Chapter Text
Deano🦅: 🎶I’M FEELIN’ (clap clap) GLAD ALL OVER 🎶
SweeperKeeper: Did you forget your caps lock or what 😒
Yassine: ignore him
Yassine: he’s mad that Marc-Andre’s still captain of Barcelona
Deano🦅: Wow, that is petty
Yassine: PRECISELY
Edi: btw, Yassine, Ali told me to tell you to take care of Darwin or else
Yassine: Don’t worry, he’s only gone and moved in with me 🙄
Yassine: he’s a sweetheart, but he’s already knocked over 2 of my vases
Keylor: oof
Marc-AndreDaGoat: 🤣🤣
SweeperKeeper: You are so pathetically petty and stubborn that I can’t believe it, even from you
SweeperKeeper: That is why I will be coming out of retirement for the next World Cup
SweeperKeeper: Germany needs a good goalie
Bernd: Eh, eh, eh, what about MEEEE?!
SweeperKeeper: sorry, I can’t respect a guy who’s playing at Fulham
Ali: Be glad Harvey’s not a goalkeeper, or he’d be at your location right now
Edi: ALI!!!
Keylor: We missed you 😁 How are you doing?
Ali: …
Ali: I’m working on it
Edouard: We’re happy to see you again, Ali, but please know that nobody’s pressuring you to rejoin 🙏 Feel free to take all the time you need
Matt: Yeah, bro ☹️ I can’t imagine going through what you and your teammates are dealing with right now
Ali: Thank you both, but I think I’m ready to try to join again
Deano🦅: If it makes you feel any better, Ali, I live not too far from where Kweev is now, and I’ve been visiting him every now and then
Ali: You don’t know how much that means to me, Dean 🙂 thank you for doing that
Deano🦅: Of course 👍 the goalkeepers’ union looks out for each other!
Yassine: I second that 🫡 (btw the emoji was Darwin’s idea)
Edi: indeed!!!
Keylor: Of course we do!
SweeperKeeper: same, even if it’s Marc-Andre (but only in serious cases)
Yassine: on the SUBJECT of which, spill the Barca tea!
SweeperKeeper: You weren’t even in the last session, how do you know there’s Barcelona tea?!
Robert’sDude: because it’s ALWAYS us 😑
Marc-AndreDaGoat: WELL, it was a valiant and desperate struggle, but I, Marc-Andre, have gotten his rights and his armband back!
Edi: IDIOT, do I have to spell it out to you??? THEY. DON’T. WANT YOU ANYMORE!!!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: says the guy who’s still hanging around Man. City like an old sock
Edi: EXCUSE YOU, I am much hotter than an old sock
Bart: You should move somewhere where you’re wanted, like Brighton 😉
Deano🦅: or Bournemouth, they’re selling so many players they barely have a team anymore 😂
(MIKE, BENTO, ANDRE, AARON, and GOALKEPA have joined the chat.)
GoalKepa: BARCA GOSSIP!!! SIGN ME UPPP!!!!!
Aaron: FREEEEEEEEDOM IS MIIIIIIIINE, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL
Mike: We’re doomed
SweeperKeeper: 👆three kinds of people, everyone
Mike: We got humbled by Chelsea, we drew versus a newly promoted team, and our breakfast bar is out of bagels 😱😱😱😱😱
Marc-AndreDaGoat: sucks to be you 😏😏😏
Mike: shut up and be humble, bench dweller
Marc-AndreDaGoat: wait until one of our keepers gets injured and they HAVE to play me
Robert’sDude: I’m right here, you know 😒
Andre: If it makes you feel better, Mike, we’re even more doomed
Mike: why?
Andre: We’re Manchester United
Andre: That inevitably dooms us
Edi: Thank you for your honesty 😌
Edouard: That is why I didn’t go
Mike: No way, Andre, we’re more doomed than you
Mike: We’re about to sign Rasmus from your team on loan 😫
Andre: 🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩🥳🤩 WAHOOOOOOOOOOO
Andre: You can have him FOREVER.. I will NOT miss him
Bernd: 😆😆😆😆😆
Yassine: Well, I’m doomed. I just hurt my finger
Bernd: Oh no 😥 what happened?
Yassine: Let’s just say I was helping Darwin cook (read: ensuring he didn’t burn anything) and I rammed my hand into a hot pan
Edouard: Oof, that must hurt
Yassine: Darwin’s bringing ice packs, so I’ll be okay 🫰
Ali: That’s our Darwin ☺️ so sweet and kind to others
Yassine: never mind, he just tripped over an icepack and fell into a pile of laundry 😬 he’s okay though
Ali: and that’s our Darwin, too 🙄 I miss him 🥺
Aaron: nobody’s interested in hearing my gossip 🙎so rudeeeee
Keylor: Nobody’s interested in hearing ex-Arsenal players
Edi: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! SPILLLL
Aaron: So I went to Newcastle on loan
Marc-AndreDaGoat: Ah yes, Newcastle 😂😂 the one team that’s messier than Barcelona
SweeperKeeper: so glad it isn’t us 😎
SweeperKeeper: btw, Lucho says hi
Ali: Tell him I say hi back, and I miss him
Bento: whyyyyyy does everybody ignore my bento gossip
Bernd: Because the only reason you’re in this chat is that you’re Brazilian and a goalkeeper
Bento: I could say the same about you 😜
Bernd: EXCUSE YOU. I play for a very relevant team
Edouard: don’t go making me laugh 😆 win a Champion’s League first!
Bento: at least I’m not in Saudi Arabia
Edouard: YES YOU ARE
Bento: Oh, right, I am 😑
Yassine: holaaaaaaaa!!!!! 😃😃😃😃😃
Ali: I didn’t know you were learning Spanish, Yassine
Edi: HE PLAYED IN SPAIN, IDIOTA!!!! OF COURSE HE KNOWS SPANISH!
Andre: Actually, I think that’s Darwin
Ali: Hi Darwin!!!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I miss you so much
Ali: Wait a minute...why are you answering from Yassine’s phone?!
Yassine: Because you already banned me from the GKU 😎, consider this espionage.
Ali: Fede did too good a job teaching you English
Marc-AndreDaGoat: I never thought he’d learn tbh
Yassine: STAY HUMBLE WIG BEARER 😡
Edi: OWWWWWWWWWWW
Armin: LIFE LIHBATEEE AND DA PURSOOT OF APPLINESS
Mama: ignore him
SweeperKeeper: What is this bohemian crap?!
Armin: THAT’S HAMILTON STONE SKIER!!!!!
Marc-AndreDaGoat: look! Another loyal devotee to my cause of despising you, Manu!!!
Mama: look, I'm Giorgi Marmadashvili, and I just came for some socialising with other goalkeepers
Bart: You’re in the right place, then 😄 btw, I love your beard
Mama: Thank you
Bento: OMIGAWWWWWWWD
Mike: 🏳️🌈 gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay gay
Bart: hey, let's not jump to conclusions now
Mike: okay then
Mike: BI BI BI BI BI BI
Mike: PAN PAN PAN PAN PAN
Mike: STRAIGHT STRAIGHT STRAIGHT (if you're a trans woman)
Mama: WHAT
Bento: XDXDXD I LOVE THIS CHATTTTTT
Mama: I feel like something is happening that I don’t understand
Deano🦅: CLEARLYYYYYY
Bart: I didn’t mean that, I was just saying you have a nice beard
Mike: and I was being open-minded and accepting as possible!
Mama: and I appreciate both things, really :) i'm just saying i wanted a peaceful connection with other keepers
Keylor: Let’s switch the topic
Keylor: So the other day, I hosted Taco Thursday with Eugénie and James
Bernd: Wait, Eugénie le Sommer? As in the ex-Lyon striker?
Keylor: yep! She’s in Mexico now! so is James Rodriguez, btw
Marc-AndreDaGoat: I knew that 😏
SweeperKeeper: No, you didn’t
Bento: Taco Thursday 😋 so jealousssss
Mike: This is exactly what I need to combat the fact that we’re about to buy one of the worst strikers in Europe
Mike: Rasmus makes Darwin look like R9
Yassine: I’m still here, you know 😾
Edi: Where’d Yassine go anyway?
Yassine: I’m in the basement 😏 he’ll NEVER FIND ME
Keylor: ANYWAYS, I’ve got the ground beef in the pan and the avocados chopped for guacamole, and then SERGIO FRICKING RAMOS shows up on my doorstep 🙄
SweeperKeeper: I thought you two used to play together and liked each other???
Keylor: We’ve had our differences over the years 😒
Keylor: Anyway, he said he was just there for the tacos and had driven quite a distance to see me, and then my dumb empathy took over, and I let him come in for tacos
Edouard: I don’t think that’s dumb, just nice
Ali: Yeah, even if I don’t like Sergio because he hurt Mo 😠
Keylor: It’s Sergio Ramos 🙄
Keylor: This guy is on every wanted list on the red side of Madrid
Keylor: things WOULD’VE gone well if Eugénie and Sergio hadn’t kept fighting
Keylor: At one point, they squared up for a fight, and James was just watching and eating tacos like a little imp
Keylor: They WEAPONISED MY GARDEN GNOMES, and Sergio took off his shirt, and eventually Eugénie flipped him off and drove away in her Jeep
Keylor: and then SERGIO
Yassine: NOOOOOOOO
Yassine: I HAVE BEEN LOCATED
Yassine: tIL WE MEET AGA
Mike: 🤦 “he’ll NEVER FIND ME”
Marc-AndreDaGoat: serves him right for hijacking our sacred space
DavidR: The things that go on in here are anything but sacred
Yassine: Finally, I’m back, guys 🙄 I went to put some laundry in the wash, and next thing you know, my phone’s missing and so is Darwin
Ali: That’s our chaos king 😂
Ali: Take care of him, please
Yassine: I will, promise 🤝