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SPOOKY HAL:
It's time to send the little ones to dreamland, and set your radio's dial to spooky. Bolt the doors, lock your windows, and steel yourself for mysterious suspense in this evening's final feature ... Beyond Belief.
Meet Frank and Sadie Doyle, the toast of the upper crust, headliners on the society pages. And oh yes, they see ghosts.
FRANK:
Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
SADIE:
Unless evil's carrying the martini tray, darling.
[CLINK]
SPOOKY HAL:
Join the Doyles as they walk Beyond Belief in tonight's dark episode, "Home Imp-vasion"
Our story begins high above Park Avenue, in the penthouse of the famed Plaza Hotel, where Frank and Sadie Doyle battle a most frustrating foe.
[A BIT OF "HERE'S TO US" PLAYS SOFTLY, BOTTLES CLINK, A DOG BARKS INTERMITTENTLY THROUGHOUT]
SADIE:
Je deteste spring cleaning.
FRANK:
If it helps, "looking for a lost bottle of vermouth" hardly counts as cleaning.
Also, it's winter.
SADIE:
Winter!
FRANK:
There's a chill in the air, we've got a fire going, and outside Jack Frost's doing wholly inappropriate things to people's noses.
SADIE:
How wonderful!
FRANK:
So long as he keeps away from yours, Sadie love. Only I am allowed nose-nipping privileges, as per our vows.
SADIE:
No, Frank, if it's winter, we don't need the vermouth at all. Hot toddies for everyone who is us!
FRANK:
I'll get the whisky, and see what the dog wants.
SADIE:
Lovely.
Nice try, Booze Miser, but it's 'crisis averted' by Frank and Sadie once more!
FRANK:
Oh, Sadie?
SADIE:
Yes?
FRANK:
Four things. First, I found the whisky.
SADIE:
Hooray!
FRANK:
Secondly, it has been replaced with water.
SADIE:
Boo. You're sure it's not vodka?
FRANK:
Well, I thought it might be, and I drank half the bottle to be certain, but wouldn't you know it - plain water.
I brought you a glass to confirm.
SADIE:
Glug.
How awful.
FRANK:
Isn't it just! Maybe if we let it breathe.
SADIE:
Go, dear liquid. Ferment. Ferment!
FRANK:
Thirdly, I fed the dog, so he should stop all the racket.
Fourth, and finally, it occurs to me ... we do not have a dog.
SADIE:
Don't we? It seems entirely of our characters to have a sweet little dog to accompany us on our adventures.
FRANK:
I thought so, too, but as it turns out: nope!
SADIE:
I'm afraid I don't understand, Frank. If we don't have a dog, then what, exactly, did you feed?
FRANK:
A shape? I would call it a shape. Smallish, that kind that disappears as soon as you turn to look at it?
SADIE:
Tsk. Supernatural vermin. The worst!
FRANK:
Is there an entity that performs mostly liquor-based mischief?
SADIE:
Pointed look.
FRANK:
Fair enough.
SADIE:
Idea. Frank. Sign off on this summary of this evening's events for me, would you? We wanted vermouth, and the vermouth went poof.
FRANK:
Correct!
SADIE:
And then we discovered that the whisky we wanted had been turned to water.
FRANK:
Accurate, I saw the whole thing.
SADIE:
So. That terrible bottle of low-proof flowery liqueur that Donna gave us a handful of Christmases ago - what if I said I wanted it now, and that I'm fervently hoping it has not in any way turned into a high-proof spirit of the clear or amber variety?
FRANK:
I do not follow.
SADIE:
Do you know the bottle about which I'm talking?
FRANK:
I do.
SADIE:
Be a lamb and get it for me.
FRANK:
Consider it done! Because here it is.
SADIE:
Thank you.
Now Sadie will just pour a sample of perfume-juice, and ...
Glug.
Oh, Frank you'll never guess. We've been struck again, this liqueur has been turned into straight rye.
FRANK:
That! Is! Terrible?
SADIE:
Wink.
FRANK:
Oh! That IS terrible! Give me the bottle, I'll pour us both a glass and together, we'll condemn the contents to our livers!
SADIE:
May it never darken our drinks cart again!
FRANK:
The fact that you're an evil genius doesn't even break the top ten list of things I love about you, Sadie, but my, it does come in handy.
SADIE:
Indeed.
[CLINK]
SADIE [CONT'D]:
Ohhhhh, I see it. It's here, it's here right now, I've got it just in the corner of my eye.
FRANK:
Where?
SADIE:
Don't look. It's right in front of me. Roughly somewhere below this glass.
FRANK:
How rough?
SADIE:
You don't usually have to ask.
FRANK:
What do you say we chalk it up to the mystery monster wreaking havoc in our home and save our recalibrations on that for later.
SADIE:
I suppose that'd be alright.
FRANK:
Attention unwelcome creature! The jig is up. We have noted your antics and now note your presence. Do make yourself visible so we can get a look at you and talk this out - slash - banish you from our liquor cabinets.
SADIE:
And if you're not actually a cute little dog-monster, possibly the rest of our home as well.
[A SOMEWHAT SQUISHY "POP"]
SADIE [CONT'D]:
So that's a 'go' on complete banishment, then.
IMP:
[SUPER BRITISH. LIKE ... SUPER BRITISH.]
Ah, you must be the lady of the house. And you - mustache, ascot -
SADIE:
He has all sorts of other notable features as well.
FRANK:
Kind of you.
SADIE:
Of course.
FRANK:
Also, I'm not sure you want to go with 'appearance-based shorthand,' mister short, puce, and unbelievably wart-covered. If I can call you "Mister."
IMP:
Call me whatever you'd like. The imp have ... no names.
It's lovely to meet you.
SADIE:
"Meet" us? Why, you've been shenaniganning our home for days!
IMP:
As long as I kept you humans in my peripheral vision, that's where I'd stay for you.
Undiscovered, I was safe in your home, and free to share all my delightful pranks.
FRANK:
Let the record show I recall zero delightful pranks.
SADIE:
You made us think we had a dog. A tiny little creature to care for.
IMP:
To explain my darting in and out of your fields of vision! I couldn't have you thinking you had mice - fumigation's no fun - so I made up a dog for you to feel warmly towards.
SADIE:
Well, I loved that imaginary dog.
IMP:
That one set out a plate of crushed ice for it.
FRANK:
I don't know what dogs eat!
You've just confirmed I have no reason to!
SADIE:
More importantly, you interfered with all our liquor!
IMP:
Yes, and you outsmarted me there. Kudos to you.
My desire to sober you up was no match for your desire to never ever visit that particular state.
But to get you to keep you here, spending time together, I hid your winter coats, and I knotted all of your belts together!
[BEAT]
SADIE:
...did you?
FRANK:
Joke's on you, pal. We haven't been outside for weeks. On purpose.
SADIE:
And I just thought Frank was making me an anniversary surprise.
IMP:
Out of belts?
SADIE:
Oh, I was prepared to be very surprised.
FRANK:
Well, we've found you out, so ... we're done, here, right?
IMP:
That is, technically, how that works.
FRANK:
Then, technically, we'll see you out!
IMP:
None of my pranks delighted you? Not one?
SADIE:
We're not really ... prank people, you must understand. It's not you, dear, it's-
FRANK:
No, it's you.
SADIE:
Now, Frank. One typically does not want to get on the wrong side of an imp.
FRANK:
That guy has a right side?
IMP:
No, no, it's alright. I don't go for the vengeful imp thing. That's my father's style, not mine. I left our impcestral homeland and struck out on my own because .... I just want to bring a little happiness into my hosts' lives.
Clearly ... I have failed.
SADIE:
The truth is, we already spend all of our time together. Just me and Frank and our friends the bottles. And we're all so very happy in our hundredsome. Your ... high jinks would work wonderfully, I'm sure, on a couple less content than we.
FRANK:
So basically any couple.
IMP:
I chose very poorly.
FRANK:
You sure did! Well, better luck next time.
SADIE:
You'll find a family that will be absolutely bewildered by your tomfoolery, I'm sure of it.
[DOOR OPENING NOISE]
FRANK:
Not sure how you got in, but I've just the way for you to head out.
IMP:
Alright. Yes. I'll try again. Thank you both.
SADIE:
Hold it! Just one minute.
IMP:
I knew you'd want to keep me around! What shall it be, hm? I can permanently fog your bathroom mirror! Or, oh! I can turn all your glassware to jelly!
FRANK:
You really do not get us.
SADIE:
Oh, no, you're leaving immediately, but first - you're going to put all our liquor back where it belongs, including putting all the boozes back in their rightful bottles.
IMP:
Right. Naturally.
[SWOOSHY NOISE]
It is done.
SADIE:
Frank.
FRANK:
On it!
[BOOZE POURING NOISE]
Glug.
It's liquor!
IMP:
And the coats and belts? Shall I-
SADIE:
No thank you we're fine! Goodbye!
[DOOR SLAMMING NOISE]
FRANK:
Sadie love, I'm afraid I don't have an anniversary surprise for you.
Nor am I entirely sure when our anniversary is.
SADIE:
Neither do I, darling! Let's just celebrate now. Do pour me a drink.
FRANK:
Of course. That'll hardly be a surprise, though.
[BOOZE POURING NOISE]
SADIE:
No, but what it is is a good start.
[CLINK]
[MUSIC]
SPOOKY HAL:
It seems everything's back in its place at Frank and Sadie's, after some quick-thinking imp-rovisation.
Join the Doyles next time, when they once again walk beyond belief in a frightful episode titled: "The Hunger Graves."