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It is an ordinary day in the Cloud Recesses when Lan Wangji wakes up, except for how inordinary it is.
For one, he wakes up in the Jingshi, not alone, but with someone in his arms, warm breath against his neck. He startles, and moves to shift away, drawing a discontented whine from the other man.
“Just a little longer,” the man tells him sleepily, tightening his arms around Lan Wangji’s midriff. “Just...a little...longer, er-gege.”
Lan Wangji extracts himself from the other man, all the same, but he blessedly doesn’t wake, just grumbles in his sleep, and drags the covers Lan Wangji has dislodged in his quick escape over himself.
Lan Wangji watches the other man’s breathing even out, and then readies himself to start the day.
He has to see his brother.
–
Lan Xichen levels him with a look when Lan Wangji recounts his morning to him.
“You do not remember Wei-gongzi?”
Wei-gongzi.
That’s who was in his bed.
His brother had not sought clarification, had not needed further information to assess who the man in Lan Wangji’s chambers, in Lan Wangji’s bed, is.
Lan Wangji does not know a Wei-gongzi, does not understand how he could come to share his bed with this Wei-gongzi, but it’s clearly a common enough occurrence for Lan Xichen not to be surprised by it.
Lan Wangji shakes his head.
“He is not going to be pleased to hear that,” Lan Xichen murmurs under his breath, and Lan Wangji frowns at that. “Wangji, you…”
Lan Wangji can see the way Lan Xichen is searching for the appropriate words, and knows that Lan Xichen has unwanted news to break to him. His brother has always been kind, always been considerate of Lan Wangji’s feelings, even where there is no cause for concern.
Lan Wangji is old enough to deal with his emotions without needing his brother to filter them out for him.
“You can be frank,” Lan Wangji tells him, and Lan Xichen smiles, just barely.
“We should visit the elders,” he tells Lan Wangji, instead.
–
They tell him that he’s been cursed.
They tell him that they will look through the scrolls in the library to find a way to undo it.
Some of the elders offer that it might not be a bad thing that he’s forgotten, if all he has forgotten is Wei Wuxian.
Nobody tells him who Wei Wuxian is.
Lan Wangji thinks he can guess.
–
Lan Wangji doesn’t ask, and Lan Xichen doesn’t tell him, but he doesn’t decline his brother’s offer to walk him back to the Jingshi, later that day.
They have barely entered the yard when bubbling laughter can be heard from inside.
Lan Wangji sneaks a look at Lan Xichen. Lan Xichen does not appear perturbed or surprised at this. Lan Wangji interprets this to mean that this –the laughter, the loudness– to be a common occurrence in the Jingshi.
His footsteps still. For the first time today, Lan Wangji is unsure.
“Wangji?” Lan Xichen murmurs, turning back to look at Lan Wangji.
“Xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji says. “I…”
Lan Xichen smiles at him. “You want to know about Wei-gongzi,” he guesses correctly.
“Mn.” When Lan Xichen doesn’t offer more information, Lan Wangji says, tentatively, “He is very different.”
Different from the average Gusu Lan Sect disciple.
Different from how Lan Wangji would imagine his partner to be.
Lan Xichen smiles. “Wei-gongzi is very different,” he affirms. “I believe you like that about him a lot.”
Does he? Would he?
Another peal of laughter rings from inside the Jingshi. Lan Wangji cannot imagine condoning such noise in Cloud Recesses, cannot imagine allowing Wei Wuxian to act this way, but he must have, for it to be a regular occurence.
“Xiongzhang-”
“Lan Zhan?” The doors of the Jingshi slide open, and Wei Wuxian bounces out. “Lan Zhan, A-Yuan is here for dinner!” He grins when he sees Lan Xichen. “Xiongzhang, will you join us for dinner?”
Lan Wangji looks at his brother, imploring.
Lan Xichen claps a gentle hand over Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. “There is something you should know.”
–
The smile slides off Wei Wuxian’s face when he hears the news.
The change is stark – Wei Wuxian’s eyes almost glow a menacing shade of red. He looks dangerous, looks like he would fight the entire cultivation world to protect Lan Wangji.
Lan Wangji looks away, thrown at the emotion he feels at the thought.
‘Is this why? Is this why I chose him?’ Lan Wangji thinks to himself.
“Who?” Wei Wuxian grits out, fingers tightening over his flute. The same grip is steadfast against his shoulder; Lan Wangji wonders idly if the touch should feel familiar. “Who would dare do this to him?”
“We are still investigating,” Lan Xichen tells him.
Lan Wangji watches as Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen have a silent conversation over his head, and it registers then how long-standing their relationship must’ve been, how long Wei Wuxian must’ve stayed here in Cloud Recesses, with Lan Wangji, for him to achieve this level of familiarity with Lan Wangji’s brother.
There is a pang in his chest – fear of the unknown? Sorrow for not remembering? Regret for his inability to relate?
Wei Wuxian visibly calms down. “Sorry,” he murmurs, and takes a step away from where he’s pressed close against Lan Wangji. He removes his hand from Lan Wangji’s shoulder. “Lan Zhan- Lan er-gongzi.” He smiles at Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji does not have to know him well to be able to say that the smile seems forced. “If I have made you uncomfortable, I apologise.”
Wei Wuxian bows, perfect and formal, but-
Distant.
Lan Wangji’s chest aches again, inexplicably.
How had this man wormed his way into Lan Wangji’s heart? How would Lan Wangji have accepted the loud presence in his life, the wry curve of Wei Wuxian’s smile, deep set of his frown, the way he wears all of his expressions so blatantly on his face?
His brother’s presence, calm and steadying, helps.
He bows back, does not react to Wei Wuxian’s flinch when he does, and says, “If anyone has been discomforted in this situation, it is probably Wei-gongzi.”
“Wei Ying,” Wei Wuxian blurts out, as though he cannot keep the words within himself. And then, calmer, gentler, “You’ve always called me Wei Ying. I would be most obliged if Lan er-gongzi would continue.”
To refuse would be to bring Wei Wuxian sorrow. To bring Wei Wuxian sorrow would be unkind.
Wei Wuxian is his cultivation partner. His husband.
He has done nothing to deserve Lan Wangji forgetting him.
Lan Wangji may not remember, but he can understand.
“Wei Ying may continue addressing me as Lan Zhan, in that case,” he allows, and watches as Wei Wuxian’s frown turn up into a smile.
–
Wei Wuxian offers to move out of the Jingshi until Lan Wangji recovers his memories, after Lan Xichen leaves.
“Unnecessary,” Lan Wangji tells him, even though he should agree. His personal space is important to him. For him to have to share that with someone he doesn’t even know would be...difficult.
But Wei Wuxian isn’t supposed to be someone that Lan Wangji doesn’t know.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says quietly, and Lan Wangji turns to face him. “It’s okay,” he tells him. “It’s okay if you want to be alone.” He looks terribly sad when he says it, but Lan Wangji knows deep in his gut that Wei Wuxian is sincere when he says it, that he will leave Lan Wangji alone if Lan Wangji wishes it so.
Is this why?
“I do not,” he says, eventually. “I do not want to be alone.”
“I can stay,” Wei Wuxian tells him, tentative. “Or I can leave, and tell xiongzhang to come back.”
Lan Wangji is suffused with an emotion he cannot name.
He may not be able to remember Wei Wuxian, but Wei Wuxian’s role in his life is apparent. He is staying within Cloud Recesses, dressed in Lan Sect colours. The elders may not be fond of him, but he was clearly accepted into the Sect.
Did Lan Wangji do that? Did he fight for Wei Wuxian to be able to stay? Or had Wei Wuxian wormed his way into everyone else’s hearts the way he did with Lan Wangji too?
The point is this – Lan Wangji may not remember, but Wei Wuxian does.
Wei Wuxian is within his rights to lay claim on Lan Wangji, to demand that Lan Wangji let him stay in the Jingshi because it must be as much Wei Wuxian’s residence as it is Lan Wangji’s. Lan Wangji’s amnesia has inconvenience Wei Wuxian most of all, and he should be upset, should be angry at Lan Wangji, but he isn’t.
Instead.
Instead, all Lan Wangji can read off Wei Wuxian is worry. Worry for Lan Wangji’s wellbeing, worry that he is discomforting Lan Wangji, worry that he will be unwanted in Lan Wangji’s life.
Is this why Lan Wangji chose him?
“Unnecessary,” he says, instead of voicing the turmoil in his mind. “You may stay.”
Wei Wuxian does not share his bed that night, even though Lan Wangji is expecting it, had done his best to prepare himself to accept Wei Wuxian’s proximity.
Wei Wuxian sets out a mat by the bed, instead, and settles there; Lan Wangji does not stop him.
“If you need me,” Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji quietly, as Lan Wangji draws the covers over himself, “I’ll be right here.”
“Mn,” Lan Wangji says, and falls asleep to the quiet puffs of breaths Wei Wuxian lets out.
–
Lan Wangji does not sleep well, because Wei Wuxian does not sleep.
He can tell Wei Wuxian is trying his best not to fidget, trying his best to stay silent, possibly in an attempt to keep himself from disrupting Lan Wangji’s sleep.
Lan Wangji almost asks Wei Wuxian to share his bed.
He does not.
–
Lan Xichen does not bring them good news the next day, nor the days in the following week.
Lan Wangji tries to go about his life as if nothing is wrong. It is not hard; it is impossible to be inconvenienced by something he doesn’t remember, it is impossible to miss what he never knew he had.
Wei Wuxian tries, as well, with much less success. He is neither sleeping nor eating well, even if he does try to hide it behind an ever-present smile and words that are too cheerful to truly reflect what he is thinking.
Logically, Lan Wangji knows it is not his fault –he did not choose to lose his memories of Wei Wuxian–, but he is not completely without fault.
Wei Wuxian is his cultivation partner, his husband, for better or for worse. This is true, and will remain so until Wei Wuxian decides otherwise. Lan Wangji has the power to make it better, to make the situation more bearable for Wei Wuxian, whether or not he is consciously aware of such abilities.
Wei Wuxian has been more than considerate of Lan Wangji’s feelings in the past week; it is the least Lan Wangji can do to return the gesture.
Wei Wuxian is an exemplary partner, from what Lan Wangji can tell.
He moves in tandem with Lan Wangji, often knowing what Lan Wangji needs before Lan Wangji has to say it. He understands Lan Wangji’s silence, understands his looks, interprets Lan Wangji’s monosyllabic replies with ease. It’s the sort of familiarity that comes with time, that speaks of chemistry, compatibility, of the years they have been with each other.
But above that, the thing about Wei Wuxian that stands out the most is...how he looks at Lan Wangji.
There is a certain softness in his gaze that makes Lan Wangji’s heart thud just that bit faster in his chest, that makes Lan Wangji’s breath catch when he is least expecting it.
It speaks of- Of something that feels remarkably like…
Lan Wangji thinks he can understand now why he chose Wei Wuxian.
–
He tries, one morning.
Wei Wuxian has taken to arising at five in the morning together with Lan Wangji, since Lan Wangji lost his memory. Lan Wangji has gathered from the startled looks on the junior disciples’ faces that it is extremely out of character for Wei Wuxian. Lan Wangji himself is not surprised by Wei Wuxian’s actions – he knows how little Wei Wuxian has been sleeping.
They generally wash and dress for the day separately, moving past each other with ease and in silence.
Wei Wuxian does not seek to break the comfortable silence of the morning, content to let Lan Wangji have his peace, even though Lan Wangji has gathered that it is not consistent with his character to stay so quiet for so long.
He turns to regard Wei Wuxian, who is putting his hair up in the messy half-knot that he usually wears.
There is a reason why he chose this man, why he promised himself to Wei Wuxian. Lan Xichen was right in telling him that no-one else beyond himself would be able to tell him why.
Lan Wangji thinks he wants to know, and so he makes his way to Wei Wuxian, settles down by his side, and asks, “Will you do mine as well today?”
Wei Wuxian visibly startles at the question, eyes wide and lips parted.
It makes Lan Wangji reflect on the past week, on how he hasn’t been trying with Wei Wuxian, on little care he has given Wei Wuxian. It discomforts him.
“Did you use to?” he asks.
“Sometimes,” Wei Wuxian says, relaxing slightly, moving to kneel behind Lan Wangji. He brings the comb up, and gently brings it through Lan Wangji’s hair. “I don’t usually wake up early enough for this.” He lets out a soft, self-deprecating huff. “But sometimes, when I do, I would.”
It is...intimate, to have someone’s hand in his hair, to cede so much control to another person, but Lan Wangji doesn’t think he quite minds the soothing motions of Wei Wuxian’s hand.
Wei Wuxian runs through the motions of parting Lan Wangji’s hair and fastening it in the way Lan Wangji prefers to wear with great proficiency; it is over too soon.
Wei Wuxian almost takes the forehead ribbon laying on the table when he’s done, but stills his hand before he touches it. “I’ll let you finish yourself,” Wei Wuxian says, with a smile that doesn’t feel like a smile.
Lan Wangji’s heart aches at the look. He says, “You can finish it for me today.”
Wei Wuxian meets his eyes in the mirror, and a smile blooms on Wei Wuxian’s face. It’s the first real smile that Wei Wuxian has directed at Lan Wangji since the news of his amnesia, and it steals Lan Wangji’s breath away.
‘Like sunlight,’ he thinks, unbidden.
Wei Wuxian’s fingers close over Lan Wangji’s forehead ribbon, and oh.
This is what it feels like to be in love.
–
He learns from Lan Sizhui the reason why Wei Wuxian is not eating well.
“You should have told me,” he admonishes, after, when he brings their meal into the Jingshi.
Wei Wuxian stares at the food Lan Wangji has brought him, and tears up. “Lan Zhan,” he murmurs.
“I do not remember,” Lan Wangji tells him, not unkindly. “I am relying on you to tell me that I am doing right by you.”
“You do not remember,” Wei Wuxian parrots back to him quietly. “And I don’t want to inconvenience you.”
“If the things I did were not of inconvenience to me before,” Lan Wangji says, not just speaking of preparing food that is too spicy for him to comprehend Wei Wuxian enjoying, “then they will not start being an inconvenience now.”
If I had chosen you before, I will not forsake you now.
Wei Wuxian smiles at him like he understands, and maybe he truly does.
–
Lan Wangji stops Wei Wuxian, when Wei Wuxian is spreading out his sleeping mat that night.
He has solved the problem of Wei Wuxian’s bad appetite, and he thinks that he can guess the cure to Wei Wuxian’s insomnia as well.
“Sleep with me tonight,” he tells Wei Wuxian.
Wei Wuxian stills, and he does not turn around to face Lan Wangji when he demurs.
Lan Wangji reaches out, closes his fingers over Wei Wuxian’s wrist. “Wei Ying,” he says gently, and Wei Wuxian lets himself be brought to bed, to be laid out with gentle hands.
Wei Wuxian curls into his warmth when Lan Wangji joins him, after putting out the candles in the room. Lan Wangji has only bare moments to enjoy the surprisingly pleasant sensation, before Wei Wuxian pulls away, and apologises.
“It’s okay,” Lan Wangji tells him.
He is Wei Wuxian’s husband, he thinks, not without a sliver of satisfaction; it is natural for Wei Wuxian to want to seek comfort in him.
Wei Wuxian smiles at him tiredly. “You don’t have to put yourself out to accommodate me,” he tells Lan Wangji quietly. “You never used to like being touched, before we got together. I know it’s hard for you. I’m just happy to have you close like this, Lan Zhan. I don’t want you to have to discomfort yourself for me.”
In reply, Lan Wangji tugs him close, lets Wei Wuxian snuggle into his embrace.
“Lan Zhan, I’ve missed you terribly,” Wei Wuxian confesses into the crook of Lan Wangji’s neck.
Lan Wangji is quiet for a long moment, thrown by the warmth in his chest at Wei Wuxian’s words. Then, “Did we use to sleep like this every night?”
“Mn,” Wei Wuxian confirms. “You used to enjoy it too, even though I know it must be hard to believe that now.”
Lan Wangji considers it, and then says, honest, “Not hard.”
Wei Wuxian looks up at him, and traces gentle fingers over his features softly. “You’re lying to be considerate of my feelings again. How very you, Hanguang Jun.”
“Lying is forbidden,” Lan Wangji says with practised ease.
Wei Wuxian smiles. “I know you know how to break the rules, sweetheart.”
Lan Wangji’s heart thuds at the endearment.
He must look as stunned as he feels, because Wei Wuxian looks embarrassed for a moment. “Sorry,” he murmurs sheepishly. “I promised I would tone it down.”
“Don’t,” Lan Wangji says, unable to help himself. “It is not displeasing.”
Wei Wuxian’s smile is very knowing, and of course it is. He has been Lan Wangji’s husband for many years, has known him for even longer. Even if Lan Wangji is unwilling to admit it to Wei Wuxian at this point, surely, surely Wei Wuxian must be able to tell.
Wei Wuxian brings his hand to rest over Lan Wangji’s chest, right above where his heart is beating to a rhythm Lan Wangji thinks must be familiar to Wei Wuxian.
“You fall very easily, huh, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian says.
“Maybe because it’s still you,” Lan Wangji says, with a certainty that he should not have.
His instincts tell him that it’s true.
Wei Wuxian smiles at him like he’s hung the moon.
Lan Wangji almost tells him that he would, if only Wei Wuxian would keep smiling at him like that.
–
They don’t get any closer to finding a cure for the curse, or even finding the culprit who placed the curse on Lan Wangji.
Lan Wangji asks Wei Wuxian to show him, in the privacy of the Jingshi one night. “Empathy,” he tells Wei Wuxian. “I know you can.”
Wei Wuxian hesitates. “I can,” he tells Lan Wangji. “But I shouldn’t. We have our share of good moments, but…” He looks away from Lan Wangji. “I also caused you much grief. It may be for the best that you forgot those parts.”
“If you were in my place, would you choose to forget the unhappy parts?” Lan Wangji asks, frowning, and Wei Wuxian ends up relenting.
–
He sees it in segments:
The punishment in the library.
His forehead ribbon on Wei Wuxian’s wrist.
Wei Wuxian distancing himself.
The cliff at Nightless City.
Wei Wuxian returning in Mo Xuanyu’s body.
He relives every kiss they shared, hears every promise they made to each other. He sees them finally, finally completing their three bows at Cloud Recesses, even though he knows he must’ve considered their union complete way before that. He sees the way his own eyes light up and hears the punched-out breath he takes when Wei Wuxian calls him husband for the first time.
He kisses Wei Wuxian when he comes out of Empathy, kisses him and kisses him and kisses him, because he cannot imagine not kissing him, not cherishing him, not loving him.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian breathes out, when they part for air.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji returns, softly.
“You remember?” Wei Wuxian asks. There is naked hope in his eyes, and for a second, Lan Wangji almost wants to lie, just to keep Wei Wuxian happy.
“No,” he ends up saying honestly.
Wei Wuxian’s face falls.
“Doesn’t change,” Lan Wangji tells him, insistent. “Love you, still.”
Wei Wuxian looks at him, eyes wet with tears. “Lan Zhan,” he murmurs, lips trembling.
“I think,” Lan Wangji says softly, “that every version of me loves you. Even stripped of my memory, I can’t help but want to love you.”
Wei Wuxian kisses him through his tears.