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You remember the day you actually came out to your brother, you can't remember exactly how old you were, maybe nine or ten. You hadn't really even meant to, or really known what you were talking about. He had just walked past you.
"What do you want for dinner, Lil Sis?" he had asked, and you had sort of lost your cool for a little bit.
"Don't call me that!" You'd snapped, "I'm not a girl."
"Kay, what do you want for dinner Lil Bro?" and that had been that.
You'd talked about it more in depth later, and he'd gotten you everything that you needed as you needed it. He really was the best brother in the fucking universe.
But he isn't around anymore and you don't have any of your things.
You had to stop wearing your binder early on, and that was possibly the worst thing at the point. You could deal with being alone on a world full of fucking lava, but having to go around without a binder? Not so much apparently. But it was too dangerous to keep on. You could break a rib, you were already having some trouble breathing, and during a fight it would be more of a hindrance than your actual chest.
It was a small comfort for a while that there wasn't anyone else around you to see. You didn't exactly have to worry too much about passing because the only living things around you were either crocodiles or trying to kill you.
When you finally met up with Rose, she hadn't said anything. You saw her eyebrows twitch slightly at the sight of you, but she kept her mouth shut. It helped a little, but didn't actually do too much in the long run. The real problem was the fact that they had gotten bigger. You weren't sure if your old binder that was still tucked in your sylladex would even fit you right anymore, and that wasn't even touching on the fact that you hadn't taken T in a year.
Your voice stayed the same, thank god. But your period came back, and a lot of the hard muscle that you had before had softened slightly. Not disappeared, just sort of gotten more feminine. Your whole body had really. It sucked, you've never hated your body more than you did here. Every time you move you feel like you're going to lose your mind.
But there isn't time.
You're the Knight of Time and there's still not enough time for your inevitable break down. You put it off longer.
When you find out that you're going to be hanging around a meteor and not doing much of jack shit you want to cry a little, you're so relieved. You don't, that's not cool, but it's still true.
-
Your binder doesn't fit.
You can tell the second you put it on, it's too small for your chest, your ribs are screaming, you can't breathe.
You cry then. You resist the urge to rip the thing apart, and settle for throwing it as far away from you as you can manage. Then you wrap yourself up in your sweet ass new cape and you cry.
-
At one point during your breakdown someone walks in on you and then leaves.
You don't know who it was and you don't really care because now you just feel tired and worn out. Your head hurts now and your face is smeared with tears. You don't give two shits about who it was right now.
Then someone comes back.
"Dave, are you alright?" you hear Rose ask through the layer of cape. "Karkat told me that you might be in need of some help."
Figures that it was Karkat. Supposedly there's nothing to be scared of or done, but the guy is still totally anal about knowing where everyone is at all times. You guess that after everything that's happened, you can't really blame him.
"I'm fine." you mumble. She scoffs at you.
"Dave, it is plainly obvious that you aren't alright." she says, and you hear her settle down next to you. She doesn't try to unwrap you, or touch you at all, you're silently grateful.
"I... My binder doesn't fit." You say finally, "I thought that since I didn't have to be running around anymore I would be able to wear it. But it doesn't fit me anymore. And I'm off my testosterone and I look more like a girl than I ever fucking have and I fucking hate it."
She's quiet for a while, and you can practically hear the cogs in her brain turning.
"Well." she says slowly, "We could always try to alchemize you a larger binder. I'm not sure what we could do about the testosterone however, you are the only human boy on this meteor and I don't have a well enough understanding of troll biology to be able to discern if they have any we could use."
You smile to yourself.
"If the world ever decides to undestroy itself, you're gonna be a great therapist." you tell her, subtly wiping off your face before sitting up.
She smirks at you, "I know."
You shake your head, "Damn Lalonde, you sure know how to take a compliment, huh?"
-
It takes a while, but you finally figure out how to alchemize a binder that's big enough to fit you properly.
You're shaking as you pull it on, because you and Rose have tried so many times and you're starting to lose hope a little, but you pull it on.
It fits you perfectly.
You let out a crazed little laugh, and pull Rose into a hug that knocks the breath out of her. After she gets over her surprise, she hugs you back and laughs with you.
When you leave and head back to the common area, you're standing straighter than you have since you started the game.
Karkat is walking past you, and then he stops, his eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"Can I help you?" you ask, wondering if he's going to comment.
"I thought you were shorter." he snaps, "Do humans grow really fucking fast or something, what the hell?"
Right. You're pretty sure that trolls don't have the same gendered bodies that humans do anything. You're not even sure how gender works on Alternia.
"Yeah man, we grow in little spurts, you go to sleep one night and then you wake up and you're like, four inches taller." you say, smirking.
If it's even possible, his eyes narrow further. He stalks off, and you know that he's going to go ask Rose to make sure you aren't lying to him, this isn't the first time you've intentionally led him astray.
Kanaya just compliments you on your posture, and Terezi informs you that you smell better now than you ever have.
That's that.
-
You still don't have any T. But Rose is working on it with her freaky little chemistry set and if you trust anyone to get it done, it's Lalonde.
So yeah, you aren't perfect. You've pretty much lost all hope of ever getting top surgery, because unfortunately for you, Kanaya with a chainsaw isn't going to work as a surgeon for this particular operation. You don't have your hormones.
But you have a binder and your friends don't give two shits about your body so you're pretty good for now.
You fit.