Chapter Text
He doesn’t know how much time has passed but he does know that there is not much left in his quarters that he hasn’t destroyed. He collapses to the floor and attempts to catch his breath— his throat was raw from screaming and his eyes burned from tears. He feels weak. He feels out of control. In a matter of moments he had destroyed his former master. Killed Snoke and felt the weight lifted from his oppressive power— but in that same moment he lost her. He thinks about her hand outstretched to his, The look in her eyes and the hope she shows him. Her belief that he will join her — that she will return the son of Han and Leia back home. She sensed his hesitation— in fact she probably knew what he would do before he did it. The disappointment that radiated off of her when he refused— he slipped out of the memory when he felt his hand smash into the floor beside him. The pain felt real. He held onto that.
If anyone on board heard the destruction they kept their distance because no one had disturbed him. He slammed his head against the wall behind him— the pain was all he could focus on. He let out a silent sob before reaching out to her.
...”Rey” , he felt for her. Felt for the tug that was somehow connected to that place right between his ribs. Though the connection was new it felt like it had been there his whole life. This connection Snoke claimed to have created had lingered long after his death.
“Please, please Rey”, he whispered this— hoping that if he said the name out loud it might evoke something tangible, that it might bring her to him. The only thing it did was burn. His voice was hoarse and saying her name felt like drinking fire. Another punishment he thought. Of course her name would not bring him any solace. She was gone. Closed off from him. He was alone. For the first time in a long time he was truly alone.
He let out an uneven breath, and closed his eyes.
His body ached and his mind could not focus. He was weak. He was so weak. He was powerless, and above everything else he was a fraud. His breathing will not settle and his impatience with himself is beyond anger. He is disgusted with his inability to find control. The black gloves that once covered his hands were torn, blood tattered remnants —a reminder of who he was— who he used to be. Kylo Ren, Master of The Knight’s Of Ren, The apprentice to The Supreme Leader.
—But that person was dead now. He killed that version of himself, just like he killed Ben Solo. Just like he killed Snoke. He was no one now.
And now he was truly alone.
***
Rey could still feel him. Could still feel the pull of him even when they were half a galaxy apart. Her anger boiled inside of her. He could not be saved. She was sure of it now.
“...Rey”, he was there. Like a faint whisper on the wind she heard his voice. “Please”, she felt his pleading— the lonely and familiar ache of being alone. She resisted the urge to respond. She pushed his voice away, she reached inside and locked that voice out. She could not allow this connection to continue. Ben…was gone. Kylo Ren was the only one left and she could not bring him back to the light. No one could.
***
He had sat in utter silence for hours. He had finally managed to disassociate enough to feel nothing. To focus on that nothing and to feel nothing. He had nothing, and it was only a matter of time before he lost whatever loyalty he had in The First Order. He knew sooner or later Hux would turn them all and take his control. But right now he would not dwell on that thought, instead he stared out the window of his chamber to the vastness of space. The nothingness of the outer rim.
The door let out a chime and at first it didn’t register but then a small *beep beep* followed that made Kylo startle. The droid had somehow managed to open the door to his chamber. He was on the verge of ripping the machine apart when something happened.
He recognized that sound, that familiar set of binary that had been a companion all those years ago. But this droid was a first order droid, how could it possibly be ...
“R2?” His voice was less than a whisper “is that you?
The droid made a tentative noise and hurried into the room, the sound of the door swooshing behind him. The droid made his way over to Kylo and let out a string of noises that Kylo could barely keep us with.
“But how”
“You what”
“Her idea”
Her, he knew meant, Leia— his mother and before he could say another word the droid opened up a compartment on his side panel, inside was a small data chip with a familiar signia. The resistance. R2 let out a beep of encouragement and moved closer to Kylo, urging him to take the chip.
Everything had changed in a matter of moments again. He was a million different versions of himself —constantly being reborn someone new. Who was Kylo Ren? Who is Ben Solo— did he have a place in this story anymore. Did he deserve yet another chance to change the course of this war.
“...Rey. Can you hear me?”
Kylo reaches his hand out to the droid.
***
Leia knew this plan was a long shot. She knew that the odds were not in her favor, but she held hope that R2 would at least get her message to her son. She rested her hand on the powered down shell of R2D2– though his physical body was here his operating system had been uploaded to a B6 unit onboard the First Order ship that BB8, Finn and Rose had infiltrated. She had not told the others about her plan because she knew it made no sense and though they would not question her out right she knew they would think it. She did not want to admit that her focus was still on bringing her son home— on saving him from himself. She sat on board the falcon in a room to herself and remembered the last time she had seen him. Not Kylo Ren but her son, Ben. He was young, a child and she promised him it would be alright. She had just come from arguing with Han and she could see it on her young sons face that he was frightened.
“You will be trained as a Jedi, Ben. Your uncle will show you the ways of the force.”
“But why can’t I stay here, with you? Why can’t you show me ? Why do I have leave here, Momma?”. She reached for her son and pulled him into an embrace. She rocked him back and forth and squeezed him tighter. “Because I’m not a Jedi”, she said quietly. “I don’t know how to help you anymore.” She has said this to him without speaking aloud. She was now speaking to him directly through the Force. Ben had uncoiled from the hug but Leia kept her hands on his shoulders. Tears were streaming down her young sons face. “I don’t want to be alone. I’m afraid.” His voice was small, an almost inaudible whisper.
Leia placed her hands on her sons face and said firmly, “You will never be alone.”
***
Kylo had managed to pull himself off the floor and made his way over to the only thing left in the room that hadn’t been destroyed. A single chair that had been thrown against the wall when he’d first entered the room. He flipped the chair around and placed it on the floor and took a seat. R2 had followed him and was waiting patiently for his next direction.
Kylo fingered the data chip— R2 made a small noise again that made Kylo look over to the droid. The next few moments felt like an eternity and for the first time in his life he decided to not think. He handed the data chip back to R2, “Play it.”
Eagerly R2 took the data chip and inserted it into his play drive.
The image projected was of Leia. She spoke immediately.
“Ben, it’s me. If you are watching this that means you haven’t destroyed, R2 and I’m sure he’s thankful for that—“ R2 made a sound in agreement. “If you are listening to this that means you still feel the call to the light. You can still feel me. Ben, I will never lose hope. I ...” the image of Leia turned away to choke back tears. “I love you. You are not alone. Please Ben, you and Rey are our only hope in destroying this darkness. Please listen to the Force. It will guide you back to me. We will find each other.” In the back of the recording he could hear the sounds of war— the canons firing, the blasters. It was almost too much to remember the battle that had just ended. “Ben, I am with you. I forgive you. Can you forgive me?” The projection ended abruptly, and R2 slowly rolled towards him.
Kylo was not prepared to face the reckoning of his past, but he was prepared to let Kylo Ren die. Kylo Ren had died the second he chose Rey over his master. He was ready to face his future head on.
***
“... Rey, can you hear me?” Rey opens her eyes and immediately feels the pull of him. But something is different— something she hadn’t felt before.
“Kylo ?” Shes whispers.