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For Sam, going to sleep was like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.
She never knew what nightmare would terrorize her subconscious until it was too late. Sometimes it was Jolinar’s memories of rebellion and fear, finally able to breathe when her own consciousness slept. Sometimes it was missions; missions SG-1 had gone on that should’ve gone wrong, missions she hoped they’d never receive, or missions in the dead of space where no one could save them but her. Other times, it was losing Janet on the battlefield, where no amount of screaming or tears or pleading with a higher power could ever bring her home.
The nightmares were only half the struggle, however.
She could wake up to anything: a Goa’uld prison where guards waited with staff weapons for one wrong flinch; a sleeping bag on the forest floor, pinecones and pebbles bruising her spine; or a bed big enough for two, the space beside her empty.
She was fortunate that tonight, Janet’s bedside lamp clicked on. Dim light pushed back the shadows as she groggily asked, “Sam?”
Sam swallowed, trying to steady her breathing. She was okay. She was home. Janet was safe. Everyone was safe… but her stomach was still in knots.
“I had a nightmare.” As much as she loved Janet, she’d hesitated to admit the obvious. Janet was starting to recognize how common these were becoming for her, and Sam didn’t think she could handle the medical approach at 2:32 in the morning.
“Sam, honey,” she said, rubbing a scar on her arm Janet had stitched herself. “That’s the fourth one this week.”
Sam took a deep breath. “I know.”
“Talk to me. Please.”
She wanted to. She really did, but she didn’t want Janet to feel guilty. Janet had been going through the gate a lot more frequently lately, and every time she watched the wormhole swallow her up… her heart sank. How was she supposed to know she would ever see her again?
But she could see the concern in Janet’s eyes now, and she knew she wouldn’t get away with anything but the truth.
“I… I keep dreaming you’re gone.”
“Oh, Sam.” She stroked Sam’s cheek, guiding her jaw so they would face one another. “I’m here. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know. It’s just… anything could happen once you’re on the other side of the gate, and…” She swallowed against a lump in her throat. “What if I'm not there to protect you?”
“You know,” said Janet, shifting on the mattress. “I worry about the same thing every time I watch you leave... but I know you’ll always fight like hell to come back home to me.”
A smile tugged at the corner of Sam’s mouth. “You’re right about that.”
“And I’ll always, always do the same.” Janet kissed her cheek, and Sam noticed her heartbeat had finally calmed. It no longer pounded like drums in the night. “I promise.”
“Me too.”
“Now, I do want to look into this at the base, maybe have you talk to someone, just to make sure everything’s okay. And don’t,” she said, causing Sam to pause as she went to lie back down, “roll your eyes at me. Or I might have a nightmare about you next.”
“Janet...”
“I’m serious.”
“I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.” She draped her arm over Janet once the lamp was off. Despite the darkness, she felt safer knowing Janet was beside her. “Goodnight, Janet.”
Janet’s hand rested atop her own. “Goodnight.”