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Neil hummed aimlessly along to the tinny music playing from his phone speaker as he worked, moving steadily through each box on the shelf. He knew he was out of tune, but he was also alone, so what did it matter? Now that he had access to the osteology department, he had been spending more and more time since the previous week helping with menial tasks in the lab. Some of it was a little mind-numbing, like his current task organizing long bones, but there was a satisfaction in the work that he hadn’t been expecting.
Maybe it was just the idea that he was working with Andrew now. In a way, this was Andrew’s entire field of study. Now that Neil had gotten his foot in the door, it felt like they were working towards something together. Which shouldn’t have made Neil as happy as it did. After the incident the week before, while nothing else physical had taken place, Andrew had not slowed down with his pointed flirting. It was really starting to become a routine.
Neil wished he knew enough about bones to be able to give Andrew a taste of his own medicine, but for the time being he had to be content with being on the receiving end. Pausing for a moment, Neil let his gaze slip over to the lab table nearest where he knelt on the floor, surrounded by open boxes of femurs. It had happened right there, he thought, his skin heating unconsciously.
He was so sure he was blushing by the time he managed to pull his attention back to the task at hand. What was he doing to himself?
There was a clicking sound from the door as the locks disengaged, a soft whoosh as the door slid open and Andrew stepped into the room. He looked less tired today, Neil noted. He might have even gotten a few good hours of sleep. He was still clothed in the usual way, though, in a faded black t-shirt from some kind of concert, the familiar jean jacket and black jeans that could use a good appointment with a lint roller. “Any progress?” He asked, letting the door fall closed behind him.
Neil shrugged, looking down at the various packets of numbers and labels laid out on the floor in front of him. “Pretty good, I’d say. A couple of them didn’t have tags, so I put them to the side, but mostly everything is there.”
Andrew nodded, faintly pleased. “Well? Don’t mind me. Keep going.”
“What if I wanted to know what you’re working on?” Neil asked, pointedly not getting back to work.
Andrew’s mouth curved in half a grin. “Haven’t you heard about curiosity killing the cat?”
“That’s not the whole saying.” Neil said, crossing his arms. “Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.”
“Fine then, I guess since you really want to know I’ll tell you.” Andrew snorted back a laugh. “I’m working on a cut mark analysis of bones from in Iron Age in Sweden. Sometimes it can be hard to tell where marks in bone came from, but it’s a lot clearer under a microscope.”
Andrew paused for a moment, thinking his words over. “You can tell when a sword was used because there will be a thin sort of trough where the metal made impact. Right where it slid down inside.” He held up a hand, palm and fingers flat, as though to offer a high-five. “Just like this.” He continued, taking two fingers and sliding them down halfway between his middle and ring fingers, letting them rest there for a handful of seconds before stuffing both hands back in the pockets of his jacket.
Neil let out a soft breath and counted to ten. “Wow, that is really interesting.” He managed to reply, desperately trying to keep a straight face. “Anything else I should know?”
Shrugging, Andrew looked around the room. “Well, there are different indicators when a person was dismembered at the joints post or perimortem. That’s called ‘butchery,’ it’s a lot different from a single impact from a weapon. There will be faint lines radiating down from the socket, usually where the joints meet the body. Sometimes when it’s severe you can see them right on the pelvis, right against the hips.”
“Oh? Like, right on the hips?” Neil asked, placing a hand on his upper thigh in demonstration.
That awarded him a full grin. “Sometimes even inside the pelvis itself, if the assailant was clumsy and couldn’t control themselves.”
“Right yeah, I think I get it.” Neil resisted the urge to smirk. “Oh, hold on, I think I dropped something down there…” He had, in fact, dropped the label of one of the boxes on the lowest shelf, but he was going to make as big a deal out of retrieving it as possible. Getting down on his hands and knees, he practically crawled under the shelf, very slowly fishing around in the shadows and dust bunnies for the label.
Scooting quickly back out into the open, Neil shot a triumphant look over his shoulder at Andrew, who didn’t have enough time to disguise the fact that he had clearly been watching. “Got it.” Neil said, waving the label between two fingers.
There was a full silence, the air heavy with expectation before Andrew opened his mouth again. Neil grinned, preparing himself for another innuendo, but what he heard took him completely off guard. “Neil, how do you feel about Thai food?”
Neil blinked, his grin waning. “I mean, I’ve had it a few times. I really like duck, and Thai iced tea is good too. Uh, why?”
“There’s a Thai restaurant I really like downtown.” Andrew continued. Neil stared at him blankly. What was he talking about? “It’s not far from where either of us live.” Andrew said. What did that have to do with anything?”
“Okay?” Neil blinked. Was he missing something?”
Andrew snorted, shaking his head. “I… holy shit. I tried to be subtle, but I guess we can’t have that. Do you want to go out with me for dinner? It’s Friday, I don’t have anything to do. I’m asking you on a date, stupid.”
Neil couldn’t help the way his mouth fell open, like a fish surprised by the presence of air. He had not been expecting that. Somehow, he had gotten the idea that whatever was between him and Andrew wasn’t going to operate on a normal level. A date seemed suspiciously ordinary. Dates were what you did with people you wanted to be in a relationship with. Not the guy whose dick you sucked in a goddamn lab.
“Well?” Andrew asked, a little impatient. “Yes or no. I won’t be offended.”
Did Neil want to? “Yes, yeah I would really like that.” Neil found himself saying, the words rushing out of him before he could apply any kind of critical thinking to them.
A tension in Andrew’s shoulders relaxed. Had he been nervous about asking Neil out? That couldn’t be. Andrew didn’t get nervous. “Good. I’ll pick you up from your place, if you want. Six sound good?”
“Definitely, yeah, that sounds just fine.” Neil replied, his heart squeezing itself into a pulp.
Andrew nodded. “Then I’ll see you at six.”
He was gone before Neil could respond, the door sliding closed behind him, leaving Neil alone with his thoughts. A date, Neil thought numbly as he got back to work. A real, actual date. He had several hours to calm down, and he was going to need every second.
***
Andrew waited until the door of his and Aaron’s apartment was fully closed before leaning heavily back against it, resisting the urge to sink down onto the shitty carpet. What the fuck was that? He had been vaguely considering asking Neil on a real date, but he certainly had not walked into the lab planning on it. Without his permission, the words had simply left him. Not that he didn’t want to take Neil out. He had just thought there would have been more of a thought process involved.
With a heavy sigh, Andrew forced himself off the door and down the stairs to his section of the apartment. Together, he and his brother had partitioned one large split-level apartment into halves. Andrew had the basement, which included a kitchen, a miniscule den, a bedroom and a half bathroom, but this meant that he could only take a shower when Aaron was feeling charitable enough to leave the upstairs door open. Digging in his pocket for his key, Andrew stepped into the serene darkness of the den, not bothering to turn on the light before closing the door.
The cool darkness would give him a little space to calm down. Andrew had maybe 45 minutes to get ready. Luckily, he had taken a shower that morning, so he didn’t have to ask Aaron for anything. God forbid his twin find out that he was going on an actual date. Andrew would never hear the end of it.
What else did he have to do? After a minute or two of darkness, Andrew sought out the lightswitch. He didn’t know whether he should change his clothes or not. Was it that serious? He wanted to look good, though. Rifling through his small closet, Andrew decided on a short-sleeved black button-up, a black varsity jacket, and a pair of dark blue jeans that had accumulated less lint than he thought was possible for an item of clothing coming out of his wardrobe. Of course, he would have to leave the jacket on the whole time, but it wasn’t a terribly hot day and they would probably stay inside.
He may as well cover his bases. Once his teeth were brushed and his hair somewhat combed, Andrew gave himself a gentle spray of cologne. The bottle had been nearly full, which just made him feel stranger about using it. Did going to dinner with Neil really merit the need to smell like a fancy hotel room or some shit? Apparently so.
After applying just a touch of eye makeup, Andrew ran his hands over his jaw and chin. Nothing really. He only needed to seriously shave his face every week or so. Maybe someday he would need to more often, but the way things were now, his facial hair grew slower than he had ever imagined it would.
Heading back into the kitchen, he spared a look at the clock on hic microwave. It was 5:40. Was there anything else he needed? Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “Andrew. Hey.” Aaron’s voice came through, muffled but still distinctly irate. “I need the washing machine, let me in.”
While Andrew had to frequent Aaron’s half of the apartment for the shower, Andrew had come away with an equally necessary resource; the washer and dryer, which lurked in an alcove behind the half bathroom. “Fuck.” Andrew muttered to himself. They did have an arrangement. Every friday, Andrew would let Aaron in to do a load of laundry. This was fine. He would just act natural.
“Yep, alright. Here you go.” Andrew said, as calmly as possible, opening the door for his brother. Aaron stood in the doorway, cradling his laundry basket, still wearing his scrubs from his shift at the local hospital. His eyes travelled slowly from the top of Andrew’s head down to his feet.
“What are you all dressed up for? You smell like commercials for suits look.” Aaron sighed, pushing his way into the den.
Andrew shrugged. “Can’t I smell nice once in a while? Now that I don’t remind people of a gas station parking lot whenever they stand near me, I thought maybe I would make an effort.”
“Yeah, okay, sure. You’re going out somewhere. I get it, don’t tell me.” Aaron replied, dropping the laundry basket onto the carpet with a thump.
What was the point in hiding it anymore? “It’s a date.” Andrew said, simply.
Aaron froze, looking up from the laundry with wide eyes. “Wait, sorry, what?”
“I told you.” Andrew muttered. “I’m going on a date. Bye.”
“No, wait, seriously?” Aaron straightened up completely. “With who?” Andrew couldn’t blame Aaron for being so surprised. He barely told Aaron where he was going on days that he didn’t have anything planned. This was an unprecedented breach of the distance they normally kept.
Andrew really didn’t have anything left to lose at that point. “I met a guy at Palmetto. He’s new, he’s in the archaeology program too. His name is Neil.” That was as much as he was willing to give up.
Aaron blinked, looking completely stunned. “I think that’s the most you’ve ever told me about any guy you’ve ever liked. Period. What did I do exactly?”
“Nothing. It’s not like I’m hiding him.” Andrew said, averting his eyes. “We’re just going out for dinner. It’s not like a giant deal.”
“Well, uh… good luck?” Aaron said after a moment or two, his voice strangely hopeful. “I… hope it’s nice. Yeah.” It was clear that Aaron didn’t know what to say, but once again, Andrew couldn't blame him.
“I’ll let you know how it goes.” Andrew replied, fully intending on not letting Aaron know how it went. He saw himself out, hurrying back up to the curb and sliding into his car. He had fifteen minutes to pick up Neil. He was going to try and spend them not thinking about his twin brother.
***
Neil spent the last few minutes before Andrew picked him up staring at his own face in the mirror. He looked fine, right? His hair was being a little uncooperative after his shower, but no less so than usual. Was it too much for him to have put on a button-down shirt? It was only a flannel, but still. Was that a pimple on his forehead? He washed his face several times, just to make sure there wouldn’t be any other blemishes to worry about.
He wasn’t nervous, Neil tried to convince himself, as he headed down the stairs of his apartment building to the curb. This was a totally normal situation, it was just dinner. He was okay.
By the time he got down to the street, Andrew was already waiting for him. The sun was definitely setting, but it hadn’t gone too far down, and it bathed everything in a warm orange light. Andrew’s window was open, and Neil could faintly hear music playing from inside the car. Letting a nervous little smile slip onto his face, Neil waved quickly at Andrew before hurrying around the car to the passenger’s side door.
The car was not much cleaner than the last time Neil had been in it. The same mess filled the center console, the same horde of miscellaneous CDs spilling out of the glove box. What was different was Andrew. Neil had only an instant to take in the change. For one thing, his hair looked combed. For another, he was wearing a shirt with buttons, and although it wasn’t tucked in, Neil could not recall seeing Andrew in a button-down shirt the entire time he had known him. Also, he smelled good.
“Hey, you look really nice.” Neil found himself saying. And it was the honest truth.
Andrew pressed his lips together, taking the car out of park. “Flattery will get you nowhere, Neil.” He sighed. But there was definitely a hint of warmth to Andrew’s cheeks, Neil noted.
“Lying won’t get you anywhere either,” Neil shot back, unable to control his mouth. “You know you look good. And you like that I like it.”
“You can provoke me when I’m not driving a vehicle.” Andrew retorted, weakly. Neil couldn’t help the smug look he knew was creeping onto his face. So far so good.
They drove in relative silence after that, the restaurant only being a few blocks away. Neil didn’t feel pressed to fill the space with words. It was comfortable like this; the radio playing a song that felt like how the light-bathed streets looked, Andrew’s hands lightly tapping on the steering wheel, Neil’s restless heart settling back into an almost normal rhythm.
The last time Neil had been on a date was junior year of his undergraduate degree. It had been very awkward, to say the least. Neil hadn’t known what to do from start to finish. Just for kicks, Neil had spent a couple of weeks on a dating app. What was the harm in trying it out? Well, for a start, Neil had just barely started testosterone at the time. His anxiety on all things related to hormones knew no bounds. Secondly, while his date meant well, he was painfully cis. He was tone deaf to an absurd degree, loudly questioning why Neil was so nervous to use the bathroom in the movie theatre, getting confused any time Neil used terminology even vaguely related to being trans.
That had been the end of that. The next day Neil deleted the app, and resolved to just focus on getting his diploma. He had a couple of friends, so that would satisfy any urges for companionship he might have. And when it came to other concerns, he had two good hands and a dorm with a lock on it. He was fine.
This was different. Neil wanted to be here. There was something deeply relieving in knowing that Andrew would understand things about his life that Neil found so difficult to communicate in words.
Andrew parked his car on main street, only a block away from the restaurant. It was a short walk, but it felt like a thousand years; Andrew’s right hand was out of his pocket, swinging at his side. It would be very easy for Neil to reach down and take it. But should he? Was that allowed? It was unbearably stupid that a man could literally put his mouth on Neil’s dick and Neil would still be nervous to hold hands with him.
He could do this. What did he have to lose? Very carefully, Neil let his fingers brush against Andrew’s, trying to make it seem natural. There was a moment’s hesitation, during which Neil’s heart leapt into his throat, but it settled back down into his chest when Andrew gently slid their hands together, giving Neil’s hand a squeeze so soft it was almost imperceptible.
Now all Neil had to do was act like this was normal for him. “What do you usually get from here?” He asked, opening the door of the restaurant. It was much less bright inside than outside, the softer light reflecting off the dark wood laquer of tables and chairs.
“I’ve only been here a couple of times, but I think the cellophane noodles are my favorite.” Andrew looked away from Neil to address the hostess. “Table for two. Please.”
Neil was loathe to release Andrew’s hand, but it was a little silly to keep holding hands while they were sitting across from each other, right? Letting go of Andrew, Neil slid into his side of the booth, looking quickly at the drink menu. “I think I’ll have a glass of white.” Andrew said, pointing to the menu. White wine. Right. People sometimes had alcohol on dates.
Neil decided not to mention anything. They had barely been in the restaurant for two minutes. He was not about to bring up any of his issues before they even got their goddamn food. He settled for just ordering iced tea and trying not to think about home.
What did people normally talk about on dates? Neil wanted to know more about Andrew, but he didn’t want to pry. “Where did you do your undergrad?” Dammit. That was almost as bad as ‘what’s your major?’
“I went to Duke. It was pretty okay. You?”
“Johns Hopkins, in Baltimore. I was born in Maryland, actually.” That was a relatively insignificant detail. Neil had to get used to sharing things about himself. He could just skirt around unpleasant patches.
Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Interesting. My brother and I were both born in Boston, but since we got accepted to Duke we figured we would stick it out together.”
“You have a brother? I’m an only child.”
“Yeah, we’re twins. His name is Aaron. He’s going to med school right now. It’s kind of poetic. He learns how to save people’s lives, I learn how to look at bones and try to guess how people lived.”
“When did you first know that like… this is what you wanted to do?”
Andrew thought it over, playing with the edge of his menu aimlessly. “When I was a little kid I always loved stuff about mummies and the ancient dead. There was something about it that just attracted me. The idea that your body has a life that is longer than yours. One thing I was allowed to do as a kid was go to the library. I would just check out so many books about ancient Egypt and fossils and mummified people from like, prehistory. And then for a while there I kind of forgot. I think by the time I got to senior year of high school and it was really obvious that I needed to decide to do something with my life I actually remembered that I used to care about learning. So I started trying really hard again.” Andrew spread his hands. “And now I’m here.”
Neil couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “That’s really amazing. It’s like you were always meant to do this.”
“I don’t know if I believe in fate or anything like that.” Andrew shrugged. “But in this instance I think I’m inclined to agree. I really don’t know what I would have ended up doing if not this.”
“It seems like you really like putting things together from really disparate clues. You have a good memory, but more so for facts than for numbers. Maybe something solving crimes? Forensics?” Neil guessed. He could definitely picture Andrew at a crime scene, but some of his fantasy was influenced by CSI shows and couldn’t possibly be accurate.
Andrew seemed to mull it over. “It is sort of similar, yeah. At the end of the day it all does lead back to the human body though.”
The human body. The drinks came. Neil ordered his food. His conversation with Andrew continued in fits and starts. But Neil found himself unable to stop thinking about Andrew’s body. Andrew had already seen Neil without half his clothes, and it was the half that mattered. Andrew was handsome, sure, in a very particular way. But what did he look like less than fully clothed? Now that Neil had taken a step onto the slippery slope of daydreaming, he found that he couldn’t claw his way back up. This he could blame on testosterone for sure.
Aside from his wandering mind, this was going a lot better than… well, any other date Neil had ever been on. It felt natural to talk to Andrew. Neil wasn’t forcing himself to say meaningless words just to fill space, which is what he normally felt like he was doing. Midway through his plate of duck and noodles it occurred to him that he might actually be having fun.
All in all, it took them an hour to finish the meal, but it felt like twenty minutes. By the time Neil cleared his plate, he was starting to almost dread the end of the evening. Was he supposed to tell Andrew that? Would that be too desperate? The waitress made a last pass by their table. “Are you ready for the check?”
A small part of Neil’s brain wanted to say no, but he shoved it down. “Yeah, thank you.” He said, giving the woman a small smile. When she returned, check in hand, she seemed to look nervously between Andrew and Neil for a moment before gingerly placing the check in front of Neil.
The moment the waitress was out of earshot, Andrew snorted, shaking his head. “What are you laughing at?” Neil asked, baffled, but Andrew shrugged him off, waving a hand in dismissal. What was so funny? Neil thought, placing his bank card in the plastic tray, leaving his tip in cash on the table.
By the time they stepped back out onto the street, the sun had already gone down. It was a mild night, the air humid, insects swarming in halos around every available street light. “I was thinking,” Andrew said, holding his hand out ever so slightly, “if you aren’t in any kind of rush to get home, we could walk around and… I don’t know, window shop. I get it if you don’t want to, though.”
It took some doing for Neil to disguise how elated he was. “No, yeah, I’d like that!” He managed, taking Andrew’s hand once again. A brief shiver passed over Neil as their skin came into contact. Now his mind was wandering again, back to the way Andrew’s lips had felt, back to the way Andrew had kissed him. This wasn’t the time to mention anything about that, though. Andrew was already leading the way down the street, and Neil had no choice but to follow along.
First they stopped in a used book store, Andrew heading right for the poetry section. Neil wouldn’t have presumed Andrew liked poems as much as he did, but here was another thing he was learning about the man. The place in his mind where he was storing information about Andrew was growing more crowded by the second. There were too many things to add; the way Andrew’s voice softened when he read “Bright Star” out loud, the knowledge that Andrew preferred the romantic poets over more modern ones, the gentle way he turned time-brittle yellowed pages. Neil had to scramble to keep up. He couldn’t get enough, either.
In one of several thrift stores, Andrew watched patiently as Neil rifled through a rack of shirts, looking for even one that was small enough to fit him. “Look,” Andrew said, “I get it. Men’s clothes are bullshit. I’m gonna be honest, I get a lot of mine out of the kid’s section. They are not made for us.”
“Pft. That’s dumb as fuck.” Neil replied, pushing the last of the hangers out of the way. All too big.
“It absolutely is.” Andrew sighed, and before Neil could stop him he reached out, lifting several hangers and letting the shirts simply drop to the floor. “Whoops.”
Neil laughed, feeling satisfied. Finally. Someone got it. He felt the momentary urge to kiss Andrew right then and there, but something wouldn’t let him. Sure, they were on a date, but… no, it just wasn’t right. He could wait.
After a brief look into a music store and a shop that sold various polished gemstones, Andrew and Neil reached the end of the block. “Wanna keep going?” Andrew asked, nodding his head to the other side of the crosswalk.
“I haven’t really looked around much down there yet. What’s that store?” Neil pointed across the street, to a store on the corner. At least, he hoped it was a store. There was a door with hours on it, sure, but there were no windows, and he couldn’t seem to locate a sign.
Andrew snorted. “Oh, that’s a sex shop.”
Neil weighed his options. Ah, what the hell. “Could we-?”
“Go in there? I mean, it could be fun.” Andrew grinned. “Do you really want to?”
“Yes.” Neil said, with finality. “I’m assuming you’ve been in there before?”
“Oh, a few times. Surprisingly, they have good supplies there for trans people. I got my first couple packers there, and boxers for them too.” Andrew waited until the light changed before leading Neil across the road and directly into the shop.
Neil wasn’t sure what he had been expecting. The inside of the store was divided into several long, thin aisles, one aisle dominated by various DVDs, the next by… yep, those were dildos alright. “I’ve never actually been in one of these places before.” Neil admitted, trying not to appear as wide-eyed as he felt.
“There’s a first time for everything.” Andrew gave Neil’s hand the slightest squeeze, sending his heart racing. “If it means anything, I think most of the stuff in here is just funny. Like really, what is this? Who is getting their rocks off to this?” Andrew picked up a DVD with his free hand, the cover displaying a porn parody of Downton Abbey entitled ‘Down on Abby.’
“There’s someone out there! There are billions of people in the world, I bet someone would find this… appealing. I mean, I can’t imagine it, but I bet somebody somewhere could?” Neil laughed, turning into an aisle of various restraints. “I sort of hate these though, I’m gonna be honest. They look like cookie monster.” Neil pointed to a pair of fuzzy blue handcuffs, the illustration on the package showing a very pleased looking man strapped down to a bed.
Andrew rolled his eyes. “At least those are useable. This kind of thing is just intolerable to think about. Just look at it.” Andrew pointed to a very large plastic container, which held an eighteen inch long, bright pink dildo, complete with tiny flecks of glitter.
“That looks like it’s alive, like it’s an alien worm.” Neil was on a roll now. “What about that one?” He gestured to a fleshlight that ended in a semi-realistic foot.
“That’s just awful. I don’t even have a joke about that one. It’s just an abomination.” Andrew stared at it, sighing heavily.
Neil looked quickly up and down the aisle for more toys to mock, but he stumbled across something else instead. Almost at the back of the store, there was a shelf full of strap-ons. Neil had never found himself wanting one before, but looking at them now made him stop and think. What would it feel like to wear one? There were a couple of silly multi colored ones, but for the most part they were pretty realistic looking.
Still holding Neil’s hand, Andrew seemed to catch on, taking a few steps towards the shelf. “You don’t have a joke for these.” His eyes slid back around to catch Neil’s. “Well?”
“Well what?” Neil asked, his mouth dry.
“Do you want one?” Andrew replied, words blunt and honest.
Neil mulled it over with half his brain, while the other half spiraled into flustered panic. They were sort of expensive. But now that he thought about it, if Andrew was offering, why not take him up on it? He’d play dumb a little longer and see what came of it. “Want one for what?” He tried to keep a clueless tone in his voice.
Andrew picked up the nearest box, which contained a harness and a simple, curved, black dildo. It didn’t really resemble a dick, but the claim on the box that it vibrated definitely caught Neil’s eye. The price tag almost made him tell Andrew to put it back, but Andrew cut him off. “To use. On me.”
“Give me a second,” Neil said, his mind going blank. He had not expected Andrew to be so bold. He really should have, though. Didn’t he learn his lesson last time? If Andrew was offering, then he meant it. Neil had been thinking about Andrew all night. This was his chance, if anything. “Okay. I had my second.” He nodded. “Yeah. You don’t have to pay for it though, it’s a lot of money, so-”
“No, I will pay for it.” Andrew tucked the box under his arm. “Why stop there? Anything else you like?”
What was he going to do, say no? “Let me look around.” Neil said, letting his hand slip out of Andrew’s and wandering around the store in a loop, picking up anything that caught his eye or his imagination. A relatively cheap, nondescript vibrator? Why not. A glass butt plug? It might feel good, Neil had never tried. Somehow, the idea of Andrew helping him with it went right to his libido. Flavored lube? They would probably need it anyway, and Neil did like strawberries.
Items in hand, Neil displayed them to Andrew. “How’s this?”
“Not bad.” Andrew nodded. “I just have one suggestion. But if you aren’t comfortable with it, then it’s fine.” He paused, the corner of his mouth working. “How do you feel about being restrained?”
Ordinarily the thought of being held down or trapped would have sent Neil into a panic. However, something about this was different. “I honestly don’t really know.” He sighed. “But I can say I am willing to at least try it out. I promise… if it gets too much I’ll tell you.”
“Alright. I trust you on that.” Andrew gave him a small smile, bending down to pick a set of padded leather handcuffs off the shelf. “Are these alright?”
Neil poked the inside of the cuffs with one finger, feeling the padding. It was pretty soft. And if he couldn’t handle it, Andrew would take them off. “Yeah, that’s fine. Are you really sure you’re okay with paying for everything?”
Andrew was already heading for the register, letting his actions suffice for a response. Neil definitely hadn’t left the house thinking this was where his night would go. Once Andrew had finished their purchase, Neil held out his hands, accepting the opaque plastic bag. “So we’re doing this? Tonight? Now?” He asked, tentatively.
“If that’s what you want. If you need some time to clean up you can have as long as you want in my bathroom, but I don’t have a shower, so if that’s a concern we can definitely take a rain check on this.” Together they walked back down the street, the glow of street lamps looming in the humid dark, each light-bulb a planet in its own solar system.
Neil let out a shallow breath. “I definitely want to do this. I don’t need a shower, I took one before I left. You?”
Andrew paused, his hand just reaching the driver’s side door of his Toyota. “I’ve been thinking about it all night.” He replied, voice low but soft. “About touching you again. Does that answer it for you?”
Blushing furiously, Neil nodded, quietly heading around to the passenger’s side. Something about the way Andrew had spoken was so deeply sincere, it shook Neil right to the core. Not only did he have a boner, but his insides were coiled up onto themselves like poisonous snakes. Yes, that definitely answered it for him.
The car started, Andrew pulling back onto the road. He was taking Neil home, Neil realized with a jolt. To his actual house. This was already more serious than Neil thought it would ever get, but somehow it didn’t feel strange at all.
***
Andrew hadn’t gone into the evening thinking that it would end with Neil in his bed. But how could he have resisted? From the moment Neil got into his car, Andrew couldn’t help noticing the smallest details about him all over again. Talking to Neil felt good. Natural, even. What else had he learned about Neil? That he liked listening to poems more than he liked reading them himself. That he had tried and failed several times to learn piano, but had picked up the violin in middle school. That his favorite color for clothes was grey, but that his favorite gemstone was topaz.
When Neil looked, wide-eyed, at the shelf full of strap-ons, desire hit Andrew like a truck. How could he hold it back? As long as Neil knew what he was getting into, everything was fine. And so far, it seemed that Neil definitely knew what he was getting into.
“My brother is probably home, so just… keep that in mind. He usually stays upstairs, but if he’s asleep we should be quiet until we get into my apartment.” Andrew quickly explained as he unlocked the front door, casting a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure Neil was still there. This was really happening. It almost felt like a dream.
Neil nodded, clutching the plastic bag even tighter. “Got it.” He said, pantomiming zipping his lips closed. Andrew opened the door, guiding Neil into the foyer and down the stairs.
The instant they were safely in Andrew’s apartment, the door closed and locked behind him, Andrew’s self control took an all-expenses-paid trip somewhere very far away. Taking the bag out of Neil’s hands, Andrew half dropped, half tossed it onto the couch. “We need to set a few ground rules first. Before we do anything.” Andrew said, making sure he had Neil’s attention. “I need full disclosure. Is there any part of your body that I can’t touch, or anything that is absolutely off-limits?”
Neil leaned back against Andrew’s door, thinking it over. “Not really that I can think of except… I mean, I don’t want to surprise you, I have a lot of weird scars. But that’s fine, those you can touch. I just haven’t had top surgery yet. I think it would be really uncomfortable if you touched my chest like, full-on contact, but if you did it over my shirt or something that wouldn’t bother me. Uh… yeah, I think that’s everything. What about you, is there anything I should know?”
Andrew took a deep breath. “Yeah. If you can avoid holding me down, then do, at all costs. Don’t surprise me, I don’t like surprises. I don’t really care if you touch my chest, I haven’t had surgery either. But don’t pull on me, or press me down. Don’t grab my hips either, at least not without me knowing. I’ll let you know if something crosses a line. If I need to stop, I’ll tell you.” It was kind of a laundry list, but it was a necessity. “Not that I think you wouldn’t stop. Not that I think you will cross a line. I just need you to know.”
“Of course.” Neil said, his voice so sincere it almost made Andrew’s heart skip a beat. “Yeah, I get it. Completely understood. Anything else?”
“Can I kiss you?” Andrew asked, letting his voice trail off. Neil bit his lip, giving a quick nod, and Andrew was gone. Holding Neil by the front of his shirt, Andrew pulled him down into a kiss. At first, Neil was surprisingly cautious, his mouth soft and gentle against Andrew’s, but that didn’t last long. Andrew lightly grazed his teeth against Neil’s lower lip, just barely making contact, but Neil still gasped, lips parting, letting Andrew hold him against the door.
Neil was adorably vocal. When he took Andrew’s hands, guiding them down to rest against his own waist, Neil let a soft noise slip into Andrew’s mouth. As Andrew’s tongue slid over his, Neil hummed low in his chest, the sound reverberating through Andrew’s core. When they paused, Neil needing a moment to catch his breath, his shallow gasps seemed to fill the room.
Andrew wanted to kiss him sore and senseless, wanted to draw every possible sound out of him. “Couch?” Neil asked, between kisses, and Andrew indulged him, leading him to the clearest couch cushion and sliding into his lap, straddling his hips.
“Is this okay?” Andrew asked, settling down fully in Neil’s lap.
“Yeah, it’s perfect, just- keep kissing me?” Neil looked up at him, and Andrew thought for half a second about how pretty Neil’s eyelashes were before leaning back in and granting his wish.
Their kisses devolved quickly, getting messier, Andrew losing track of time in them. “Can I give you a hickey? Or try. I don’t know how great I’ll be at it.” Neil volunteered, his mouth sliding down to the crook of Andrew’s neck.
“Yes,” Andrew breathed. Neil tried his best, pulling skin lightly between teeth. He wouldn’t leave much of a mark at that rate. He wasn’t being nearly forceful enough, but fuck if it didn’t feel good. Andrew bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself quiet, unconsciously rocking his hips ever so slightly. By the time he realized what he was doing, he was already very hard, his dick pressing directly onto the inseam of his boxer-briefs.
Neil snuck a look up at him, his mouth pink, lips swollen. “Are you ready?” He asked, each word ragged around the edges.
If Andrew stayed in Neil’s lap any longer, he would probably end up coming in his pants, and nobody needed that. Reluctantly, he disentangled himself from Neil, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, let me just fix my room up really quick. The bathroom is over there.” Andrew pointed, grabbing the bag of toys and hurrying into his room before Neil could see that he was blushing. Andrew hadn’t gotten this flustered about anything in years. He just needed a minute or two to compose himself.
And to clean up his room, which was a little disgusting. Andrew worked quickly, scooping dirty clothes into a corner of his closet, pushing random papers off the desk in the corner and stuffing them into a folder. His bed was half made, but just in case Neil cared, Andrew quickly drew up the sheets and comforter, arranging the pillows. Better.
Was he supposed to make this romantic somehow? It was weird to think of the sex as part of the date, and not a discrete hook-up. Rooting around in his end table, Andrew found a half-burned candle that claimed to smell like the ocean. He had way too many lighters still laying around. Maybe the candle smell would help disguise the way his carpet still sort of smelled like cigarettes. As an extra touch, he hooked his phone up to a small bluetooth speaker rattling around in the drawer, letting his music play softly.
Now there was only the matter of Andrew’s own body. At this point, it didn’t really matter to him if Neil saw his scars. Andrew had a feeling Neil would understand, that he wouldn’t suddenly see Andrew as weak. Kicking off his shoes, jeans and jacket, Andrew sat down on his bed, unbuttoning his shirt all the way to reveal his binder. That was enough for now.
Opening the plastic bag, Andrew set aside the glass plug, the lubricant and the handcuffs, taking out both the vibrator and the strap-on to put batteries in them. The vibrator he placed on the end table as well, taking a moment to examine the strap-on. It wasn’t overly long or thick. Andrew would guess it was seven inches, at most. He could handle that. Pressing the small button at the base of the shaft sent vibrations pulsing in waves through the entire toy. It would probably feel pretty damn good just for Neil to wear it, Andrew thought, turning it back off. The thing might actually be worth the 75 dollars Andrew had dropped on it.
There was a gentle knock at the bedroom door. “Is it okay if I come in?” Came Neil’s voice, muffled. “I’m ready when you are.”
“Come in.” Andrew called, and the door creaked open, revealing Neil in only his boxers, his half-unbuttoned shirt and a slight smile on his bitten lips. The sight of him reminded Andrew’s dick just how hard it had been only a few minutes ago.
“I thought I would do your work for you, I left my clothes and binder on the couch.” Neil explained, closing the door behind him. “That alright?”
“It’s perfectly fine with me. Now I get to enjoy this view.” Andrew grinned, not even bothering to disguise how he was staring.
Neil crossed the room, his face pink. “This is really… nice. You lit a goddamn candle for me. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I did, actually.” Andrew took Neil’s hands, gently guiding him down to sit next to him on the edge of the bed, moving in to brush his lips against Neil’s neck. “Yes?”
Neil hummed quietly. “Fuck, yes.” Andrew wasted no time dotting constellations of hickeys across Neil’s neck, dipping down to mark up his collarbone as well. Neil shivered against Andrew, his breathing coming heavier and heavier, but he didn’t hold Andrew to him. Instead, he shoved his hands under his thighs, holding them down and letting Andrew take control.
It seemed like it was a thousand degrees hotter in the room than it had been before. Andrew tossed his shirt off, binder fully exposed. “Is this okay?” He asked, his mouth still pressed against Neil’s neck, hands moving further up Neil’s chest.
“As long as it’s over the shirt, yeah.” Neil nodded, taking one hand out from under his leg to guide Andrew’s up to his chest. He moved his hand over Andrew’s, squeezing it gently, letting out a soft sound. “Oh. Yeah, that definitely feels better than I thought it would. It feels good knowing that you get it. I’ve never had sex with another trans guy before. This is… it’s just nice.”
Andrew couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “It is different.” He let his thumb move gently back and forth. Neil squirmed under his touch, his eyelids flickering shut, mumbling encouraging things under his breath.
Slowly but surely, they migrated to the middle of the bed, Andrew finding a place to settle between Neil’s legs. With pleasure, he noted that his hickeys from last week were still visible on Neil’s inner thigh. Moving his fingertips lightly, Andrew stroked up the insides of Neil’s thighs, drawing a wavering moan out of him. “I’m really, really hard,” Neil mumbled, “I know you can’t tell, I just thought... I just needed you to know.”
“Are you alright with me putting these on you?” Andrew reached for the handcuffs. “Just say the word and I’ll take them off.”
Neil raised his hands immediately to the headboard of the bed, nodding, holding still so Andrew could loop the cuffs around a metal bar, securing Neil’s wrists in them. “It’s comfortable, they’re really soft.” Neil assured him, testing the cuffs. “If I start feeling bad I’ll say something.”
Andrew was already working off Neil’s boxers, dropping them over the side of the bed. Now Andrew could see clearly that Neil was telling the truth; he looked painfully hard. “Do you want me to use this on you?” Andrew asked, reaching for the glass plug.
Neil laughed, his face growing a little redder. “Yeah, I think so. I’ve never tried anything like that before, but when I thought about you doing it to me I really liked the idea.”
“Just try and relax. If it hurts, tell me.” Andrew drenched the toy and his fingers in lube, breathing on them lightly to warm it up. Neil spread his legs, peering down to watch to the best of his ability as Andrew gently pressed his fingers down, waiting until he felt Neil relaxing to slide the tip of his index finger inside.
“Oh, whoa, okay,” Neil laughed a little louder, nervously, “that feels interesting. Not bad, just weird. You can keep going, I just wasn’t expecting that.”
Andrew gave him a moment to adjust before slowly drawing his finger back, As Neil relaxed further it was almost easy to slide two fingers in at once, stopping at the first knuckle. Neil groaned, lifting his hips. “Okay, it’s starting to feel less weird. But I think that might be all I can take for right now.”
“Got it,” Andrew murmured, removing his fingers and slipping the toy in to take their place. “How’s that?”
“Still a little cold, but full somehow? I like it, leave it.” Neil grinned. “Oh. Shit.”
“What?” Andrew paused. “Something wrong?”
“No, no fucking way. You’re just so hot. I keep forgetting and then looking back at you and it takes me off guard every time.” Neil admitted, his grin getting wider.
Andrew scoffed, crawling back up to kiss him softly. “You had better watch that mouth of yours, Neil. It might get you in trouble someday.”
“What kind of trouble?” Neil teased. “Care to explain?”
“I want you to fuck me.” Andrew replied, point blank. That hadn’t been the words he was planning on saying. They just seemed to leave his mouth without his permission. He did mean it, though. No use in taking it back. “I want to put this dick on you, and I want to ride it as long as I can. Is that okay?”
Neil swallowed hard, his eyes wide and full of desire. “Absolutely.” He breathed, lifting his legs so Andrew could slide the harness onto him. Andrew wouldn’t turn it on just yet. He wanted to take this slow, to do it right. Standing, he carefully pulled his boxer-briefs down and tossed them across the room, making sure Neil could see every inch of skin. Even the thin, white scars that clustered tightly around the tops of his thighs, dipping slightly between them. If Neil could see Andrew’s dick, he was allowed to see those too.
Andrew slid into Neil’s lap, straddling him completely, letting the toy pop up between his legs to cover his own dick like a censor bar. “Give me a minute to get ready.” Andrew braced himself with one hand, letting the other brush over his dick, giving it a few light strokes before dipping down to fuck himself gently on his fingers.
He knew that Neil was watching, and fuck was he gorgeous, his auburn hair laying in curls on his forehead, his neck ruined with hickeys, his hands balling tightly into fists against the headboard. Andrew grinned, if only for Neil’s benefit, for the way Neil’s chest halted falling mid breath to take in the sight. “You like to watch.” Andrew said, smugly, knowing it was true.
“How could I not?” Neil mumbled, going pink all the way to his forehead. Andrew snorted, pushing a third finger into himself, brushing his dick with his thumb. What more could he do? Once he was satisfied with how loosened up he was, he looked Neil in the eyes, dragging his hand up his own chest, over his binder, sucking his fingers clean.
“Holy shit okay.” Neil took a deep breath, gaping. “I get it, you’re sexy. I… yep. You broke me, congratulations.”
Andrew shifted, reaching down quickly to turn the toy on. “I wasn’t trying very hard, but I’m flattered.” He said, and as the toy kicked into action Neil’s back arched off the mattress an inch or two, a long, low moan leaving him. “Feel good?” Andrew laughed softly, watching Neil squirm.
“Yeah, fuck, I didn’t think that would be so good,” Neil panted, his eyes falling shut again. “Is there a way to turn it down? Fuck, Andrew, it’s so much.”
Andrew grabbed the box off the end table, quickly scanning the instructions on the back before reaching down to give the button two quick presses in succession. Neil visibly relaxed, breathing returning to something of a normal rhythm. “That’s better. Still there, but not as strong.”
“Good.” Andrew didn’t want to wait any more. Lifting himself up, he angled the toy to press against his entrance. “Ready?”
“Yes, definitely.” Neil replied, settling his head on the pillow. Andrew went into action right away, letting out a breath as he sunk down, the toy easily filling him. It was just a little cold, but the vibrations more than made up for it. Andrew groaned as it sunk completely into him, the bend of the silicon pressing against just the right place inside him. Yeah, definitely worth 75 dollars. Once he had gotten his bearings, Andrew leaned forward slightly, resting his hands on Neil’s abdomen for balance while he started rocking down, shallowly rolling his hips.
When Neil couldn’t use his hands, it was evident that all his energy went to his mouth. “You look so good, Andrew,” he said, eyes cold and bright and blue, like the hottest part of a fire, “You’re so fucking hot, you feel amazing on me. When you move it just-” Neil had to bite his lip to hold in a moan. “Sorry… no, I’m not sorry actually, I just want more.”
“You’ll get more. Be patient.” Andrew straightened up, tensing his legs. Yeah, he was definitely ready for this. Slowly, building up a rhythm, Andrew lifted himself up, dropping back down on the toy. Within a few thrusts Andrew was barely able to hold in his sounds, biting the inside of his cheek as hard as he could without drawing blood.
Neil, meanwhile, was quickly reduced to a mess, moans growing steadily louder, sentences more and more incoherent. “Yeah, Andrew, yes, oh my god,” Neil managed, the chain of his restraints clanking loudly on the headboard as he shuddered, “go as hard as you want, I want it.”
“Like this?” Andrew paused mid-movement, reaching down to turn the toy back to full strength.
Fuck. Even Andrew couldn’t hold it in now, a low moan forcing itself out of him. Neil gasped, his mouth falling open, a much higher pitched cry leaving him. “Fuck!” He groaned, his hips lifting. “Fuck me, Andrew. Oh, shit…”
How was Andrew supposed to resist that? Not bothering concealing his own sounds, Andrew focused on movement, letting himself drop harder and harder onto Neil, drinking in every one of Neil’s increasingly slurred, jumbled sentences. Andrew let his own eyes fall closed, feeling his control, the press of the toy inside him, the way his dick ached for him to touch it, Neil’s shy thrusts into him. It was so much. It was right.
Neil’s voice broke, his words fracturing and splintering. “It’s so hot, I can’t- Andrew, ‘drew, I’m really really close, don’t stop, I’m so close, I’m-” Neil bit his lip hard, a muffled whine stopped short.
Andrew abandoned any kind of restraint he had, rolling his hips purposefully against Neil, pressing the toy down against him. “You’re what? Finish your sentence.”
Neil gasped softly, fingers clutching the headboard. “I’m gonna- gonna, ah-”
“Come on, Neil. Come.” Andrew hadn’t intended for his voice to be so soft, but that’s how it came out. Neil shivered, crying out, his hips twitching and jerking as he spent himself. As soon as Andrew was sure Neil had ridden it out, he slid off the toy with a soft huff, turning it off.
For a minute or so, Andrew was content watching Neil come down from his climax, his cheeks flushed, chest ever so slowly returning to a regular rhythm. Quietly at first, then a bit louder, Neil laughed, opening his eyes. “That was really good. The best.” He said, his voice just a bit hoarse. “Can you uncuff me? If that’s alright? I want to suck your dick.” He stopped himself, a bit flustered. “Only if you’re okay with that, of course.”
Was Andrew okay with it? Normally he did not enjoy being the one gotten off. But at this point, he knew if he felt too bad Neil would stop. And dammit, his dick was really aching now. “Yeah.” Andrew reached up, undoing the cuffs. “I’ll try. This good?” He moved up to lean against the headboard, propping himself up with a few pillows and letting his legs fall open.
Rubbing his wrists, Neil sat up, nodding. Fumbling with the clasps of the harness, he let it fall over the side of the bed. “That’s just fine. What should I do? I’ve never done this for a trans guy.”
“Whatever you want. If you do something I don’t like, I’ll let you know.” Andrew settled back, watching as Neil tentatively approached. Andrew shivered slightly at the feeling of Neil’s breath on his dick, his mouth just inches away from it. It was unfamiliar to be in this position.
Neil swallowed, lost in thought. Andrew was about to tell him to just take his time when Neil bent down, closing his eyes, letting his tongue flicker out to trace over Andrew’s cock. It was a little wet, but definitely warm. Andrew made a soft noise of encouragement and Neil seemed to respond, making the motion again.
He picked up the pace soon enough, pressing soft, closed mouth kisses to Andrew’s dick, eventually pulling it completely between his lips and sucking lightly. “How’s that?” He asked, looking up.
Andrew let out a shaky breath. “So far so good.” There was a heavy warmth spreading through his entire lower body. As Neil got back to work, the heat only grew more intense. Neil certainly didn’t have a technique, but his somewhat unpolished movements were soft and genuine. His mouth was hot, his tongue eager.
Apparently, that was just what Andrew needed. “Yeah. Like that.” Andrew murmured, reaching down to run his fingers through Neil’s hair.
Neil grinned, kissing the very tip of Andrew’s cock, just light enough not to overstimulate it. “Like this?”
Andrew hummed, lifting his hips a centimeter or two. “That’s perfect.” What was compelling him to be so soft? “C’mon, finish me off. I know you can do it.”
Neil flushed, but took to his task seriously, clumsily yet ardently sliding his tongue along Andrew’s dick, attempting to use suction to keep it between his lips. It took a few minutes, but Neil persevered, and the pressure in Andrew’s hips only mounted.
“Neil…” Andrew huffed, feeling himself teetering on the edge. “Almost. You’re almost there.” The words had barely left his mouth when orgasm hit, plunging hard into Andrew like waves crashing onto shore. The sound that escaped him was barely recognizable, wavering and almost high-pitched. Climax had taken a long time in getting there, but for that it was all the more powerful. Andrew laid back, letting it move through him.
“How did I do?” Neil asked, popping back up.
When Andrew had it in him, he forced himself to sit up, cupping Neil’s cheeks and kissing him as tenderly as he dared. “You did great.” Andrew assured him, and not for the first time that night it occurred to him that Neil made him feel so much different than he thought he would.
Even more surprising; it was nice to feel this way. Instead of beating away the unfamiliar, Andrew had no choice but to open his arms and welcome it.
***
It took a minute or two for reality to sink back in. After Neil had wiggled the plug out of himself, getting shakily to his feet to pull his boxers back on, it was almost surprising that Andrew was still there. “If you want, you can stay the night.” Andrew offered, in the middle of a process Neil recognized and knew quite well; he had pulled on a hoodie, and was busy attempting to wiggle out of his binder underneath the thing. “I can drive you home in the morning. Or I could take you home now. Your call.” Finally, he got the binder off, hanging it on the doorknob of his closet.
“I want to stay.” Neil sat back on the bed, meaning it. This didn’t feel like a one night stand. Sleeping here would solidify it in Neil’s memory, make him believe that it happened. “Can I borrow a shirt? I think this might be uncomfortable to sleep in.”
Andrew turned back to his closet, pulling out a soft-looking grey t-shirt with a logo Neil didn’t recognize on it. “I got this at a concert, you can keep it.” He said, tossing it to Neil. It didn’t really matter to Neil anymore if Andrew saw him completely shirtless. Working quickly, Neil pulled off his flannel, tugging on the t-shirt. Neil wasn’t going to ask about Andrew’s scars. Andrew probably knew enough not to ask about his. As for his chest, he knew that Andrew saw him and understood him as a man. What did it matter if he saw?
“If you want anything, drink of water, snack, whatever, I’ll get it for you.” Andrew turned the lights down lower, disconnecting his phone from the speaker and plugging it in on his desk. “Honestly, I’m not really super tired. Also I’m not sure what to do after sex now that I don’t smoke. Weird, right?” He sat down on the bed, tucking his legs under the comforter.
“I’m not tired either.” Neil’s body needed a break for sure, but his mind was clear, his thoughts lucid. “I’m not really hungry yet or anything.” Carefully, he wriggled underneath the blankets. The bed smelled interesting, like detergent but also faintly like the cinnamon of Andrew’s gum. It put Neil at ease. “I have a question though, actually. How long have you been on T?”
“Four years, this October.” Andrew settled down, folding his arms behind his head and resting back on them. “What about you?”
“Way less long. I started in April, when I was a junior. So… I guess a year and a half? Yeah.” Neil sighed. “Wow. No wonder you pass so well.”
Andrew snorted. “Passing. Passing is… it’s a cis concept. I wish I didn’t have to care about it. Sometimes I look at people and I just want to shake them by the shoulders and be like ‘I’m trans, you fucking idiot’ you know? But if it means anything to you, I think I was only able to tell you were trans because I know what to look for. Passing is bullshit, but I think you do.”
Blushing, Neil scooted a little bit closer to Andrew, laying on his side. He didn’t want to get all soft if Andrew was uncomfortable with it, but something deep inside him was suggesting that maybe, just maybe, it would feel nice to spoon. But he wasn’t about to ask. It made him nervous. “Well, thank you. I had a really hard time actually getting on T. It feels good to be where I am. At first, every little thing I noticed was like a miracle. I remember once I noticed there was hair on my upper arms and I almost lost it.”
“I think that’s true. It is like a miracle, over and over.” Andrew nodded. “Every little thing. Have you thought about surgery at all?”
“I keep going back and forth on it. I don’t really have a lot of chest to get rid of, and it would be a lot of money and time. But sometimes I start imagining it, like, just having a totally flat chest, and that makes me want it. But also I’m really uncomfortable taking my shirt off in public, so at the end of the day I don’t know what the point would be.”
“I want to.” Andrew sighed. “Yeah. There are some issues with it, but I’ll get there someday.”
There were a few moments of soft silence, the chirping of insects somewhere outside filtering down through the small window that sat high on Andrew’s wall, at ground level. Andrew made a small sound, turning over. “I don’t usually do this.” He admitted. “If you don’t like it, we don’t have to keep it up.” Neil let his breathing go soft, not wanting to disturb Andrew as he slid one arm lightly around Neil’s waist, letting his chest press just barely against Neil’s back.
Neil let a few seconds pass before taking Andrew’s hand, holding it in place. “I think it feels nice.” He smiled, knowing that Andrew couldn’t see his face, but enjoying the feeling so much that he couldn’t help himself.
When Andrew spoke, Neil could feel the vibrations of his voice in his own chest. “Alright, okay. Just making sure. Hey, what soap do you use? Smells pretty good.”
Neil had a feeling he was about to disappoint Andrew supremely, but this was so inconsequential that he couldn’t be bothered to lie about it. “Uh. Dove three-in-one. It’s really convenient, it’s shampoo, conditioner and body wash.”
Andrew sighed heavily. “God. Forget I said anything. I… yeah. Yikes.”
“Sorry.” Neil laughed, giving Andrew’s hand a tiny squeeze. “I’m gross. Not that it bothers me, but just, steering the conversation away from my hygiene, do you always sleep with the lights on? I mean, they’re low, but they’re on.”
“Yeah. I do.” Andrew paused, shifting, his head coming to rest against Neil’s shoulder. “When I was really young I… now, don’t you dare fucking make fun of me, but when I would lie awake in the dark I would always imagine suddenly being in the abyss. Like, not even that the ocean would rush in or that I would drown. Just that I’d suddenly be there, in the dark, at the bottom of the sea. It really got to me. Later on I had more to worry about in the dark. But that’s how it started. Imagining myself getting crushed by the pressure, in the cold, in the black water.”
Neil bit his lip. He wasn’t used to visualizing fear so intensely, but he knew what that felt like. To be treading water, always afraid of the next grey wave that could come off the sea without warning, crushing and drowning. “I think I get it.”
“I don’t like full dark. But I think I got over being afraid of the actual ocean.” Andrew continued. “I’m not a biologist, but it’s crazy to me what life is like down there. All the blind fish, fish that make their own light, squid and spider crabs. It’s a whole other world.”
“I wonder what it’s like to go down there, in a submarine or whatever. I saw a documentary once, it had hatchetfish in it. Their eyes are like… all filmy and weird, like crystal balls.” Was this romantic? Not really. But there was something sweet about it. Neil would talk about whatever, as long as Andrew was willing. “And yeah, their teeth too, all crazy like a vampire’s.”
Andrew nodded, his thumb gently brushing back and forth over Neil’s hand. “I like this.” He replied, quietly, after a time. “I like you.” There was a beat of silence. “Fuck. Sorry. That was a lot.”
Neil was feeling too many things at once. “I knew that already. But thank you for telling me.” He said, a smile creeping back onto his face. “Now come on Andrew, tell me about more creepy things you like, it’s cute.”
***
As Andrew watched Neil climb the steps to his apartment building, turning to give Andrew a little wave and a smile before slipping inside, the final nail was driven into a coffin of Andrew’s own making. Waking up next to another man and not needing to pull away, fending off panic was one thing. Making breakfast with the guy was another. At first, Neil had been a cute distraction, nothing more. But after the night they had, Andrew wasn’t sure what he and Neil were.
Andrew leaned back in the driver’s seat, closing his eyes. What had he gotten himself into? He had to focus now, Saturday was his main day to do work. He would pick up a coffee, drive home, and get started on editing his next paper.
Before Andrew could drive away, his phone buzzed in the pocket of his hoodie. Andrew dug it out, already knowing who it was. That morning over breakfast, he and Neil had finally exchanged phone numbers. “I had a really great time,” Neil’s text read, “You definitely taught me a lot about bones.” The phone buzzed again, this time just displaying a winky face.
Andrew snorted, shaking his head and dropping the phone into his lap. Amazing.
By the time Andrew got home, a huge iced coffee in tow, he still found himself unable to stop thinking about Neil. Dammit, he thought he was better at compartmentalizing than this. As he stepped into the foyer, he interrupted Aaron, who was vacuuming the carpet. Quickly, Aaron turned off the vacuum, shaking his head. “Well. Look who it is. Good morning, Andrew.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me how my date went?” Andrew took a sip of his coffee, pushing the door closed.
“I know very well, Andrew, how your date went.” Aaron sighed, pointedly. “When are you gonna learn that my bedroom is over yours?”
Andrew tried to keep a straight face. “Oh. Right. Yeah, sorry. Next time we’ll keep it down.”
“You really think there’s going to be a next time?” Aaron stared, taken off-guard. “From what little I know about your dating life, there usually isn’t a next time. You told me this ‘wasn’t a giant deal.’”
“And it isn’t.” Andrew muttered. But even he wasn’t so sure about that anymore. “It’s not like he’s my boyfriend. We went on one date.”
“How do you know he like, can’t be your boyfriend though? You could ask. You have to… I don’t know, define the relationship?” Aaron suggested. “It’s just something people do. Maybe give it one or two more dates and then ask?”
“You’re being suspiciously nice about this. What do you have to gain?”
“Nothing? Maybe it just feels kind of nice to actually talk to you about this stuff.” Aaron looked down, fiddling with the cord of the vacuum cleaner. “Or maybe I’m trying to make sure that the sleep I sacrificed last night for you and this guy doesn’t amount to nothing. What’s he like, anyway?”
With a heavy sigh, Andrew sat down on the top step of the stairs leading into his apartment. “He’s really smart, but sometimes he acts really stupid. He uses three-in-one shampoo, which is awful. He doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut at all.” Andrew made a small noise shaking his head. “And I think I have a big, dumb crush on him.”
Aaron, surprisingly, didn’t laugh. Setting aside the vacuum, he joined Andrew on the step, crossing his arms. “Yeah. Okay, that’s a good start. What else should I know about him?”
Andrew thought for a moment before opening his mouth again. He definitely had a lot to say. He had better start getting it out now, before he drove himself insane trying to close it off.