Chapter Text
He wandered for hours in the dark, aimless. It was late enough that no one was on the sidewalks, even cars were mostly absent from the street. New York may be the city that never slept, but occasionally took a nap.
He didn’t even realize he ended up near Magnus’ loft until he turned the corner and saw the inviting glow on the top floor. His hand drifted to his parabatai rune, taking solace in his connection with Alec. He needed to check in on his brother, and more than that he wanted to check in on Magnus. As much as he wished he was dead right now, Magnus had made a great sacrifice and he couldn’t forget that.
But he also needed to inform them both about Clary’s demise.
Magnus’ face was lined with worry when he opened the door. He startled seeing Jace standing on his doorstep. “Jace I thought you’d be with…”
Jace interrupted him, “Are you okay? Were you injured?”
Magnus shook his head, he looked even more deeply confused. “I’m… I’m alive Jace. Alexander has been asking for you.”
Magnus opened the door wider trying to welcome Jace into his apartment and he nearly walked away, wanting to avoid this conversation. He knew that this was going to be hard and Jace almost disappeared back into the anonymity of the city. A few lights were on in the apartment but Jace couldn’t see the usual rich colors it was decorated with. It was like someone had done laundry wrong and washed most of the color out of everything around him. At least on the dark streets of New York it was harder to notice.
Jace peeled his jacket off, trying to ignore the patches of sticky, still drying blood on it, before letting Magnus lead him to their bedroom. Alec seemed to be asleep, sitting upright with what looked like every pillow in Magnus’ apartment behind him. He felt his mouth quirk a little in a smile, Alec was alive. He didn’t feel true relief or happiness at his parabatai being alive. Just a flicker of gratitude and a weighty sense of duty. A stack of fire messages were beside him. Alec must have been writing orders to the Institute for the past couple of hours. His parabatai was alive and apparently still doing paperwork. Even grievously injured he was still working.
Jace sat on the edge of the bed, hoping he wasn’t disturbing his rest. Magnus took up his previous spot, the chair that usually lived in the corner now dragged closer to the bed.
Alec looked terrible, pale skin with dark circles under his eyes, his hair was half limp and half stuck up in odd tufts. His breathing was shallow and he was favoring one side of his chest. Jace remembered the feel of Alec’s rib breaking under his fist. The memory passed through him like an electric shock and nearly made him hurl. His wrist was in a splint, and the memory of Alec’s scream reverberated painfully in his head.
Jace pushed all of that down as he reached for the stele that was sitting on the nightstand. He knew that runes activated by a parabatai would be more potent than anyone else. Without a second thought he focused and activated the healing rune, watching Alec’s face go a little slack with the removal of any pain.
After a few more activations Alec woke up. His eyes blinked, the joy on his brother's face at seeing him was quickly extinguished seeing his expression.
“Jace, what happened? Where’s Izzy?” Alec struggled to sit up trying to get closer to him. Jace eased him back, trying to get him to relax.
“She’s fine, she was with mom last I knew.” His words didn’t seem to relax Alec.
The longer he was quiet the more agitated Alec seemed to become. He struggled to find the words, how do you tell someone news like this? He glanced at Magnus remembering that the warlock had known Clary for almost all her life.
“I’m sorry, I have to inform you both that Clary didn’t make it.”
How many times tonight would he have to say some combination of these words? When would he start to believe it. Even saying those words to his parabatai, his brother, didn’t make it feel real. It was Magnus who caused that to happen. He whispered “Biscuit?” in a soft sad voice and that was the thing that broke Jace’s heart. Alec rested his hand on Jace’s arm, at a loss for what to say. For a while none of them talked.
Jace sat trying to believe it. Trying to believe that Clary was dead and he would never see her again. That feeling from earlier came back, as selfish as it was, he wished for a body. He thought he might be able to grieve if he had that. One last chance to see her, to hold her hand.
Even as despair settled into his bones there was a thin thread of hope, she’d defied the odds before. Thrown into his world because of her mother’s disappearance, she killed Valentine to avenge her father murdering him, although she was new to being a Shadowhunter she had already proved herself a survivor. In the short time he knew her there were a thousand moments where she could have failed and she always endured. How could he not hope she did again.
Eventually Alec drifted off to sleep, exhaustion and his injuries still taking a toll on his body. Jace closed his eyes taking a moment of solace in Alec being alive despite his efforts. It wasn’t long before his memories of Alec also featured Clary. That chasm opened in his chest again, as grief welled in him and pushed through his ribs painfully. In his sleep Alec groaned a little and his eyebrows knit together, Jace realized that their proximity and Alec’s injuries were letting Jace’s pain seep through.
He tried to calm himself down but instead what he felt was an anger that burned through his veins. Anger at himself, anger at how Lilith had used him. He remembered everything. All of his time as the Owl, the dangerous prisoners he set free, the mundanes he had hurt. Watching his own hands murder his grandmother, dropping Clary off the roof of the building. His stomach churned.
He stood suddenly, striding out of the room wanting to flee, but stopped in the middle of the living room, at a loss what he should do next. The weight of his sins settling across his shoulders and indecision and grief causing his step to falter.
Magnus approached him. “Jace, you should rest.”
He shook his head, “I can’t Magnus. When I close my eyes, for too long I see her. Her body. In my room, or lying on the roof of that car, broken.” His throat choked his words, barely able to speak. At least in Lilith’s nightmare he could see her. He could hold her. He eyed the door to the apartment wondering if he would have the strength to make it back to the Institute. “I did that, I did all of that.”
Magnus’ voice was nothing but pure empathy, “You know that’s not true Jace.”
His head twitched, trying to dodge the words. “It’s true enough.”
Magnus stepped in front of him. “I have a sleeping draught you can take. No nightmares, and Alexander and I will be right here.”
He went to pick up his jacket from the back of the armchair and he couldn’t make eye contact with Magnus. He didn’t respond to his offer. “I don’t know how you can look at me.”
“I look at you like someone who loves and tries to protect Alexander at all cost, that hasn’t changed.” Magnus gripped his shoulder, trying to reassure him of his words.
Jace nodded hearing him but couldn’t accept his words. His voice was thick with emotion when he turned to Magnus, “Thank you, and thank you for taking care of him.” His chin jerked towards their bedroom.
Magnus looked like he was going to say something more but swallowed his words. Jace turned on his heel and left, disappearing from Magnus’ apartment quickly. The only thing he had left was work, to fix the mistakes he had made, his duty to being a Shadowhunter. A new hope whispered to him, the promise of relief if he died in battle. If he died in a fight then he wouldn’t have been giving up, it wouldn’t be a sin. It would make his life worth something.
Jace knew that the city was glowing with the first rays of sun. Hitting the glass windows and causing the streets to glitter, but he didn’t see it. He would only ever be in the never ending night of a life without Clary beside him.