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Michael can remember the day he realized he loved Jeremy, he remembers the way Jeremy’s eyes seemed a little too bright, he remembers how Jeremy was gushing about Christine when it happened because of course, he was Jeremy has been pining over Christine since the beginning of the seventh grade. But something was different on that November day, the air was crisp, and Michael Mell realized he was in love with Jeremy Heere.
Nothing has changed since November of their freshman year, well not nothing a shit-ton happened in Junior year but that’s over now and Michael and Jeremy are okay, better than okay even; they grew even closer after all the SQUIP crap and now they’re seniors in high school and everything is better, Michael thinks, except he’s still hopelessly pining for his best friend.
But that’s fine, Michael thinks, he can pine (quietly and stealthily) as long as Jeremy doesn’t find out, that’s the thing Jeremy cannot find out about this crush (honestly its reached beyond crush limit but Michael ignores that thought) if Jeremy found out it would be catastrophic and Michael can’t handle Jeremy leaving him again. He barely survived the last time, the bracelets stacked on his arm show that to anyone who knows Michael, which is really just Jeremy and his moms (the other members of the SQUIP squad are getting closer but not...that close.)
Anyways back on topic Michael has had a crush on (been in love with) with Jeremy since freshman year when Jeremy was all acne faced and anxiety-riddled around anyone but Michael, Michael sometimes misses freshman year when Jeremy was just his and his time wasn’t taken by others, Michael almost slaps himself for this kind of thinking, Jeremy was finally doing better, he wasn’t as anxious, he doesn’t talk himself down like he used to. Michael thinks Christine has probably helped with that the most it’s hard to be rude in the presence of Christine. Sometimes Michael wonders why Jeremy couldn’t be happy with just him? why wasn’t he enough for Jeremy? if he had to choose would Jeremy leave Michael for more friends?
So maybe Michael wasn’t okay, the whole squip incident really took a toll on his mental state and six months later he still wasn’t perfect, as evidenced by the fact he still doesn’t like going to the bathroom in public by himself, and he still can’t bring himself to meet up with the rest of the squip squad at anyone's house but Jeremy’s and his own.
“He’s a teen, a teenager in love, I’m a fool with a curse and a crush, what a magic distraction, what’s the point of romance, I never wanted to be a teenager in love, teenager, teenager”
That’s Jeremy’s ringtone (don’t judge him, Michael can’t always hold his pining back). Michael listens for a moment and debates if he wants to answer, it’s currently five thirty in the afternoon on a Friday and tonight’s Jeremy and Christine’s date night, because yes they’re that cute and domestic, fuck Michael can’t think about that too much. Ultimately Michael decides to answer Jeremy (and probably Christine).
“Jere, is everything okay…” Michael asks and honestly hopes Jeremy called on accident.
“Micah...hey, are you at home?” Jeremy asks, he sounds semi-frantic and Michael can feel some kind of panic run up his chest as his head spins with different theories about what happened to Jeremy.
“Yeah Here I’m home, are you o-?” Michael’s cut off by the door shutting and Jeremy hanging up on him.
“Jeremy, what’s up?” Michael asks, he’s trying to be calm but this isn’t how Jeremy usually acts, and Michael can tell something is up.
“Micah, I-i can-can’t do this anymore…” Jeremy stutters and Michael is officially confused.
“What are you talking about, are you high without me Jeremy” nobody can say Michael didn’t try to cheer Jeremy up.
“I-i’m not high Micah, I just-I can’t date Christine anymore and I feel like such a fucking dick Micah I almost let a pill take over the world for her and now that i’m dating her I just… don’t feel anything. What the fuck do I do Michael” Jeremy rambles and Michael is a bit caught up in Jeremy’s eyes for the first bit but this news is shocking for Michael.
“What do you mean you don’t feel anything for her Jere, you’ve been dating her for 6 MONTHS!”
“Believe me I fucking know Micah! I feel like we’re just friends that make out sometimes and when I think about her it’s not the same as when I think about- nevermind” Jeremy rambles and catches himself on something.
“What were you going to say, Jeremy? Thinking about Christine isn’t the same as…” Michael asks and he needs to know by now not to get his hopes up but he does and be will continue to as long as he’s pining over his best fucking friend.
“Nothing, it doesn’t matter Michael I just- what am I supposed to do!” Jeremy yells and Michael has known Jeremy long enough that he can tell when Jeremy’s trying to cover something.
“No Jeremy I can’t help until I know what you were going to say” Michael demands nonchalantly like what he said makes absolutely any sense.
“I was just saying that thinking about her doesn’t feel the same as when I think about someone else, am I a horrible person Micah I so fucked up I can’t even like my own fucking girlfriend, I’m just so caught up on...someone else.” Jeremy rambles and Michael really fucking wants to know who this someone is.
“Well what do you feel for this other person Jere, let’s start with that” It might sound like Michael is dropping the subject but he’s doing literally anything but that.
“I don’t know Micah, I just-This other person makes me feel so special and loved, but they don’t like me and couldn’t but I just want to be around them all the time but I don’t wanna feel like a burden, fuck Micah I just-I think I love this person and that’s so wrong I have a girlfriend, one I almost ruined humanity for, one that I pined over for so long but I’ve known-feel like I’ve known this other person for so fucking long and I’ve loved him-them for so fucking long, I think I loved them without even noticing, Michael what the fuck am I supposed to do?” Jeremy rambles and Michael honestly is stuck on the fact that Jeremy likes a boy, is he gay? Bi? Pan? Whatever he likes guys which means Michael has a chance, fuck stop that Michael you have no chance, even if he likes boys.
“Wait, Jeremy, him? Like a boy him?” Michael asks a Jeremy goes a very telling shade of red.
“So are you gay? Bi? Pan?” Michael asks, sue him he’s curious and hopeful a voice in his head whispers out.
“Bi? I think I’ve done a ton of research and that sounds like the closest thing” Jeremy states and the fact there’s no stutter tells Michael just how much research Jeremy has done.
“That’s great Jeremy, we can celebrate after you tell me this guys name,” Michael says with a wink to hide the flinch, he doesn’t really want to know what guy Jeremy chose over him.
“Yeah... I’m not telling you that Micah” Jeremy breathes out and Michael squashes down the hopeful feeling that maybe Jeremy isn’t telling him because it’s him, that’s ridiculous Jeremy would never love him, not over Christine, not over whoever this guy is.
“C’ mon Jeremy we can finally talk about guys together, just like we were straight best friends except now it’s the opposite” Michael says with a wink and hopes he’s doing a great job hiding the fact it hurts Jeremy chose his gay crush to be someone other than him (honestly he knows Jeremy didn’t choose who he had a crush on, but Michael hates the fact that Jeremy’s brain can’t even see that he’s here and willing and would literally do anything to be with Jeremy.)
“Michael, you’ve always talked about guys to me before, what’s gonna change?” Jeremy joked.
“Yeah but now you can reciprocate dude, we can be like regular teenage best friends and talk about crushes dude” Michael exclaims and it looks like Jeremy might just go along with it.
“Michael no, I can’t tell you who it is okay” Jeremy snaps and Michael is confused they were just joking and now Jeremy is looking away with his eyes downcast and he starts to walk away.
“Jeremy why can’t you just fucking tell me, I’m your best friend-” Michael demands he’s probably being a little too loud.
“That’s the exact reason you’re my best friend, my only best friend Micah I just-I can’t,” Jeremy says and confuses Michael even more.
“Me being your best friend shouldn’t change if you can tell me who you fucking like Jeremy, I’m not gonna like judge you or whatever, I just don’t get why you can’t fucking tell me!” Michael rants and Jeremy has a look of something akin to resignation on his face.
“Sure stay silent, don’t tell me why you don’t trust me enough to tell me small fucking details, Jesus Jere I just wanted to help okay I’ll stop!” Jeremy has a somber look on his face and honestly looks like his life could end at any time.
“I can’t tell you Micha!”
“Why the fuck not!”
“Because it’s you, asshole!”
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“It’s...me?” Michael asks and he feels fucking numb, is this a joke? Did Jeremy find out about Michael’s crush thing and decide to mess with him? Michael decides he’s going to laugh it off.
“That’s funny, nice one Jer who is it really,” Michael asks and he can feel his heart breaking with every fucking empty laugh that comes out of his dry mouth.
“Micah-I-i’m not joking...fuck do you want me to go I can figure this out myself, that’s probably a good idea, yeah I’m just gonna g-” Jeremy rambles and Michael can see Jeremy retreat into a shell of sorts as he pulls at his cardigan.
“Don’t you dare fucking walk out of this house Jeremiah Heere” Michael demands and Jeremy sits on Michael’s bed beside Michael and Michael doesn’t think he’s going to survive if Jeremy keeps stealing glances and pushing down some kind of smile. They sit in silence for 10 minutes before Jeremy gets too antsy to stay.
“...So I’m just gonna go, I’ll see you at school if you even still want to see me. Look Micah I still want to be your friend but if you don’t after today, you don’t have to I can..I can.. I can stay away, I won’t force my company on you especially if you feel uncomfortable or something please just text me beforehand so I can prepare… I’ll see you later Micah, I’m really sorry I ruined this.” Jeremy rambles and Michael can’t bring himself to speak, Jeremy can’t actually have a crush on him, this will all be a joke, he’ll be back in that fucking bathroom just this time there will be no squip to blame just himself for thinking Jeremy can love him, or even like him, yeah Michael isn’t going to do that to himself.
So he lets a teary Jeremy walk out of his room, out of his house, and quite possibly out of his life. Michael then curls up on his bed and cries himself to a not so peaceful sleep. Michael tries not to think about Jeremy but he probably just lost his best friend (and all his other friends because they came with Jeremy so they’ll probably go with Jeremy).
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Michael doesn’t want to go to school the next Monday, but he had three days to wallow in self-pity and his mother’s both forced him out of bed and out of the house so he was practically forced to go to school. When he walks in the first thing he sees is Christine running up to him holding some kind of sign up sheet, God he really can’t deal with this today.
“Michael, Michael Mell” Christine yells in a sing-song voice and Michael is screwed because Christine is one of his closest friends besides Jeremy and he can’t really say no to her.
“Hey Chris, what’s up?” Michael says and he tries to fake his usual enthusiasm but his red swollen eyes probably give him away.
“I should be asking you that, what happened this weekend between you and Jeremy? He showed up practically bawling Friday, and all I could really understand was it had something to do with you… Plus I think he broke up with me but I really couldn’t tell.” Christine explains sounding way too happy for someone who probably just got broken up with.
“You don’t sound too sad for someone who probably got broken up with,” Michael says and Christine laughs.
“Mike… I broke up with Jeremy a month ago I guess I didn’t do it right...” Christine giggles adorably as she says it, and honestly Michael isn’t that surprised she was too kind to Jeremy that he didn’t even know she broke up with him.
“But anyway, don't get off topic Michael Mell, I know something happened between you two Jeremy hasn’t stopped crying all weekend!” he’s not the only one Michael thinks.” and I can tell you haven’t been much better.”
“Hey!”
“It’s true” Christine shrugs and sticks her tongue out at Michael.
“Jeremy’s Bi,” Michael says after a beat of silence, Christine gives him a blank look.
“Well, Obviously! does that have something to do with what happened between you two? You didn’t judge him for his sexuality did you I know some people who think that Bisexuality is just for people who can’t choose, or want attention I swear Michael if that’s what happened I’ll hurt you myself, Jeremy doesn’t deserve-”
“That’s not what happened Chris, I’m not a fucking idiot. Do you actually think I could be like that? What the fuck Christine am I that rude god!” Michael rambles, does he come off as that rude shit!
“No, NO! Michael, I was just asking sorry, what actually happened?” Christine asked and she looks so sincere that Michael just...spills.
“Well, you see Jeremy came over on Friday freaking out because he didn’t think he actually liked you-no offence”
“None taken”
“He started talking about someone else he liked and he let the pronoun slip and when I asked him about it he came out I congratulated him...whatever then I was like well whos the lucky boy? And when he wouldn’t tell me we got in a small spat because it felt like he didn’t trust me and shit, but anyways finally he just yells out who he has a crush on”
“You’re mad at him because he has a crush Michael I honestly don’t get you two?”
“I’m not done, then he fucking yells out that he likes me”
“Oh shit”
“I know! So I was like haha funny joke or whatever and he was like Michael it's not a joke and then I just- I couldn’t- it still felt like a joke and I didn’t let myself be fucking happy about it because what if it ended up being a joke then he would laugh at me and call me a loser forever loving him-”
“Wait you love him!? Fuck Michael, you’ve been listening to me gushing about him for five months!” Christine exclaims and Michael blushes and hopes Christine doesn’t feel too bad.
“It’s fine Chris I listened to him pine over you for like five years or whatever,” Michael says and Christine blushes like she always does when people mention Jeremy’s crush or whatever.
“Anyways So I was fucking scared that it was a joke and he would leave me which would mean all of you would leave too because you came with Jeremy so obviously you would leave with Jeremy too and fuck I was just so scared that I let Jeremy leave, he was crying he told me he would stay away and fuck Christine I don’t want him to leave, fuck I love him, Chris, but he can’t love me, he just...can’t. I’m not good enough Chris, I’ll never be good enough and he thinks I’m enough and fuck I need to calm the fuck down.”
“Michael number 1: We wouldn’t leave you just because you and Jeremy weren’t friends” Michael opens his mouth to respond but Christine cuts him off “number 2: Look behind you” Christine says and Michael is confused as fuck until he turns around and Jeremy is standing there eyes red and puffy as tears stream down his face and he sobs. Michael starts to turn and run but Christine levels him with a withering look so he stays where he is and hopes for the best.
“Micah-Michael I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry” Jeremy sobs, he tries to cover his face with his hands.
“Jeremy we should talk,” Michael says and Jeremy flinches before the sobs get worse.
“Okay let’s go to the auditorium no ones in there this time of day” Michael whispers he doesn’t want Jeremy to cry anymore he’s going to fix this.
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“Jere, you need to calm down it’s fine we’re going to be fine.” Michael tries to calm Jeremy down as they sit in the back of the auditorium, Jeremy has his hands buried in his hair and he’s on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Y-you actually think you aren’t good enough… for me.” Jeremy whispers and before Michael can answer “For me, I’m not good enough for you fuck Michael, why would you think that?” Jeremy asks, he looks so fucking torn.
“Jeremy, that’s not true you’re too good”
“Michael no-”
“Wait what the fuck why are we arguing about this, Jeremy I love you and You like me, why are we even fucking bothering with this shit!” Michael exclaims and Jeremy perks up.
“Fuck, you love me?” Jeremy asks, he looks so happy Michael can’t backtrack.
“I do” Michael whispers, Jeremy fucking lights up and is practically jumping up and down.
“Fuck Micah I love you too”
“You love me?”
“You idiot of course I do”
“We’re both idiots” Michael whispers
“Idiot boyfriends?” Jeremy whispers
“Idiot boyfriends,” Michael affirms and smiles softly at Jeremy before leaning in slowly and just before their lips touch, Jeremy has a sudden thought.
“WAIT! I haven’t broken up with Christine fuck I mean I tried to but I think I was crying too much for her to notice fuck Micah what am I gonna do?” Jeremy yells and looks very confused as to why Michael is practically on the ground laughing at him.
“What the fuck Micah this isn’t funny! Why would you-”
“Jeremy, darling, dear love of my life, Christine broke up with you a month ago”
“WAIT WHAT! How did I not know Michael-” Jeremy is cut off with a kiss and is honestly too shocked to kiss back for a good 5 seconds but when he does it feels Magical and Jeremy feels like a 12-year-old girl saying that but Michael feels so fucking good and he’s a fucking great kisser even though he’s never done it before and Jeremy sort of want to curse him because Michael should not be this fucking good. when they finally pull apart Jeremy accepts the fact that he has a fucking amazing boyfriend.