Chapter Text
“So all the paperwork is in. It’s official.” Shiro beams, glasses on top of his head as he lounges in bed, video chatting with Keith on his data pad for the fourth time that week.
“You’re gonna be a kickass dad.” Keith smiles. He’s taking a moment to relax as well, still in his senior blade uniform, but he’s tucked away in his quarters. His braid is all frizzy and messy from a hard day’s work and for a reason Shiro can’t voice out loud, the sight makes his heart warm a bit. Keith always works so hard. Shiro’s relieved to see him taking a break. “Is uh… Curtis excited?”
“Well, you know he’s a little stoic and stuff, but he seems happy I think. I’m over the moon.” Shiro sighs. “We have a room here in the captain’s quarters we’ll make into the nursery. The case worker for the adoption says it shouldn’t take long for us to find a baby. Two parents with high income. We should be golden.”
“You know I don’t know what the fuck to do with kids, but you better send me baby pictures, Shirogane.” Keith teases. “The Blades around here act all tough, but they swoon when they see human babies. They’ll lose their shit over a little Shiro.”
“You better make a trip down here when the baby comes.”
“It’s you . I’ll be there to help you guys set up, or whatever you need. Someone can fill in for me”. Keith grins and Shiro’s heart gives a guilty thump at the look on his face. “You should call me again tomorrow, so we can talk about the Olkari refugee situation some more. The Blades are pretty on top of it, but we don’t have as many resources at the Atlas yet, so we could collaborate a little more.”
“I’ll bring it up at the meeting tomorrow.” Shiro nods. They do talk a lot of ‘business’ on their frequent video calls, but they always segway into just talking. It’s not weird, he thinks. He’s married and Keith is a galaxy away. They’re still best friends. Just because life took them in different directions doesn’t mean Shiro has to give up talking to the person who gets him the most.
“Takashi?” Curtis enters the bedroom and knocks on the door frame.
“Hm?” Shiro looks up from the screen.
“Dinner’s ready.”
“Already?”
“It’s seven.” Curtis says and Shiro senses he’s suppressing a sigh.
“Do you mind if i I finish up with Keith real quick?”
“It’s been an hour and a half. Come eat.” Curtis says it with a gentle tone, but he leaves and shuts the door behind him. It’s the universal aggravated husband signal and even if Shiro enjoys sitting down to dinner with his husband, he hates to hang up on Keith.
“I uh… I guess I gotta go.” Shiro shrugs. “I’ll call tomorrow and we can talk about the refugee stuff, yeah? Sorry.”
“I’m not gonna keep you from your husband.” Keith rolls his eyes. “Don’t worry about it. Have a nice night, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Shiro sighs. “Talk to you tomorrow.” He gives Keith a weak wave goodbye and reluctantly hangs up the phone call, wishing he could’ve had just fifteen more minutes. Shiro will deny a lot of things, but the thought he most frequently allows himself to have out loud is fuck, he misses having his best friend around. He often imagines what would have happened if his career didn’t become tied to the Atlas and Keith hadn’t been pulled to the Blades, but then he shoves the thought away, too wracked with guilt to think about wanting another possibility than the man he’s with now. A man he loves , he has to remind himself. He loves Curtis. He does.
“Hey, sorry.” Shiro says when he makes his way out to their dining room. Curtis is setting two plates of grilled salmon on the table and Shiro feels a little bad for leaving him to do the cooking for the second night in a row.
“I want to talk.” Curtis says and takes a seat, cocking his head towards the empty chair.
“What’s up?” Shiro frowns, his chest tightening as he sits down across from him. “You okay?”
“I’m not.” Curtis shrugs. “I thought it was something that you would get over and that I could ignore, but with the adoption and everything… Be honest with me.”
“Honest about what?” Shiro’s blood runs cold at the mention of the adoption. Curtis couldn’t pull out on him. Not when they were so close, not when he was so close to finally being a dad. He’s always wanted a kid. He’s nurturing by nature, likes taking care of things, and it was his dream to achieve his career aspirations young and settle down with a happy family. He’d grown up without one of his own. “What’s wrong with the adoption?”
“Takashi.”
“Curtis, what? ” Shiro asks, eyes wide as he looks at his husband across the table.
Curtis just sighs and leans his head on his hand. “When I met you, you were hurting. I knew you loved Keith and I’ve always respected that you guys keep in touch, but you were hurt when he left. I thought I could fill his place and when we got married, I was positive that you were over that, but Takashi, you don’t… You don’t love me.”
“What?” Shiro frowns, his eyes welling up as he looks at him from across the table. “Of course I do. Keith is my friend . He means a lot to me and yeah, I really struggled when we all went our separate ways, but you took care of me. I-I do love you.”
“Why haven’t we had sex all month then?” Curtis asks, his eyes soft and sad at the words.
“I… I-I’ve been overwhelmed with work. The war’s done and we work humanitarian missions now, so I have to pay attention to every detail, or people won’t get the help they need. I just haven’t had the drive.”
“There’s still porn all over your laptop.”
Shiro’s face turns crimson. “That’s private.”
“I found it by accident, but still.” Curtis’s shoulders slump. “I love you, but it’s obvious you don’t feel the same way I do. Even now, I can’t compete at all when it comes to spending time with me or talking to him on the phone. I think you wanted someone to take care of you and that you didn’t want to be alone. I know how badly you want a family, but-”
“Curtis.” Shiro croaks, feeling his mouth quiver at the accusation. He couldn’t say Curtis wasn’t right, but without this, he had nothing. “I would never cheat on you. I-I’m loyal to you and-”
“I know that.” Curtis nods. “I’m not saying you’re a bad husband because you’re not, but you’re just not… in love with me.”
“So what are you saying?” Shiro swallows, tears on the verge of breaking past his eyelids. There was a black hole in his chest. “We’re adopting a baby, you can’t just-”
“That’s why I’m doing this now. We can’t have a kid together, Takashi. This isn’t a marriage that’s built to last and I was just too in love with you to admit it until things got so serious about starting a family.”
“I can be better. W-We can go to couples counseling and we can fix this. I’ll work hard.”
Curtis shakes his head and pokes at the fish on his plate. “We both deserve better than this. I know you won’t leave the Atlas, but there’s a job for me elsewhere. We can pull the adoption paperwork tomorrow. I’m not going to take anything from you.”
“Can’t we talk about this?” Shiro sniffles. “You want to jump straight to divorce? You never even talked to me about this before.”
“I’m not jumping, Takashi. You have to know I’ve felt like this for a long time, but I wanted it to work.” Curtis stands up from his seat and walks over to press a kiss to the top of Shiro’s head. “I’m sorry.”
“No, fuck , Curtis I’m so fucking sorry.” Shiro hiccups. “Look, don’t… D-Don’t go yet. I’m not going to talk you out of leaving me, but can we talk more before you just pack your stuff and just leave?”
“It’s not your fault.” Curtis sighs, his hand still resting on Shiro’s shoulder. “Look, I knew this could happen and I’m the one who was in denial, but can we cut this off before we pull a kid into it? I know how badly you want this, but it’s not fair to me. It wouldn’t be fair to a child either. We can talk all we want to, but that’s how I feel.”
Shiro scrapes his chair back and pulls him into a hug, tears spilling over as he squeezes tight and buries his face in Curtis’s neck. He smells like their shared shampoo and his heart aches at the prospect of being alone, not to mention the fact that he’s apparently hurt someone who loved him. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I swear, I really care about you and I love being married to you.”
“You just love being married.” Curtis says with a little laugh, rubbing Shiro’s back for him as they hug. “Look, it’s… gonna be okay. I’m just as much at fault here as you are for us taking this relationship so far. I think we both knew your heart was hung up on someone else.”
Shiro feels his heart shrivel at those words. What’s he supposed to do now? He can’t have Keith. He’ll have no husband. Sure, he has a career he loves, getting to travel the universe to help people, but that doesn’t fill the hole in his heart - the part of him that needs to go to bed at night with someone there to hold him and the part of him that wants to be a father more than anything.
They talk for hours. It turns into yelling, Shiro clutching the manilla folder with all of their adoption paperwork to his chest like if he can just hold on to it, he can keep this from happening. He won’t let himself sob. He knows this is all his fault and he feels like he isn’t allowed to cry right now, but he still feels so damn angry. A family is within his reach and now he’s going back to square one.
They do eventually settle down and eat dinner while the conversation continues and Shiro laments how he’ll never be able to cook like Curtis does.
He does admit that he felt heartbreak when Keith left for the Blades. He’d thought for a while that deep down, he loved his best friend, but there was a war going on and if he fell in love, really fell in love and something happened to Keith, he just didn’t know if he’d survive it. When the dust settled, he thought maybe, just maybe, they could be something. But then Krolia and Kolivan needed to represent the Galra and there was a power vacuum in the Blades only Keith could fill. He had his dream job with the Atlas and Keith had his with the Blades of Marmora. There wasn’t a way for them to be together without one of them sacrificing something huge. He knew if he begged Keith to stay that he would have, but Shiro couldn’t do that to him. So he chose another man.
Curtis was there. He was sweet and he got Shiro’s mind off of that heartbreak. He took Shiro on dates and he made love to him with attention Shiro hadn’t received since his relationship with Adam. Curtis was there when Shiro needed desperately to vent about a shitty day and his best friend was off on a mission. Curtis was there when Shiro was desperate to be loved and when he proposed, Shiro had been over the moon, but it didn’t change the way his heart thumped when Keith called.
“I’m so sorry.” Shiro whispers when they finish, resting his head on Curtis’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”
“I know.” Curtis says. “I’m gonna pack up and go stay with my brother for a little while, okay? Don’t worry about work. I’m cashing all my vacation days in and I’ll be transferring somewhere else soon.”
“Okay.” Shiro nods in defeat. “You can have half of everything. You don’t have to settle just for your part of it.”
“I make plenty on my own and you earned your captain’s salary. I’m still climbing the ladder.” Curtis gives Shiro’s shoulder a squeeze and stands up from the couch they’d moved the conversation to. “I’ll call soon and we’ll get to sorting this out.”
Shiro just nods again, not wanting his voice to crack if he speaks and he lets Curtis go to their bedroom to pack.
He’s never felt so lost. Where does he go from here? What does he have now?
Shiro doesn’t want to guilt him - not when this whole thing is his own fault. He lets Curtis pack, says goodbye and apologizes one more time when he leaves, leaving the front door unlocked when he shuts it behind him.
He keeps it down until Curtis has left, then shuts himself in the bedroom, falls onto the bed, and sobs. It’s the hardest he’s cried maybe ever. He keeps trying to shut it off, but the tears keep coming and his chest keeps heaving with it until he’s out of tears and exhausted. Maybe he didn’t love Curtis, but his heart aches nonetheless. He doesn’t want to be by himself.
He feels so alone, he can’t help but reach out to the one person he has. He takes the data pad from the nightstand and dials Keith again, praying he’s still awake.
“Shiro?” Keith yawns when he answers. His hair is in a messy braid and he’s tucked into bed, wearing a black tank top that makes him look cozy and adorable. Shiro just wants to hug him like he used to.
“Hey.” He croaks. He doesn’t know what he’ll tell Keith about why his husband has up and left, but he needs to talk to his best friend now more than ever.
“Whoa, hey.” Keith frowns. “What’s going on?”
“I um… I-I just needed to talk to you.”
“Are you okay?”
Shiro shakes his head.
“Where’s Curtis?”
Shiro’s mouth quivers and Keith’s expression softens, his eyes full with warmth and concern. Shiro’s never wanted to see him in person so bad.
“Tell me what happened. It’s okay.”
Shiro knows he can’t tell Keith that his marriage just ended because he still has a crush on him, but part of the truth is enough. He swallows the lump in his throat. “We just… W-We don’t love each other like we should. We got together because it was convenient and it took us a while to admit that, but he doesn’t want us to adopt if our marriage isn’t built to last, so um…” He chokes back a sob and takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling to blink the tears back. He’d be humiliated crying like this in front of anyone else, but it’s Keith. He doesn’t have to be embarrassed. “He’s leaving me.”
“Oh my God, Shiro I’m so sorry.” Keith breathes, eyes wide as he looks at him. “I know how much that adoption meant to you. Are you okay?”
“I’m coping.” He sniffs. “I just want to be a dad so badly, I mean, fuck. Is that so much to ask? A-Am I crazy?”
“You’re not crazy. You’ve wanted that for a long time and having it taken away like this right when it was happening for you just… God, Shiro I’m sorry.”
“I just don’t know what to do now. I’m about to be divorced and I’m not even thirty yet.”
“Well, I mean… Do you need a husband to adopt a kid?” Keith asks and Shiro raises his eyebrows. “You could do it on your own. You make a lot of money, you live on the Atlas, so you don’t really move around much for work. Maybe you could just go for it on your own.”
“What if I can’t handle it?” Shiro sighs. “I mean, God, before this, it was just so easy. I got married and then kids were the next step, but by myself…”
“I mean, you’ll have to take a lot of time to think about it, but don’t feel like that dream is dead just because things didn’t work out with Curtis.” Keith says and Shiro actually does feel better. His heart aches a little more at how comforting Keith is and how much Shiro wishes that life hadn’t taken them in the directions it had, but he can’t dwell on that. Being stuck on Keith is what just killed his marriage. Now more than ever, he needs to shove any romantic thoughts about him away, but he knows he can’t walk away from the friendship. “Shiro?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been through worse than this. Way worse. It’s gonna be okay.”
“Thanks, Keith.” Shiro sighs. “Sorry for waking you up.”
“You’re fine.” Keith laughs and Shiro’s eyes are drawn to the scar on his cheek, heart twinging at the memory of how he got it. “You okay?”
“Better now.”
“Alright, I have to be up early, but if you’re freaking out, call me. Seriously.”
Shiro’s mind flashes back to the nightmares he used to have on the Castle of Lions. Keith would always come into his room when he heard shouting and calm him down, occasionally spend the night just to make sure Shiro wasn’t scared. “I will.” Shiro promises. “Be safe tomorrow, yeah?”
“Always.” Keith winks. “Get some rest, Shiro. I’ll call tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Keith.” Shiro takes a deep breath. “Goodnight.”
**
Shiro goes to work the next morning without Curtis. The Atlas is landed on Earth for the time being and the next mission isn’t for some time. He goes to his board meetings, acts like the strong stoic leader he’s always been and tries not to feel his husband’s absence. He pretends he doesn’t hear the murmurs either. Of course rumors have already spread, but he won’t let those distract him.
Curtis calls that night. He has a lawyer and they’ll have divorce papers by the end of the week. Since they don’t intend to argue over how things will be divided, there isn’t a lot of mediation needed. It almost hurts more how fast the process will be for them, like their marriage was always destined for this end, but Shiro supposes it was. Hopefully he’ll find someone else one day and maybe he’ll be able to feel for that person what he feels for the person he can’t have.
Speaking of which, Keith calls as promised and Shiro keeps him on the phone for close to three hours. He loves hearing about Keith’s mission of the day and it’s a pleasant distraction just to hear his voice. It’s low and soothing and Keith always knows how to make him laugh when he’s down.
He stays on the phone while he starts packing Curtis’s things, wanting to make the moving out process is as easy for him as possible. He doesn’t quite know what to do with their wedding album. Part of him wants to keep it. He really had been happy that day - incredibly so. He puts it on the top shelf of the closet. He’ll give it to Curtis if he asks, but if not, he’ll salvage the memories. Maybe he can learn something from them.
The next day, they pull out of the adoption agency.
The day after that, Curtis’s brother comes to the Atlas and Shiro quietly helps him back his pick up truck with all of Curtis’s things. The MFE pilots, being the insatiable gossips they are, are the first to ask him about it - because of course they spied a little when they saw their Captain and his brother in-law carrying boxes out of his quarters.
“Are things okay?” Nadia asks Shiro when she catches him in the hall the next day.
“Okay with what?” Shiro responds with an even voice. The last thing he wants is for his crew to be worrying about him.
“Um… Curtis hasn’t been to work and were you packing his stuff up?”
Shiro sighs as they walk towards the board room. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but he doesn’t want to lie either. “We’re getting a divorce. He’ll be transferring. Someone will replace him before the mission, so you have nothing to worry about.”
“Oh.” She frowns. “Geeze, are you okay?”
“Fine.” Shiro says as they approach the room and he punches in the access code. “Let’s just focus on what needs to be done.”
**
Keith can’t talk that night. He’s on a longer mission and Shiro knows he needs to be able to keep his shit together without spending hours having Keith talk him to sleep - especially if he’s supposed to be working on not being in love with his best friend.
He’s wide awake at two a.m. He can’t call Keith and sure, he could call the other paladins - no doubt the other paladins would hear the news from the Atlas crew by tomorrow - but none of them had the calming effect he needed. There’s a desire that itches at the back of his mind, but he knows he shouldn’t. It’s against everything he should be trying to do to progress, but God if he doesn’t get some sleep soon, he’ll die. He hasn’t done it since Keith left the planet.
Shiro swallows his guilt and reaches for his laptop on the nightstand. He was pretty mortified that Curtis had seen his search history, but he pulls up PornHub anyways. There’s a… particular actor Shiro likes. Someone who’s a little pale with dusty black hair that’s a little too long and reminds him of Keith’s. He types in the cheesy porn nickname and picks the first video that pulls up, trying not to hate himself too much as he watches and slips his hand into his boxers.
He turns the volume up and shuts his eyes, lets his mind wander with a little freedom. He’s getting divorced. He can think about whatever he wants, but his heart hurts as he wonders if Keith moans like this. He wants to know so bad and an image pops into his head as he strokes himself. It had been innocent back then, but of course over the course of their friendship, he’d seen Keith naked. There were communal showers at the Castle and they’d shared them a few times. It wasn’t weird. They were best friends. Shiro felt like he was doing something awful, like he was a voyeur as he pictured Keith’s body, warm and soaked in hot water, but the picture made him moan. It was a fantasy he repressed for years now. He pictures the curve of Keith’s ass as he listens to the audio from his laptop. He thinks about the side glances he’d gotten in the past of what his cock looked like and how it was so pink and bigger than he’d expected and how he wants it in his mouth and-
“Hh!” Shiro comes with a gasp, earlier than he meant to as he spurts over his fist and against the fabric of his underwear, toes curling as he jerks off through the orgasm. Fuck. Fuck. What was wrong with him? He uses his prosthetic to hover over and close the window on his laptop, shutting the computer and placing it back on the nightstand as he recovers from what he’s just done.
This is worse. This is so much worse. Without the distraction of someone else in his bed, Shiro is more hung up on Keith than ever and it makes tears well up in his eyes. He’s ruined. What if he can’t feel this way about anyone else? What if he never gets over it? He’ll never have a family. Anyone else he tries to be with will probably leave for the same reason Curtis did if he can’t get a fucking grip.
Shiro sniffles and wiggles out of his boxers, using them to clean up the mess before tossing them onto the laundry basket and curling up with a pillow clutched to his chest.
He’s doomed.
**
“So you guys signed the papers this week?” Allura asks, voice soft as she sits with Lance across from Shiro.
“Yeah. He was… fast.” Shiro grimaces.
“Do you want to come and stay with us for a while?” Lance offers, but Shiro shakes his head.
“You guys are newlyweds. I wouldn’t want to be a third wheel and I’m fine staying on the Atlas. I actually like being distracted with work and everything.” Shiro stirs his coffee absentmindedly. It was a nice convenience that a café had opened on Garrison grounds. “It’s all just happened so fast and we had to pull the adoption paperwork.”
“I’m sorry, Dude.” Lance sighs in sympathy and Shiro hates that everyone’s pitying him - even if he’s pretty pitiful. “We all know how much that meant to you.”
“Can I ask you guys something?”
“Of course.” Allura nods.
“I’m thinking of adopting as a single parent.” Shiro says, looking up from his untouched latte. “It’s difficult, but I think I can handle it. Am I nuts for wanting to jump into that right after divorce?”
“I don’t think you are.” Allura shakes her head. “Shiro, we all know you. You’d be an amazing father whether or not you have a husband.”
“I think that’s mostly the reason I married Curtis in the first place. I feel horrible.” Shiro takes a deep breath. “But thanks. I’m gonna talk to the agency as soon as the divorce is final and talk about becoming a parent on my own.”
“Does Keith know?” Lance raises an eyebrow.
“We talk, so he knows everything that’s going on.” Shiro thinks about asking the two of them if they’d be interested in being Godparents. It was a question him and Curtis had been meaning to ask, but now that he was starting from square one of the adoption process all over again, it felt too early. Plus, the two of them would probably be thinking about kids of their own soon. He shouldn’t get too attached to all of his parenthood fantasies quite yet.
“Well hopefully he’ll swing by Earth soon. I’m sure you could use him around.” Lance shrugs.
“What does that mean?” Shiro blinks, his cheeks flushing pink. “I-I don’t need to see him. We talk all the time.”
Lance and Allura exchange a look and Shiro frowns.
“Shut up.” He pouts, pushing his cup back. Maybe he was a little obvious.
**
The day they sign the divorce papers, Shiro cries to Keith for an hour on the phone. The quarters feel naked and empty already. His bed feels cold and Curtis’s empty seat by his control panel at work guilts him until he’s emotionally exhausted by the end of the day.
“You’re going through a huge transition. It’s okay to feel this way.” Keith says, his voice kind and soft as Shiro lays in bed with the data pad. It feels good to be the only one that gets to hear Keith like this. He’s a leader too - always strong and stoic, but not with Shiro. With Shiro, he’s honest and open and so comforting that Shiro calms down almost immediately when Keith talks to him.
Shiro tries to still his heart when Keith lets his hair down on camera, but he knows he’s blushing. “Long day too?”
“The longest.” Keith sighs. “We’re training new blades. There’s a lot of Galra weaponry lying around on this planet that we have to find and dismantle to make sure nothing goes off and hurts civilians, but there’s so much of it and these guys are so new . One of them nearly stepped on a landmine today.”
“Well they’ve got you looking out for them. I’m sure they’ll be fine.” Shiro smiles and his heart warms when Keith smiles back. He misses him so much it hurts. “I’m gonna get the ball rolling on a new adoption case tomorrow. Just me.”
“That’s awesome, Shiro.” Keith grins.
It’s been less than a week and Shiro’s close to giving up on ever getting over this guy. He knows it can’t work, but he’s miserable and the way Keith makes his heart flutter is the best part of his day. He’s going through enough to deny himself a few comforting fantasies.
“Are you feeling better? I’m sorry I can’t actually be there for you right now, but I hope I’m helping.” Keith sighs. “I love the work I’m doing up here, but I do miss you and everything.” He stops and clears his throat. “I mean you and the team, you know? I miss all you guys.”
Shiro’s heart thumps. “I miss you too. You’ve been helping a lot, I know I’m a mess. Am I keeping you up too late?”
“I don’t mind.” Keith shrugs. “Tell me more about your day.”
Shiro does. He talks to Keith until he has no clue what to say anymore and he can see his best friend falling asleep, so they say goodnight. He sets the data pad on the nightstand and takes the body pillow from where it lays against the headboard.
It’s completely counterproductive to all the things he’s needs to be doing to be emotionally healthy, but Shiro wants to feel good. He lays on top of the pillow with his boxers discarded next to him and lets himself roll against it, grinding on the fabric for friction and panting hard as he gets off thinking about Keith. He thinks about how long his hair is now and what it would feel like to have Keith on all fours, Shiro gripping his braid as he fucks into him and the mental image draws a moan from his chest as he rolls his hips. It’s an embarrassing way to masturbate, a way he hasn’t done since he got married and was too afraid of getting caught by someone else, but it’s his favorite way. He likes how it feels like he isn’t doing it alone, pretending that the pillow he’s rutting up against is his best friend in the entire universe even though they’re on opposite ends of it.
He’ll work through this. He’ll become a dad on his own and he’ll focus his life on that, on being the best father he can be and he’ll leave his pining behind him, but for now he only wants to think about one thing and he allows himself this one small, unhealthy vice as he jerks his hips and moans it out.
“ Keith .”