Chapter Text
There’s a whirlwind of black and red and blue and fire in the throne room as they fight, back to back, the Force singing around them as they work in tandem, as if it’s praising their togetherness. From the moment Rey launches the lightsaber over to Ben, the air in the room stills.
He’s staring at her.
She’s staring at him.
Rey takes the first step to close the distance between them, eyes flashing from his and back to the fleet outside the window, a feeling of pure terror welling up inside of her.
“Call off the strike,” Rey says finally, “Now, Ben.”
She can’t even hide the surprise that crosses her face when Ben lifts his wrist, and without taking his eyes from her, speaks into the comm to order Hux to cease the attack. A sputtering of confusion comes from the other end of the line, but he ignores it, dropping his wrist back to his side. Rey is at a loss for any more words.
“Rey,” his voice is soft, so at odds with the horror that surrounds them. “It’s time to let old things die. Snoke, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, the Rebels - Rey, I want you to join me. We can rule together and bring a new order to the galaxy.”
His words speak of newness and rebirth, of leaving everything behind. But Rey has already left everything behind, had left it all the moment she left Ahch-To to come to Ben. No one in her life now will ever understand that decision, and she’s not sure she wants to have to explain it. How could she look at the people she knows now, at Leia and Luke, and tell them that neither of the paths they offer are the right ones?
Rey can never be a Jedi.
There’s a nagging voice in the back of her head telling her to take Ben’s hand, outstretched towards her, the destruction of Snoke’s throne room glowing around them.
“Please,” he whispers then, dark eyes pleading and trembling outstretched fingertips a sort of peace offering - a promise.
“Take off your glove,” Rey commands, and there’s a flash of confusion in Ben’s eyes before he pulls his hand back and rips off the leather, just like he’d done that night through their Bond. And Rey is looking at Ben Solo again.
It’s Ben Solo’s hand that she places her fingertips in.
<hr>
“Your foot is too far forward,” Ben growls, knocking Rey back with another powerful swing of the lightsaber her way. She wants to scream.
“You are not playing fair. You said Ataru,” Rey reminds him with an annoyed clip in her voice, “You’re using Djem So.”
“I told you to use Ataru,” Ben counters, stepping forward to air a strike at her ribs, that she blocks with an outstretched hand. “I never specified that I also had to use the same form.”
“Which only reinforces my earlier point, which is that you’re not being fair,” Rey shouts, sliding under his blade as he aims, stopping it with her own.
“Life’s not fair, Rey,” Ben tells her darkly, thumbing off his lightsaber and instead ducking and twisting and bending away from her still glowing blade, as if he’s testing his own ability to maneuver away from her. It absolutely enrages her when he does this. She just wants him to fight back.
Rey reaches out a hand and focuses all the energy she has on his retreating form, asking the tendrils of the Force to wrap around his ankle and pull him down. It listens.
She grins in triumph when he hits the ground with a groan.
“That is not Ataru,” Ben huffs, lying sprawled on his back on the black training mat, bare torso looking even more pale against the stark darkness of the room. Rey steps over to him and holds out her hand. “You’d be stronger if you stopped asking for the Force to do things, and just bent it.”
Rey shakes her head. “I told you - I won’t ever abuse it. It does what I ask, so why force its hand?”
“Because it will make you more powerful,” Ben explains, again.
“Only on the outside, Ben,” Rey reminds him, “Coexistence with the Force is what keeps it alive.”
For a moment, he looks at her strangely, taking her hand and standing to his full height. His stature used to be intimidating, especially when they spar - but now Rey finds it a useful challenge. And extremely, irritatingly arousing.
“My mother will be here today,” Ben reminds her quietly, but the pain that goes through Rey at the thought of Leia Organa is nothing compared to the anxiety that trickles through their Bond, seeping off of Ben like a sickness. “Have you made a decision about whether or not to tell her you’re here?”
Rey glances up at the porthole in the ceiling, studying the stars as they rush by for a moment to avoid answering the question. “I think she already knows,” she admits finally.
Ben nods. “I think she does, too.”
“Do you think she’ll be angry?” Rey asks. Ben looks at her with narrowed eyes for a moment, but doesn’t respond. She doesn’t really need him to - she already knows the answer. Rey is sure that Leia has no doubts about where Rey disappeared to.
And she has no doubt that Leia Organa will use Rey being in the middle to her every advantage, just as Ben plans to.
Rey can’t say that she blames mother or son for it.
“Get ready,” Ben instructs, in the voice that Rey quietly associates with Kylo Ren rather than the man she’s gotten to know. “She won’t wait long.”
<hr>
In the privacy of her quarters, Rey stares at herself in the mirror and contemplates exactly how her life turned this way. The woman who looks back at her now is in some ways, unrecognizable. Her hair is longer and fuller and her body is tighter with training, adorned in stupidly ornate jewels that she already can’t wait to tear off. Her lips and cheeks are redder.
She is smarter.
Three months with the First Order has taught Rey all she needs to know to take it down, and Leia is the final piece of her puzzle. Rey just prays to the Force that she has the courage to face her, after disappearing the way she did.
Rey had taken Ben’s hand because she’d seen what they could do together. But each day that goes by, the visions she’d seen in the hut on Ahch-To seem further and further away - and every day she wonders if she’s interpreted them all wrong. She wonders exactly which side they’ll stand on together, or if there will be a side to take at all. She can admit, just a little bit, that everything she’d seen was vague. Could it be that they had seen the same things? That they’re pulling each other towards the same line without realizing they were both right?
Frustrated by her continuous lack of understanding, Rey turns away from the mirror and reluctantly pulls her shoes from the floor. There are lots of things she’s learned, living aboard one of the First Order’s many large command ships in the pat three months. Practically the first thing she learned was this she hates heels. She wears them, of course, because they’re practically the only shoe that’s been given to her besides the boots she wears to train in, and it’s nearly out of spite that she’s mastered walking in them. It took about two weeks of blisters and pacing around in her rooms to get used to them, finding which ones were more comfortable than others, and gritting her teeth every time she wears them. The more straps, the better - it’s less likely she’ll step right out of the shoe when she wears it, then.
The closet aboard her room on the ship is stocked with everything that is completely unpractical and far too luxurious. Thus far, she’s dealt only with the dresses that are flowy, that her legs can move in. And the jumpsuits. She quite likes those, though she doesn’t plan on admitting it.
The one she’s chosen today is black, and fabric made into a skirt falls transparent and floating around her hips, trailing behind her as she walks. At least the pants are connected, even if such excess fabric has no use other than being in her way. Rey clips the gold belt around her waist and ties the shoes up on her feet, rising to full height just as the buzzer announces Ben’s arrival.
“She’s here,” he states, waltzing in through the door that opens only for the two of them. An extra security measure that perhaps Rey should be grateful for - she has no doubt that there are people aboard the ship who would rather see her dead.
“I know,” Rey replies, glancing out at the starry expanse that the window reveals. She had felt when Leia landed on the ship, and in turn had felt the flash of confusing emotion that had emanated from Ben through the Bond. Rey takes a breath and turns back to him.
His eyes are intent on her, dark.
“Let’s go.”
<hr>
There are things about Ben Solo that Rey doesn’t understand, and then there are things that she understands perfectly well.
Where he learned to move the way he does, is something she doesn’t know.
Leia moves with determined grace, her head held high, and Han had walked with a distinct sort of swagger. Luke paced, thoughtfully and controlled.
Ben Solo moves in a far more primal manner. There are hints of his family in each step he takes, from Leia’s grace and Han’s almost sliding stride, a little bit of Luke’s straight-backed stance - and then there’s the slight prowl in his gait, as if he’s always hunting for something, chin down and eyes upturned in a way that is meant to be daunting. Rey knows everyone else finds him intimidating. She finds him fascinating.
Rey follows quietly behind said striding man as they make their way to the upper level of the ship.
Stop thinking so loud, he calls through their Bond, hands clenching in front of her. Rey stops short.
I can’t do it, she tells him. Mid-step, Ben swings around to look at her, the escort party with General Hux and Pryde and Guards stopping with them. Ben closes the distance between them in three short steps.
Rey, even in her head he sounds like he’s growling.
I can’t face her, Ben.
And you think this is any easier for me?
“I hate it when they do this,” Hux mutters with an annoyed sigh. Rey pays no attention.
I’ll wait outside, Rey thinks to him, and doesn’t do him the service of keeping eye contact for him to respond before walking past him, headed in the direction of the conference room.
She’s going to see you either way, he reminds her, Face your fears, Jedi.
It’s much more than a fear that Rey is facing as she walks down the corridor next to Ben. She feels Leia’s Force signature lingering beyond the closed door, and with it, she feels Poe. And Finn. No, what she faces here is not fear - it’s the reality of her choice, the disappointment and pain that she’s caused. It’s nothing so trivial as fear.
If you hadn’t of joined me, they’d be dead already. Ben reminds her of this in a hushed tone from his head to hers. She rounds on him, hand on the door to stop him from opening it.
“Don’t you dare use these people against me like that,” Rey hisses, glaring daggers into Ben’s dark eyes. You promised me I wasn’t a prisoner when I took your hand. Don’t treat me like one.
Behind them, Hux clears his throat. “Supreme Leader,” he snaps, “We really must be getting on with this.”
“Stay here,” Ben instructs her then, fury in his eyes as Rey steps back and allows him to open the door, shaking as it promptly shuts once the party has entered the room.
She had wanted to stay back. But now that he’s forced her out of the room, she wants back in it.
Rey pulls back open the door and is met with the face of Leia Organa and her son, both staring at her with wide eyes.
“So, you’ve kept her alive, then? Poor move on your part,” Poe says, and Rey figures that it’s addressed at Ben, but she can’t move her eyes to confirm. She’s only just now realizing how alike Leia and Ben’s eyes are, how similar in shape and how dark they look in anger. “You have no idea what she is.”