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The first question that Janine remembers not being able to answer occurs just after Claudia’s birth. She’s three years old, seated on the floor with a coloring book that she’s only half-heartedly scribbling in, much more interested in observing the gathering of adults around the bassinet that's been temporarily set up in the living room. She can't believe the way that they coo and wiggle their fingers at an infant who doesn't even understand them. Elizabeth Thomas is even lightly jangling a pair of plastic red, yellow, and blue keys at the baby. Had adults done that to her? She finds herself horrified by the thought that she was ever a baby, unable to read or speak or play.
She can't see exactly who it is who asks - if it’s Alma Spier, or maybe it’s Aunt Peaches - “So, Janine, how does it feel to be a big sister?”
“I don’t know,” Janine responds truthfully. “I’ve never been one before.”
She doesn’t understand why the group of adults finds her answer so amusing.
Stoneybrook Elementary School isn’t sure what to do with Janine Kishi when she arrives for her first day of kindergarten. She can already read and speaks plainly and matter-of-factly, like a tiny adult. The administration eventually decides to send her to a second-grade classroom for reading and spelling for an hour each day while allowing her still kindergarten-level fine motor skills to catch up with her advanced-age brain. The other kids in kindergarten don’t understand why she gets to leave class or where she’s going; each day, she sits for an hour at a table in the back of the second-grade classroom, alone, because there aren’t enough desks for a part-time interloper like her.
“Why are you so smart?” An imposing group of second-graders demand to know of her one day. They've all realized that she's able to pronounce the words in the Hop-Along! Second Grade Reader better than they are, despite being two years younger.
Janine says nothing, just keeps walking back to kindergarten with her special hall pass - yet another thing that makes her different from the other kids - clutched tightly in her hand. She has tears in her eyes. She didn’t ask to be born a genius. She doesn’t know why she is a genius.
She just is.
It's a typical evening shortly after Janine has started high school. Claudia, now eleven years old, is sitting in front of the television, sketching, when Janine comes downstairs.
Janine loves her younger sister, but their relationship is at times both strained and awkward, with so many misunderstandings. Janine wishes it was better, but she just doesn’t get Claudia most of the tine. Claudia's not dumb - if she just in a bit more effort, surely she could be good at school, right? Even so, her grades hardly mattered to Claudia's peers - she was still well-liked by nearly everyone in her grade, and Kristy and Mary Anne were always at the Kishi house. She was already a talented artist. And she was Mimi's favorite, Janine thought, even if Mimi would never admit it.
Claudia had so much going for her, yet she was still so resentful of Janine at times.
Janine, who wore sensible clothing, who walked to school while reading a book, who conversed with only a few peers throughout the day - sometimes knowing that she was smart was the only thing that got her through some of those days. Some days, she felt like her intelligence was the only thing she had going for her.
But Claudia didn't realize any of that.
“What are you watching?” Janine asks her sister.
Claudia shrugs, not even looking up from her sketch. "It's just background noise."
There's an awkward silence between them.
Janine searches her brain for something, anything, to talk to her sister about. She looks at the television; it's a middle-aged French man whisking ingredients into a bowl.
"Did you know that forks weren't introduced as a proper utensil until the 17th century? And the French language term for a spoon is la cuillère-"
Claudia’s face turns cloudy. “Ugh why do you have to sound like an encyclopedia all the time? Can't you talk like a normal person?" She picks up her pencil and sketchpad and goes upstairs.
Janine doesn’t know how to answer. It's just how she talks; she can't help it. Why doesn't Claudia understand that?
The days after Mimi’s death are the most difficult of Janine’s young life. She’s devastated - Mimi has always been a presence in her life, and now she’s gone, forever. Janine feels lost, and also a bit like she should know what to say or do, even though she’s never lost someone in her life before. She feels as though should have some sort of profound realization beyond a simple understanding of how biology works, it's the circle of life, death is inevitable -
Why does it hurt so much?
This, Janine can’t answer. She spends her evenings after school, in front of her computer screen, absentmindedly tapping away at the keys. She's on autopilot for weeks.
It's a surprise to absolutely no one when Janine is made valedictorian; after all, she's never received a grade lower than an A minus. She's headed to MIT to pursue - well, she's not certain yet, but something in the science or engineering sector.
As per Stoneybrook High School tradition, she's asked to give a speech at the graduation ceremony; “I’m certain that you'll be able to inspire your fellow students to unlock the key to future success,” the principal says to her.
Janine has no idea where to even start.
She spends the week before the ceremony asking herself over and over again: What can I say that will inspire others? She's never thought of herself in that way; rather, she's always been more of a solitary academic achiever. She starts and stops and throws away several half-realized ideas.
Finally, two days before the ceremony, she decides to ask Claudia for advice. They understand each other better now than they used to. There are still hiccups, but over the years they've grown closer as they've come to understand the ways in which they are similar.
"How can I inspire others?" Janine asks, flopping inelegantly on Claudia's bed. She pulls a Hershey bar out of a pillowcase.
Claudia shakes her head. "Just say smart things like you always do. The kids aren't listening anyway. It's mostly for the parents."
"I'd like to capture the attention of my fellow graduates and represent them well."
"Well," Claudia says, "would it help if I told you the ways you inspire me? You're smart, but you also work hard instead of just coasting on your smart-ness. You're curious and always want to learn new things. You're honest to a fault and incredibly loyal."
Janine smiles. "Thank you, Claudia. I think I know what to write."
When graduation day comes, Janine is ready.
"My fellow students, as of today we are high school graduates. What lies ahead remains unknown..." she continues on, thanking parents and teachers, before addressing her fellow students:
"We may not know why we were given the gifts we we're given in life, but it is up to us to use them wisely. We must keep going in the face of hardship and loss. We must stay in pursuit of knowledge and be both curious and kind to others. Thank you."
The rest of the ceremony is a blur, up to the point where she tosses her hat in the air.
Afterwards, after Janine hugs both of her parents, Claudia gives her a huge hug. “Your speech was amazing!"
Janine blushes. "I couldn't have done it without you."
Claudia holds out her hand in the shape of a microphone. "Oh, really? Tell me, Miss, how does it feel to be Claudia Kishi's big sister?"
Janine leans into the pretend mic, knowing exactly what to say, fifteen years later.
"It feels great!"