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It happened by accident, it really truly did, and despite the way most people say these things happen by accident when in fact they were searching whole heartedly for the exact thing they are “appalled” to find–
–This time, it really happened by accident.
And it wasn’t Tony’s fault.
It really, really wasn’t.
It was almost Steve’s birthday– or at least it was almost Captain America’s birthday. The All American hero had to have an All American birthday and nothing was more All American than the fourth of July, right?– and Tony had been looking forever for a half decent present for his teammate/friend/horribly unrequited and fairly embarrassing crush.
It was harder than he’d thought to find Steve a present.
A car seemed too outrageous and Steve was a literal hazard anytime he was behind the wheel of anything, and Tony didn’t relish shelling out money for a car only to have it flung at some asshole on the street because Steve didn’t have his shield and wanted to shut the guy up.
Sound ridiculous? Well that’s what had happened to Sam’s motorcycle two months previous and Sam was STILL bitching about it, as was the shop owner whose display was obliterated by an anti-hate-speech motorcycle shaped projectile.
Steve loudly and proudly maintained his position of “Talk Shit, Get Hit” and you know, no one was actually mad a Nazi got a motorcycle thrown at them, but Tony really didn’t want a beautifully classic car being chucked through the window of a high rise because Steve saw someone disrespecting their partner or– God forbid– yelling at a dog.
No. A car was a terrible idea.
A card was too impersonal, even though Tony knew Steve kept each and every card and bit of fan mail from everyone ever stuffed in a box beneath his bed. Cap was ridiculously sentimental and Tony loved him desperately for it, but he didn’t want to be just another card in a box full of mementos.
Money was a complete no. Steve had been utterly scandalized the first time Tony had flicked money at him and told him to go buy something pretty, so Tony couldn’t just wad up some cash and shove it down the back pocket of those ridiculously well cut jeans.
So after much deliberation and quite a few discarded ideas, Tony decided to go the cheesy route. Get Steve some ridiculous Captain America paraphernalia. Star spangled pajama pants. A build a bear with a shield. A t-shirt. Something.
And that was how Tony had ended up stumbling upon– and it was a completely accidental stumble, mind you, he couldn’t stress that enough– what amounted to soft core porn starring one very nearly nude Captain America.
Tony had been staring at the almost porn for at least three hundred years now, and he wasn’t inclined to stop anytime soon.
It was… it was ridiculous. It was fantastic. It would be burned into Tony’s retinas from now until the end of time.
Steve wearing skinny jeans that hung way too far off his hips and had no business being unzipped to there.
A T shirt pulled half way up revealing beautifully cut abs and the hint of a nipple that was so sexy Tony actually had to wipe drool up from his keyboard.
Captain-Better-Endowed-Than-Tony-Had-Thought wearing nothing more than red silk brief stretched tight across America’s ass as low lit blue lamps cast shadows over his skin.
Looking half asleep, hair rumpled and lips parted like he was gasping, eyes half lidded and sultry as hell and Tony whistled, “Fuckin’ Pillow Princess.” before he caught himself and managed to feel at least a tiny bit ashamed.
Up on his knees with his head cocked up and hands buried in his hair, a pose right off the cover of about a thousand nudie mags Tony may or not have purchased as a teenager.
“Look at you and your soft core porn stage.” Tony ran his fingers over the computer screen and only barely resisted the impulse to touch That Package that he’d never imagined could look so good framed in denim. “My god Cap, when were you so hard up for money you had to flash some nip-nops to pay for–”
Tony cocked his head and thought back for a minute. When Steve had first woken up, SHIELD took care of his room and board, and even after he moved off campus to an apartment, they had paid for that as well, so it wasn’t like he’d done The Thing they had all considered doing in college and flashed some skin to pay the electric bill.
And after New York, the entire team had moved into the Tower and now Tony paid the bills, so it wasn’t as if Cap had any outstanding debt these days that would require him posing with his– gulp– hand down the back of his pants for some reason.
Which meant that Steve had had these pictures taken for a specific reason and most likely a private reason. Boudoir style photos for a girlfriend–boyfriend? Oh could Tony only hope his favorite Red White and Stupidly Hot swung his way– or even perhaps for a private collector, a more than enthusiastic fan?
Either way, these pictures shouldn’t have come up in a search for cheesy Captain America merchandise, that was for damn sure.
“Jarvis.” Tony took one last, lingering look at a shot of Steve braced against the door and looking over his shoulder at the worlds luckiest camera. “Jarvis, trace the original uploader of these photos and tell me if its someone legit. A photography studio, anything like that.”
“Sir?”
“These sort of photos aren’t meant to be online for anybody to stare at, which means someone did it without Steve knowing, and Cap will be about fifty shades of embarrassed as hell if it gets out. Figure out who put them online and ruin their life. No one is going to distribute soft core porn of Steve without facing the consequences and I won’t stand for–”
”The computer that uploaded the photos is registered inside the Tower, sir. Specifically in Captain Rogers apartment, specifically the computer you purchased for him last week.“
”…uh…what?“
”Time stamp of the file shows it to have been uploaded fifty seven minutes ago from Captain Rogers room.“
"I–I–” Tony blinked at the pictures a few more times. “Steve uploaded these?”
“Yes sir.”
“Oh my god, I think I need to lie down for a minute.”
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Tony hated himself for getting back online after his….nap… and trying to pull up the pictures again, but he hated it even more when he realized the pictures were gone.
“Jarvis?”
“Captain Rogers removed the photos a few moment ago, sir.”
“…damn it.”
It was literal torture to get through the rest of day as normal as possible. Steve was as easy going as ever, joking around with Clint and hauling Natasha back onto his lap when she fussed about having to sit on the floor when Sam sprawled over the couch. Pepper swooped in with dinner and a hug for everyone, and Steve gave her a perfectly innocent kiss on the cheek just like he always did.
Perfectly innocent as if Tony hadn’t just seen those same lips wrapped rather provocatively around a Popsicle in a photo a few hours earlier.
Steve wore his khakis up around his waist where they belonged but Tony cocked his head and stared because once he’d seen Steve in those slutty skinny jeans with the button undone and zipper yanked down, he’d never be able to see him in anything else.
A blue t shirt that wasn’t sexy in the least and Tony about drilled holes through it with his gaze trying to find a hint of All American Nipple underneath.
Maybe he’d throw out everything of Steve’s that fit even remotely well and then fill his closet with crop tops and low rise jeans as a birthday present. That was a valid birthday present right? Maybe some cherry lip balm? Because Steve had to have been wearing lip balm in that one photo with his fingers and the–
“Hey, you’ve been quiet all evening.” Steve dropped onto the couch next to Tony and put a friendly hand at his knee. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s–everything’s fine.” Good god, had Steve’s thighs always been that big or was Tony just now noticing since he’d seen them with a hint of lace? “How are things on your end?”
“Well, I was thinking about my birthday–” Steve was drawing idle circles on Tony’s leg with his thumb and Tony couldn’t have put a sentence together if he’d wanted to. “–and you always ask me what I want and I never have any ideas?”
“Birthday.” Tony didn’t look away from Steve’s fingers. “Want. Yep?”
“And I’ve been getting into some modeling lately–”
“Uh huh, modeling–” Wait what? “Uh sorry, did you say modeling?”
“And for the type of pictures I wanted, I’d be more comfortable if you were taking them.” Steve finished casually, his hand somehow clear up Tony’s thigh now. “Sam did a good job with the first ones, but you know. Seems a little odd for Sam to take those pictures when they aren’t for him.”
“Pictures.” Tony’s eyes went very wide. “You took– Sam– the ones online? You want me to– but are they for–oh.”
“Take a hint, Tony.”
“But the–uploaded– then gone– I stared for like an hour– I mean, not– nope.” Tony shook his head and tried to reboot his thought process. “I was shopping for cheesy Captain America merchandise and stumbled on those. How–?”
“I had Jarvis drop them on your computer the moment you logged in and take them down when you went to take a–” Steve raised his eyebrows meaningfully. “Nap.”
“Fuck my life.” Tony muttered, scarlet to the roots of his hair at the thought of Steve knowing what he’d done. “So they weren’t actually on the internet? Just for me?”
“I’d throw myself back in the ocean if anyone else ever saw them.” Steve admitted with just enough shyness to make Tony about melt right through the floor. “Sam was weirdly cool about taking them for me but uh– yeah those were just for you.”
“Wow.” Tony whistled, and then whistled again, eyes widening and a grin just past ecstatic splitting his face.“Oh god, I’m going to enjoy this, aren’t I?”
“Only if you’re half as crazy about me as I am about you.”
“Oh my god.” Tony was nearly vibrating on his seat in excitement. “I get to do soft core porn with Captain America. This is the best day of my life. I mean also yay that you like me, because I’m about head over heels for you, babe. But seriously? Soft core porn? Its fucking wonderful.”
“It’s supposed to be boudoir photography.” It was Steve’s turn to blush. “Please stop calling it soft core porn ”
"I absolutely will not.”