Work Text:
'There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.' — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"I want you to."
That's when it hits Dick, and he realizes that Jason wants this, he wants them to permanently stop him, he wants them to kill him, because he wasn't supposed to be alive. Jason was supposed to be dead. And it dawns on Dick that, that's what Jason had been wanting all this time, to die, but by his own hand, his own undoing, he'd wanted to push them to this point.
And-oh.
Jason wants to die.
It echoes, like a reminder and a warning altogether, as it tugs and tugs on Dick's heart as if Jason himself had wedged a knife in there. It reminds him of when he heard about Jason's death all over again, and it kills him, because even though he and Jason have had their rough times, he'd loved the boy like a younger brother.
Jason was proof that one could survive Crime Alley, being surrounded in Gotham's darkness all his life, and still be so good. Jason was not like them; the boy was born into the darkness of Gotham and he didn’t let it consume him, shining brightly despite of it all, but that, had been before Jason came back from the dead, filled with so much hatred and rage.
And yet, the good lingered in Jason. One could see it in the way he protected women and children so vehemently, and was so gentle with them. Most of Gotham and Crime Alley loved the Red Hood, the other half other hated or feared him. Dick supposed that was true of all vigilantes to an extent, but they knew he was theirs, one of their own, and they were fiercely loyal to him, they could barely gather information on him before informants clammed up or leads became wary of them and stopped talking altogether.
It was painful to remember this, because it reminded Dick of the 14-year-old boy, who’d basically pleaded as he dragged him out of the manor, so they could patrol together -this had been after Dick got ever his jealousy and anger issues with Bruce and they’d settled into a minor truce over Jason. They’d returned with slight bruises, yet Dick can’t ever forget how wide and crooked Jason’s grin had been, nor does he dare forget how he’d cradled a blonde prostitute so gently, after brutally beating up her assailants. Dick doesn’t forget how much fun he’d had bantering with Jason either, finding himself outright laughing or smiling at Jason’s sharp wisecracks and understanding why Batman smiled more and even laughed. They’d even managed to convince Alfred to let them watch a movie that night, since Jason had the day off tomorrow, another random holiday. They’d ended up falling asleep an hour into Ironman. Dick remembers watching Jason try not to laugh as Tony both annoyed and amused him. They ended up rewatching it again that year when Jason came by to Bludhaven as Batman was on another Justice League mission and Jason despite never admitting it, had missed him and vaguely implied it. They finished the movie but after Jason died, Dick has never touched a Marvel movie ever again.
He’s pulled back into the moment when he hears Jason pant out loud. Dick finds himself noticing Jason’s once so-vibrant teal eyes, just as the pain and self-loathing flickered away so suddenly, as they darkened with rage and Dick realizes, for the first time, that it’s not directed at him, but at Jason himself, for exposing that bit of emotion to Dick. His next punch has more force, but Dick manages to block it effectively, though it had slightly hurt, and wonders why Jason was suddenly using his left arm for punching Dick, Jason was right-handed, and even though he could use both hands in combat quite efficiently, Jason had a tendency to start his punches with his right hand, before switching to the left.
And then, he notices Jason’s lack of use of his right arm, and how he’s leaning his body on his right leg, more than his left. And Dick can feel the smell of blood, sweat, and leather hit him hard all at once, as Jason turns to try and jab his elbow at Dick, the movement more shaky than sharp, and Dick's not used to this Jason, and he can't fight him, can't understand why he'd want to continue this, when it was obvious that Jason was injured.
But it was Jason, and Jason never started fights he wasn’t prepared to finish; Dick didn't even need to question why.
Jason probably hated this life, because it wasn't the life that was ripped away from him, it was a life forcefully handed to him. It makes Dick question if Jason had died in other universes and come back, and it scares him to consider that maybe, this is the only one where Jason did.
And Jason had wanted otherwise.
And Dick recalls Jason's words, about two weeks back in a dark alley in Bludhaven. He remembers the bitter-yet-regretful tone Jason had, as the rain hammered down heavily that night, "People like me aren't meant for good Dick. We're the taint and filth that Gotham sprouts out. We're meant for nothing, but death and misery". Before he continued with an insult and another jab at Bruce & Damian, making Dick attack in retaliation, as Jason aimed for a swift kick from below.
He hadn't wanted to start fighting Jason then, confused at the younger boy's words, but angry at the accident that Jason had caused earlier, by sending 5 thugs to the hospital, and leaving the 7th in a comatose state, the 6th dead from internal bleeding. He wasn't sure if Jason meant for the man to die, but he'd been angry, because Jason was on his territory then, and he didn't like outsiders who invited themselves over, and caused damage in his city.
Dick wonders, if Jason wants Dick to hurt him to a point of no return, to where Jason can die alone of his injuries and no one would find out. He hopes this is simple a bad night and not whatever worst-case scenario his mind keeps trying to conjure up. It makes him feel sick and like there’s something heavy sitting in his gut.
It scares him, this side of Jason, that is so desperate for death.