Chapter Text
This next game was going to be the last so all three of them were trying to find the best game.
The Soul was trying to find a good game on the game shelf, that previously wasn’t ever touched until now, and discovered a game called cards against humanity. Now The Soul had never heard of the game before so he opened the little box.
He picked a random white card for fun and read it.
It said: “Blowjobs for everyone”.
The Soul grinned.
“Hey guys, wanna play Cards Against Humanity?” He said turning around to face the two that were also searching for a game.
The Heart looked interested but asked: “What’s the game about?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know, but I think I saw a rules list.”
“Well I’m down,” The Moon immediately agreed.
“I suppose I am too,” The Sun agreed as well.
The three of them sat in the middle of the room on the floor again. The Soul opened the box. Inside was a large row of white cards and in the same row but clumped at the end were black cards. The rules list sat on top of the cards.
The Mind took the list and began reading the Basic Rules. “To start, each player draws 10 white cards.”
Each of them drew their respective cards. The Mind and The Soul had their cards face down on the floor while The Heart immediately began reading through them.
The Heart let out a surprised cough of laughter at the first card he read that said “50,000 volts straight to the nipples”.
“What’s so funny?” The Mind asked.
“Don’t worry about it!” The Heart waved him off while still snickering slightly. The Soul hid a smile as he had seen what the cards could say, so he had a vague idea of what the emotional side saw.
The Mind stared at the other for a moment, then sighed and continued reading, growing increasingly concerned as he did so. “The player who most recently pooped begins as the Card Czar and draws a black card. If Hugh Jackman is playing, he goes first, regardless of how recently he pooped.”
The Soul bit his lip and covered his mouth to hide his amusement. The Heart had no qualms about doing so and bursted out laughing again.
“Hey, Hugh Jackman starts with an H and so does Heart. Heart should start as the Card Czar,” The Soul suggested.
The Mind sighed. “That does not make any logical sense, but I am starting to believe that this game will not either. So I suppose yes.”
“I’ll be honorary Hugh Jackman for this game,” The Heart, or Hugh Jackman declared. The Soul patted him on his back with a proud, slow nod. The Mind looked like he regretted agreeing to even be here at all.
“The Card Czar reads the question or fill-in-the-phrase on the black card out loud. Everyone else answers the question or fills in the blank by passing one white card, face down, to the Card Czar,” The Mind reads.
Sounds easy enough. The Mind took the black cards and laid them in a stack on the floor.
He continued. “The Card Czar shuffles all of the answers and shares each card combination with the group. For full effect, the Card Czar should Re-Read the black card before presenting each answer. The Card Czar then picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one Awesome Point.”
The Heart was especially listening during this part as he was the Card Czar.
“Wait guys, I’m gonna be back.” The Host states and walks away somewhere (definitely not to The Heart’s room). He comes back with a piece of paper and pencil. “Here so we can track all the points.”
The Heart immediately snatches the paper so he can write his name first, then so does The Soul and lastly The Mind.
And then finally: “After the round, a new player becomes the Card Czar, and everyone draws up to 10 cards.”
“Sounds fun, can we start now?” The Soul asked.
The Mind shook his head. “No, there is still one more section.” He reads out again: “Some cards say PICK 2 on the bottom. To answer these, each player plays two white cards in combination. Play them in order that the Card Czar should read them–play the first card face down, and then play the second card face down on top of it.”
“Now can we start?” The Soul asked.
“Yes,” he lied and threw away the rules list. Truthfully there was a whole House Rules section, but after UNO he doesn’t particularly like house rules anymore.
The Heart picked up a black card. “Okay I’ll read the first card.” He coughed as if he was announcing something. “Don’t Forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will become “______ Friday.” Fill in the blank.”
The Mind only now seeing what the cards involve, looked disturbed. Yet still he picked out a card and handed it to The Heart face down. The Soul did the same.
The Heart took out the cards and read them. “Don’t Forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will become “Child labor Friday.” Okay wow.” He felt just slightly bad for snickering. “Don’t Forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will become “Incest Friday.” What are you two picking?”
Neither of them looked ashamed.
“Okay whatever. I pick whoever gave me the Child labor card,” he announced.
Surprisingly it was The Mind who gave himself a tally.
“Damn didn’t know you had it in you, Mind.” The Heart teased.
The Mind glared at him but otherwise didn’t respond. Instead he asked: “Since I got a point, I should become the Card Czar.”
No objections so he took a black card.
“What ended my last relationship?”
The Heart immediately set down a card as if he was waiting for something like that. The Soul took a bit more time to give his card.
The Mind began reading the cards out loud. “What ended my last relationship? An Oedipus Complex… Well that would certainly end a relationship.” He agreed unfortunately. “What ended my last relationship? Daddy issues. Why is this round filled with parental issues?”
It was a rhetorical question he did not want answered.
“I have chosen Oedipus Complex.”
The Heart looked way too proud to give himself a tally.
“Hey, what is the Oedipus Complex?” The Soul asked.
The Mind looked as if he regretted even being alive as he answered. “The Oedipus Complex is a theory suggested by Sigmund Freud about the unconscious desire in toddler boys for their mother and rivalry with their fathers because of it. The equivalent in girls is the Electra Complex.”
The Soul blinked. “Oh.” Then his expression contorted to something more disgusted. “Ew.”
“Exactly.”
The Heart picked up a black card as it was his turn again to be Card Czar. “Oh no! Siri, how do I fix ______? Fill in the blank.”
The Mind put down a card first and he looked weirdly amused by it. The Soul placed down soon after.
The Heart read the first card. “Oh no! Siri, how do I fix emotions? Oh fuck off Mind, I know you picked this.” The Heart flipped him off and he shrugged. “Anyways. Oh no! Siri, how do I fix ejaculating at the apex of a cartwheel? Pfft.”
He snorted. “Ejaculating at the apex of a cartwheel wins 100%.”
“Thank you very much.” The Soul gives himself a point and picks out a black card.
“I never truly understood ______ until I found ______. Pick two cards.”
This took more time as they had to pick two cards instead of one. The Heart gave him his two cards first and so did The Mind afterwards.
The Soul read the cards with the one below first and the one on top second. “I never truly understood casually suggesting a threesome until I found a cock-hungry cumslut–what the fuck.” The Host couldn’t stop himself from laughing.
It took him about two minutes to calm down and read the next set of cards. “I never truly understood getting an abortion until I found child support payments. Well that’s the truth. Them children are expensive.” He nodded.
“I still think casually suggesting a threesome and a cock-hungry cumslut was funnier.”
The Heart gave himself a tally.
The Mind looked between The Heart and The Soul. “You two need serious help.”
“Hey! Weren’t you the one to suggest Child labor Friday?” The Moon defended himself.
The Sun shrugged. “Still better than whatever you two are picking.”
Okay true but whatever. The Heart read out the next black card.
“What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?”
The Soul put down a card rather quickly and then so did The Mind.
The Heart read: “What brought the orgy to a grinding halt? Invading Poland. Well then it turns into a different kind of party.”
The Mind rolled his eyes. “You’re not amusing Heart.”
“Fuck you, I am funny.” Then he read out the next card. “What brought the orgy to a grinding halt? Inserting a Mason jar into my anus. That’s certainly a medical emergency, damn.”
The Heart looked at both options. “Inserting a Mason jar into my anus.”
The Mind put down a tally. “Actually can I pick invading Poland instead?” The Heart asked.
“No, you cannot.” The Mind picks out a black card and reads:
“Daddy, why is mommy crying?”
This time both The Heart and The Soul placed down their cards right at the same time.
The Mind took one card and read out: “Daddy, why is mommy crying? The screams…the terrible screams. Sounds familiar.” The Heart flipped him off again and he snorted for the first time since they played this game.
“Daddy, why is mommy crying? Going down on a woman, discovering that her vagina is filled with eyeballs, and being totally into that–Heart, get out.”
The Heart raised his hands in exasperation. “How did you even know it was me?”
“I just do. Now go.”
The Heart stuck out his tongue, rolled his eyes but indeed left as told.
The Soul looked between The Mind and where The Heart sat before. Then he slowly stood up. “I’m going to my room. Mind, you can clean the game up, right? Okay, cool.”
He promptly left before the logical side could respond.
The Soul went into his room and sat down onto his bed.
Well, at least there were no injuries this time?