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Over the course of the two weeks following their first date, Andrew and Neil had fallen into a pattern. They worked together in the lab, got lunch together in the middle of the day, made out once or twice in the grad student lounge. To Neil, it was refreshingly normal. They hadn’t gone on another date since the first one, but if Andrew asked, Neil found he would be more than willing.
It was peaceful just to work side by side with Andrew, sharing his work, even if Neil wasn’t entirely confident about any of it. Since Andrew had told him about his project analyzing cut marks, he’d allowed Neil to assist him with it. Neil mostly did small things like set up microscopes and move different boxes around, but he did get to watch Andrew do what he loved best. There was a certain pride that came with that.
“Can I see the ribs from number 39 again?’ Andrew asked, looking up from a heavily edited print-out of a spreadsheet. At this point the page was more full of scribbled in pencil notes than actual ink. Neil was already moving, pulling out a plastic tray from one of the open metal cabinets. They were just getting started for today, but somehow it felt like they were getting somewhere.
Neil set the tray down, standing back. “Uh, anything else?”
Andrew opened his mouth to reply, but he was interrupted by a yawn. The dark circles under his eyes were back, Neil noted. He looked somewhat exhausted. “Sorry,” Andrew sighed, shaking his head a little, “no, I think that’s it. But if you want to help me examine these, you’re welcome to.”
Should Neil ask what was wrong? Would that be too much? He shifted nervously, thinking it over. He didn’t want to pry. Andrew seemed to be the kind of person who would only be okay revealing his feelings unprompted. “Yeah, sure.” Neil settled on taking the stool beside Andrew, pulling his own microscope over. He didn’t want to make Andrew uncomfortable.
“It seems like the ribs are more densely covered with blunt perimortem trauma than the skulls, which have more sharp troughs on the inner edge of the jaw… which suggests purposeful beheading as the cause of death.” Andrew mumbled to himself, looking back and forth between his notes and the handful of ribs he’d set out on the exam table.
Neil swivelled slightly in his chair, unable to keep entirely still but not wanting to make too much noise. “Does that support the idea that it was a massacre?”
“I mean, considering the positions of the bones in the fort, as well as the other evidence…” Andrew trailed off, looking somewhere into the distance. “Sorry, I lost my train of thought. I’ll be right back.” Carefully, Andrew slid off his stool, and in a matter of seconds the door of the lab was swinging closed behind him.
Neil had been considering asking Andrew on a second date himself, but maybe today wasn’t the best time to try. He would just have to be patient. For now, it seemed like what Andrew needed was progress. It took Andrew ten or so minutes to return from the bathroom, but in that time Neil had organized the rest of the ribs in their tray, and printed out a separate spreadsheet to make his own notes on.
Before Andrew sat back down, he looked quickly over Neil’s work. “Thanks.” He said quietly, the hint of a smile flickering onto his face before he turned back to his work.
That was enough for now.
***
For a little while, the physical need to smoke had left Andrew relatively well enough alone. The gum had helped, and so had drinking a little more than usual. The pain in the joints of his fingers had subsided into the occasional twinge. Things seemed to be looking up. Likewise, his date with Neil and Neil’s existence in general had been, overall, very distracting.
It still wasn’t enough. Andrew found himself running out of nicorette gum, then giving up on it. It had done its job, right? But within a few days, the craving to crawl back to cigarettes had washed back up, like trash thrown into the ocean. He had kept himself awake almost all night trying to keep himself from caving in. Even when he tried to take a walk down the block to clear his head, he passed by a group of young men smoking in front of a 7/11, and had to struggle to hold his breath, to turn around and go back home. Second-hand smoke was still smoke.
What was his problem, anyway? There was nothing in it for him. Except for the feeling of relief, the calm. If he just had one more, that would make it easier to let go of them once and for all, right?
The thoughts continued even at the lab. The worst part was, Andrew knew that Neil could see he was tired. He didn’t want to bother Neil with this. There was a feeling that Neil was separate from his deepest problems and fears. Andrew didn’t want to contaminate him.
Sometimes Andrew felt like he was just a collage of addictions pretending to be a person.
All that day, he had to struggle to keep himself awake. Every time Neil looked at him with worry, Andrew considered opening up for a moment or two, but he never did. This wasn’t the right time. On the drive home, Andrew rapidly developed a splitting headache, but once he got there he couldn’t bring himself to take painkillers. The most he could do was sit on the couch, letting his thoughts and the hours slip past.
Just one last cigarette couldn’t hurt. He could leave right now, go down the street and buy just one more pack. His therapist would probably be disappointed in him, but he was used to that. Exhausted, Andrew closed his eyes to try and take a nap, but sleep, once so attractive earlier in the day, now would not find him.
He needed a drink. As he forced himself up, grabbing an entire bottle of red wine from the cabinet above the stove, Andrew briefly considered going to see if Aaron was home. Over the past weeks, he had been steadily talking to his brother more and more, mostly about Neil, sometimes about other things. In the end, he decided not to bother Aaron. He had enough on his plate without having to carry Andrew’s problems too. Aaron had been clean and mostly sober for over a year, he didn’t need this.
Andrew couldn’t stay in the apartment. The walls were too tight, the faint smell of smoke in the carpet tormenting him. He uncorked the bottle, taking a few sips in the middle of the kitchenette before shoving his shoes on and wandering up the stairs. He felt like static in the form of a person. The night air was hot on his skin, humid and cloying. Gripping the neck of the bottle as hard as he could, Andrew wandered down that block, then the next.
He couldn’t go back to smoking. If he could just get past this, he would be okay. Why couldn’t he stop craving it? The heavy night breathing down the back of his neck, Andrew eventually stopped in a tiny park, sitting down hard on a swing. The rusted chains shrieked under his weight, protesting as Andrew shuffled his feet in the damp mulch, swinging himself back and forth. If he stayed here, he couldn’t do anything he’d regret.
In no time, the wine was halfway gone. Andrew’s head felt like a crystal ball perched on his shoulders, swirling and full of aimless mist. He was warmer, his joints less achy. Letting out a deep breath, Andrew tried to stand, pulling himself up against one chain of the swing, but a wave of nausea forced him back down. Something was building in him, coming to a break.
He hadn’t cried in a long time, but the alcohol must have opened some secret pathway in his brain that he thought he had closed off, forcing his testosterone-shrivelled tear ducts back to life. Shaking, he set the bottle down in the mulch, leaning his elbows on his knees, pressing his palms into his eyes. He couldn’t cry, he wouldn’t, not out here. All of this was so fucking stupid. Andrew tried to keep deeper breaths, to steady himself, but they rasped too loud in his chest, echoed through his skull.
When he could pry his hands from his face, Andrew slowly reached into his pocket, grabbing his phone. Should he call Aaron? Against all the odds, as he flipped through his contacts, there seemed to be only one option; without even realizing it, Andrew had swiped all the way down to Neil’s name, his thumb hanging over the call button. He could call Neil. He could ask for help.
Conscious that he was possibly about to ruin whatever they had, Andrew sharply pressed the call button, pressing the phone to his ear. The phone rang three times before Neil picked up. “Hello? Andrew?” His voice crackled through the speaker, and suddenly Andrew couldn’t keep it in anymore.
“Neil. Sorry.” Andrew tried to clip his words, so Neil couldn’t hear the tears in them. “I just need someone to talk to. Can I-”
“Come over, yeah.” Neil said, with no hesitation. “You can come here, I wouldn’t want you to be alone.”
Somehow, the ease with which Neil accepted the burden of Andrew’s problems made everything more painful. Andrew wiped a few small tears off his cheek. “Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you.”
“You aren’t.” Neil replied. “It’s okay, Andrew. Can you stay on the phone until you get here? I mean, if you want to.”
Finally, Andrew pushed himself up from the swing, grabbing his bottle. “Yeah, that’s okay.” He muttered, starting on his way back towards the road. “Can you just talk? Just tell me what you’re doing.” Now Neil was a lifeline, his voice through the phone keeping Andrew grounded. Strange how quickly that had happened.
“Well, before you called I was trying to clean, but I’m kind of bad at it. My fridge is a mess, and I was just trying to get rid of everything in there that might smell. Also I was listening to music. I couldn’t really find what smelled, so I just put everything on the counter, and then I noticed I had strawberries so I guess it’s more accurate to say I’m just eating fruit with music on…”
Andrew snorted softly. “Yeah? Okay, fair enough. Cleaning is hard. Are the strawberries any good?”
“Yeah, so, about that. I think they might be bad, but they still taste alright, so now I have to eat all of them or I’ll waste them.”
It was relieving to talk about something so fundamentally mundane. Neil wasn’t pushing him away; he seemed to sense what Andrew needed, and he was just filling the air with meaningless, simple words. “Alright, sure… what music are you listening to?”
“Okay, don’t laugh,” Neil sighed, “but I did have one of my old high school playlists on, and I’m not gonna lie, most of it was like… pop punk.”
“So we’re talking like, All Time Low kind of shit? I still listen to that, nobody ever grows out of high school pop punk. Ever.”
“Fuck, you’re right about that.” Neil laughed, and the sound, even through the phone, filled a space in Andrew’s chest, warmed it in a way that even the wine couldn’t.
Andrew knew where Neil lived, and somehow his legs were taking him there, Neil stringing him along through the phone connection, keeping him on his path. Neil chattered on, talking about frankly meaningless things, but they did mean something. They kept Andrew focused, kept him afloat. Time telescoped in onto itself, and before Andrew knew it he was standing in front of Neil’s building. “Wait,” he interrupted Neil mid-sentence, “I’m here. Can you come let me in? I would feel weird going up by myself.”
“Oh, yeah, I’ll be right down! Is it alright if I hang up?”
“That’s fine.” Andrew sighed, and when the line went dead, the air suddenly felt empty. The buzzing in the back of his mind, begging him for just a little more nicotine, returned in full force. He could turn around right now, walk right back down the street. He had a ten dollar bill in his wallet, it wouldn’t even show up in his bank statement. Andrew imagined the heat of the ember, the smoke curling into his mouth.
The door of the building creaked open, Neil’s shadow thrown down the steps onto the street. “”Andrew? Hey, come on,” he took a few steps out, offering a hand, “here. Uh, if you want.”
Seeing Neil, knowing Neil could see him, made Andrew feel like bolting. But he still walked up the steps and took Neil’s hand. Neil gave it a squeeze. “Yeah, okay. We’re okay. Come on, you’ve gotta see how stupid my kitchen looks.”
The feeling of Neil’s skin on Andrew’s was comforting. It absorbed his attention, drew him in and held him down like a kite finally fished out of a tree. “I bet it’s awful.” Andrew couldn’t force himself to smile, but he gave Neil’s hand a squeeze in reply as they started inside. “Come on now Josten, give me the whole tour.”
***
Neil didn’t think this would be Andrew’s first look at his apartment. He wished he actually had cleaned something beforehand, but he couldn’t say no. Andrew needed something, someone to talk to, a place to feel safe. And if that place was Neil’s horrid apartment, so be it.
“Do you want me to put that in the fridge or something?” Neil looked down at the open wine bottle in Andrew’s hand as they climbed the creaking, old stairs together. It was more than halfway empty. “I definitely have a ton of space in there now.”
Andrew’s eyes were somewhat glazed. He looked down at the bottle, as though he had forgotten it was there. “Oh. I mean. Yeah, please. I don’t know if I should have any more.”
Neil didn’t want to touch the bottle. Something in the back of his mind, against all better judgement, still seemed to see alcohol as a poisonous snake in the grass. It made his heart race to reach down and take the bottle from Andrew, but he did it anyway. “Okay, I’ll just put it in the door.” They reached the fourth floor, where the door to Neil’s apartment hung open. In his haste to get downstairs, he hadn’t even closed it. Bumping it open with his elbow, he led Andrew into his kitchen.
Neil hadn’t lied on the phone. After making dinner, he had noticed that something smelled a little off in the fridge, and in his effort to find what it was, he had taken literally everything out and put it on any available counter and floor space. The end result made it look like the fridge had eaten something bad and gotten very sick on the linoleum. His carton of strawberries sat open on the ground. Releasing Andrew’s hand, Neil stepped over it, sticking the bottle in the fridge. “So, this is… yeah, sorry.” He laughed, nervously.
Looking around the cluttered room, Andrew seemed to absorb it at a distance. “It could be worse.” Andrew said, shaking his head, “But it could definitely be better.”
“Yeah, I think I should just put this stuff away really quick.” Neil grabbed a few bottles of soda, shoving them back into the fridge. “If you want to talk while I work you can, I’m listening.” He wasn’t really sure how to go about this, but pressuring Andrew to talk didn’t seem like the best option.
Slowly, Andrew sat down on the floor, propping his back against the counter. “I’ll think about it. For now I’ll just watch you.”
“That’s fine, it is my mess after all.” Neil scooped up a tupperware of old potato latkes. Maybe he should consider throwing them away, even if they didn’t smell. Then again, that was no longer his biggest problem. What was the best thing he could do? Could he even help? Was just being there enough?
Maybe if he got to talking first, it would make Andrew feel more comfortable. Looking briefly at the wine bottle in the fridge, Neil tried to arrange his words on his tongue in a way he was okay with. He couldn’t possibly share everything, not tonight. But if they were going to keep doing this, keep having whatever they had, Andrew needed to know. “So, I’m from Maryland. And my parents still live there,” he started out, quietly, “and I don’t talk to them anymore. I just can’t.”
Andrew let out a soft breath. “You’ve got my attention. Keep going.”
“Uh, okay yeah. So, growing up was okay. Like, my parents were both pretty big drunks and they fought a lot. Sometimes it would bleed over to me, and my dad would take it out on me, but just little things, like a slap. But back then even though we were poor and she didn’t have a lot of time, my mom was still sort of nice to me. When she was sober she taught me how to read, and played ball with me behind our trailer and she’d take me shopping to places with free samples so I could run around and try everything out.”
Neil busied himself for another minute or so trying to jam several half empty pizza boxes back into the fridge. Andrew was quiet on the floor, watching Neil only with his eyes, keeping still. Was he still listening? Did he care? Neil picked up a carton of eggs and tried to find a safe place for them in the now slightly cluttered fridge.
“So I don’t know. Maybe that’s what hurts the most about it, is the people that hurt me the most weren’t always horrible all the time. It’s like there’s two of her, and I can’t reconcile the first one with the second. It only got worse when I was in middle school. They’d start fighting and everything would just go to hell.”
Neil paused, taking a deep breath, steadying himself by gripping the handle of the refrigerator. “She would start pulling my hair randomly, saying little cruel things to me, getting drunk during the day. Um. And when I like, came out in high school…” Neil had to stop again, to reorganize his thoughts, “I told her I was trans and she lost her mind. Like she thought I was trying to do it in purpose, to make her more upset.”
Remembering that day made Neil sick. He cast another glance back at Andrew, who still seemed to be watching him intently. Could he see the shivers running over Neil’s skin? If he could look into Neil’s mind, he was see that moment playing over and over again. The anger passing over Neil’s mother’s face like a stormcloud. Her voice splintered, her hands balling into fists. Neil had to move on. The scab was halfway pulled off; he had to tear it all the way free, reveal the wound or leave himself hanging in emotional limbo.
“And my dad hated it too, in his own way. And that’s when he really started hurting me. Like. Once he gave me money for school clothes. And I thought I could get away with buying a few pairs of boxers, like I could hide that good enough. But when I got home he was already really drunk and started pulling the bag out of my hands, and when he saw what I did he… well, broke his beer bottle on me. Like swinging a baseball bat. And my mom sort of patched me up but I couldn’t tell anybody about that, how could I have told anyone about it? The only thing I could do was wait and…”
“Stop,” Andrew interrupted, bringing Neil’s train of thought to a halt, “you sound like it still hurts. If you don’t want to tell me this, you really don’t have to.”
Neil snorted, closing the fridge and sitting down slowly next to Andrew. “It’s okay. It was a while ago now. I’ve thought about how bad it hurt enough to last me a lifetime. I wanted you to know. Anyway, that’s why I don’t really drink. I think deep down I’m just scared of becoming them.”
Andrew took a sharp breath, looking away so Neil couldn’t see his face. “My mom drank too. Like a goddamn monster. And now here I am. Sometimes I feel like I’m following in her footsteps. Even though I try so hard not to.” He swallowed, clenching a fist and thumping it against the floor. “Fuck that. Fuck the way thinking about her makes me feel. Fuck everything she did to us.” He breathed in and out, shoulders shaking. “So I understand being afraid to be like the person who hurt you.”
Not knowing what else to say, Neil let his hand hover over Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew gave a curt nod, still shaking. “You can. Just gentle.” Andrew said, his voice drawn thin. “Sorry. I’m making this about me again. But I’m so fucking angry, still. Thinking about it fucks me up.” He grit his teeth, and Neil slowly but surely felt the shaking abate under his palm.
“It’s okay.” Neil replied, after a time. “Don’t be sorry. We’re both allowed to talk about shit…” It felt so profound to see Andrew so vulnerable.
Wordlessly, Andrew held out a hand. Neil took it, lacing their fingers gently together, letting the coolness of Andrew’s palm soothe him. It was still fear-inducing to talk about his childhood, his family, but Neil wasn’t afraid to tell Andrew. There was something reliable about him, like a rock on the sand. Nothing Neil could say would scare him away. Nothing he could do in this moment would make Andrew pull his hand away. There was comfort in the predictability, in being able to lean on him just a little.
“Thank you for telling me, then.” Andrew said, finally. “Can we go somewhere else? My ass and this floor aren’t really getting along.”
Neil stood, slowly, taking Andrew with him. “Living room?”
“Mhm, that works.” Andrew allowed Neil to guide him over to his couch, a somewhat battered leather loveseat, which sported a few holes in the cushions. It was darker in the living room, but a half light from the window shone in at a slant, the buildings around them casting an orange firefly glow into the apartment. Cautiously, Andrew leaned back and into Neil, their shoulders resting together. He was tense at first, but after a few moments Neil felt Andrew relax into him.
“I don’t really know where to start,” Andrew sighed, “It might just feel good to get some of it off my chest though. Not all of it. So. I don’t know if you’ve really been able to tell, but… I have bipolar II and ADHD. And if my therapist and I are right, the combination of that just eliminates my impulse control sometimes. Especially when I’m dealing with shit. When I was a teenager, I dealt with a lot, like a lot of shit, and I’m still dealing with it. So I got pretty hooked on cigarettes and drinking and other things like, to cope with it I guess. Just feeling impulsive… drove me into a hole. I didn’t want to deal with it sober, and I couldn’t stop myself.”
Andrew paused to let Neil absorb his words. Neil didn’t know what he had been expecting Andrew to say, but he wasn’t particularly surprised that mental health came into it. Neil was almost intrinsically wary of therapists, but since starting his transition he had managed to go a handful of times. Even though he knew deep down that the diagnoses were probably correct, it was still a weight to carry around the knowledge that he really did have PTSD, that he really did have to live his life in a different way. Knowing Andrew held something of the same burden was relieving. Neil hadn’t wanted Andrew to be perfect, he realized, deep down.
“So now I’ve got all these goddamn addictions, okay, cool,” Andrew went on, after a time, “I quit doing some things a while back, in my undergrad. But that stuff still stayed with me, you can literally see how it stayed. And I’ve been trying for years to stop smoking, and this time it just feels like I’m really getting somewhere, but I can’t help- I think I… it’s like- self sabotage I-” Andrew swallowed hard, his hand shaking in Neil’s, his words cutting short like a skipping record. “Fuck, sorry. No, I’m not sorry. I just can’t…”
Not quite knowing what to say, Neil gently squeezed Andrew’s hand, brushing his thumb against the side of it until the shaking slowed. “You don’t have to,” he said softly, “it’s enough if it made you feel better. I don’t need to hear it all tonight, and you don’t need to expose every part of you that hurts.”
“Can you see my face?” Andrew asked, his voice low.
“No, why?”
“Good,” Andrew muttered, letting out a heavy breath, taking in another, “it would be so fucking stupid if I came here just so you could watch me cry.”
Neil carefully moved his arm to hover over the outline of Andrew’s shoulders. “Can I…?”
“Yeah. Go ahead.” He murmured, and Neil folded Andrew against himself, allowing Andrew to press his head into Neil’s shoulder. He smelled like wine, but not thickly. Neil could feel the hot warmth of his tears seeping through his shirt, but he found he didn’t really mind. He let it happen, rubbing Andrew’s back. This wasn’t a different Andrew than the one he had been interacting with up until now, but it was a new side of him, a new depth. Neil felt the knowledge tug at something deep inside him. He wanted to protect this Andrew, help him feel better. If he could.
After a time, Andrew lifted his head slightly. “Neil, you didn’t have to do this. I hope I didn’t make you feel like you had to. I’m grateful, but. Well.”
“You didn’t, I wanted to. I promise.” Neil said, attempting to sound as reassuring as he could. “Did it help?”
“You know, I think it did. I don’t want to smoke so badly anymore. I think I tired myself out for one night, and talking about it… it let some of the pressure out.” Slowly, giving Neil time to stop him or pull away, Andrew let go of Neil’s hand and moved to cradle Neil’s cheek. Neil leaned into the touch, soaking in how soft and cool it felt, how certain. “It’s been a long night. Can I kiss you?”
Neil nodded, placing his hand on top of Andrew’s. “You beat me to asking,” he said, leaning closer, letting their foreheads bump gently before his mouth found Andrew’s. This was not an urgent kiss. Andrew’s lips moved just barely against Neil’s, not pressing, not demanding. Neil sighed, a shiver moving down his spine. He let his eyes slip closed. He couldn’t see anything, anyway, and now the only thing he could feel was Andrew’s kiss, warm and delicate.
As they parted, Neil could feel Andrew’s breath rush softly over his cheek. “Sorry, is it alright if I stay here? I don’t want to be alone.”
“I was going to ask anyway,” Neil smiled, although he knew Andrew couldn’t see it.
Andrew sat up a little further, touching the damp patch on Neil’s shoulder. “Shit. You’re kind of a mess now. I got you all gross. Can we take a shower?” Pause. “Together is okay. If you would want to take one together.”
“I think...” Neil considered it. “Honestly? I would be fine with that. The bathroom is next to my room, let me just find like, an extra washcloth and… god dammit. I only have three-in-one soap.”
Andrew burst into quiet laughter. “Holy shit I cannot believe you almost let me forget that. Awful. You really don’t have anything else? I swear to god, Neil. I will get you a different soap, this is… this is a travesty.”
Neil blushed, quickly getting up, glad that the darkness would hide how red he was. “I don’t know, I just didn’t see a problem with it? I can look for some hotel soap or something!” Andrew was already walking back into the kitchen, shaking his head, still laughing. Strange how light that sound made Neil’s heart, even though he was the butt of the joke.
Hurrying into the tiny hallway, Neil quickly dug through his linen closet. “So, I have a hotel shampoo, but no conditioner I guess.” He sighed, shaking the bottle. “Do you want it? Also you can borrow my clothes too, I’m fine with that.”
Andrew joined him in the hall, peering down at the bottle. “Yeah, this is fine.” He snorted. In the light, Neil could see that his eyes were a little red, but other than that he would never guess Andrew had been crying minutes earlier. “And sure, if I can pick the clothes. You never finished giving me the tour, anyway.”
“Oh, shit sorry. Well, here’s my room.” Neil sidestepped down the hallway, opening the last door, which revealed a bedroom barely bigger than a walk-in closet. A twin bed huddled close to the only window, a few plastic sets of drawers peering out from beneath it. A closet hung open on the other end, crushed full of all the clothes it could possibly hold. Neil turned on the light, a wobbly lamp on his tiny bedside table. “I keep clothes that are soft enough to sleep in down here.” He explained, pulling out one of the plastic drawers.
Andrew bent down to pull through them, shaking out a large hoodie with crossed field hockey sticks on the front and Neil’s name embroidered on the shoulder. “Well, someone’s a student athlete.”
“Yeah, there was a co-ed intramural at Johns Hopkins, but we had like, club funding and stuff so everybody got a sweater. You can wear it though, just cause it has my name on it doesn’t mean it’s like, bound to me.” Neil snorted, watching as Andrew folded it over his arm and rifled through the drawer to find a pair of thick grey sweatpants. For himself, Neil grabbed a navy blue long-sleeved shirt and short sweatpants with a drawstring tie.
By the time Neil had made his choice, Andrew had already seen himself to the bathroom and gotten the shower running. Neil followed along, setting his clothes along with Andrew’s choices on the small counter. Andrew was already hidden behind the curtain, his clothes sitting folded on the ground next to Neil’s hamper. “Hey, is it okay if I come in there now?” Neil asked, beginning the arduous process of wriggling out of his binder.
“It’s fine as long as you don’t stand right behind me,” Andrew replied, pulling the curtain back an inch or two. Neil finally made it out of his binder, tossing his pants and boxers into the hamper, stepping carefully over the rim of the tub and into the gentle spray of water.
This was a different animal than sex. Andrew had been looking at him that night, sure, but now there was only image, no action. There was nothing to hide behind. Everything about Neil, the things he loved and hated, his chest, the scars clawing over his body, the trail of auburn hair stretching down from his navel; Andrew could see all of that now, and there was nothing Neil could do about it.
But then again, Neil could see Andrew too. His hair was damp already, the curls pressed into his forehead. His arms had been folded over his chest, but there must have been something that pulled his guard down, because when Neil stepped into the shower he relaxed, letting them hang at his sides. Neil wouldn’t look for Andrew’s scars, but he knew they would be there if he did, hidden on his upper thighs, crawling up the insides of his forearms. Andrew let out a breath, holding out a hand. “It’s okay if you look. I just don’t like surprises. But you knew that.”
Neil took Andrew’s hand, guiding it up to the place just beneath his collarbone where a jagged line of scar tissue stood out pale against his skin. A clumsy slice of brown glass had entered here, once. Andrew brushed his thumb over it, testing, not pressing. Neil shivered, but not with desire. This was a different animal, alright.
Slowly, shuffling together, Andrew embraced Neil, resting his head on his shoulder, body warm against Neil’s but not needy. “Thank you.” He muttered. “You can- you can hug me. If you want to.”
Neil slid his arms around Andrew’s shoulders, holding him gently. “Hey, you don’t have to thank me. I wanted this.”
“Yeah?” Andrew sighed, shifting into him. “Yeah, okay. I think I just need this. For a little while, anyway… oh, god.” He reached around Neil, quickly grabbing the bottle of three-in-one off the shower rack. “This is it, huh? You understand I legally can’t let you keep using this, right.”
Neil made a small sound. “It’s so convenient though, you really have to admit, and my hair is sort of a weird texture and it’s hard to find anything that really works all the way.”
“Then I’ll help you. We can find something that actually does the job.” Andrew pulled back slightly from their embrace, popping the cap of the bottle and dumping some into his hand before gently running it through Neil’s hair. Neil froze, cheeks warming. It was one thing to go on a date with a guy. It was another thing to fuck him. It was an entirely different thing to let Andrew wash his hair. The feeling was almost too much, but in the best way. Neil tried to keep still, letting Andrew lather the soap through his scalp.
Without really meaning to, Neil laughed, Andrew’s fingers brushing too close to his neck and triggering a response. “Sorry, sorry, that just tickled a little,” Neil quickly recovered, but he couldn’t seem to get the smile off his face, “you can keep going, this is like, really soothing.”
“I think I’m just about done anyway. Tilt your head back?” Neil did, and Andrew plucked the showerhead from the wall, rinsing Neil’s hair clean of bubbles. “I’ll let you do your body but I… I don’t know. I just liked the idea.” Andrew said, a bit apologetically, grabbing his own hotel soap from the inside rim of the tub.
Neil held out a hand. “No, that was really really nice. Can I do yours? If not it’s okay.”
“I think I’d rather do my own now. But maybe another time.” Andrew gave him a half smile, dumping the contents of the little bottle into his palm.
Nodding, Neil turned to grab his washcloth, quickly going over his arms, skimming his chest. “Honestly, I think I’ve been smellier since I started T than I’ve ever been in my whole life. Like even when I did do more athletic stuff, I never got like, that boy smell? But now it’s like I go down some stairs and I become a middle school locker room. This stuff might be a little strong, but it really wipes out the smell.”
“We can get something else to deal with that,” Andrew gently nudged Neil’s shoulder, “hey, you’re hogging the water, smelly. Move.”
“Oh my god. You’re gonna call me smelly now? Because I opened up to you about my insecurities?” Neil said in mock horror, shuffling out of the way to let Andrew rinse his hair out. “You’re a bully, that was so mean.”
“What are you gonna do about it?” Andrew snorted, grinning. “Asphyxiate me with your stink?”
“Not right now. But I’ll remember that.” Neil shook his head. Ridiculous. “I think I’m just about done, you?”
Andrew nodded, turning off the water abruptly. “Yeah, that’s enough being naked for now for me. Can I borrow a towel too?”
“Well duh, I don’t want you to drip on all my shit.” Neil pushed the curtain open halfway, grabbing two towels from their hooks by the hamper. “Just put it in the hamper when you’re done. Do you want me to wash your clothes?”
Andrew shrugged. “It’s just one outfit, I think it’s fine. I don’t want you to go to too much trouble.” Drying off quickly, he stepped out onto the bathmat, tugging on Neil’s hoodie and sweatpants. Neil was struck by how good it felt to see Andrew wearing a shirt that literally had his name on it. Not to mention, the sweatpants did very good things to Andrew’s ass. If Andrew didn’t offer to give the outfit back, Neil was inclined to let him keep it.
“Can I plug my phone in? If not it’s fine,” Andrew asked, once they made it back to Neil’s bedroom.
Neil quickly checked his. “Mine is actually doing pretty good on power, I’ll just put it on low battery mode and you can use my charger. And I’m not gonna take no for an answer, I already offered it.” He set his phone down on the end table, holding up the end of his charging cable for Andrew to take. Neil wasn’t incredibly tired, but Andrew definitely needed some rest. At least laying down for now would be a step in the right direction.
“I’m fucking exhausted.” Andrew muttered, lifting up the comforter and tucking himself in close to the window. “That took a lot out of me. I’m gonna sleep for a thousand goddamn years. When do we have to be on campus tomorrow?”
“I only have one class to TA, it’s at like one. What about you?”
“Meeting at one, class an hour after. And I have to keep working on the cut mark thing.”
Neil crawled into bed, laying down in the curve of Andrew’s body, letting Andrew decide what he wanted to do. Slowly, Andrew slid an arm beneath Neil, cupping his chest, wrapping the other around his waist. It felt secure. “Yeah, I like this. Uh, if you have any more brain power do you think it would help to keep talking out your thoughts about the bones? You never really finished telling me earlier.”
“Somebody is eager for bone spoilers, huh?” Andrew snorted. “Alright, let me just get it together a little bit. If I do this, then… I need some brain power out of you in return. I want a nice story. Something happy, okay? We have enough shitty stories to last us all night, but… yeah.”
“Sometimes it’s good to focus on what’s comforting, I get it.” Neil snuggled backwards into him, his heart jolting when it realized what he was doing. This was real, it was happening. “It’s a deal then.”
“Mhm. Okay, so since most of the jawbones show evidence of beheading, it’s likely that was the cause of death among the majority of individuals. So the fractures sustained to the ribs are probably indicative of a struggle, and since more than half the population shows parry fractures on the outer part of the radial bone, that says to me that they were putting their hands up to defend themselves from blows. So they probably weren’t armed themselves.
“And then, together with the comingling of the bones and the position they were found, in the center of the fort, probably unburied… yeah, to me all of this evidence suggests a purposeful massacre, probably by a neighboring group. Satisfied?”
Neil laughed, his hand finding Andrew’s. “Hey, you really love what you do. And that… I like that. I think everybody can tell you love it too.”
“Shut up, Josten.” Andrew muttered, even as he left a small kiss on the side of Neil’s neck. “Enough about me. You said you’d give me a story, come on.”
Neil sifted through his memory for a minute or two before finally coming up with something good. “Okay so, I feel like maybe it’s easy to tell this and I’m just being redundant by saying it out loud, but I’m half Indian. I never really did a lot of cultural stuff as a kid because we just didn’t have time or money, but once when I was ten my uncle took me to DC, for Holi. Cause like, they actually do a big celebration there.”
“Anyway, there were a ton of other kids there, running and jumping around in all the colors… wait, do you know what Holi is?”
“Hindu festival of spring, right? Where you throw the color powder?” Andrew replied, through a yawn.
“Yeah, basically.” Neil snorted. “So anyway, I just felt really genuinely happy. Like there was nobody there who would hurt me, and even though I didn’t know the other kids it didn’t matter, we were all just having fun together. My uncle let me get henna too, and I was really impatient to just peel the stuff off, but I stuck it out, it looked really cool. Also, someone dumped like a whole bag of orange powder on me, like it got in my hair and clothes and everything, I just felt… I don’t know, bright.”
“That sounds…” Andrew trailed off, his voice worn away by exhaustion. “Really nice. God, I’m broken, I’m running out of good words. Did you ever go back?”
Neil shrugged. “I did a couple things at Johns Hopkins, and there were like, clubs for mixed students and stuff. But I never really went to a Holi event again.”
“Maybe you should… I’d go with you.” Andrew offered.
“The only place I think you need to go right now is to bed.” Neil laughed. “Goodnight, Andrew.” That would be nice, though, wouldn’t it. Here Neil was, sharing real things about his life with Andrew, things even he didn’t think about as frequently as he should. As Andrew’s breathing settled into a deeper, regular rhythm against Neil’s back, Neil lulled himself to sleep trying to think of more stories to tell Andrew when he was ready to listen.
***
Andrew woke up expecting to feel guilty, but with his face pressed into Neil’s back, gentle sunlight shining through the cracks in the blinds, he only felt relief.
He hadn’t done anything. Even with all the weight of his addiction breathing down his neck, he hadn’t even touched a cigarette. More than that, he’d been able to talk to someone without feeling like complete shit afterwards. And Neil had listened. No, he hadn’t just listened; he’d revealed things about himself too. When Andrew tried to think about the shower, his brain nearly shut down. He almost couldn’t believe it had happened. It was so soft, and he’d liked it.
Neil stirred, yawning, wiggling in Andrew’s arms as he woke. “Mm. Hey, good morning.” He mumbled, flailing for his phone on the end table to check the time. “Yeah, it’s like ten. We don’t even have to be awake yet, if you don’t wanna be.”
Andrew thought about the way it felt to let Neil in, to let him see the parts of Andrew that were twisted and hurt. He thought about the conversation he’d had with Aaron last week. Define the relationship. Everyone had to do it, eventually. What did he want this relationship to be?
“I’m fine being awake. I don’t think I could sleep anymore.” It was now or never, right? “So, Neil. Do you want to be my boyfriend or what?”
His words stretched into a stunned silence, the rhythm of Neil’s breathing stopping short. Panic threaded through Andrew’s mind. What if he misinterpreted this, all of it? What if it wasn’t serious at all? What if Neil had just been taking pity on him, not just from the beginning but especially last night? It had been so stupid of Andrew to assume this could be something more.
Neil laughed, the sound meeting the air with nervous shock. “Wait, really? You’re not joking, you really want- This is serious?”
“I’m not taking it back. If you want this to be… to be a relationship… then that’s what we’ll make it. Boyfriends, yes or no?”
“Of course?” Neil snorted, laughing again. “Wow holy shit okay. I was hoping you’d say something, but I didn’t want to get my expectations up really high and then it turned out I was just imagining things. Yeah Andrew, fuck yes.”
Relief swept through Andrew’s system, his pulse almost instantly dropping to a reasonable speed. “Okay, good,” he sighed, “good. I was afraid I was imagining all of this.”
Neil rolled over, wiggling in Andrew’s arms until they could face each other. “Oh, god no. This is as real as you want it to be. I just didn’t know how serious you were, I would’ve asked first like, last week.”
Andrew knew he must be a little red at this point. On some level, this was deeply embarrassing. “Shit.” He sighed, trying his hardest not to look Neil in the eyes. “So stupid of me. I deserve an award for being tone deaf.”
“No, no, I think we were both just taking our time like, thinking about stuff. This was right.” Neil said, assuredly. “Hey, not to be gay but can I kiss my boyfriend? That would be cool.”
“Your boyfriend also thinks that would be cool.” Andrew gave a faint smile, leaning in to kiss Neil’s cheek, then his lips. He was getting way too soft. Even six months ago Andrew would never have thought he could do something like this, but here he was. Maybe this was part of healing.
Neil hummed, kissing back in his own tender way. Andrew was becoming accustomed to the workings of Neil’s body, the intricacies of his affection. Neil wouldn’t touch Andrew unless he was guided to do so, and in that moment Andrew couldn’t help himself, moving Neil’s hands over his sides, down to his waist. It was obvious how Neil shivered under his touches, even with the shroud of sleep just barely thrown from him.
They hadn’t done anything last night, and Andrew hadn’t wanted to. It wasn’t the right time. He hadn’t been in the right place. But now, his body was slowly but surely making it known that it wanted more. Although they were gentle, hardly insistent, Neil’s kisses and the light patterns his fingers rubbed into Andrew’s hips were leading Andrew to ache for something further. Maybe this was part of healing, too. Nothing Neil did was rough, yet Andrew could feel stirring warmth in his hips, his dick half hard and pressing into the soft fabric of Neil’s sweatpants.
God, he was even wearing Neil’s clothes. Perhaps that was what pushed him over the mental precipice. Pulling away from the kiss, he let his forehead rest against Neil’s, breathing deep to steady himself. “I want to blow you. Thoughts?” Where did all his tact go? Did he have any in the first place?
Neil let out of a soft breath. “Thoughts? Okay, my thoughts are ‘yes, absolutely, as soon as you’re comfortable with it.’ Do you mean like, now? Cause I’m down for now.”
“I did mean now, yeah.” Andrew confirmed, absently playing with one of Neil’s cowlicks. “Do you want to stay laying down? Or would you rather sit on the side of the bed and I get on the floor?”
“Laying down.” Neil snorted, moving to lie back against the pillows. “I’m sleepy. I have tired disease. The symptoms are not getting up.”
Andrew kissed the corner of Neil’s mouth, pushing the blankets back and waiting until Neil spread his legs a bit to settle down between them. “I’m not a doctor, but I think your symptoms are critical.”
“Oh, god, will I die? Will I ever be cured?” Neil laughed, folding his arms behind his head. “I’m too young!”
“It’s completely incurable,” Andrew deadpanned, “You’re doomed. Any last wishes?”
Neil hummed thoughtfully. “Can it be anything?” He asked, smiling wryly. Andrew was struck again by how handsome Neil was, the auburn of his hair, the brown of his skin, the blue of his eyes. The line of his jaw, and the soft curve of his mouth. This was light, it was gentle, and it had to be. Andrew didn’t want to do this any other way, not this morning at any rate.
“Anything, yeah,” Andrew replied, not intending to sound so sincere, but unable to keep his feelings out of his voice.
Neil reached down, pulling out the knot in his shorts before tucking his arm back beneath his head. “For you to take these off?” He asked, hopefully, the joking tone gone.
Andrew obliged him, gently tugging them down and putting them to the side. Neil was visibly hard, and he shivered as the cooler air of the room hit him. Andrew didn’t want to rush this. Bending down, he started in on one hickey, sucking gradually harder and harder at the sensitive skin of Neil’s thigh. Neil wiggled under him, moving his other leg even further away, giving Andrew as much room as possible. A dark red mark bloomed against Neil’s skin as Andrew finally moved back, pressing the smallest kiss to it.
As Andrew started in on another hickey, a little further up this time, Neil hummed softly, closing his eyes. “You’re so close, but not there.” Neil sighed, shifting on the bed. “It’s… the anticipation, you know?”
“Be patient.” Andrew couldn’t help smiling. By the time he was satisfied, Neil’s legs were covered in hickeys of various sizes, a stream of small, desperate noises flowing out into the room. Neil’s dick looked almost painfully hard. He wasn’t alone in that. Andrew took a moment to lightly stroke himself through his sweatpants, relieving just a little bit of the mounting pressure.
Bending back down, Andrew settled himself in, letting his cheek press into Neil’s thigh. After a short internal debate, he held out a hand for Neil to take, which he quickly did, giving Andrew’s hand a gentle squeeze. “What if I suck at being patient?” Neil asked, his voice breathy and somewhat strained. “I think you might be teasing me. Are you?”
Andrew snorted, leaning down as if to take Neil into his mouth before pulling back. “If you have to know, yes I am. It’s cute to watch you come apart a little.” He meant that; he knew Neil would lie still, but also that he would have a hard time containing his arousal. Watching Neil come undone was an experience unto itself.
“Fuck. Is it?” Neil squirmed, his hand tightening on Andrew’s. “Okay, okay, I can take it. Do your worst, I’m ready.” He laid back, taking a deep breath to brace himself, and Andrew took that opportunity to get his mouth on Neil at last, flicking his tongue up and down his length as gently as he could. Neil looked insanely sensitive, and with a T dick, less was usually more anyway.
Neil gasped softly, his head flopping back against the pillows. “You’re way too good at this, Andrew,” he groaned, spreading his legs even further apart, “it feels fucking amazing already… I want this, I want you. Don’t-”
Maybe on another day Andrew would’ve gone back to teasing, but there was something so right about seeing and hearing Neil like this, feeling Neil throbbing lightly against his tongue. This was supposed to be gentle. Andrew wanted Neil to feel good, and that was all. Humming softly, Andrew closed his eyes, bobbing his head ever so slightly, pulling Neil’s dick into his mouth with the least amount of suction possible. Neil’s moan in response was lower pitched, wavering and soft, but still heavy with desire. The sounds washed over Andrew, goading him onwards.
Soon it was clear that Neil was struggling not to buck his hips into Andrew’s mouth, his moans growing more desperate, his thighs shaking with the effort to keep mostly still. “Sorry, I’m trying to stay still, I can’t help it,” Neil panted, his eyes screwed tightly closed.
Andrew pulled back slightly, and Neil relaxed against the mattress, breathing in deeply. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay,” Andrew gave Neil’s hand a squeeze, “as long as it’s not hard or sudden it’s fine.” He waited a moment before getting back to work, giving Neil a little time to cool off, but before long Neil was just as big a mess as he had been before, rolling his hips up to buck shallowly against Andrew’s mouth.
With his free hand, Andrew traced a light path up between Neil’s legs, making delicate patterns against the sensitive skin, running back and forth over the numerous hickeys. Neil twisted, moving one leg to press harder into Andrew’s hand. “Hey, uh, if this is weird or you don’t like it we don’t have to, but I really wouldn’t mind if you put that um. If you fingered me.” Neil muttered, as fast as he was able without being unintelligible.
“Are you sure you’re comfortable with that?” Andrew paused. “Just because I’m okay with penetration sometimes does not mean you have to be.”
“No, I mean it, I want that.” Neil said, a little louder but no less flustered.
Andrew nodded, slowly brushing the tips of his index finger against Neil’s entrance. When Neil gave him a reassuring smile, laying back again, Andrew sunk in as slowly as he could manage. It wasn’t difficult by any means, but Andrew didn’t want to startle him. Once he could fit two fingers in side by side he lowered his head again, pulling Neil’s dick back between his lips.
Now when Neil squirmed, Andrew could feel his muscles tighten and spasm as well, clenching down on his fingers. “This is even better than I thought it would be,” Neil groaned, his grip on Andrew’s hand growing ever tighter. “Not that like, I thought it wouldn’t feel good, I just-” he moaned louder, his voice cracking. “Andrew! Uh, shit. Sorry that was loud-” his mouth falling open soundlessly, Neil rolled his hips gently against Andrew’s hand. “Fuck. Right there… you…”
Andrew couldn’t help laughing, even with Neil’s dick still in his mouth. “What did I just say about apologizing?” He huffed, shaking his head, circling his fingers lightly where it seemed Neil wanted them most.
Neil shivered harder, his hips practically jumping off the bed. “Oh- yeah, I really really like that. Right there I-” Not wanting to overwhelm Neil, Andrew slowed his movements, keeping the brushes teasing and light, swiping his tongue fully over the length of Neil’s cock.
“It’s- you’re being so fucking soft.” Neil panted, even more out of breath than before. “It feels like you mean it. It’s like. Tender.”
“Say I’m being tender again and I’ll stop,” Andrew murmured, teasingly, “you do want to come or what?”
A broken, wavering moan squeezed itself out of Neil. “I want to, I- I think I’m right on the edge, I feel it…”
Andrew pressed his lips lightly around Neil’s dick, letting his tongue flicker down to brush the sensitive head. Neil gasped, and Andrew could feel the muscles in his thighs spasm on either side of him. “That… you… Andrew, it’s so much…” Neil managed, but before he could get any more out, Andrew curled his fingers again inside him, rubbing them purposefully in quick little circles. Neil’s voice broke off quickly into a strained cry, words completely eluding him as Andrew pushed him over into orgasm.
Andrew kept moving his fingers, helping Neil ride his climax out, his body clenching slightly as warm, slick fluid poured over Andrew’s hand and onto the sheets. “Fuck,” Neil finally said, quietly, his body going limp. Andrew slowly took his hand away, wiping it on another part of the sheet. “Yeah, I’m gonna have to do laundry,” Neil mumbled, sounding distinctly out of it. “Fuck that was so fucking good though… just give me a minute…”
“You don’t have to go anywhere, not for a while. Not if you don’t want to.” Andrew said, quietly, crawling up to curl himself at Neil’s side.
Neil opened his eyes, grinning. “I really don’t want to. I don’t want to move from this spot.”
“Then don’t. I’ll let you know when we have somewhere to be, I’ll set an alarm or something.” Andrew reached for his phone, setting two consecutive alarms. Better safe than sorry.
“I’m seriously gonna have to wash these later though…” Neil sighed, looking down at the sheets. “Yeah… I didn’t think it would get that messy.” He paused. “Okay, maybe I’m not so tired. Do you want a turn? I could. Well, y’know.”
Andrew considered it. He was used to not getting off himself, but Neil was offering, and the last time he let Neil touch him it hadn’t backfired. “Only if you want to. Take your time.” Andrew replied, leaning in to let Neil kiss him.
***
As soon as Andrew got home that night, he went to his brother’s door and knocked. “Aaron? Hey, are you home?” He called, moving from foot to foot on the top step. Last night, and that morning by extension, had been a lot to unpack. Aaron had been good to talk to last time. Maybe tonight they could have another actual conversation, instead of avoiding each other like usual.
He waited for a moment before knocking again. “Aaron, I really… want to talk to you.” Well, that was a sentence he’d never quite said before, but he was getting there.
After another thirty seconds, Aaron unlocked the door, pulling it halfway open to reveal that he was wearing pajama pants and a massively oversized hoodie. “Fuck, Andrew, I was asleep,” Aaron huffed, rubbing at his eyes, “You understand that I have a stupid busy day like every day, right?”
“Yeah, I get that, I know.” Andrew conceded. “But I really mean it, I have… updates.”
Aaron slowly raised his eyebrows. “About Neil? You can come in but just don’t judge me, I haven’t gotten to clean anything in a couple days.”
“I know, I know.” Andrew sighed, stepping into the apartment. Aaron’s living room had only gotten more cluttered throughout the day, items of interest including a binder Aaron had apparently set out to dry by hanging it from a spider lamp, an open container of powdered donuts and a vacuum cleaner that had inexplicably found its way onto the loveseat. The couch, however, was mostly clean, so Andrew took a seat.
“Well? Come on, spit it out, before I fall back asleep,” Aaron said through a yawn, plopping down on the couch next to Andrew.
Where to start? “I’m not judging your mess, don’t judge mine,” Andrew started, bracing himself. “Last night I was sort of a mess, and I was going to start smoking again I think. But then I just decided to call Neil, and he let me come over and talk about it and he… was really fucking sweet about everything. And it’s not like he doesn’t have his own problems either. It was just a lot.”
“I feel like there’s more? Keep going.”
“Yeah well, he let me sleep there and then I just. Uh, I guess I defined the relationship?”
“Yes?” Aaron said, impatiently.
Andrew leaned back on the couch, avoiding eye contact. “I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. And he was definitely into it.”
Aaron looked at him in stunned silence. “Normally I might be inclined to tease you. I think we both know that. But like… wow. I didn’t think you would do that. Are you like, happy that you did? If you didn’t want to you didn’t have to. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to.”
Laughing quietly, Andrew shook his head. “Uh, no, I definitely wanted to. Yeah, I am happy that I did it. It was kind of scary. Don’t get me wrong. We really are an official… thing now, though. That feels really good. I think once that would’ve made me feel walled in or trapped but with him it’s like, yeah, I did that, we’re together.”
Aaron crossed his arms, then unfolded them, gently patting Andrew’s shoulder. “Please don’t think I’m being condescending or anything but I’m proud of you. I’m proud that you did that, if that’s what was right for you. Honestly… okay, don’t take this the wrong way but I sort of want to meet this guy. If he makes you feel this good, I kinda want to see it in action.”
Once upon a time, Andrew might have gone completely nuclear at that suggestion. Now, he seriously weighed his options. “That would definitely be one way to show him I’m committed. Let him meet my family.” Andrew nodded. “I can’t say yes for sure just yet. But I will really think about it.”
***
All that day, Neil caught himself reeling in the fact that he and Andrew were a real couple. He really hadn’t thought they would get this far, but he was so glad they did. Every time he would drift off into thought, he played the night over again in his head. He and Andrew both revealing a little bit of what hurt and trying their best to patch each other up again. It couldn’t really have happened, right? Neil couldn’t quite convince himself that it wasn’t all just an elaborate dream.
Sitting in the lab the next morning, Neil pored over a human osteology textbook. If he was as serious about this field as he was about Andrew, he had better actually learn something about what he was doing. Reading large chunks of text took up most of his focus, even though there were pictures, so it was no surprise that Andrew startled him when he came in. “What’s that?” He asked, leaning over to look at the page.
Neil paused, re-reading the last sentence again. He had an idea. Grinning, he looked up at Andrew. “Oh, just trying to do some research. I was just reading about bone apatite. I thought it was really interesting.”
“Like, the mineral part of bones?” Andrew raised an eyebrow. “I know it’s helpful for determining what someone’s whole diet was. What did you find interesting?”
Neil couldn’t help how wide his grin was growing. “Oh. Just that I think I know someone who has a bit of bone apatite. Like appetite? Get it?”
Andrew snorted, shaking his head slowly. “Oh my god. You finally got me. I guess I don’t have a monopoly on terrible bone jokes anymore.”
“Hey, some of yours weren’t even jokes. Some of that was just plain old horny.” Neil laughed, pushing the book away.
“You didn’t mind, did you?”
Neil smirked. “No, no I didn’t.”
“That’s good to know.” Andrew leaned on the work table, taking a moment to think before speaking again. “What does the rest of your day look like? I have an idea, but I don’t want to spring it on you. If you’re not comfortable with it, just say the word and I won’t bring it up again.”
Neil gave him a puzzled look. “Are you about to ask me to commit grand larceny with you or something?”
“No, not yet, that’s the secret fifth base.” Andrew gave him a small smile. “I was actually thinking maybe you would want to meet my brother, Aaron. I haven’t really ever introduced anyone to my family before, and right now he’s really the only family I’ve got. We were thinking of maybe going to a museum or something, so. I think I would like it if you came. But if you’re not interested I get it.”
Neil hadn’t been anticipating that, but it was a rare day now that Andrew wasn’t surprising him in some way. “Well, I guess my first reaction is to be nervous. I’ve never met anybody’s family before, I’ve never gotten this far.” This was a step that he hadn’t even considered taking yet, but that was mostly because he didn’t think Andrew would want to. “But like, being nervous doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. I’m nervous all the time, so it’s like… what’s a little more? What’s your brother like?”
“He’s my identical twin, so we look pretty much the same. He’s very driven, but in a different way than I am. He’s in med school, like I said. But what’s he like? He can be sort of hard to talk to, but he’s very perceptive. Once he’s comfortable or interested in something, he lets his guard down a little. He also seemed to want to meet you, so I would be less nervous about him being hard on you and more about him, I don’t know, asking you nosy questions or something.”
Neil nodded slowly. “What museum? Also, I have a nosy question. Is he like. Cis?”
“Natural history, probably. He loves that stuff. And no, no he isn’t.”
“Okay, there goes some of my nerves. Yeah, I’ve been meaning to go there pretty much ever since I moved here.” Neil smiled. “Alright, I’ll go. I’ll meet him.”
For a moment, it looked as though lanterns had been lit behind Andrew’s eyes. “Really? I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to, but I… yeah. Can we meet you there at like, 4?”
“That sounds just fine.” Neil held out a hand, and Andrew took it, lacing their fingers together. “I’ll see you there.”
Andrew lifted Neil’s hand, giving it a small kiss. Neil had to try very hard not to reveal how flustered that made him. It clearly embarrassed Andrew equally as much, as he quickly looked away, letting Neil’s hand fall. “Right. We should be getting back to work now.”
The rest of the day passed in a blur of anticipation and nerves. Neil was in this for real now. Andrew was not only serious about having a relationship with Neil, but allowing Neil into other arenas of his life. That couldn’t be easy by any meaning of the word. Neil left early to change his clothes and run a comb through his hair again before heading down to the museum. He had to make a good first impression. The last thing he wanted was for Andrew’s brother to dislike him for some reason or another.
At ten minutes to four, Neil sat down on the wide stone steps of the museum, a somewhat aging building with four floors, guarded by columns that faced the street. It was warm, so Neil had only worn a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. But what if Andrew had expected him to try wearing something fancy? No, he couldn’t let himself get too anxious. He would sweat through his shirt.
Across the street, Neil spotted Andrew’s car, watched as it slid into a parking spot. Andrew got out, spotting Neil instantly and sending him a small, two-fingered salute. Couldn’t he just have waved? Neil thought, feeling his face warm. Andrew didn’t have to go around being so cute all the time. Didn’t he know what he was doing?
From the passenger’s side door, a man who looked remarkably like Andrew stepped into the road. He had shorter hair, which was less tightly curled than Andrew’s. He also wore glasses, a simple pair of rectangular frames. Where Andrew was wearing a pair of slightly faded black jeans and a quarter-zipped hoodie, his brother sported cuffed, light blue pants and a button-up.
They might be identical, technically, Neil thought quickly, but clearly these were two very different people.
He stumbled over himself to stand up. It wouldn’t do to fall down the stairs or something. As the two approached, a new worry surfaced. Now that Andrew was Neil’s boyfriend for real, was he supposed to greet him in an affectionate way? Did Andrew want that? Neil had a feeling he didn’t particularly expect that of him, at least not yet. And Neil wouldn’t be entirely comfortable with it yet either.
That settled it. If Andrew knew something would make Neil feel strange, Neil knew he wouldn’t want him to do it. Neil met Andrew halfway, simply letting their hands brush together in greeting. “Hey Andrew,” he tried to keep the smile on his face as he turned to Andrew’s twin, “and you’re Aaron, right?”
Aaron smiled wryly, offering a hand. “No, I’m Andrew’s third brother, he’s actually a triplet. Of course I’m Aaron. It’s good to meet you, Neil.”
Neil quickly shook his hand, trying not to grip too hard. “Yeah, same.”
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Aaron tucked his hands back in his pockets, “only good things, I promise.”
Neil laughed nervously. “Yeah, yeah…” The sudden presence of Andrew’s hand in his steadied him a bit. “Are you ready to go in? I think admission is free, since we live here. We could get a map at the desk first, and plan out what we want to see?”
“Sounds like a plan to me,” Aaron turned, heading for the doors.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Neil began whispering to Andrew. “Should I be this nervous? I feel like he’s judging me.”
Andrew gave his hand a squeeze. “I’m… a little nervous too. I’m not gonna lie. I meant it when I said I’ve never done this before. But I don’t think he’s judging you, you have no reason to be worried. He can come off as really serious I think, but once he warms up he’s alright, I promise.”
Neil tried to believe him. Once they had gotten through the oversized, circular lobby, obtaining maps along the way, Aaron tried again to engage Neil in conversation. “So, you just started at Palmetto, right? Do you have any favorite places in town yet? Hobbies?”
Neil played with his map a little, trying not to bend it too hard. “Yeah, I pretty much just got here. I haven’t really had the time to start exploring for real, but the places Andrew showed me the other night were pretty cool. As for hobbies, I mean… academia is cool and all, but I’ve done a lot of different things before getting here. I think sports are cool, and music too. I guess it’ll just take me some time to find my niche around town.”
“Fair enough.” Aaron opened his map, looking it over. “First floor seems like mostly preserved animals, I think that’s a good start. Second floor is fossils, skeletal collections, rocks and minerals. We can just work our way around unless anyone has a complaint.”
Andrew lightly poked his brother in the back with his own map, which he’d folded up into a tube. “Sounds fine by me.”
As they walked into a large gallery taken up mostly by taxidermied birds, Aaron continued to field Neil more and more questions. “What are your plans for when you’ve finished your PhD?” He asked, and Neil had the sinking feeling that he was being interviewed.
“I guess I could see myself being a professor, but I don’t know if I would enjoy that as much as being like, out there in the field? I’m a lot better at working with my hands and on my own time than teaching other people. I think the hardest part of what I do right now is having to TA classes. It takes a lot out of me.”
That seemed to be a good enough answer for Aaron, who dropped the conversation to peer into the next gallery. “Oh, Andrew, this one is frogs!”
Spanning the walls and display shelves of the next room, dozens and dozens of preserved lizards and amphibians floated in jars of clear liquid. Andrew snorted. “Hell yeah, look at these little fuckers.”
“This is the saddest looking bullfrog I have ever seen,” Aaron muttered, bending down to look at a huge brown frog, mouth open as though it were surprised at its own mortality. “Even sadder than that one you grabbed with your bare goddamn hands that time.”
Neil raised an eyebrow, amused. “Andrew, do you have a history of amphibian cruelty?”
“I was like nine, I didn’t have a net or anything, I didn’t want it to get away.” Andrew huffed, looking devoid of remorse. “And I did put it back down after I chased Aaron around with it for… a while.”
“Define a while,” Aaron sighed, “because I felt like you did that for maybe half an hour. Anyway, I think this one is perfect. Depressed-looking, but perfect.”
“I always liked salamanders more,” Neil looked across the room, to a very large jar with a wrinkly purple salamander drifting inside. “They were kinda sticky when I’d pick them up. Once I tried to sneak one into school in a cup.”
Andrew squeezed Neil’s hand, cracking a grin. “How did that work out for you?”
“Uh, it didn’t really, the teacher made me put it back in the woods.” Neil shrugged. “Probably for the best.”
The rest of the first floor, the mammal hall and the insect collection, passed in relative calm, Aaron asking the occasional question, but mostly getting distracted by other animals he thought were ‘neat.’ It was enough for Neil to relax a bit. Aaron seemed stern, but after watching him fawn over the live stick insects like they were small dogs, it was hard to take his grilling seriously.
The final straw came when they reached the second floor. Stepping up into the dinosaur exhibit, Aaron froze, looking for a moment as though he might fall back down the stairs. “What?” Andrew asked, looking quickly around. “Something wrong? You look-”
A museum employee who had been changing a lightbulb in a display case turned, her face lighting up in a smile. “Oh, hey Aaron! Finally got time off from studying?”
This was a new development. Neil watched as Aaron opened and closed his mouth like a fish, his voice cracking just the smallest bit. “Katelyn? I didn’t know you worked here. Uh, not that that isn’t cool, this is a really cool place. I mean, it’s cool as in like, fascinating and full of valuable resources. Um. And yeah, I just… Yeah, I’m here!”
“Well… I hope you like everything! If you ever came back when I’m running around less I could give you a tour.” Katelyn smiled again, tapping the used lightbulb in her hands with her fingernails. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow, yeah?”
“Yeah, yeah definitely! Definitely, see you tomorrow, and to the tour also. Yeah.” Aaron managed, trailing off as Katelyn started back down the stairs towards the lobby.
Andrew wheezed with laughter, shaking his head. “Hey, hold on a fucking minute,” he said, once the woman was out of earshot, “you said I was bad. You had the nerve to say my crush was bad, and you just did that? What is this, a Disney channel original? You are so fucking red. Oh my god. I am never ever going to let this go. Is she like, your study buddy or something?”
Aaron turned away, walking quickly across the room. “Nope! No! Not talking about this!”
“You like like her or something,” Andrew goaded, “you are… I’m not gonna push it but I’m not going to forget about it. Jesus, Aaron. She could have told you it would be neat if you could roll down the stairs and you would’ve done it.”
“No, no, not talking about it!” Aaron huffed, halfway across the room.
To say the least, Aaron was no longer intimidating to Neil.
“Hey, is this an ankylosaurus?” Neil said quickly. “I remember I used to get picture books about dinosaurs from the library when I was real little. They still kinda get me jazzed up.”
Andrew let his brother off the hook, turning to the dinosaur skeleton, neatly assembled on its pedestal. “That’s… cute, I’m not gonna lie. Very boyish of you. What was your favorite?”
“Oh, definitely either silurodon or velociraptor.” Neil nodded, looking across the room to a cast of a velociraptor skull. “It was just so cool to me that they think they used to hunt in packs. I think I was born too late to really care about Jurassic Park, but-”
Aaron finally calmed down, rejoining them, his face just the slightest hint pink. “No, yeah, the appeal… imagining what dinosaurs would be like if they were in the modern day world. It would definitely upset a lot of ecosystems, but it would be so baller.”
“Baller.” Andrew snorted. “That sure is a word you just used.”
“Come on, stop embarrassing me in front of your boyfriend, this is mean.” Aaron grumbled. “We were vibing. That was mean.”
“Psh, I don’t mind. Baller is a baller word.” Neil retorted. He could get used to this; being in a relationship, taking things seriously, if slow, actually meeting Andrew’s family, meaning something to him. Meaning something. More than anything, Neil wanted this to matter.
***
Later, in the gift shop, Neil and Aaron were rifling through a set of rocks and minerals when Andrew returned from the cash register, pulling Neil away and pressing something into his hand. “I know it’s small, but.” Andrew shrugged. “I don’t know, I thought you would like it.”
Neil held up the object, a model of a velociraptor, blinking in surprise. On one hand, this was a child’s toy to some extent, but on the other… Neil had never actually gotten anything like this when he was a kid. And Andrew had remembered what his favorite dinosaur was, of all things. Not really caring whether Aaron was looking or not, Neil quickly kissed Andrew’s cheek, feeling his own face warm instantly. “Thank you… you were right. I do like it.”
Maybe it really was the small things that mattered most. Andrew smiled, looking down and shrugging. “I tried. I want to try. I… yeah, you get what I’m saying, right?”
Neil squeezed the toy in his hand, feeling the rough indentations of plastic scales dig into his palm. “I think I do.”