestly. He'd always buried his feelings for Zoro underneath layers of friendship and rivalry and nakama because it was easier than confronting the idea that he might not be exclusively a ladies man. But after everything he'd been through recently that fear seemed like such a small thing. "Life's too short to hide from something like this. But what does it mean? For us? For our nakama?"
"You and me, nakama like we've always been--but more. Our fights have always been exhilarating, but that's not enough anymore. I want us to be partners in everything," Zoro answered.
It was such a different concept of love than Sanji had spent his life fantasizing about. He'd always dreamed of being the dashing prince--ironic all things considered--who saved the blushing beauty and doted on her outrageously. In his mind, he was always the protector who spoiled the ladies with romance, but Zoro didn't need or want any of that. He wanted Sanji to be his partner, taking on the world together side by side.
He had to admit there was a certain appeal to that idea. Knowing that someone always had his back and that Zoro would be with him even unto the fires of hell--they'd already been to heaven so he was pretty sure hell was coming eventually--was a powerful thing.
"You know that I would expect at least a little romance in my life," Sanji said hesitantly.
Zoro huffed. "I'm not one of your women."
"No, but if you want this--if you want me--you should accept that that's part of who I am," Sanji insisted.
Zoro sighed heavily. "I'm sure I can survive going to a nice restaurant every now and then." He sounded as if just thinking about it pained him.
Sanji smiled genuinely for the first time in days. "And you'll wear decent clothes when you do. But we can work out those details later."
He studied Zoro's face. Underneath the bruises and scars, his expression was open and hopeful and it reminded Sanji of the teenager he'd first met at the Baratie.
He leaned forward slowly, giving Zoro enough time to back out, but like everything they did, Zoro met him halfway. The kiss started out gentle and hesitant, but before long it became an aggressive battle for control just like their fights. And it was exhilarating.
Any lingering doubts about his feelings for Zoro were extinguished by that kiss. It made him feel alive and for the first time in his life he felt like he actually belonged with another person.
"Come on," Zoro said, standing up and pulling Sanji forward by his hand.
"Where are we going?"
"Outside where everybody else is."
Sanji faltered. "I should really get back to the marinade--"
"Luffy's eaten more than enough meat to know you're sorry." Zoro yanked at his hand none-to-gently. "No more hiding." He smirked. "But don't worry, once they notice we're holding hands, they'll forget all about the past month."
Sanji had to admit that would be one surefire way to break the tension.