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They say, "Love yourself before you love someone." But they never tell you what to do when you've fallen in love with yourself. Well, technically, not yourself. But when you've mind-melded with someone else for so many years, they are a part of you, a huge part.
They say it's wrong to love your brother that way. But they don't know what it's like to be fused into someone else. Of course the line blurs. That much they know. But they don't get it.
And how would they know what it's like to have a half of you ripped away? It's not just losing someone you love more than yourself. It's losing someone you love and losing yourself at the same time. Devastating is an understatement. It's a surprise to himself sometimes that he hasn't committed suicide. Maybe it's the thought that he can't die yet. Yancy died. So if he dies, too, there will be no part of Yancy left in the world. He's no Yancy. But for now, at least there's some part of Yancy left in his mind. Just like Stacker said, you can always find them in the drift.
Beep, beep, beep------
Raleigh twitches.
"Raleigh, you would want to wake up for this. Raleigh, wake up. It's an emergency." It's Tendo's voice.
"What the hell is it?" He knows it's not a kaiju. They've just blown those monsters out for good. And while Tendo does sound nervous, it's not that kind of nervous. He buries his face in the pillow. "This better be good or I'm going to strangle you."
"By the time you get here, I'm long gone, man." Tendo laughs but it fades a little the next second. "Raleigh, we found Yancy."
He sits up in a blink. "Yancy? My brother Yancy? Are you messing with me, Tendo? He died. I felt it."
"Of course I'm not messing with you. He's been in a coma for five years. He has minimal brain activity and that's probably why you couldn't feel anything." Tendo patiently responds.
Raleigh feels enraged, confused and relived.
"You still there?" Tendo checks.
"Yeah. Where is he?" Raleigh snaps out of his thoughts. "How is it that we only found him now?"
"They probably didn't know how to contact us? He's in a medical center on the Kodiak Island. They were about to pull his plug but saw your story on the news and...anyway, get up and we'll put you on a jet. A chopper will pick you up in ten. You might want to pack." Tendo said.
"Are we taking him here to Hong Kong?" Raleigh asks.
"I don't think he's cleared for discharge, let alone flying across the Pacific." Tendo answers. " Have you thought about going back to Anchorage?"
"Not really. We sold everything. Jazmine is still in Africa or Antarctica. I'm not sure." Raleigh goes into the bathroom as he speaks. "I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks, man."
"Of course. Talk to you later."
Raleigh looks down. Crisp Alaskan sunlight leaves Yancy's face half lit. His features looks too clean cut.
God, how much weight has he lost?
He reaches out but halts before touching his brother's face.
This is surreal. This is too much.
He draws back his hand, starts to pay attention to the doctor.
"We couldn't find anyone to contact. And five-year is the maximum amount of time we could have an un-name coma patient stay. It's really lucky that we found out about you, Mr. Becket." Dr. Wilson explains.
"Is he...will he ever wake up?" Raleigh struggles to keep his tone even.
"We can't be sure. He was badly injured when he was rushed in here. He's had a series of surgeries, including a few brain surgeries. He hasn't woken up since. We'll have to wait and see." Dr. Wilson replies. "And we don't think he's fit for travel."
"I see." Raleigh squeezes out.
"I'll leave you with him now. The visiting hour isn't over for another 3 hours." Dr. Wilson walks out of the room.
Raleigh looks down again.
I'm never gonna leave you again, Yance.
He finds a place to stay.
Everyday, he sits with Yancy until the nurses drag him out.
He calls Tendo and Mako.
They visits, separately.
They keep this to themselves. As far as the world knows, Yancy is still dead.
Tendo talks about all kinds of things when he sits with them, fast and loud.
Mako smiles with concerns on her face. She asks if he's been treating himself well. He laughs and nods.
She picks up his hands and squeezes.
He tries to smile back. Though from the look on her face, he's not as successful as he thinks.
Weeks pass. Doctors say Yancy is actually getting better.
He'd like to think it's because he's here with Yance.
He waits.
It is so cliche, he is going to laugh about it for years.
Another chilly afternoon, he's holding Yancy's hand, murmuring about nothing. Yancy's hand twitches and his eyes flickers.
Raleigh freezes, unaware that he's gripping too hard.
"Ow, man. You're hurting me." Yancy's voice is hoarse.
Tears drip down.
Yancy struggles to hold up his hand, wanting to wipe away his baby brother's tears. But Raleigh is not loosening his grip.
"Hey, you." Yancy's mouth quirks up. "Let go of my hand, kiddo."
Raleigh loosens his grip and swallows down a sob, "What took you so long, old man?"
"How long has it been?" Yancy frowns.
"Over five years." He replies and holds up a glass of water with a straw for Yancy.
"Huh. Well, I was waiting for you to grow the fuck up." Yancy sips and smiles. "Too soon?"
"I fucking hate you." Raleigh lowers his head until his forehead touches the bed.
"No. You fucking love me." Yancy grins. "Or, you love fucking me, I can't tell which one. God, I'm hungry."
"We'll call the nurses." Raleigh tries to maintain a straight face. He sits up and presses the button.
"Hey." Yancy's grin softens. "Sorry that you had to wait so long. I love you, too, kiddo."
It is impossible to hold any tears after that.
Later that night, the nurses look the other way when they see Raleigh is still in there with Yancy after visiting hours.
When Raleigh climbs onto Yancy's bed, one of the nurses was going to say something. But the others hold her off.
Raleigh settles into Yancy's arms, fitting his head on his brother's shoulder. His arms wraps around Yancy's middle, carefully avoiding the wires connecting to him.
"You're such a big baby." Yancy chuckles, caressing Raleigh's hair like he's a gigantic puppy.
Raleigh pouts. "I'm not a kid anymore."
"Yeah, right." Yancy laughs. "So grown up and shit."
"Fuck you, Yance."
"You will always be my little baby brother." Yancy holds him a little bit tighter.
Raleigh pretty much melts with that statement. His hand travels from Yancy's back to the front, lingering above his waistband. It's too flat, he thought, too flat to be Yancy's belly. The thought drives his eyes watering.
"Hey, hey now." Yancy soothes him.
"You lost so much weight." Raleigh chokes.
"Come on, there's still plenty of fat stored." He pinches his own belly. "See?"
Raleigh pokes.
"Not that hard, you jackass." Yancy flinches.
Raleigh smiles at his brother triumphantly. "You deserve it, old man."
Yancy rolls his eyes. "Fine. Stop calling me old man and I'll let you poke all the pokes you want."
"Stop calling me kid and stop talking to me like I'm a three-year-old. Then I will stop calling you old man, old man." Raleigh retorts.
"Fine! What should I call you then? Kiddo? Puppy? Raleigh? Rals? Ray? No? Oh, what about 'babe'?" Yancy smirks.
Raleigh blushes uncontrollably, burying his face into Yancy's neck.
"Hey, babe." Yancy's grin is practically up to his ears at this point. His words vibrates around Raleigh's face.
"No!" Raleigh tries.
"Babe it is then." Yancy kisses the top of his baby brother's head. "Otsukare, otouto chan."
Raleigh looks up, "Otsukare, nii chan."
When they don't know how to express their feelings in English, they use other languages.
In this case, they choose Japanese.
Thank you for what you had to go through, baby brother.
Thank you for what you've been through, big brother.