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“The suits told us to make a Christmas special,” Dean tells the camera. “I told them it was a terrible idea. I said to them, ‘that’s a terrible idea.’ But they gave us the order and when suits give you an order, you listen. That’s how it works in television.” He pauses for a moment. “Or so the suits told me.”
“I wasn’t gonna give them a normal Christmas special, of course,” Garth says, leaning forward. “Oh no. I was going to give them the scariest Christmas special they’d ever seen.” He sits back, looking satisfied. “I’m proud to say that the Darkplace Christmas special was so scary that only a few scenes of it exist today. The whole thing was simply too horrifying, too radical, that top brass deleted most of our recordings.”
“We didn’t have a lot of money,” Dean says. “Well, we didn’t have any money. For the Christmas special we used old tapes I had bought at a flea market. I checked them beforehand, I didn’t want to tape over anyone’s home movies. Fortunately, it was just some old black and white film about a man in a police box and Marco Polo. I think we did the world a favour taping over that, if I’m honest. The special effects were dreadful and the sets were very wobbly.”
“Top brass was furious once Dean gave them the tapes,” Garth says. “They took one look at the label and started yelling. It just goes to show that when you write horror, real horror, you don’t even need to see it to feel it. It’s that powerful.”
*
The scene opens with Rick Dagless, Lucien Sanchez, Liz Asher and Thornton Reed gathered in Thornton’s office. There is a pine tree in the corner with some silver tinsel.
“Ha ha,” Thornton says, “that sure was a funny joke, Dagless. Your funniest yet. Wait, let me get the phone.”
The phone rings and Thornton picks it up. “Hello, this is Thornton Reed.” The phone rings again, while Thornton keeps speaking. “The hospital boss of Darkplace Hospital. I’m the boss around here. Oh no, that sounds terrible. Yes, we will keep a look-out. Thank you, local police officer.” He hangs up the phone and turns to Rick, Lucien and Liz. “That was the local police. Apparently there’s a burglar in the area. He’s got a white beard, dresses in red and gets in through the chimney while travelling with reindeer.”
Lucien chuckles. “Don’t be silly, Thornton. Santa’s not a burglar.”
“Well, this Santa sure is on the police’s naughty list,” Thornton replies, “so we’d better watch out and we’d better not cry. This Santa isn’t coming to give toys, he’s coming to take them away!”
“He’d better not take my Betamax recorder!” Lucien cries out. “I’ve only just gotten it and the video quality is wonderful. It’s like being there yourself except it’s on television!”
“Yes, I’ve heard about the superior quality of Betamax,” Liz says. “You should tell us more about it.”
*
“I think that Darkplace handled product placement really well,” Dean muses. “Garth was always able to weave it into the story naturally. It’s one of his many gifts.”
*
A man dressed in a Santa Claus costume and wearing a white beard is stumbling through the halls of Darkplace Hospital. His face is covered in bright red blood and green make-up. “Brains,” he intones. “Brains.”
The scene cuts to Liz and Lucien, hiding behind the reception desk. “Oh no!” Liz cries out. “Santa has become a zombie! What are we going to do? I wish Rick were here to save the day!”
“So do I,” Lucien replies. “He’s the only man who can save this hospital.”
“He’s the only man who can save Christmas!” Liz exclaims.
The zombie Santa is still shuffling down the hall. The white beard has come loose, but is still sticking to his right cheek. “Brains!” He shuffles over to the reception desk.
“Where’s Rick?” Liz’s eyes are wider than usual. “We need him!”
“Dammit, Rick, why did you decide to single-handedly catch the seven reindeer to bring them to the police for evidence!” Lucien says, looking at the zombie Santa who is slowly shuffling towards them when his beard falls to the floor.
*
“We didn’t have the budget to actually film me fighting seven reindeer,” Garth explains. “But we did have the budget to film me fight two guys in a reindeer suit. The editors worked their magic, and you’d never notice it was the same suit all seven times.”
*
Liz, Thornton, Rick and Lucien are in a hospital laboratory. You can tell it’s a laboratory because there are many test tubes and Erlenmeyer flasks in the cupboards behind them filled with colourful liquid and smoke.
“I’ve analysed Santa Claus’s blood,” Liz announces, looking up from the microscope. “It’s the real Santa and his blood has become evil.”
Thornton hits the lab bench with his fist. “Dammit, I wish it wasn’t true, but you can’t argue with science and microscopes are definitely science. Rick, what do we do? It’s Christmas Eve. If we don’t do something, Christmas will be ruined for millions of innocent little children around the world, and that’s not supposed to happen until they’re at least nine years old.”
“I know,” Rick replies gravely. “There’s only one solution.” He turns dramatically towards the camera. “I’m going to have to be Santa tonight.”
*
“We didn’t have the budget to actually film me flying with seven reindeer either,” Garth says. “But once again the editors worked their magic with the footage we filmed of me and one of the guys in the reindeer suit. We’ve managed to save some of the test footage before it went to the special effects department. But I have to say, the footage is already pretty convincing.”
*
A man in brown clothing with reindeer antlers on his head and wearing a clown’s nose stands in front of some green sheets. He gives someone off-camera thumbs-up.
“Action Garth!” someone shouts from off-camera.
Garth, dressed in his Rick Dagless costume, runs up to the man and jumps on his back for a piggy-back ride. He points off into the distance. “Onward, Rudolph! Let’s save Christmas!”
*
“I’m not a sentimental man,” Dean says, “but I will admit that the Darkplace Christmas special brought a tear to my eye. I think Garth really captured the true spirit of Christmas with his script.”
*
Everyone has gathered in Thornton’s office. The pine tree is in a different corner than before.
“Well, Rick, it sure is impressive how you managed to deliver all those gifts in only an hour,” Liz says. “It usually takes Santa all night.”
“I’m a world class medical doctor,” Rick replies. “I’m used to doing everything as efficiently as possible, with top-notch planning.”
“You’d better be as good when it comes to curing Santa,” Thornton tells him. “I don’t want to go through the horrifying events of today again.”
“Me neither,” Lucien says. “It truly was terrifying.”
“Yes, I am definitely traumatised by what I’ve witnessed today,” Liz remarks. “It was the scariest thing I’ve seen at Darkplace yet and I’ve seen several.”
“But at least Christmas is safe for another year,” Rick says. He stares into the middle distance. “The zombies can’t take that from us.”
*
“I think even with the few scenes we have you can still understand what’s going on,” Garth says. “But I always wrote the scripts like that. I think it’s important that you can take a toilet break in the middle of an episode and come back and still follow along. It’s something you have to keep in mind when making the switch from writing books to writing for television. When people read a book and go to the toilet, they take the book with them. Sometimes they read the entire book on the toilet. But people don’t bring the television with them. Not enough television script writers understand that.”
“I’m not saying that the Christmas special was the best episode of Darkplace,” Dean says. “But it’s definitely in the top seven Darkplace episodes, and that’s saying something.”