Work Text:
Prologue
“The problem is that both parts of our favourite couple have been residents of Kansas for over sixty days…”
“That is the problem?” Sam demanded, looking at Dean’s best friend, already wary of what he was about to reply. “You really think with –“
Crowley raised a hand. “Now, now, Moose. We agree that this is our only chance.”
“You think it is our only –“
“Do you have any other suggestions?”
Sam didn’t answer. They both knew he hadn’t.
And yet. This was without the doubt the stupidest plan he had ever heard.
But, the treacherous part of his brain whispered, it is Crowley’s stupid plan. And Crowley’s plans have a habit of working out.
He almost groaned. No. he was not contemplating this, he was not actually wondering if it could work –
Only he was.
And Crowley knew it, the bastard. “Look” he began, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs, his Armani suit pristine as always. “Let us analyse the situation. We are lawyers among ourselves, after all.” He raised a finger. “What do we want? We want a happy Squirrel. As happy as he can be, in fact. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Sam could only nod. If there was one thing Dean deserved above all after the start he’d had, after everything he’d done for him growing up, it was happiness.
Crowley raised another finger. “And, has he been happy?”
Sam shook his head. He knew from experience that, if he were to interrupt, Crowley would only draw this out even more than he already did.
“No. As a matter of fact, I would argue that he has been profoundly miserable as of late. Desolate, sorrowful, downcast, crestfallen… quite frankly, he has been all of that and more.”
Sam nodded again. It was only too true. Ever since… well, ever since then Dean had not been himself. And it wasn’t that he was drinking too much while brooding; no, he’d stopped doing that somewhere in his early twenties, to Sam’s relief.
No. It was worse. There was an emptiness in his eyes, something of him that was missing; and he was scared that it wouldn’t come back.
“So, we look at what makes Squirrel unhappy, and we remove that obstacle to his blissful life, and everything works out.”
The problem with that logic was that – well, Cas would have to agree. And that, Sam thought with not a little bitterness, was unlikely to happen.
Up to six months ago, he would have called Cas one of his best friends, perhaps his very best friends, on the days when he didn’t consider Dean exactly that because his older brother had been annoying him a little; but ever since he walked out of their shared home and broke Dean’s heart, Sam had barely been able to look him in the eyes.
Mostly because it wasn’t like this had come unexpectedly. Dean had realized they were growing apart and had done his outmost to save the marriage, while Cas had ignored their problems. At least that was what had happened according to Sam. Dean, of course, still desperately in love with his husband and convinced that it was all his fault because, well, this was Dean they were speaking of, defended Cas to this day, claiming he had neglected him when the opposite was true.
If Sam was being honest, he wasn’t sure the marriage was worth saving if it had brought him so much pain.
Crowley, with tat annoying habit of his of seemingly reading everyone’s thoughts, waved a hand in the air. “Oh, I know perfectly well what you are thinking; trust me, I wouldn’t say no to spatter Cassie’s inside all over the countryside myself; but you know Dean as well as I do. And he, whether he likes to admit it or not, knows Castiel the best.”
There was something like wistfulness in his eyes – just for a moment, there one second, gone the next – and Sam couldn’t help but once again wonder whether Crowley ever thought back to the time before Cas, when he and Dean had been each other’s favourite booty calls, with something like regret.
But this was not the time. “So you think…”
“I think – well I came to the conclusion once I had put Dean to bed on that dreadful night – that our dear friend Cas has once again lost his direction while looking at nothing but the big picture. He neglected Dean when he should have worshipped the ground he walked on. And then, instead of realizing that he was just feeling guilty, he decided that their marriage was over.”
“Did you really come to that “conclusion” as quickly as you said?”
To his surprise, Crowley wouldn’t meet his eyes. “No. But Dean made me promise – even though he was barely coherent at that point – that I wouldn’t lay a finger on Cas.”
Even then, even after Cas had informed him their marriage was over and Dean had drunk himself all but into a stop before eventually making his way to Crowley, he had been intent on keeping him safe.
Sam’s hands balled into fists. “Do you really think” he pressed out, “That this will do any good?”
“If It works” Crowley said simply, “Cas will be in the epicentre of Dean’s – Deanness for days. Who could possibly resist that?”
Sam thought that, considering he had thrown it all away, Cas might very well be able to resist.
But he knew better than to say it out loud.
Dean frowned. “And there is no other way?”
Crowley shrugged. “You know me, Squirrel. I only want what’s best for you.”
At least, he decided, that last comment had made Dean smile.
Yes, Cas was bloody lucky that Dean had made him swear not to harm him then. Otherwise…
“Alright, then. Going to Vegas to get our original marriage certificate it is” he sighed.
Careful, now. He had planted the bomb; now he had to let it explode at just the right time. “There is just this one other thing…”
“What other thing?” Dean asked, looking at him with wide eyes.
In truth, if Dean had been completely himself, Crowley would never have dared tell him such an outright lie as he was about to; he would have seen through it in an instant; but he wasn’t himself, hadn’t been since Castiel only shrugged and walked out when he confronted him about the state of their marriage, and so he took a deep breath. “You see, you were married in Vegas in 2012.”
“Hadn’t forgotten”.
Crowley bit back a sarcastic remark and continued, “This raises a problem.”
“Why? I thought we could file for divorce in Kansas, as long as we had been living here for a while…”
He had told Sam that would be a problem. Hah. “Yes, but… well… Vegas only changed the rules about who can apply for a copy of their marriage certificate in 2014.”
Dean frowned. “But we do have a copy.”
“You need a certified one that’s not older than three years if you got married in Vegas before that year. I never said it made sense. Must be why they changed it in the first place.”
“What did they change, exactly? And we can’t just write them an e-mail? I am sure they would –“
“Dean”. Careful, now; he had to appear to be his usual wonderful self but also slightly worried and perhaps a bit angry.
That last part should be easy enough. Dean had clearly lost weight again, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in a while. “I don’t quite know how to say this…”
“You always knew how to say things” Dean interrupted him. “I would have been prepared to swear that’s why you became a lawyer.”
“Mostly I did it for the money, darling, but that’s not the point I am trying to make.”
“Then what are you trying to tell me?” Dean asked, looking slightly impatient now.
Crowley breathed a sigh of relief. The old Dean was still in there. “You and Cassie need to apply for a copy of your marriage certificate in Vegas. Together. In person.”
“In – you are saying –“ Dean swallowed. Since Cas had walked out, they had only communicated through their lawyers – Crowley in Dean’s case and some no-name from another law firm in Cas, since Sam certainly wasn’t going to help him in the divorce. “I’ll have to talk to Cas?” he continued, forcefully casual, if you asked Crowley.
“Don’t worry. For now, I asked Sam to tell him –“
“You sent Sam to Cas? Why?”
“Because he is slightly less likely to forget a promise he made to a certain someone and maim him.”
Dean sighed. “You are taking all of this way too seriously.”
“Oh darling, the serious part hasn’t even begun yet.”
“Sam, can this wait, I have an important appointment with one of my –“
Sam grit his teeth and repeated to himself Don’t hit him, don’t hit him, Dean won’t like it if you hit him. After all, he was doing this for his brother. “This is your marriage we are talking about.”
For one second, he thought he could finally discern some trace of regret in Cas’ voice as he replied, “Dean told me to leave.” It was gone as quickly as it came, however. “And since he decided it would be best for us to split…”
The second Dean had realized that was how Cas saw the situation, he had begun attempting to convince their friends and family that it must have been so; but how well Sam remembered the weeks he’d spent agonizing before their talk, scared to the core of the very event that had then taken place. “Well, you still need to hear this” he said with a tad more force that was strictly necessary. But he couldn’t forget that night…
And to think Sam had considered Cas becoming a social worker, someone who looked after the wellbeing of others, the perfect fit.
“So” he continued, pressing on even though part of him wanted Cas nowhere near Dean again, “get this…”
Cas listened to him, his head tilted to the side.
It was a good thing he had never shown any interest or inclination for the laws of the land, so he would have no idea this was something they had made up.
And it was equally beneficial that Crowley was the one to lie to Dean. Sam didn’t think he could have done it, not even in Dean’s interest.
“So we need to go to Vegas?” Cas asked.
Sam nodded. “I am sure you and Dean can arrange something.”
“I might have to take time off work” he told him, his eyes wide, and Sam repeated his mantra of not hitting him in his head another few times.
“So will Dean, and you know it’s finals season” he pointed out.
Once upon a time, Cas had marked the date in his calendar just so he could make sure Dean didn’t overwork himself. His brother took his duty of care as a college professor very seriously, had done so from the second he had chosen that career.
And so, before he’d met Cas, it had been Sam’s and Crowley’s job to make certain he ate and slept and took break from grading. Then, Cas had taken over, always ready to drag Dean away from his papers.
But that had been then. This was now.
This was a Cas who couldn’t care less about his private life as he saved the world. Sam repeated his mantra one more time just to be on the safe side.
But then…
“That is true” he conceded, “Dean always overworks himself during finals week.”
Sam hadn’t been wrong before; there was something like regret, and something like wistfulness, and something like pain.
Good.
Not that he wanted anyone to suffer – although, considering how he had made Dean feel when he walked out, he might have been inclined to ignore his own morals in this case – but still… if he suffered, that meant that at least part of him wanted Dean back, and since Crowley had so rightly pointed out that getting them back together might mean a happy Dean, that was reason to hope.
“See? It might actually be a good thing for him to get away for a bit after the finals” he said with a stroke of inspiration, “Relax.”
Cas nodded. “Dean can get rather… intense about such things.”
Sam bravely resisted the urge to roll his eyes hard enough that they got stuck. “So that’s why I think it’s a good thing, really. He gets away from it all for a bit.”
“Except from me”. It was as close to an admission of guilt as Sam had yet to hear from Cas’ lips, and again hope reared its head.
“Well, that’s kind of the point, isn’t? You are doing this so you can both move on with their lives. Once you’ve done this, you never have to see each other again – Crowley and your lawyer will make sure of that.” If they let Crowley do what he wanted, he’d probably make sure that Dean definitely would never set eyes on Cas again in a rather… more permanent manner, but there was no need to spell that out for Cas. They had all known each other for too long for him to be unaware of what was going on in that man’s head.
But Crowley seemed to be the last thing on his mind at the moment because he dumbly repeated, “Never have to see each other again?”
Sam shrugged, feigning indifference, or perhaps annoyance. “Some divorced couples stay friends, but you haven’t even spoken to each other on the phone since you broke up. I don’t see any reason why you should contact each other once the divorce is through.”
Cas looked as if the thought had never occurred to him before, as if he had seen this as just a short intermezzo until he returned home and he and Dean picked up where they left off. “But…” he trailed off, looking lost.
Sam almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Then he remembered the blind panic he’d felt that evening when he, coming out of a court room, had listened to Dean’s voicemail and done everything he could to find his brother only to be unable to and to wait for hours for news until Crowley had let him know he was safe and sound, if drunk, at his house.
“And you know Dean hates flying, so you might want to plan a road trip” he said bluntly. Crowley would probably have chosen a more subtle approach, but he had no desire to do so. And if Cas should now suggest that Dean actually got on a plane, he would forget his mantra and –
“Of course not. I would never ask him to get on a plane for me… not now.”
Sam wondered if Cas, too, was remembering the time when Dean had surprised him with tickets to Paris for a second honeymoon. Granted, according to Cas, he had spent most of the flight clutching at his hand or listening to music, but he’d still done what he was most afraid of for his husband.
Good. He should remember.
“I’ll leave you two to work out the details, then” Sam said, leaving without a goodbye.
When he turned around before getting into his car, he saw that Cas still hadn’t moved, despite one of his charges desperately trying to get his attention. Seemed like Dean could still distract him, even after he’d walked out.
“Alright, Winchester, man up. It’s just a phone call. No biggie. You faced down the dean over your funding a week ago; that was scary. This is nothing.”
He’d reached the point where he was talking to himself. Wonderful.
Dean took a deep breath. He could do this. After all, what was calling the love of his life who didn’t want anything to do with him so they could organize a trip and get divorced compared to –
He could think of nothing.
Especially since he’d probably spend the rest of his life wondering where he’d gone wrong –
He swallowed. One crisis at a time. Come on. Do it. You can do this.
He sighed and pulled his phone out of his pocket.
The screen saver was still the picture of him and Cas he had taken on their trip to Paris three years ago. He would have to change it. He’d told himself that since the night Cas walked out, and he hadn’t yet found the strength to do it.
He dialled the number he still knew by heart despite the fact no one memorized phone numbers anymore.
Cas picked up on the first ring, which hadn’t happened in the months leading up to their breakup. Sam must already have spoken to him. “Hello, Dean.”
The familiar greeting made his throat constrict and he had to clear it before replying, “Heya, Cas. How you doing?”
“I’m well, thank you.” A pause. Then, he awkwardly began, “And how –“
“Look, let’s make this easier on us both” Dean decided. “Have you spoken to Sam?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You know, then. I was wondering if perhaps you’d have time two weeks from now…”
Another pause. Then, Cas replied, “That would be… that would work, yes.”
“Your proteges won’t have a problem with you leaving for a while, then?” he asked, much harsher than he had intended. He couldn’t help it. Looking after people, making the world a better place – worthy goals to be sure, but part of him still felt bitter that Cas had never bothered to try and save their marriage. After all, they had sworn to be together till death did them part –
“I think this warrants me taking a vacation” Cas said simply and Dean could breathe again.
“Alright, then. So you don’t mind taking a road trip with me? We could take a plane, I won’t –“
“Dean, there’s no need to force you to –“
“I should have gotten over my hang-up a long time ago anyway –“
“Dean, a road trip is perfectly fine.”
He swallowed. While it was difficult to believe that Cas truly cared for him anymore, it was touching that he didn’t insist on him entering a plane. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Now Cas sounded almost… apologetic? There had been a time when Dean had been able to read him like an open book, and the fact that he couldn’t anymore caused another surge of pain. He closed his eyes for a moment, then said, “Alright, then, talk to you in a few days to hammer out the details?”
“Yes.” Just the one word, just the one acknowledgment that their marriage was truly over.
Dean took another deep breath as they hung up.
A knock on his door, and then Charlie stormed in as she was wont to do. “Hey, I just – Dean, is everything alright?”
“Yes” he said, sounding tired and defeated even to his own ears, “I just talked to Cas, that’s all. We’ll go to Vegas. Get the necessary documents, then end our marriage. Nothing to write home about.”
He turned away so he didn’t have to see the honest pity in her yes. “Dean –“
“Please Charlie don’t. Trust me, others have tried. Just – just don’t.”
She didn’t say anything after that; he thought she had already left; but suddenly, she hugged him, pressed a kiss against his cheek, and was gone.
He still hadn’t looked up.
It was ridiculous, of course; utterly ridiculous; people got divorced all the time. Hadn’t Liz Taylor been married like, what, five times? There. No biggie. Just the ed of an era, as Dean liked to think of it: Well, not liked; there was nothing to like about it; but this was how it was, and there was nothing he could do about it.
A road trip with Cas. The very last time.
He concentrated on grading a few more papers before he went home. It was easier.
Day One
Well, Finals week was dealt with, and now all he had to figure out was how to survive sitting beside his as of now still husband for three days straight. They had decided on one of their subsequent phone calls – and Dean hated how much he still craved to hear his voice – that it would be easier for them to stretch out the nineteen-hour trip to Vegas over that period. After that… well, it was somewhat of an unspoken consensus that Cas would take a plane back to Kansas while Dean had another few days on the road to get a grip of himself before he had to face reality again.
It was probably for the best. Driving Baby around had always helped.
And it was probably a good idea help to be alone… after. After they had finally done away with the final obstacle to their divorce. After they had once and for all decided to throw their marriage away like it was nothing. After…
Well, after.
God, how he still loved him. That was what hurt the most. Dean still loved that son of a bitch with all his heart, and Cas had just walked away without a backward glance.
He knew that Cas had pulled away quite some time before, and he had done his outmost to stop it from happening. But really, he didn’t think he could have succeeded no matter what he did. After all, this was his life; and Dean knew only too well that people rarely came to stay. His own fault that he had believed Cas would.
Just get it over with, he told himself. Just get it over with, you can mourn later.
He put his duffle bag into Baby’s trunk and tried not to spend too much time pathetically staring at the yet-unfilled space next to it, dwelling on the fact that soon, Cas’ bag would be sitting next to his for the last time.
He shook his head and soldiered on.
He had to drop by uni to clarify a few things for the vacation he was taking, and it really ddin’t help that, as always, on the way to his office he passed the place he and Cas had met in in the first place.
Dean didn’t know what prompted him to visit the place. True, he still visited it regularly since it belonged to a good friend of his. But today of all days he should probably have –
“Hello, brother”. At least he didn’t have to explain, since Benny knew of his plans. Their plans. He didn’t ask him how he was. There would have been no point to it.
He gave him a smile that he feared looked anything but cheerful.
Benny’s own a little too bright grin dimmed at the sight of it, but he immediately caught himself. “How about coffee and pecan pie on the house?”
It was, Dean well knew, his way of taking care of his friends, and so he agreed even though he’d never had less of an appetite.
Benny knew him too well to try and cheer him up with platitudes, instead silently keeping him company unless he had to take care of other customers.
He was grateful.
His text alert rang out.
Offer to take care of him still stands, Squirrel.
Crowley never needed to sign his texts. One always knew.
And once again he had the right timing, because it made Dean smile. He probably shouldn’t have felt more cheerful because of the offer, but that was his best friend for you.
When he caught benny’s eyes, the baker looked relived. He must appear to be in even worse shape than he had thought.
He took a deep breath. No choice but to make the best of things.
Cas had agreed to come to the house he had left six months ago so they wouldn’t have to meet up anywhere else. Dean was glad he’d stay downstairs, in the living room at the outmost; he didn’t want him to know that the places where Cas’ things had been in the bathroom and bedroom were still empty. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to fill them.
Cas was punctual, as Dean had known he would be.
He opened the door. Despite having spent a considerable amount of time to prepare himself for setting sight on him again, he felt it like a punch in the gut.
Cas still looked as good as he remembered, which was just unfair because Dean was rather sure he looked awful.
“Hello, Dean. Can I come in?”
It was wrong. This was Cas’ home too. No. Not anymore. He went away without a backward glance. “Of course. Water? Coffee?”
“Nothing for me, thank you” Cas said politely. He, too, was carrying a duffle bag and Dean’s throat constricted as he remembered their countless road trips over the years.
“Let’s go, then.”
Anything was better than to see Cas in their house again. Anything.
He’d been wrong. Suddenly, keeping Cas around the house for a while seemed like a great idea.
Because this, this was too familiar, and comforting because of it in a way, even though at the same time, it felt like Dean’s heart was about to break.
It didn’t make sense, but then, part of him was still insisting that nothing about this made sense, that soon enough, Cas would tell him it was all a big mistake and that they should turn around.
But of course he wouldn’t. He didn’t want Dean anymore, it was that easy.
Too ad he had not yet managed to teach himself not to want him anymore, either.
And yet here they were, like so many times before. Cas riding shotgun, Dean behind Baby’s wheel, rock music blaring through the speakers.
And it was a beautiful day too. A year ago, he would have enjoyed himself immensely. But a year ago, Cas would have wanted to be there with him, and he would have held his hand or chuckled at his jokes. He wouldn’t have been staring out the window in silence.
Yes, it was rather clear that he couldn’t wait to get away from him once and for all.
Cas was looking out the window, knowing that otherwise he’d be caught staring.
He had somehow managed to forget how beautiful Dean was. It seemed incredibly to him now; but it had ben so.
He almost hadn’t managed to greet him properly when Dean had opened the door, he’d been so entranced. It was like… like seeing the sun for the first time after a period of rainy days, as if he could finally breathe again after having been underwater for a long while. As if life suddenly made sense again.
And he didn’t understand. He’d known that their marriage was over before Dean told him, had only put it off due to the inconveniences their splitting up would bring, wouldn’t it? Certainly this was a normal reaction to seeing a beautiful man. And he would always be ready to admit that Dean was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. Even back then, when he had been upset and somewhat adrift in life and a gorgeous young up-and-coming professor had come to his rescue…
It was perhaps for the best that Dean interrupted his train of thought. Although he could have chosen a better topic.
This was awkward, and Dean refused to spend three awkward days on the road. He cleared his throat. “How have you been?”
The words felt wrong on his tongue. He shouldn’t have to ask his husband how he was, what he had been doing. He should have known all of that because they should have been together, like they had promised that day in Vegas.
“I – It’s been – you know. Work.”
He’d forgotten that Cas didn’t do well with awkward, either.
“Me too” he decided to reply. “I mean, you know – finals week’s been hell, but it’s all worth it. And my students did well this year.”
“That doesn’t surprise me. You’re an excellent teacher. Always have been.”
Except for that week after his marriage broke down which he spent at Crowley’s place pitying himself, but Dean wasn’t about to divulge that information. He did have his pride; Cas would know that he had hurt him, but he wouldn’t know how much.
Or how difficult it had been to make Crowley keep his promise once he’d realized how much Dean had been suffering.
“Thank you. What about you and your… charges?”
Dean still thought it had been a wonderful die for Cas to become a social worker. He just wished he hadn’t let himself wrap up in his work so much that he had stopped loving him.
“It has all been very satisfactory” he reported. “Claire has in fact just –“
Dean let his words wash over him. Wrong as it may have been, he had missed his voice so much, the voice that used to whisper against his skin in the dark…
He knew he should have concentrated on what Cas was saying but couldn’t bring himself to.
Eventually, he realized Cas had stopped talking and turned to see him staring at him. “You weren’t listening” he said flatly. “Again.”
Dean wished he could have closed his eyes, but he had to concentrate on driving. It had been one of Cas’ complaints in those last few months whenever Dean tried to take him out on a date; that Dean didn’t seem to be interested in his work. The opposite was true, but the fact had been and continued to be that Dean didn’t just want to talk about nothing but work. He’d wanted to make some stupid small talk, like how he thought the last season of Doctor Sexy hadn’t been up to its usual wonderfully trashy standards, or how he thought a squirrel was currently nesting in the old tree in their backyard. Just something, just a little something so he would have known that his husband was still interested in his life. But instead what he’d gotten had been monologue upon monologue about Cas and the kids he cared for, and while he still found this admirable – thought it wonderful that he had found something he was so passionate about – had it really been too much to ask to have the man he married wanting to talk to him, too? Properly talk?
“Sorry” he mumbled, as always when ca had admonished him. What else was he supposed to do? They were spending another two days on the road together, if he didn’t count today, and today had barely started.
Unexpectedly, Cas felt rather bad when Dean apologized. He hadn’t meant to snap at him. They were after all going to end their marriage, there was no reason Dean had to even pretend anymore that he cared.
But really, why couldn’t he just understand… it was like with him and his students. Cas had a duty of care.
“It’s alright.”
The downright astonished look Dean bestowed on him took him aback. Surely he hadn’t been that neglectful –
A memory intruded.
Six months ago
“And then I convinced the school to give her another chance…” Cas trailed off, frowning. Dean was playing around with his fork and knife instead of listening to him once again. “Dean? I was telling you about Meggie –“
He looked up; at least he appeared somewhat guilty. “I am sorry Cas, but you’ve only spoken about your work in the –“ he glanced at his watch. “Hour that we have been here. And I’ve not had a good day…”
“Neither did Meggie! They almost expelled her!”
Dean sighed but listened from then on.
Now
Cas frowned. In his memory, Dean had seemed more tired and wary than he had believed him at the time. But surely, this could just be him projecting something.
It had just seemed so strange to him that Dean with his big heart wouldn’t care.
It seemed he did though because he suddenly asked, “Could you repeat the story to me? Sorry, I just got lost in thought…”
And Cas enthusiastically told him again, only for him to eventually stop when he realized a few things.
First of all, Dean was clutching the wheel much more tightly than he usually did.
Then, he was frowning – and those creases on his forehead were another proof that he was – well –
Cas had learned to read Dean’s moods soon after they had first met. And right now, he was miserable. Now, he couldn’t believe that this had to do with Dean hearing about his charges; he was too good a man for that, even if the were going to get divorced. So, he gently asked, “Are you okay?”
This time, the car stopped. And it wasn’t one of Dean’s usual breaks; no, it screeched to a halt on the thankfully empty highway.
“Dean, what –“
But his husband – still his husband – was looking at him with wide eyes, his mouth hanging slightly open.
“Dean?” he asked, trying to sound as gentle as possible; maybe things had gone wrong at university, maybe he’d had a fight with Sam or Crowley, maybe he needed help –
Dean seemed to want to say something, but then he just pressed out something that might have been laughter and might have been a sob; he shook his head and turned away, and by the time Cas caught his eyes again, he was wearing a neutral expression. “Everything’s fine Cas.”
“But just now – do you want me to drive for a while?”
Dean shook his head. “We can trade places after lunch.”
Cas thought that this was probably not the best idea, but when Dean wanted to be stubborn, there was nothing he could do about it,
They continued their drive in silence.
This had almost been too much. All this time he’d desperately waited for Cas to ask him something like this, and he was doing it now. And he’d suggested he drove, as if he didn’t trust him. Dean’s handed tightened even more around the steering wheel. He should have told Cas to take a plane. This would not end well – just three days of misery.
But they would have been anyway, wouldn’t they? He was after all on his way to divorce the man he’d believed he’d grow old with.
Yes, back when they had first met and Dean had quickly developed feelings for Cas, things had been awkward, but not like this. Sharing a silence with the guy you were already crushing on pretty badly was different from trying and failing to talk to someone you still loved.
But as to that… he’d find a way to cope. He just had to get this over and done with, and then he’d find a way.
Cas was growing more worried by the minute. He had known that Dean, with his big heart and affection for those he was close to, would be saddened by their separation, but he hadn’t thought that this would cause him to lose his composure like that. He’d never hit the breaks like that, not since Cas could remember.
If anything, driving his car had always relaxed him.
He wrecked his brain for something, anything to say to Dean, and then he realized with something akin to dismay that he couldn’t think of anything but work. Had he really not talked to anyone, not seen anyone recently outside of his job?
In a way, it was logical; the first and best friends he’d met in Lawrence he had made through Dean, and they were all rather short with him, these days. Understandably so, of course – Dean inspired a lot of loyalty in those who knew him best – but still… He hadn’t gone to Benny’s café in a long time, he hadn’t talked to Charlie, he’d barely spent time with Sam…
And when had he and Dean last gone out before he’d ended it? He suddenly realized he couldn’t remember. That was wrong, surely? After all, they were married, if only for a short while longer. He should be able to remember.
But all he could think of were the early days of their courtship.
Ten years ago
Cas’ phone rang and when he saw the selfie that Dena had taken “So you’ll know it’s me” he couldn’t help but smile. When he had first arrived in the city, he’d felt so alone, so adrift; that was a thing of the past, now that he’d met and befriended dean, who had not hesitated to introduce him to his own friends.
And of course Dean himself had quickly become his best friend.
And perhaps, something in him whispered, a bit more.
Cas blushed as he answered, “Hello, Dean.”
“Hi, Cas. I was wondering what you were doing tonight – ”
His heart picked up a pace even though he knew he was being an idiot. There was no reason why he should believe this to be a date; he and Dean often spend time together. “I was – well, I was not really doing anything.”
Dean laughed, although he couldn’t say why. “Not exactly one to beat around the bush, are we, Cas? Pizza and a movie at my place?”
“I would enjoy that” he answered honestly.
Dean laughed again, happy and carefree, and he wanted to hear that sound every day for the rest of his life. “Alright, it’s a date, then.”
And once more, his heart foolishly skipped a beat.
Now
Despite everything, Cas found himself smiling. Glancing at Dean, who was staring to relax, it was difficult not to remember those first few months and the promise they had held…
He blinked. For a moment, he had actually forgotten that he and Dean were getting a divorce. “What are you going to afterwards?” he suddenly blurted out without realizing he’d been about to do so.
“What do you mean?” Dean frowned and Cas suddenly remembered times when he had been allowed to reach out and soothe the wrinkles.
“Well, after – you know –“
“After we get the marriage license? Well, you get a plane, I drive back.” Dean shrugged. “Not really that exciting –“
“No, I mean after we get – after we get –“
“Divorced. It’s not a four-letter-word, Cas. After we get divorced? I’ll continue working at university, meeting friends, you know the drill.”
“But what about us?”
Dean looked at him then and slowly said, “Cas, the whole point of this is that there will no more be an us. Have you forgotten that?”
It seemed that suddenly, he had. “But… we’ll stay friends?”
Dean shrugged again. “If you like.”
But it was the wrong tone of voice. He sounded so flat, so uncaring, as if it didn’t matter if they stayed in contact or not. “Although” he continued”, unaware that Cas was quite suddenly realizing that, whether divorced or not, a part of him had believed that they would eventually get back to seeing or at the very least talking to each other every day, “We haven’t seen each other in months, and we did fine, didn’t we?”
Cas couldn’t speak; his throat felt too dry, remembering what he had been doing the last few months – working, then coming – well, not home, first to a motel room and then a new apartment with takeout, eating alone, being alone – to answer.
“And really, maybe a little distance is what we need” Dean added, as if this made it better.
“You are my best friend” he said quietly. Finally, he’d managed to say something.
“Pretty sure you have to talk to me more than once every six months for that to be true” Dean pointed out. “Any anyway, divorced best friends? Doesn’t sound very realistic to me.”
“I suppose not” Cas eventually answered.
“Where do you want to stop for lunch?” was all the reply he received.
This, Dean decided, was the best approach. Just matter-of-factly state the truth. After all, he probably wouldn’t set eyes on Cas again once things were over and done with. Why should he?
And didn’t more marriages fail than succeed, nowadays? At least he’d read something like that, and then he’d laughed, because it had been back in the days when he had been convinced that he an Cas were in it for the long haul. Ha bloody ha. Guess the joke was on him.
He saw a diner – one of the better-looking ones that he used to idolize in his childhood because they meant clean plates and food that Sammy would actually eat back then – and spontaneously stopped the car. “Looks nice enough, wouldn’t you say?”
Cas just nodded. Maybe he didn’t care, maybe he just didn’t have anything to say; what did it matter?
He had no way of knowing that his ex-husband was rather occupied at the moment. Mostly with remembering.
Ten years ago
“See?” This is where it’s at, man” Dean said cheerfully, pulling the car onto the highway.
Cas still didn’t quite understand why road trips were apparently so important, but it gave him more time he could spend with Dean, so he wasn’t going to complain about it. Dean had picked the music – apparently it was the driver’s God-given right, although Cas couldn’t remember any commandment that suggested as much. He didn’t mind. Dean really loved his music, and when Dean enjoyed something, his whole face lit up in the process, making him look even more beautiful than usual.
For his friend was beautiful. Beautiful and good and kind and –
Cas swallowed. Maybe it had not been a good idea to spend so much time in close space with him.
“You are going to get the hang of it. Man, the games me and Sammy used to make up when we were kids –“ And then something like a shadow passed across Dean’s face, and Cas wanted nothing more than to chase it away. “I mean, we didn’t always have the best times, but still. Most of it was fun,”
Most of it. Not all of it. And from the expression on his face, it wasn’t difficult to guess that the times that had not been fun had in fact been rather the opposite of it. “So where are we going?” he asked to relieve the tension.
Dean immediately relaxed. “No idea. That’s the best thing about road trips.”
No, Cas thought; the best thing about road trips was the fact that the one he had no idea where they were going with was Dean.
Now
“Cas? You okay with stopping here?”
He blinked. He had been so lost in the memories of their first road trip that he hadn’t concentrated on what was happening on their last. “Yes.”
“Alright then.” Dean got out of the car and closed the door with more force than was strictly necessary. Cas followed him.
It really was a nice diner; they had certainly eaten in dirtier places; and they had pecan pie, which Cas knew was sure to raise Dean’s mood.
And yet…
Dean was looking anywhere but at him, and how he longed to have those eyes fixed on him again.
It might not have been the best thing to say, but all he could think of was, “Do you remember our first road trip?”
Dean finally looked up then, and a fond smile crossed his lips. “Oh yes. I all but dragged you out of bed spontaneously for that one, didn’t I? And it was just a long weekend…”
“It was still nice” he said, somewhat weakly. It had been nice. And exhilarating. And enchanting.
Dean chuckled. “Remember when we landed in that bar and that chick named Chastity hit on you? Man, you didn’t know what to do.”
Because I even now barely remember what she looked like, Cas thought. I only had eyes for you. And you looked so beautiful as you laughed…
Feelings, emotions he had thought were long gone were swelling in his chest and he didn’t know what to do about it.
Dean, oblivious to his inner turmoil, ordered for them both because, as always, he knew exactly what Cas wanted. “You and your love for burgers.”
“There is no match for yours” he said automatically because it was true. When had he last had a home-cooked meal, anyway? It must have been before their marriage broke up.
“So, do you still have no idea how to operate a stove?” Dean asked, mirroring his thoughts.
“I did eventually master the microwave” he said, even though the whole thing was a joke at this point. He knew how to cook a few basics – after all, he wouldn’t have made Dean cook all their meals; but he simply had never enjoyed cooking as much as his husband.
“Well then you won’t starve. That’s something” Dean said lightly, even though there was nothing funny about it, at least not to Cas’ ears.
“I guess not.”
Dean nodded. “Your clients need you alive and well.” There was no bitterness in his words; it was just a statement of fact; and yet Cas felt chastised, somehow.
Dean should have known better.
This was a nightmare.
Not because Cas was acting morose or angry or annoyed; quite the contrary; he was acting like on that very first road trip, all shy and adorable, and when he bit into his burger and all but moaned, Dean had a difficult time remembering –
He fled to the toilet. It seemed to be his best option.
With Dean gone, Cas concentrated on his burger, convinced that he just had to get over reminiscencing over their early days together.
It didn’t work.
Ten years ago
“Now” Dean began a lecture, which Cas had decided had probably become a habit for hymn due to his work, “For a successful road trip, there are a few things that just have to be in place, otherwise it’d just be a trip.”
He couldn’t quite follow his logic – as long as the trip was taken on a road, it was a road trip, wasn’t it? – but was content to just sit and listen.
“First of all, then right music. Got that taken care of.”
Cas had gotten the impression that Dean always took care of that, first.
“Second of all – we need to find the right places to eat. Real diners. With good food.” Dean grinned. “You haven’t had a good day on the road unless you’ve had a real American burger.”
When he was silent for a moment, Cas asked, “Is that all?”
“Oh no” Dean flashed him a smile, and Cas had to swallow. “There is one other thing one absolutely has to make sure to have.”
“And that is?”
Dean grinned, then whistled a melody.
“Past time with good company?” Cas asked. He looked impressed.
“Exactly. Can’t have a fun without that” Dean said happily. “And right now, we’re in the best company, wouldn’t you say?”
That sounded like flirting. But Dean often said things that sounded like flirting. Even he and Charlie now and then teased one another, despite the fact that she wasn’t interested in men.
“The company is far from unpleasant, at least” he deadpanned, knowing that it would make Dean laugh, as it did indeed.
He grinned once more, then. “Well then, when it’s time for lunch, we just have to get lucky when it comes to diners.”
They got lucky. Dean took one look at the diner they passed declared it perfect and… it was.
And that was how Castiel Novak, who a month ago had had no prospects, no friends and no hope, ended up eating burgers with the most beautiful man in the world.
He could have called Sam, but talking to his brother meant actually talking about this, and it was the last thing he wanted. No, what he needed was a sarcastic bastard; and so there as only one person he could speak to right now.
Crowley picked up on the first ring. “Pleas tell me you didn’t kill him. That would just be –“
“Crowley.”
He immediately fell silent. Then, after a few moments, he said, “Squirrel? Is everything okay?”
Dean shook his head, then realized he couldn’t see him. “Cas is eating a burger.”
Unsurprisingly, Crowley was unfazed by this. “So? He always east burgers. Especially if you make them.”
“Exactly.”
A pause followed. Eventually, Crowley said, “Dean.” He sounded… sincere. As if the day wasn’t strange enough already.
“I know. So I need you to tell me that I’m an idiot and that I need to get a grip already” he announced, “And quickly.”
“I don’t think you need that.”
“Did I end up calling Sam after all? If I wanted a lecture…”
“This is not a lecture. Dean. Your as-of-now-still husband is doing something that reminds you of the good times you had with him, and seeing as you still love him, of course you are upset.”
Dean took a deep breath before asking, “Since when are you an expert on relationships?”
“I am not – you should know me well enough to be sure of that.” Man, it was weird when Crowley was being honest. Maybe because he was a lawyer; normally he was paid to lie. “But you only have to survive two and a half more days. Then we can drive back to Lawrence.”
“We?”
“There are planes, you know.”
Dean laughed then; he couldn’t help it. It was so utterly ridiculous to think that he was having breakdown in the middle of nowhere and his best friend, a successful lawyer who really didn’t have the time and was actually a mean son of a bitch to most people he met, was ready to fly down to Vegas so he wouldn’t have to drive back alone. “Man, I really needed that.”
“I know. But the offer still stands.”
Another awkward silence. Then Dean said, “Thank you, Crowley.”
Huh. Apparently, he had actually managed to shock him. What a day it was. “Yes, well…” he eventually began. “Feathers is going to start wondering where you are. And you are sure I am still not allowed to –“
“Yes.”
“More’s the pity. Stay on contact, Squirrel.”
This was as much a be careful as he was going to get from him, as Dean well knew, so he simply told him he would and hung up.
Cas was still devouring his burger when he came back. His eyes lit up as he saw Dean, something that hadn’t happened in quite a while.
His husband returned and Cas greeted him with a smile. Dean really looked good in that shirt, but when didn’t he –
It was then that he realized he’d forgotten they were getting divorced again. Dear God, if he hadn’t been eating, he might actually have kissed Dean, which he wasn’t supposed to want anymore. No. Not supposed. He didn’t want that anymore, neither of them did, that was why they were getting divorced.
Good God, did Cas have to look at him like that – It had been like the beginning, when everything had seemed perfect and full of promise. Thank God he’d been eating. Dean didn’t want to imagine what he would have done if he hadn’t.
“I’m back” he said lamely, well aware that it was utterly obvious that he was, but what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t very well announce to someone who didn’t love him anymore that all he could think of at the moment was kissing him, could he?
“I see that” Cas replied flatly, and Dean wondered if he’d been able to read his desire in his face. Great. Because this hadn’t been awkward enough already.
“And the burger is… still good?” he said for lack of anything else.
“Yes, thank you. Yours?”
“Same.”
They ate in silence and Dean became uncomfortably aware of the weight of his wedding ring. He didn’t wear it on his finger anymore, of course; that would have been a grave mistake; but he kept it on a string around his neck, simply because he hadn’t found the strength to let go yet.
Cas didn’t know if Dean had realized – probably not – but he’d flexed his fingers just now in the way he used to when he wanted to feel his wedding ring.
With a jolt, he realized he didn’t even remember where he had left his. It must be somewhere in his apartment, of course; but where? And to think how he had felt that day when Dean had slipped it on his finger…
But no; he shouldn’t remember something like that. He shouldn’t be dwelling on the past when they were dealing with it once and for all.
He wondered where Dean had put his ring. Maybe in their (no, his) safe; maybe someplace else. He felt certain that he wouldn’t have thrown it away, however. Not Dean.
“We are in time” he was saying, glancing at his watch.
“Do you want me to drive now?” Cas asked, feeling a strange excitement sweep over him. It had been so long since he had driven the Impala.
“If you want” Dean shrugged with forced indifference. It was understandable. Cas knew what the car meant to him. When he had first let him drive, it had been something of a milestone – and Sam, he suddenly recalled, had complained that Dean hadn’t let him behind the wheel in years.
His heart sank. One of the worst aspects of their marriage disintegrating – apart from, well, losing Dean – had been that most of their friends had stopped talking to him, and even though some, like Crowley, Benny and Charlie, still made an effort to talk to him, it was clear that in some way, they too blamed him for the failure of their relationship. Which, as he had stated before, was not true.
Still, his heart picked up a pace when Dean threw him the keys as he had so often before.
Dean evaded another awkward silence by dozing off, and Cas couldn’t help but keep sneaking glances at him. He had always loved watching Dean slept. He looked so relaxed and youthful, all the cares and worries he usually carried on his shoulders gone.
It had been one of the most difficult things to get used to, sleeping alone, for even when the cracks had already been showing and they hadn’t kissed in months, they had still shared a bed, and for the first few weeks after their breakup, Cas had needed hours to drift off without the familiar warmth next to him.
Yes, he had missed watching him sleep.
He looked even more beautiful than usual. Or perhaps he still hadn’t yet gotten used to being so close again.
And so he drove, forcing himself to not stare at Dean every few feet.
Dean woke up about two hours later and wiped his mouth in that endearing way he remembered so well. “Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”
“It’s alright. You clearly needed it.” He certainly looked more alert than before.
Damn it. Great. Now Cas would know that he had not slept well the last few days. He’d spent way too much time rolling around in bed because he’d been freaking out about Cas again.
He looked away and stared out the window. It seemed like the best thing to do.
“I have missed this” Cas suddenly said and Dean told himself that he was only talking about the Impala.
“Small wonder. You can’t beat Baby. By the way, do you still drive that terrible Lincoln of yours?”
“My Lincoln is not terrible.”
Dean snorted. “Tell yourself that. One day, Cas, that death trap is gonna be...” he trailed off.
“A death trap?” he asked lightly.
Dean rolled his eyes. “Come on. Please tell me you at least get it fixed regularly.”
Before their split, he’d done that. While he would have been the first to admit that their upbringing hadn’t been ideal, at least it had taught him a few things; and neither the Impala nor the Lincoln had ever needed a trip to a garage while he had been working on them. Neither had Crowley’s Bentley, for the record, although he and his friend were in a constant struggle as to whether he should be paid for his endeavours (Crowley believed that he should, Dean that he should not. This resulted in Crowley regularly inviting him to expensive restaurants or other activities, which Dean only led slide because he knew how much money the guy had).
“I do.”
“Good. And it’s working?”
“Yes. I am sure the mechanics make certain of that.”
“Mechanics? As in plural? I thought you were very conscientious when it came to frequenting small businesses.”
Cas, surprisingly, wouldn’t meet his eyes. But maybe he just didn’t want to look away from the road.
Dean deserved an answer, of course, but Cas couldn’t give it to him. The truth was that, after all these years where Dean had looked after his car, looking for a mechanic and singling one out to work on the Lincoln would just have felt… wrong. That had been what Dean had been doing for him, not because he’d paid him but out of love, and Cas hadn’t wanted to cheapen the memory. It might not have made sense, but that didn’t matter to him.
Yet he had no idea how to explain it. Dean might have misunderstood, which would have been bad, or he might have understood, which would have been worse, or he might have laughed, which would have been the worst of all.
No. He couldn’t tell him.
Cas suddenly wished they could just talk, like they used to. About all or nothing, it didn’t matter. He’d always enjoyed their talks… until he hadn’t anymore. And at the moment, it was difficult to remember why.
Ten years ago
“And then Billy Pilgrim decided that he was going to hold lectures since he’s become unstuck in time so he might as well” Dean continued.
Cas was mesmerized. While had had tried reading Vonnegut during his time in college and decided he simply wasn’t for him, watching Dean talk about something he was passionate about never failed to draw him in. His whole face lit up, his eyes in particular; his grin grew even brighter and more infectious, and if here had ever been any doubt that he was , it was long gone by the time he’d even finished pronouncing the name “Vonnegut”.
“But – that’s all? Lectures?”
“What else was he supposed to do?”
“If he had become unstuck in time, that means he knew what was going to happen in the future. And all he did was hold lectures?”
“In his defence, everyone believed he was nuts ever since he got abducted by aliens.”
Cas shook his head. “I should probably try him again.”
Dean grinned. “Knew I could convince you.”
He could probably convince him to jump off a cliff, but Cas didn’t say so.
Now
Suddenly he said, “I read Cat’s Cradle.”
“Oh?” Dean perked up. “How did you like it?”
“It was… strange. But not… Slaughterhouse-Five strange. A different strange.”
“Hell yeah, That’s what awesome about Vonnegut” Dean said, his usual enthusiasm momentarily dispelling the awkwardness Cas had already begun to fear they would never get rid of. “It’s –“
“Always weird in another way, Cas” he did his best to imitate Dean. “You never know what you’re going to get.”
Dean rolled his eyes. “You still sound like a cowboy when you do that. Why did you read Vonnegut, anyway?”
“I – “ and suddenly, he couldn’t say why, he felt ashamed that he’d done it because one of his charges had insisted on it. In the next moment, he realized that was because he hadn’t done it for Dean when they were still together.
He seemed to guess but in the next moment he brightly said, “Well I am glad your reading horizon is finally expanding.”
Apparently, he had decided that it was going to be easier if they were civil to one another.
Well, it probably was, but that didn’t make it any easier.
God, how his eyes had lit up when he’d told him about Cat’s Cradle…
Cas swallowed and gripped the steering wheel tighter. This was going to be more difficult than he had imagined.
At least, Dean decided, Cas was reading good stuff. He’d ignore the implications. Who needed those, anyway? He could do this. He was going to do this.
Even if Cas mentioning Vonnegut had reminded him of that first road trip. Man, things had looked so promising then… or at least he had been convinced that he’d made a friend for life. Granted, during the trip, his feelings had only grown.
He should have known which one of his friends would address the issue first, he’d later thought.
Ten years ago
Crowley was the first to catch on to what Dean was dealing with and had convinced himself he was hiding well.
“So… when are you going to ask our blue-eyed angel boy out?”
“Crowley” he said tiredly, “What are you doing in my office? Don’t you have some lawyering to do?”
“That’s exactly what I am doing. You were the one who suggested me to the dean, remember=”
Sometimes Dean thought he should be more careful when it came to promoting his friends.
“What I mean, darling, is that it’s embarrassingly obvious. The heart eyes you two throw at one another…”
“We don’t make heart eyes at one another” he tried to argue even though he knew there was a rather big chance that he spent a lot of time staring adoringly at Cas when they were together.
“Right. You do realize that Miss Bradbury is going to catch on any day now, right? I just have the advantage of knowing you longer than her.” His eyes were sparkling in that manner that Sam persisted in calling dangerous, while Dean knew he was just being mischievous. It made him look younger than he was, and it was one of the reasons he’d been Dean’s preferred booty call for quite a while.
“Plus he’s already head over heels for you.”
“I don’t think he is –“
Crowley’s stare was more than a little unimpressed. “Dean, Dean, Dean” he chided him. “How are you going to become the world’s leading expert on biochemistry if you can’t read people? The students will lie to you all the time! You’ll end up giving someone time off for the funeral of his grandmother ten times in a row!”
“Could be adoptive family” he pointed out.
Crowley stared at him, then laughed. “Fine, fine, you win this round, Squirrel, but only this one. So what are you going to do about angel boy?”
For some reason, Crowley found it absolutely hilarious that Cas was named after an angel. Dean thought it suited him. And really, it wasn’t that much weirder than Crowley, right? Maybe that was the joke.
“I don’t see why I have to do anything” he said. “I mean, we are both happy with being friends…”
Crowley made a noise that was clearly meant to show his contempt for that statement, and Dean glared at him. “Hey, we are!”
He raised his hands. “Fine. But if someone ever comes along and steals him away before you made a move, don’t come crying to me.”
That was a lie, and they both knew it. When there was trouble, Crowley was a safe haven to land. Not that many people knew. He didn’t want them to.
Dean was silent for a moment. “And you are sure Cas likes me?”
“Trust me. It is obvious.”
Now
The end of their marriage had been just as obvious, Dean knew, but everyone had been too polite to say something. Not even Crowley had joked about it, and that took considerable restraint.
Still, hope had sprung eternal… until Cas had just left as if their years together didn’t matter.
Seven-year glitch indeed.
But thinking about it wouldn’t help him now, he well knew. He couldn’t and shouldn’t dwell on it, not when he had decided to make the best of things.
He took a deep breath. “Anyway, so I heard that Sarah’s friend Eileen is going to –“
Yes, Gossip. Good old solid gossip. One could always trust gossip to fill the silence.
From the corner of his eyes, he saw Cas relax. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.
That night
This was bad. Really, really bad.
“You are sure you don’t have any other rooms left?” he pleaded with the girl at the reception of the motel they had found. Dean’s trained eyes had decided that it looked clean enough and probably even had room service.
“Sorry, mister, we’re full. And anyway, it’s a queen. You can sleep in the same bed.”
Trouble was, this was something that Dean had wanted since the moment Cas walked out, but it wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t be what he used to dream about that first month, when he’d wake up and reach for his husband only to remember.
He took a deep breath and turned to Cas. “You alright with this?”
“I think we are both adults” he replied carefully, studying him.
Dean once more got lost in those blue eyes.
Eventually the girl cleared her throat and he realized they had both been staring.
Great.
Just what he needed.
Another reminder of how it had been – before –
He sighed. “Guess we’ll take the room.”
Like Dean had predicted, it was perfectly satisfactory, if you asked Cas. The bed looked comfortable, there was no mildew, the bathroom was clean.
But.
But.
He would be sharing a bed with Dean again.
He thought he had somewhat got used to sleeping alone again; however, all of that had “gone straight out of the window” as Dean would have pit it, the second he learned that they might be sleeping in the same bed again.
Surely, though, that was normal – after all, there was nothing strange about being hesitant about sleeping next to someone one had ceased to be intimate with.
Yes. That was all it was. That was why he was nervous.
“So, you want to be the first one in the shower?” Dean asked and both of them had to look away, remembering a time when the question would no have presented itself for the simple reason that they would automatically have moved to shower together.
“Thank you” he said.
“No problem” Dean muttered as he went into the bathroom.
Showering while knowing Dean was nearby once more was a strange sensation. How often had he done the same while his husband was somewhere in the house, reading, working, perhaps already asleep? And how many times had it ended with Dean climbing into the shower with him, sometimes not even for a sexual encounter, but just being near him, just to be so very intimate…
Cas tried his best to chase the thoughts away. They could do him absolutely no good at the moment.
How beautiful Dean had looked asleep in the car this afternoon.
He groaned. This wouldn’t help, either.
He stared at the miserable little bottle of motel shampoo as if it could give him answers to questions he didn’t dare ask.
Alright. Everything was cool. He and Cas were sharing a room, and Cas was taking a shower. A shower Dean was definitely not thinking about because it was not the right thing to do because give a few more weeks, and Cas wouldn’t be his husband anymore, so he was definitely not thinking about the fact that Cas was very naked only a few feet away, and he was most definitely not remembering how the thought used to make him smile, and he was definitely not imagining how it would be if he could still join Cas.
Oh God.
He had to go.
He left a note that he’d gone for a walk and would bring diner with him – the last thing he needed was another pretend date – and left the motel, touching Baby’s hood as he passed her. She had always been there for him, and she always would be. Unlike others.
He could have called his brother, or one of his friends, but he didn’t want to.
He just needed to clear his head.
Ten years ago
After his talk with Crowley, Dean began looking for signs. The problem was that he had no idea if he was finding signs because he wanted to or because they were actually there.
And with how important Cas was rapidly becoming to him, it was a huge risk to try and… well, he didn’t want to use the word seduce, but that was what it boiled down to, wasn’t it?
Now and then he could have sworn that his friend had been right. When they had one of their stating contests, as Sam called it, or when their hands touched and Cas drew back blushing. That definitely pointed towards Dean not being the only one who had a little crush. On the other hand… well, it was hard to tell. Cas had grown up sheltered; he’d probably not dated a lot, so how was Dean supposed to know if what he was feeling was the real thing, if he was even feeling anything at all for him, that was?
Ugh. Decisions, decisions. At least Crowley had apparently decided to let him come to his own conclusions, because he didn’t mention the subject again.
And Sammy miraculously seemed to have come to the same conclusion because Dean was pretty sure that if Crowley could tell, then so could his brother, but he had yet to allude to the subject-.
He and Cas were having one of their movie nights. He’d made it a habit of his to educate him about pup culture; granted, it probably was not very important in the grand scheme of things to know who Doctor Sexy was, but it seemed that way to Dean, so that was what they were doing.
Cas arrived punctually as always, still wearing his trench coat. How he could bear to do so in the middle of August was anyone’s guess. There was a reason Crowley liked to hoke that he wasn’t completely human.
“Hello, Dean.”
Always the familiar greeting, and it never failed to make his heart beat faster. “Hey, Cas. How are you doing?”
“I am very well, thank you.”
Always with the formalities. Dean suppressed a smile. “Yeah, anyway, so I thought we’d be watching Groundhog Day today.”
“Someone made a movie about Groundhog Day?”
“I believe you just said that.”
Cas frowned. “I most definitely did not, since I was not aware of –“
Dean laughed. “You’ll get it, don’t worry.”
And so they watched the movie. Cas loved it, as Dean had known he would; guy had a thing for comedy and good romances, just like Dean himself.
Although he did tend to question things that should not be questioned.
“How long did he spend in the loop, anyway?”
“No one knows. That’s kind of the point.”
“But” Cas insisted. “He learned how to craft sculptures out of ice. How to play the piano. That alone would take several years, at least playing the way he does in the end. Not to mention the time he just spent in his room throwing cards into the hat…”
“Come on Cas, it’s a movie, and even you have to admit that Bill Murray did everything he could to make sure he deserved her.”
“I do, I just wondered.”
Dean laughed and clasped his shoulder. “I know, man.”
“Still” Cas added, “I will admit that it is certainly a more fitting romantic gesture than in many other movies.”
“That’s right” Dean said, his hand sliding off Cas’ forearm and perhaps lingering a bit too long. He swallowed. He could easily have tested Crowley’s theory but… “I mean, he could have just talked to her…” Huh. Seemed like he was going to whether he wanted to or not. Damn his mouth.
Cas frowned. “But he tried. She didn’t believe him, which was understandable – I mean she did for a while – but he can hardly be blamed for not…” he trailed off; apparently the air between them was charged enough that even Cas couldn’t fail to noticed.
Dean’s eyes travelled to his lips as he swallowed. His tongue darted out to lick his own.
Cas’ gaze followed it. A moment later, their eyes met again.
And then they were kissing. They would never know who had moved first, and it didn’t matter anyway, because Dean would always claim that he had known at that moment that he never wanted to kiss anyone else ever again.
Now
Just like him to get lost in his memories again. Dean sighed. Yes, that had been one hell of a first kiss… and it was unlikely he’d ever get another one. His brother and his friends had encouraged him to eventually try and find someone new, but he wasn’t interested. Not now, and probably not for years. Who knew, he might even returned to his regular hook-ups with Crowley if he ever needed to scratch an itch, just because it was convenient and it didn’t require him meeting and dating someone who wasn’t Cas.
He knew very well that he should be moving on. Hell, what he was doing was not healthy by any means, and if a student had asked for his help, he would have advised him to see a counsellor.
But he wasn’t a student, was he? He was a professor, a completely sane, very clever professor, and if he wanted to ruin his life by pining after a man he couldn’t have anymore, then he could.
He kicked a pebble of the sidewalk. So far with just getting thus over with while being friendly and polite.
Cas couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know why Dean had all but stormed out. Well, he hadn’t actually seen him storm out, but still.
He sighed and sat down on the ned. It wasn’t as comfortable as he remembered their marriage bed to be, and he suddenly wondered if Dean had continued to sleep in it or if he had moved to a guest room. He had no idea why that suddenly seemed important.
But it did.
He wished he had someone to call and talk to, but…
Well…
He swallowed. He knew who Dean would most likely have called.
Crowley picked up on the third ring, which Cas knew very well he wouldn’t have if it had been Dean who called. He always picked up on his husband’s first ring.
Wait. Had he just said –
“Cassie, please tell me that you and Dean haven’t had a fight and are now in a jail cell.”
“No. Why would we be?”
“Just making sure. Why else would you call me?”
Cas felt slightly guilty, even though he didn’t have a reason to. The truth was, he had known from the second their marriage had been over that Crowley would pick Dean’s side. Not that there was any side to pick. But Crowley would always find one. “I just wanted to… that is, Dean is taking a walk, and…”
“Ah. You chased him away.”
“I didn’t” he said firmly.
“Then why is he going for a walk? We both know he only does that when he decides he is too upset to drive.”
Yes, they did indeed both know that.
“I don’t – I don’t know what to do” he admitted.
“Ah, Feathers, this is going to be difficult because you’ll have to do something that you don’t like to do.”
“What do you –“
“You’d have to talk to him.”
“I am talking to him!”
“Could have fooled me.”
A pause ensued, and then Crowley began to speak again, but he didn’t sound like he usually did. No; this was more open, more raw than he usually did.
“Castiel Winchester, as of now, I am only going to say this once because Dean made me promise not to harm you, and God knows when Dean Winchester asks me to do something, or in this case, not to do something, I am going to refrain myself from doing it. But I swear, that night when he came to me, more drunk than I’d ever seen him… You were lucky you weren’t within reach.”
Cas swallowed. He didn’t doubt he could take Crowley in a fight, but if Crowley wanted to ruin someone, he usually succeeded.
“I never meant to.”
“I swear to God, if you tell me that you never meant to hurt him I am going to break my promise. And while we’re on the topic, let me tell you something: if you hurt him more than you already have, I am going to destroy your life, your career and everything and everyone you hold dear.”
“So are you going to threaten me some more, or…”
Unexpectedly, Crowley laughed. “Ah, Cassie, sometimes I remember why Dean fell for you.” Then he grew serious again. “So tell me what’s going on.”
When Cas had finished explaining what had happened, or rather, had failed to happen until now, Crowley sighed. “Is that really that difficult to guess, Feathers? Squirrel still loves you, and he’s off to end your marriage.”
It was a strange sensation to be at the same time surprised and not surprised. He’d known that Dean wouldn’t take it easy, naturally; he always gave his heart so fully and so freely, so how could he be expected to? But he had believed that, just like with his own feelings, Dean’s had grown somewhat distant; certainly he hadn’t thought that…
“Castiel as of yet Winchester, don’t mind me saying that – who am I kidding, even if you did, I wouldn’t care – but you are a fool.”
And then Crowley hung up without a goodbye.
He was left to stare at his phone and wonder about what Crowley had just told him.
Was it true? Probably. This was Crowley they were taking about, and he knew Dean very well. As a matter of fact. There had been a time when they had known each other even better…
The surge of jealousy he felt surprised him; it was primal, strong and raw, and he wondered why he should suddenly feel jealous again now, when Dean had made it quite clear that there was nothing more between them…
Not that it mattered, he suddenly remembered, because they were getting divorced. And how had he ended up thinking of this, any way?
Because Crowley had told him that Dean still loved him, and when he thought about it, it made quite a bit of sense. Driving around with someone he still loved while they were effectively doing what they had to do to unravel their marriage…
And yet he had tried his outmost to be friendly, and of course he was still so beautiful…
Cas didn’t know where that thought had come from, but he decided to do his outmost to make things easier for Dean from now on.
When Dean came back, he was carrying takeout, like he had promised he would. “Here, Cas. Got you onion rings.”
Dean didn’t like onion rings, never had, but every time he’d gone to a place that sold them, he’d gotten them for Cas. “Thank you”.
“Don’t mention it.”
“Did you have a nice walk?”
“Sure”. He didn’t volunteer any information.
And so Cas and Dean ate in silence. He wanted to ask, but didn’t know how. He wanted to talk. And finally, he wanted to take him into his arms, to make him feel better…
Huh. Certainly he wasn’t supposed to do that?
He wasn’t supposed to want to touch Dean anymore, wasn’t he? But he was so gorgeous… But that just made Cas feel shallow and needy.
“Hey, where did you go just now?” Dean asked, “You looked like you were a mile away.”
He wanted to be a mile away. At least there would not have been the temptation to reach out and… “I think I’m, just tired.”
“You’re not used to road tripping anymore, Cas. You should practice more.”
“I thought you didn’t want me to use the Lincoln anymore.”
“I meant road tripping in a proper car” he said calmly, almost carefully.
“I will remember that.”
“Good” Dean grinned.
“I am trying to come up with a topic of conversation” Cas eventually said after they had been silent again for a few minutes.
“Why? We’ve never needed that.”
It was true; they had been silent together quite as often as they had talked; he was rather sure they had spent whole evenings just sitting side by side. “I don’t know it just seemed like something to say.”
Dean laughed. “Guess that’s a new one even for us. We’re discussing how we’re not talking about anything.”
“Isn’t that kind of your job?” Cas teased him. “Even in biochemistry, there is a lot of theory involved –“
Dean threw a fry at him. “Now, young man, you listen to me –“
“Like I said. Part of your job.”
“I will have you know that according to the internet, I am one of the best professors at uni.”
Cas knew that Dean regularly checked his ratings. But wile Cas in no way daunted that he was indeed as good a teacher as they suggested, he had always rather suspected that part of the reason for his good standing with students was that at least half of them had a crush on him. And who could blame them, he thought.
He would have had a crush on Dean, if he’d been one of his teachers in college, of that he was sure.
“You are looking like you’re thinking about how many students have crushes on me again” Dean accused him. “You know that’s not your problem anymore.”
“I just want to make sure your virtue is untouched” he deadpanned.
Dean smirked. “Trust me, if I ever have a problem, I’ll just go to Crowley. He’ll fix it.”
This time, the surge of jealousy was not only surprising, but primal. Asif it mattered that Dean would rather go to Crowley than him for help.
But it did.
“If you ever need anything, you can come to me, too” he said quietly.
“No offense, Cas” Dean answered, finishing his meal and throwing the bag away, “But a huge part of the reason why I told you to leave was that I couldn’t anymore. My time in the shower.”
And then he was gone and had locked the door of the bathroom behind him.
Cas huffed. What had he meant? Of course Dean could come to him for everything –
A memory intruded
A year ago
“Dean, I really have to finish this report”
“Please, Cas” he said, his eyes wide, his hair in disarray, “Read this. I am no expert, but I think it’s pretty clear the kid is going through something, and if he is, we have to help –“
“Dean, I am busy”.
And his husband slunk away.
Cas later learned that he and Crowley had dealt with it.
Now
That couldn’t be true. Surely he hadn’t been so callous? The report had been important, he remembered that, but…
The sound of rushing water reminded him that Dean was taking a shower. Dean. In the shower. Naked.
Dean, his beautiful husband, still his beautiful husband, in the shower –
Oh God. Now Cas was the one who needed another shower. A cold one at best.
It was weird, living with Cas again, even if only for such a short time. Dean focused on that because it was easier. It was weird because he had grown used to living alone.
Alright, so that was a lie.
But still. It was weird. Just plan weird.
When he got into the room, Cas was already in bed. He was channel surging.
“Anything good?”
“Not really”. Cas settled on an old episode of Doctor Sexy. “I assume you like this?”
Dean grinned. “Yep. Can’t beat a guy with cowboy boots.”
“I remember” Cas said, and then they both vividly remembered that Halloween where Cas had gone as Doctor Sexy and Dean had gone as Indiana Jones and their celebrations had included…
Dean swallowed and focused on his show, but that didn’t really work.
He sighed and went to pull out a book out of his duffle bag.
“What are you reading?” Cas asked.
Dean wordlessly held the book up. “Pride and Prejudice. You know I can’t say no whenever Austen falls into my hands.”
“I know” he smiled.
In truth, Dean had chosen an old favourite because he had thought that he might very well need the comfort. And as it turned out he had even needed it sooner than later.
He got lost in the familiar words as Cas continued to watch the show.
Cas was rather certain he had seen this episode before. Dean had liked to watch it with him. He had never been very interested in anything that happened on screen, but they had spend many an hour cuddling on the sofa, and that had been wonderful.
Sometimes he thought he missed cuddling with Dean even more than he missed sex. Sex was one thing, but being… intimate with one another.
Dean was so immersed in the book already. Every time he read it, it brought a smile to his face, and Cas was glad to see this was the case now too. Or at least, he should have bene happy, but it made the urge to move closer and feel his warmth ever-growing.
He swallowed and turned off the TV. “I think I’m going to go to sleep.”
“Alright, Good night. You don’t mind me staying up and reading?”
“No, no.” God knew how often Dean had stayed up reading after he’d gone to sleep.
“Alright, then” he said awkwardly. “Good night.”
And then he laid down and tried to forget that Dean was next to him.
It was going to be a long night.
Cas had turned his back to him, of course. Dean wouldn’t have expected anything different.
Still – he was lying next to him again, for one last time.
Eventually, he put the book away and laid down. They still had quite the way to go.
Day Two
Dean woke up feeling content and happy, something that startled him into being awake, since he want used to it anymore.
Small wonder.
He and Cas were lying in each other’s arms.
Oh God.
He had to get away from this as quickly as possible.
So he gently disentangled himself – how often had he done the same? The memories made his heart ache – and went into the bathroom.
To say that Cas felt guilty when he heard Dean take a deep breath and move away would have been an understatement.
He had woken up, and the old familiar feeling being held by someone had been too tempting to resist and so he had pretended to still be asleep.
And now he had hurt Dean. He knew that sound. He was definitely in pain.
He swallowed and stared at the door of the bathroom.
What was he doing?
And then, another question presented itself before he could stop himself.
What had he done six months ago?
“Okay okay okay, you were asleep stuff like this happens, no biggie…” Dean was talking to himself in the bathroom mirror. “You are a professor of biochemistry, you have a career and a house and a family and you won’t freak out just because you just cuddled your soon-to-be ex-husband…”
He sighed.
This day was going to be hell.
Well, this had started better than he had thought it would.
They’d had breakfast and hit the road, without getting awkward. Cas had been really cool about it – because he hadn’t known what was going on, he knew, but still…
He sighed once more. Felt like he did a lot of that.
Cas was thinking he was going to go insane. Somehow, that he had woken up in Dean’s arms had him reminded of their marriage and how they had lived together and how at some point it had been normal that they woke up like this.
Oh God. Oh God. Continuing his charade, he had pretended to doze off in the car so he wouldn’t have to talk to Dean, so he wouldn’t… remember, so he wouldn’t…
Ten years ago
They had definitely stayed awake too long, Cas realized when he woke up lying on Dean on the sofa.
Still... he couldn’t deny that it felt wonderful.
Dean moved and he stiffened. Then, he heard his friend mutter, “Did we fall asleep?”
“I think so.”
“Huih. Well, At least my couch’s comfortable.”
Cas sat up to find Dena grinning up at him. His heart picked up a beat. “It’s nice to wake up to you” he said before he could stop himself.
Dean stopped grinning and he wondered if he could just leave and never come back. But that would mean not seeing Dean again.
And he very much wanted to see Dean again. Every day for the rest of his life, if he could help it.
“I say, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were flirting with me” Dean said, giving him a look Cas had seen on his face before – just not directed at him; no, usually it was directed towards waitresses so he would get free pie, or Crowley when they were flirting, or even Charlie when they were fake-flirting for fun. He moved slightly away, unsure of how he was supposed to proceed. What happened when someone like Dean flirted with someone like him? Was something supposed to happen? Was Dean making fun of him?
“Don’t look like that, I won’t tell anyone”. Now Dean sounded decidedly hostile, and Cas didn’t understand why until he got up, forcing him to move out of the way. “You know, if you have problems with that kind of thing, if you just wanted to try a little something for a moment, it might not be the best idea to be friends with our group. I mean just look at Charlie and Crowley…”
“Dean” he quickly interrupted him. “No, I don’t – why do you think I moved away from my family? I – I mean – I – I don’t have anything against – no that doesn’t sound – it would be hypocritical” he finished, feeling rather confused.
Dean was looking at him, not speaking.
“I can’t very well be homophobic without hating myself” Cas clarified.
“But the why did you –“And suddenly, Dean’s whole face lit up with a smile that took Cas’ breath away. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
But before Cas could ask, Dean’s lips were on his and all he knew, felt and breathed was Dean Winchester, and nothing else mattered.
“Well” Dean said an indefinite amount of time later, pulling back, “That was awesome, if I do say so myself.”
And he grinned down at Cas. Somehow they had made their way back to the couch, only is time, Dean was on top.
Cas felt himself blushing fiercely.
“Hey” Dean gave him another quick peck on the lips, “You okay? With this, I mean? I didn’t really ask –“
“I am okay” he hastened to say, “Very okay. Definitely, definitely very okay. More than okay.” And then, to prove his words true, he decided that the best course of action was to pull Dean into another kiss that lasted even longer.
“Thank God it’s Saturday” Dean sighed later, “Because I would not have my head in the right place today.”
“No?” Cas asked, running his fingers through his hair, ecstatic that he could finally do what he had so longed for on many a day like this.
They were still lying on the couch after another heavy make-out session. Dean had cuddled close, sighing contentedly.
“You don’t know what you do to me, Cas.”
“If it’s anything like what you do to me” he found the courage to answer, “I think I can guess.”
Dean laughed against his throat and a wave of heat swept through him. “Ah, Cas, what a pair we are.”
It was the first time either of them referenced them as a couple – maybe not surprising considering they had only been together for two hours – but it still thrilled Cas to his core.
Now
Oh God.
Oh God.
When he had first learned about the impediment to their divorce, Cas had believed that this would be – well as easy as it could be, given the circumstances. He and Dean would be civil they would get the document, and then they would be divorced in due time.
And instead here he was – slowly but steadily realizing that his feelings for Dean had neither changed nor abated in the slightest.
He couldn’t even remember why he walked out that night. Because Dean told him to? Certainly he’d had a good reason; certainly – he must have had. Otherwise why would he have thrown away their marriage like it had been nothing? He’d had the perfect relationship with the most beautiful man, inside and out, on this earth, and he’d just let it go when said man had tried to save it.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Dean hoped that breakfast hadn’t disagreed with Cas. He’d dozed off almost immediately, and the expression on his face didn’t suggest that he was having pleasant dreams – rather the opposite.
He reached out and touched his shoulder. “Cas, are you alright?”
His eye flew open and he stared at Dean for a moment before eh cleared his throat and said, “Yes – yes. I think I’ve been overworking myself lately, that is all.”
Small wonder. All Cas did these days was work.
“Well, maybe we should stop for a while, then. We could get a motel room for a day or two; really, we have the week off anyway, doesn’t matter when we get to Vegas…”
“No!”
The vehemence with which Cas rejected his proposal hurt him a little. Granted, the guy didn’t love him anymore, but did he have to be so forceful about it? Surely, spending time with him wasn’t that bad? Then he realized that he’d said room and not rooms and bit his lip. “Sorry. Just a thought.”
Dean, Dean, Dean… why did he have to so… to be so Dean? If course he had noticed something was amiss, and of course he had decided that they should take it easy.
And then he had said room, and Cas’ mind had immediately gone back to all those times they had road tripped together and what had happened when they had stopped.
This didn’t help at all.
Nor did the fact that Dean had touched him – just his shoulder; but Cas could still feel it, as if he had branded him…
This was going to be hell. And not just the rest of the trip. No; he could see it now – the rest of his life stretched before him.
He would get home, and they would get divorced. He’d go to work and back to his place. He’d eat alone and sleep alone and stay alone. And one day he’d walk down the street and Dean would be there with his arm around someone, someone as beautiful and good as he was, someone who deserved him…
Yes, he could see it all now, and it was no one’s fault but his own. He’d lost Dean because for some reason he’d decided not to pay him attention when really, he had done everything to try and save their marriage.
Cas took a deep breath and decided that not a word about his newly discovered yet old and familiar feelings should pass his lips.
Dean deserved someone better. Someone who would know what they had and never let go.
Instead of feeling awkward, Dean was starting to freak out. He probably shouldn’t have; but there was something different about Cas, he could tell.
For one, there was the staring.
He remembered Crowley teasing him about their “staring contests” very well, and of course there had been that moment in the motel yesterday. But this was ridiculous. Whenever he happened to glance Cas way, he found that his husband was looking at him, or studying him, or taking him in with an intensity that he remembered from their honeymoon.
And that was not a good thing to be thinking of, now.
Also, Cas had grown even more quiet than he had been after breakfast, and Dean knew that nothing good ever came of leaving him alone with his thoughts. That was why he had tried to get him to talk to him so often when it had all been falling apart…
Not that there had been anything to fall apart, he thought bitterly. And yet, how promising it had seemed at the beginning.
Ten years ago
Their big relationship announcement did not create the big splash that Dean had imagined or hoped for.
Crowley laughed. “Well, who was right?”
“Yea, yeah, your Highness” he said, “I know, you felt it would be the second you set eyes on us together.”
Cas said nothing, just took his hand, but the expression on his face told Dean everything he needed to know.
Sam wasn’t surprised, either. “Took you long enough, jerk.”
“Whatever, bitch” he shot back. “At least I don’t have to live with obnoxious surrogate bliss from you anymore”.
Sam rolled his eyes and Dean knew he approved.
Charlie, of course, had also guessed. “Finally. I was wondering whether I should lock you two in a closet.”
“Has that ever worked in the history of relationships?”
“It does in fanfiction, and it is high time that the theory is proven correct!”
What else could he do but shrug?
Benny accepted that they were together just as easily as the others. “Could have waited for me, chief.”
“Ah Benny, you don’t act, you lose ‘em.”
“I’ll remember that.”
Dean felt Cas’ hand on his thigh and almost laughed. Seemed like he had a jealous streak. Good to know.
“Well, guess the cat’s out of the bag now” he commented that evening.
Cas turned to look at him and frowned. “I wasn’t aware that our relationship was to be kept a –“
“Oh, no, Cas” he hastened to say, “Just meant that everyone who should know does now.” A pause. And then he remembered. “I mean, our friends and my family, obviously, it’s not like –“
“My family wouldn’t be interested. Least of all in me being happy” Cas said simply.
Man. That sucked. Dena couldn’t imagine his life without his little brother. “Sorry.”
He shrugged. “Like I told you, there was a reason I left.”
Only, Dean thought, remembering his upbringing, it was never just one reason, was it. It was a multitude of reasons and one day things had simply gotten too much. “Still. No one should live knowing that his family is indifferent to them.”
Cas shrugged again. “I – ever since I left, I have found myself with more wonderful prospects than I could ever have hoped for.”
Dean raised an eyebrow. “Have you now?”
Cas surprised him by kissing him.
Years later, he would think that he had already known then that Cas was it for him.
Now
Woah, he thought, no more trips down the memory lane for you, man. It’s difficult enough as it is.
And Cas was still staring at him.
Maybe he should grab the bull by the horns. “Do I have something on my face?”
“No. I would have told you.”
“Just wondering since you can’t take your eyes off me.” He tried to make it sound like a joke, but of course that attempt fell flat.
“Sorry.” And Cas turned his head and stared out the window.
Well.
That had gone well.
He wasn’t going to make it. How was he supposed to survive all those hours they still had in the car together when all he wanted was to look at Dean, to memorize his face for the countless empty days and nights that would follow?
Cas felt like he couldn’t breathe.
How could he have been so foolish? How could he have let Dean slip out of his grasp?
And more importantly, how was he supposed to watch him drive away after this was over?
“It’s a beautiful day” he said rather helplessly, going to tidy over the silence with small talk. He should have known it wouldn’t work, not with his people skills being as rusty as they were.
“Yeah, I suppose it is” Dean replied flatly and he could have bit his tongue. Of course he thought it was about finally getting rid of their marriage.
“I meant… you know… the sun.”
“Yes, the sun is indeed out, well done Cas” Dean replied sarcastically, but he recognised that tone; he’d hurt him most definitely.
“I – “ Cas sighed. “I – it just seems like a shame we have to do this when it’s so nice outside.”
“If you think so.”
Cas was silent.
This was the worst thing he possibly could have said, as Cas was very aware. But the words had just escaped his mouth. Like always when he was around Dean, his brain didn’t seem to play a part ion his proceedings.
If only it had. It could have pointed out that walking away from the man he still loved was a terrible mistake.
“I’m sorry” Dean suddenly said, and with a sinking feeling Cas started to wonder how often he had apologized for something in a fruitless attempt to save their marriage and he hadn’t noticed. “It is a nice day.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
He shrugged. “If you say so.”
Yes, he wanted to scream. Yes, I say so. It’s a nice day because I am here with you. And it’s probably one of the last few opportunities I will ever have to be with you like this while we are still married, and all because I was an idiot.
How could his perspective have changed that much in just twenty-four hours?
But the answer was easy. The answer was the same it had always been.
The answer was Dean.
Just a few short hours in his presence – a presence he had missed much, much more than he had believed he did – and Cas was back to the stuttering mess he’d been when they first met and he realized what he felt for the beautiful man.
“Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve been to Vegas” Dean said conversationally. “Both me and Sam have been so busy we didn’t have time to plan our annual pilgrimage.”
“How is Sam doing?” he inquired. Of course Sam hadn’t divulged any information about his life when he had told Cas they needed to take this trip. He’d stopped talking to him the second he had moved out. And it was a small wonder, considering how close he and Dean were.
“You know Sammy. Still kicking ass at court. He and Crowley still got their little contest going on, but good luck with that.”
The thought of them still doing what they had been doing for years – namely, winning as many cases as possible and then running to Dean to brag about it, only to be told that either his brother or his best friend had been more successful that month – made Cas smile. “Who is currently winning?”
“This month it’s Sam, but I think Crowley has a trick up his sleeve.”
“He wouldn’t be Crowley if he hadn’t.”
“My point”.
And then they smiled at one another like they had used to do, back in the old times when they could tell each other everything and had no doubts that they would grow old together.
He only realised they had been doing it when Dean’s smile dropped and he focused on the road again.
Alright. Stay with what you know. “And Charlie and Benny?”
“Oh, same old, same old. Charlie is currently working on an epic about her OTP; can’t wait for the next chapter to come out. And Benny’s experimenting with pie flavours.”
“I can just imagine who he’s recruited to taste them.”
“What can I say?” Dean flashed him a smile again, even if it didn’t quite ready his eyes. “You know me.”
Yes he did. And he had, that night, and he had still chosen to end it.
What had he done? And what was he doing now?
This was better. Just talking about their friends and family. That worked.
Dean took a deep breath, “That reminds me, Charlie had an idea for a new program for university last week… Came to me immediately, of course, and she told me she hadn’t spoken to you in a while.”
“I – I have been – busy” Cas answered, looking contrite; Dean didn’t quite know why, but still – that was something.
“Yeah, well, no reason not to call your friends, you know how Charlie gets when she feels herself neglected” he said lightly.
Cas laughed. “I remember. I still stand by the fact that hacking into the uni’s system just so the words Call me would show up on your screen was a bit excessive, though.”
“That’s Charlie for you. Let’s hope she and Crowley never team up.” There as a reason Dean had made Crowley promise that he wouldn’t go after Cas. He was pretty sure they wouldn’t have needed a divorce if they had. Not that he’d have been able to prove anything.
“So how many pies have you tested so far?” Cas asked lightly and Dean licked his lips as he remembered.
“Alright, let’s do this. Now ne prepared for a rating of pies….”
Of course Dean would enjoy tasting the pies Benny had offered him. Cas wondered if Benny had had the idea in order to cheer him up. It sounded like something he would do.
So Dean went on and on as the sunlight played across his features, and Cas fell more and more with every passing second. He could have prevented all of this. If he had really, truly spent time with Dean, just give minutes, he would have known, and he wouldn’t be here now. Maybe they would have taken a few days off anyway after the finals and gone on a road trip, but they would have criss-crossed through the country, having fun, sleeping in then same bed without needing a reason, and he would have woken Dean up the way he loved especially, by reigning gentle kisses on his face…
This was doing him no favours and he tried to concentrate on pie. It didn’t really work.
For lunch Dean found a diner. Of course. One burger a day, as he always said…
“Say” he said, as if the thought had just struck him, “dude, I’ve told you a million times: you should really learn how to cook, not just know a few basics – you know, for when you’re alone. If you want to, I could come over and teach you sometime –“
“That won’t be necessary.” Cas was aware that Dean didn’t mean it like – well, he didn’t mean to ingratiate himself back into his life; that much was certain; Dean was simply the kind of person who would offer someone to teach them how to cook, ex-husband or not. But spending time together would help neither of them at the moment. Dean because he had to move on and Cas… well, Cas because the last thing he needed was to stand in the epicentre of Dean Winchester once more and falling harder and faster than he had before he had thrown it all away.
“Just an offer, man. Promise I wasn’t…” Dean trailed off.
“I know” he said helplessly. “I just thought a little distance would do us both good…”
“Glad to know that a few days spent in my company is apparently enough to make you think we need distance. Not like you liked me enough at some point to marry me and all” Dean said, the bitterness in his voice making Cas wince. Before he could say a thing, though. He continued, “I’m sorry, man. This isn’t easy for me. I know it’s not for you, either, but… let’s just say we have different reasons for it not to be easy.”
Only they had. They had the same reason, but Cas had noticed too late.
Yes. He definitely couldn’t do this to Dean. He would get this over with, and then he’d disappear. Maybe he’d leave town.
Anything not to make him suffer, him, who had always counted more than anything else in his life – if only he’d never forgotten that.
So much for teaching Cas how to cook yet again. Dean supposed he couldn’t blame him for not wanting to have too much contact after they were divorced, but still – they had been friends first; fronted, friends who had a rather obvious crush on one another, and yet…
It would have been nice to know that Cas wouldn’t be out of his life completely after they signed the papers, but of course it was not to be. Who would want to be around Dean for that long, anyway? It had been foolish to ever ask him to marry him to begin with.
Strange that he had asked yesterday if they could still be friends, though.
Eight years ago
“Squirrel, that’s ridiculous even for you.”
“Strong word for someone who hasn’t talked to his own mother in three years” he spat, immediately regretting it. “Crowley, I –“
“It’s alright, you were the one who told me to stop picking up the phone in the first place. But really, if this is another proof of how nervous you are… it’s ridiculous. Of course he’s going to say yes.”
“But –“
“No buts. That boy is so gone on you, It’s not even funny. And why would anyone say no when you ask them to marry them?”
“Is that an offer?”
“That has always been open, darling, and you know it.”
Dean grinned. Thank God for Crowley, although Sam would have disagreed. There was nothing like a chat with him to calm Dean down.
Especially on a day like this.
He was going to surprise Cas at his lunch break. It had been two years since they had started dating, and he’d never been happier. So it was only logical that they were going to get married, right? Well, at least that Dean wanted to get married. He hadn’t asked him yet. Come to think of it, they had never really spoken of marriage. Maybe Cas didn’t like the idea in general. Maybe he didn’t like the thought of being married to Dean. Maybe he didn’t want –
“Stop it, I can tell you’re freaking out again”
Dean rolled his eyes. “I am just checking all my options. Thought you’d appreciate that, being a lawyer and all…”
“We bot know you are just stalling, so get your ass out of my office and go get your angel boy.”
Dean rolled his eyes but got up. “Fine. I’ll keep you appraised of all developments.”
“Oh, of all of them?”
“Not today, Crowley.”
“One day, darling. Mark my words.”
Sam would probably have had a fit if he had listened to their conversation, Dean thought, but he couldn’t have cared less.
Cas was busy organizing the files – how were they supposed to help when everything was in disarray? – wen Rachel called out to him. “Cas, your boyfriend’s here.”
He let the file drop with a smile. Dean. He had a habit of surprising him, so he simply hurried out, telling Mrs. Waters that he as going to get lunch. He didn’t quite understand why she grinned at him the way she did, but then, he often didn’t understand when it came to other people. Except for Dean.
He was leaning against the Impala, grinning when he saw Cas. “Hey. Thought we’d have a picnic.”
“A picnic?”
“Yep. Got everything we need right here.”
That didn’t explain why Dean looked so nervous though, Cas thought. His fingers kept drumming the steering wheel, and he kept stealing glances at him as if he would disappear if he didn’t.
It was rather strange behaviour, even if Cas said so himself. And he was an expert in it. He’d never met anyone who’d considered him normal.
But it didn’t matter, he thought with a smile. Dean had been there, and Dean had introduced him to his friends, and Dean had somehow managed to fall in love with him.
The day couldn’t get any better. At least that was what he thought-
And then they actually had the picnic. Dean had thought of everything. Here were burgers – if course his own, Cas did’ think he would ever get enough of them – and champagne – really, how was she supposed to get out of work after that? – and pie and –
And –
“This is nice” he said quietly, only to realized that Dean hadn’t answered. When he looked up, Dean was kneeling in front of him.
“Dean” he breathed.
“Yeh, well, I had this whole speech prepared about how I want to spend every day of my life with you, but… guess that’s not necessary anymore, eh?”
Indeed it wasn’t. Cas launched himself into his now-fiancé’s arms, work forgotten.
“Well” Dean drawled a second or an hour later, Cas couldn’t be sure, “I am going to take this as a yes.”
“If you want” he said coyly.
Dena laughed. “Did you just actually bat your eyelashes at me, sunshine?”
“I might have.”
“Oh, also, I told your boss” Dean said, tugging him towards him again. “Just so you know. She’s not expecting you back.”
“What about your –“
“Oh, I told Crowley to take care of it. You know he did.”
He did indeed.
Later, he cuddled close to Dean.
“So I take it this day was a success?” He asked.
“You know it was” Cas told him.
“I am never going to hear the end of this. Crowley was telling me –“
Cas turned them around so he was looking down at Dean. “I am not here to talk about Crowley” he stated – well, growled, if he was being honest.
Dean grinned. “Then why don’t you how me what you are here for?”
Now
The optimism of youth, he thought bitterly. Then, he’d never have imagined that one day, he and Cas would part ways.
“Is something on your mind?” Cas asked.
“Oh, nothing but the day I proposed” he answered before he could stop himself.
A pause.
Then, Cas gently said, “It was a lovely proposal.”
Dean snorted. “I didn’t really propose, did I. Spent weeks writing the perfect speech – and consider what my job is – and yet I didn’t get it out when it mattered.”
“I got the message.”
“Tell yourself that” he grumbled, knowing fully well that Cas had heard.
With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he realized he’d meant to hurt him.
Well. Tonight, they were sure to find a motel where more rooms were available; a little distance would do them both good.
“What do you mean, you only have the one room?”
This was a nightmare.
“I am sorry sir but there is the matter of –“
“Yeah, yeah, got it” he interrupted her tiredly, then turned to Cas. “Think you can stand another night next to me?”
He nodded.
Good, then.
Nothing he couldn’t survive.
Cas was starting to think that they were having rather bad luck. Certainly, there had to be motels around where they were rooms with more than one bed? It seemed like the were curse.
He sighed as he listened to Dean shower yet again. This had been difficult enough when he had been of the completely foolish and inane opinion that he wanted to end his marriage; now that he was ware the opposite was true?
This was only going to get more difficult.
Still, when Dean emerged wearing nothing but a towel, he swallowed and looked away.
“Come on Cas, you’ve seen me in far less clothes.”
“I know” he said quietly for lack of anything else to answer. The truth was that it had become rather difficult not to imagine tearing the towel of Dean and dragging him to the one bed the gods of fate had chosen to bestow on them. “It’s just that – well, given our situation and –“
“Yeah, yeah, finr. Your turn”.
And Dean brushed past him. Very closely past him. In fact, just the right distance to reach out and –
Cas fled into the bathroom.
Dean looked through his bag with more force than was strictly necessary. He was very aware that he was rather acting like a mean son of a batch, but the time spent with Cas was taking its toll. There’d been a time when Cas wouldn’t have been able to take his eyes off him when he entered a room like that.
A part of him wondered if he had wanted to see his reaction, and hated himself for it. Cas didn’t want to be his husband anymore, and maybe that was for the best. After all, once you had nothing to say to each other anymore, getting a divorce was a good idea, right?
Yes. Just get this over with, he told himself. Just get this over with.
Cas was very ware that Dean had occupied the same space as him while being very naked. It was ridiculous, of course – that was what showers were for – and he’d survived this yesterday, hadn’t he?
But that had been before his realization, before waking up in Dean’s arms, before knowing that he’d never love someone else the way he did Dean.
He looked down at his feet, watching the water swirl down the drain, and tried very hard not to see it as a metaphor.
Okay. So today had not been ideal. He’d been way meaner to Cas than he veers wanted to be. That wouldn’t do.
He’d be pleasant. He could do pleasant. He survived his regular meetings with the dean, didn’t he? So he could figure this out, too.
Just be pleasant. Polite. Nice.
He could practically hear Crowley yelling at him in his head. Oh well. No, this was not the time to use one of his friend’s practices; no, this was the time for diplomacy.
And so, he went to get dinner for them once more. Only one more day to go.
The bathroom even smelled like Dean’s deodorant, and how he had failed to notice that yesterday, Cas would never know. How was he supposed to deal with this? It was too much.
But he had to. It was almost like in the beginning, when he hadn’t yet dared to hope that Dean was interested in him – only that it was quiet the opposite, really.
Dean would probably have been delighted that he sounded rather like Lewis Carroll at the moment.
If they were stull talking, and if he had been capable of convincing him he actually wanted to stay friends after their divorce.
If. If. If.
He was getting the feeling he’d become thoroughly acquainted with that word in the time to come.
The fact that Dean had broth dinner by the time he emerged from the bathroom didn’t help matters. Just another way the universe had of shoving what he had thrown away right into his face. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.”
They ate in silence. Eventually, Dean asked, “So what are your plans? You gonna stay at your place for now or…” he trailed off.
“Yes. I can’t let –“ he broke off when he realized he’d been about to tell the man he’d let down again and again that he couldn’t let his colleagues down.
Dean’s sarcastic smile told him that he’d understood.
“I – I mean –“
“I understand perfectly what you meant.”
Only he didn’t, because Cas hadn’t understood until yesterday. Until then he would have been perfectly fine with Dean leaving his life – with him leaving Dean like it was nothing.
“They’re thinking about sending me to this one conference” Dean said suddenly. “International speakers and all. Imagine that, I’d actually be moving up the ladder.”
“You deserve it.”
Dena shrugged. “Doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, does it.”
“Of course it does.”
“Yeah, well, it won’t bring about World peace or anything like that, will it.”
“Dean…” if there was one thing about his husband (not for much longer, his own thoughts taunted him) it had been his habit of demeaning himself. “Of course that’s important. I’m so happy for you.”
“Doesn’t seem important, not anymore.”
It was rather clear what he meant. Oh God, the wound Cas had given him… he swallowed. “Still. I’m certain you’ll be great.”
“If I’m not the dean will have my head so really, problem solved one way or another” Dean tried to joke, but it fell flat.
Cas looked down at his burger. They finished their meal in silence.
For God’s sake, man, keep it together.
Dean was failing spectacularly in his mission to try and keep things civil, and he was very aware of it. He should never have asked Cas what he was planning to do after they – dealt with this. In his state mind it could do him absolutely no good.
Still – he didn’t plan to leave town. That was something, even though he apparently would much rather stay around his troubled teens than Dean.
Stop it. They need help. They need Cas.
The trouble was he’ d needed Cas too, and Cas had left him, and he still regularly spend days trying to figure out how and why.
So he decided to get lost in a good book again. It was the safest thing to do.
When Cas came back from the bathroom, he stood still. There Dean was, lying in bed, reading, looking as wonderful as always, and memories of hundreds – no, thousands – similar nights threatened to choke him.
How often had he come into their bedroom to find Dean like this – unaware that he had even entered because he was so focused on the written word? How often had he snuck up on him and surprised him with a kiss? He yearned to do that again, but hardly thought Dena would be amenable, considering how they stood… and what they were doing this for.
He got into bed. It was the only thing he could do.
“Good book?” he asked, then cringed.
Dean glanced up. “Of course. That’s why I took it with me.”
Cas thought of saying something completely stupid like Good to know then decided against it. This was supposed about not hurting or annoying Dean more than he had to. “I – I saw this new show on TV the other night.”
“You turned on the TV by yourself?” Dean wasn’t being obtuse, as he well knew, or trying to annoy him – but it had been him who had introduced Cas to most movies and shows he knew in the first place.
He carefully deliberated his answer. He couldn’t very well tell him the truth he himself had only just now realized – that he had felt lonely and missed his husband, so he had decided to watch TV. At the time he had believed himself to be bored because he had nothing to do. He really was an idiot. “I – it seemed like the right thing to do.”
“In am sure it did” Den said carefully, and Cas wished he could do what he used to do when things got awkward for whatever reason and kiss the scowl off his face.
“So, what show?”
“Sorry?” he’d been delving into a fantasy where he did actually kiss Dean because he still got to.
He sighed. “The show, Cas. You have already forgotten about it again? We need to talk about your skills watching TV, sunshine.”
“Oh. No. Of course –“
And Cas prattled on about the strange crime procedural he had watched because part of him had imagined doing so with Dean without being aware of it.
It was just inane chatter, of course – but the kind that Dean used to love to listen to because it meant that something interested Cas, and if that was the case, then Dean was happy.
At least that was how it had been. Cas didn’t know if he still actually listened – he certainly took a few glances into his book, but then he’d look up and smile at him, that gentle half-smile he loved so much –
This was not going to work. He should have taken a plane.
Why couldn’t they just have done this before? Why did their marriage have had to fall apart? Dean just didn’t get it. Certainly, Cas could have done this –
But no. he was going to be kind, damnit. He was going to get through this.
And then things went haywire in a rather spectacular fashion.
Mostly because, if you asked Dean, they went exactly the way he’d dreamed things to go for months now.
Cas hadn’t meant to. God knew he hadn’t meant to. But Dean was still smiling in that way – that way – and well – and he’d been listening all along, he realized – and – and – and –
And then they were kissing.
When he later thought about it, he would remember that Dean had been looking at him and he’d been looking at Dean and there had been a moment when he’d trailed off and completely forgotten what he had been talking about, and –
Then they were kissing. As stated before.
Oh God, was all he could think, yes. Yes. This was what had been missing from his life. Dean. Just Dean and him and moments were there was no one else in the world –
A part of him remembered that they were in a bed, and so it probably wasn’t surprising that they ended up lying down, although he would have been unable to say who’d pulled who on top of them or vice versa.
Yes. This. This was everything he wanted, everything he –
Dean wrenched himself out of his grip. He was about to grab him again when he saw his face and stopped short.
“Sorry man, but I can’t do this” his husband – his love – told him, breathing heavily. “It’s just – at this point it’s nothing but a reminder of what I can’t have anymore. I’ll – I’ll sleep in the car.”
And then he was gone.
Cas lay there, blinking, wondering how one of the most magical moments in his life had managed to turn into one of the worst.
“You idiot. You goddamn fucking idiot” Dean muttered to himself as he walked to the car, not caring that he was just wearing t-shirt and boxer shorts. It wasn’t like he was going to sleep, anyway.
Everything had been fine. He and Cas had been talking, or at least making small talk, and that had to count for something, too, right? So yeah, they had been on the right path, and then Dean had had to fuck things up the way he usually did.
Of course he had been the one to move in for the kiss. Why would Cas, considering he didn’t even like him that much anymore? Yes, it had most definitely been Dean himself.
What he couldn’t get over was the fact that Cas had responded, even though he should know better. Cas probably hadn’t gotten any in a while, and it was a fact that they had always had good sex. Really, it was just logical that Cas would decide and –
Only that it wouldn’t have been just sex for Dean. Despite knowing everything he knew, it would have been a form of reconciliation for him, and that would have meant that…
He sighed.
He had known from the moment Crowley first told him that this wasn’t going to end well.
Good God, making out with your ex-husband to be was probably a bad thing when you wanted a divorce, wasn’t it? He could have sworn he’d read something like that once. Something about “forgiveness” or stuff like that… wait, or was that only supposed to happen when one of the parties was at fault? Damn Sammy for telling him so much about his job. Or maybe it had been Crowley. Come to think of it, it probably had been Crowley. Sounded like something he’d go on and on about.
He leaned against Baby and sighed, the car grounding him as always. She had been his home when he was a kid, and she still calmed him down now.
He got in the backseat, his t-shirt already drenched in sweat, and prepared for an uncomfortable night.
So much for doing the right thing and letting Dean go.
God, he was even more of an asshole than Sam and their friends had probably thought he was.
How could he do this to Dean?
But – oh, how delicious it had felt to kiss him, hold him in his arms again, if only for a short time…
Cas buried his head in his hands. Much as he was loathe to admit to anyone what he had done, he needed advice.
“What did you do” Crowley immediately said upon picking up.
He didn’t even bother to ask how he knew he had done something. “I – I kissed Dean.”
A pause. Then, “I cannot say I have much experience on being married, but it seems to me like that is something couples do after they take the plunge.”
“You know as well as I do why we are on this trip” Cas said sharply. “You were the one who told us we had –“
“Are you telling me this is my fault now?”
Cas was silent for a moment. Yes, he and Crowley had always had their fights, but he’d never wavered from being a good friend to Dean. “No. Of course not. I am sorry.”
“It’s nothing. So what happened? All the sordid details, please.”
“I – dean – he pulled away. Said he’d sleep in the car.”
“In this heat?”
Of course that was the first thing that came to mind. “Yes.”
“I am not surprised” was all Crowley said.
“Me neither.” After all, Dean probably thought he had been using him.
“Okay you giraffe, here is an idea. I know you two have forgotten how to do it, but what about you use your words? Tell him you don’t want a divorce and you’ll spend the rest of your life making it up to him.”
“I – how did you know that?”
There was silence at the other end then, and Cas understood. “Crowley –“
“For God’s sake, Feathers” Crowley said, his voice thick with emotion “Just take care of him.”
And he hung up without another word.
Cas took a deep breath. He knew that Crowley had a point.
But –
He’d already hurt Dean so badly. His husband had spent months, undauntedly beating himself up, wishing he had done more to save their marriage when really, he had done everything he could and Cas had ignored him.
He didn’t deserve Dean. And Dean should find someone who deserved him.
But right now, he had to make sure that Dean wouldn’t sleep in the car, not in this heat.
And so he went and knocked on the window of the Impala.
Dean hadn’t gone to sleep. Of course he hadn’t. After he’d been so dumb, how could he possibly have been expected to turn his brain of for long enough to –
Of course Cas wouldn’t leave well enough alone, he thought when he heard the knock. He sighed and got out of the car. “Look, Cas, I’m sorry. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“No, it shouldn’t have.”
Dean really hoped that hadn’t made him flinch, but because of the numbness suddenly spreading through him from his breastbone, he couldn’t be sure. “Yes. Well then. I apologized.”
“Dean, please – don’t sleep in the car” Cas told him, his blue and beautiful eyes fixed on his face. “It’s much too hot; you’ll make yourself sick.”
“No offense” he said, looking away, the desire to lash oust and hurt Cas – and he knew how, he knew all the skeletons in his closet, knew that when they had first met, he’d still cried himself to sleep on a regular basis about his family cutting him off – “But I don’t think lying in bed next to the guy who doesn’t love me anymore when the opposite’s true in my case would help.”
“Who told you that the opposite was true?”
Dean stared at Cas. For a solid minute, neither of them spoke, then Cas cleared his throat and began “Dean –“
“Nope. l am not dealing with this now” he decided, turning around and choosing to return to their hotel room after all. How much could Cas hurt him now, really? This had felt like a slap to the face.
He hadn’t meant to say that. He truly hadn’t meant to say that.
And now he had hurt Dean, hurt him more than he had the night he’d walked out; he had seen it in his eyes.
Cas sighed and buried his face in his hands. How could he have made such a mess of things?
He ran around aimlessly for almost two hours before he had the courage to go back to the hotel. Thankfully, Dean had managed to fall asleep.
Cas preferred to lay down on the floor.
It proved to be a long night. He barely got any sleep, but he hadn’t expected to. His giant mistake from earlier continued to haunt him – no, his mistakes; for he should never have told Dean that he still loved him.
Of course he hadn’t believed him. Of course he hadn’t. Why should he? Crowley, in his somewhat romantic belief (although he would never admit it was such) that he and Dean were meant to be, had always been meant to be and would always be meant to be, had somehow convinced himself that it would be this easy, but it couldn’t be. Cas hadn’t just broken Dean’s heart when he had walked away from him; he’d also broken his trust in him.
At least Dean got some sleep. He had the distinct impression that hadn’t often been the case in the past few weeks. Maybe months.
And he knew exactly why.
Day Three
Dean opened his eyes to the same thoughts that had swirled around in his head when he had closed them.
Had Cas really –
Yes. Yes he had. And Dean, looking around but seeing him nowhere, suddenly felt a blinding rage. How dare he. He’d dreamed for six months to hear these words, and now…
He swallowed. Time to get this over with. They just had to reach Vegas, get the certificate, and then he’d sit Cas on a plane and thankfully not see him for a while.
And the worst part of it all was that Dean still wanted to believe him. He still loved him, and he wanted to believe him and pull him into his arms and tell him that was all he’d ever wanted to hear, and –
But it wasn’t possible. He had to think with his head, not his heart; he had to be strong.
The door opened. Cas came in. When he saw that Dean was awake, he shuffled his feet. “Good morning. Did you sleep well?”
He shrugged. “Well enough.”
He knew Cas, and he could tell that he hadn’t slept at all, but wouldn’t admit to it if he should ask.
“I brought donuts” Cas rushed out.
“Thank you” he replied. It was all he could come up with.
They ate in silence.
It was pretty certain that was how they were going to spend the day.
Cas was suffering, and it was his own fault. He might have been able to forgive himself if he hadn’t caused Dean pain, too.
He resolved to be silent.
The problem with that was that in the quiet, it was all too easy to remember.
Seven years ago
Cas had heard that people were supposed to be nervous when they got married. In his case, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. He couldn’t wait to marry Dean.
They had decided against anything big – mostly because just the first few websites about weddings they had checked were enough to “give anyone anxiety” (Dean’s words, not his, although he definitely agreed with the sentiment) and therefore, they were eloping.
Granted, eloping in this case meant they had Sam, Benny, Charlie and Crowley in tow, but they couldn’t very well be expected to marry without their best friends in attendance, could they?
The ceremony was simple. They had decided not to write their own vows – as Dean had put it “We already know what we mean to each other, don’t we, sunshine?” and Cas could only agree.
And it wasn’t as if they didn’t let each other know every single day what the other meant to them.
Yes, Cas thought as he put the ring on Dean’s finger, till death do us part. As it should be.
Now
Dean parked in front of the small church they had married it and they both spent some time quietly studying it. It hadn’t changed.
They had changed. Cas had thrown everything they had promised to each other that day away.
“Well then” Dean decided, “Let’s get this over with.”
He slammed the door shut behind him with a vehemence he would normally apologize for, and Cas winced as he followed him.
Words lay heavy on his tongue, words that he had wanted to tell Dean last night, when they had kissed for the very last time, when he had believed for a moment –
Dean abruptly stood still and Cas all but walked into him.
He turned around, eyes blazing. “Alright. I know this is a mistake, but I have to know. I have to. It’s not like this can hurt anymore than it already does.”
Cas wanted to ask what couldn’t hurt anymore, but he knew. Of course he knew.
His resolve wavered.
And then he realized he had never asked himself what Dean actually wanted. He’d been concentrating so much on sacrificing his own happiness for Dean’s that he’d never stopped and paused and considered what that happiness would actually entail.
Hadn’t his husband often told him that he tended to focus too much on the big picture and forget the details?
“Alright. Here goes” Dean took a deep breath. “Sunshine, when you told me last night “Who told you that the opposite was true?” what did you mean!?”
“I – I –“ Cas looked right into his eyes. And then the words came out, words that he should have spoken months ago, on that night when he had instead left his husband. “I still love you. I love your intelligence, your charm, your kindness, the way your eyes light up when you eat a burger. I love your determination to look after your students as best as you can. I love you. I love you so much and I forgot, somehow, and then I remembered, and now the thought of spending my lifetime without you almost drives me to despair. But I was going to give you up because you deserve better than this, and – and I would have but now you asked –“ He broke off.
Dean was rubbing his face with both hands. “This isn’t happening” he muttered. “This isn’t happening.”
“Dean –“ he reached out to him.
“No!” he wrenched himself out of Cas’ grasp. “You don’t get to do this to me! You don’t get to ignore me for months despite living together as husbands and then walk out – you don’t get to basically then forgetting I even exist for six months while the divorce went ahead – and most of all you don’t get to spend three days with me than decide, oh well, guess I’ll take him back after all. Because you know what!?” he had begun to shout, but Cas was unsure if he even realized it. “YOU ARE RIGHT! I DESERVE BETTER! I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER! I mean, God knows I can be a bastard if I want to, but I STILL DESERVE A HUSBAND WHO LOVES ME AND WON’T WALK AWAY AND BREAK MY HEART!!!”
Thankfully they were in Vegas and people were used to scenes of this sort, Cas thought dumbly. Because this – this was exactly what he deserved. To be broken up with on the open street by the love of his life, who would then proceed to storm off and make sure their marriage was over.
“And you are AN IDIOT if you believe I would just accept your explanation and happily welcome you back into MY LIFE –“ Dean took a deep, shuddering breath. “In fact, do you know what? The only thing more idiotic than believing that is me actually doing it, which is exactly what I am about to do because I can’t learn a goddamn lesson, apparently.”
Cas blinked, needing a few moments to catch on.
And then he understood and a joy he hadn’t felt in too long rose in his chest. “Oh, Dean –“
And he would have thrown himself into his arms and kissed him right there and then, if Dean hadn’t raised his hands. “Wait a moment, Cas. I – I don’t think I can just go back to what we were. You hurt me, man. You really, really hurt me.”
“Yes I did” he said quietly, “And I regret it more than I have ever regretted anything in my entire life. And if you will give me the chance, I will spend every second we are given trying to make it up to you. I promise.”
Dean laughed a joyless laugh and Cas was dismayed to see tears in his eyes. “I can’t even say if I believe you.”
“I don’t blame you.” He truly didn’t. Not after everything that had happened.
Dean took a deep, shuddering breath and rubbed his eyes. “Fuck it. Let’s get something to eat.”
There was a clear challenge in his eyes that Cas understood only too well. If he was stupid enough to ask if they shouldn’t get their marriage licence –
But he wasn’t. Incredibly, Dean had given him a chance, and he would be damned if he lost it. “That sounds heavenly.”
Dean stared at him, then tentatively smiled and held out his hand.
Cas took it as if it was the most precious thing he had ever seen because – it was.
And together, they walked down the street and away from the church.
Neither of them looked back.
That night
There had been more than one empty room at this particular motel, so Cas decided it was a good sign that Dean had automatically only asked for one.
They were lying next to each other in the dark, careful not to touch. Cas wanted Dean to be the one to decide their boundaries for now, no matter how much he longed to reach out to him.
Then, Dean quietly said, “I missed this.”
“Me, too” Cas admitted, “Only I didn’t realize at the time.”
“For someone as clever as you, you can be a damn fucking idiot.”
“Yes” he immediately agreed.
A pause. Then, Dean added, sounding slightly lost, “I meant what I said back on the street, you know. And I – part of me doesn’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you completely.”
“That’s alright.” It wasn’t, of course; but should Dean tell him one day that he had to leave, he would.
Another pause, and he wondered if Dean had fallen asleep when he breathed, “That’s good, then. Can I have a good night kiss?”
Dean’s cheeks were wet, but Cas didn’t care.
Epilogue – One Year Later
Cas walked up to Dean’s office.
Or at least he tried to.
“Look at that, it’s the biggest idiot on God’s green earth!”
Cas turned around. “Hello, Crowley. College business again?”
“You know me. No rest for the wicked” he grinned. “Dean’s about to go to lunch – I’ve got a court date, otherwise I would have accompanied him. Well, it might be for the best – leave the two love birds alone.”
Maybe he would have been annoyed, if he hadn’t yet still considered it a miracle that Dean had eventually found the strength to forgive him. It had taken him a long time – not that Cas could blame him for that – but nine months after their road trip, nine months in which he had done his outmost to balance his work and his home life and show Dean every day that he still loved and appreciated him, his husband had taken his hand and led him to the bed they had until then just be sleeping in.
Not anymore, he thought, remembering last night.
“Alright Feathers, normally I’d be intrigued, but since there is no chance of seducing either of you, I’m out.”
He bid Crowley goodbye and knocked on the door to Dean’s office.
“Come in.”
He sounded stressed; small wonder if he’d needed Crowley to sort something out.
Cas went in.
Dean looked up, his eyes wide and his hair in disarray, but his expression morphed into one of delight when he saw him. “Hello, sunshine. Come to see me?”
“I thought we could do lunch in Benny’s café.”
Dean blinked. “It’s lunchtime already?”
Yes, Cas decided, it had been a good idea to show up in order to drag Dean out of his office. Finals week was looming once more.
He leaned down to kiss him. “Yes it is, which is why we should feed you. You must be hungry.”
Dean frowned. “Pretty sure I had a sandwich.”
“That was yesterday. Charlie gave it to you, remember?”
Dean sighed. “I should take better care of myself.”
“That’s what you’ve got me for” Cas said gently, sliding his hands over Dean’s hips and drawing him into an embrace.
He grinned. “Right.”
Sometimes, Cas still thought that Dean had forgiven him too easily; but he would certainly not hurt him by trying to get away again.
“Alright then. Lunch it is.”
And as their lips met, Cas swore once more to himself that he’d never forget how much he loved his husband again.
Crowley fished his phone out of his pocket as soon as Cas was out of sight. Whether they knew it or not, Dean’s and Cas’ friends had kept a close eye on the stage of their marriage. Just to make sure.
Feathers showed up to have lunch with Squirrel. Seems things are still going well. C.
Sam would be relieved – the Moose was still worried, although Crowley was sure that there was no reason for that.
At least, he thought to himself with a smile he would never have called wistful himself, his investment of bribing every motel on the route from Lawrence to Vegas so there’d only been one room free for one particular couple was paying off.