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Wade launched his body through the (thankfully open) window, spinning like a gymnast before landing on the bedroom floor with a couple of somersaults for good measure. He hopped up, feet together and arms up in an Olympic “V.” “I’m here!” he announced.
Cable tried not to roll his eyes. It only seemed to encourage him. “You could have knocked on the front door. I invited you here. Idiot.”
Wade pulled his mask out of the collar of his suit, beaming at the mild insult. That was basically a pet name, coming from Cable. “I have an image to maintain, Future Man. The fans deserve an entrance! Why are we meeting at Casa del Virgin, anyway? I have an apartment with Vanessa again. Or still. I’m not 100% sure about what-all I did to the timeline at the end of the movie. Hashtag time-travel problems, am I right?”
“I invited you to the X-Mansion because this is where your… surprise… is.” It felt strange telling a 40-year-old man about his birthday surprise, but Vanessa had been right. Wade was loving it.
“Ooh, yes, my surprise! What is it? Is it your cyborg dick? Because Vanessa kinda pretty heavily implied it was your cyborg dick.”
“I’m not a-- it’s a techno-organic vi-- Jesus. Yes. Do you want it or not?”
“Yes please. With a cherry on top. Enthusiastic affirmative consent, that’s me.”
“Then take off your weird-ass gimp costume and get on the bed. I don’t know why you wore it in the first place. You knew this wasn’t a damn job.”
“Well, you make so many kinky-sex references about my awesome super-suit, I thought you might be into it. Are you gonna turn the light off?”
“Wasn’t planning on it.”
Wade hesitated, fingers playing with the fastenings on his suit. “Are you… uh… are you sure? Wouldn’t want you to go blind in your cool glowy eye.”
Cable stared at him, honestly confused, for several seconds. Why the hell was Wade suddenly nervous? Then it clicked. This dumb fucking century and its obsession with looks. He stepped right into Wade’s personal space and gave him some of that heavy eye contact that was somehow turning into his trademark. “Your scars don’t scare me, handsome. I don’t give a fuck. Your girl may have set this up, but she didn’t talk me into shit. God help me, I want this.” He ran his hands up Wade’s sides, leaned in close…
There was a knock at the door. “What in the ass! Whoever that is, your timing fucking sucks!”
Cable smirked at him as he went to answer the door. “Relax. You’re gonna like this.” An unmistakable seven-foot-tall figure ducked awkwardly through the doorway.
“Colossus?! You’re joining this party?!”
“Yes. If you do not object, Wade.”
“Object? What am I, crazy? Not in this continuity! Oh my god, I can’t believe this. Two metal boys, one Deadpool. Is it my birthday or something?”
Cable frowned at him. “...Yes.”
“Oh shit, you’re right! Best birthday ever.”
“Piotr, I thought we’d be further along by now, but maybe you can help Wilson over there get his dick out.” Cable took his T-shirt off and Wade tried not to let his jaw actually drop.
Colossus gently stroked his gigantic fingers down Wade’s cheek, smiling at him. “Are you ready, Wade?”
“I think so… your real name’s Piotr?”
“What the hell, Wilson? You don’t know your friends’ names?”
“Everyone uses their codenames all the time in this franchise! Even in the credits! How was I supposed to know? I don’t know your name either, Winter Soldier.”
“I’m not telling you my name. It could cause a paradox.”
“Ooh, mysterious.” He moved his attention back to the Iron Giant caressing his face. “Should I call you Colossus or Piotr?”
“You may call me whatever you wish, Wade. ‘Colossus’ is perhaps, a little formal for bedroom situation.”
Wade wanted to say “or a little silly” but just barely bit his tongue. He didn’t want to do or say anything to make Colossus stop touching him so sweetly. Wade took the top of his costume part of the way off. He paused. “You’re sure this mess isn’t gonna bother you?”
“Of course not, Wade. It is our differences that make us beautiful.”
“Oh my god. That’s so cheesy but I know you really mean it. Piotr… I’m so surprised you’re here. You seem like too much of a Boy Scout of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics to agree to something like this.”
“I was… uncertain. I care for you very much, Wade, but you have fiancée. I did not think it was right. And the idea of other person being involved too shocked me. But I had long conversation with Vanessa. Very long. I feel comfortable, now. I want to do this for you, Wade. With you.”
“Oh, wow do I love that woman! ♥”
“...How the hell did you do that?”
“It’s easy in a text-based medium, Cable, it’s just Alt + 3.”
“...Forget it. Why am I the only one in this threesome who’s fucking naked?”
“EXCELLENT question, Cable! I’m on it! Get outta here, pants!!”
Colossus also began shedding his X-Men uniform. “I can’t help but notice you didn’t give Piotr any shit about showing up in his super-suit,” Wade pointed out.
“Yeah, because HE has to wear HIS for his day-job, which he just came from expressly to fuck your ungrateful mouthy ass, whereas YOU put on YOURS to come here for a social call after sitting on your ass in your boxers for the past week.”
“Hey! I’ll have you know I’m EXTREMELY grateful, and I also can’t believe Vanessa told you about the secret life I lead when I’m TEMPORARILY unemployed and using the time off to renew my appreciation for Bea Arthur’s acting talents.”
“Vanessa didn’t tell me SHIT, handsome. It’s obvious to anyone who’s been around you more than five minutes how you spend your time off the clock.”
Colossus put up his hands in a pacifying gesture, looking distressed at the mild dissent between his-- what? Coworkers? Friends? Probable soon-to-be sexual partners?
Wade waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry, Piotr. I’ve read a LOT of comic books. The heroes always fight each other before they team up against the ‘bad guy.’ The bad guy being, in this case, my metaphorical chastity belt. Which is a really easy villain to defeat right now, since I’m NAKED.”
Cable smirked again, which-- ugh-- should be FUCKING ILLEGAL, and held up a tube of lubricant he’d gotten from who-knew-where. “Are you ready yet, Wade?”
GOD, was he ever. Wade enthusiastically jumped up onto the bed and laid himself out on his back, legs spread. Colossus laid down next to him, head propped up on his arm and gently stroking Wade’s shoulder. He was so wonderfully huge and heavy that the mattress dipped unavoidably to the side, sliding Wade off-balance and into Piotr. They both scrambled a little, leaning on each other heavily as Cable climbed onto the mattress and scooted up close.
Cable held himself up with his metal arm-- therefore the one he would NOT be using to get intimately familiar with Wade’s insides, boo hiss!-- and started brushing his real-boy slicked-up fingers right up between Wade’s thighs. Fuck. Fuck, that already felt really good and Cable hadn’t even--
“Cable! God! Oh my god, that’s your finger in my asshole, holy fuck, please don’t stop, do it harder, give me another one--!”
“Fuckin’ knew you’d love this shit,” Cable muttered, leaning down to kiss Wade hard on the mouth. As he pulled back Wade was already whimpering, reaching up to grab Piotr’s chin and pull him down. Cable pushed Wade’s thigh up and back and started sliding into him slowly but firmly, Wade’s hands grasping at his shoulders frantically as he moaned passionately into Piotr’s mouth.
Cable started fucking into Wade a little harder, a little faster, wanting to refocus Wade’s attention on him as Wade continued to kiss Colossus desperately. He ran his metal hand up Wade’s thigh and stroked it lightly along his erection. Wade suddenly gasped and jerked, coming all over himself.
“Wade. Are you--”
“Fine, great, fantastic, don’t stop, don’t you fucking stop.”
So he didn’t. Cable gave it to Wade as hard as he dared, and then a little harder once he remembered the man had a deeply perverted mind and a healing factor. Wade took it like a champ, gasping and moaning so loudly Cable would have been sure he was faking it, except that Wade didn’t have a single deceptive bone in his body. “Cable! Yes, fuck me harder, that’s so fucking good… Piotr, don’t scold me for my language this time, okay? ‘Cause you’ll definitely make me come again and I don’t want Cable to feel insecure about how young and virile I am.”
Colossus blushed; Cable rolled his eyes. “You’re not virile, dumbass, you just have an overactive healing factor and no self-control.”
“Mmm, I am loving the dirty talk, Terminator, keep it up.”
Despite Wade’s best efforts, Cable was getting close. He hiked Wade’s leg even farther back, spreading him wide, and started pounding him deep. As he felt his orgasm begin to close in on him, Cable couldn’t help noticing Colossus holding Wade’s hand and gently kissing his neck. Shit, the guy really was too sweet to be messing around with either of them. Then, before he could think any more about it, Wade groaned deep in the back of his throat and clenched hard around him, and Cable was done. He shuddered through his orgasm, grasping blindly at Wade and probably Colossus too, until he could finally control his own breathing again.
As he pulled out and collapsed on the thin sliver of available bed, Cable was dimly aware of Wade snaking an arm around his and Colossus’ shoulders and letting out a fulfilled sigh. “Deadpool sandwich. Yum.” For an entire half-second, Cable felt the wild urge to giggle. Dear God, it was contagious.
Wade tapped his fingers against Colossus’ back-- Cable could hear the metallic clink-- and said “you’re up, slugger.”
Colossus caressed his face. “Wade. Are you sure? You have already done much tonight. I do not wish to hurt you.”
“You won’t, big guy. C’mere. Let’s get that metal dick wet.”
Cable fumbled around in the sheets until he found the lube, and tried to discreetly pass it to Colossus. It didn’t work at all-- Colossus said “thank you, Cable,” as formally as if he’d passed him the salt at a dinner party, and Wade said “good lookin’ out, babe!” while giving him a loud kiss on the cheek. It was all right, though. Cable felt like the ability to feel embarrassment had been temporarily burned out of him. Wade tended to have that effect on people who didn’t actively want to kill him.
Wade “helped” Colossus with the lube while Cable “tried” not to sneak a peek. (Fuck off, so he was curious. You would be, too. And it was pretty fucking impressive, thanks for asking. No wonder the guy was so calmly confident all the time.) Piotr covered Wade’s mouth with his own and gently pushed into him. Wade moaned softly and struggled to wrap his arms around Piotr’s massive shoulders. Piotr put his lips to Wade’s ear and murmured something too quietly for Cable to hear-- maybe English, maybe Russian. He sped up his slow, sensual thrusts just slightly and Wade squeaked. Watching the two of them, Cable wondered if he’d been too rough with Wade—but no, Wade had loved it rough. Apparently he loved it slow and gentle, too.
Wade matched the volume of Colossus’ whispers for a while, but as they kept at it he grew steadily louder. “Piotr, you’re so deep, oh god, it feels so big, you’re gonna make me come, I need to come so fucking bad, please please please...”
“Language, please...”
“Oh, no...”
“Oh, yes, Wade.” Colossus pinned Wade’s hands to the bed so he couldn’t touch himself and thrust all the way in, grinding against him tortuously. “You may not finish unless you do so without cursing.”
Cable stared at them, enthralled. He’d seriously underestimated Colossus. For Wade, this was far crueler than a little rough sex. Could he do it? Was it even possible?
“I-- I-- I-- ngghh… oh, fuck...”
“Oh, so close.” Colossus pulled back just enough, and Wade let out a near-scream of frustration.
“Cable! Do something!”
“Like what? All you have to do is stop swearing, Wade. It’s not that difficult.”
“You fffff… you effing hypocrite! You swear more than I do and you barely even talk!”
Cable chuckled. “Yeah.”
Colossus leaned down to murmur in Wade’s ear again, grinding steadily. “Be good for me, Wade. You can do it.”
“Ohhhh god… please please please please please plEASE PLEASE YES yes yesssss...” He shuddered violently through his orgasm, almost crying in relief.
Colossus gave a deep moan of satisfaction, finishing inside him while kissing him warmly. He lay back down next to Wade, who briefly popped up on his elbow to give one more kiss to Cable, too.
“Ohhh, wow. That was amazing. That was incredible. Uncanny. Superior. All the other adjectives we use in the titles. So much fucking fun. This is the best birthday ever. Did I already say that? I don’t care, it bears repeating. So, you guys are coming to my bachelor party, right? I don’t have a date or a time or a location yet. Or have a date set for the wedding. But you’re coming, right? Nothing crazy, no strippers, just you guys. And Vanessa. I know it’s not traditional to have the bride at the bachelor party, but we’ve never been a very traditional couple. It might sound like I’m inviting you to a foursome but it’s actually a super normal event. So? Are y’all in?”
“Fine, Wilson.”
“Of course, Wade.”
“♥♥♥”
“… I still don’t understand how the fuck you’re doing that.”