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“Give him a chance.”
“Not happening.”
“He’s a good agent.”
“He’s an idiot and I won’t have him near my team.”
“You haven’t even seen him in the field. Take him out for one-”
“I don’t need to see it. I’ve read the reports.”
Gaius wanted to slam his head head against the wall. Or maybe he wanted to slam Arthur’s head against the wall. Either way, he was frustrated out of his mind.
“Arthur Pendragon.” he said sternly, “Unless you have forgotten, you are still under my authority, despite your father’s position.” Arthur’s protests were cut off by Gaius raised eyebrow. “Emrys is a good agent, albeit a little unusual. What he needs is a guiding light. Something to follow. I believe you and your team, whom I may point out are band of misfits themselves, can be that light.”
Arthur didn’t look pleased, but he didn’t protest again. “Send me the rest of his files, then I’ll speak with him and see if he can go on one mission.”
“Those are all his files.” Gaius said, trying to sound firm, wanting to feel a little contrite for holding back Emrys’ files.
Arthur looked aghast and then he groaned and slumped in his chair. “Fine.” he grumbled. “I’ll evaluate him on my team’s level. If he passes, I’ll talk to him.”
“Fair enough.” Gaius nodded as Arthur left, stomping out the door.
Minutes later, Emrys popped his head into the doorway. Gaius ushered him in.
“Is that a ‘no’ then? What happens to me if I don’t get on Pendragon’s team? Where will they send me?” he asked urgently. Emrys had given everything he could as an informant. He occasionally acted as an advisor when missions dealt with Russia, but that wasn’t often. And when that happened he was so far behind locked doors that no one even knew who had given the advice. The missions that he went on now, as a British spy, were far and few between. He was a good agent, one of the best even, but he was unusual to work with and without a full background it was hard to find people who were willing to work with him.
“He’s willing to evaluate you, and if you pass, he’ll meet you.” Gaius said, watching the grin of excitement spread across his young friend’s face. “Don’t mess it up.” he tried adding on with a serious note but Emrys was already grinning and out of his seat in a whirl of excitement. Gaius sighed and rolled his eyes, letting Emrys have the childhood excitement he was sure Emrys had never gotten.
~
“What. The. Fuck. Did I just watch.” Arthur cried out in outrage behind the glass of the observation deck. Emrys had just completed Arthur Pendragon’s specialized training course. On the first try. No one did that. He stared at the remains of his course, where Emrys had simply removed obstacles that were in his way, obviously mocking the test. How had he even anticipated any of those hidden components. Even Gwaine had to take the test three times before he got it right. “He cheated.” Arthur accused, looking over at Gaius. The smug bastard was smiling down at his agent like a proud father.
“No. He’s just that good.”
Arthur wanted to pull out his hair but resisted the urge. He had no choice but to agree to meet Emrys.
~
“He’s a disrespectful, insolent idiot!” Arthur declared to Gaius, smacking down Emrys’ file (a little thicker with Arthur’s evaluations but still lighter than anyone’s files). “He has no background, no good experience, and he’s too young.”
“He’s only three years younger than you, Arthur.” Gaius said with a roll of his eyes.
“He called me a prat! I’m his superior! He can’t call me names! What is he, five?”
“Arthur calm down.” Gaius said, typing up the rest of his report as the agent lamented across his desk. “Besides your wounded ego, which I think Emrys would be good for, what’s wrong with him?” Gaius asked, knowing he had Arthur cornered.
“How am I supposed to bring him into the field if he questions my orders?” Arthur said sternly.
“If you give him reason to be loyal, Arthur, I guarantee he will follow you to Hell and back.”
Arthur studied Gaius for a long moment. Gaius watched as the cogs turned in his head as he did calculations that only Arthur Pendragon would understand.
“Fine. One mission, then we’ll see.” He stood up and left Gaius feeling like he’d won another victory.
~
One mission led to another mission and then to another and another.
As it turned out, Emrys worked exceptionally well with Arthur’s team. He found his place and he moved with the team as if he had always been there. Most of the agents were happy to spread the work. He collected intelligence with every member of the team, and each one said he was a good agent out in the field. Even on group missions, important ones that Arthur headed, Emrys seemed to work well with everyone. Arthur gave him absolute Hell, if only to see if Emrys would crack under pressure or if he would really follow orders even when Arthur was being an ass. Previous reports had indicated that he didn’t work well with others, but obviously he hadn’t been in the right team, because he worked beautifully with Arthur’s.
It only took a couple months for Emrys to be considered part of the team. It was like he had always been there. Arthur’s initial annoyance with the man shifted into reluctant acceptance. If anyone else was asked though, they would say that Arthur had never been happier to add a member to his team. This was obvious blasphemy.
~
It was about a year or so after Emrys was admitted into Arthur’s team when Arthur and Emrys were paired as partners on a long term mission. To everyone’s surprise, they didn’t rip each other’s head off in the three months that they had been under cover. In fact, the mission had gone so well that Gaius suggested Arthur and Emrys pair up more often. When their missions kept succeeding (even the ones that were deemed a lost cause), they were officially paired as partners, making Arthur’s team more autonomous. When the team needed a leader though, Arthur and Emrys worked as equal like when they were on their mission and it became Arthur and Emrys’ team. As a pair, they had a mission waitlist long enough to touch the ground and had the opportunity to pick and choose their missions. Intelligence missions were rarely done in pairs, but Arthur and Emrys seemed to work better together than they did separately.
King was the tactician. Emrys was the hacker. King was the sniper. Emrys was the distraction. King was the brute force. Emrys was the spider that waited to attack with a quick jab. King thought everything through three times over. Emrys was the one who criticized King’s plans until it worked. King was the charm. Emrys was the fake idiot who would cut your throat in a split second. They worked so seamlessly it was as if one man had completed the mission.
Despite all this, they still fought and bickered constantly. Everyone at HQ was dumbfounded because they couldn’t stop arguing, yet they had completed missions that needed immense strength of trust. Emrys made fun of Arthur, something which he found great pleasure in doing. Arthur picked at everything Emrys did, calling him lazy and unorganized. Emrys constantly called Arthur names, “cabbagehead” “prat” “dollophead” and “arse.” Arthur tried to combat that with calling Emrys “Merlin” but that backfired spectacularly because Emrys found that to be a wonderful name. It never seemed to bother him that Merlin was supposed to the advisor to King Arthur. He ended up just calling Arthur “sire” or “my liege” which only made odd goose flesh raise on Arthur’s skin.
They worked so much together that they hadn’t even noticed the change from reluctant acceptance of each other’s presence, to mutual friendship, to close friends, to old married couple and obliviousness to their own pinning. And oblivious it was, because neither of them even noticed how much they cared about the other or how much they needed each other.
~
If you asked Gwaine, it was like they deliberately blindfolded themselves and pretended they had never seen the each other. Okay, so he wasn’t the best at making analogies. Or metaphors. Whatever. But Arthur and Merlin were head over heels for each other and neither of them had a clue. Merlin might have a clue. Gwaine had caught him watching Arthur, fondness written all over his face. He would shake his head and a little crease would form between his brows. So maybe Merlin had a little bit of a clue, but he was ignoring it. Arthur on the other hand, was an idiot. Merlin was right on that account at least. The Princess had no idea how deep he was in it. Gwaine almost felt bad for him. When Arthur figured it out, it would be like a flash flood and Gwaine wasn’t sure if he could handle it. Arthur had always been a cold shell, with a squishy soft center. Merlin had been able to seep into the center without Arthur noticing. Gwaine mentality shook his head, that analogy went weird really fast.
Gwaine was on patrol when he witnessed the flash flood.
Merlin and Arthur had been on a mission for the last two weeks, soon to return in a day or so (nothing was ever concrete in a spy’s world). The van pulled up at an alarming rate and Gwaine watched in amazement as Arthur jumped out, his tuxedo stained with blood. He flung open the back doors, pulling Merlin into his arms and calling to the guards to get the doctors out here immediately. Gwaine ran to them, forgetting his duties at once.
“Arthur I’m fine.” Merlin scolded, holding his own arm as it bleed. His dress shirt was bloodied and a strip of cloth was tie around his arm in a makeshift bandage. Even Gwaine could see that Merlin was going to pass out at any second from loss of blood.
“Shut up, Merlin.” Arthur barked, he practically carried Merlin into the building. “You’re a fucking idiot, you know that? Who trips and gets shot?” Gwaine watched, worry stirring in his stomach but knowing that Arthur wouldn’t let him help.
Merlin faintly laughed, “You’re a prat.” His eyes were closing.
“Stay awake, dammit Merlin!” Arthur shouted. “It’s just your arm, hold on just for a damn minute you lazy bastard!”
The doctors from HQ rushed into the entrance and put Merlin on a gurney. He was slowly losing consciousness but his hand still held out for Arthur as he was pulled away. Arthur rushed behind them, not even noticing that he wasn’t supposed to follow.
“We need to take him into surgery.” One of them said, putting a hand on Arthur’s chest to stop him.
“He’s my partner!” Arthur shouted.
“I understand-”
“Let me through. It’s not that bad, it’s just his arm! He can handle that. It’s just blood loss, let me-” The poor nurse looked like she wanted to knock Arthur out just to shut him up, but luckily Gwaine was right there.
Gwaine nodded to the nurse and grabbed Arthur’s shoulder. “Hey mate, let them fix him up and then you can see him.” The nurse left while Arthur was distracted.
“Merlin.” was all that came out of Arthur’s mouth as he looked absentmindedly at Gwaine.
“It’s alright, mate.” Gwaine tried to knock some sanity back into him as he clapped his shoulder. “Just his arm, right?”
Arthur’s eyes were unfixed in front of him, looking down the corridor where Merlin was wheeled away. “If he hadn’t have tripped it would’ve been his heart.” His voice was monotone, still trying to process the information himself.
In reality Arthur would have been worried over any of his team members, but not at this level of hysterics. He looked ready to pass out too. Gwaine wanted to sigh and say ‘Oh mate you are so gone for and you don’t even see it.’ Gwaine didn’t say that, because Arthur looked like he was slowly figuring it out for himself.
Arthur turned to Gwaine, seeing him for the first time. “Gwaine?” He looked like he had a question on his tongue but didn’t know what it was yet. This time Gwaine did sigh.
“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
~
Merlin's eyes blinked open as Arthur slowly pet his hair, coaxing him into consciousness.
"Что случилось?" he slurred. Arthur wondered how many drugs they had pumped into his partner if Merlin woke up speaking Russian. 'What happened?'
"Merlin, wake up." He said, trying not to think about how he was petting Merlin. He told himself it was to comfort Merlin but it made him feel better too.
"Merlin?" Merlin asked as his blue eyes fixed on Arthur for the first time. "Arthur." He said like he was pointing out people in the room.
"Yes, you idiot." Arthur smiled down at him. "You were shot, remember? You're all bandaged up now."
"Ow." Merlin pouted. He had too many drugs in his system to feel any pain, making the statement much funnier.
"You need to rest." Arthur said.
"Your hair is shiny."
"You really need to rest."
"Noooooo. Look." He raised his hand but it flopped down onto the sheets. "The light makes it flashy and you've got a halo. You're a hunky angel."
Arthur was trying to hold back a laugh but it was really hard when Merlin was slurring his speech and trying to raise his hand to Arthur's hair. When his hand wouldn't raise up, due to the bandages, he stared at his arm in utter confusion. He looked like a sad puppy.
"Hunky?" Arthur asked with a raised brow.
"Beetaful." Merlin grinned, completely satisfied with his answer.
"Yeah, definitely time to go to sleep."
"Mmm." Merlin's eyes fluttered shut and he snuggled into the pillow. "I like Merlin. Is er good name."
Arthur rolled his eyes and restarted petting his hair. "I like Merlin too."
"Mmm." Merlin pressed his nose into Arthur's palm as he pet him. A second later he was asleep. Arthur kissed his forehead.
"Oh no," he groaned, "I like Merlin too."
~
Merlin was usually the one who was on his toes when it came to missions. Even when they went back to the hotel room Merlin never settled. Arthur knew that they had to be undercover 24/7 when it came to missions but sometimes he wanted to lay on the bed, face-first, and just groan about the bruise he had gotten on his ribs for an hour. That wasn’t exactly ‘in character’ to the act he usually played, plus it would give away information to anyone listening in, but he just wanted an hour sometimes. They checked the room for bugs and detected for snipers or any other devices from the windows, but Merlin was always on high alert.
It was a particularly boring day on a mission. He and Merlin had been cooped up in the hotel room for two days and he wanted nothing more than to go outside, if only just for a run. They had been on each other’s nerves for the entire mission. there was a difference between the playful teases they threw at each other and the real annoyance they had been dealing with for the last week.
“KING, LEAVE ME ALONE.” Merlin shouted, throwing his book at Arthur. He knew he was really pissed off because he used Arthur’s code name. He huffed and went to the bathroom to take a shower, if only to do something.
He was murmuring to himself, toeing off his shoes when that six sense of a spy kicked in. The hairs on his neck pricked up and he stiffened.
“Emrys?” he called out. No answer.
Arthur flung open the door and saw Emrys on his knees, being strangled by a figure in all black and a balaclava. The chair was turned over and the lamp smashed to bits. Merlin had put up a fight but his hands were held behind his back, useless to help himself. Arthur saw his mouth shout out his name, no sound escaping.
Arthur grabbed his gun, still in his shoulder holster and shot the figure in a second, only a few inches from Merlin’s face. Merlin dropped to the ground, coughing and taking deep breathes. He flipped onto his back, his eyes closed as he brought air back into his lungs. Arthur went to the body, making sure they were dead, but since he shot them right between the eyes, he was pretty sure they were dead. Clean up would be a pain.
“You alright?” Arthur asked as he knelt next to his partner.
“Yeah.” Merlin said, rubbing his neck. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” He held out his hand and helped Merlin onto his feet. He got him a glass of water and Merlin downed it all. He shook himself off and it was as if his life hadn’t just been in danger.
Merlin looked to the body and then back to Arthur. Arthur saw the moment when reality crashed onto Merlin. Arthur thought it was a really good thing he was a good shot.
“You just-” Merlin gaped at him.
“Yeah” Arthur breathed out.
“That was-” Merlin’s lips parted as his jaw went slack.
Arthur lost a couple minutes. He had experienced blackouts before, where he didn’t remember how he got somewhere Or what he was doing. He hadn’t lost consciousness, it’s just that he didn’t remember how he got from point A to point B. Somehow Arthur had Merlin pressed to the wall and they were in the middle of a very intense kiss. It had just happened. They might have had a bit of an adrenaline kink or a you-just-saved-my-life-why-is-that-so-hot kink. If that was a thing. He thinks he may have grabbed Merlin and he thinks Merlin may have grabbed him back, but the details were fuzzy. Either way Arthur’s shirt was half off and Merlin was in all his senses, clouding his thoughts. He felt like he had been waiting for this for years, when in reality he had been restraining himself from this. He was so glad he had stopped holding back.
"Wait, wait" Merlin pulled away abruptly, his body as far away as possible but still holding Arthur's face firmly in his hands. “Stop.”
“What?” Arthur asked, his voice too sharp, irritated at the lack of Merlin in his space. His eyes opened and focused on Merlin’s face. “What is it?” He asked again, softer this time, trying to pull Merlin closer.
“No. I can’t.” Merlin swatted Arthur’s hands away from his hips. “Wait. Just wait.”
“Wait for what!?” Arthur let out an annoyed breath threw his nose. “We’ve been waiting.”
“Listen to me!” Merlin snapped, his hands coming up to Arthur’s face again, letting himself closer this time. Arthur settled his hands on Merlin’s hips, pressing his forehead to Merlin’s, and watched Merlin’s eyes as they studied the ground.
Arthur raised his hand to Merlin’s face, feeling the nervous energy pumping through him. Merlin leaned into the touch. “What is it?” Arthur whispered this time.
“I told myself.” Merlin began, still watching the ground as if it would tell him what to say. “I told myself that I wouldn’t put you through this. I swore that I wouldn’t let you trust me.” He raised his eyes.
“I do trust you, Merlin.” Arthur tried to laugh and roll his eyes, but the moment lacked any humor.
Merlin pressed forward more. “You shouldn’t. God, Arthur, you shouldn’t. You don’t know anything about me.”
“I told you, I don’t care. All spies have their secrets. I don’t need to know your past to know you Merlin.”
“That’s not even my name.” Merlin looked so desperate, his eyes brimmed with tears.
“It’s what I named you, of course it’s your name.” Arthur demanded stubbornly.
Merlin let out a choked laugh and kissed Arthur hard on the lips. Arthur held his head close and let Merlin attack him, happy to be attacked for once. Merlin pulled away again, his eyes still closed and his nose brushing Arthur’s.
“I have to tell you.”
“You don’t have to.” Arthur countered.
“But I do, Arthur. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.” Merlin opened his eyes and his thumb brushed Arthur’s cheek.
“Why?” he murmured.
“Because if we do this. If we become...more than just work. You’ll put your trust in me Arthur, and you should know everything about me before you do that.”
“I already trust you.” Arthur said earnestly.
“This is different, Arthur. This is your personal life. Not work.”
“You have all my trust, Merlin.”
“Then here’s your chance to back out.”
“Merlin.” Arthur groaned.
“I’m serious, Arthur.” Merlin said firmly, gripping Arthur’s jaw tighter.
“I know who you are.” Arthur stroked Merlin’s cheekbone and pushed aside his fringe. “And I’m serious when I say, I’m not backing out. I lo-”
Merlin cut him off, covering Arthur’s mouth with his palm. “Don’t.” He let out a sigh. “Just wait until you have to hear what I say. Then you can decide if...then you can decide.”
~
Merlin told him everything, not all at once and not all in that night, but it all came out eventually. Arthur’s imagination had conjured up everything he could think of, and to be honest, some of his ideas hadn’t been far from the truth. About a week later he would receive Merlin’s files from Gaius’ hands himself.
That night though, they sat on the edge of the bed, Merlin a foot away, clenching the blankets and refusing to hold Arthur’s hand. He looked at Arthur the entire time, though he looked like he wanted to look anywhere but there. Arthur was determined not to outwardly react to anything Merlin said, schooling his features.
“By birth, my name is Ambrosii Balinovitch Alexandrov.”
Merlin stared at him for a long time. Arthur’s mind was racing but his features stayed the same.
“Don’t do that.” Merlin pleaded, his voice shaking with nerves. “Show me what you’re thinking.”
“Let me hold you.” Arthur bartered. Merlin groaned in annoyance but moved forward, taking one of Arthur’s hand in both of his.
Arthur let down his mask immediately and let himself smirk. “You’re Russian?”
Merlin sighed. “Yes. My father was. My mother was Welsh.”
Merlin explained his past and Arthur listened. Merlin’s parents had died when he was seven. He had had been picked up and put into a facility that had been part school, part training grounds. At home he had spoken both English and Russian, with small phrases in Welsh that his mother had taught him, which meant that he was desirable as a spy, because he could pass as a Welshman.
Merlin had been training since he was ten years old to be a spy. In comparison to Arthur’s life, it was a harsh reality. Arthur had been raised by his strict father, knowing that all his extra schooling would help him in his future, but never having been rigorously trained like Merlin. He had been trained in his late teenage years, the same age when Merlin was already out in the field. Arthur stroked Merlin’s hair as they laid in bed, the words coming easier the more he talked. He talked about his former friends, the children he had trained with who were now his enemies. He told Arthur about Will, his best friend. He cried, telling someone for the first time about Will’s death. Arthur held him and cried a little too. Merlin felt so small his arms and he wondered how small he would have been at the age of fifteen with his best friend bleeding out in his arms.
He talked about his missions. Merlin said he had given all the information he knew about the Russian intelligence to Gaius and Kilgharrah, hoping to amend his ways. He told Arthur the reasons behind his missions, who he worked for, and how they got what they wanted. He told Arthur how many people he had killed in cold blood. The assassinations he had helped with or even committed himself. The security guards he had shown no mercy. The civilians that had been in his crossfire. Merlin refused to let the tears slip past, but Arthur saw them sitting there.
He told Arthur how he went rogue and desperately tried to tell Arthur that he wasn’t that person anymore.
“I left Arthur. I swear to you, I broke all ties. I hated what I did and what they made me do. I went rogue, looking for jobs that were justified, only enough to get money for food and get a place to sleep.”
“Merlin.” Arthur kissed his forehead, “I believe you.”
“You shouldn’t.” Merlin ground out. “There’s no evidence to prove me innocent, Arthur. All you have is my word.”
“I’m not going to argue about this anymore, Merlin.” Arthur said, tightening his grip on Merlin, “I trust your word, that’s good enough for me. Let me trust you.”
Merlin whimpered a little and pressed a kiss to Arthur’s lips, the first he had allowed since he started talking. Arthur felt that was a victory.
“I love you.” Arthur pressed against Merlin’s cheek.
“I’m not done.” Merlin said firmly, trying to move away so he could tell more of his story.
Arthur rolled his eyes at Merlin’s response. He pressed a chaste kiss to Merlin’s lips. “I know who you are, Ambrosii Balinovitch Alexandrov. I didn’t need to know your name or your past to know that you are brave and just, and you always do the right thing. You’re Merlin to me, and now I know what you’ve done and who you once were, but you were always Merlin, it just… it just took a while for you to get here, that’s all.”
Merlin looked like he was going to cry again, but Arthur kissed him, trying to quell the emotion.
“You know I love you too, right?” Merlin asked in between kisses.
Arthur smiled broadly, “Yeah.” he breathed out. “But it’s nice to hear anyway.”
~
Right between the eyes. That's where Arthur always shot them. The bad guys, that is. He was an excellent shot, one of the best in Britain, and he was very proud of his marksmanship. It was one of the many reasons he was always on call.
Like now, he was on a mission, in the dead of night. His breath came out in gasps of cold puffs. The rooftop was freezing but he had dressed warmly because he didn't feel the cold except on his face and the tips of his fingers where he was tapping into a security system. The numbers tumbled out if his head without much sense and into the hardware. The security guard lay unconscious at the rooftop’s entrance. Arthur was a fine marksman, but that didn't mean he killed everyone he came across. He wasn't a barbarian.
He wasn't sure what caught his attention. Arthur had started to believe years ago that spies gained an extra sense. He neither heard a ruffle of clothing, saw a shift in light, nor smelt a waft of cologne. He merely felt something behind him. He turned around and pulled his gun in less than a millisecond, his gun was aimed and ready. Nothing was there. He knew he felt something, he knew it. He shifted his stance and used all his senses to discern where the thing went. There it was. Right in front of him, a ghost in all black, concealed by shadows.
Arthur smirked and waited, not willing to take the shot until he knew for sure it was a threat.
The figure raised a small gun and pulled the trigger as they stepped forward. Arthur pulled the trigger right as the bullet hit him in the heart and his bullet hit Merlin right between the eyes.
~
The deep blue eyes turned completely white and although Arthur hadn't moved an inch, his hands were coated in thick blood and his heart had stopped beating.
~
He woke up with his hair plastered to his face, his heart racing, and his eyes wet.
Instinctively he turned to find Merlin, to ensure he was alright and to clear away the cobwebs of his nightmare. There he was, like he always was, face smashed into the pillow, his arms under himself and his butt sticking up ever so slightly. His hair was a mess and the sheets were helplessly twisted around him. Arthur shifted closer to him, pressing his face into Merlin's shoulder, his arm, his hair. Gently, making sure Merlin wouldn't wake, he untwisted Merlin from the blanket’s claws until his back was pressed to Arthur's chest. Merlin didn’t make a sound, only moving in his sleep to find the warmth of Arthur’s chest. Arthur’s fingers traced the scarring left by a bullet on Merlin's arm, the one when Merlin had tripped and a bullet grazed his arm. Arthur kissed the knife scarring along Merlin's throat, where threats had become someone else's end. He pressed kisses to the bullet wound on Merlin's shoulder, the one he had gotten from his former allies, current enemies. He traced the scarred skin with his fingers, already knowing them all by heart.
~
As far as a spy went, Merlin was a heavy sleeper. Well. When Merlin was with Arthur, he was a heavy sleeper. On missions he hardly slept at all, pushing his human needs to the wayside until entirely necessary. It had been a habit he had been taught and he never quite knew how to shake. He felt Arthur's touches in the middle of his sleep. He was exhausted after the last mission, and only wanted sleep (and maybe buckets of food). Arthur's light touches were enough to wake him, but he wasn't awake or rested enough for sex. Something came out of his mouth that might have been "Go away, I'm sleeping" but came out as "Garh, sheep."
Then he noticed where Arthur was kissing him. His eyes fluttered open immediately.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." Arthur's voice was still rough with sleep, but Merlin had heard that tone of voice before.
"Oh Arthur." He heard his own lungs give out a shaky sigh. He turned around, holding Arthur's face before he was even fully awake. "Come here." Arthur listened to Merlin, for once, and curled into his embrace. Merlin knew Arthur wouldn’t talk, but he needed this moment.
It wasn't always like this. They were reasonably stable and sane as far as most agents went. But it was bound to happen every once a while, the terror of possibility: losing someone, betrayal from the ones you love, or worse, hurting the ones you love. They had been together for years, yet this had only happened to them a couple times. Sometimes Merlin would lose it and just need to hold Arthur for an hour, or Arthur would shout until Merlin finally tugged Arthur close and let himself be held.
That night, Arthur’s fingers dug into Merlin’s skin and his nose pressed into Merlin’s collarbone. He let Arthur have this moment to unleash all his emotions, knowing that Arthur would only allow himself this weakness if it was in the middle of the night after a dream gone wrong. Merlin held him just as tight back, making sure Arthur knew he was there, loved him and trusted him. It frustrated Merlin that he never really knew what Arthur’s nightmares were about, especially since they held Arthur’s deepest fears. He wished Arthur’s fears were only about Merlin’s past, what he’d done or who he might still be, but they never were. Arthur was terrified he would hurt Merlin, and that was unfathomable to him. Merlin had been trained to attack, kill, and protect himself since he was ten years old. But Arthur trusted him wholeheartedly, which Merlin would never understand, even if he lived a thousand years. He had been the enemy. He had killed British agents. None of that mattered to Arthur. The possibility that Merlin may still be the enemy never even crossed Arthur’s mind. Merlin had just been a boy when he had gone rogue. But he had been a determined, stubborn, and decisive young man, and he never wanted to go back. When he’d left, he never had the intention of joining any other agency, but then he got shot and was picked up by Gaius. At first he planned on leaving as soon as he could, willing to be an informant if it meant food, shelter, and protection. But plans change. Gaius had become the father he never knew he had needed and Kilgharrah had become that push toward something more that he had been searching for. He planned to stay after a year, but his life was set in stone after he met Arthur.
Arthur was his life now. They were unconventional and their lives were unstable, but that’s why they had each other. There was a joke that most spies can’t find a partner even after retiring because they were adrenaline junkies, too broken to function in civilian life. Merlin and Arthur were both broken adrenaline junkies, who bickered like an old married couple. They had found each other and Merlin was so grateful for the man in his arms.
“Right here.” Merlin murmurred.
“Yeah I know.” Arthur breathed out, “Give me a minute.”
“Not going anywhere.” Merlin settled down and let his eyes flutter closed as he felt Arthur’s presence next to him.