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Bakugou feels fucking drained when All Might leaves his house. It sounds ridiculous, considering they've exchanged three sentences. But not so much if you are inside of his head, confusing thoughts swirling non stop at such speed they make him feel a little dizzy.
He feels unstable, as he hangs onto the doorknob, white knuckles and sweating palms as he stares at the mismatched eyes in front of him. He isn't in the mood for this. He doesn't think he'll ever be in the mood for this.
“What the fuck do you want,” is the first thing he snaps, the first words he directs to Todoroki since the training camp.
And Todoroki is unfazed, as expected. He tilts his head slightly to his right, stares at Bakugou with the same empty eyes he wears around everywhere, everyday. Bakugou can count with the fingers of one hand the times he's seen something other than indifference in Todoroki's expression. The last time is carved in his memories, behind his eyelids, he sees it every time he closes his eyes, the look of pure terror and surprise when Dabi's hand closed in front of Todoroki's eyes.
“Since we couldn't talk after we rescued you from the villains, I just wanted to know how you are doing,” the half and half bastard says, all calm and collected, as if all the wrong words haven't just left his mouth at the worst moment.
You didn't fucking rescue me , is at the tip of Bakugou's tongue. We didn't talk because I didn't fucking want to, is stuck at the top of Bakugou's throat. He swallows both of those replies, tightens his grip on the doorknob and pushes it, covering the white part of Todoroki.
“Why do you even care,” he says between gritted teeth, and it doesn't even sound like a question, it is a poisonous accusation. “You already did your job, get lost.”
Bakugou pushes the door with the intention to close it right in the halfie's face, but Todoroki moves fast, presses his elbow against it to stop Bakugou. He doesn't say anything though, he just stares, with the empty expression and empty eyes, they are so fucking deep, Bakugou wonders if they are really empty, or if they are hiding so many things Todoroki doesn't even know how to express them. Bakugou doesn't have the patience nor the time to figure it out now, or ever.
“I'm safe, aren't I?” Bakugou growls out, impatiently, wanting to slam the door with enough force it breaks Todoroki's nose. “You can stop feeling guilty and piss off now. Congratulations.”
This time, when he pushes at the door, it slams closed easily. Bakugou stays there for a while, forehead pressed against the wood of the door, eyes closed tightly, as he begs his head to stop throbbing, he can feel his heart beating slow but strong in his temples.
He decides to go to bed, he feels so worn out all the way to his bones, the exhaustion makes his whole body feel three times heavier than usual. He trusts sleep to be profound enough to erase Todoroki's face from his mind, those empty eyes and empty face with a small trace of guilty if you look closely. Bakugou feels weak enough by himself, he doesn't need anyone's pity to make him feel worse, the twist of remorse and guilt in his gut makes him nauseous enough.
---
Todoroki doesn't want to give up. He shows up at Bakugou's house again two days later, same blank expression all over his face as Bakugou glares at him, fuming on the inside.
This is one of the things Bakugou has always hated about Todoroki. He hates almost everything, but this collected mood gets on his nerves the most, it is unnatural, and makes him feel clumsy and all over the place, because he can't hide his own emotions no matter how much he tries, it all comes out as rage and frustration. He knows he will never be able to stay in control the way Todoroki does, and he doesn't need one more thing to remind him he's weaker than the fucking half and half.
“Didn't I tell you to get lost?” He says, squinting his eyes, hoping his voice sounds threatening enough. But, of course, Todoroki doesn't bulge, he doesn't even tilt his head this time.
“Are you coming back to U.A.?” He asks, voice calm and monotonous, as if Bakugou hasn't sent him to hell a second ago.
Bakugou doesn't hide behind the door again, even if he's still a little unstable, more tired that he will admit, the pain that started on his temples goes all the way down to his neck. But he doesn't want to look weak, even if he feels weak, even if he's starting to think he is weak. Todoroki doesn't need to read into that. So he opens the door completely, stands in front of Icy Hot with his chin raised and his arms crossed defensively over his chest, ready to fight to shut him up if he has to.
“Of course I'm going back, asshole,” he spits out. “Did you think I was going to let you have a free way to the number one spot?”
He sees something now, there in the abyss of Todoroki's empty eyes. Bakugou can't figure out what it is exactly, maybe excitement at the challenge, or anger at the fact that his father is the current number one hero. Bakugou doesn't care enough to ask about it, he just needs Todoroki to leave him the fuck alone.
“I didn't expect anything else,” Todoroki says, with a sharp nod of his head, and Bakugou wonders why he came then, but he doesn't ask.
“Go away now, halfie,” he closes the door before Todoroki can give him an answer.
---
Bakugou will never admit it out loud, but Todoroki's stupid empty face is a distraction all those days he has to stay locked up at home, waiting for the classes to restart.
It's not like him, to stay in bed feeling pity about himself. But to his favour, is not like he can do much when he can't even leave the house. It's been hard, but he already admitted to himself that his exhaustion has nothing to do with his body, his mind is so filled up with confusing thoughts that won't stop spinning, he can feel it in his bones.
Bakugou hates this feeling, weakness, it's all over him, and he tries to erase it with sleep, but every time he opens his eyes and meets the All Might poster that's hung in front of his bed, it comes stronger than ever, crushing his ribs. But he can't bring himself to put the poster down.
He wonders if he was worth everything All Might has done for him, pushing himself to the to the point his body gave out completely. He knows he's not, but that's what heroes are for, right? To save weak people.
If only he had been stronger, if only he had been faster, smarter. If only he had been better, as good as he has always thought he was, the villains wouldn't have taken him, and no one would've had to risk their own life for his own. It's so deep inside of him, the remorse, it won't go away no matter how much time he spends under the spray of the shower, rubbing against his skin to try to wash all these annoying feelings off of him.
If only Todoroki had been faster, he thinks sometimes. That was the only time he's rooted for Todoroki, when Dabi's hand was closing around him, he remembers it in slow motion. But Todoroki wasn't fast enough. And Bakugou thinks, maybe he wasn't worth Todoroki's effort, just like he wasn't worth his full power back at the Sports Festival.
But if he didn't mean a single thing for Todoroki, he wouldn't have went along with the rescue plan. Even if it was just out of guilt.
It's a nice distraction, it takes his mind away from All Might, the villains, stupid Deku and his stupid, powerful, borrowed quirk. How far Todoroki went for him.
He has Kirishima's words stuck in his ears, hears them over and over every time he closes his eyes, as if he's right there, sitting at the feet of his bed repeating them non stop.
“Todoroki started the rescue mission with me,” he had said over the phone, with more enthusiasm than necessary, as he always does. “Said he couldn't stay still and do nothing!”
And Bakugou knows it is out of guilt. Todoroki doesn't really care about him, it is not as if Bakugou gave him reasons to care about him. He isn't like fucking Deku, who will follow Bakugou along literally everywhere, always stepping on the back of his shoes, crossing every line for Bakugou no matter how many times he tells him to go away.
But Todoroki is intelligent, even if it's painful to admit it. He knows when to back off, he knows when a mission is too much for him, knows not to put his whole future career on the line for a classmate he isn't even friends with, it wouldn't have mattered if he was drowning in guilt.
Bakugou knows he's reading too much into it, Todoroki only checks up on him because that's what heroes are supposed to do. But reading too much into it stops him from reading too much into All Might, and all the facts attached to his retirement, that make his chest heave and his temples burn.
He rather fall asleep with Todoroki's indifferent face in his mind that with All Might's skinny, defeated expression, Deku's loud crying in the background.
---
When they move to the dorms, Bakugou knows the others know there's something up with him. He's aware he's been quieter than usual, tamer than he is expected to be. He can feel worried looks thrown his way all the time, Todoroki's firm stare cold in the back of his head.
He's so tired he doesn't even have the energy to get angry, so he slips into his room when the idea of visiting each other's rooms pops up. He's never in the mood for this kind of pointless games.
Sleep doesn't come easily, though. His blood has been simmering since he set his eyes on Deku earlier today. It just feels wrong, that he's going around all proud of a strength that doesn't even belong to him.
He felt like throwing up when he walked past Deku's room, saw him hanging a bunch of All Might posters from his walls with that stupid, fond smile on his face. Bakugou doesn't understand how he has the guts to do that after All Might crumpled a few days ago, when Deku owns now the power that should still be All Might's.
It isn't jealousy, Bakugou doesn't have anything to envy. It is closer to defeat, that is what's burning underneath his skin. Defeat, confusion and frailty. He wonders what All Might saw in someone like Deku, wonders if Deku is worth of this power. He knows he himself definitely isn't, and wonders why All Might wasted his last forces on saving someone like him.
Bakugou isn't used to feeling this weak in his own skin. He never thought self confidence could evaporate in just one day. He doesn't know how much it will take to gain it all back.
He's still lying on his back and staring at the dark ceiling when someone knocks on his door, and when he opens it he isn't even surprised when he's met with a pair of mismatched eyes. He doesn't say anything, though, he just grunts under his breath and frowns.
“I thought you would be sleeping already,” Todoroki says, with a hint of genuine surprise in his hollow face. Bakugou wants to punch it away.
“Then why the fuck did you even knock?” he spits out, his fingers curling in the edge of the door to stop himself from slamming it into the halife's face again.
“Are you okay?” Todoroki asks, ignoring Bakugou's question completely. His head is slightly tilted to the right, eyes roaming over Bakugou's body as if he's searching for any kind of injury. It makes Bakugou's skin crawl, he kinda wants to punch it away too, even if it means punching himself.
“Yes,” he tightens his grip on the door at the harsh tone his voice had in just a single word, but at least Bakugou didn't tell Todoroki to fuck off right away, that is progress. Even if he doesn't try to tell him to get lost just because he knows it won't work, he's still counting it as progress.
“Okay,” the half and half just nods, even if Bakugou can feel he isn't at all convinced with that answer. “Goodnight, then,” and just like that, he turns around and walks towards the elevator.
And suddenly Bakugou is calling out his name before he can stop himself, his blood simmering with something completely different than before, a mix of strong curiosity and deep annoyance.
“Is that all?” he almost screams, he can hear anger all over his own words, he didn't even realize when he stopped being too tired to feel it.
But all Todoroki does is nod again, Bakugou doesn't know what else he was expecting, icyhot loves to be all cryptic and frustrating. So he mumbles a “good fucking night” before he slams the door with enough force that he feels it in his ribs. He hopes Todoroki feels it too.
He doesn't understand what has gotten into Todoroki. He already planned the whole rescue thing with Kirishima, that should've been enough to appal his guilt. Bakugou doesn't need him to stick around to remind him how he needed saving because of his own weaknesses. He wants him to go away so bad, but sleep comes easier when Todoroki is running in circles in his mind instead of All Might and fucking Deku.
---
As the days go by Bakugou starts to feel a little bit more like himself. Every day is a training session to prepare them for the provisional license exam, that means a free pass to blow up everything he wants to.
It's been a while since the last time he felt this free, this alive and powerful. He's missed the rush of pure strength that goes through his body every time he blows a wall to pieces, the feeling of control in his chest when his blows hit exactly where he wants them to hit, destroy exactly what he wants to be destroyed.
Bakugou hopes many training sessions will be enough to erase the weakness out of him. He's pretty sure the guilt won't go away that easily though. So he just keeps blowing up stuff to numb the feelings.
It all goes to shit because of fucking Deku, of course. When Bakugou blows up a wall and a stone almost crushes someone, but Deku has to be there, as always, to stop it and tear it apart with a precise kick, saving someone in a second, with almost zero effort.
It's like a punch to his stomach, the fact that Deku keeps getting stronger and stronger thanks to a power that doesn't belong to him. And Bakugou recognizes his new moves too, he's seen them in the Iida many times, and the thought of Deku stealing fighting styles from other people just makes him want to straight up puke.
Bakugou needs to keep his mind off of him, and the loud noise of his own explosions isn't enough to mute his thoughts. So he focuses on Todoroki, instead.
It's an easy thing to do, because he can feel him all the time, his mismatched gaze following Bakugou around the training room, as if he's committing to memory every single one of his attacks, learning his fighting moves by heart.
So Bakugou does the same to him, because two can play this game, and he won't look away and let Todoroki figure him out. He's gonna solve the half and half bastard, he's gonna memorize every crack to destroy him in the next face off they have.
It's interesting, seeing the way Todoroki tries to improve his control on his left side, tries to combine his both quirks and use them at once. Bakugou knows he's gonna be incredibly powerful once he learns how to manage his strength properly, and a rush of excitement runs through his body at the promising thought of fighting Todoroki at his limit, not a half assed duel like the Sports Festival bullshit. Bakugou still wants to break his nose for that.
Todoroki winces and glitches when he uses his left side, as if he's scared it will hurt him more than it hurts is objectives. It's kind of pathetic the way he almost curls on himself when big flames rise from his skin, Bakugou hadn't noticed until now, he's never paid enough attention. He's stricken by the realization that he wants to break Endeavour's nose just as bad as he wants to break Todoroki's.
“Hey, Icyhot,” he calls out at the end of a training lesson.
Todoroki stops at the door of the changing room, his hero costume unfastened down to the middle of his chest, hair all tousled up and beads of sweat falling down his neck. He looks at Bakugou with his head tilted to the side, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as if he has the right to bother Bakugou with dumb questions whenever he wants, but Bakugou can't do the same to him. Fuck him.
“How's your old man doing?” Bakugou asks, careful so his voice sounds cold and sharpen to make it clear that he doesn't want to get a nice answer. It's difficult to look at Todoroki like this, when his hair is sticking to his forehead and his cheeks are lit red, but Bakugou can't look away, that'd be a defeat, and he's tired of weakness.
“Angry, as always,” Todoroki is still frowning down at Bakugou, as if he's grown a third head.
“I hope you freeze him to death if he puts a hand on you,” he replies, low and threatening. “We don't want him to get too cocky now that he's the number one, do we? The way he got the spot was fucking pathetic, anyway.”
And with that, Bakugou shoulders his way past Todoroki and heads straight to the showers. He doesn't bother to look at the expression in halfie's face, it's probably fucking empty. It's almost impossible to point something other than confusion and surprise in that stupid face of him.
---
If there's someone that makes Bakugou as angry as Deku, it's Endeavour for sure. They are kind of leeches, sucking up on other people's power and achievements.
At least fucking Deku does it in a harmless way, he just wants to improve to help people, he isn't aware of the effect it can have on other people when he steals their fight moves. And All Might gave him his power willingly, not that Bakugou gets it, but he guesses he has to respect the decision, even if it's fucking dumb.
But Endeavour, he uses his son as if he owns him, destroying Todoroki to the point he wouldn't show his full potential, even if he's aiming to be the number one. And Bakugou finds that so incredibly pathetic, sad even, to not show how much you are worth because you think you owe it to someone else.
And the fire fuck goes walking around all high and mighty, as if someone as cruel as him could ever deserve the number one hero spot. As if he could be called a hero at all. Endeavour only got that stop because All Might crumpled, and he crumpled because of Bakugou. The fact that someone as despicable as Endeavour is out there claiming to be the best because of him, it makes Bakugou's blood boil to the point he wants to rip his skin open.
At least Todoroki is nothing like his father, Bakugou thinks, as he stares at him during their daily training session, the last one before the provisional license exam.
Todoroki isn't a bunch of angry fire that goes around burning everything up as if he's entitled to. He's collected and calm and he screams control. He's everything Bakugou isn't, everything Bakugou knows he has to learn how to be. Not that he will ever tell him.
They look at each other sometimes, across the training room, over the sound of everyone else pushing themselves to their limit. Bakugou loves the fact that Todoroki never looks away, he doesn't waver, he's steady as a rock, an open challenge written all over his face, tempting and inviting. Bakugou hopes the provisional license exam gives him a chance to destroy him.
---
After the exam, Bakugou is feeling cracked up, weaker than he's ever felt before, lying on rock bottom when he thought he couldn't fall lower. That's why he can't handle it anymore, he needs answers, he needs to get the guilt out of his chest, to feel powerful once again so he can stop rotting inside, getting more frail as days go by.
But the fight with Deku doesn't make him feel any better, not in the slightest. Even if he screams his lungs out until his throat is sore, his voice all broken around the edges. Even if he cries so much his eyes burn. Even if he wins, when he pins Deku against the floor and looks down at him through his own tears, even if Deku looks miserable and defeated, as if he has extinguished under Bakugou, under the force of him. Bakugou feels raw and exposed, disappointed in every kind of way.
The fact that Deku can't put up a fight when he has All Might's help, All Might's strength, it frustrates Bakugou to the core. And he hates that fucking Deku has ruined this for him too, the rush he gets every time he wins isn't there this time, he shouldn't feel defeated after winning a fair fight.
He wishes he could understand why he had to be the cause of All Might's end when he's done nothing but admire him and cheer on him from afar. He hasn't taken anything from him, hasn't asked for help, not even once. But he still came to his rescue, even if admitting he needed to be rescued makes Bakugou shake with rage. He still lost everything protecting Bakugou because Bakugou was too weak to protect himself.
He tries to believe All Might, when he tells him he didn't choose him instead of Deku because he was already a hundred steps ahead of him. And Bakugou used to know this, some time ago. He used to be so sure of his own strength, he doesn't understand how he ended up stumbling like this.
So he goes to Todoroki's room, all bruised up and wide open. Because he doesn't want to be left alone with his own thoughts, and the half and half bastard is probably the only one who understands what it is to lose control to your emotions, as ironic as it sounds with that empty face of his. Because he's probably feeling as dumb and pathetic as Bakugou after failing today. Because now that Bakugou is carrying a big secret on his chest that doesn't even belong to him, Todoroki is probably the only one who won't ask stupid questions Bakugou can't answer.
When he opens the door, Todoroki does nothing but to look at him up and down, he raises a curious eyebrow, but he steps away from the door to let Bakugou in without asking a single question. Bakugou feels so relieved, lighter than he's felt in the past month or so.
He looks around once he flops down on the floor, his eyes get caught in a clock that's hanging on one of the walls, it's past three in the morning. They are supposed to be up in three hours to go to class (to clean up the house, Bakugou bitterly remind himself), he doesn't understand why Todoroki is up so late, but he won't ask if Todoroki doesn't ask.
Icyhot sits down next to him, a packet of cotton clutched in one hand and a bottle of alcohol in the other. Bakugou doesn't mention how fucking weird this is when Todoroki starts to clean up the cuts on his face, he doesn't complain, he doesn't push him away. He isn't sure if it's how sleepy he feels or the numbness of his whole body after the fight, but he doesn't even have the strength to act edgy. So he just lets Todoroki do whatever the fuck he wants to do, and winces when the alcohol itches too much (he forces himself to ignore the way Todoroki snickers, because Bakugou really isn't in the mood to break his nose right now, and he probably needs this cleaning up, and Todoroki looks pretty fucking cute with a smile in that empty face of his).
“Midoriya beat you up pretty badly,” the half and half bastard says, and Bakugou doesn't even bother to ask him how he knows about the fight, since it looks like he's best friends with fucking Deku now, what an awful taste for friends, if you ask him.
“Shut the fuck up, asshole,” Bakugou growls out, sulking, and the faintest smile appears on Todoroki's face, so he adds “I won, anyway.”
“Of course you did,” Todoroki replies, tone flat and serious.
He doesn't say it in a mocking way at all, he's just stating a fact, as if winning is what Bakugou is meant to do. As if earlier today he hadn't failed the most important exam they've taken so far. As if he didn't have the word weak written all over his forehead in big capital letters.
It is comforting, though, the fact that Todoroki doesn't seem to give much importance to the exam. It doesn't look like the grades have changed his perception of Bakugou, nor of himself. Once again, Bakugou wishes he was that collected, that steady.
“Why are you even awake this late,” Bakugou says, just to fill the heavy silence so he doesn't sink in unwelcome thoughts.
Todoroki doesn't reply for a long time, he moves his hands away from Bakugou's face, looks at him intently for a few minutes, and Bakugou has the terrible feeling he's stepped over a line he isn't supposed to cross yet, nor ever. But he doesn't look mad, his mismatched eyes are calm and slightly tired, he just sighs and gets up to put away the stuff he used to clean Bakugou up.
“Nightmares,” Todoroki mumbles when he sits back down, eyes fixed in his own hands, folded together on his lap.
Bakugou doesn't ask more, he doesn't think he's allowed to, he doesn't even know what he's done to get all this unreserved kindness and trust from Todoroki. He wonders if he's still feeling guilty, wonders how long it takes for guilt to rot inside of you and disappear.
And suddenly Bakugou is boiling up with the urge to fight. It's unfair, he knows it, what's going on inside of his head has nothing to do with Todoroki. If Todoroki has done something to him, it's provide him of an escape of his own annoying, persistent dark feelings. But the words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, because he'll never have the control Todoroki has.
“You know I don't need your fucking pity, right?” the look Todoroki throws at him is so hurt it hits him harder than any kick and punch fucking Deku landed on him tonight.
“What are you talking about?” he asks, voice genuinely curious, tilting his head to the side in that annoying way of his that makes him look like a lost kitten. Bakugou can't stand him.
“That day you came to my house,” Bakugou explains, getting up from the floor so he can look down at the other boy and feel like he's in control, even if he has no idea why the fuck he's messing everything up right now. “I meant what I said. You don't owe me shit, you can stop feeling guilty, I don't need anything.”
“And here I thought we were finally getting along,” Todoroki says it in a mumble, but it sounds like a scream in Bakugou's ears. He laughs dryly.
“You want a friendship based on pity?”
It looks like Todoroki has had enough after that. He gets up, stands as close to Bakugou as he can without touching any part of his body. His eyes are fierce, they look lit up on fire, burning with anger and frustration. And maybe Bakugou feels a little bit in disadvantage, but it feels so fucking good to make Todoroki lose it, to fill up that empty face with something as raw as anger. They've come a long way since the Sports Festival, Bakugou is proud of every single step.
“What about that time you asked me about my dad, huh?” Todoroki's voice is deadly calm and cold, his fist suddenly pressed up against Bakugou's chest, knuckles digging into his skin, a promise of a fight if Bakugou is willing to accept it. “Was that pity, too? Are you paying me back with the same coin you hate or something like that?”
Bakugou remembers the sense of disgust that went through his body when he thought about Endeavour putting his hands on Todoroki, it comes back as a rush now, makes him grit his teeth with an anger that comes from the ridiculous feeling of protectiveness he's grown lately for this annoying asshole.
“That was just to make clear how fucking bad I want to break his big nose,” he growls out instead, because that's way easier than to admit that suddenly he can't handle the idea of someone breaking Todoroki unless it is in a fair fight.
“And why do you want to break his nose? Tell me,” Todoroki punches Bakugou in the chest, once, too lightly for his liking. He punches again when he gets nothing but a threatening glare. “I am genuinely concerned about you, dumbass.”
It takes Bakugou by surprise, the sudden change of mood, Todoroki's arm falling defeated by his side, the sincerity and vulnerability in his eyes, all of it wrapped up in a kind of hurt that makes Bakugou's insides itch with something really similar to guilt. He kind of wants to blow himself up.
“It's got nothing to do with pity, I'm not that shallow.”
It's Bakugou the one who hits now, because he can handle anger and insults, but he doesn't know what to do with brutal honestly and compassion, he's so clumsy with feelings it always comes out as rage. So he pushes at Todoroki's shoulders with both hands, so much gentler than he intends to, with no heat at all, even if he feels like he's simmering under his chest.
“Why do you even care?” he insists, pushing again, a little harder.
Todoroki moves fast, he grabs Bakugou's writs before he can react, his fight with Deku has left him way more worn out than he'd like to admit. Time seems to slow down, then. Todoroki's grip is firm but kind, Bakugou can't break free no matter how hard he pulls, but it doesn't hurt, he just keeps him in place, so close to each other Bakugou feels like Todoroki is stealing all his air. And, suddenly, Todoroki leans all the way in, and the feeling of his lips pressed against Bakugou's so softly makes him flinch as if he has just been punched.
Bakugou stares at him wide eyed, his wrists still trapped between Todoroki's fingers, shaking slightly. Todoroki's eyes are half lidded, there's a pink shadow covering his cheeks, his usually blank face is shining with embarrassment. But he holds Bakugou's gaze, steady and wide open, so brave and so much like a challenge, no trace of weakness. It is this lack of fear what is making Bakugou fall, hard and fast, without brakes.
So he tries to take a step forward, moves his leg so it fits between Todoroki's and pushes forward until their chests are pressed up together, until he can bite Todoroki's lower lip so hard he almost draws blood.
Bakugou doesn't understand it, he just knows that every single fibre of his body is vibrating with something he recognizes as want and curiosity, so he fists a hand in Todoroki's hair when his grip loosens up due to surprise, and kisses him open mouthed and without reservations. He feels braver than he's felt in weeks.
It is fierce and rough, Todoroki's fingers dig in the back of Bakugou's neck, as if he's trying to tame him down and let him take the lead, but Bakugou's been ready for war for too long to let him win this over. They bite at each other's lips with something close to desperation, Bakugou pushes at Todoroki's tongue with his own again and again, trying to fight him off to be able to explore every corner of his mouth while he can, but Todoroki doesn't give up and keeps meeting him halfway, trying to beat him.
It's messy and too fast, Bakugou whines when Todoroki slides his lips off his mouth and bites at his chin. He doesn't lose the opportunity and takes over Bakugou's open mouth, traces every edge and curve of it with his tongue until Bakugou is burning so intensely he has to pull at Todoroki's hair hard to make him stop and breathe. The moan that escapes Todoroki's lips leaves him a second away from diving back in.
They end up breathing in tandem, their foreheads resting against each other, chests flushed together. Bakugou doesn't know when it happened, but Todoroki isn't holding his wrist anymore, their fingers are lazed together and Todoroki's grip in his hand is so strong Bakugou feels like his fingers are going numb. But he doesn't pull away, he doesn't dare to move in case something goes terribly wrong and they both break, he doesn't think he can handle one more fight today.
Todoroki pulls away after a while, slowly and carefully, as if he's scared he will startle Bakugou and make him run away like a scared cat. And, if he wasn't tired all the way to his bones, Bakugou thinks maybe he would, because right now he has no idea what to do, when his whole body is itching with embarrassment and anxiety. He kind of wants to step out of his own skin.
Todoroki takes a few steps back, their linked fingers disentangle slowly the more he walks away, and Bakugou has to repress the sudden urge of clutching his hand. He looks at Todoroki properly now, cheeks lighten red and hair tousled up, lips shiny and swollen, his skin flushed all the way down his neck, chest heaving fast. Bakugou wonders if he looks as out of it as Todoroki does, because he surely feels that way.
“I'm going to sleep now,” the fucking half and half says, and his voice is sounding all rough and broken, and Bakugou doesn't know if he wants to punch him in the face or kiss him senseless, but he's pretty sure those aren't the words you are supposed to say after you kiss someone for the first time, and it stings, so he's kind of leaning towards the latter option. But Todoroki takes a deep breath, and adds, “you can stay the night, if you want. It's late already.”
Bakugou really, really wants to kiss him again. He also really wants to run out of there and bury himself under the blankets of his bed. He's too tired and confused to do neither of those things, so he just flops down on the floor, takes the thin blanket that Todoroki throws at him, and falls asleep lying beside Todoroki's futon. Sleep hadn't come so easy in so long.
---
The next morning, Bakugou wakes up way before Todoroki has to get up to go to class. He slides out of the room as fast as he can, doesn't even glance at the halfie asshole. There's this sharp, persistent sensation on his chest, something cold that itches, that Bakugou hasn't felt before, and he has the terrible feeling that it won't go away until he looks at Todoroki to prove their relatioship didn't go to shit. Fear keeps creeping up Bakugou's neck, nesting at his shoulders as if it's planning to stay for a long time, and Bakugou has enough with guilt and weakness. He hates Todoroki with everything he's got for making him feel more than what he can handle.
He dives into the dorm chores, mutes everything around him, even fucking Deku who won't stop singing while he sweeps the floor. He forces himself to keep his mind in battle tactics so he can make up for the classes he's gonna miss, even if it's just mentally.
When the others are leaving to class, he hears the half and half bastard's voice behind him, breaking his bubble.
“Bakugou, what are you going to do with the provisional license supplementary lessons?” And Bakugou has to grit his teeth to stop himself from blowing up the floor under Todoroki's feet.
“Shut up, it's none of your business” he answers bitterly, and he doesn't even spare the dumbass a glance, he doesn't fucking deserve it, because who does he think he is to remind Bakugou right now that he failed the fucking exam and he's gonna be missing fucking classes and fucking extra lessons because he got in a stupid fucking fight, for fuck's sake. Todoroki of all people should've known better and shut the fuck up.
“Well then, I'll leave you to your cleaning,” the halfie's voice sounds so chirpy and in such good, Bakugou is about to blow up the entire building. “Enjoy!”
And Todoroki sounds so much brighter than usual, Bakugou has to turn around to stare at his back as he leaves. It's so damn ridiculous, but he thinks that he might as well try to enjoy the time he has to be trapped in the dorms if he can't escape.
He doesn't know what the fuck is wrong with him, but he ends up giving advice to fucking Deku so he can improve his fighting style, Bakugou wants to beat him at his best, after all. He curses Todoroki under his breath later, he doesn't have the right to make him go so soft.
---
They don't talk about the kiss, Bakugou's mind is too cluttered to add feelings to the mix of messy thoughts in his head. The thing is, he thought he was getting better. He thought he would get better, with the fight. Even if it didn't make him feel stronger or more self confident, it was relieving, and he was waiting for All Might's words to sink in and push him forward, higher.
But he feels like he's being left behind. Even now that he isn't trapped in the doors and he can attend classes again, everyone's been called for internships, he's surrounded with classmates that keep prospering and gaining experience, while he has to keep attending ridiculous extra lessons for an exam he thought he was more than capable of passing. But of course he was wrong, because it seems he can't get anything right lately.
He knows Todoroki knows he's off. The half and half bastard is probably the only one who has noticed, since the others are too busy working with pro heroes, Bakugou feels like he hasn't talked to Kirishima in weeks, and he won't admit it out loud, but he misses the noisy idiot like hell.
Todoroki walks with him every single day to the provisional license course, no matter how loud Bakugou barks and complains, how many insults he throws at him. And he's gotta admit it's kind of nice to listen to Todoroki rambling about pointless stuff like the color of the leaves, the shape of the clouds or the sound of the wind. It's dumb and ridiculous and useless, every single thing that leaves his mouth shouldn't catch Bakugou's attention at all, but at some point Bakugou can't pinpoint Todoroki's monotonous voice stopped being boring to become soothing, it makes Bakugou's mind calmer, quieter. It's like Todoroki is the moon and he handles Bakugou's mood as he pleases, the same way the moon handles the tide. There's an alarm in the back of Bakugou's mind that won't shut up and it's trying to tell him that isn't smart to give someone so much power over him, but he shuts it up every single time to goes off.
Still, the half and half bastard gets on his nerves every single fucking day, Bakugou is sure that's something that will never change, he's also sure that's something he doesn't want to change. He likes it, their random fights and tantrums, the prickling feeling under his skin when Todoroki flashes a crooked smile in the middle of a fight when he dodges Bakugou's punches.
“You think you can pass with something like that?” he says, challenging and amused, and Bakugou hits back with everything he's got, until one of them ends up pinned to the ground under the other's body.
These classes may be useless and Bakugou may feel like he isn't improving at all, he may be scared to death because everyone else is running at full speed while Todoroki and him are being left behind, stumbling over the same steps over and over again. But, at least, Todoroki makes him try his best.
---
When Kirishima goes out in this Eri brat rescue mission, Bakugou is really fucking pissed off.
First of all, he feels fucking useless and powerless, he hates the fact that he can't do anything to help, he can't get involved in anything, he's doomed to stay at home with his arms crossed and following the battle through the news. He hates the fact that some of his classmates are out there actually moving and improving and learning, while he keeps getting behind.
And, secondly, he won't admit it, but he's worried sick. He doesn't really give a fuck about what can happen to fucking Deku, frog girl or angel face, but Kirishima has gotten himself into a really fucking dangerous fight. And it's not like Bakugou underestimates him, he knows what his best friend is capable of, he knows how far he's come, he sees him improving at gigantic steps every single day. But, holy shit, there's a fucking villain who can make someone explode in the blink of an eye. Of course he's fucking worried.
So he doesn't know how many hours pass, but he stays there, sitting in the couch surrounded by the other annoying, noisy assholes, eyes glued to the television screen, heart thrumming in his throat.
Todoroki is sitting next to him, his right side isn't touching Bakugou, but it's close enough for him to feel a bit of coldness over his skin, as if Todoroki is too worried to control his quirk properly. Bakugou is thankful he isn't the only one who's almost losing it over this fucking mission, the mood is kinda frantic.
When the fight seems to be almost over, Bakugou sees someone carrying Kirishima out of the building, and he's fucking unconscious. He's so close to blowing up the fucking screen his fingers actually twitch, but suddenly a cold hand is gripping his, and Bakugou squeezes back by instinct.
“Let go, asshole,” he says between gritted teeth, but there's no heat to it, and even though he relaxes his grip until his hand is limp on Todoroki's, he doesn't pull away.
“I'm sure he'll be fine,” Todoroki says, his voice low enough so only Bakugou can hear it, so close to his ear it makes him shiver. “They'll be here in a few hours.”
And Bakugou doesn't know why, but he believes him. He's suddenly struck with a sense of trust so deep he could let himself fall backwards with his eyes closed, and there would be no hint of doubt that Todoroki would be ready to catch him.
Todoroki is sliding his hand over Bakugou's skin now, the pads of his fingers brushing lightly over Bakugou's wrist, and it's intended to calm him down, but heat goes up Bakugou's chest and settles on his cheeks, he can feel his heart speeding up and thrumming behind his eyes as Todoroki keeps dragging his cold fingertips over his burning skin. And Bakugou feels like his heart is the one who's falling backwards, with its eyes closed and without permission, and he doesn't think Todoroki is ready at all to catch it.
Bakugou can't take it anymore, he swats Todoroki's hand away roughly and stomps out of the room without looking back at him.
---
Bakugou's sitting on the couch again when Kirishima and the others make it back to the dorms. He doesn't even bother to get up to greet them, he'll have time to catch up with shitty hair tomorrow, he's sure he'll ramble to him for at least two hours about how cool the whole experience was.
So he goes to sleep early, because he has to get up early for the fucking provisional license lessons tomorrow. And so does the fucking half and half. They go up the stairs to their bedrooms together, and Todoroki stops Bakugou when he's about to walk away, his fingers curling around his wrist just like they did when they were in the couch, just as lightly, just as cold, and Bakugou's heart freefalls just as fast.
“My dad's coming tomorrow,” Todoroki says under his breath, as if the other idiots can hear him when they are two floors under them.
“So what,” Bakugou grunts, pulling his arm free, eyes stuck in the wall under Todoroki's head.
“Can you just,” Todoroki pauses and, when Bakugou glares at him to prompt him to hurry the fuck up, he has his lips pursed in a concerned pout. Bakugou doesn't think it looks cute, not at all. “Can you stay with me all day? I mean, as in, keeping me busy, fighting and stuff,” Bakugou just glares at him some more, because he has no clue what's going on here, and it's really difficult to ignore the fact that his skin is suddenly twinging all over, as if his whole body just went numb out of the blue. “I don't want him to have a chance to talk to me.”
Bakugou doesn't need more explanations, he himself hates the fucking fire moustache man enough to try to avoid seeing his face every time he's around. If Todoroki wants him to keep him busy, that's the perfect excuse to literally destroy him tomorrow during practice, and Bakugou's insides burn with an excitement he's familiar and comfortable with, the thrill when he knows a worthy fight is coming. It shushes the irrational, stupidly hopeful thoughts of how much Todoroki must trust him to ask him for something like this, as if he had anyone else to ask anyway.
---
Bakugou spends the next day annoyed because he really, really wants to beat Todoroki's ass, but he can't because he's surrounded by brats, literally.
He ends up having a bit of fun in the end, even if he will never admit it out loud. He fucks up at first, when they tell them their mission of the day is to take care of a bunch of annoying, hyperactive little kids, his first idea is to handle them with strict rules and a firm hand, because that was the way he was raised, and it worked out pretty well, he might add.
But he doesn't realize the effect his words can have on Todoroki until he brings up that there are better ways to raise a kid. Endeavour's presence in the benches makes Bakugou's back burn, his very punchable face is too close and the desire of breaking his big nose keeps increasing under Bakugou's skin at the memory of Todoroki's troubled past. He takes a deep breath instead, and encourages Todoroki to show him his way of handling kids. And it's fucking ridiculous, he's hopeless, a lost cause. They both are, and it's new, feeling so light and comfortable while doing something he isn't good at, it feels like freedom, Bakugou doesn't really know what to do with his hands and stomach so full of butterflies, so he hides them with frowns and screams.
They do a pretty good job in the end, turning the training room into a giant frozen amusement park, and Bakugou laughs in a way he only laughs when he's with Kirishima, unreserved and carefree, when Camie pulls off an illusion of Todoroki acting as a manga shoujo boy. He feels the half and half eyes on him while he tries and fails to repress his laughter, they tickle.
Everything is fine until the lesson is over and Camie draws Bakugou's attention away from Todoroki for a second, and when he looks back over his shoulder he sees Endeavour's piercing gaze looking down at his son, stern and aggravated.
He curses himself under his breath for failing at the only thing Todoroki has ever asked from him, the mix of guilt, weakness and low self confidence pulling him down again. He side eyes Todoroki all the way back to their dorms, but his tongue feels to heavy to say anything.
Bakugou breaks the silence once they are already walking towards their respective rooms, he clings an arm on Todoroki's sleeve when they get to Bakugou's floor, stopping him from going upstairs to his own room.
“What did that asshole want?” He asks, sounding really close to a threaten and nothing like an apology, which is what it's supposed to be. He hopes Todoroki is smart enough to read between lines.
“Nothing important, don't worry,” and his reply comes in a collected tone that Bakugou can't decipher if is genuine or if it's his usual calm mask, the one who hides so many feelings Todoroki doesn't even know how to express.
“Who says I care?” Bakugou grunts out, pushing down the concern that has been creeping up his throat since the moment he saw Endeavour and Todoroki talking. “Just waiting for an excuse to break his fucking nose,” and the halfie bastard scoffs at that, smiles down at Bakugou with an expression that's dangerously close to fondness.
“As if you need an excuse to break anybody's nose,” he huffs, and takes a step back. Bakugou lets go of his sleeve, and he's bout to turn around and leave when Todoroki adds, voice small but confident, “why don't you say it back?”
Bakugou wishes with everything he's got that he didn't understand those words right away. So out of the blue, so out of context, it's painfully obvious how good he's gotten at reading Todoroki when his old words resonate in his ears, loud and fresh. I am genuinely concerned about you, dumbass.
“I don't know what the fuck you're talking about,” he says, instead. Because the fact that he's falling way too deep and too fast doesn't mean Todoroki has the right to know it.
He does turn to leave now, but the bastard stops him again.
“It was nice, you know?” And stretches the silence until Bakugou looks at him over his shoulder. “Seeing you laugh. Genuinely, I mean, without that air of superiority that usually surrounds you when you are mocking someone.”
There's so much sincerity threaded between his teasing tone, Bakugou feels himself simmering again, a bunch of feelings that are too intense to name bubbling up his chest, between his ribs. Todoroki's eyes are firm but clouded, the blue and grey remind Bakugou of a stormy day, he feels trapped in a wild sea that won't stop twisting everything inside him. He wonders how long it will take for him to drown, if he isn't sinking already.
“Shut the fuck up, Todoroki,” he mumbles as he starts walking towards his room, and it wasn't meant for the asshole to listen, but Todoroki still screams a goodnight at his back.
It's only then when it hits Bakugou that he's called Todoroki by his name, that he's probably been using his name the whole day, and it felt so natural in his tongue, it fit so well, he didn't even realize until now. He wishes he had, so he could've paid attention to Todoroki's expression every time the name left his lips.
---
Bakugou will never let his annoying classmates find out, but he's thankful for the cultural festival.
The provisional license course has stopped for a few weeks, and it's gotten to a point where the normal classes aren't enough to release all the energy he has inside; not enough to keep his mind away from how he's still a step behind from everyone else, from fucking Deku; not enough to make him feel like he's actually improving. So getting behind the drums and hitting them with all the force he's got inside him for hours is a nice way to end up so drained out his mind is too numb to think.
And there's something thrilling about the way everyone looks at him when he's playing, about the way Todoroki stares at him through his peppermint bangs. There's something like awe in everyone's faces, something like surprise in Todoroki's almost blank stare, and it's the first time Bakugou feels like he's staring at with something other than fear or annoyance.
It's the first time he's being stared at for doing something nice, he fucking hates how soft he's gotten, but his insides scream for pampering attention now that he's been low on self love for a while.
It's new, and it's scary, and so unlike him to want warmth from others, he wants to rip out his own skin so he can step out of his body. But if he did, his skin wouldn't be his own anymore, and it would stop tickling every time Todoroki's mellow eyes run over him.
---
Once their performance at the cultural festival is over, Bakugou is feeling more like himself, he's almost at his fullest again. Everyone was against him playing this whole thing as a battle, but it's exactly what he needed, to win at something. And when the third years approached them to tell them their performance was amazing, that's all Bakugou needed to feel more comfortable in his own skin than he's done in the past week.
It's always nice, to prove you're the best at something, no matter if it's fighting or playing drums. And Bakugou has always been the best at everything he wants to be, he's tired of slacking off, he's back on the game at full force, ready to make everything his and destroy everyone around him. He feels strong enough to conquer everything, feels like he deserves it.
It's night time already, and they are all outside staring at fireworks in the sky and sharing candy apples. Bakugou's mouth tastes sweet, his arms are heavy with exhaustion, Kirishima keeps screaming excitedly by his side. And maybe Bakugou doesn't care about these pointless get togethers and some pretty lights in the sky, but he isn't that big of an asshole to ruin everyone's day by leaving to bed too early today, so he stands there with his arms crossed over his chest and his brows furrowed and the shitty hair's laughter ringing in his ears.
When, suddenly, another sound joins Kirishima's obnoxious clacking; it's softer, quieter, but loud enough to raise above the blasting of a bunch of fireworks. Bakugou looks at his right side, his eyes meet Todoroki's figure, head pulled back, his hair away from his forehead, eyes closed tightly and mouth open, lips quirked up, laughing so freely and unhidden, Bakugou feels like his heart is being turned upside down.
He can't recall a single time he's seen Todoroki laughing like this, with rosy cheeks and happy tears in the corner of his eyes. God, he can count with the fingers of a hand the times he's seen Todoroki smile, and none of them showed his teeth.
Bakugou doesn't even know what he's laughing at, it was probably something fucking Deku told him. But he doesn't give a damn, no when there's this tingling feeling sticking to his ribs, going up his throat and prompting him to smile. He wonders if this is what Todoroki felt that time he saw him laughing out loud during their extra lessons.
Todoroki's old words resound in Bakugou's ears now: it was nice, you know? Seeing you laugh. Bakugou wants to repeat it now, he wants to make Todoroki's words his own and say it back, but his throat closes around the words before they get the chance to crawl free.
The sentence gets stuck there, waiting in line with a lot of other things he's forbidden himself to say out loud. So what comes out is something he's been keeping in for a while, he's probably a million seconds late, but he says it, anyway.
“I care about you, too,” he says, too quietly, too tiny to be heard over the sound of fireworks, but Todoroki still catches it somehow.
Bakugou braces himself for the fall, he turns on his defensive mode even before Todoroki looks at him, ready to be teased for at least half an hour. But when Todoroki turns around, he looks at him with fireworks in his eyes and a smile that holds promises Bakugou can't understand yet.
“Took you long enough,” he says warmly, leaning closer to mumble in Bakugou's ear.
And he's so close, at hand reach, so open and with his heart on his sleeve, ready for Bakugou to conquer it easily if he wants to. And he truly wants to, but he isn't sure you can conquer someone who has conquered you first.
Todoroki doesn't give him time to figure it out, though. Suddenly he's grabbing Bakugou by his tie and pulling him close enough to press their mouths together. Bakugou is too puzzled to fall into character, to push him away and yell at him for kissing him in front of everyone. He's way too puzzled and way too happy to do anything other than curling his fingers behind Todoroki's neck and kissing him back.
This is so much different than their first kiss, where Bakugou was lost and too aware of everything and hungry of rage, driven by annoyance and confusion. This time everything fades away, the noise of fireworks and their classmates' laughter as background music, sounds way more beautiful in Bakugou's ears than it should.
Todoroki kisses him softly, parts his lips with his tongue and licks at the seam, caresses Bakugou's chapped skin with the tip, coaxes his mouth open slowly and gently. So different from last time, but just as intense, so intense Bakugou doesn't even try to put up a fight, doesn't want to. He wants Todoroki to take over his mouth completely, wants him to settle under his ribs and stay there, making his heart pump faster than ever. He wants to be conquered just as bad as he wants to conquer, so his mouth falls open and he meets Todoroki's tongue halfway.
Todoroki's mouth tastes like cotton candy and candy apple, it should be too sweet for Bakugou's liking, but he can't stop licking into it until the sweet disappears and he gets to Todoroki's real, warm taste, melts into Todoroki's mouth faster than candy.
He's vaguely aware of confused murmurs around them, he guesses they are making quite a scene, but he isn't ready to break away just yet. He curls his fingers into Todoroki's hair and presses closer, harder, until he can feel a moan shaking his chest before it leaves Todoroki's lips.
When they break apart, there's still fireworks in Todoroki's eyes, even though they went silent a while ago, his cheeks are pinker, his mouth is happier, his eyes hold so many promises Bakugou couldn't count them even if he tried to.
Kirishima's loud voice is there again, ringing in his ears, mixed up with fucking Deku and a hundred more, and Bakugou knows they will never hear the end of it. But it's okay if they want to tease them about this for a lifetime, maybe ten. Because when Todoroki smiles at him, all fireworks and cotton candy, Bakugou feels strong and confident enough to destroy them all.