Chapter Text
Most of his life had been an act. A carefully crafted mask to hide his pain behind a blinding smile.
Like most childhood sad stories, Shouyou’s had started at home. It wasn’t that his parents mistreated him, at first. They just didn’t treat him at all. They didn’t scold him when his grades were bad, and they didn’t congratulate him when they were good. They didn’t care. He’d come home from school to find old leftovers in the fridge, all lights out, his parents still at work. On the odd times they all happened to be at home at the same time, they were too tired to deal with him, only talking to him to give him chores to do and complaining about the ones he didn’t even know he had to do.
His mom started spending more time at home when his little sister was born, and 7 years old Shouyou thought it would change things. It did, but not on the way he hoped. His father decided to leave for good, and his mother accused her kids of being too much. Shouyou wondered why they even bothered having a second child when they clearly didn’t care about their first.
When he was deemed capable enough of taking care of Natsu by himself, his mother went back to working full time. Shouyou’s responsibilities only increased, adding taking to and picking up his baby sister from daycare, cooking for the both of them, doing groceries with the laughable amount of money his mother gave him, keeping the house clean, and keeping up his grades at school. He was always tired, always hungry, but he couldn’t resent his sister for all the extra work. Not when she was the only good thing in his life. He’d read her stories every night, talk to her about places they would someday visit, take her for short walks around the neighborhood, build blanket forts under the stars on the weekends. Everything he’d read parents did with their kids.
By the time he turned 10, due to leaving most of his food to Natsu, he was slightly malnourished, somewhat small for his age, and constantly getting sick, which only made his mother more upset with him. Especially when school called her at work to ask why her son was so tired and preoccupied when his only concerns should be classes and playing. “That’s just the way he is, his father was the same,” she’d say and the teachers would believe her. Then he’d be yelled at when she got home, complaining about how much of an ungrateful brat he was being. Those would be his longest interactions with his mother, listening to her stating what a waste of space he and his sister were.
It got worse during his first year of junior high school, where his new classmates would make fun of him for everything. His hair was too bright, his voice too loud, his clothes too old, his frame too small, he cried too much, and he was too queer. Whatever that meant. Everything that made him unique was wrong, it seemed. Being a sad, tired kid wasn’t the norm, and it meant being left out. No friends, no attention from his parents, nothing. His only company was a 6 years old girl who loved him unconditionally and while he loved her back, it wasn’t enough.
Once it was time to start senior high, he decided to change to a school where he wouldn’t know anyone. But that alone wouldn’t make everything go away, he was sure the bullying would only continue if he kept being the same than in junior high. So he became the loudest boy in the class, the happiest ray of sunshine anyone had ever met, facing life with a smile on his life as if nothing could ever go wrong. Fake it ‘til you make it, right?
His mother didn’t even notice the change in her son’s attitude, too busy with her boyfriend parade. She’d keep breaking up and starting dating someone else every few months, each one of them acting like they owned the place while the relationship lasted. If that’s what it meant having his mother home, Shouyou kinda wished she would have just stayed away like before. He hated how they treated him and Natsu, but what else could he expect when not even their mother stood up for them? The first time he talked back to one of them, he had to miss school for three days due to the dark bruise on his face. His mother learned to choose easier places to hide next time.
✧
Life after switching to Karasuno was better, at least on the outside. He was popular in his class, and he finally had friends. Sometimes they’d even hang out after class, mostly with Yachi and Yamaguchi. Neither of them knew the real Hinata, though, he couldn’t risk them pushing him away if they did. Being a happy-go-lucky teenager clearly was the way to go. So he kept the act, he’d smile all day, chat enthusiastically with anyone who’d approach him, and carefully avoid all dangerous topics. Like ‘how far’ he had gone with Yachi, which he couldn’t understand at first. He’d never seen or thought about girls that way. If anything, his only crush so far had been with a 3rd year boy whose name he didn’t even know, and that was a secret he’d take to his grave. Hopefully soon.
At least he had the Internet to hide in. When his mother wasn’t home, or was too busy with her current boyfriend, he’d take her laptop to his room. He’d use video games as a chance to immerse himself into a different character's life, someone who didn’t want to die. And he’d use online forums to talk about how much he did want to die. He had promised himself he wouldn’t go along with that wish, though, he couldn’t bear the idea of leaving Natsu by herself. But sometimes it was just too hard to hang on to life. More than once he had incurred into self-harm, trying to convince himself that if it hurts, then it meant that he actually wanted to live. It never really worked.
It was on one of these video games that he met who would become his best friend. Applepi was the master of the Free Company he joined right after started playing his first mmorpg, and had been patient enough to teach him everything he needed to know in order to not get lost in the game mechanics. And that meant a lot of patience, because Shouyou would constantly get distracted by the huge maps and wanting to try every single job at once instead of focusing on one or two at a time.
On one occasion, another member of their Company had asked their leader about their panic attacks and anxiety, and the way he openly talked about it got Shouyou thinking. Maybe he wasn’t the only sad kid around, maybe he just never found the right people to talk about it with.
He decided to risk it, and opened a private chat with Applepi. What was the worst that could happen? Pushing away a person that had never been physically close in the first place? So he talked to him, firstly asking about casual stuff, then prying into the other’s anxiety, and finally slowly opening about his own issues. To say he was surprised by his anon friend’s understanding was putting it lightly. Where had he been all his life? Why couldn’t he had found someone like him before? What at first were short conversations eventually turned into nightlong chats about the struggles of dealing with a mental illness. At least that’s what the doctor from school had said he had, although his mother never actually bothered taking him to a psychologist to confirm his depression diagnosis. She didn’t care.
But Kenma, as he later found it his new friend was called, was something else. He not only cared, but understood what he was going through. He didn’t judge him, not for his constant sad thoughts, or his loneliness, or how he was crushing on another boy. Kenma had been struggling with social anxiety almost all his life, had been in love with his best friend (a boy!) for years, and had actual real life friends who knew about his problems. Shouyou couldn’t help but feel jealous for that last part, maybe he’d chosen the wrong school? Maybe he should just open up to Yachi? She seemed to be understanding and have kinda similar enough problems, if her occasional paranoia was anything to go by. But he was afraid of losing her friendship, and decided to keep the act, just like he had always done.
His grades started slipping again, and the school counselor appointed him a tutor for guidance. A 3rd year who planned on getting a degree in education after school, Sawamura Daichi. That’s how Shouyou finally learned the name of his crush, and he panicked. What if Sawamura realized how he looked at him? What if he was disgusted? But if he did, he never mentioned it. Sawamura was everything his mother always said Shouyou should be: smart, strong, handsome, manly. And more importantly, he was something she never mentioned as it wasn’t as relevant to her: he was kind. He’d been patient with Shouyou’s nerves, always giving him time and space to understand his homework assignments, and he didn’t comment on how awkward Shouyou acted around him. He always had extra food with him, supposedly because he was too hungry when he bought his lunch and then just couldn’t eat it all, but Shouyou knew that wasn’t true. It made him feel guilty at first, but he was grateful that his senpai was going out of his way to make sure he was eating, and even giving him sweet treats every now and then. The only downside was that this didn’t help at all to get over his crush, if anything, it was only making it worse. "Just call me Daichi, no need to take me so seriously," he said the third time Shouyou bowed at him in greeting, and gave him some ice cream he had bought by 'accident'. How could someone be so nice to a kid they barely knew?
✧
By his second year of senior high school, Daichi had moved to Tokyo and while they had never become actual friends, they still texted from time to time. Kenma had turned into his main support through the distance, and he was Kenma’s. Real life hadn't gotten better for either of them. His mother's aggression towards her children was only growing, and Shouyou could see the light in his sister's eyes getting dimmer. Kenma's anxiety had gotten worse since his supposedly best friend had bailed on him, leaving him dumbfounded and lost. He and Shouyou got closer, and the ginger had spent most of the year saving part of the Hinata's grocery money for tickets to Tokyo, to visit Kenma on his birthday.
It wasn't easy to leave his sister behind for the weekend, but Yachi had assured him she'd keep an eye on her. The two hours long train ride was probably the most nervous he'd ever been. Although he'd been able to tell Kenma his deepest worries and feelings, and he'd never felt judged, it was different to think they would see each other face to face. Was he supposed to keep his happy facade? Or could he be his true self?
Before he knew it, he was looking for blond hair and black roots on the train station, his heart pounding on his chest. He was terrified Kenma would realize he wasn't worth the trouble and leave him to fend for himself in an unknown city. Turns out, it was far from that. Shouyou had rehearsed his smile on the way, but not even 15 minutes after meeting each other in real life, Kenma had assured him he didn't need to pretend around him. So he didn't, and he was happy for the first time in years.
It was weird, feeling happy about being able to be sad. But this was the first time someone was interested in how he actually felt, and didn't just pretend to care. In return, he got to see the real Kenma, and it would have broken his heart if it hadn't been already in pieces. Kenma's relationship with Kuroo hadn't gotten better, only the opposite, and Shouyou had to listen to his best friend cry himself to sleep.
At least the rest of Kenma's friends had been there for him, and Shouyou found himself wondering again how different his life could have been if he were attending the same school. The guys from Nekoma all welcomed him with arms wide open, and he had fun for the first time. Maybe he could move to Tokyo for University, he'd had to save enough during the next year in order to take his sister with him. It wouldn't be easy, but there was no way he'd leave her alone with their mother.
The rest of the weekend had gone smoothly, or as smoothly as it could go for two sad teenagers, watching anime and playing video games until way too late, and during the ride back home he started making plans for university.
✧
He spent his third year working at a cafe during the weekends, trying to save as much as possible, and going to Tokyo once a month. He had thought of visiting Daichi, but since they’d never had more than a senpai-kohai relationship, he wasn’t sure he’d be welcome. He always stayed in Kenma’s tiny dorm, which he shared with an older boy who never complained, not even when Shouyou took Natsu with him in hopes she would like it there. She loved it, so there was one less problem. But since life hated him, there were also new problems.
Near the end of the year, his mother had found out about his plans of moving out, and had gotten mad at him for even thinking about it. At first, some naive part of him thought that it was because she cared and would miss them, but soon he realized it was just because that would leave her out of someone to do her chores for her, and, more importantly, what would the neighbors think if she just let him move to another city with his 11 years old sister? She took all of his hard earned savings, claiming it was her right for putting up with such ungrateful children.
Shouyou almost thought of giving up, but one look at the way his mother’s current boyfriend glanced at Natsu, and he decided he’d do the impossible to get her away from that place. Something made him text Daichi that night, and in years to come he’d pinpoint that exact day as the moment his life started changing for the better.
While he didn’t give his senpai any details about his own feelings or mental struggles, he did tell him about his cancelled trip to Tokyo, which his sister was really looking forward to. When Daichi asked why it was he had to cancel, Shouyou just said his mother didn’t have enough money to pay for their train ride. He wasn’t sure what he expected, telling him about that, but what happened totally surprised him. The older boy immediately called him, and offered to pay for both their tickets. When Shouyou embarrassingly said he couldn’t accept something like that, Daichi threatened with going all the way to Miyagi to pick them up and getting them to Tokyo himself. Shouyou wasn’t sure if the other would really go through with the ultimatum, but he decided to accept the tickets, just in case. He went to sleep with a smile on his face, thinking maybe they really were friends, after all.
✧
He graduated from senior high school two weeks later. All his mother had to say about that was that now he could get a better job to help with the house. Shouyou pretended to agree with her, only to appease her, and waited until she was out of the house for the weekend to get everything ready to leave. Neither Natsu or he had a lot of clothes or belongings, so it was easy to pack. Two suitcases and a big backpack were enough to uproot their entire life, and clutching the train tickets like his life depended on it, they left their childhood home for what would be the last time in a very long time. He was terrified. He didn’t have any plans, he hadn’t found a new school for Natsu yet, and he wasn’t sure how easy it would be to get a job in Tokyo, even less a place to stay. Kenma had promised to host them for a few weeks, but it couldn’t be permanent because of his dorm rules. That would be enough to get started, Hinata assured him, not quite convinced he believed it himself.
Kenma’s roommate, Akaashi, was waiting for them at the train station. He dropped Shouyou at a café, and then left with Natsu to leave their stuff at what would be their temporal home. It hadn’t been easy to let her go without him, but Akaashi had convinced him that he’d have to get used to it, anyway, since he couldn’t just take her everywhere once he had a job or enrolled in University.
Shouyou stood at the door of the café where he had agreed to meet with Daichi, and took one, two, three slow breaths before finding the courage to get inside. He was welcomed by the smell of coffee and freshly baked goods. It made his stomach growl, realizing he hadn’t had anything to eat since the night before. He gave his breakfast to Natsu, claiming he had already had something while the girl was still asleep. The inside of the café was warm, cozy, with the sound of soft pop music keeping the nice ambient.
“Welcome to the Crow’s Nest!” A feminine voice greeted him somewhere from his right. Hinata wondered how a place with such a name could look so friendly. “What can I serve you today?” The barista asked, ignoring the lack of greeting from Shouyou’s part.
“Uhm,” Shouyou nervously approached to counter. “I was told to ask for Suga-san?” He inquired, following Daichi's instructions from their last phone conversation.
The girl smiled and nodded, before turning to her left, where a gray-haired guy was brewing coffee. “Suga! There’s someone looking for you!” She called, pointing at Shouyou with a tilt of her head.
Suga waved at Shouyou, before signaling to wait for him. “I’ll be taking my break now, Shimizu!” He announced, and moved from behind the counter. “Hi there! You must be Hinata, right? Daichi told me you’d be stopping by,” Suga beamed at him, and Shouyou couldn’t help but be jealous of how easy it seemed to be for him to smile like that.
Shouyou gulped, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. He remembered seeing the older boy during his first senior high school year, but had never talked to him. “Ah, yes, I’m Hinata Shouyou, it’s nice to meet you Suga-san,” he gave a small bow, not sure of what to expect. All Daichi had said was that he’d catch up to them as soon as he could get out of work.
Suga’s smile only grew wider. How much could a person smile? “No need for honorifics, any friend of my boyfriend is a friend of mine,” he said, blowing Shouyou’s mind. What? What? “C’mon, let’s sit at a table while we wait for him,” he suggested, gently motioning him to a table near the back of the café, half hidden behind a wooden wall, where they could presumably talk without others bothering them. Shouyou silently followed his direction, sitting on the couch, and nodding absently when Suga told him to wait there while he got him something to eat.
Shouyou wondered what the hell he was doing there. He’d agreed to meet Daichi, but what for? His senpai just said he wanted to catch up with him, and that he might be able to help him find a place to work part-time. He sighed, forcing himself to glance up to where Suga was preparing his beverage. There were so many questions going around his head. What did he mean by boyfriend? Were they in an actual, real relationship? Were they like him? Why had he never known? How could they have friends, a boyfriend, a life, and be happy? What had he done so wrong in his life as to not deserve that kind of happiness? He could feel the tears forming in his eyes, and hurried to dry them away with the dirty sleeves of his hoodie, but they just wouldn’t stop.
He decided it was better to just leave and go back to Kenma’s, but before he could even try, a hand was on his shoulder, preventing him from getting up, and another hand placed a tray on the table in front of him. He tried to say something, but nothing would come up. He clenched his hands over his knees, head hanging low.
“I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?” A soft voice asked him, and he felt the couch pillow dip next to him, where the owner of the voice was sitting.
Shouyou hurried to shake his head in denial, sniffling, still unable to speak. He felt the moment he opened his mouth, he wouldn’t be able to stop the sobs forming in his throat. He felt the weight of Suga’s gaze on him, not letting go of the grip on his shoulder. Shouyou shifted uncomfortably on the couch, too embarrassed to do anything. What a first impression he was making on his crush’s boyfriend, huh.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Suga offered, his voice low as to not startle him, and getting closer so no one else would hear. He dragged the tray through the table so it was within Shouyou’s reach, a warm cup of chocolate and a slice of pie waiting for him.
Hinata reluctantly lifted up his chin, his eyes finding Suga’s. The other boy had a gentle, warm smile on his face and it was too much. “Why can’t I be happy?” He bawled before he could stop himself, and it was like a dam crashing down. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing, no matter how many times he rubbed his sleeves on his face, they just kept coming back. He didn’t even understand why he was crying. Suga wasn’t the first person he’d seen smiling, so why had it affected so much? It wasn’t even because he was Daichi's boyfriend, that wasn’t the relationship he expected to have with the older boy. It was just so frustrating to see the casual happiness in his eyes, something that he’d never managed to fake on his own.
Before he understood what was happening, the hand grabbing his shoulder moved away, but then two arms were wrapping around him, gently pulling him into a hug. He was glad there weren’t many people around, because he started sobbing louder against Suga’s shoulder, his fists curling into fists, clutching the fabric of the other’s shirt. He felt ridiculous for his outburst, but he'd never been hugged before, not like that. It had always been him trying to make his little sister feel better, not the other way around.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been crying, but Suga never even attempted to let go of him. He just let him pour his heart out, whispering kind words of encouragement in his ears, a hand combing his hair.
Sometime later, he felt Suga shift his head, still not letting go of the boy between his arms. Shouyou swallowed down a last sob, and let go of the older boy's clothes, only to find his chest and shoulder wet with tears and snot. It was embarrassing, really, but Suga only smiled at him before lifting up a hand to wipe away his tears.
Another voice pulled him out of his thoughts, a voice he hadn't heard in a while, but that had always warmed his heart. "Hey, Hinata, mind if I sit with you?" Daichi asked, a worried expression in his face. Shouyou nodded, wordlessly. Great, that was exactly how he wanted to meet him for the first time in two years, eyes red and puffy and voice hoarse from crying. Daichi looked like a proper adult, and he felt like a little kid.
"I'll go warm up your chocolate and leave you two to catch up," Suga offered, getting up as soon as his boyfriend was seated in front of him. Hinata nodded again, but didn't say anything. After what he'd done to his shirt, he figured he might as well let him in into why he was acting like a brat, so he decided to wait until he was back before explaining himself.
Suga was faster than he expected, and he didn't feel ready yet. Something in his face must have given him up, because Daichi was quick to lift up a hand. "You don't need to say anything if you don't want to. But we're in case you do," he stated. Hinata nodded yet again, as if that was the only thing he was capable of doing, and reached for his drink, hoping it would calm him down.
Once he finished his warm beverage and ate all his pie, he realized he would never be really ready to talk about this, so he might as well just do it. So he told them about his childhood, how his parents neglected him, his father leaving them, how badly his mother treated him and his sister. He even talked about his confusion about boys, his worries about Natsu's future, and how much he wished he could just stop existing. He talked and talked, stuff he hadn't even told Kenma, and the whole time he could feel Suga's hand going up and down his back, letting him know he was there, listening.
When he finally stopped speaking, he saw Daichi and Suga exchange glances, having what he assumed was a silent conversation. He shifted in his seat. "Hinata, would you wait here for a few minutes? Please, don't leave, we'll be back before you know it," Daichi asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. Shouyou nodded, confused, and watched them leave towards what seemed to be an employee's-only room. What was going on? Was he such a weirdo that they had felt the need to get away to catch their breath? He looked down at his phone, wondering how Natsu was feeling. She was probably too excited about finally leaving Miyagi behind to be worried about their future.
Not even five minutes later, the couple was back, sitting again with him on the couch, one on each side.
"Hinata, how would you feel about staying with us?" Daichi was the first to speak, a serious look in his face.
Shouyou frowned. "What?" He voiced his thoughts, not understanding. "I'm… I'm staying with Kenma and Akaashi for a few weeks, until I can get a place of my own," he mumbled, looking between them.
The other two shared a look again. "That's what we meant," it was Suga who spoke now. "We have more than enough space in our house. You and your sister could have each your own room, and you can stay for as long as you want, a whole year, two, even more if you need," he explained, while his boyfriend nodded to show his approval.
Shouyou's mind was spinning. "Are you sure?" He couldn't refrain himself from asking. "I don't know how much I'll be able to afford, I haven't even found a job, yet."
"Well, that's the point. You wouldn't need to pay rent. It was my grandmother's house, but now it's mine and it's too big for just the two of us," Daichi insisted, his expression warming up.
Shouyou opened his mouth, only to close it again when he realized nothing logical would come out of it. "I don't know what to say," he admitted, staring down at his empty cup. "Why would you do that for us? We don't even know each other that much." Why was he trying so hard to deny them when all he wanted was to say yes, please, let me share some of your happiness?
"You know, Daichi and I started dating during our first year of senior high. It was hard keeping it a secret from everyone, even our friends, worried that it would cause us trouble or that people would look at us wrong," Suga started talking. Shouyou focused on him, not quite understanding why he was telling him that. He seemed to read the confusion in his face, because he immediately continued. "What I want to say is, we know a thing or two about hiding the real you and your feelings. It wasn't until we moved to Tokyo that we finally felt free to be ourselves and stop hiding," he finished, and comprehension dawned on Shouyou's face. That was exactly what he wanted. To be himself.
He glimpsed at Daichi, and the way he was smiling at his boyfriend made Shouyou's stomach flip, remembering how his crush was born with the first smile his senpai had directed at him. But then he looked back at Suga, who was still focused on the younger boy, waiting for his answer, and he could see him biting down a smile, as if he already knew what Shouyou would reply and was genuinely happy about it. It wasn't fair, not being able to hate his crush's boyfriend because he happened to be the most caring and selfless person he'd ever met. They really were meant for each other, he thought.
Shouyou took a deep breath and counted to ten before replying, not wanting to sound too eager. "Okay. If you're absolutely sure, then… yes, I, I mean, we would love to move in with you," he accepted, solemnly nodding, as if this decision wouldn't change his whole life.
Daichi grinned, reaching to ruffle his hair and Suga cheered, jumping closer to hug them both. Shouyou didn't even try to stop the smile from growing in his face. A real smile. How weird was that?