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Two weeks had passed since the pack had gotten Derek back from Mexico, and he was his proper age again. Argent was off chasing his sister, and Derek was avoiding everyone. As usual, Stiles was holed up in his room trying not to disappoint his father any further. He had actually been lowkey avoiding Derek because the presence of Braeden made things difficult. Stiles had been crushing on Derek for a while now and seeing Derek around Braeden... well it wasn't fun okay.
So here Stiles sat, thinking about how Derek's Beta eyes were now gold instead of icy blue, and that puzzled him. He didn't like it. Something about it felt off, something about Derek felt off but Stiles wasn't going to go ask him about it... not now. He was brought out of his stupor by his cell phone blasting the theme song to Iron Man.
"Scotty... what's up."
"Stiles! Dude something is wrong."
Stiles closed his eyes willing Scott to be joking. Honestly he had had enough for a few weeks.
"What am I researching this time."
"No Stiles... it's Derek."
Immediately he perked up, sitting ramrod still in his chair waiting for Scott to continue.
"I was going over there to talk to him, and Braeden stormed out. Saying something about if he isn't going to get over it then she was out of there. Derek didn't even try dude. He just.... he just stood there and let her go. He looks fucked up man."
"Jesus Scott... when did this happen?"
"Like an hour or so ago."
"Fuck." There was something wrong and Stiles needed to get to the bottom of it, now. "I'm going over there. Alone. No one else got it?"
"Sure. Yeah."
Stiles could practically hear the puppy dog eyes over the phone, but he wasn't giving in. Not this time. He was going to confront Derek about his avoidance, knowing there was something wrong with him and he wasn't going to have the whole pack there as a witness.
+++
45 minutes later Stiles was standing in front of the loft door. Braeden's motorcycle was gone, and Derek's Camaro sat in it's usual place. Really it sat there for longer than Stiles can remember. He hadn't seen it move in weeks. Not that he had driven by the loft for any reason. Nope. Never. Stiles would never lower himself to stalking.
Stiles gave Derek the decency, and he knocked a few times. Waiting. There was no answer.
"Derek! It's Stiles. I know you can tell it's me." He waited a few beats. "Come on... don't be such a sourwolf."
Concern blossomed in his chest when there was no resounding growl. Usually Derek hated the nick name and would snarl or glare at Stiles. Without further hesitation Stiles pulled out the key that he had to the loft and opened the door.
"Derek?"
The loft was dark, and quiet. Usually Derek would be sitting on the couch, or coming around the corner when Stiles walked in or barged in depending on the day. But the wolf was nowhere to be seen. Stiles knew he was there, then he heard something fall on the floor in the direction of the bathroom. Something inside Stiles told him that Derek would chastise him for not trying to protect himself, but that something also told Stiles that something was very wrong here.
When he rounded the corner, he noticed that the bathroom door was partially open and he could hear someone fumbling around. Taking a deep breath, hoping that whatever or whoever was in there wasn't going to kill him, Stiles pushed open the door enough to stick his head inside.
"Derek?"
What he found wasn't what he had expected, and certainly didn't make him feel any better. Derek was sitting on the floor, his arms cradled to his torso, and he was breathing heavy. More than the wolf should have been.
"S...Stiles?"
Holy shit... Derek didn't hear him or smell him. Cold fear washed over Stiles.
"Hey big guy. I heard Braeden broke up with you...." Before Stiles could finish Derek's eyes met his and that was it. "Fuck... Derek are you hurt? What's wrong...."
The teen knelt down in front of Derek after shimmying his way into the bathroom. Derek's arms were shaking, and Stiles didn't like this. If there was a threat, he needed to know.
"I..." Derek looked from Stiles to his arms, and then Stiles's hands were moving without his permission, gently tugging Derek's arms away from his torso. One came freely, looking uninjured. Then Stiles straightened out Derek's left arm and it felt like the air was punched out of his chest.
Names were carves into his arm, blood dripping from some of them others not to deep. Names of Derek's family, Erica, Boyd... but Stiles couldn't stop seeing his own name. Carved deep.
"Who did this Derek?" His voice soft.
"I.... usually they heal... but I can't.... I can't shift...."
Blood was now coating Stiles's fingers where he was holding Derek's arm. He knew something was off with Derek, but he didn't know that he was losing his wolf. That was concerning, but was Stiles needed to do was clean Derek up.
"Hey... Let's get you cleaned up. I need to get you up okay."
Gently Stiles helped Derek get up, and sat him on the closed toilet seat. With a quick scan of the cupboards he found a first aide kit, and a bottle of peroxide that was rolling about on the floor. No doubt the source of the noise Stiles heard before.
As Stiles cleaned the wounds, Derek just watched his hands move. Neither of them speaking. Stiles had questions but he wasn't going to push. Instead he cleaned up the blood, wrapped Derek's arm, and then cleaned up the few blood spots on the floor.
"I don't want your pity." Derek's voice was low, but there was no anger to it. Almost as if he felt like he just needed to say it to fill the silence.
"I don't pity you. I get it."
Derek looked at Stiles, his infamous brows furrowing in confusion. Stiles swallowed around the lump forming in his throat. No one knew how much Stiles had struggled for a while, and now he was going to share one of his deepest darkest secrets. He stood in front of Derek and pulled off his hoodie. Stiles extended his own left arm out to Derek for him to see the small white marks that covered his inner elbow, and the three on the inside of his wrist. A shiver ran up his spine as Derek's fingers brushed over the raised flesh, thumbing the ones on his wrist.
"I had a low moment during the Nogitsune incident... those went pretty deep. I'm sure that they could have killed me if he hadn't taken over."
The older man's thumb still sat on top of the scars, but his eyes were no longer burning into the skin. They were staring right at Stiles searching for something. It was quiet for a while, and Stiles didn't want to say anything that could possibly cause Derek to shut down and kick him out and hurt himself further.
"You used to smell off. Before the nogitsune. Different at least. Like you... like you were sad. I should have known... but I didn't."
Stiles didn't say anything, but he watched as Derek stood up and exited the bathroom. In very Stiles fashion he followed as Derek padded to the kitchen getting water from the fridge. Whether or not Derek had his wolfy senses, he knew Stiles was behind him and passed him a bottle as well. The questions were burning in Stiles's throat.
"What are the names for?"
"People I have hurt. People that are dead or have almost died because of me."
The teen's brow furrowed. Why was his name so deep? Why was his name on there at all? Derek never had hurt him, he certainly wasn't dead... he knew that much.
"Why was mine so deep..."
There was a few beats of silence. Derek was leaning against the cabinet, thinking. Stiles had no doubt that this was a hard conversation to have. It wasn't easy for him to whip off his hoody and tell Derek what really caused those marks. Yet he did it anyway, because it was Derek. The one person who wouldn't run to his dad. The one person he trusted and cared about just as much as his dad. The only other person that he truly loved other than his dad.
Derek took a deep breath, looking at Stiles. The teen would only assume he was assessing how the information would be received, but Stiles promised himself that no matter what the wolf said, he wouldn't lose it. Not now. Maybe later, but not now.
"I have done the most damage to you. The one person that is still alive that is hurt because of me, the one person that I hate hurting the most.... is you. I need to make up for it somehow..."
The words hit Stiles right in the chest. His breath coming short. What was Derek really saying? Stiles was going to need this spelt out for him because at this rate his heart was going to explode.
"There are other ways to make up for whatever it is you think you need to make up for Derek."
Derek shook his head, thumbing at the bandage on his arm. Without thinking Stiles reached out and grabbed the older man's hand. Stopping him from picking at the bandage. His skin still felt too warm to be human, but Stiles knew that if Derek was healing there was something wrong. Kate had done something more to him, and really if Stiles put enough thought into it he knows that Kate did a lot more to Derek than he will ever tell anyone.
They sat quietly, Stiles was itching to ask more questions, but he didn't want Derek to shut down even more. It was killing him seeing Derek like this, and he wanted to do more, he should have done more but maybe it was all to overwhelming. Stiles let his hand drop from Derek's and started to step back when he got a phone call.
Scott's face lit up the screen, and at any other time Stiles would have jumped to answer but he didn't. Slipping the phone back into his pocket. The True Alpha would want to know what is going on, but Stiles wasn't sure Derek was ready to say anything. Hell, he didn't know if he was ready to say anything for Derek.
"You don't have to stay, if that was important... it's fine."
"What... what makes you think anything is more important right now?"
"Well.." Derek shrugged. "You have a life."
Stiles stepped into Derek's space. "Nothing is more important than you right now. I'm not leaving you alone. Not when you are unprotected, and not okay."
Derek made a move to say something but Stiles wasn't having it.
"Nope. Don't. Don't you dare tell me you are okay. You can't scent me, you can't hear my heartbeat, you can't heal. You cannot shift. Period. That does not equal okay."
"I was going to talk to Deaton but.... I guess I should wait maybe until tomorrow."
"You're not leaving my sight."
Stiles caught the smile that was creeping up Derek's face. He wanted to relish in the sweet look that was Derek trying to hide a smile, but other things needed to be tended to.
"It's you and me buddy. Although if you just want it to be you and me, I need to tell Scott everything is good or else you are going to have a pack of idiots in here pushing you around and smelling you up where you don't want it. Like I deal with. On second thought...."
"Okay, okay. Tell Scott something, anything just keep him out of here."
There was humor in Derek's voice and it made Stiles relax a bit. He huffed a laugh and pulled his phone from his pocket to text Scott. Informing him that everything was okay for right now, and that he was going to hang with Derek for a while. No other pack. There may or may not have been a threat of wolfsbane wrapped mistletoe.
++++
The two sat on the couch watching T.V. Usually Stiles would be sucked into anything on the screen in front of him, but instead he was watching Derek out of the corner of his eye when his eyes once again landed on the bandage.
"Stiles I may not be a wolf right now, but I can still feel you staring at me."
"Sorry... I just... I can't wrap my brain around.... why my name." Stiles squared his body to Derek's.
"I keep pushing you away because I keep thinking that will be better for you. Instead you push back and you get hurt. Concussions, a few cracked ribs that you neglected to tell anyone about, bruises, blood... the nogitsune. Everything. Stiles I... I'm not good at this relationship thing. You have reminded me of that clearly after Jennifer. I just never wanted you to end up hurt, killed, or broken because of me and yet it happened anyway."
"What are you saying Derek?"
"I guess I'm saying that I love you and I'm an idiot."
"You're an idiot alright."
Stiles slid across the couch and pressed his lips to Derek's, careful not to jostle the bandages. For a moment Stiles thought that Derek didn't actually say those things, but then Derek was kissing him back and jesus if Stiles had thought his life had capped going to comic con he was an idiot. Derek's lips were soft, but his scruff wasn't and he tasted almost sweet and shit Stiles was mentally rambling.
When they pulled apart Stiles could feel the stubble burn and it was glorious. He needed Derek like he needed to breathe, and if there was one thing he was certain of was that he was never giving Derek up.
"I love you."
The teen watched as Derek took in the three words, and his heart clenched when he watched Derek visibly relax. This was going to be tough. They still had to deal with Derek not being a wolf anymore, and the fact that Stiles's name was currently in the process of scabbing over on Derek's arm. They would deal with it... but for right now... Stiles was just going to keep kissing Derek.