Work Text:
DAVE: hey you around
DAVE: im fucked
DAVEPETA: B33 < yea im here!
DAVEPETA: B33 < whats up dave
DAVE: i tried the edibles you brought home
DAVE: im in bed and my legs melted i think
DAVE: the blankets are soaking up the leg goo
DAVEPETA: B33 < how many did you have???
DAVE: um
DAVE: they were pretty small so i had like 3 or 4 i think
DAVEPETA: B33 < *they giggle at how dumb their favorite cool guy is being*
DAVEPETA: B33 < just one is a full dose dummy
DAVEPETA: B33 < thats what you get fur not asking furst lmao!
DAVE: lesson learned
DAVE: this is my first time being high i dont think im ready for this
DAVE: it kinda feels like my spine is floating a few inches behind my back
DAVEPETA: B33 < h33h33! its pretty good right
DAVE: i guess so
DAVE: ive definitely never felt anything like it
DAVE: feels like im outside my body or something rn
DAVE: i think i dont mind that
DAVEPETA: B33 < hmmmmm
DAVE: i dont wanna be alone right now though its a little freaky
DAVEPETA: B(( < im sorry im with jade and tz right now dave
DAVEPETA: B// < i could come back but weve been planning this trip fur a while
DAVE: talking on here is enough
DAVEPETA: B33 < anything in purrticular you wanna talk about? B33
DAVE: maybe
DAVE: this shit has got me feeling kinda spiritual
DAVE: really stirring up my astral form and all that shit
DAVEPETA: B33 < i think thats good! it sounds good
DAVE: can i ask you a question that might be kind of shitty
DAVEPETA: B33 < go fur it h33h33
DAVE: why are you a happy person
DAVEPETA: B33 < *they raise a curious eyebrow at that question beclaws it is in fact kind of shitty*
DAVE: i mean like
DAVE: how do you do it
DAVE: because im not happy most of the time
DAVE: even though i feel like i should be
DAVEPETA: B33 < oh
DAVEPETA: B33 < ummmmm
DAVE: its a dumb question idc if you cant answer
DAVEPETA: B33 < its not dumb
DAVEPETA: B33 < it sounds like youre struggling with some purretty serious f33lings
DAVE: i dunno i guess i thought that once we beat the game and beat super buff clown skeleton richard garriott everything would just like
DAVE: come together somehow
DAVE: and id stop being depressed
DAVEPETA: B33 < we both know thats not how that shit works
DAVE: yeah it was dumb
DAVE: but i had to hold onto that to get through all that
DAVE: and now that its all over i dunno where to go from here
DAVE: i thought id feel more comfortable with myself but
DAVE: i think meeting that many different versions of yourself makes it really obvious when youre still not the person you want to be
DAVEPETA: B33 < wait
DAVEPETA: B33 < are you saying what i think youre saying
DAVE: what
DAVE: what do you think im saying
DAVEPETA: B33 < ummm
DAVEPETA: B33 < *they scrunch up their brow bc theyre real d33p in thought trying to find the right words to say*
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont want make assumptions beclaws we arent the same purrson
DAVEPETA: B33 < but ive had a lot of time to sift through the same 13 years of memories you had before you started playing sburb
DAVEPETA: B33 < realizing all the shit about those years that wasnt really me
DAVEPETA: B33 < and ive got a whole other set of memories that arent me too and its a lot to deal with
DAVEPETA: B33 < i guess im saying i know what not being who you want to be f33ls like and i dealt with that by being davepeta
DAVE: wish that was an option fur me
DAVEPETA: B33 < !
DAVE: fuck i didnt mean
DAVE: ugh i dont know what i meant
DAVE: look im dumb as shit and really stoned youre gonna have to put up with me saying some stupid stuff
DAVEPETA: B33 < its not stupid if its how you were f33ling in the moment
DAVEPETA: B33 < unfortunately though i spend purretty much all my time being me! i dunno if you can fit into the schedule anywhere
DAVE: heh
DAVE: im jealous of how happy you are i guess
DAVE: i wouldnt care if i had to stop being the dave of guy to be happy like that
DAVEPETA: B|| < seriously dave i cant tell if youre intentionally trying to drop hints or if youre totally oblivious to what it sounds like youre saying lol
DAVE: what
DAVEPETA: B33 < can we make this a group chat with rose
DAVE: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
DAVE: i dont know i dont really want her to start with her hack psych shit when im actually feeling kind of uncomfortably vulnerable
DAVEPETA: B33 < i think if i tell her what youre saying shell try not to step over any lines
DAVE: then
DAVE: sure i guess
---
ROSE: Hello, Dave. When Davepeta told me you were in the midst of a drug binge and identity crisis I came as fast as I could. I've brought all the equipment necessary to film the afterschool special, so we can warn the impressionable youths of Earth C about the dangers of the Devil's lettuce.
DAVE: dammit dp you said she was gonna take this seriously
DAVEPETA: B|| < rose! >B((
ROSE: Sorry. I had to get one jab in before we got into it.
DAVE: yeah whatever
DAVE: i get it id probably do the same
DAVE: only less pretentious and more gross
ROSE: Is it alright if I read over the logs of your chat? It would be faster than having you try to re-explain everything to me.
DAVEPETA: B33 < i say go fur it but its daves call
DAVE: yeah thats fine
ROSE: ...
ROSE: Hmm. I have to agree with Davepeta. It does feel like you're dropping hints, but knowing you I think it's equally likely you don't understand at all the implications of your choice of words.
DAVE: seriously what the fuck do you guys think im hinting at
ROSE: I'm going to attack this directly.
ROSE: Dave, have you ever thought about how you would look in a dress?
DAVE: what
DAVE: how is that relevant at all
DAVE: dammit you said she wasnt going to do her shitty shrink routine
ROSE: With all due respect to you, as someone who I have become comfortable with calling family over the years I've known you, and someone I love and care about deeply,
ROSE: Shut the fuck up.
ROSE: I am asking you a question that relates to my journey to adulthood in an incredibly personal way. A question that takes me back to a time in my life I don't like thinking about anymore. A question that lead to a lifesaving moment of self-discovery as I was coming into puberty.
DAVE: wait
DAVE: are you asking if im
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: no i dont think so
DAVE: but
DAVE: how are you supposed to know for sure
ROSE: I don't think every trans person knows for sure. For a lot of us it's a difficult thing we continue to struggle with, even long after we start making changes to become the person we want to be.
ROSE: But you could start by answering the question.
DAVE: i
DAVE: well after i met davepeta sure
DAVE: but isnt that like a natural thing to be curious about after meeting a sexy cat offshoot of yourself that looks good wearing basically anything
ROSE: Maybe.
ROSE: It doesn't have to mean anything deep.
ROSE: But that's where it started for me. Just curiosity.
ROSE: And curiosity turned into something more, as I realized maybe there was a root cause for why I felt like I couldn't be happy.
DAVEPETA: B// < i dont want to pull the i have most of the same memories as you card dave but youve definitely thought about that before m33ting me
DAVE: i dont remember that
DAVEPETA: B33 < i dont think you want to remember it
DAVEPETA: B33 < theres a lot i think you dont want to remember
DAVEPETA: B33 < the furst 13 years of your life were fucking horrible and sometimes your brain is going to k33p shit from you to k33p you from being hurt by it
DAVE: can we slow down
DAVE: this is fucking overwhelming right now and im still too high
ROSE: We can take as much time as you need.
DAVE: so what
DAVE: are you saying i need to have some kind of momentous gender self discovery like you two to be happy
ROSE: I'm not saying you need anything specific. But with how you're talking about how you're not happy being yourself...
ROSE: You understand the implications we pick up on when you say you wouldn't care if you had to stop being the "Dave of Guy" to be happy, right?
ROSE: I think you should just think about it.
ROSE: And I know it's scary to think about. I know you know it's scary.
ROSE: I haven't forgotten your ramblings about societal pressure surrounding masculinity and sexuality on that lily pad all those years ago.
DAVE: oh what
DAVE: you heard all that
ROSE: ...
ROSE: Dave, I was sitting not 10 feet away from you, and you weren't exactly whispering. You sounded worryingly frantic, if anything.
DAVEPETA: B33 < i wasnt there but karkat and john have talked about it with me
DAVEPETA: B33 < im not saying you have to arrive at the same answers rose or i did but i agree that you should just
DAVEPETA: B33 < think about what gender purrsonally means to you
DAVEPETA: B33 < beclaws
DAVEPETA: B33 < ugh i dont want to say shit thats not my place to say beclaws we arent the same purrson at all B((
DAVE: its cool
DAVE: i dont think anything you could say at this point would be crossing any lines
DAVE: i trust you two
DAVE: but i cant feel my eyeballs right now and im freaking out about that a little
ROSE: You really should pay attention to recommended doses before engaging in recreational drug use, Dave.
ROSE: Go on though, Davepeta?
DAVEPETA: B33 < i think i know you well enough to say that youre purrobably gonna come to a pretty similar conclusion to how i feel
DAVEPETA: B33 < gender isnt something i really get! it doesnt make any fucking sense to me so i just said fuck it
DAVEPETA: B33 < id rather be a cat than a boy or girl or whatever
DAVE: i dont get it either i just try to roll with it
DAVE: and not think about it too much
DAVE: but
DAVE: this is too much at once
DAVE: im scared right now
ROSE: We're here for you. Not just the two of us, but everyone.
ROSE: You have so many people in your life that love you and care about you...
ROSE: I hope that keeping that in mind can help you through this.
ROSE: Having support can make this a little less scary.