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It’s lunch time.
Jesse’s left his car keys in his trailer. Andrew had been hanging out with him, in his personal space because it’s Andrew.
“Dang, I forgot my cell. It’s in my jacket pocket. Can ya get it for me while you’re at it?”
It has taken Jesse some time to get used to Andrew’s mix of British and American slang and his reversion to a stronger British accent when work is over. (Andrew is very considerate because he doesn’t switch accents between shoots but he can’t help but sound more British when he’s tired and when he’s not actively projecting ‘Eduardo’.) Now Jesse has apparently been conditioned to associate British and Andrew with time off. So sometimes he gets excited about British-isms and British things. There are worst things to be than an Anglophile. Andrew grows on you. It’s hard to dislike a guy that’s so nice and trusting. (He’s the type of guy who would hand over his wallet so you could look through it. He’s given Jesse a copy of his room keycard. Case in point, he just told Jesse to go through his pockets.)
Jesse sticks his hand in the left pocket and finds the crumpled cigarette pack. He knows Andrew is thinking of quitting to get fit for his Spider-Man role. (Well his agent probably suggested it but Andrew is an agent’s wet dream. He’s easygoing and does as he’s told; Andrew doesn’t step out of line. If he does, he is discreet about it.) Feeling like a snoop but unable to resist it, he shakes the packet. It makes a dull sound. Jesse opens it. There’s one in the pack, it’s a little bent. Jesse has a sudden thought of stealing it, wondering if Andrew’s lips have been there. Jesse puts the pack back where he found it and retrieves the missing cell phone.
Jesse is curious. Andrew is a pretty open guy. So while they are eating, Jesse says casually, “Thought you were quitting smoking.”
Andrew looks a little guilty and shifts in his seat. “I am.” Jesse must have found the cigarette pack he still keeps in his pocket. He’s even more aware of the craving lurking underneath his skin now that Jesse mentioned it. He feels irrationally angry at Jesse bringing it up because it’s like being made aware of a mosquito bite, it itches. Irritation bubbles with the need. His fingers feel bereft. Andrew wants a drink except he doesn’t think he should replace one addiction with another.
Jesse aims a piercing look, his eyes a clear and very blue.
“Just put it down as another one of my neuroses ok?” Andrew snaps defensively, his temper converging on Jesse. What the fuck. He has to bite back the words ‘this is none of your business’ because Jesse does care. Jesse is unapologetic about it (like Mark, his mind supplies rather unhelpfully) and it’s one of the things that Andrew loves him for when he’s not opening Andrew’s Box of Issues. He is probably overreacting. Okay, not probably, he is.
Jesse continues to look at him with an unimpressed stare, arms crossed. He doesn’t need to say anything.
“I’m sorry, Jess,” Andrew says finally (it never takes him very long to give in to Jesse – he shares this in common with Eduardo), running his hand through his hair. “It’s just- I can’t explain it.” He sighs and changes course, hoping he can beg off for now. “It’s only been a few days. I’m a little on edge.”
(Andrew likes to keep the pack in his pocket. To remind him that it’s his choice. He can smoke if he wants to, he just chooses not to. Sometimes, when he’s not around people he knows or when he’s alone, he likes to tap it out. He holds the cigarette between his fingers, his lips and imagines smoking it. It’s a stupid thing but he thinks that if something happens like the world ends or whatever, he’d like to smoke a fucking cigarette. So he flirts with smoking it without actually doing it.)
Brushing the curls away from his face, Jesse nods. “I get like that sometimes.”
A day later, Andrew finds a whole basket of nicotine patches, packs of gum, lozenges and pamphlets on ways to quit smoking. On top of it is a note, “Didn’t know what you needed so I got the lot.” It’s unsigned but the handwriting is unmistakably Mark’s. Jesse’s. Same difference.
“Hey, thanks,” Andrew says when Jesse drops him off. (Jesse has said that he doesn’t need to thank him every time but his mother has taught him good manners so he does.) He has one leg out of the car when he realizes he should probably be more specific. Andrew sits back with the door open. “For the stuff. Smoking stuff. You know. Everything.”
Jesse smiles, his dimples showing. “I know what you meant.”
Andrew closes the door. He has to slam it twice because Jesse’s car is old. It feels rude. “Sorry,” he says, ducking his head.
“Hey,” Jesse says before lowering his voice, “Keep at it and I might get you something better.” He says it like a dare.
Andrew’s brain whites out. Andrew thinks he might have imagined Jesse licking his lips. It’s probably just the unique Eisenberg brand of humor. He’s just fucking with him. There’s no way Jesse just propositioned him on the condition of quitting smoking because things like that don’t happen in the real world.
(If Andrew is extra conscientious about quitting smoking, no one would believe the source to his secret power. He’s been bitten alright.)
The day Andrew goes from the coward’s pre-quitting patches to the actual quitting patches, Andrew is jittery. It doesn’t help that he is dressed up for Caribbean night and it’s cold. He rubs his arms. His muscles are starting to cramp and he is going to get fucking frostbite.
“You alright?” Jesse says between a take, his breath is coming out in small puffs. He’s looking at Andrew intensely.
Andrew feels weak at the knees. He stamps his feet. “Yep. Just can’t feel my legs.”
Jesse says, “I know.” He smirks, his mouth red and inviting.
Andrew is staring. He wonders if Jesse has been at the Twizzlers again. His lips look really red. He starts to imagine what Jesse would taste like before mentally slapping himself. Andrew blames the alcohol he’s been drinking even though it’s piss weak beer. (He has few vices left so he thought ‘fuck it’). He totally should have gone for the fake beer. Maybe he’s had a few too much without realizing. It all adds up right?
“Alright! Mark and Eduardo, let’s go again!” David says.
Mercifully after nine more takes, Andrew gets to change into warmer clothes for the dorm scenes. Jesse corners him in his trailer just as he’s pulled his shirt on. Jesse does up the buttons then he undoes two of them, pulling his collar open. Andrew tries to do it back up but Jesse slaps his hand away. He grabs Andrew by his shirt with his left hand, his right fisted in his hair to pull him closer and presses his mouth against Andrew’s lips. At first, Andrew is frozen, surprised, but Jesse licks the corner of his mouth, nipping insistently at his lower lip and Andrew opens for him. Jesse tastes sweet like Twizzlers with the tang of Red Bull. Jesse is the Mark to his Eduardo. Andrew’s tongue dives in and they tangle once, twice before Jesse pushes him away gently, a hand just slipping in the gap of his shirt, cool fingers on his now heated skin. Andrew’s heartbeat quickens.
“There, that’ll take your mind off it. Think about not being able to have that if you had a smoke.”
Then Jesse gets called away by a runner. Andrew looks in the mirror and tries to fix his hair before the Hair and Makeup department kills him.
He gets dreams about Jesse riding him, him fingering Jesse, him fucking Mark on in the Facebook office, him sucking Columbus off while he’s serving away from a horde of zombies, him getting his brains fucked out in an impossible MarkColumbusWaltJesse combination. It’s both fucked up and fucking awesome. He feels like a horny teenager. Either he wakes up in the morning with a raging hard on that could put an eye out or he wakes up in the middle of the night sweating, heart racing and a hard on that could salute the Queen. No matter what, he’s awake and craving Jesse even more than he craves cigarettes and it’s insane. He feels like he can’t get to sleep, he twitches in bed doing sideway starfishes to try and get rid of the excess energy. When that doesn’t work, he jerks off and it takes the edge off a little but he still wants to call Jesse. At 3am. Which Jesse probably won’t appreciate. (Mark would probably still be up coding, his brain adds unhelpfully). Andrew makes sure to put the phone away from his person just in case. Huh. His stamina must have improved because he’s already half-hard again.
(He figures that if Jesse is going to motivate him by teasing him, he should be okay with him masturbating to him. He has been jacking off to MarkColumbusWaltJesse pretty much every night but he doesn’t feel too bad. Except maybe when he was jerking off to Daniel. It seemed a bit off. Anyway, Mark would totally not mind Eduardo doing it. As Eduardo, he has a hard on for Mark for at least ninety percent of the movie. Which means he pretty much has a hard on for Jesse all the time. Andrew doesn’t mind. It’s more inconvenient. Wardrobe is really going to kill him but they’ll have to get in line behind Hair and Makeup.)
In between sleeping badly and marathon self-love sessions, Andrew is exhausted and worn out. They had to film the “I was your only friend” scene, doing the take over and over. It’s no different from your usual Fincher day but he’s had to start and stop crying and he’s just over it. Finally when he says the line flatly because he’s tired, David says, “Cut! Good job.”
Andrew apologizes to the crew after just in case he’s been a dick. They’re doing their jobs and he’s doing his but he’s drained. He’s probably been glaring at them (especially when he can see the ones that are going to have a smoke break). It’s not an excuse. When he can’t stop thinking about what Eduardo would do, he makes himself say, “Andrew Andrew Andrew,” under his breath several times. Then he looks around and hopes that no one saw that because he is Not Himself.
When they are done, it’s late in the evening and they are free to go. He and Jesse are in the dealing with worst parts of emotional transference right now since the deposition scenes are grueling. Andrew doesn’t care (ok he does care but the Mark/Eduardo is a huge cockblock and it’s driving him up the wall). He wants to hang out anyway (tell him he forgives him, make up, have glorious make up sex). But it’s not fair to Jesse and they need time to adjust. Personally. Professionally. It always gets a bit mixed up when you really feel for a character. (He is feeling irrationally jealous of Eduardo, the real one. Sure it would have sucked to go through the lawsuit but at least it’s over for him and he only had to do everything once through each time. He has to relive the worst bits over and over until it’s good or bad enough for David. That and he’s not getting 600 million dollars out of it. But then again, he doesn’t have to lose his best friend. He goes back to feeling sorry for Eduardo and for himself.)
He should probably sleep. He’s in that mood when he’s tired but restless. The nighttime shoots earlier on in the week did not help. Andrew does as many jumping jacks on the bed as he can before his legs feel all rubbery and flops back on the bed with a groan, panting loudly as he tries to catch his breath. He doesn’t care if he sounds like he’s having sex because having sex is normal and good and why hasn’t he had any sex? When Andrew’s spent an hour an a half alternatively looking at the clock counting seconds and staring at the ceiling in frustration, he allows himself a moment of relief and jerks off. Less than half an hour later, he surrenders to his insistent dick and jerks off again, fisting his cock roughly enough that it kind of hurts. Even then he can still feel the buzz of energy flowing through him like he’s wired in. He gives up on sleep altogether and gets out of bed. The room smells like sex. There’s nothing on TV except infomercials and skin channels and he is not going there. Andrew takes out his laptop.
He googles the sleeping thing out of interest and it turns out that sleep disturbance (“…vivid, colorful dreams and difficulty sleeping…”) can be a “strange” side-effect of using 24 hour nicotine patches. He wasn’t reading the instructions that carefully because seriously it’s a patch, what could be in it? Apparently nicotine. Hah. Since he doesn’t smoke when he’s asleep like a normal human being, he’s getting way too much nicotine from the smoking cessation aid. The irony is not funny. Still, it’s good to know he didn’t just regress in age and/or go crazy.
He switches to the 16 hour patches. The dreams stop. It still helps to jerk off before sleeping. It’s not as much of a relief as he’d like. The 16 hour patch leaves him irritable in the morning, craving a cigarette, craving so much. Nothing really helps, he just has to grit his teeth and bear it. He’s taken to cold morning showers since lately masturbating leaves him wanting more. His dick aches for real contact and he really, really needs to get laid. Plus, he figures he shouldn’t get addicted to Jesse. It’s not fair to Jesse and there aren’t any patches for that.
Every time he sees Jesse, there’s a bit of tension pulling inside him. (Apparently “racing heartbeat, anxiety, chest pain” are also side-effects. So he blames the patch.) He’s happy but he gets the sense that it won’t last and they are drifting apart already. Things like time and place are slipping from him. All he knows is he wants. Eduardo wants. He feels like a mess of want inside. Times like this he really wishes he had someone, anyone. Or not, because that would make him a cheating douchebag. Really, he just wishes he for-
He’s not obsessed about Jesse. The mere idea of addiction is painful. Kicking smoking is messing him up. He tells himself he’s just trying to get to know his co-star by watching all of his previous works repeatedly. It’s dedication. If he maybe adds some of the footage to his wank bank, it’s not hurting anyone and it helps with the stress ok? His schedule has been hectic. Having Eduardo’s issues added on top of his own not insignificant pile is really stressful.
(When he jerks off, he’s Eduardo and he’s thinking about Mark Zuckerberg. He comes hard, thinking about blue eyes.)
Andrew has no idea how Jesse knows because it’s not like he talks about it all the time but at the eight week mark, when Andrew is feeling like it’s too hard, Jesse…helps. Normally if it feels too hard Andrew would take a break, smoke a cigarette and chillax. But he can’t because he’s trying to quit and it’s making everything hard. He’s stuck between a nicotine patch and a lawsuit.
So Andrew’s standing there playing with the cigarette, opening and closing the packet. He’s had a lozenge, it tasted feral and nothing like any cherry he’s ever tasted (not even in cough syrup). He wanted to spit it out but the lozenges have a pleasant tingle that the nicotine gum doesn’t. He’s chewing normal gum (mint flavor to get rid of the cherry taste) just so he can do something with his mouth but he still wants. He craves. Lately it feels like all he feels is want and he never gets. He is never sated. The cravings consume. He wonders if he’ll crave the cravings next.
(The worst part of it is sometimes when he comes, he feels the sting of regret – the what ifs, could haves that he is sure is not entirely his own. It’s probably the character bleed from Eduardo but Andrew feels it all the same.)
(Eduardo’s sensibilities are his biggest problem, Andrew thinks. He’s spent a long time analyzing Eduardo as a character and he feels a strange sense of entitlement. In his opinion, Eduardo should have just gone for it. There was one time when Andrew was really tempted to try and find where in Singapore Eduardo lived and to tell him that he should make things right with Mark because Mark is too stubborn to make the first move. Andrew might have been slightly drunk but still. Then again, Andrew can’t really judge because he hasn’t had the balls to go for it with the person that he keeps jacking off to. The misery is at least helping his Eduardo performance.)
Jesse slips next to him. “Hey,” he says, easing the cigarette and the worn cardboard box out of Andrew’s hand. He put the cigarette back and slips it into the pocket of Andrew’s suddenly too tight pants, hand lingering just a little too long.
“Hi.” Andrew is hyperventilating a little because if Jesse had decided to put it in his back packet, he would have been cupping Andrew’s ass. As it is, a hand’s breadth more to the right and Jesse would have gotten a more enthusiastic welcome.
“I’m here for you,” Jesse says with a barely suppressed smirk. His eyes are a bright, beautiful blue.
Andrew didn’t even need to say “I need you.” (Jesse makes a pretty good Eduardo. Andrew knows he’d suck at being Mark. He worries way too much about coming off as an asshole.) Andrew can’t remember what the next line is. It doesn’t matter because Jesse hands are on him, palming his dick and it feels awesome.
Then Jesse drops to his knees and gives Andrew the most mind-blowing blowjob ever. (Like Eduardo in The Bathroom Blowjob Scene but better because it’s the real thing. Filming sex scenes are always frustrating because they are a tease but that scene was the biggest one, having Jesse next to him and hearing him make sex noises.)
Jesses bobs up and down expertly for a while before taking Andrew in deeper. Andrew tries not to hold his hair too tightly but he really just wants to fuck Jesse’s face. Andrew bangs his head on the wall when he notices that they’re both in their deposition gear. (Winklevii deposition gear.)
“Hafta- I’m gonna-” he manages to get out and Jesse-who-is-the-God-of-Blowjobs doesn’t pull off so then he comes down Jesse’s throat, biting down hard on his lip.
After swallowing all of it, Jesse blows on Andrew once, twice with his breath and watches him shiver. Then he pats his dick lightly with his sleeve before carefully tucking Andrew back in and zipping him up. Jesse swipes his chin carelessly with the back of his hand. He doesn’t check in the mirror like even though ‘Mark Zuckerberg’ might be attending a lawsuit with cum smeared on his face. “Looks like you’re ready to step up.”
Andrew finds his voice. He gets out, “Thanks, um,” feeling even less eloquent than usual. Belatedly, he thinks he should probably reciprocate and he makes a vague gesture in Jesse’s direction but Jesse shakes his head and half-smiles, somehow managing to look self-satisfied without being asshole-y. “This was for you.”
The next morning, Andrew goes for the 10 mg patch with a grin. One more month.
When Andrew sticks the patch on in the mornings, it’s almost mundane. He’ll be free from smoking and the cravings soon. Three more weeks.
Andrew is still tempted sure but knows he can fight it. It is not easier exactly but he can draw on the fact that he has not given in so far. He can overcome it. That and Jesse is an incredibly good motivator (motivation even). Yet lately dread overrides the excitement. Smoking used to be safe and now quitting smoking is safe. He almost worries he’ll have nothing to go on after this. Nothing to bond him and Jesse.
Andrew hasn’t even reached for the cigarette pack in his pocked but he has a new temptation. He’s been toying with the idea of relapsing. On purpose.
(He doesn’t know if he can bring himself to smoke a cigarette now, so close to the finish line. He’s scared if he does, it’ll mean he can never kick the habit. He’s also read the pamphlets and they tell you if you smoke while on the patch, you can overdose, make yourself really sick and you can die. He really wants to impress Jesse but he also wants to keep Jesse. Just for a little longer. But faking a relapse is a dishonest thing to do and it goes against everything he believes in. For this fight, he has nothing to draw on, whatever this is between him and Jesse, he’s never had this before.)
(If he gives in and Jesse finds out, maybe he never will. He’ll never get to find out what could be. Jesse deserves better than a liar, a cheat.)
One break, Jesse says almost randomly as he’s flipping through the script, “Oh and don’t even think about it. I’ll know.”
Jesse could have been talking about anything but his eyes flicker ever so slightly to Andrew’s pocket. At least Andrew tells himself it’s his pocket (he has an urge to check that his fly isn’t undone but it’ll look like he’s touching himself while talking to Jesse and what if someone pops up from nowhere and takes a picture of that???) So Jesse is kind of sort of threatening him and there must be something wrong with him because his mind perceives it as flirting. Andrew can’t help pushing it a bit. “And what would you do about it?” He gets an absurd (absurdly hot) image of Jesse spanking him. He can’t even blame the patch. This is just his dirty mind.
“I’ll call your personal trainer.”
Andrew winces. “Got it,” he says quickly. (Way to get turned off. He files away this for future reference next to his parents having sex and Justin’s gross jokes.) “Not even going to think about it.”
“Good.” Jesse jerks his head up once and then scribbles something on his notepad.
At two weeks to go on the 5mg patch, Andrew is somewhat disappointed Jesse doesn’t do anything. Well anything sexual that is. But he feels pretty great about himself. (That’s what counts right?)
Jesse is smiling at him. He hands Andrew a frozen yogurt because Andrew has to be careful of what he eats. They are watching a movie together. Andrew has no idea what the movie is about. He’s hoping that the movie will disguise the fact that he’s just trying to watch Jesse. Jesse who is fidgeting and shifting in his spot. At first Andrew thought maybe Jesse caught him staring (but Jesse would have to be staring back at him for that and Jesse is watching the movie). He can feel Jesse moving, their thighs are touching. Every time Jesse moves, he can feel him rub against him and Andrew can’t stop thinking about the other ways to make this happen.
On screen the actors start having sex (why didn’t he pick something cute and animated?) It’s tender with barely any nudity or movement, just a gentle rocking of two bodies against each other. He’s never been a prude and he’s watched movies that have had sex in them with company but this time it feels weird, different. He’s hyperaware of Jesse. Jesse who is right next to him. Jesse who is alternatively picking and chewing his nails, averting his eyes from the screen. Andrew can feel the waves of secondhand embarrassment radiating from him. He wants to crawl in a hole somewhere.
“This was a bad idea.” Andrew turns it off.
“No, it’s okay,” Jesse protests. “You didn’t have to do that. I just, you know I don’t usually watch TV or movies.”
“So you said yes just because I asked?” Andrew says.
“Uh,” Jesse says, scratching the back of his neck. “Yes?”
“That’s sweet,” Andrew says. “I have a better idea,” he says, his hand creeping up Jesse’s thigh. Jesse’s eyes are wide and his mouth opens slightly, forming a beautiful oval shape. When Jesse doesn’t stop him, he kisses Jesse’s jean-clad knee softly before kneeling between his legs.
Jesse lets Andrew unzip him and pull him out so it’s at eye-level. Jesse’s dick is graceful, curving proudly. Andrew has wanted to do this all night. He has fantasized about this moment even since Jesse went down on him and now that it’s here, he doesn’t want to disappoint. He wants something in his mouth. Andrew licks the tip, savoring the taste of Jesse. His mouth feels full and it’s nice. He swallows him down as much as he can, keeping his hand at the base. He likes co-coordinating his mouth and fingers. It calms him.
Jesse comes quietly. It’s pretty much enough to make Andrew come. That and the taste of Jesse on his tongue. Jesse draws Andrew up gently and kisses him.
“Thanks,” Jesse says to the corner of his mouth. (Andrew’s inner-Eduardo does a victory dance.)
Filming is almost over. For Andrew, it’ll be over sooner than it is for Jesse. Jesse has a few more days to do because he’s Mark and because he’s Jesse. Andrew can’t believe it’s been almost half a year. He couldn’t have imagined this. This quiet and happy domesticity of being in each other’s company and space. They can do stupid stuff together and it’s fun. Maybe there are moments in which Andrew wonders what it is that’s going on. (Then he wonders if Eduardo ever wondered too about himself and Mark but that’s another story.) Andrew decided, a long time ago, that he would be happy with whatever comes. What they have is easy, unique. He doesn’t want to make it hurt or ruin it. He never takes any moment for granted. He’s happy. They have wound themselves around each other lives like the cats at Jesse’s place. Independent, yes, but desiring more contact than they’ll admit to. (Jesse’s cats are temperamental but they love being stroked and told that they’re beautiful. They love to snuggle up to Andrew when they think he’s not paying attention. Jesse’s cats remind him of Jesse. Andrew happens to know that Jesse curls up like a cat in the sun when he’s sleeping. He also sprawls out on the couch when he’s relaxed.)
(It’s not like Andrew doesn’t want to smoke, still but it doesn’t feel as important. It’s one of many things he wants. When he prioritizes it like that, it’s almost insignificant. He’s calmed down too. The mess of want has untangled to a soft, steady stream and Andrew’s okay. He can live with that.)
Andrew lifts up the hem of his shirt to show Jesse the patch. “I won’t need it anymore!” he says excitedly.
“Great. Let’s make love not lung cancer,” Jesse deadpans.
Andrew bursts out laughing. There can never been too much Eisenberg humor. “God, I love you,” he says and it feels right because he does.
Jesse raises his eyebrows and closes his hand on top of Andrew’s just as Andrew is about to let his shirt drop. He pulls it up so it reveals Andrew’s rather new awesome six-pack. Jesse hums in approval. “Hold it there,” Jesse says with an edge of command though a dimple is showing.
Andrew nods dumbly.
Jesse kisses Andrew’s stomach, giving him a tiny kitten lick then blowing. Andrew can feel shivers go down his spine. His dick is so hard and he’s desperate for friction but it seems kind of rude to try to rub himself off on Jesse. He holds himself back, a loud whimper escaping from his throat. Jesse’s teeth graze the skin around the patch and Andrew’s knees are seriously going to give out. Jesse licks around the patch and then he’s nuzzling it. Andrew has no idea what Jesse is doing but he wants Jesse, his mouth.
“Ready?” Jesse says, mouthing his skin.
“Yes,” Andrew says, needy.
Jesse rips the patch off Andrew’s hip with his teeth.
Andrew lets out a strangled sound.
Jesse is smirking at him. He takes the patch out of his mouth between two fingers like he’s smoking it.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” Andrew says. He’s still hard as a rock.
Jesse pulls Andrew close again, reeling him in by his hips.
“Bed. Room,” Andrew manages to get out in between kisses.
They shed their clothes on the way.
When they get to the bedroom, Andrew is worried. Jesse still has his pants on.
“Are you sure?” (Andrew’s dick hates him right now. He thinks he maybe should have asked before he got naked.)
Jesse rolls his eyes and shoves Andrew backwards on the bed before shyly stepping out of his jeans. (He’s not wearing any underwear. Andrew’s brain is repeating it like a horny schoolboy who has seen real tits for the first time.)
Jesse is between his legs. He hunches over Andrew’s hip with his shock of curly hair and his lips latch on the place above his hipbone where the patch was. Andrew’s been moving the patch around like it says on the instructions (when he finally read them) but the skin is still sensitive. Jesse leaves a huge hickey there and then nips at the mark, it makes Andrew gasp and writhe. The spot tingles.
Andrew watches mesmerized as Jesse fucks himself with his fingers and then lowers himself on Andrew’s cock.
Andrew’s physical stamina is supposedly better but he comes embarrassingly quickly. In his defense, Andrew hasn’t gotten any in ages and its Jesse, the guy of his (wet) dreams. He begins to apologize when he slips out of Jesse but Jesse puts a finger on his lip before slipping the tip into Andrew’s mouth.
Then Jesse smiles and jerks off lazily, coming on Andrew’s chest. It’s the most beautiful thing.
“We did it,” Jesse announces afterwards like Mark on the phone.
Andrew turns to smile at him. “Yeah,” he breathes.
“Actually I did all the work.”
“You did, you definitely did,” Andrew concurs. “It was great, beautiful work.”
Jesse props himself up on one elbow. “Knew you could do it,” he says earnestly. “You’re going to be so great.”
Andrew knows he’s not talking about the sex. He brings his hand up to caress Jesse's face. It's cheesey but he has to say it, "You already are, Jess."
Jesse blushes, denial ready on his tongue.
"No, don't say you're not. If you get to say it so do I. You are brilliant and you will do great things." Andrew wants to say so many things like you amaze me and please believe me and you make me so happy, I can only hope to make you as happy as you make me. "And great people. Like me." Andrew can't stop the grin from spreading across his face.
(He realizes the next morning that it’s the first time in years he hasn’t had a post-coital cigarette. He hadn’t even thought about having one. He’s been thinking about Jesse. His smooth, pale skin. The elegant column of his neck. Slender thighs straddling him. Dusky pink nipples. Chocolate curls on his pillow. Jesse warm against him.)
When Andrew sees the first screening, he’s so excited. They’ve done something great. He can tell because he feels that tingle in him like after he did ‘Boy A’.
Even if the film ends on a rather melancholy and lonely note, he feels excited (and just a little hopeful that film will be a catalyst for Mark and Eduardo to reconnect and be friends again…stranger things have happened right? Andrew doesn’t think that he will ever be able to stop hoping on behalf of Eduardo. He wishes he could meet him.)
Andrew looks at Jesse who looks a bit freaked out. Andrew takes his hand and Jesse holds on for dear life. It actually hurts a bit but Andrew is glad he can be there for him.
“I thought David said- maybe they would- They didn’t use the 23rd take,” Jesse says haltingly, his words still catching up to him. “They did use the takes I recommended for the deposition room scenes though. I’m really surprised at the way it came together. I’m glad my therapist made me come.”
“I’m glad you came too. You were great.” He pokes Jesse in the side and he can’t not smile.
“Hey!” Jesse says, trying and failing to cover his giggle. “Andrew!”
Andrew gets another poke in before he has to dodge one from Jesse. “I’m really glad you came to watch it,” Andrew says sincerely. “I’m so proud of you.”
“So cheesey I can smell the parmesan,” Joe drawls. “Is it me or ‘Mark’ and ‘Eduardo’ need to get a room?”
Andrew and Jesse blush.
Armie, Josh, Justin and Joe laugh raucously.
“Be glad I didn’t start on the ‘he came for you’ jokes,” Joe gasps between rolling around in his char (how does he even do that?) while his eyebrows perform acrobatics.
Armie whacks Joe on the back of the head for Andrew. Andrew smiles gratefully. His face is still burning. Jesse is spluttering adorably.
(When he thinks of Jesse and him and it’s like almost a happy ending. Their own exclusive happy ending.)
They get really busy and after the post-production extras, interviews, the awards season with alternating celebratory and comfort sex, they drift. (It starts one morning when Andrew wakes up to find a note on his pillow telling him Jesse didn’t want to wake him up and he had to go). More like Andrew doesn’t want to hold on to Jesse because it isn’t fair (Jesse is under him and he wants to say- he wants and Jesse surges up to kiss him-) and Jesse…has Oscar-nominee things to do (“Hey Andrew,” Jesse says after a rather dull interview. “Yeah?” Andrew says, hopeful. Then Jesse’s cell goes off and Jesse has to take the call because it’s his agent). It’s part of the job. Jesse’s career is really taking off and Andrew is happy for him. Andrew understands. (“Sorry, I got pulled away. What were you going to say?” Andrew says, once he finds his way back to Jesse. “Nothing,” Jesse smiles, putting his arm around Andrew’s waist. Andrew returns the smile and the flashes go off). He does (Andrew gets a text on the way to Jesse’s favorite restaurant - Sorry I can’t make it tonight :( I got called to LA for an audition. Sorry for the late notice. Andrew curses and tells the taxi driver to take him home. He tells Jesse u dont hv 2 apologise, i understnd :) Gd luck! Not dat u need it! <3 Andrew deletes the heart, replaces it with a wink and then sends it off before he can change his mind again). He won’t be the one to hold Jesse back (he doesn’t call but neither does Jesse).
Eduardo, at least at some point, was in love with Mark (because who else checks their best friend’s blog at 2am in the morning to see if his best friend has broken up with his girlfriend?) Andrew is sure that he, at some point, was in love with Jesse. (Maybe is but it makes his stomach flip around more than swinging from building to building as Spider-Man). Peter Parker is in love with Gwen Stacy. So Andrew should be in love with Emma. He does love Emma. Like a sister because he doesn’t want to shag her. That would be wrong and Emma would probably punch him in the dick. These days, he doesn’t feel the want the same way as he did (look at me, I’m your best friend) but then again, he doesn’t feel the urge to smoke either. He still misses smoking when he’s hanging around the set during the standard ‘take ten’ break. It is then his mind wanders a bit, power bar in his mouth, trackies on.
He misses Jesse. They talk sometimes. More often than not, Andrew will get a text and he will wonder if he should reply straight away or whether he should wait a few hours because that way he won’t look so desperate (Google tells him that he should wait but that site was for teenage girls so he’s not sure that it applies to him). There is no way he’s letting Emma know (except that she does and she tells him with a patented rolls of her eyes, “That’s the seventh time you’ve taken your phone out. Just reply already!”)
They hung out once the three of them because Emma insisted (“Do you know how hard it is to organize these things?”) and it was fun (Jesse throws his head back when he laughs and Andrew can see the pale column of his throat like when-). Andrew felt awkward when they went their separate ways but it would have been more awkward not to.
(“It was good to see you,” Jesse says sincerely.
“Yeah,” Andrew says.
When Jesse hugs him, he feels the flutter of hope in his chest. He can smell Jesse’s shampoo and he holds on for a little longer than is necessary. Jesse seems surprised.
“Maybe you should come visit me,” Jesse says, voice muffled by Andrew’s coat. Andrew wonders if Jesse can hear his heart pounding.
“I’d like that.”)
Emma is a really good friend. They hang out. She is a great actor work with. She has a great sense of humor. When he flubs a line or forgets his accent because he’s tired, she takes it all in good stride (“You called me ‘Em Stacy’. Really, Andrew. Or should I take a leaf out of your book and try ‘Andrew Parker’?”). Afterwards, she’ll tell him not to be so hard on himself, he’s doing fine, no the director doesn’t hate him and no he isn’t going to get fired. Yes, it’s totally normal for an actor to feel like you are really just acting like you know what you are doing even if you don’t have a clue. It’s all acting clichés and she can’t really know that it’ll be okay but it’s comforting and he needs to hear it so badly. She’ll hug him and it’s not the same but he holds on until she pulls away enough to punch him in the shoulder. Then she’d tell him he owes her. (He really does.) He keeps thinking about how she’s going to work on ‘Zombieland 2’ next and she’ll be seeing Jesse every day. He is a tiny bit jealous. He misses Jesse.
“You should come visit,” Emma says in her boys-bow-to-me tone. “Jesse misses you too.” She drops this casually.
Andrew thinks it’s definitely not normal to have all the air get sucked out of your lungs with a statement like that.
She takes pity on him and continues, “Maybe we can get you to cameo as a cute zombie victim.”
“That’d be cool. I’d like that.” (All he can think of is maybe you should come visit me and Jesse in his arms.)
Filming for Spider-Man ends. He hasn’t had the urge in a while but today, it feels like too much. He wants and there are people looking and he’s going to be a role model. He feels an itch under his skin like a suit stretched too tight. He’s tired and before he knows it, he reaching for the packet in his pocket. He opens it. (He hasn’t got a light but he can probably bum one.) There’s no reason not to.
There’s a piece paper folded inside.
If you want to
Call me
- Jesse
The first line is almost half scribbled out then traced over again in a steady hand. Andrew feels like a rainbow burst inside him and everything is suddenly brighter and better somehow.
He didn’t notice Jesse putting the note in but maybe he didn’t notice a lot of things. Like how Jesse likes him back. Like how he, they have been kind of stupid and oblivious and it’s been there all along in his pocket. (He may have a new sense of sympathy for Mark because maybe it is possible not to know. He definitely knows now and maybe it’s enough. They are still young. Mark is younger than Jesse. They still have time.) For Andrew, it took roughly six months for his life to change forever. In the movie of the making of him and Jesse, which is the making of “The Social Network” now that he thinks about it, they are now doing a flashback to the ‘Jesse Goes Down on Him’ scene. (“I’m here for you,” Jesse says. Cut to: “This is for you.”)
“Hey,” Andrew says, one hand tucked awkwardly in his pocket. Watching Jesse in action never gets old.
“Been waiting for you to turn up,” Jesse says openly, a beautiful smile showing even through the layers of fake grime they put on his face. “I was going to call you to see if you got lost again.”
“That was once!” Andrew protests. “I’ll never live it down.”
Jesse coughs and changes the subject. “Almost a year huh?”
“Yeah,” Andrew grins, bouncing on the heels of his feet.
“Guess we should celebrate.” Jesse grabs the front of Andrew’s shirt, and pulls him in so his breath is warm on Andrew’s face. “Got this smoking hot idea which requires no actual inhalation of carcinogenic substances.”
Andrew’s brain helpfully translates it to: “I want to blow you and fuck your brains out.”
Somewhere in the course of quitting smoking and jonesing for Jesse, Andrew has become more in tune with the difference between wants and needs.
Andrew is writhing in the sheets, pushing down on Jesse’s fingers.
Jesse’s eyes are dark, his other hand gripping Andrew’s right thigh tightly. “I want you so much.”
It’s not his line, its Mark’s but it’s his story too now. He gets to decide what happens next. “I need you,” Andrew says with absolute trust. He trusts Jesse to understand, to know. He says it anyway. “I love you.”
(When he’s not around Jesse, all he wants to do is to be with him. When he’s around Jesse, there’s a rush and he’s weak and he can’t fight it. He doesn’t even want to. He wants more. He needs more. It feels like he can never have enough and yet Jesse is enough. It’s completely crazy and he is completely in love.
He takes comfort in the fact that Jesse is just as addicted. Andrew needs Jesse and Jesse needs him. Together they both get what they need.)
After round four (five if you count the dry orgasm), Jesse collapses diagonally on the pillow beside Andrew with chest-heaving breathlessness. “I don’t think I can get up, let alone get it up again,” Jesse admits.
Andrew unfolds himself and says, “I’m so glad I quit smoking.” He basks in the afterglow with Jesse for several minutes before stretching out the muscles in his arms and back. He pads over to the bathroom to clean himself up, bringing a warm cloth for Jesse.
Knowing that Jesse is completely wiped out, Andrew cleans him up gently, leaving kisses on damp skin.
Jesse sighs happily. He mumbles “I think I need to take up more cardio” before his eyes flutter shut.
(This is the Jesse Andrew loves best. Jesse, pressed up against him, boneless and sated. There is nothing Andrew wants in the world, nowhere he’d rather be when everything he could ever want is right here.)