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"I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever." Chandler announces to the room at large.
"Nobody good?" Phoebe asks.
"Nope. This last one asked if he could keep his collection of haunted dolls in the living room."
"Oh you don't want that," Phoebe says. "He's clearly trying to scam you into subletting your apartment to some spirits you didn't even get to meet."
Chandler makes a face.
"Well do you have any more people lined up?” Ross asks.
“Yeah there’s this one actor guy who is dropping by later, but I’m not holding out too much hope since when he called and I answered the phone ‘Chandler Bing,’ he said ‘Whoa-whoa, short message.’”
“If that’s the worst he got, then I think you’re fine.” Ross says with a smile.
~*~
When Chandler opens the door, he almost has a heart attack. In front of him stands the most gorgeous guy he’s ever seen in his life.
“Hi, I’m Joey. How you doin’?”
The man oozes charm in a way that feels deliberate and yet spontaneous. As if he was born just to sweep you up and make love to you till the early hours of the morning. Oh no. This is bad. This is so very bad.
Chandler starts talking a mile a minute, pointing out in rapid successions the features of the apartment.
“Woah woah slow down,” Joey says. “What’s the rush? Don’t you wanna know anything about me?” Joey is smiling at him in a way that makes Chandler’s insides twist pleasantly.
“Uhh sure. What’s… up?” Chandler could kick himself.
“Well I’m an actor. I’m fairly neat. I ah, I got my own TV. Oh and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the whole gay thing."
"Wha-" Chandler splutters. "What huh, gay thing."
Jeez is he being so obvious in checking the man out? He probably looks like a cartoon animal with hearts for eyes and a lolling five feet tongue.
"Hey hey relax!" Joey's smile makes Chandler's knees wobble. "I just meant... I'm bi myself so like I get it. No pressure."
"Oh er," Chandler clears his throat. "Thanks?"
Joey laughs and Chandler knows he's in big trouble.
~*~
Down at the bar, Monica is waiting for him, sitting on a stool. Chandler makes a beeline for her, stopping only to grab a beer from the bartender.
He has downed half of it before Monica has the chance to speak.
"Woah there, I take it you still haven't found the perfect roommate?"
"Nu-uh, I have found him, " Chandler groans. "But he is just too darn perfect."
"That cute huh." Monica smiles sympathetically.
"You have no idea. And not straight either." He takes another swig of his beer. "It's going to be hell."
"You don't know that. Maybe he’s The One and you’ll get married in the spring!”
“Har har.”
“Come on let’s shoot some pool.”
They start racking up the table when a loud screech interrupts them.
“Oh my god Monica!”
Monica is pulled into a flailing hug by a woman she hasn’t seen since high school. A waft of expensive perfume from her crisp perm tells her Rachel has not changed a bit since then. Which is unfortunate because Monica had hoped graduation would have been the last of her insane crush on the preppiest girl in her class.
“Rachel… hi. Chandler this is Rachel. Rachel, Chandler. We went to high school together.”
“Hi, yes. Monica look!” Rachel’s left hand is inches from Monica’s nose and she can’t avoid looking down the barrel of a five carat diamond. Her heart does a funny little somersault.
“Oh.”
“Yes, his name is Barry, he’s a doctor, thank you very much.”
“Just like you always wanted. Congratulations,” she grimaces.
Rachel waves her hand dismissively. “Thank you, but how about you, how have you been?”
Chandler can feel the awkwardness permeate the very air he’s breathing and tries to salvage the situation.
“Well, Monica is doing great. Aren’t you Mon?” He makes eyes at Monica.
Rachel jumps as if she just realised there were other people in the bar.
“Oh sorry! It’s Chandler right?” She pauses before something akin to realisation spreads over her features. “Are you and Monica like… dating?”
Chandler and Monica look at each other before bursting into laughter. Rachel blushes, knowing she has committed a terrible faux pas even if she’s not sure how.
“Oh honey,” Monica says amidst snorts of laughter. “Neither of us is playing for the right team, if you know what I mean.”
Rachel still looks confused.
“What Mon is trying to say is: I’m gayer than a maypole.”
“And I… Rachel you probably never realised, but I used to have the biggest crush on you.” Monica wonders where all this courage is coming from. It’s probably the knowledge that she is never going to see this woman again in her life. That and the rush of delight she feels in watching Rachel blush and squirm.
“Oh. Oh. Right. I should probably… go back to my friends.” Rachel clears her throat. “But listen, let’s have lunch the next time I’m in the city okay?”
“Sure, that’d be great.” They exchange goodbyes and once Rachel is out of earshot, Monica mutters to Chandler, “Ten bucks says that is the last I see of her.”
~*~
When Chandler gets back from work the next day, there are boxes piled outside of his front door. He swallows heavily when he spots Joey wearing an extremely tight white t-shirt sorting through them.
“Hey,” he croaks. “You need some help with that?”
Joey looks up and flashes him a dazzling smile.
“Oh no thanks, I got it.”
He effortlessly bends over to pick up a box, but when he straightens, he wavers and almost falls into Chandler. Chandler instinctively reaches out to steady him and his fingers grab hold of lean muscles straining under the cotton. He swallows again.
“Woah sorry, stood up too fast.”
“Yes the heat…” For some reason Chandler’s still holding onto Joey’s sides. “And- And the humidity.”
Joey chuckles. “That’s a tough combination.”
“Maybe you should huh, take a break?” Chandler reluctantly lets go. “Do you want a beer?”
“I could kill for one actually.”
Chandler opens the door for Joey so he can drop his box down into the apartment. Joey settles on the couch while Chandler grabs them some beers. Chandler is insanely conscious of Joey’s thigh against his own as he sits down next to the man.
“So uh what’s your job exactly?” Joey asks before taking a sip of his beer.
Chandler’s eyes are fixed on Joey’s bobbing adam’s apple as he replies, “I do statistical analysis and data reconfiguration for a major corporation.”
“No idea what that means.”
“Don’t worry nobody does. I hate my job. I spend most of my day looking at my WENUS.”
Joey snorts in his beer.
“Oh relax, it stands for Weekly Estimated Network Usage Statistics.”
“And who thought it was a good idea to shorten it to that??”
“I don’t know, but it does make for a great pickup line, don’t you think.” Chandler puts on a face and deepens his voice. “Would you like to come back to my office and see my WENUS?”
Joey laughs. “And how many guys did that work on?”
Chandler opens his mouth to reply but only a vague noise comes out. Truth is the last time he went on a date with somebody, they didn’t find the whole ‘using his sense of humour as a deflection’ thing charming.
Joey is still looking at him, waiting for an actual answer.
“I… tend to put people off with my big mouth.”
“People are morons.”
How did Joey’s hand end up on Chandler’s knee? When did their faces get so close to each other? Why is Chandler suddenly the hardest he’s ever been in his life?
“Is this okay?” Joey asks under his breath. “I saw the way you look at me and if I don’t kiss you right now I’m gonna explode.”
Chandler is doing his best impression of a goldfish, but manages to nod a few times.
Their lips are inches apart when suddenly Phoebe bursts in, a sad-looking Ross in tow.
“Oh good Chandler, you’re here. We have a situation with Ross.”
Chandler closes his eyes and thinks about the several ways he could murder Ross and still make it look like an accident. When he opens them again, Joey has pulled away from him like nothing happened.
“Hey, we haven’t met. I’m Joey, the new roommate.”
“Great, more people to partake in my misery.” Ross sits at the kitchen counter dejectedly, while Phoebe strokes his back. Neither of them seems aware that Chandler was about to get some action for the first time in months.
Chandler counts to three before asking through gritted teeth, “What happened Ross?”
“So Carol’s a lesbian. And- And I’m not one.”
~*~
It's late and the bar is empty but for Monica, who stands next to the pool table, chalking the tip of her cue.
She looks up when the door opens and can't hold back a grin.
"I can’t believe you came back."
Rachel is standing in front of her, smiling sheepishly. There's a glint of something new in her eyes.
"Don’t say anything." She takes a step forward. "I don’t wanna speak, I don’t wanna think." She barely even pauses before saying the next part. "I just want you to take me and kiss me and make love to me right here, right now."
Suddenly Monica is there, holding her hips as they kiss hungrily. Rachel is running her fingers in Monica's hair, gripping tightly, and this is possibly the best kiss of her whole damn life. She can feel herself growing wetter as Monica's hand grazes her thigh, fingertips inching under the hem of her skirt and-
"Rachel! Hello?"
She blinks and finds herself in her car, driving down the highway, away from the City and its temptations. Her friends, Kiki and Betsy, are staring at her in concern.
She clears her throat. "What?"
"You missed the exit." Kiki states.
"Oh, sorry."
"My God," Betsy asks from the backseat. "What were you thinking about?"
There's a beat of uncomfortable silence, before Rachel replies in a small voice, “Um, Barry."
Her friends reply with a chorus of delighted awws and Rachel forces out a stiff smile.