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Is That a Snake in Your Trousers
(Or are You Happy to See Me?)
Ten years after the end of the war, Harry had the life he had always wanted, for the most part. Missus Right still hadn't found her way to Harry's doorstep, but he had great friends, a job he loved, and the freedom to work the way he wanted, sans a mad dark lord—and madder headmaster—breathing down his neck. He had even repaired the breach with Snape and had a brilliant friendship with the man. All was well in his world.
Until the day he fucked up on the Medusa case and woke up with a snake for a prick.
Harry stared at the coral snake in his trousers and struggled to work out just how the bloody hell he had gotten himself into this freakshow of a mess.
His 'prick' stared back.
How the fuck had this even happened? It could only be a result of the crime scene he had investigated the day before, but Merlin! The victim hadn't ended up with a snake prick... just a headful of angry, venomous adders. And... in other places.
In retrospect, it could have been much worse.
Thank Merlin he always set wards and protected himself against contamination prior to entering crime scenes, or the aurors would have had a to find a new head for the biomagical crimes division.
Still, as much as Harry liked snakes, he liked having a penis more. And he only knew one person with the skill and honour to restore his manhood without making him the spectacle of the century.
Gods help him. Snape would never let him live this down.
Two years after the war, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had entered the force as aurors fresh from training. Even with the skill and promise their superiors swore they showed, the number of unsolved cases had disturbed them, and Harry had the idea it came from their utter lack of secondary education. After all, how could they identify this potion from that when Hogwarts only covered potions with some positive benefit? Criminals didn't kill their victims with Draught of Peace and Wiggenweld Potions. Most of them anyway.
To that end, Harry signed up for a mastery in healing and biochemistry and took some extra classes on the dark arts and investigation procedure. He hoped it would help him solve more cases as well as heal any survivors he found.
Before a year had passed, he decided to take a mastery in potions as well, as more and more homicides tended to be poisonings now that most of the Death Eaters were off the streets.
And Harry’s initiative had started a trend. The other aurors, upon seeing his greater success rate, had taken their own masteries, too. Minister Shacklebolt soon made it a requirement for the program that all aurors had to receive at least one secondary mastery within three years of beginning the force.
So far, it had served them well. Incompetence among the aurors had dropped drastically, and they finally solved more cases than they failed these days. And Harry, Hermione, and Ron had the best rates of all. The war had sharpened their skills and resourcefulness, and their special training complemented each other. Besides Harry’s masteries, Hermione had taken masteries in the dark arts and ancient magic, and Ron had trained in curse breaking with Bill. Few cases slipped by their combined expertise.
But after a year or so of working together, Harry soon found himself swamped with cases while Ron and Hermione had little to do to keep up. It seemed with all the Death Eaters in prison, the low-lifes of the world had worked out that poisoning their victims meant less risk to their person and made their involvement more difficult to trace. Potions-based homicide rates had skyrocketed, while those using other means had tapered off, leaving Harry drowning in work he had no hope of completing alone.
After a few months of this, Kingsley called him into his office. “Harry, I have good news. You’re going to have more help now.”
Harry frowned. “I do? Who else took a potions mastery?”
“Well, no one has completed one yet except Jensen, but we have ten other aurors in potions training.”
“That’s… good, I guess, but they don’t have the training yet.”
“No, but they’re getting there. And in the meantime, we’re going to change how the department is ordered.” Kingsley gave him a stern, but kind look. “You’re not going to like it, but we’re dividing the potions team up into a new department—the Biomagical Crimes division. You’ll be heading it, of course, and you’ll have four teams of aurors under your direction to delegate as you choose. Jensen isn’t happy about it, but—”
“Wait,” Harry said with a shake of his head. “Slow down. You’re saying you’re putting me over Ron and Hermione? But we’re a team.”
Kingsley winced. “No, Harry. They don’t have potions training. They’re staying in the main department.”
Harry slumped into the nearest chair with a small, “Oh.”
“I know you’d rather work with your friends, but the fact is that they’re bored senseless in this situation, and you’re hopelessly overworked.”
“Well, yeah, but they could do the potions training and then we could work together.”
“But they don’t want to do potions training, Harry.” Kingsley patted his shoulder. “Look, this way you’ll at least still be working together, just not always on the same cases. Otherwise, I don’t think either one of them will stay with the aurors long. Ron mentioned missing his work with Bill the other day, and, Harry, Hermione told me last week that Minerva offered her the defence position, and she’s considering taking it.” Kingsley shook his head. “I can’t afford to lose them. You three are the best we have. This is the only way that I can see keeping you all on the force without burning you out and boring them into taking another job.”
Harry nodded, though he hated the idea of breaking his team up. Hermione had told him about Minerva’s request, too, but she hadn’t said that she was considering taking the position. He supposed she hadn’t wanted to hurt him. Ron, too.
Well, he wasn’t happy about it—and somehow he knew Jensen would throw a wobbly. She’d been angling for a position of authority for months now and kept hinting that Harry only had the freedom and prestige he did because of his fame. Still, if he took the position, at least his friends would still work with him.
“All right,” he said with a sigh. “I’ll miss them, but at least we’ll still be together every now and then.”
“Thank you, Harry. You won’t regret it.”
To his surprise, he hadn’t. He had thrived in the biomagical division, and as the most skilled auror in the department, he got to choose the interesting missions and delegate the simple, boring cases to his trainees. Jensen sulked even longer than predicted, but eventually, even she shut up and Harry was free to enjoy a job that used all of his talents and forced him to think on his feet. He even developed new friendships with his team, Jensen and her bitchiness notwithstanding.
Perhaps the most surprising development of all was his growing friendship with Snape. The former spy had gone into medical consulting, and used his unique background and brewing skills to treat the cases not even St. Mungo’s could work out. He was damn good at it, too. Harry had first come to him with one case he just couldn’t crack, and when Snape solved that one over a pint and a bit of shy, but friendly conversation, Harry started bringing all his unsolvable mysteries to the man.
Soon, it wasn’t just for the cases, but because he liked talking with Snape. They had a lot in common, and, when Snape wasn’t forced to act like an arsehole, Harry found his sarcasm witty and intelligent rather than cutting. And Snape blossomed under the attention, too. He smiled and laughed more, and his eyes slowly lost that wary, hunted look he had carried most of his life. Harry thrilled in seeing him grow out of his shell and begin to trust again.
Yes, all and all, the move to the Biomagical Department had been a damn good one. Harry was happy.
At least until the day he started the Medusa case.
Harry came in to find a new case file waiting on his desk. Odd. Robards usually sent them through the floo so he could discuss the case particulars with Harry before he briefed his team. Well, perhaps he had just been in a hurry. Harry would ask him later.
He cracked open the case file and was immediately intrigued. And horrified. A middle-aged woman, Sally Penderswitch, had been reported missing just last night by her niece, whose name was withheld. Strange. Then again, perhaps the niece had her reasons for remaining anonymous. Harry had certainly filed his share of anonymous reports to leave his fame out of the equation. For all he knew, it might be the same for her.
Or, she might just have feared for her life. Given the insidiousness of the case, Harry didn’t blame her. Penderswitch had been found the night before, unresponsive, in her bed. He grimaced at the photos from the crime scene aurors. Damn. The woman’s hair had transformed overnight into a nest of small adders. Aggressive adders. The result was not pretty.
“Dear gods.” Sometimes, Harry really wished he could have a drink on the job.
Instead, he looked over the case details and decided this was one he would have to take on himself. The CSA suspected poison but hadn’t been able to find anything specific to indicate it. Granted, the CSA only did a brief sweep of the area and left the in-depth investigation to the team assigned to the case, but they usually were able to find at least a hint of poison on the scene. A discarded phial in the rubbish bin. Traces of poison on the dishes, sink, or in the victim’s blood. Hell, even untraceable potions left hints of their presence behind, if you knew where to look.
The fact that Robards had deemed this a case for Harry’s expertise rather than Ron’s or Hermione’s, yet the CSA hadn’t found evidence to suggest a poisoning, set Harry’s senses on alert. The entire crime scene would need to be handled with extreme caution. The lack of an obvious method of poisoning suggested an alternative means of absorption, such as through the skin or in the air. Too dangerous for rookies.
He shot a memo to Robards letting the man know about his decision and began his usual prep for entering crime scenes with dangerous, unknown potions. He dashed to the showers and shaved all of his hair—even eyebrows and the hair on his head. It would grow back overnight; it always did. He only left his pubic hair as that area didn’t respond well to razors and he warded it thoroughly before every investigation anyway.
Once he had finished, he put on his hazard robes, print-proof boots, dragon hide gloves, and his helmet, but his mask wasn’t with the rest of his things. Odd. Kreacher always set it in the same place when he had finished cleaning it. Maybe it had broken, but Kreacher would surely have told Harry if that was the case.
With a shake of his head, he decided to run by Robards’ office and requisition a new one. Maybe he had misplaced it somewhere after the last case. He couldn’t understand how, but it was possible, he supposed. Robards looked up with a frown as Harry came inside.
“Potter. The Medusa case—I’d thought I’d assigned it to Hermione. It was in your files?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Huh. Does it seem like a potion to you?”
“Well, they didn’t find a method of administration, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t. I’ve never heard of a curse like this.”
“Never heard of a potion like it either.”
Harry shrugged. “I’m already prepped but for my mask, sir. I seem to have misplaced it.”
“Misplaced it? You’ve not misplaced or ruined a single piece of equipment since you started the aurors.”
“Yeah. It’s odd, but it wasn’t with my things. I need a replacement if I’m to investigate.”
“Just a moment.” Robards stood and rummaged through the supply closet. “Well, this is strange. Now I’m out of masks. How on earth…?”
Harry frowned. “There’s not a one?”
“None whatsoever.” Robards sighed. “Well, this once, just use a strong bubblehead charm and get the hell out of dodge if you find anything that suggests an airborne potion. Your core is strong enough to keep out anything, I think.”
Harry hesitated. “You’re sure that’s safe?”
“Not much choice in the matter if we’re to investigate the case before the trail goes cold, Potter. I don’t have any replacements here, and it would take Hermione too long to prep her team. You’re already set to go.”
Though Harry wasn’t sure about it, he nodded and set out for the Penderswitch home.
A thorough investigation turned up no method of administration, which worried Harry. Still, he took all the evidence he could and portkeyed the body into autopsy when he had finished. “Oi, Megan. Got an interesting one for you, but be sure you put on your airborne prep before you drop the shields on her.”
A petite redhead poked her head out of the forensics office. “Sure thing, Mister Po—oh! Sir, where’s your mask?”
Harry shrugged. “That’s the million galleon question, apparently. Robards is out of them too. Not sure what’s going on.”
Megan pushed her glasses up her nose and frowned. “Sir, I… I’m not sure that charm is foolproof. They’re not a hundred percent impermeable. I think you should have yourself checked out, just to be safe.”
Harry grimaced. “Damn. I knew this was a bad idea. Well, be careful, Megan. I’m off to the hospital then.”
“Good luck, sir.”
“Thanks.”
Harry waved her off and doffed his gear, placing them under his usual protective charms so Kreacher wouldn’t be harmed by cleaning them. He stared at the pile with a huff. What on earth had happened to his mask? Well, there was nothing for it. With a sigh, Harry flooed the hospital and went in for a check-up. The fact that his blood came up clear of toxins didn’t relieve him as much as he’d hoped.
Near the end of his shift, the autopsy team called him back into the lab with an… unusual development.
Megan looked distinctly green. “Harry, we have a problem. The snakes on her head weren’t the only alteration.”
Her assistant, Troy, nodded and swallowed several times as if he was trying to keep from vomiting. “Sir, her… the potion seems to interact with any hair of length.”
Harry gave them a bemused look. “Yes…?”
Megan handed him a photo, her cheeks red and her expression twisted in revulsion. Harry took it from her with a frown and nearly gagged at the image displayed. The victim’s crotch had transformed into a nest of adders, too, and her hips and thighs were black with bruising from their fangs.
“Sweet Merlin.”
“Yeah,” said Megan. “Whoever did this is one sick puppy.”
“Obviously. Gods, what a way to die.” With a shudder, he placed the photo with the others the autopsy team had taken and placed the lot in his evidence file—so far, much slimmer than he liked.
“Well, go home and get some rest, Harry,” said Megan. “We’ll compile the tox screen results for you in the morning.”
“Thanks.” Though he wasn’t sure how well he would sleep with the images from that photo burned into his retinas.
Still, somehow, he managed to catch a few hours of sleep. And then came the real circus of horrors.
Harry scratched his arse and tottered to the loo. He had to piss like a racehorse and, despite the fact that he hadn’t slept well, work waited for no man. Half asleep, he checked his appearance briefly in the mirror. Yes, his hair had grown back overnight, as expected. Thank Merlin, too. The bald look did nothing for his features.
Reassured, he dragged his penis out—did it feel slicker than usual?—and positioned himself over the bowl. His bladder emptied somehow, but there was only a slight hissing noise. A hissing that sounded remarkably like laughter.
“I am not sure what you are expecting to happen, human, but my kind do not spit.”
Harry whipped his head towards the sound—downwards—and gaped at the sight of a red, black, and yellow snake peering up at him. How in the hell did a snake get into his trousers? He tried to pull it out, only to feel a sharp pain in his groin and get a series of hacked off hisses in return. For fear of angering the snake further, he reckoned he’d best just drop his pants and try to work out what exactly was going on.
He banished his trousers and pants and stared, disbelieving, at the sight that met his eyes. In the place of his meat and two veg… was a snake and two veg. His penis had become a snake. A female snake by the tone of her voice.
Harry stared down at the foreign appendage in his hand, hanging uselessly over the empty toilet, and brought the house down with his scream.
The snake gave a hissing laugh. “Well, that was a bit melodramatic, don’t you think?”
Harry fainted dead away.
Harry didn’t trust the healers at St. Mungo’s not to go straight to the press, so he rushed into the aurory and dashed to the staff healer’s office, Matilda Thomas—no relation to Dean. The woman let him in with her usual professional air and sat him on the examination table.
“What seems to be the problem, Mister Potter?”
Harry choked. “I… er… the Medusa case. I’ve been… affected.”
“I see.” She brought out a chart and started writing notes. “Affected how?”
“I… er… I don’t have any symptoms of illness, but….” He gulped. “The potion… it turned my prick into a snake.”
She paused and looked at him over the top of her chart. “Do be serious, Mister Potter.”
“I am! It did the same thing to the victim, only she had a load of snakes, and hers were… much more aggressive. Mine is only the one and she doesn’t seem too interested in biting anyone.”
Matilda blinked several times, then set her chart aside. “I see.” From the blank expression on her face, she clearly didn’t.
“Well, just look for yourself, then!” He yanked his trousers down, revealing the snake and his strangely bald bollocks to the healer. “I told you, didn’t I?”
She coughed and placed a pair of spectacles upon her nose. “That is the strangest thing. Have you been able to urinate?”
“Er… yes and no? I tried this morning, and it felt like my bladder emptied, but obviously, nothing came out.”
“I am a snake, not a fountain,” the snake said with a huff.
“Oh!” Matilda jerked back. “It’s alive.”
“Of course it’s alive!” Harry growled. “She’s attached to me.”
“She?”
“My name is Kora, woman,” the snake hissed.
“She says her name is Kora. Now, can you help me or not?”
Matilda visibly gathered her wits. “Of course. It’s likely there is an evacuation spell on your bladder as you can’t be expected to urinate normally. If you have further problems, simply use such a spell in the near future, at least until we can remove her. You have tried banishing it?”
“She threatened to bite my bollocks if I did. I’m not about to risk it. She’s venomous.”
“Ah, well, perhaps a professional touch—”
‘Kora’ whipped out her head so fast, her body blurred. Matilda barely jerked her arm out of the way in time.
“Stay away from me, devil woman! No females will touch my master.”
“Master?” Harry shook himself out of his dumbfounded shock. “Er… are you okay, ma’am?”
“Yes, but… I’m not sure I’m able to treat this, Harry. I think you need someone with more skill.” And by the way she scurried away and towards the back of her office, someone who wasn’t afraid of snakes.
Harry’s shoulders slumped. “Well, thanks anyway.”
With Matilda unable to heal him, Harry had no choice but to report to Robards that he had been affected by the Medusa potion and needed a leave of absence to have it treated. He wasn’t looking forward to the meeting either.
“All right, Potter. I just need to know what happened so I can have a copy for our records and get an idea of what kind of timeframe we’re looking at. So?”
Harry grimaced. “Er… I had a small… reaction to the potion. Nothing major.”
The snake laughed from the confines of Harry’s trousers. It tickled like the devil.
“A small reaction indeed.”
He wished he could punch the little beast without harming himself.
“Potter, what kind of reaction?”
Harry’s cheeks flamed. “Er… it’s just… kind of personal, sir.”
Robards snorted. “Oh, don’t play the blushing virgin now, Potter. I’m well aware you passed that stage years ago.”
Harry grumped, “You and everyone else in the free world.”
“Suck it up. I assure you, I’ve seen and heard everything in my years here. You won’t shock me.”
Harry took a deep breath and hoped it was true. “Well, er, my… penis, sir. It’s been changed into a snake. A living snake.”
Robards stared at him blankly. “A snake?”
“Like the poison, yeah, but only the one, it’s bigger, and it isn’t aggressive.”
“I am not an it,” Kora grumbled in irritation. Harry ignored her.
Robards dropped his pen, eyes wide as two galleons. “A snake. A real, living, breathing snake.”
Kora snorted, or as close to it as a snake could come. “Not very smart, is he, master?”
“Shut it,” Harry hissed out of the corner of his mouth.
Robards looked up at the sound. His lips twitched, then his shoulders, then his entire body spasmed with hysterical laughter. “Oh my gods. Wait, wait. You’re telling me—you’re actually telling me—that you have an actual trouser snake in your pants?”
Harry gasped out through a fire of humiliation, “Gawain! Merlin, come on. This is serious.”
“Of course it is.” Robards tried to stop laughing but failed. “I’ll just need to make a note of it here in your profile. Just… give me a minute.” He snorted, then held up one finger and used the other hand to cover another round of chortles.
“Sir….”
“Right, right. Must be professional about this.” Robards cleared his throat, gave one small chuckle, and picked up his biro again. “Let’s see here. Reason for leave request: Potter’s penis transfigured into a snake.” A wheeze of laughter escaped him. “J-just for the sake of our medical records, what breed of snake is it?”
Harry grimaced. “Coral snake. American breed. It’s venomous, but….”
“But?”
He flushed. “It doesn’t seem interested in biting me.”
“Really? Then who does it want to bite?”
Harry grimaced. “Apparently any woman I bring near her will suffer her wrath. Not that I would want anyone near in this condition, but….”
Robards snorted. “Wait, wait. Your trouser snake is a female?”
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake.” Harry scowled and turned towards the door. “If you can’t take this seriously, then I’m out of here!”
“Wait, Potter.” Robards held a guffaw back by the barest thread. “Okay, okay. Just keep it—pardon me, her—in your pants for a bit while I finish this report, and I’ll let you be on your way.”
Harry shot him a dark glare, and Robards collected himself long enough to finish the paperwork with only a few scattered bursts of chuckles escaping here and there.
“Well, Potter, I think we’re all set here. I’ve written you in for two week’s paid leave as you were….” He covered a snort. “Injured in the line of duty. If you need more time, you’ll need to request it three days prior to your final day of medical leave.”
“Understood. Thank you, sir.”
“Not at all.”
As Harry headed for the door, Robards called, “Oh, and Potter? I do have one more question.” His steel blue eyes glinted with mirth. “Just for the record, does it have both eyes?”
Harry gave the man a two-fingered salute and stormed out of the office to howls of laughter. To add insult to injury, the damned snake laughed along.
Several days of research on potions masters, healers, and curse breakers hadn’t yielded much in the way of results. He had found many who might have been able to help, but between Robards’ and Matilda’s reaction to his snake problem, he didn’t trust any of them not to run straight to the press the moment he left the office.
At the end of the day, he could only think of one man both skilled and trustworthy enough to help him without spreading the story all over the media: Severus Snape. But gods, he would never live it down. Snape was a good man and he definitely had the expertise to heal Harry, but he wouldn’t be able to resist taking the mickey out of him first. Harry wasn’t looking forward to dealing with insults of that calibre while in such a vulnerable position.
And yet, Harry was also sure there was no one more suited to solving his predicament in the entire United Kingdom. His team hadn’t been able to create an antidote for the potion, to be sure, and Harry hadn’t had much luck finding a brew that worked either. Particularly since Kora—who had insisted upon the name—had already made it clear she would bite Harry if he dared try to banish her or remove her in any way that did not leave her intact. And as her fangs tended to rest upon rather… sensitive parts of his anatomy, he thought it best not to test her.
Which left his hands tied. Only someone who had a particular genius with potions and spellcraft might be able to find a way to remove Kora without also removing Harry’s bollocks. And only a medical genius would then be able to restore his missing manhood as well. Which left him, again, with only one option.
Harry groaned and swallowed his pride. If he ever wanted to shag again, he’d have to face the lion in his den. Or rather, the snake.
Merlin help him, he could hear the snark already.
With a sigh, he stood from his desk, pulled on a pair of denims—left conveniently unzipped—and glamoured the snake’s head poking out of his trousers. Anyone who looked his way would only see a pair of zipped denims. Well, one wizard had always been able to see through his glamours, but as said wizard existed only in portrait form in the headmaster’s office at Hogwarts, Harry reckoned he would be safe enough. Kora tended to get mouthy—in more ways than one—if he left her pent up too long, and Harry valued his bollocks. Even if they did look odd without hair.
At least Kora didn’t need to eat while she remained attached to his body. The situation was weird enough without having to watch his ‘trouser snake’ chase rats.
With a shudder, Harry tugged on a tee, his shoes, and a set of open-style outer robes and made his way to Snape’s consulting office in the south of London. Luella, his secretary, took one look at him and waved him on.
“He’s busy with paperwork at the moment. Go on back.”
Harry nodded and made his way to Snape’s office in the back of the consulting firm, his ears on fire and his palms a sweaty mess.
“You are making me too hot, human.”
Harry shot Kora a glare but didn’t deign to reply. As if this entire situation wasn’t her fault. Well, he supposed he should have known better than to enter a crime scene without his mask, but still.
Harry wavered on the man’s doorstep for five minutes before Kora’s laughing finally convinced him to knock.
“About time, Potter. I wondered how long you would stand there before you found your bollocks.”
Harry groaned at the unintentional reminder of his painful situation and stepped inside. “That… well… I have a rather… embarrassing situation, Snape.”
Snape turned, flipped a silky sheet of raven black over his shoulder, and pushed a pair of silver spectacles up his nose. “Indeed. Well, I have seen all manner of troubles in my profession, so….” He paused and gave Harry a once-over. “Dear Merlin, Potter. Is that a snake in your trousers or are you happy to see me?”
Kora spluttered in hysterical laughter. Harry gasped and covered her with his hands.
“You… you can see it?”
Snape raised an eyebrow. “Obviously. Would you like to explain why you have a snake poking out of your fly? Particularly a venomous snake? I should think you would value your genitals far more than such a ploy would indicate, or is this some new Gryffindor version of Russian Roulette? First one to lose their bollocks wins a free case of firewhiskey?”
Kora hissed through chortles and snorts, “I like this human.”
“You would,” Harry snarled at his trouser snake.
Snape’s lips twitched. “I would what, Potter? I assure you, I am not interested in gaining a trouser snake of my own. Mine is in perfect working order.”
Harry groaned into his hands. “Dear gods.”
“There is a snake in his trousers too?” Kora perked up in interest. “I do not smell it. Will you check, master?”
Harry spluttered. “Fuck no, I’m not checking his bloody trousers!”
Snape flushed, but as he turned back to his stack of papers, Harry could have sworn he heard the man mutter, “Pity.”
“Er… what?”
Snape turned back with a stern expression. “Potter, I am a very busy man, so, as amusing as this has been, I would appreciate it if you would kindly remove your pet from your clothing and get to the point.”
Harry grimaced. “That’s just it, Snape. I can’t remove her.”
“I am his trouser snake,” Kora said with a snort.
This time, Harry was sure he caught Snape’s lips twitching.
“What’s so bloody funny?”
Snape looked back up to Harry—had he been staring at the snake?—and raised an eyebrow. “I did not laugh, Potter. But I fail to understand why you cannot remove her. You are a Parselmouth, are you not? Simply ask her to move and there you are.”
“I can’t, Snape, because she’s bloody well attached to me.”
“Well, familiars do tend to develop some affection for their masters—”
“Stop fucking around with me, Snape! I need help, and you’re the only one who can.”
Snape smirked, but didn’t reply.
“Ooh. Master, I think he wants to fuck around with you. His pheromones are responding now.”
Snape shot the snake a dark glare, and Harry suddenly understood.
“Wait, you can hear her?” He looked between Kora and Snape, bemused. “But how? I mean, you weren’t a Parselmouth before, were you?”
Snape hesitated, but at Harry’s sharp glare, gave in. “No. Not until Nagini—whom, if you will recall, housed a fragment of Riddle’s soul at the time—pierced my vocal cords and larynx and infused me with her venom. Between that and receiving a massive dose of magic from the only other Parselmouth on the planet thirty seconds later—magic that both saved my life and created a sort of bond between us—I have inherited the ability since. It comes in quite handy sometimes. Such as now.”
Harry groaned. “Then you heard her just now.”
“She is a rather saucy little serpent, isn’t she?”
“Too saucy.” Harry rubbed the back of his neck. “Well—wait.” He fixed Snape with a wide-eyed look. “Did you—is she…?”
“Ah, and it finally catches up to you.”
Kora burst into snickers. “You are amusing, human. Almost as amusing as my master. If you wish to join with him and make a nest, I will not interfere.”
“Kora!”
Snape’s lips twitched in mirth. “Somehow, Kora, was it? I think your master is not as… shall we say… open to the idea.”
“Bloody hell.” Harry sank into the nearest chair and laid his head in his hands. “Not only do I have a fucking matchmaking snake for a penis who hates women but is apparently just fine with my former professor and a bloke, for Merlin’s sake, but said professor is coming on to me. I need a drink.”
Snape summoned a teapot and cups, but paused mid-pour. “Did you say you have a snake for a penis?”
“You heard me.”
Snape stared at him, eyes wide with shock, then fell into his seat, still holding the teapot.
Harry snapped, “Well, I reckon that put you right off of wanting to shag me then?”
“Your penis—or the lack thereof—will hardly stop a top, but….” Snape set the teapot aside, dropped his head into his hands, and gave a muffled snort. His shoulders twitched, then his face, and then the man threw his head back and burst into full-on laughter. If it hadn’t been at Harry’s expense, he might have been intrigued by the sight of him.
Well, he did look nice when he laughed, Harry supposed, but—fuck, what was he even thinking?
“Your pheromones are rising, master,” said Kora in a sing-song voice, and Harry wanted to smother the little demon.
Snape came out of his laughing fit with tears rolling down his face, residual chuckles still shaking his frame. “Dear gods, I’ve not laughed like that in twenty years. Thank you, Potter.”
“You’re fucking welcome,” Harry snarled.
The man wiped his eyes and fixed Harry with a feral grin. “Well, if I’m to treat you, I’ll need to examine you. Onto the table, Potter.”
Harry gulped. “Er… given what I know… I’m not so sure that’s a great idea.”
Snape shrugged. “Feel free to go to one of the other world-renowned potions masters with a background in treating unusual medical maladies and the ability to speak to snakes, then.”
Harry looked to the door, then back to Snape, and gave in with a sigh. “There are no others, and you know it.”
“Exactly. Are you going to panic yourself into a coma, or would you rather have your penis back sometime within the next year or so?”
Harry swallowed hard. “Just… don’t—no touching.”
“I can hardly examine you without touching you, Potter.”
“K-keep it professional, then.”
Snape’s eyes gleamed. “Are you sure you want me to?”
Harry couldn’t hold back a thrum of excitement in spite of himself. What the hell? He hadn’t ever been attracted to men before, had he?
An image of the half-blood prince’s writing flickered into his mind, and Harry flushed to his ears. That was just an adolescent fancy. It meant nothing. Right?
“I think Master is not as sure as he thinks he is,” said Kora with a snicker.
“Gods damn it!”
“Speaking Parseltongue is quite a valuable ability at times,” said Snape with a predatory smirk, “particularly when it will not allow you to hide from yourself any longer.”
Harry gulped and backed away. “Um… maybe having a trouser snake—damn it!—a snake penis isn’t so bad. I’ll just go—oh shite.”
Snape had locked the door. And somehow, Harry doubted a simple Alohamora would work.
Harry turned to berate him and found the man directly behind him, light glinting on his lenses, post-war teeth white and gleaming and set in a devilish grin. “I will do nothing to you that you do not want, Potter.”
“I want you to back away.”
“Do you?” Snape looked to his snake, who shook her head slowly back and forth. “So I thought. Like I said, I will do nothing that you do not want, but neither will I take your word for it, as you have proven in abundance that your word, in this area, is not to be trusted.”
Harry pressed back against the wall. “S-so you’re going to listen to the snake in my trousers instead of me? I… I’m—shite.” His heart leapt into his throat and chills ran down his spine. Not the good kind, either. He had no control here. If that horrid snake really had a thing for Snape, Harry might end up raped before the night was through.
“He is frightened, human,” Kora said in a sharp tone. “One step closer, and I bite.”
Harry gave the snake a grateful look, then gaped at himself. Since when had he wanted to thank the little pest for anything?
Snape’s expression softened. He held his hands up in surrender and backed up a pace or two. “Harry. I am not a rapist. I will not hurt you. Do you truly want to leave?”
With a little distance between them, Harry could think clearer. He took stock of the strange set of emotions coursing through his blood. Fear, of course. Who wouldn’t be afraid in such a situation? A low thrum of desire. So he did fancy the man then. Or at least one part of him did. Affection—when had that developed? Must have been those long nights they spent at the pub talking over odd cases and searching out solutions together. And overall, trust. Snape had spent the better part of thirty years protecting Harry, even when he had hated him. How could Harry think the man would do less now when it seemed he had developed a fancy for him, somewhere along the way?
Harry swallowed hard and crossed his arms over his chest, taking in a shaky breath. “I can’t leave. I need your help.”
Snape nodded and moved back. “Climb on the table then. And I give you my word that nothing beyond the professional will happen within this office. Not between the two of us, at least. I cannot make the same promise for the little beast in your trousers. It is quite clear she has a mind of her own.”
Harry snorted, his tension abating at the joke. “Yeah. Yeah, she does at that.” He peeled himself from the wall and rubbed the back of his neck. “Snape? Just… tell me one thing before I do this. Is this purely a physical thing for you? Are you just in it for a quick shag, or are you hoping for something more?”
Sorrow flickered in Severus’ eyes, though he masked it quickly. Gods. It had taken the better part of seven years to take the hollow, haunted look from Snape’s eyes and the gauntness from his frame, but since then, he had begun to smile and laugh again. He had even begun to take pride in his appearance and started correcting the toll years of stress and trauma had taken out of his looks.
It had been a long time since Harry had seen this particular expression on Snape’s face, and he didn’t like it.
“I am a possessive man, Potter. I do not do one-offs.” Snape turned away and patted the table. “Up you go. I shall not molest you, you have my word on that.”
Harry nodded, mind reeling at Snape’s tacit confession. The man loved him, or at least cared for him. And, unlike every woman Harry had ever tried—and failed—to sustain a decent relationship with, he knew he could trust Severus not to go blabbing to his friends about what they did in the bedroom. Or worse, to the Prophet.
Was it worth it, though? Clearly, Snape’s heart was already invested in this. Harry didn’t want to hurt him. Could he be the kind of partner Snape needed when he had never before been interested in men? He remembered the Prince again and frowned. He hadn’t been interested in men before today, right?
Kora bobbed and weaved through the air until her eyes peered into his own. Gods, that was unnerving. “I think Master is lying to himself again. You smell of denial.”
Harry’s face burned. “Traitor.” With a huff, he dropped his trousers and pants, banished his shoes, and clambered onto the examination table.
Snape closed his gaping mouth with a click. “A bit of warning next time would not go amiss, Potter.”
“Well you just bloody well asked me to get onto the table so you can examine my not-so-prickly-prick. What did you expect?”
“Not for a gun-shy, mostly-straight man who knows of my… interest to strip directly in front of me!”
Harry smirked. “Like what you see then?”
Severus gave him a dark look. “I would most likely enjoy it more were there not a deadly snake where your cock should be.”
Harry glared back. “Well, you’re the one who said you wanted me. Is that going to put you off, then? Kora’s already given you her blessing. Going to change your mind now you’ve seen the merchandise—or what I have left of it?”
Fire and the light of challenge glowed in Snape’s eyes. He pressed forward so he stood between Harry’s legs and placed his hands on either side of the man’s thighs, pinning him in. “I was operating under the impression that you wanted me to, as you say, change my mind. Am I incorrect in that assumption?”
Harry swallowed hard. “You said nothing unprofessional.”
“And I have not touched you. Well? You challenged me, Potter. Answer me.”
“Fuck.”
Snape’s dominance sent a sharp thrill of pleasure through the younger man. Oh. Oh. That was what had been missing from his relationships before. Strength. Power. Control. Harry needed to know his partner was strong enough to handle him. And until now, he had never met his match.
“You are most definitely incorrect,” said Kora with a snakish smirk. “If I was a real trouser snake, I would be pointing up now.”
Harry gasped out, “Kora!”
Snape smirked. “As I said, Potter, she will not allow you to lie to yourself.”
Harry pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. “If you’re going to be coming on to me, don’t you think you should call me Harry?”
“Very well, Harry.” Snape said Harry’s name in a low, dangerous sort of purr that coiled Harry’s insides and curled his toes. “And if you are going to accept my interest, then don’t you think you might begin by returning the favour?”
Harry gulped. This was it. Snape was asking him, in a roundabout way, if Harry wanted this. And Kora couldn’t speak for him this time. Perhaps that was why Snape had phrased it the way he had done, to give Harry a real choice. One the snake could not muck up.
Kora stared at him, tongue flickering in and out of her mouth. “I smell it, you know. You are being an idiot.”
He shot her a dirty look, but… maybe she had a point. Snape’s possessive dominance had thrilled Harry like he hadn’t felt in years. Or maybe ever, if he was honest with himself.
He still didn’t know if he was gay or even bi. He didn’t know if he liked men much when none but one had ever stirred his interest. But for this man, he had made an exception long ago. His body hadn’t forgotten it, and nor had his heart, even if he had tried to pretend his fancy had never been a fancy at all.
Harry took a deep breath. In for a penny, in for a pound.
“Yeah, Severus, I reckon I should.”
Snape’s—Severus’—nostrils flared and his pupils dilated. “We shall speak later.”
Harry nodded, caught by the pure power radiating from the man. And desire. Fuck. Even he smelled it. Musk, heat, sparks in the air. ‘I want you.’
Harry rallied his courage, curled his fingers in Severus’ collar, and pulled him down to his face, stopping a breath short of kissing the man. Maybe he needed Severus to dominate, but fuck all if he would make it easy. Severus liked a challenge, and Harry lived to challenge him.
“Can you wait that long?”
Severus’ eyes darkened and his breath rushed fast and hot against Harry’s mouth. The feel of it brushing his tongue sent tendrils of desire flickering through him, almost as if Severus was kissing him already.
“You will find, Harry, that I can be a very patient man. I wonder, my impulsive little Gryffindor, if you can match me?”
The edge of threat in his tone set Harry quivering. Merlin. Why had he waited so long to try this again? Right. That little thread of denial and the fear of being a freak.
Someone really ought to turn Vernon Dursley’s penis into a snake. See how much the piece of shite liked that. Maybe Severus would do it if Harry asked him to.
“I don’t know,” Harry said, “but I can damn well try.”
Severus leaned back with a dark smile. “I am looking forward to it. For now, let us see what we are dealing with medically, pet.”
Harry’s heart thumped at the name. Pet. Someone Severus wanted to protect and cherish. And probably order around a bit, but Harry was finding he didn’t mind it if it was Severus giving the orders. There would most certainly be ample compensation for obeisance with him.
“Yeah, all right.”
“Lie back and lift up your shirt enough for me to see your groin.”
Harry obeyed, his face flushed and heart thundering. Severus leaned over him, peering at what the spell had left of his genitalia.
“Harry.” The sound came out breathless and tight. “Do you normally….” Severus’ throat bobbed, causing the sharp office light to glint on the silvery scars across its bump. “Remove your pubic hair?”
Harry’s fingers curled around the paper sheet below him. Somehow, he had the idea that he was about to receive his first directive from his new dominant.
“Er… no. Not usually. The potion did that.”
Severus took in a sharp breath. “Keep doing it.”
Harry grimaced. “Severus, I really don’t want a razor around my bollocks.”
“There is a spell, pet. A painless, risk-free spell that also protects your skin and prevents itching.”
Harry’s face burned, but he gave Severus a tentative nod. “I… I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to try it. Not that I’ve a choice as long as the potion is active. It reacts with the victim’s hair.”
Severus’ eyes flicked to the longish mop atop Harry’s head. “Why do you not have a head full of snakes, then?”
“The first victim did. We’ve named it the Medusa potion in her honour. As for me, every time I investigate a dangerous crime scene with an unknown potion, I shave every hair on my body as a precaution against cross-contamination and injury, save only my eyelashes and pubic hair. I can’t safely remove my eyelashes, and I leave my pubic area and bum alone as I have special wards I use there, but whatever potion this is, it’s airborne. I had misplaced my mask that day and used a specialised bubblehead charm instead, but as they’re not impermeable, some of the potion still managed to get into my system. This is the result.”
Severus frowned at Harry’s crotch. “So you had a full pubic growth here and received only one snake?”
“Well, we think that’s because of the wards I set. The first victim died a gruesome death. Her pubic hair and the hair on her head had all changed to snakes—hundreds of small adders. They were aggressive, too. The result was not pretty.”
Severus shuddered. “Dear gods. You were extremely fortunate to have only gained Kora out of this, Harry. It might have been so much worse.”
Harry gave him a grim nod. “I know.”
“You are not to investigate a crime scene again without your gear—every last piece of it—and I am going to research wards to increase your protection as soon as we are finished tonight.”
“Er… don’t we have something to discuss afterwards?” Harry’s cheeks flamed, but he didn’t back down.
Severus fixed him with a dark gaze that turned Harry’s insides molten. “I said after we are finished. I did not say after the examination.”
“Oh,” Harry said, breathless. “That’s all right, then.”
“I am glad to have met with your approval.” Severus smirked at Kora’s snicker. “Now, I will need to palpate the area around Kora and all places affected by the potion to check for anomalies. Are you willing?”
Harry swallowed through his suddenly dry throat. “Severus, this… it goes all the way back. Every hair on that area vanished and morphed into Kora. Including….”
“The hair leading to your anus?”
Harry’s breath hitched. “Y-yeah.”
“I will be gentle, Harry. Do you consent to a manual examination?”
“Bloody hell, yes.” Harry coughed and covered his face. “Sorry.”
“Do not apologise,” Severus murmured, his voice slightly breathless. “I feel it, too.”
“Understatement,” Kora grumbled. “You two are choking me in pheromones.”
“Wait until later,” Severus said in a voice full of dark promise, and Harry thought he had turned into goo.
“Try to be still, Harry.”
Severus cast a spell on his hands, then warm, gentle fingertips touched the ring of slick, sensitive skin surrounding Kora’s exit point. Harry gasped at a shock of lightning through his veins and struggled not to arch into the man’s touch. Severus leaned over Harry, close to Kora, and frowned.
“If I did not know any better….” Severus gave Harry a searching look. “Harry, I am going to touch you at the top of this area here. I want you to let me know if you feel… if it feels good inside. I have a suspicion, and this will confirm or deny it.”
“It feels good already,” Harry panted.
“Perhaps, but if this is what I think it is, it will be more intense. Much more intense.”
Harry couldn’t hold back a breathless whimper. “Oh. Then… yeah. Go ahead.”
Severus’ eyes flashed with desire. “As you wish, pet.”
He trailed his fingertip around the rim of skin surrounding Kora, heading towards the small bump at the top. Harry braced himself as the man hit home, but nothing could have prepared him for the white-hot lance of sensation Severus’ fingertip shot through his core.
“Oh gods!” Harry mewled and rocked into Severus’ touch, all thought gone save one—more. Gods help him, he needed more.
Severus’ voice came out ragged. “It is more intense, then?”
“Fuck. Don’t stop.”
Severus’ lips parted and his breath shuddered. Another slow stroke had Harry crying out and following his fingertip.
“I gave you my word,” Severus almost whimpered and dragged his hand away.
“No,” Harry whined. “I want it. Please.”
“After,” Severus gasped out. “After, I swear, you shall have it. But not yet. Not here.”
“The two of you stink like dung,” said an unamused Kora. “And I am wet now.”
Her comment doused Harry in ice water and killed his desire. Ugh. He had forgotten, for an instant, that they had an audience.
“Yes, I believe I know why, too,” said Severus with a wry smile. “Harry, Kora, I need to attempt to press into the cavity around Kora. I will only use one finger, and it shall, I hope, not be painful to either of you, but I cannot guarantee it. If it hurts, please let me know and I shall stop immediately.”
Kora eyed him. “If you do not, I will bite you.”
“Understood,” said Severus with a nod. “Are you ready, Harry?”
Harry struggled to gather his wits. “Er… wait, wait. There’s a cavity? I assumed we were, you know, attached. I couldn’t pull her out when I tried before.”
“There may be a merging of your bodies further on—in fact, I suspect one—but if my suspicions are correct, the connection is quite a bit deeper inside you than you have previously assumed and not one I can reach manually. And yes, from all I can see, there is an opening here.”
“Oh. Well, go for it then, I suppose, but be careful.”
“I promise.”
Severus whispered another spell against his index finger, leaving it shiny with something. Lubricant, Harry suspected, and had it confirmed when Severus’ slick, cool fingertip slipped inside his body with little resistance. Kora squirmed out of the way, but did not complain of pain, and Harry could only press into Severus’ finger in search of more. Gods, it felt good. Strange, but good. And Kora’s squirming was not helping the situation despite the strangeness.
“Kora, be still,” Harry gasped.
Severus stroked inside and against the cavity wall, and Harry couldn’t hold back a low moan.
“Sev, damn it, you’re killing me here.”
Severus removed his fingertip. “I will continue the examination quickly, pet. Spread your legs for me.”
“Gods.”
Harry flopped his head back onto the table and obeyed, whimpering as Severus altered the surface to lift Harry’s hips and put his arsehole and bollocks on display. Severus moved to stand between Harry’s knees and gazed at him, making Harry quiver with anticipation and want.
“Lovely,” Severus said in a rough voice. “Absolutely exquisite.”
Harry threw his head back and gasped out, “Not helping.”
“Ah, right. We shall start at the top and move down.” Harry had no other warning before Severus’ fingertips found the top of his bollocks and massaged the sensitive skin. He released a whine and moved with his touch, trying to angle himself to get Severus in the right spot, but Severus denied him. He massaged Harry’s bollocks in a strict order, rubbing a devastating line of pure pleasure from left to right, then right to left, in slow circles. Each line dropped lower, so the man touched every millimetre of Harry’s skin and left him pleading for mercy.
He whimpered as that firm touch finally reached the curve of his bollocks and sent shocks of pleasure through him with each stroke, then cried out as Severus hefted his entire sac in his palm. Severus squeezed, just enough to make Harry shudder and cry out. A thumbstroke down the line between his bollocks made him thrash, too.
“Please,” Harry sobbed.
“Gods, pet.” Severus trailed his fingertips behind Harry’s bollocks, pressing in deep, and Harry whined with pleasure. “Watching you like this is torture. I swear, I am trying to only touch you in a medical capacity, but you are making it exceedingly difficult to keep my word.”
“Don’t want you to,” Harry said, voice thick. “Want you—feel you—need you. Need it. Ah.”
Severus’ fingertips brushed Harry’s prostate through his perineum, and Harry gave a shocked cry. “Oh fuck.”
He spread his legs further and pressed his weight into those wicked fingers, crying out in ecstasy. His arms flew above his head and grabbed the edge of the table, and Severus failed to smother a low moan.
“Merlin help me, but you are positively edible like that.”
Harry rasped out, “You want me to give in? To bind me to your headboard and have your way with me?”
“Harry.” Severus’ voice carried a note of warning. “Do not tempt me.”
“Want you to tie me up. Claim me. Make me you—”
Something cool and dry wrapped around his mouth and chin. Harry touched it and gave a muffled moan. Cloth. Severus had gagged him. And by the look in his eyes, it would soon drive the man spare.
“Gods damn. I had better… finish this now.”
Harry wriggled his bum in invitation, curious, and Severus choked back a moan.
“Harry. Gods, you are so… so… ghn, can’t bear it.” Severus panted harshly as he jerked his fingers away and incanted the lubrication spell against two of them. Harry whimpered and spread himself as wide as he could. He didn’t know how it would feel to be penetrated, but if it was anything like everything else Severus had done, he wanted to find out.
Severus’ fingertip massaged every millimetre of Harry’s opening, and Harry thrashed in fiery pleasure and desperate want.
“Inside me!”
The gag muffled his words, but Severus had to know what he wanted. Instead, those wicked fingers dipped down a little lower, first exploring the top of his cleft, and Harry whined, wanting them back where they felt the best.
“Relax, pet,” Severus gasped out, and a firm fingertip pressed against Harry’s opening. “Do not tense. I will not harm you.”
Severus’ slick, warm finger slid inside Harry to the first knuckle, and Harry whimpered. It felt odd, not quite as good as it had when Severus slipped in the cavity around Kora, but still pleasurable.
“Fuck,” Severus panted. “You feel divine.”
Harry moaned and pressed down on his hand, and Severus’ finger slid all the way inside. He rubbed against Harry’s inner walls and pressed in and out a few times, his face flushed and his lips parted for his rapid breathing, then a second finger joined the first. Slowly, Severus mapped every millimetre he could reach inside Harry, too, and Harry rocked into his fingers, hot, sweaty, and begging for more behind his gag.
Severus murmured, “Brace yourself,” and crooked both fingertips forwards. Harry keened at a sharp wave of fire and need, and wailed at a second stroke. He pressed back once more, knowing a third might send him over the edge into bliss, but Severus had withdrawn his hand and moved across the room. The man leaned against the opposite wall, fists against the stone and head hanging low, his entire body heaving with his laboured breathing.
Harry called to him, but only managed a muffled moan.
“The… manual examination is over,” Severus gasped out. “I have to… control myself to finish this. I need a moment.”
Harry pouted, but knowing Severus had to do his job before he could have what he wanted, he closed his legs and thought cold thoughts. Once upon a time, a naked Severus would have ranked among those most likely to kill his desire, but now the mere idea set him panting. He banished those images and thought of Robards in the same position, and his desire limped away.
“Well,” said a revolted Kora, “it is about time the two of you remembered that you are not the only two in the room.”
Severus gave a breathless laugh. “My apologies, Kora.” A tingling spell washed over Harry’s insides, leaving him cool and clean. Kora sighed and wriggled in her cavern.
“Much better.”
“Good.” Severus came to sit beside Harry and covered his legs and bum with a sheet. “Now, we shall begin a magical internal exam. Try to stay still, Harry.”
“Yes, sir.”
Severus took in a sharp breath. “Sweet Merlin, you are a fast learner.”
“Mm, just came out by accident.”
“Liar,” Kora snarked.
Harry grinned. “Good to know I can annoy you as easily as you have annoyed me these past three weeks.”
Kora harrumphed and coiled upon Harry’s bare groin. “I am going to take a nap.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it.”
She ignored him.
Severus slipped a gentle hand over Harry’s belly and moved it back and forth. With his touch, an image appeared above them—strange shapes and colours Harry couldn’t make out. It looked a bit like a Muggle sonogram or MRI. Severus kept this up for a while, then slowly moved his hand downwards and over Harry’s altered genitalia, though his touch was light and brief and did not spark the same fire within Harry as he had done before.
“All right, Harry.” Severus moved his hand away and set both in his lap. “I am going to dress you now.”
“Yes, sir.”
Severus shivered and spelled Harry’s pants, denims, and trainers back onto his body. “Now, I’ve finished your exam and have come to a diagnosis. There is good news, potentially bad news, and shocking news. Actually, it is probably all shocking.”
“More so than having a literal trouser snake?”
Severus snorted. “Perhaps. Which would you like first?”
“Er… the good news?”
“The good news is that you and Kora will not be one entity forever. She has three more days of gestation, and then you will… separate naturally.”
“Oh. Wait, gestation? I’m… pregnant with my own prick, which happens to be a snake?”
Kora snickered. Harry knew she hadn’t been sleeping, little prat.
“Not quite.” Severus tapped a fingertip on his jaw. “For lack of a better word, you are… incubating her. She is nearly mature, and will be ready to leave your body on the next new moon, which, as I said, is in three days. It is then that I shall help to separate you and make Kora her own entity.”
“Three days is too long to wait,” said a grumpy Kora. “Especially if you are going to fertilise master now.”
Harry choked. “Kora. I’m a bloke. We don’t fertilise each other.”
“No, Harry. That is the shocking news. Part of it.” Severus laid a gentle hand over Harry’s stomach once more. “You are partially right—males cannot carry young. And yet, you are carrying one. In a sense, though it is certainly a strange pregnancy and Kora carries none of your genes.”
Harry gulped. “Severus, what are you saying?”
Severus closed his eyes. “I am saying that the combination of the potion, your wards, and the unique serpentine nature of your magic caused a strange alteration of your body—beyond the obvious. You are no longer strictly male, Harry.”
“But… just because my penis is missing, that doesn’t mean—”
“That is not what I meant. This… the cavity around Kora? It is a vagina. The bump I touched that set you alight is your clitoris. And Kora is currently attached to your womb via an umbilical cord. You are intersex, Harry. You have male parts and female parts.”
Harry panted, hyperventilating. Intersex? “But… you can fix it, can’t you?”
“I can, but it will take a month, perhaps longer.”
“A month? Why so long? Your other antidotes only took a few days.”
“Harry, my other antidotes had only a potion to work against, or in the worst case scenario, a potion and a spell. This….” He brushed a hand across the top of Harry’s groin. “This is more complex.”
“I don’t understand. It is just a potion, isn’t it?”
“Harry, love, no. Not hardly. If you had not warded yourself before you entered the crime scene and were not a Parselmouth, it would have been a potion. And if the snakes did not kill you first, I might have been able to reverse it with an antidote. But this strange occurrence is the result of an amalgam of unique conditions that will take time to safely map out and reverse. I must study your altered anatomy and the cause of it before I am able to safely reverse the condition.”
Harry slammed his head back on the table with a groan. “So I’m stuck as… half a man for a month or longer? A freak?”
Severus cupped Harry’s face and kissed his forehead. “You are not a freak. You are lovely.”
“How can you say that? I’m not—it’s strange.”
“To me, it is the best of both worlds. I am able to enjoy your body as a male and as a female, and both together. I am content.”
Harry gave him a hesitant smile. “You’re sure?”
“I am.”
Harry blew out a soft breath. “Well, then I guess it’s all right. No one else has to know what happened as long as you’re not turned off by it.”
Severus nodded. “Unless it relates to your murder case, I think not. Yours is a special case, but it may be that treating you opens the door to answers on your other victim. I shall not speak of it to anyone, however. It is your choice to reveal or to keep to yourself.”
Harry groaned again. “With my luck, they’ll all bloody know before the end of the week.”
“Do not trouble yourself, pet. There are worse things to be than both genders.”
“You mean like pregnant with my prick, who happens to be a snake, when I’m bloody male? Or was.”
Severus chuckled. “Yes, precisely.”
Kora eyed Severus. “I shall show you worse soon.”
Severus ignored her. “I shall begin research tonight, and preparations for Kora’s… birth. So to speak. With any luck, you shall be your normal, lovely self before long.”
“I thought you said….”
Severus grimaced. “I cannot do it to Kora, Harry. Not until she is out of your body. It is not fair to her. And her presence is… awkward, to say the least.”
“At least one of you has their priorities straight,” Kora muttered.
Harry pouted, but had to concede to Severus’ sense. It was only three days, after all. And the knowledge that he was pregnant with Kora rather than her being an extension of his own body put him off the idea, too.
“Right. So what’s our plan, then?”
“As I said, I will take samples of your blood and… other fluids today and begin testing on them tonight, as well as prepare my estate for you and the birth. You will spend the duration of the testing and treatment phase under close observation at my estate, where I can ensure that the final days of your… pregnancy go smoothly and that there are no complications with either the birth or your treatment.” He gave Harry a warm smile. “I suggest we take that time to get to know each other as partners and test the waters, so to speak.”
Just to be contrary and challenge Severus, Harry said, “And if I would rather spend my time with you at my flat?”
“I would simply haul you kicking and screaming to my home instead and keep you bound to the bedpost for the entire duration of your stay.”
Harry’s breath hitched. “Merlin. Promise?”
Severus chuckled darkly. “Later, Harry. I wish you to stay at my home because I have the proper medical equipment on hand to treat you if there are complications. We cannot risk calling in an outsider for this.”
“It would be pasted all over the Prophet before we could say ‘scandal.’ Damn.” Harry sighed and sat up. “I’ll go pack my things.”
“Please do, but before you go….” Severus wrapped one arm around Harry’s waist and slid the other hand into his hair. “I may be your dominant, but I will never touch you without consent. May I kiss you, pet?”
Harry’s heart thrummed. “Oh. Merlin, yeah. Any time you want.”
“Brilliant.” Severus leaned in, and Harry gasped at the first sweet brush of his lips.
“Oh,” Harry whispered and returned Severus’ kisses.
A low rumble of pleasure vibrated Severus’ throat, and Harry melted into his arms. Gods. It felt so good. Fiery and soft at once, and when Severus’ tongue came out to play, he thought he might die. With a whimper, he clutched Severus’ long, silky hair and welcomed him inside. Yes. Merlin, yes. He wanted more. Needed more. He—
Kora cried, “You are getting me all slimy again!”
Harry pulled back with a gasp, ears flaming, chest tight with embarrassment.
Severus caressed his cheek. “Do not be ashamed of your body, love. We shall simply have to take things slowly until it is your own again.”
“Three days, right?”
“Three days.”
“Right. I can do that.” Maybe.
“Liar,” Kora griped.
Harry left the office laughing helplessly. Gods, what a strange day this had been. He remembered Severus’ touch, inside and out, and smiled. Strange, yes, but good.
“Master! Stop drowning me.”
Harry choked and vowed not to think further on Severus’ exquisitely talented fingers until this wretched snake was on her own again.
“You started it, you know.”
“How was I to know that humans fertilise their eggs in such strange ways?”
“You’re one to talk,” Harry muttered, but stopped when he caught Luella staring at him with a bemused expression.
“Er… practising my lines for a community play. Sorry about that.”
She nodded, but looked unconvinced, and Harry reckoned he’d best stop talking to his ‘prick’ until he was safely behind closed doors.
That night, Harry arrived at Severus’ home with an overnight bag slung over one shoulder, a nervous tic in one hand, and a curious snake poking through the hole in his fly, her head swivelling about as she took in the expansive grounds.
“I wish to hunt here, master.”
“When you grow up, dear.”
Kora shot him what could only be described as an annoyed look. “I like you better when you are embarrassed.”
“You would.”
Harry had reached the door. He gulped and gathered his courage. This was it. No going back now. He smoothed down his trousers—not that it would do much good. For Merlin’s sake, he had a bloody snake hanging out of his fly. No amount of fussing would make him look any less ridiculous.
With that resigned thought in mind, Harry went to knock, but he lifted the hand with the tic, and instead only managed a pathetic sort of scraping noise as his knuckles jerked down the wood.
“Smooth,” Kora teased.
Harry’s ears burned. “Shut it or I’ll ground you.”
“I do have weapons of my own, you know.”
At the stark reminder, Harry reckoned he had best stop antagonising the little beast before she killed him. Severus would only bring him back and kill him again. Slowly.
This time, he rapped with the other hand, though he paused at the sight of an iron knocker inches from his hand. A knocker in the shape of a coiled snake. Go figure.
“He has good taste, master.”
“I wonder how snake tastes,” Harry muttered mutinously.
Kora bared her fangs. “I dare you to find out.”
Harry glared at her. “You know, if you kill me, you die too.”
“Not so. I will simply cut the cord as well and enjoy three extra days of freedom.”
Harry opened his mouth to reply, but Severus opened the door at the same time and caught him glaring at his own crotch.
“I take it your trouser snake is misbehaving?”
Harry groaned and followed the man into the house. “Between the two of you, if I don’t die of embarrassment before I hit forty, it will be a bloody miracle.”
“Dying is not part of your contract, Harry. I don’t recommend you try it.”
“Contract?”
Severus shot a dark smile over his shoulder. “Not until our little one is born, pet.”
Kora snickered.
“Oh gods,” Harry muttered into his hands. “I must have been mad to agree to this.”
“It has its compensations.” Severus laughed softly and wrapped an arm around Harry’s waist. “Come now. Buck up.” He kissed Harry’s temple and made him blush for an entirely different reason. “I am glad you came, love. I had started to fear you had changed your mind.”
“After earlier? Merlin, Severus, I’m still humming.”
Severus’ gaze turned predatory. “Good. I think I shall leave you in that state from now on.”
“Please don’t,” said Harry and Kora at once.
Severus laughed and led Harry into a grand hall with tastefully elegant furniture and… an acoustic guitar in the corner. Harry cocked his head at the instrument.
“You play?”
“No, the concubines use it to keep the master of the house entertained.”
Harry shot him an unamused glare. “It was rhetorical, thank you very much.”
“Liar,” Kora said through snickers.
“Traitor. To think I carried you in my… something for two weeks.”
“Your something indeed,” Severus said with a snort. “I assume by stating the obvious earlier, you wished to hear me play?”
“No,” said Harry in a sardonic tone, “I was just testing the echo in here.”
“Touché.”
Severus went to the guitar and sat on the chair behind it. He plucked at the strings for a moment, testing gods knows what, then settled into a rendition of “Smoke on the Water.” Harry was mildly impressed, but wagered he could probably pick such a simple song up himself after a few weeks of practise.
“Very nice,” he said when Severus stopped playing a few bars through.
Severus snorted. “That, pet, was just a warm up.”
“Oh?” Harry smirked. “Then let me hear what you can really do. Burn up the strings.”
Severus took a second to gather his thoughts and concentration, then transfigured his guitar into an electric and turned up his amp. “Well, you asked for it.” He let loose, and Harry’s jaw nearly came unhinged.
“Holy shite!”
The man had started into a song so intricate and fast, Harry could barely follow his fingers, and he had been a bloody seeker.
“Fucking hell, Severus.”
Severus laughed and put the guitar aside. He was a bit flushed and breathless, but damn. After that display, Harry didn’t blame him.
“What on earth was that?”
“Dragonforce. They are virtuosos of the power metal world. You should listen to them some time.”
“I think I’d rather just listen to you, thanks.”
Severus chuckled and wrapped an arm around Harry’s shoulder again. “Thank you. I do not usually play such… fierce music, but you did tell me to set the strings on fire.”
“What do you usually play?”
“Spanish style.”
Harry sucked in a sharp breath. “Get back there and play it. Now.”
Severus gave him an amused look. “I take it you like that?”
“That’s the fucking sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Kora grumped, “Then stay away from the strange stringed box, master’s master.”
“Your child has spoken,” said Severus with a laugh.
Both snake and human glared at him.
“That beast is no offspring of mine.”
“I agree,” said Kora. “He is too stupid.”
“Oi!”
Severus laughed and led Harry into the dining hall, just past the living area. The table was large enough to seat eight, but only one place looked at all used. Severus had set the head of the table and a place beside it with bowls of stew, French bread, and fruit and cream for dessert.
“Oh hell. That looks lovely, Sev. Thank you.”
Severus stroked Harry’s hair. “And since you are so delicious, I may let you eat it.”
“Don’t tease. I didn’t eat because you said you’d have it ready.”
“And you are over an hour late.”
Harry winced. “Merlin. I’m sorry, love. I had to clear the rest of my leave of absence with Robards and he spent a good half hour ribbing me. Then I had to check the team’s progress on the murder case.” He shook his head wryly. “I could use your expertise on this one.”
Severus’ annoyance at Harry’s tardiness had morphed into a soft smile.
“What?”
A gentle kiss brushed his forehead. “For that, you may even have seconds.”
Harry gaped. “Er… thank you, I think, but what did I do?”
Kora snickered. “You really are stupid, master.”
“Not helpful!”
Severus whispered in Harry’s ear, “I have never been anyone’s love before. That your lips are the first to utter it… I am happy.”
Harry blushed and opened his mouth to speak, but Kora cut him off.
“Master, you are about to prove me right in a particularly annoying way. I am growing. I need food. Shut up before you say something stupid and your master cuts us both off.”
“Oh, shut it,” Harry grumbled.
Severus snorted into his hands. “Well, Harry, I’ve heard of being led around by your prick, but—”
Harry grimaced. “Don’t say it.”
“But I must say, this takes that expression to an entirely new level.” Severus motioned to the seat next to his own, and Harry settled into it with a glare at his crotch.
“The sooner you’re out of there, the better.”
“Shut up and eat your soup before I do.”
Harry shuddered and obeyed for fear she might stick to her threat. No way in hell was he sharing his dinner with her. Dear gods, the mere thought would put him off his food for weeks.
He shovelled in a few bites to stop her acting on her threat, but paused after he got a taste of it. Merlin.
“Severus, what kind of stew is this?”
“It is only beef stew, pet. You have had it before. I seem to recall that you have enjoyed it in the past and chose it for that reason. Have I chosen in error?”
Harry shook his head and took another bite. “Merlin. No, it’s delicious. I’ve never had stew like this. Your elves must be something else.”
Severus chuckled wryly. “I will take that as a compliment, I think.”
“Hmm? Of course it is, love.”
“I made it, Harry. I do not allow my elf in the kitchen or the lab. She cleans, I cook and brew, and that arrangement works out nicely for us.”
Harry glared at his soup. “You did this. Sev, you can brew circles around anyone in Europe and probably the world, too, you’re a brilliant healer and strategist, you play guitar like a bloody god—you played me like a fiddle too while we’re at it, and you weren’t even trying—you know every spell known to man and some unknown, and you cook like a first-class chef. Is there anything you’re not brilliant at?”
Kora chuckled. “Socialising.”
Both Harry and Severus choked back laughs.
“She has the right of it, I fear, but….” Severus brushed the back of his hand down Harry’s cheek. “Thank you, love. I am glad that you value my talents.”
Harry caught his hand and kissed it. “I’m beginning to wonder what in Merlin’s name took me so long to notice.”
“Mm, I do not know, but you are worth the wait.”
“I’m not sure why. I’m nothing special. I’m certainly not so talented as you.”
Severus shrugged. “You are talented enough, but that is irrelevant in this situation. I do not love you for your talents.” He flushed and dropped his head, speaking in a hushed, lilting tone. “You opened yourself to me, Harry. You speak to me like an equal and never let my past—our past—get in the way. You laugh at my sarcasm. You welcome my touch.”
“More than welcome it,” Harry muttered.
Severus chuckled and squeezed Harry’s wrist. “In short, Harry, you showed me love and acceptance at a time when I was completely alone. You dragged me out of the darkness and showed me that, at least to one man, I still had worth. That means more to me than anything you might have offered in its place. It was honestly given, and with no expectation of anything in return but the pleasure of my company and intellectual conversation. I have so rarely had such open acceptance in my life, and I confess, it melted my defences faster than I had believed possible.”
Harry took Severus’ hand in his own. “That’s why you were so standoffish after those first few months. You got scared.”
“I knew I was falling. And I believed you to be entirely straight. So yes, I was attempting to protect myself.” Severus squeezed his hand. “But I soon learned that I would rather have you near me in whatever way you will allow than to guard what is left of my heart.”
Harry stared at his reflection in the broth, tears prickling his eyes and his heart pounding. No one had ever loved him like this. No one had ever sacrificed so much for his happiness, either.
“How long?”
Severus’ voice was soft. “Seven years.”
Harry pushed his seat back and went to the man, wrapping him in a gentle embrace. “Thank you for loving me so well.” He kissed Severus softly. “I promise you won’t ever have to do it alone again.”
Severus’ eyes shimmered and his arms tightened around Harry’s back. “I… you will stay? You will be mine?”
“Sev, I could look all my life and never find a love like you just offered me without a single string attached. Yeah. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, too. I just didn’t know it.”
“Harry, I—”
“Oh, for Naga’s sake.” Kora huffed and nudged Harry’s hip. “Eat our dinner, Master. I am hungry, and you two are spoiling my appetite with your human sop. Just mate and be done with it already. But wait until I am out of the way.”
Harry snorted and returned to his seat. “Our child has spoken, love.”
Severus grinned. “Never in my life did I imagine someone would accuse me of being too emotional.”
“Yes, my substitute prick is apparently quite vocal when she wants to be.”
“Today has been a day of firsts, to be sure.”
Kora griped, “Do humans always talk this much when they are hungry?”
“Only when we have a smartarsed snake to annoy,” said Harry with a laugh and settled into his meal.
Harry stood outside the door Severus had assigned him, dressed in only a loose pair of pyjama bottoms, slung low on his hips. Kora waved about over the hem and surveyed the surroundings.
He hovered outside Severus’ bedroom door, unsure if he wanted to go in or not. Severus had told him to sleep in his own room, but Harry didn’t want to. And despite the fact that Severus was dominant, he seemed to like it when Harry defied his orders. He wanted Harry to have a will of his own.
After all, what was the point of dominating a creature who made it easy? No, the victory was sweeter with a strong sub, even if Harry knew he would submit all along. Severus made the few orders he did out of concern for Harry’s welfare and to protect them both. There was nothing to be gained by truly defying him, but putting up a bit of a fight made them both feel good.
With that thought in mind, Harry knocked on Severus’ door and called, “Love, are you still awake?”
Severus waved the door open with a hand, revealing a cosy bedroom and a big four poster and forest green bedding. Severus lounged on the side of the bed nearest the door, dressed in a nightshirt and his slim silver glasses—gods, he looked sexy in them—with a book perched on his knees.
“Come in, pet. Though you know quite well you are defying me to do so.”
The corners of Harry’s lips twitched. “What are you going to do about it?”
“You shall find out shortly. For now, come sit with me and tell me what is on your mind.”
Harry curled up next to Severus and laid his head on the man’s shoulder. “I have every intention of returning to my room like a good little sub, but for now, I only wanted to be close to you. And I think you like it when I challenge you.”
“Mm. So long as you understand that I do not intend to harm you with my dominance, pet. It is in my nature to watch over you.”
“Yes, I know. I trust you. It’s only exciting to make you work for it.”
A low laugh rumbled in Severus’ chest. “I do enjoy a challenge. You know me well, my love.”
Harry looked up at Severus and searched his eyes. “Will you tell me? Will you say it? I… I’ve never heard that before.”
Severus closed his eyes and nodded, though Harry felt him shaking. He murmured, voice soft and unsteady, “I love you, Harry. I have done for nearly a decade now.”
Harry gently turned his face and took him into a soft kiss. “I don’t know if I’m quite there yet, Sev, but I’m falling fast. I don’t think it’ll be long.”
Severus smiled and blinked hard. “I am… relieved to hear that, pet.”
“Bloody ridiculous human mating rituals,” Kora muttered.
Harry snorted and returned his head to Severus’ shoulder. “As the great majority of us mate for life and not convenience, they’re rather important.”
“Ridiculous. I am relieved I will have no need to listen to this after three days.”
“Two now,” Severus remarked.
“Even better.”
“Such gratitude for the one who brought you into the world,” Harry snarked.
“And who made himself both genders in the process. Well done.”
Harry glared at the snake. “You know, Kora, it’s a good thing for you that you have those fangs, because if you didn’t, I assure you, you would have been out on your arse weeks ago.”
Severus offered a hand to the snake and purred when she allowed him to stroke her head with a fingertip. “I am rather fond of her.”
“Well, you know what they say. Birds of a feather and all.” Harry watched Severus pet Kora with a strange mix of arousal and revulsion. “You’re petting my snake-baby, who is standing in for my prick at the moment. I’m not drunk enough for this.”
“No alcohol until Kora is born.”
“Gods, this is so bloody weird. And oddly arousing.”
Kora swivelled her head around to stare at Harry. “We have already had our shower, thank you. I am not in need of another so soon.”
Harry huffed. “She definitely inherited your sarcasm, dear.”
Severus laughed into Harry’s shoulder. “I am positive that is your smart mouth on her, pet.”
Harry scowled. “On that note, I’m going to bed now. Goodnight, love.”
He lifted his partner’s chin and gave him a soft, loving kiss. Severus made a quiet sound of pleasure and slid his hand into Harry’s hair, but pulled back first.
“As much as I enjoy that, Kora is correct about her daily shower. And I agree, you should be going to bed now.”
Harry kissed Severus once more, lightly, and moved to the door.
“Harry?”
“Yeah?” Harry paused with his hand on the doorknob to find Severus giving him a dark, predatory look that made him shiver.
“Do not think I have forgotten your defiance. I will let it go this time as you did, at least, go to bed, but after we part ways tomorrow night, if you disobey me and come in here when you are not in need of aid, you will be punished.”
Harry shivered again. Merlin, the mere idea had him intrigued. “Promise?”
Severus burst into laughter. “Gods, Harry. You are a strange sort.”
“You love it.”
Severus smiled softly. “I do. Goodnight, pet.”
“Goodnight, love.” Harry left, closing the door behind him. He grinned to himself just outside the door. He had plans for tomorrow night, just to see what Severus deemed proper punishment for the head of the aurors’ biomagical division.
“I was right,” Kora muttered as Harry padded across the hall. “You are an idiot.”
“Takes one to know one, dear.”
The next evening, Severus took Harry into his bedroom before bed and snuggled him into his side. “How are you feeling, pet?”
“Fine as of now. I imagine that will change tomorrow.” So Harry had best take advantage of his plans while he could.
“Actually, I believe the birth process will be quick and mostly painless. Your ‘child’ is not particularly large and your cervix is already dilated. With any luck, she will simply… slide out when it is time.”
Harry wrinkled his nose. “Lovely.”
“Would you prefer to go through the pain of true vaginal labour?”
“Merlin, no. This is just fine. If a bit gross.”
“Says the half-man who regularly drowns me every time his pheromones rise,” said a disgusted Kora.
Harry glared at the beast. “Shut it, you.”
“Children, behave.” Severus earned himself two glares with that comment. “Well, you are being rather childish.” He laid his hand on Harry’s belly, under his tee shirt. “May I check your progress, love?”
“Sure. Just so long as you don’t call your pregnant half-girlfriend a child any longer.”
Severus brought Harry into a tender kiss. “Yes. You are mine now. Though you are half of nothing and all lovely.”
Harry gave him a wry smile. “Glad you think so, Sev. Well?”
Severus pulled up a sonogram image of Harry’s belly. Harry gave a hitched breath and pressed into his hand as he swept lower, but Severus whipped his hand away as soon as he had finished his check-up.
“Pet. Do not tempt me. I shan’t take you until Kora is free.”
Harry grinned wickedly. “Sure about that?”
He lifted one leg and bent it at the knee, offering Severus what would have been a prime view of his genitals if not for the pyjama trousers covering them. He lifted his tee with one hand, tracing slow circles across his bared stomach.
“Sure you don’t want a taste?”
The next instant, Harry found his hands and feet bound to the head and footboard, stretching him out in an x-position, and Severus sitting beside him with a book.
“Now then, pet,” said Severus in a stern voice, “I am going to read this aloud. And if you listen attentively and answer my questions when we are done, I shall allow you out of bed.”
“And if I don’t?”
“You shall attempt to sleep like that while I continue testing on your samples and make use of your bedroom instead.”
Harry sighed. “I thought these kinds of punishments were supposed to be fun.”
“When you are not pregnant with a snake, I shall consider it. Until then, you will have to make do with lessons. I am reading from the fifth chapter. ‘Asphodel, while traditionally used in love potions and other mind-altering substances, has shown some promise as a reagent for the opposite use. A recent study conducted at Tintagel University concluded that, when prepared in a tincture of wintergreen and heartsbreadth, asphodel restored three out of four genetic markers in a magically-altered patient….’”
Harry found himself listening in spite of the awkward position and the aggravation that his plans hadn’t gone like he’d hoped. Damn. Maybe later.
He shook his head and focused on the ‘lesson.’ He had no doubt Severus would follow through on his threats if he failed to comply. And while Harry could possibly break out of his restraints if he truly wanted to, he didn’t want to challenge Severus that much. He trusted his lover. He would simply have to wait to press him further and see what more interesting punishments he might draw out of his dominant’s creative mind.
“Wait,” Harry said after a moment. “Er… am I allowed to speak to you about the book?”
“Of course. What is it?”
“I’m assuming you’re considering using asphodel in my potion?”
“Yes.”
“Wouldn’t it react with the newt’s tears, love? Every experiment I’ve ever attempted using the two together has been… explosive to say the least.”
“Hmm. That is a good observation. Perhaps if we first coated the asphodel in powdered baby’s breath, it would hinder the reactive properties of the newt’s tears.”
Harry cocked his head, considering. “That might just work. You’re brilliant.”
A kiss landed upon his forehead. “Continue in this vein, and I shall release you early for good behaviour.”
Harry grinned and settled into the lesson.
“I repeat,” Kora muttered, “you humans have bizarre mating rituals.”
“I have the feeling Sev and I might be more bizarre than most,” said Harry with a snort. “But speaking of bizarre mating rituals, don’t you shite through the same… organ-thing you have sex with?”
Severus cleared his throat, and Harry blushed.
“Oh.”
Severus burst into laughter and trailed his fingers through Harry’s hair. “On that note, back to our reading. Asphodel has also shown promise as a reagent in restorative draughts….”
The next day, Severus chatted with Harry over lunch, musing on the details of Harry’s murder investigation and how he had come to be affected with such a strange version of the Medusa Potion. “So you touched the case file with your bare hands?” He shook his head. “It is possible that the file itself was contaminated, but no. If that were so, it would have taken out your entire department by now. And there is no reason to suspect it regardless.”
Harry’s fork paused halfway to his mouth. “Wait. There is a reason. Sev, that morning, I found the case file sitting on my desk.”
“Yes, so you’ve said. What about it?”
“That’s odd. Robards usually passes each one through the floo to me so he can make sure it went to the proper person and brief me on the case.” Harry frowned and set down his fork. “And come to think of it, when I asked him about the masks, he was surprised. He had planned to pass that case to Hermione and was surprised that I had it. At first, he thought it was a curse rather than a potion as we couldn’t find a method of absorption.”
“Absorption… you said you believe it to be airborne?”
Harry nodded. “That’s what every test we’ve run suggests.”
“Then do you not think it odd that every mask in the department went missing on the same day you were mistakenly passed a case utilising an airborne potion capable of permeating bubblehead charms?”
Harry’s breath stilled. “You think it’s an inside job.”
“Yes. Is there anyone with a grudge against you?”
Harry frowned. “No, not that I can think of. Well, the Death Eaters, but they’re all in prison, and no dark supporters are in the aurors these days. We made damn sure of that.”
Severus twirled his fork in his pasta. “Death Eaters are one possibility, yes, but pure evil is not the only motive strong enough to push one to kill. A jealous ex-lover, perhaps?”
“Not in the aurors,” Harry said with a grimace. “That’s just asking for trouble. And it’s against Ministry policy regardless. Well, they made an exception for Ron and Hermione, but that was when the war was still fresh in everyone’s mind. I’d be sacked if I tried it now.”
Severus nodded. “Perhaps someone who feels slighted by your fame? Or by your success in the field? Someone who feels overlooked?”
“The bint with the bug-eye glasses,” Kora muttered. “I smell murder on her every time she walks by.”
Harry gasped. “Shite. Jensen.” He glared at his crotch snake. “If you smelled it on her, don’t you think you might have told me before now?”
Kora gave a snakish imitation of a shrug. “It is not my problem.”
“Bloody bint of a snake. You’re lucky I know you’ve sharp fangs, or I’d banish you for that.”
Kora yawned in his face.
“Ugh.” Harry stood and pushed his plate away. “Lunch was delicious, love, but I’ve got to tell Robards before Jensen does a runner, if she hasn’t already.”
Severus wiped his face with his napkin and stood as well. “I will come with you.”
Harry winced. “Thank you, love, but you can’t. It’s a restricted floo. I’d lose my job. Will you wait for me here?”
Severus nodded and kissed Harry’s cheek. “Go then. I will finish my pasta.”
“Thank you. I’ll be back in a mo.” Harry raced to the drawing room floo. “Gawain Robards, office of the head auror, Ministry of Magic, London.” A pinch of floo powder and the aurors’ password turned the flames green. “Robards! Are you in, sir?”
The man looked up from a stack of papers. “Harry, I was just about to owl you. You’ll need to find a replacement potions tester. Jensen turned in her resignation this morning.”
Harry cursed. “Damn it. Robards, get Ron, Hermione, and Taylor from my red team and send them after her, now! Jensen is the Medusa case perp!”
Robards paled. “Sweet Circe, how do you know?”
“I had just worked it out myself, but don’t you think it’s odd that every mask in the department went missing the day we had an airborne potion attack that you didn’t assign me, but that also somehow found its way to my desk? It’s an inside job, Robards, and she’s the only one with a motive!”
Robards conjured a memo and dashed out a note. The flashing red paper airplane soared out of the room at top speed. “There you are, Potter. I do hope you’re right.”
“I am.”
Robards nodded grimly. “It certainly does look suspicious. But while you’re here, Harry, I’ve been trying to reach you anyway. The Granger-Weasleys know you took a leave of absence and they’ve been asking about you. They’re rather frantic, actually, so I suggest you contact them before they think you’ve gone and died on them.” He frowned. “You are well?”
Harry groaned. “I was better until I heard that.”
Robards smirked. “You’re welcome.”
Harry had called Severus into the drawing room for the meeting with Ron and Hermione, and so he found himself kneeling beside his partner, hand-in-hand, while Hermione cooed over them and Ron looked as though Harry had smacked him dead-centre with a lorry.
“You… you’re a shirt-lifter?”
Harry winced. “Um….”
Hermione conjured a pillow and smacked Ron over the head with it. “Ronald Weasley! Don’t be an arse! This is your best friend and brother you’re talking to.”
“Oi, woman! I didn’t mean anything bad by it. S’just a word for it.”
“A rude word.”
“Yeah, well, since when have I been the epitome of politeness? Emotional range of a teaspoon and all. I’m actually challenged, here, ‘Mione. Legitimate disability and all, and you insist on beating me over the head for it.”
Hermione rolled her eyes and smacked him again, making him grin. “Disability my foot.” She turned to Severus with a genuine smile. “I’m glad the two of you have found each other, if a little surprised. I’d begun to think our Harry would never settle down with anyone decent.”
Harry huffed. “Bit hard to when everyone wants a piece of my fame.”
“True.” She fixed Severus with a stern glare. “You will take care of him? He’s more sensitive than he likes to admit.”
Severus glared right back. “I have taken care of him since he was in nappies, Granger. And I will remind you that becoming a healer and medical consultant has, in no way, diminished my ability to boil impertinent former students’ entrails in acid should they cross me too many times.”
Harry snorted, but it dropped off quickly at the realisation that Kora was laughing too. Ron’s and Hermione’s heads swivelled about, looking for the source of the sound.
“Anyway,” he said hurriedly, “we wanted you to know I’m okay—or I will be in another month—and Sev is taking care of me.”
Hermione gasped. “A month? What’s wrong, Harry? Are you sick? Are you hurt?”
Harry grimaced. “It’s… rather shocking.”
Ron shook his head. “What could be more shocking than announcing the fact that you’re a shirt-lifter and dating Professor—er… Healer Snape at the same time, mate?”
Harry fixed him with a glare. “Well, there’s the fact that I’ve been changed into half a girl temporarily. And I have a snake for a penis—a venomous snake, mind you—which, by the way, is apparently not actually a penis, but a snake baby that I’m halfway pregnant with. And she’s a bloody smartarse, too. Oh, and even better, Severus can understand every fucking word.”
Ron stared, gobsmacked, then burst into laughter. “Oh, come on, mate. Pull the other one.”
Kora stuck her head out of Harry’s trousers. “Master, it is hot in there. And what does he mean, pull the other one? Pull the other what?”
“The other leg,” Severus explained with a wry smirk. “It means he thinks Harry is lying to make fun of him.”
“Then he is an idiot, too.”
Ron gibbered, “S-s-snake…?”
“Well, I did warn you,” said Harry with a shrug.
Ron fainted dead away.
Kora sniffed. “Why do humans always do that when they see me for the first time?”
“Not all of us,” said Severus with a snort.
“Yes, well, you are more intelligent.”
“Just for that, I’m eating hot wings and vindaloo curry for dinner,” Harry grumbled.
“And it is your arsehole that will pay the price,” said Kora with a snake-snicker. “I only feel a pleasant warmth when you ‘punish me’ with spicy food.”
“Well, isn’t that just fucking brilliant.”
“Harry,” said Hermione with a huff. “Will you stop talking to your penis already and help me bring this berk around?”
Harry snorted and clambered through the floo.
Apparently not even halfway completed snake labour was painless. Harry walked the floor of his bedroom, rubbing his aching belly and whimpering through contractions. Severus paced with him, holding his hands. He massaged Harry’s belly and back whenever the man would let him, which became more frequent as the pain increased.
“Shite, Sev. How do women do this? With real babies at that?”
Kora gave a pained hiss. “I am not imaginary, you dolt.”
“You’re not the size of a bloody watermelon either. Ah!” Harry stopped pacing and doubled over. “Sev, hurts.”
Severus rubbed Harry’s back, eyes darting over his lover’s shaking frame. “I… I do not understand why you are having contractions, love. I had imagined—but no, I was clearly wrong, and that does not help you now, does it?” He took a shaky breath and leaned down with Harry, holding him steady with gentle hands. “I am so sorry.”
“You should be,” Harry grunted. “This is all your fault, Papa.”
Severus snorted. “I had nothing to do with Kora’s origins, thank you very much. Should I be concerned about those late afternoon forays into the gardens?”
Harry groaned. “Dear gods, Sev. That’s wrong on so many levels.”
“I did not start this fire, pet. Nor that one, as it happens.”
“Hey, this is the only time I’ll ever be in labour. Can’t you let me enjoy the experience of raking you over the coals while I struggle to bring our child into the world?”
Severus laughed softly. “Perhaps I can, as they say, take one for the team.”
“Just so.”
Kora huffed. “You are both idiots.”
“Yeah,” Harry agreed. “I should have banished you from the start rather than listening to your smartarse mouth for the past two weeks and struggling through labour for your bloody convenience.”
“Do not make me bite you.”
“At this point, it might be a relief.”
Severus gathered Harry’s face in strong hands. “Do not say such things. Never let me hear you speak that way again.”
“Oh.” Harry kissed his palms. “I didn’t mean it, Sev.”
“Nevertheless, it troubles me.”
“Okay, love. I’ll try to remember.”
“Ugh.” Kora nudged them apart. “I am too uncomfortable for your human sop. If you do not shut up and hurry things along, perhaps I shall bite you both and be done with it.”
Severus snorted. “That is definitely your mouth on her, pet. And perhaps I could ease the process. You should have passed this point in labour regardless.” He muttered some strange incantation by Harry’s ear, and a rush of something warm and wet trailed down Harry’s legs. Blood?
“Oh gods, something’s wrong.” He took in several rapid breaths and forced himself to stand, but no crimson soiled his trousers. Just water. Or piss.
“Fuck, did I… how did that even happen? Haven’t I been pissing with a charm?”
“That is amniotic fluid, not urine. I broke your water.” Severus banished Harry’s trousers and pants and guided him to the towel-covered area before the bed. “If you squat here, I believe it will make birthing her easier.”
“Well, isn’t that just the height of dignity,” Harry growled.
Severus snorted. “Birth is a raw experience for everyone.” He bent over Harry’s back and balanced him. “I will support you. Simply push.”
“Now?”
“Yes, now. On my count. One… two… thr—”
“AGH!”
Harry shrieked at a sharp rush of pain and fluid, Kora hissed something angry at him—he thought it might have been in German—and then, with a thump, she was free. Severus cleaned them both with a spell, banished the afterbirth, and summoned a pain potion. The man had been afraid to give Harry anything before Kora was free, but now that they no longer shared a body, Severus hurried to treat him.
“All over, pet.”
Severus hefted Harry into his arms and lifted him onto the bed. A quick flick of his wand had the man dressed in one of his nightshirts and boxers. Severus draped the sheet over him, then knelt to examine the snake watching from his feet.
“You are free now, Kora. What will you do?”
“I will stay here, human. You are amusing. And your mate is amusing to annoy.”
“Oi! Ungrateful brat. I carried you in my womb for two weeks and this is how you repay me?”
“See what I mean?”
Harry harrumphed and ignored the bratty little demon. With a chuckle, Severus offered his hand to the snake.
“I have a lovely terrarium prepared for you. It is nice and warm and will keep you safe and healthy until you are able to move about easily on your own. Would you like me to take you to it?”
“Thank you, human. I would.”
Severus nodded and carefully lifted the snake into his hands. He carried her to a glass cage across the room and laid her atop a bed of desert terrain. “This is closer to your breed’s natural habitat, I think.”
Kora sighed and slithered onto a sunning rock. “This is good, human. Thank you.”
Severus ran a fingertip down her back, then left her to rest. “Well, Harry, we are finished with the first part of your recovery. Now comes the difficult part.”
Harry shot him a dark look. “If your potion is worse than that, I’ll be the one punishing you for once.”
Severus chuckled and climbed into the bed beside Harry. “Hmm, it will not be pleasant, I think, but it should at least be over quickly. I meant that it will be difficult to develop as we have many factors to account for.”
“Well, at least I won’t have to worry about being caught shouting down my own prick any longer.”
Kora grumbled, “I was never your bloody penis, idiot.”
“She calls me that almost as a term of endearment now,” said Harry with a snort.
“There is nothing endearing about it, master. Now, do shut up and let me sleep.”
Severus chuckled and cast a silencing ward around the terrarium. “There now. We have no eavesdroppers and shan’t need to worry about an annoyed coral snake slithering over here to carry out her threats.”
Harry waggled his eyebrows. “Is this where you have your wicked way with me?”
Severus choked. “You just gave birth.”
“And don’t I have two holes down there? Just play with the other one.”
Severus’ breath hitched and his nostrils flared. “Tempting, but not yet. Not until you have had at least a nap, a potion to heal your muscles and womb, and a meal.”
Harry grumped, “Are you always this difficult to get into bed?”
“Only when my girlfriend has just given birth.”
“Oi! I’m not a girl.”
Severus chuckled and brought Harry into a tender kiss. “I know.” He grabbed a sky-blue potion from the tray Severus had set on the bedside table earlier, a potion Harry recognised as a muscle knitting draught.
“Ugh. If you’re going to feed me that, I won’t be good for much of anything until bedtime tomorrow.”
“This is an accelerated brew, but no, it will make you uncomfortable for a few hours. Take it anyway.”
Harry sighed and downed the brew. The muscle twitches and aches began the instant it hit his stomach. “The things I do for you, sir.”
Severus smirked. “You know what you signed on for, love.” He eased Harry onto his back and kneaded the man’s belly. “Does this help?”
Harry moaned and let Severus’ fingers turn him into a puddle of goo. “Yeah, that’s brilliant.”
“Good. Then simply relax and allow me to care for you.”
Harry brought Severus into a soft kiss and did just that.
Harry wasn’t sure when Severus’ careful massage had put him to sleep, but he woke up to the most amazing smell in the world and a strong need to piss. He sat and rubbed his eyes. “Sev? Everything okay?”
“Yes, pet. Robards called while you were asleep. They caught Jensen.”
“Oh, good! She did it then?”
“So the Veritaserum said. It turns out that she was the niece who originally reported the case. They had a... an imperfect relationship, and so she used her as her victim and set the crime scene up as a trap for you.”
"So it was me she wanted all along."
"Indeed, but she will do no further harm now. Well done, pet."
Relief rushed through Harry, and he let his bladder go, used to the convenience of the charm aiding his evacuation. “Thank goodness. So, what did you bring me to eat, then? It smells wonderful.”
“Shepherd’s pie, pet, but….” Severus wrinkled his nose. “I think you will need a shower before I allow you to eat it.”
“A shower? What? Why?” Then, Harry felt the warm trickles dripping down his legs.
Apparently the charm had stopped working.
His face burned and he covered it with his hands. “Fuck.”
Severus’ lips twitched. “Not like that, we shan’t. I am not a fan of watersports.”
Harry groaned. “Kill me now.”
“Oh, buck up, love. It’s only a little accident. Mindy and I will take care of the mess. Go wash, and then we shall put this aside and have our dinner.”
“Yeah, okay.” Harry dashed to the shower, feeling as though his face might combust. Barely three days into the relationship of his life, and he’d already pissed himself like a bloody toddler.
“Well done, Potter,” he growled at himself and removed his sopping boxers.
After a thoroughly awkward dinner, Severus guided Harry to his bedroom—with clean sheets and a freshly-washed mattress—and lay Harry upon the bed. “Now, love, let me see what has changed about your anatomy to allow you to urinate again. Will you allow me to examine you?”
Harry’s heart thrummed. “Go for it. Can’t promise I’ll behave, though.”
Severus chuckled. “Neither can I, for that matter.”
Harry’s belly tightened with anticipation, and he banished his clothing in one fell swoop. “Examine me then, doctor. I’m all yours.”
“Bloody hell,” Severus said with a gasp. He took Harry into a fierce kiss, thrusting into his mouth with passion and fury, and Harry quivered under the sensual assault.
“Yesss….”
“I am positive that was Parseltongue.” Severus worked his way down Harry’s throat with fierce, sucking kisses that made Harry’s skin tingle and his groin ache.
“S-Sev,” he gasped as the man in question tugged Harry’s nipple into his mouth, “oh gods, feels so good, but I thought you were going to—ugh—examine me.”
“And so I am. I did not say I would use my hands. We are not in the office, after all.”
“Sweet Merlin, yes.”
Severus chuckled darkly and continued his trek down Harry’s body, seeking out the places that made Harry cry out and finding every last one of them. Dear gods, what had Harry gotten himself into? Severus was a fucking hurricane in the sack, apparently.
“Ah, I see what changed.” Harry looked down to find Severus situated between Harry’s spread legs, head hovering just above his genitals. The man’s breath brushed his sensitive skin with every syllable.
“Guh. Er… what?”
Severus’ tongue swiped him, and Harry could not think past a screaming, white-hot lance of sheer ecstasy. His back bowed and his fists clenched the sheets.
“Ah!”
“Yes, that is different.” Severus punctuated every sentence with laps of his tongue, and Harry couldn’t breathe for pleasure. “It seems without Kora affecting your anatomy….” Lick. “Your clitoris….” Lick. “Has moved down….” Suck. “To allow for a small penis to form….” Lick. “Just above the hood.”
“Oh fuck, Sev. Tell me later.”
“No, I am going to… describe… every… little… detail.”
“Ah, ah! Don’t stop.”
“I do not… intend to. You are… lovely. Taste divine. Female and male in one… and I am enchanted… by both sides.”
The slight delay Severus’ speech made was driving Harry mad. “Damn it, Sev, stop talking and let me come. I’m… ah….”
Severus’ laugh was dark as sin. “Oh, but where is the fun in that?”
Harry groaned and let himself be tortured. Severus took his time to explore every millimetre of Harry’s skin, talking between each lick to keep him on edge, so that by the time two fingers sank inside Harry to check him, he was a writhing, heaving mess.
“Severus!” His keening wail certainly sounded feminine.
Harry wailed again as his fingers slipped out, wet with his own slick, and slowly slid into his arse. He arched and rocked, panting as his body adjusted to accommodate Severus’ fingers, and sobbed as the man’s tongue again began to take him apart in earnest.
“So hot inside,” Severus moaned against Harry’s clit. “So tight. And here, so soft and warm.”
Two fingers from Severus’ other hand returned to Harry’s vagina, and Harry thrust and arched into both sets.
“So ready, so wet.”
Severus slid home and pressed into Harry’s prostate from both sides, and Harry keened with pleasure.
“Sev, please.”
“Please what, my love?”
Gods damn, the man was tormenting him on purpose.
“Inside me. Want you inside.”
Severus couldn’t hold back a moan. “Oh gods. Want you too, Harry.”
In an instant, the man’s clothes had vanished, and he had climbed up Harry’s body. His breath smelled of sex and musk, and his tongue tasted divine. Harry sucked it into his mouth and wrapped his fingers around his prize, caressing Severus’ velvet-steel shaft with firm, slow strokes. Severus whimpered into his mouth and rocked with his hand.
“Oh, I have wanted to feel you touch—ngh—me for so long.”
Harry swiped his thumb along the wet head. “Does it feel good, love? Am I doing it right?”
“Gods, yes.”
Severus dropped his head onto Harry’s shoulder and rocked with his strokes, angling himself so his head rubbed against Harry’s vagina with every thrust. The teasing touch kept Harry excited, as did watching Severus fall apart in his arms. Gods, how could Harry have ever thought him anything but gorgeous? With his long hair in disarray, strands plastered to his face, his lips parted in ecstasy and eyes on fire with want, Harry thought he had never seen anything sexier.
Enough playtime. He removed his hand and cupped Severus’ bum instead. “Sev, in me.”
Severus groaned and cast a medical scan. “Have to… make sure… your cervix is healed, pet. I may be taking you from behind tonight otherwise.”
Harry whimpered, excited at the thought. “Don’t care how you take me, just get inside me already.”
Severus claimed Harry’s mouth in a fierce kiss. “You are well. I plan to make good use of this part of your anatomy while it lasts.” And he sank into Harry’s vagina with one thrust.
“Ah!”
Harry arched up and met him stroke for stroke. The friction against his bits and bobs made him cry out and clutch at Severus’ shoulders. Water pooled in his groin, fire coiled in his belly, and lightning rushed along his nerve endings, setting him alight. Gods damn. Sex had never felt like this before. And not merely because he had never had the right anatomy for it, either.
He had never had sex with someone who genuinely loved him before.
As if sensing the shift in Harry’s mood, Severus slowed down and peppered kisses against Harry’s torso and face.
“So beautiful. So rare. I love you. Love the way you feel, the way you sound, the way you hold me. Never let you go. Never hurt you. Never leave you.”
Harry blinked back tears, arrested by a softer emotion cresting over the waves of his desire. Love. Merlin help him, he was in love, too. He had no idea how it happened so fast, but it had done.
Then again, perhaps it had been creeping up on him all along.
He could almost hear Kora telling him to stop being an idiot. Gods, what did it matter? He loved Severus now—that was the important thing.
“Sev, love you, too.”
Severus stilled. “Harry? Did you… was that the heat of the moment talking?”
“No, Sev.” Harry took him into a soft kiss. “I love you. I think maybe I have for a while and I just hadn’t wanted to admit it because, well, I didn’t want to be gay. But I am, and I do, and you deserve to know.” He kissed a wave of tears from Severus’ face. “But if you don’t bloody well get on with it, I might go mad before you’ve the chance to enjoy me.”
Severus laughed into Harry’s throat, though it was thick with tears and emotion, and resumed his slow, deep thrusts. He gazed into his lover’s eyes as they made love. Gods, it felt so different with this new, beautiful emotion hovering between them. So new. So… Harry couldn’t describe it, but the power of it nearly swept him away.
“I love you, Severus,” he whispered.
Severus descended on him with deep, passionate kisses. Harry’s soft declaration renewed Severus’ ferocity, and Harry soon found himself carried away on a tidal wave of pleasure. He cried out at the rush of heat and desire within him, and shrieked as Severus’ thumb found his clit.
“Come for me, Harry,” Severus commanded, soft and rich with love, breathless with want, and Harry could do nothing but obey.
“Sev’rus!”
He squealed and jacknifed into his lover’s touch, wailing as waves of ecstasy crashed over him inside and out. Severus moaned and thrust wildly, kissing Harry through his own orgasm, and after a moment, flooded Harry’s insides with heat. With a moan, Severus flopped atop Harry and panted into his hair.
“Lovely,” he gasped out. “Every moment… you are exquisite.”
“Bloody hell,” Harry wrapped Severus in his arms and legs alike. “That was brilliant, love. Why in Merlin’s name did I wait so long?”
Severus chuckled into his throat. “I do not know. I am only glad you are mine now.” He raised up on one shoulder and murmured, voice small and uncertain, “Is it… still true, Harry, now that we are no longer drugged with pleasure?”
Harry caressed Severus’ face. “Don’t know about you, Sev, but I still feel amazing.” He brought his lover into a sweet kiss. “And yes, it’s still true.”
Severus sighed into Harry’s curls and clutched him so close, Harry could barely breathe. “Thank the gods. I have waited so long.”
Harry kissed Severus’ damp hair and rubbed his back. “Hey, ssh. It’s all right now. I love you, Sev. And I’m yours, forever now.”
Severus nuzzled his cheek. “Yes. Forever and always.”
“Oh, for Naga’s sake.” Harry jerked up to find a red and black head staring at them from the end of the bed. “You can’t go five minutes without turning into piles of mush, can you? I had begun to have such great hopes while you were mating, too.”
“Kora!” Heat flooded Harry’s face. “Jesus Christ! Sex is a private thing, you bloody voyeur. Go away.”
Kora sniffed. “As if that is a great loss. You both stink like death.” With that, she slithered away.
Above him, Severus burst into laughter. “Dear gods. Life will never be boring with you, will it, love?”
“Honestly? With my luck? I seriously doubt it.”
Severus snorted. “I am looking forward to the ride.”
Harry wrapped him in strong arms and grinned. “So am I.”