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Towards the end of a world tour, sometimes Namjoon just needs a moment.
Over the years, he has become more comfortable with the huge stages, the large amount of space in the stadiums, but eventually, it gets to be too much.
It’s not that he’s agoraphobic, not exactly, but when he drops his stage persona at the end of the last concert, strong and confident and leader-like, he needs to make himself smaller. He tucks into himself and feels his shoulders hunch over as they leave the venue. It’s not cold, but he feels himself shiver anyway and he hurries forward, the sky overhead suddenly way too big.
He squeezes into the backseat of the van, pressing his body against the window, and tries to take a deep breath. It doesn’t work. The small gulp of air he gets isn’t enough, and when he tries again, it’s not any better.
“Hyung?” he calls, but it’s shaky and too quiet, and no one hears him at first, and the panic starts to get worse. God, why is it so hard to breathe? He takes another shallow breath and manages to say it again, a little desperate.
“Hyung?”
This time, Taehyung, who was climbing in after him, can actually hear him. He backs out, whispering something worriedly to Yoongi, who is standing behind him, and Namjoon doesn’t see what happens next because he has to close his eyes to concentrate on breathing again because he can’t get enough air.
He can’t get enough air and he can feel that he’s gasping for breath, but he can’t slow it down and the sounds of his own gasps grate on his ears for a moment until there’s someone sliding into the seat next to him, getting closer and closer until they’re touching from thigh to shoulder.
“Joonie, I need you to listen to hyung, okay?”
He tries to answer, but he still can’t breathe and he can feel his heart in his throat, beating twice as fast as it should be. He feels his hand move up to his neck, trying to keep his heart from tearing through the skin there.
“I know it hurts, Joonie, but I need you to listen to me and help me, okay?”
He can help. Some part of his brain remembers that he’s good at that, at helping, and in between shallow pulls of air he tries to nod his head.
“Good, Joon-ah. Can I move your hand?”
Crooked fingers lace between his where they’re still gripping at his throat, and he tries to loosen his hold. When he does, his hand is pulled away and pressed against the other’s chest.
“You’re doing great, Joon.”
He tries to protest, because everything still hurts and he’s still struggling to breathe. A panic attack. That’s what this is. He’s had a few before, but that doesn’t make this one any easier.
“Okay, now I want you to try to match my breathing, Joonie.”
He feels the exaggerated breath and tries to take one of his own, but his chest feels tight and he only gets a tiny bit more air.
“That was good. Try again, okay? Just a little more.”
It takes another few moments, but eventually he’s able to get a deep enough breath in that the tightness of his chest starts to loosen and he can hear something other than the voice and his own gasps. He vaguely realizes that the others have gotten into the van and that they’re moving, traveling slowly, and he can feel the rumble of the street under the tires.
With a few more deep breaths, the panic that had filled his brain starts to subside, and he’s able to open his eyes. It’s dark in the van with just the streetlights outside to illuminate the interior, but he can see Seokjin looking at him intently.
He appears perfectly calm, but there’s a tightness to the corners of his eyes that probably only six people in the entire world would be able to recognize.
He doesn’t want to make him worry, wants to reassure Seokjin that he’s okay, but he’s not really okay yet, because he still hurts. His hand is still pressed to Seokjin’s chest, and his slow, even breaths are helping him relax a little more.
When his breathing is finally back to normal, Namjoon pulls his hand back, but keeps his hold on Seokjin, maneuvering until Seokjin’s arm is around him and he can tuck himself even closer into his side. Seokjin feels warm, which is strange, because usually he’s cold, but Namjoon is just coming out of a mild panic attack, so he lets the warmth settle him even more.
“Jin-hyung,” he says softly, and Seokjin hums at him before speaking quietly.
“It’s okay, Joonie. Everyone is here. We’re all good.”
Namjoon’s brain goes a little fuzzy when he hears that. “All good?” he repeats.
“All good, Joon-ah. Hyung’s got you.”
There’s a pause before Seokjin speaks again.
“Want to stay with me tonight?”
He does, and he nods. He’s supposed to room with Jimin, but he really wants to be with Seokjin.
They haven’t told the others about their relationship, but the fact that Taehyung and Yoongi knew exactly who he was asking for even though he has three hyungs says a lot, and he feels certain that Jimin will be okay with switching with Seokjin.
By the time they make it to the hotel, Namjoon feels mostly like his normal self, but when they’re led into the lobby the huge, fancy room is almost empty since it’s so late at night and that sends a shot of panic through Namjoon’s veins again.
Seokjin is standing so close that he must feel Namjoon stiffen, because he pulls Namjoon’s arm up and around his shoulders. It’s something Namjoon does all the time, so none of the others even give them a second glance, but what they don’t see is that Seokjin pinches the bottom edge of Namjoon’s shirt and pulls him forward, letting Namjoon lean heavily on him, and he breathes exaggeratedly, making sure his shoulders move up and down.
Namjoon doesn’t take in much after that, only vaguely registering one of their staff handing out key cards and telling them that they can sleep in tomorrow, since their plane doesn’t leave until the early evening. He concentrates on matching his breaths to Seokjin’s and trusts his hyung to make sure everyone gets where they need to be.
Seokjin does have to duck out from under Namjoon’s arm for a moment to talk to Jimin, and he shakes his head to try to focus. He sees Taehyung, Jungkook, and Hoseok let themselves into their room, and Yoongi approaches him. He looks sleepy, but he sounds worried when he speaks.
“Are you okay, Namjoon-ah?”
“Mostly. I just…” He’s not sure how to explain to Yoongi what happened, so he just shakes his head again.
“It’s fine. Let Jin-hyung take care of you, okay?”
That clears his head a little bit, and his eyes widen.
“Come on, Joon. You’re not exactly subtle. Do you know people online call him your emotional-support hyung?”
He hadn’t known that, but when he looks over at Seokjin, who hands Jimin his key card before giving Namjoon a reassuring smile, it makes sense.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Namjoon-ah. Relax with him tonight.”
Jimin bounces over then, pulling Yoongi away by the elbow and waving goodnight over their shoulders. Namjoon feels Seokjin behind him, this time curving his arm around Namjoon’s waist and pulling him towards another door. The moment Seokjin’s hand touches his side, he can feel his body loosen again, and he wonders if he should be worried about how strongly he feels towards Seokjin, but then he’s being led inside the room and the moment the door shuts, Seokjin is crowding him up against it.
He doesn’t try to kiss Namjoon, just pins him to the door using his entire body, pressing until they’re touching from shoulder to ankle, with Namjoon’s hands on Seokjin’s shoulders, and Seokjin’s hands against the wood of the door on either side of Namjoon’s head.
When they’d first met, Seokjin was taller than him, but Namjoon has grown a few more inches in the last few years, so now Seokjin has to look up at him. With Seokjin pressing him into the door, though, Namjoon feels small, especially with his hands on Seokjin’s broad shoulders.
It feels so nice that a small sigh leaves him, and Seokjin smiles at him. “Can I kiss you, Joonie?”
He doesn’t answer, just moves forward enough to meet Seokjin’s lips, and more of his tension evaporates as he’s pressed harder into the door.
Seokjin tugs gently on his lower lip and he opens his mouth, sighing again as he feels Seokjin’s lips part as well.
After a moment, he starts to feel fuzzy again, and he thinks it’s from the lack of air, but then Seokjin pulls back and smiles up at him before pulling him away from the door and pushing him down onto the bed. He goes willingly, and when Seokjin climbs to sit on his thighs, he pulls him down until Seokjin is caging him in.
“Joonie, do you want…?”
Instead of answering, he pulls Seokjin down into a kiss again, hands tugging through his hair, trying to get Seokjin even closer. Seokjin kisses him for a moment, but then he pulls back.
“You know I need you to actually say yes, Joonie. I need to know for sure that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine now, hyung. Really. It wasn’t the worst I’ve had.”
Seokjin looks for a moment like he doesn’t believe him, taking his head between his hands and looking intently into his eyes. Namjoon does his best to look back at him calmly, but it’s difficult when Seokjin is staring at him like he’s looking for something.
“You’re still trembling, Joonie.”
He is, but it’s not because of the panic attack anymore. Now he’s shivering in anticipation. He knows what Seokjin is suggesting, and he wants it so much.
Despite how Namjoon’s still shaking, Seokjin must see whatever he’s looking for in his eyes, because his worried look turns into a soft smile and he leans down to kiss Namjoon’s forehead, moving a hand to his hair.
“Oh, Joonie. My Joonie. I love you,” he whispers near Namjoon’s ear, and a much larger shiver passes through Namjoon’s body. When Seokjin moves to his mouth to kiss him, he can feel the fuzziness from earlier descending again, and his lips curve up in a smile.
Seokjin feels it and pulls back, sitting up a bit and smiling down at him, hands helping him balance on his chest.
“My Joonie is so wonderful. So smart, and handsome, and funny.”
“Hyung…” he whines, but Seokjin knows not to stop.
“So brave and sweet, looking out for all of us, so much responsibility.”
The praise sends a zip of wonderful sensation up Namjoon’s spine, and he gasps in as Seokjin moves one hand to his cheek, thumb pressing into where Namjoon thinks his dimples must have appeared.
“It’s been a hard day. Is my Joonie going to be a good boy for me? Going to let hyung help you relax?”
Namjoon can feel that he’s slipping farther into that floaty headspace where nothing matters except being good for Seokjin, so he uses the last few moments of clarity to speak.
“I’ll be so good for you, hyung. I love you so much, so much.”
Seokjin grins and leans down to kiss the tip of his nose before sitting up again.
“There’s my Joonie. I love you too.”
It sounds so nice that he wants Seokjin to say it again, so he reaches up and traces his fingertip across Seokjin’s lovely lips. After kissing his finger, Seokjin grasps Namjoon’s hand and kisses his palm, then his wrist, and then travels down his arm, lips ticklish against Namjoon’s skin all the way to his cheek, where he whispers into Namjoon’s ear.
“I love you, Namjoon-ah. I love you, I love you, I love you and I want to be your Seokjin and I want you to be my Namjoonie forever.”
He hears the word forever and loses his focus. He’s looking up at the ceiling, Seokjin’s lips still near his ear, but he’s not really seeing it. He’s too busy thinking about forever and how good Seokjin is making him feel, and he wants to pull Seokjin over until he can kiss him, but his arms feel heavy, so all he does is tilt his head towards him.
Seokjin is so attentive that the slight movement makes him realize what Namjoon wants, and he kisses Namjoon deeply. He doesn’t want Seokjin to move away, so he breathes softly, letting Seokjin steal his air as he manages to move one hand enough to hold on to the hem of Seokjin’s shirt.
He’s fuzzy enough that he has no idea how long Seokjin kisses him for, and he keeps his eyes closed until Seokjin bites gently on his upper lip before sitting up again.
Seokjin is so beautiful, so he just stares, admiring his red lips and his kind eyes. There are slight bags under his eyes, and he’s starting to get some wrinkles around the corners, but they only make Seokjin even more pretty because he’s gotten those imperfections during their time together. Seokjin turns his head for a moment and Namjoon can’t see his eyes anymore, so he tries to make his mouth work.
“L-look. Hyung, look, please.”
“I’m looking at you, Joonie. I see you.” Seokjin turns back to him, and happiness rushes through him when they make eye contact.
“You still with me, Joonie?” Seokjin asks after a few minutes. Namjoon tries to nod, but he can’t quite make his head move the way he wants. “Let me know if you want me to stop.”
Seokjin scoots backwards down his legs until enough of Namjoon’s torso is exposed for him to unbutton the shirt he’d changed into after the concert. When his chest is revealed, Seokjin runs his hands from Namjoon’s stomach around his sides, and a slightly hysterical giggle escapes him, but then Seokjin’s fingers press harder into his skin and his moan surprises both of them.
“Oh Joonie. Are you sensitive tonight?”
He doesn’t wait for Namjoon to answer, instead leaning down and mouthing at Namjoon’s collarbones. After a moment he moves to pull away, but Namjoon manages to force enough strength into his right hand to move it so that he can keep Seokjin’s lips on his skin.
Seokjin chuckles against him before reattaching his lips to Namjoon and sucking hard. He releases the skin and almost instantly starts sucking again. Oh, he’s going to leave a mark on Namjoon’s collarbone, Namjoon is going to be able to look in the mirror and see Seokjin on him, and maybe he can wear a shirt with a low collar so that everyone else can see how good Seokjin makes him feel. The thought makes him whimper, and Seokjin sucks hard one more time before sitting up. He moves back just a little bit, and Namjoon realizes how hard he is.
Seokjin seems to realize at the same time, because he wiggles his hips back, and Namjoon wishes his pants weren’t still on.
“Oh, Joonie, look how hard you are for me. You are a good boy, aren’t you?”
Namjoon feels himself twitch against Seokjin’s backside and his hips rock up. Seokjin moves one hand to press his fingers to the mark on Namjoon’s neck and the slight ache makes him twitch again.
“Need…” Namjoon manages to force out before Seokjin presses down harder and the only thing he can focus on is the place where Seokjin’s fingertips are. It takes him another moment to realize that Seokjin is talking to him.
“What do you need, Joonie? Come on, tell me what you need.”
He tries, but the second he opens his mouth, Seokjin grinds back against him, and the only thing he can do is gasp.
“Be good, Joon-ah.” Seokjin’s voice gains the tiniest bit of an edge and everything in him yells for him to behave, to answer Seokjin, so he starts talking.
“Need you, hyung, need you to- need you please, please. Don’t make me wait, I’ll be good, I’ll be so good, make hyung feel good, use me to feel good, Seokjin-hyung…”
He trails off as Seokjin holds a finger against his lips, and he can’t help but open his mouth so that he can suck on it, licking around his fingertip. Seokjin freezes for just a moment before pulling his hand away and shaking his head.
“You didn’t tell me what you need yet, love.”
The burst of happiness that floods him at the endearment is so strong that it erases any self-consciousness he still had and the words come pouring out of him.
“Fuck me, hyung, need you to fuck me, wanna feel you inside, will you-?” He gasps as a thought occurs to him. “Will you come in me, mark me on the inside too? I want you to take me… take me and make me yours...” his words start to disappear again and he’s reduced to whines and whimpers.
“You’re already mine, but good job, love-“ his hips jerk up. “You’re doing so well, being so good for me.”
Namjoon moans again, low and achy, because he wants to be closer and it’s taking too long, but he manages to reach up and slide a hand under Seokjin’s shirt.
“Off,” he begs. “Please, please, hyung…”
When Seokjin takes his hands off of Namjoon’s chest to pull his shirt off, he can’t help but whine, which makes Seokjin chuckle.
“You can’t have it both ways, baby. Don’t be too impatient.”
He tries to stay calm, he really does, but the moment Seokjin’s face reappears from the collar of his shirt, he yanks him down into another kiss.
He was feeling heavy and weak earlier, but as Seokjin gasps and lets him push his tongue into his mouth, he’s starting to buzz with excitement.
“-hyung,” he says before Seokjin can pull back enough to let the word be fully formed. “Hyung, too empty. Please, hyung.”
“I was going to make you wait a little longer-“ a sound almost like a wail escapes him. He can’t wait, needs Seokjin now, before he implodes out of desperation. “But I guess I’ll reward you, just because you’re begging so nicely.”
Namjoon is not reward-motivated, he’s not, but he can feel the way his face lights up when Seokjin praises him and he starts to babble thank yous.
“Don’t thank me yet, Joonie-love. I haven’t even done anything yet.”
But he has, and Namjoon is so grateful that Seokjin helped him out of his panic attack and into this fuzzy space where Seokjin is the only thing that matters. There’s no responsibility to the band, to their fans, to the management. He only needs to make Seokjin feel good, and so he runs his hand down Seokjin’s chest until he reaches the front of his pants. The zipper is tricky with the fog in his head, but Seokjin praises him when he pulls it down all the way, and then even more when he manages to undo the button.
When Seokjin has to move off of him to pull down his pants and boxers, Namjoon almost cries, but he remembers that Seokjin told him not to be impatient, and he’s rewarded when Seokjin comes back and settles his head on the bottom of Namjoon’s stomach. He kisses all around Namjoon’s navel as he undoes his trousers, and he’s concentrating so hard on Seokjin’s mouth that the cold air surprises him when his pants and underwear are pulled down to his ankles.
He doesn’t have time to gasp before Seokjin’s lips close around him, and he automatically throws his head back. It feels so good, the way Seokjin’s tongue licks against the underside of his cock. One of Seokjin’s hands tightens on his hip, pressing his thumb into the bend where his thigh meets his hip and it’s-
God, it’s so good, and he’s so close, but when he realizes how soon he could come, he pushes Seokjin up.
“Are you okay, love? I didn’t hurt you, did-“
Namjoon doesn’t let Seokjin finish, just shakes his head and pulls him down on top of him. Seokjin tries to brace himself with his hands on either side of Namjoon’s head, but Namjoon reaches up and grabs the back of Seokjin’s neck and pulls until he is forced to let his weight rest on Namjoon.
“Want Jinnie to feel good,” Namjoon says, surprising himself with the nickname. “Was going to come too soon, too empty.”
“Oh, Joonie,” Seokjin turns enough to kiss the top of his head. “My amazing Joonie, I feel good when I can make you feel good.”
Namjoon buries his face in Seokjin’s neck. “Love you,” he manages to force out as he shivers, still trying to pull Seokjin closer.
“Is it time, love?”
Namjoon can only nod, and he feels his fingers twitch against the back of Seokjin’s neck when he tries to pull away.
“Joonie…”
“Don’t leave.”
“I’m not, Joonie, but I have to get up for a moment. The lube is in my bag.”
“Don’t need it. Don’t leave.”
Seokjin forces himself up and Namjoon tries to hold him down, but Seokjin is stronger than he is, and it only takes a moment for him to be looking down at Namjoon sternly.
“Yes we do, Joon-ah. You hurt yourself enough as it is in the rest of your life. I’m not going to let you hurt yourself doing this.”
Namjoon winces, because Seokjin is scolding him, but then he leans down and gives him a quick kiss on the forehead before vanishing from on top of him. Before Namjoon can muster up a pout, Seokjin is back above him, this time with a small bottle in his hand. He pours a little bit onto his fingers before reaching down between Namjoon’s legs.
He’s so sensitive that he doesn’t know what to do when Seokjin presses a finger to his entrance. He starts to sit up, trying to push down onto Seokjin’s hand and trying to pull away at the same time, but almost instantly Seokjin’s other hand is holding him down by his hip.
“Relax, love,” Seokjin says, using his lips against Namjoon’s to push him back down to lay against the pillow. He tries to relax, but his body won’t work with him, and Seokjin can’t push his finger in at first.
He whines, still trying to push down even though it stings, and Seokjin presses down harder on his hip.
“Not yet, Joonie. You’ve got to relax a little bit more. Can my Joonie do that for me?”
“Again,” he begs before he realizes what he’s saying.
“What again, Joon?”
“Yours.”
Seokjin looks confused, still circling his finger gently around Namjoon’s hole.
“Yours, Jinnie.”
“Oh,” Seokjin realizes. “My Joonie. My Joonie, mine always.”
Namjoon takes a deep breath, succumbing to the drifting feeling, and Seokjin smiles at him.
“So pretty, my Joonie, so good.”
He’s so far down that he barely realizes that Seokjin has two fingers in him until he starts to stretch him gently. Seokjin leans down to kiss him, and the rest of the prep flashes by in a blur.
“So good for me,” Seokjin purrs as he pulls his fingers out. “Help me, Joon-ah.”
He feels Seokjin tug on his hip, pushing him up until he can put a pillow underneath him. He lines himself up and pushes slowly into Namjoon, and he stops breathing as he starts to feel full. He goes lightheaded for a moment until Seokjin breathes deeply right next to his ear.
“Stay with me, Joonie. Breathe, love.”
Namjoon breathes in, but he can’t stay with Seokjin. He’s lost somewhere, feeling how Seokjin stretches him out, buried so deep inside him that their stomachs touch.
“More,” he hears himself say, though he’s not sure how, because his brain is totally detached from his mouth. Seokjin pulls out slowly before pushing back in, and he begs again.
Seokjin adjusts his position between Namjoon’s legs and starts to thrust into him with more rhythm. He’s not going to last long, but he begs Seokjin for more, more. He needs it, needs Seokjin pushing into him, making a place for himself deep inside Namjoon.
“You feel so good, Joonie,” he hears, and he opens his eyes, not sure when he’d closed them. “You’re so perfect.”
It feels so good, the words feel so good, and he grabs for Seokjin’s hands as he sobs with how good it feels, and then he’s coming without even being touched. Seokjin yanks one hand free and strokes him through his orgasm, bringing the other up to his mouth so that he can kiss Namjoon’s fingers.
He can barely feel anything but pleasure, and then Seokjin’s movement stutters, hips thrusting irregularly before he comes, spilling deep inside Namjoon. He can feel it, he can feel it, feel how Seokjin fills him. With one more tiny thrust, Seokjin comes a little more, and Namjoon thinks maybe he comes again before he’s just gone, everything going white as he feels Seokjin lower himself down, and he’s gone.
It takes a long time for him to come back, and he fights it for a moment before he can hear Seokjin’s voice, whispering to him soothingly.
“You did so good, Joonie. So amazing, so beautiful, so perfect.”
He listens to Seokjin for a moment before opening his eyes. They’ve only moved a little, Seokjin rolling them over so that Namjoon is laying on his chest with Seokjin still buried inside him. Namjoon looks at him.
Seokjin is radiant.
Seokjin is wonderful, brown eyes looking down at him with so much love and affection that he almost wants to look away, but he can’t, because Seokjin is his entire world right now.
“Welcome back, Joonie. You are back, right?”
He blinks at Seokjin, not really understanding the question, because he’s still floating, Seokjin’s arms the only thing tethering him to the ground. He presses his face into Seokjin’s chest, kissing as much of him as he can reach, and tries to grip him tighter. He wants to sink into Seokjin, and he’s a little frustrated that there’s no way to get closer, but he settles for trying to feel every place they’re touching.
As he’s cataloguing the color Seokjin’s skin turns when tugs it in between his teeth, Seokjin shifts, sitting them both up. It makes him slide partway out of Namjoon, and he wants to cry at how bad that feels. He can hear that Seokjin is saying something to him, but he’s also lifting Namjoon off of him at the same time, and when he’s all the way out, Namjoon does actually cry. He can feel Seokjin’s come dripping out of him, and that makes everything even worse. He feels like he’s losing something precious, and the tears keep streaming as Seokjin pulls the covers up over them.
He hadn’t even noticed that he was cold, but now he can’t stop shivering. Everything feels bad for a moment, but then Seokjin gently brushes his thumb under Namjoon’s eye, wiping the tears away.
“You’re okay, love. I’m so proud of you, Namjoonie. I know it feels bad right now, but everything is okay. I love you.”
He runs his hands up and down Namjoon’s back, stopping at the top to brush through his hair.
“Empty.” His voice is raspy and quiet, but Seokjin hears him.
“Oh, love,” he says before sliding one hand down and finding Namjoon’s hole. He rubs slowly for a moment before gently pushing two fingers inside. It’s not enough, but it makes him feel a lot less bad, and when Seokjin kisses him over and over, that helps too.
Eventually he feels a little more normal, but he keeps clinging to Seokjin.
“Jinnie.”
“Hey, Joonie.”
“Jinnie.”
“Yes, Joonie?”
“Thank you.”
Seokjin squeezes him tighter.
“Of course, Joonie. My Joonie.”
The next morning, when the sun streams in too brightly through the hotel curtains, Namjoon tucks himself into Seokjin’s side, whispering “I love you” over and over and over.