Chapter Text
It all started with the Americans. That’s right, every time a global incident happens, it’s always with the Americans. This story doesn’t start much differently from other stories. As usual, it started in America. As usual, millions of people were caught screaming as bridges were destroyed, buildings crumbling and the sky opened raining fire. As usual, New York City was once again destroyed. Unlike other incidents though, this time America had the Avengers .
That’s right, America now had a demigod, a bunch of science experiments, a few mad scientists and BAM! Now they they had the most powerful superhero team in the world. Wasn’t it enough that they already had so many nuclear warheads? Now they had a GOD on their team, what a headache. What a nightmare. What a mess.
OH MY TIAN!!!! thought the Chinese officials watching the live action clips of Iron Man blasting off aliens in flabbergasted awe. Just look at this, it’s those Americans again! Even so they couldn’t help but surreptitiously share leaked close ups of Thor’s biceps on Weibo. Maybe it was unpatriotic, but there would be no justice in the world if they didn’t re-share it!
We have to respond to this crisis. Top government officials whispered among themselves even as the general public grew more and more frenzied over the Avengers. The party had a news and media ban, an internet blackout and had done their best in suppressing information but it was impossible.
People would use VPN to view videos of New York over and over again, enlisting shopping services to buy Avengers merchandise from overseas, Taobao sellers were making a killing selling knock-off Steel Man, Bronze Man, Copper Man, Zinc Man… soon there would be enough product to fill an entire periodic table. It was completely unacceptable!
So of course, the Chinese Communist Party instantly put together a committee. When in any crisis, a committee was the surefire response. Ideally the committee should also have sub-committees that had their own committees, but this was an emergency and they had only enough time to put together one, just in time for the official press release and photo-op.
After convening, they decide that a team of Super Soldiers would be their best deterrent: patriotic, strong and had good potential for future advertising. Already the committee could envision all the potential sponsorship possibilities and how much cut they could take during the bid process.
It was perfect, they congratulated each other. What could go wrong?
To create their own Super Soldier, they had decided it was better to use some home-grown talent instead of risking a mad scientist. Better to have a hero that the Chinese could aspire to, maybe someone already known? Who could they ask though? What a head-scratching problem! At this rate, they would definitely have to work overtime.
What about famous Chinese Immortals? We have so many Wuxia and Xianxia heros, surely one of the Immortals would be appropriate, said one of junior committee members.
We should use the Chinese Immortals!!! the head committee said, immediately taking credit for the idea himself. Okay everyone, we must select the best Immortals to represent China.
Names were tossed around from Yang Guo and Xiaolongnu to Wu Song and Lu ZiShen. Hero after hero from every legend and folktale were tossed around and bickered over. Really, it was like listening to a group of fangirls trying to rank their favourite idols as the selection committee went over the available candidates.
Yang Guo would be perfect for our paralympics bid, enthused one member.
Wu Song is better, argued another, he can use double broadswords AND a staff, think of how much merchandise we can sell with that!
Do we even have the resources for this? Wondered another official as he idly calculated the cost/benefits on his notepad. We can’t keep climbing every single mountain top for Immortals! It’s very expensive! Budget people, think of our budget!
After much heated debate, the selection committee finally settled on the famous Guan Yu (courtesy name: Yun Chang); one of the legendary Five Tiger Generals. He was the epitome of righteousness and courage.
It was perfect, not only was he the paragon of virtue but was instantly brandable with his long beard and majestic presence. Already there was talk about sponsorships. This was the General that was known for his ‘peerless beard’ after all, who better to sell hair care products?
Unfortunately General Yun Chang was very old, much older than Captain Steve Rogers. It was quite difficult to gather enough Super Serum to thaw him. The Chinese scientists assured the selection committee that everything was fine, they had a recipe and sample of the original formula, and they could expect their own Chinese Super Soldier to wake up in the next three months.
We’ll all get our promotions , said the head scientist to the head committee. There’s nothing to worry about.
The committee approved instantly. Funding secured, General Yun Chang’s body was being prepared, all was going well. The scientists congratulated each other. What could go wrong?
Now we move away from the hoity-toity capital of Beijing into a tiny village in Chengdu. If you look closer, closer, zoom all the way on a tiny village so small that even Google Maps will have problems finding it, then you can meet Official Tan.
Official Tan was a small 27th-rank official.
He was the local official working in the ministerial office in a no-name Chengdu suburb. At the tender age of 25, he had joined the civil service with bright eyes but was neither ruthless nor clever enough to secure a cushy career track in Beijing. Instead he was sent to a village -- not even a 4th or 5th tier city; to manage administrative work.
His township had more goats than people. Official Tan’s small (only) consolation was at least, he didn’t have to breathe Beijing smog every day or so he said to himself even as he looked enviously at his classmates’ daily status updates.
Really he was so unlucky, he thought to himself as he scrolled his news feed. If only he could get a taste of those delicious sheng jian bao! Walk in a clean white office in a nice suit, and chat up a pretty receptionist! Hah, he was lucky if he could even get Wi-Fi reception up in these mountains!
But this time, this time, his luck would surely change. Official Tan thought to himself. So okay, he was not part of any of this Super Soldier Team China business, but he had been enlisted by a committee to retrieve the bodies of Immortals from his mountains.
It was a very prestigious job, said the committee. Very important, they told him. They even invited him to an elite super-secret WeChat Immortal Retrieval group chat that were only for local ministers like him.
(Which committee, he wasn’t sure except that it came to him in a very expensive paper with a very complicated looking official seal stamped on it. It was a very big seal, he had spent a good ten minutes admiring it. He never had something so official and important looking sent to him before. It was so exciting!!)
Anyway, Official Tan was very proud of his job well-done. He had not only retrieved one immortal, but FOUR immortals from his mountain tops, a feat that he was sure no other local official managed. He was very proud of this, posted daily updates on the WeChat about his success.
He even thought of doing an entire tourism campaign around this. After all, how many people could say they had the highest per capita density of Immortals?! Really, fortune was truly beginning to smile on him!
And then came the news from the top that the committee selection process had ended, and they had decided to go with another immortal. So sorry, they said. We’ll be using all super serum for General YunChang only. Thanks for your service.
No letter. No stamp. Not even an official email. They simply sent a general update to everyone involved in the group WeChat.
Official Tan stared at his phone in shock as resentment simmered in his belly. Who did these bastards think they were? Lazy fucks sitting in their cushy office with air conditioning as he sweated his guts out in this village? What the fuck! He had all these plans about his upcoming promotion, all his blood, sweat and tears.
How unfair! Official Tan scowled angrily. He went through the same civil service exams as they did, endured the grueling interview process as they did. So why did they get so much more recognition than him? It wasn’t like any of them actually came down from Beijing to haul the Immortal bodies themselves, of course not, they would be too weak to dirty their own hands with hard work.
Really, he muttered angrily to himself. What were the selection committee thinking? Using all the Super Serum on ONE Immortal? What was so special about that guy anyway? He had FOUR equally good-looking, perfectly good thaw-ready Immortals in his warehouse. Wouldn’t it be a better deal to use the serum to wake up FOUR Immortals instead of wasting it all on one Immortal? Wasn’t the goal of the Chinese Party to have their own team of superheroes?
You can’t have a team of superheroes with only one Immortal! What are they thinking?!
Official Tan thought decisively to himself as a plan formed in his mind. He was going to do this. He was going to get the Super Serum and use it on his Immortals.
He was going to make China great again, he was going to get his fucking promotion and he was going to do it by himself.