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Perspective is a matter of observation over comprehension. Far more important is it take notice of an issue than to understand it. First you need to recognize the problem before trying to fix it. Information gathering is the key and patience. Tender issues need a lot of gentle prodding into the right direction instead of a push. Atsushi knows different kinds of people have different issues. While some are similar at their cause dealing with them varies from person to person. There is no simple cure, only hard work and dedication to getting better. Some people prefer to ignore their problems, push it aside as if it either didn’t exist or it’d collect dust and be swept under the rug. Others didn’t realize they had a problem in need of fixing in the first place.
Atsushi hadn’t counted Dazai to be one of them.
From all the issues painted in neon signs across Dazai’s person, from the bandages to the river water clinging to the tips of his hair on most days, Atsushi never thought the most noteworthy would be food.
Who’d ever want to go hungry?
Nobody. At least nobody Atsushi could imagine. Starving is a horrible way to die. Pangs of hunger coiling the muscles in your stomach to a painful knot. The knot would swell up to your throat until your bones would break under the brittle weight of carrying the hunger. Strength nothing but a faint memory of dead muscles.
Dazai-san hates pain. He’d never want to die such a horrible death.
Except the root of the problem seemed to be Dazai’s inability to feel hunger at all. Atsushi couldn’t shake of the feeling of shame at having taken so long to notice.
“Are you hungry, kid? Well, let Kunikida treat you to something!”
Dazai hadn’t eaten anything. Despite the growling of his stomach rivaling Atsushi’s own on that day they met at the riverside. Not one rice corn had passed Dazai’s lips while Atsushi had scarfed down at least ten bowls.
But Dazai looked healthy enough. Skinny but not underweighted. Having been lost in his binge eating, the fear of having to go hungry for the next few weeks again spurning him on, he hadn’t wasted more than a curiosity glance at the man at that time.
A mistake he came to regret.
Nobody has spoken up. There had been no warning. No sign of anything being amiss.
But that should have been a warning all on its own.
“Breathing is such a bother. Ahh, if only breathing could fill my stomach up!”
An odd way to phrase a complaint. Seeing Kunikida glaring at the limp lump of limbs on the couch, chewing noisily on an unpeeled banana Atsushi remained seated.
“If you’re too lazy to peel a banana then just go die.”
“What? How mean!” A pause. “Doesn’t Kunikida-kun know that the most nutrition is in the skin of fruits?”
Before Kunikida could take out his pen, Yosano’s head poked out from her office no doubt having heard the outstanding lie of justifying eating unpeeled bananas. A smile of grim amusement on her face as she sighed in exasperation, eyes twinkling in the low light.
“He’s messing with you. That’s a lie.”
Dazai pouted, letting his head fall back onto the cushion of the arm of the couch as he pointed his unpeeled banana at Yosano ignoring Kunikida shouting at him from above.
“Stop messing around already, Dazai!”
“Yosano-sensei is ruining all my fun. Shouldn’t you be busy doing doctor things? Filling up your medical cabinets, sorting out your needles and scalpels and cleaning your equipment to get off all of that sticky blood?”
Yosano offered him a grin full of teeth. “Are you volunteering?”
“…I’d rather pass.”
Deflating at her leer as he slumps against the couch, trying to appear as small as possible behind Kunikida’s towering form he let out a sigh of relief when she shrugged her shoulders and vanished into her office.
“Give that here.” Kunikida snatched the banana out of his hand, peeling away the skin with harsh tugs before shoving it near Dazai’s face. “There, you lazy bastard. Eat it already. We’re not wasting food around here.”
“Is Kunikida-kun going to cut me cute shapes out of apples, next?”
Dazai swoons, making eyes at Kunikida who scowls and turns away to stomp back to his desk. Puffing out his cheeks at being ignored Dazai huffed and turned around.
By the time they closed up he still had a piece of banana he was chewing on.
“He was underweighted, you know. All skin and bones the first time he showed up here. Yosano had a fit about it.”
Hands tightening their hold on his pants, Atsushi frowned. “Shouldn’t we make sure he’s eating three meals every day, then?”
Anger swimming in pools of green poison, Ranpo gave a laugh full of the bitterness of coffee he loathed. “What makes you think we didn’t try that already?”
At the Agency issues aren’t talked about. Prying is forbidden. An unspoken rule of the right to privacy is held in the highest regards. They don’t ask about Atsushi’s habit of hoarding food in his apartment, Kyouka doesn’t mention it beyond a weird look of comprehension on her face the first time she catches him sneaking away because he was still hungry after dinner. Neither do they speak about Kyouka’s trembling fingers whenever someone mentions getting a haircut.
Atsushi cannot fully grasp the concept of the reason behind such silence but he chooses to heed the invisible line of barbed wire drawn into the sand. A boundary he shouldn’t cross.
Family. Protect. Protect.
The Tiger inside of him growls and Atsushi knows, it’s only a matter of time until he losses himself to the fierce urge to pry out the secrets with his claws to guard them close to his chest.
It may be one of the only times the beast inside of him and Atsushi come to an agreement.
When Dazai goes missing for a few days nobody seems worried. Atsushi knows it’s because of the faith they have in the man, knows he doesn’t have to worry because for all his flippant disappearances Dazai can take care of himself if the need to protect himself arises.
Yet when he eats his lunch it weights heavy in his stomach.
“Did you miss me~?”
Kunikida is the first to answer, looking more resigned at the late arrival than angry. “Who’d miss you?”
Dazai grins, like it’s an endearment instead of an insult as he goes over to his desk. “You, of course! Kunikida-kun is lonely without me after all.”
Atsushi doesn’t bother listening to the rest of their little argument. His eyes stray to the faint dark circle underneath sharp eyes, picks out the collarbone he can see with his own, doubled up vision and frowns in concern when he sees the sharpness of cheekbones against ashen skin.
Whatever had kept Dazai away from the office resulted in weight loss. Enough to be noticeable.
The Tiger growls, a loud and sudden noise in his hazy thoughts. Hackles raised in anger he can feel the sensation prickle across his skin.
Nourish .
Fighting the urge to go out to do something silly like bring a dead bird back to the Agency’s doorstep, he ignores the hissing echoing inside his ribs, imagines the Tiger pacing back angrily back and forth inside the makeshift prison of his bones and interrupts the argument with little thought of rudeness.
“Have you eaten lunch yet, Dazai-san?”
The answer is obvious even for something lacking Ranpo’s observation skills. For all his intended purpose of discretion, his intention must be written across his face.
Please let me buy you lunch Dazai-san.
Instead of turning it into a joke, of weaseling money out of the offer Dazai narrows his eyes and smiles.
A smile disarming Atsushi at once. Because—
“I’m not hungry at all Atsushi-kun. I’ve been fighting a stomach bug the past few days, you see, and eating something could end up in a disaster. Though, Kunikida-kun could learn from your generosity~.”
“What was that, asshole?”
—inside of those lies would be a truth.
Atsushi wants to push, to demand to buy it regardless because take-out could be kept until Dazai felt hungry. But Dazai’s turning away to annoy Kunikida, a clear dismissal for him to drop it.
Pushing now would disparage Dazai’s wish for privacy. Atsushi knows such a thing wouldn’t be forgiven lightly.
Coward. The Tiger snarls in disagreement.
Shut up! Atsushi isn’t going to get into trouble for nothing. Maybe, it’s a one-time thing and he’s just prone to worry about pointless things.
Death by starvation is painful. Dazai-san just isn’t hungry.
He doesn’t humor the thought that living might be as well.
“Eating disorders are fragile in their treatment.”
Gentle and insistent. Yosano in the dim-light of her office looks as weary as if she’s spoken a death sentence.
“He doesn’t even know he’s got one.”
The sharp edges of his finger nails are digging into his palms.
“I know.”
Then why aren’t we doing anything about it?! Atsushi wants to yell, shout, to break one of her medical shelfs. Wants to see her lightening up in fury instead of seeing the grim lines of sadness tightening the lines of her face.
“Surely, if we keep insisting on him eating then—”
Yosano bares her teeth, eyes flashing as she lays down the scalpel, she’s been cleaning all this time. The tray rattles, knocking over a glass of water across her desk.
“Shoving food down his throat without his permission is what’s caused this in the first place.”
She snaps, bangs hiding her eyes from sight as she sucks in a breath.
“Get out of my office.”
Atsushi pretends he doesn’t see her hands shaking.
A single piece of fish. That’s all it took to lay his worries to rest.
“Don’t mind if I take some!”
Swift chopsticks stole a piece of sushi of his plate faster than Atsushi could blink and when he looks up Dazai is chewing on the piece, swallowing it without much trouble. When he tries to dive for another one, he reaches for Kyouka’s plate, where she blocks his attempt with her own set of chopsticks.
Kyouka holds her chopsticks like she’d stab someone in the throat with them. Her hands are quick and agile and if it wouldn’t make him queasy thinking about it, Atsushi is sure he could picture her killing someone with them.
Dazai smirks, eyes glinting and Atsushi watches them fight over the sushi like it’s a matter of life or death.
“It’s delicious!”
Kyouka blinks down at her plate finding a piece missing. She frowns.
“I lost.”
“I’ve got years of experience on you, so don’t take it too hard.”
Narrowing her eyes as she pulls her plate closer to her, she holds up her chopsticks.
“I demand a rematch.”
“Sure!” Dazai chirps out, smile growing as he snaps his chopsticks against each other similar to how a scissor would snap close and open. “But if I win Atsushi-kun has to pay.”
“Deal.” She tries to swat his hands away and misses. Watching them, Atsushi relaxes with every piece of sushi ending up in Dazai’s mouth. Kyouka’s laugh when one ends up hitting him in the face easing the tension of his muscles.
The thought of being tricked never crossed his mind.
“Sometimes, when I fight, I forget how hungry I must be! Because my powers rely on my stomach being empty it’s normal for me to go without food most of the day. I think for Mister Dazai it’s the same.”
Licking off the ketchup on his fingers Kenji swallows his mouthful of ham, cheese, bread and salad. The restaurant is bustling with the amount of people coming in for dinner but Atsushi hears the words as clearly as if they were shouted.
“He doesn’t seem to want to throw up after eating, so I guess he’s so super skinny because he simply isn’t hungry at all! It’s not throwing up the food but forgetting to get some that’s keeping off that weight. Maybe he’s thinking better on an empty stomach? I always get so sleepy after eating, it’d make sense.”
“That’s…that’s not normal! Never being hungry? Even after days of forgetting to eat?”
Kenji hums, wiping at the corner of his mouth. His smile is muted compared to his normal sunshine disposal.
“I don’t understand it either, just look at how much I’m eating when I can but Mister Dazai is odd even for our standards, don’t you think so?”
“Still…” Atsushi mumbles, heat draining out of him. “It doesn’t seem right.”
“I don’t think he’s doing it to kill himself, so that’s good, right? We should look for every little ray of sunlight during rainy days!”
“Aren’t you going to eat anything, Dazai-san?”
Atsushi blurts out during the rare times they’d agreed to get lunch together. The sound of a fork angrily scratching across a plate should have given it away. Tanizaki shifting in his seat, hands tightening around his cup of tea while keeping his gaze low and Kenji’s obnoxious loud chewing increasing all of a sudden were hard to miss. Ranpo loudly declaring he wants seconds.
But Dazai had looked unbothered by it all, so Atsushi felt it fine to ask.
“Not really, no.”
Blunt and straight to the point. Scraping up every ounce of courage he tried a different approach.
“Aren’t you hungry?”
“If I were hungry, I’d have made Kunikida-kun pay for my food.”
Taking in a deep breath Atsushi ignored Kyouka pulling at his sleeve and Kunikida’s half-hearted grumbling.
“But you didn’t eat anything at all today.” Seeing Dazai blink at his words Atsushi hurried on, cheeks flushing a bit as he sunk in his seat. “We could share if you want.”
If money was the problem, he’d gladly offer his own.
“Have you been watching me, Atsushi-kun? I’d be careful otherwise I might get the wrong idea, you know.”
Blushing at the teasing Atsushi tried to offer a stammered protest Dazai waved away with his hand.
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking away the food of a starving kitten, so I have to refuse your kind offer.”
“I’m not starving, not anymore.” Atsushi frowns, picking at his rice. “I wouldn’t feel comfortable eating when I know you haven’t been. It makes the food taste wrong, so please—”
Biting his tongue as someone kicked him under the table, he turned his pained grimace into a crooked smile. Dazai frowns, glancing at the table full of food before sighing loudly and reaching for the cup of sake Yosano has been pouring herself. He drowns it in one gulp and reaches for an extra pair of chopsticks.
“I guess eating a bit wouldn’t hurt if I don’t have to pay for it. Let’s see if your favorite is as good as you make it out to be.”
Seeing Dazai eat a bowl of Tea on Rice made the bruise on his knee worth it.
“Persuasion works better than force. Taking the ability to choose away from someone like Dazai-san wouldn’t work out well for, well, anyone really.”
“I know he never does anything he doesn’t want to do.”
The whole city does. Kunikida would be the first to testify the truth of that universal fact. He’d even bring along the unfinished reports as evidence.
“—But there must be some way we can help, right? If only a little bit. I saw him eat some sweets Ranpo-san left for him the other day. It’s like…he forgets to eat and can’t be bothered to remedy that. I just…I want to help but I don’t know how!”
Naomi titles her head, leaning further into her brother’s embrace as she takes a sip of her tea.
“I don’t think it’s that simple. But you shouldn’t undermine our efforts so much! From what I heard and saw we made a lot of progress in the last few years! Something like this takes a lot of time.”
“It’s not that we don’t care,” Tanizaki says voice soft as his hand tightens around Naomi’s own. “—we do. But at the end of the day he’s the one who makes the decision. All we can do is to support and live with his choice.”
“And if we’re try our hardest to bribe him to make the choice, we think is best for him, well, a little convincing never hurt anyone. The fact he’s here is speaking for itself, isn’t it?”
Naomi grins, pressing a quick kiss to Tanizaki’s cheek. Atsushi nods, eyeing the picture on the table, a rarity of all of them together, the newest photo taken of the Agency and feels the tangled knot inside his chest loosen.
The sight of them all together reminds him he isn’t alone in this.
Stumbling over his feet during a mission. Refusing to eat after a meeting with the Port Mafia. Getting quieter in voice but louder in actions. Vanishing for a day.
There’s a pattern.
There’s more to the lack of eating than forgetfulness.
And it’s all Atsushi’s own fault.
If I hadn’t insisted on the truce he’d be eating. Not much but he wouldn’t be losing so much weight to stress.
Stress. Excuses. Cheap little white less to make them feel better. Nothing but empty words.
Kyouka-chan was out of her mind with fear upon seeing that man. No wonder Dazai-san has trouble eating after seeing him again.
It’s all my fault.
I…
I don’t deserve to eat.
The least he could do is to refrain from eating himself as punishment of bringing back buried memories and nightmares.
Never would he want someone to experience pangs of hunger. To yearn for food and water knowing it’d be out of reach. Having to eat trash because otherwise his body would crumble into its foundation, eating away at his own flesh.
“I’m sorry.”
Tears of shame are running down his cheek as he sniffles. For a moment he thinks he’d be the next one to throw up the bowls of food he’s eaten like a savage beast moments before and the thought makes him curl up tighter into the ball he’s trying to become.
“I’m so sorry.”
But his stomach burns it away fast enough it remains inside his body. Nauseating as he feels the reason behind his queasiness isn’t food. No. Guilt, shame and self-loathing are fighting for victory inside of him with ferocity his beastly side usually portrays.
“Don’t—” Dazai says, more of harsh exhale than an order before another shudder wracks through his body and he ends up gagging into the toilet seat.
Atsushi flinches, pressing himself against the cool bathroom tiles against his back and shuffles as close as he dares to be. The smell of vomit should be disgusting and yet the only thing he finds disgusting about this situation is himself.
My fault. All of this is my fault.
Because he hadn’t seen beyond his need to stick his nose into where it doesn’t belong and he’s not even the one paying the price for his own mistakes. For his own stupidity.
Ranpo sharing his sweets.
Kunikida complains but still never refuses to buy food whenever Dazai wants him to.
The café still serving him coffee and the occasional cake despite his debts.
Yosano insisting he’d eat a bit after losing blood, no matter how small the amount.
Naomi never failing to leave a cookie next to the cup of tea she prepares.
Unsatisfactory. Not enough. Atsushi in his need to be useful, to help had done more harm than good. Didn’t think of the Agency’s silence as respect but as indifference. Even when they tried their best to fix one issues while trying not to create another.
“Atsushi-kun…” Dazai groans, pulling back as he slumps against the seat, skin clammy and eyes bloodshot and swollen. “—I’m going to dunk your head in here if you don’t stop apologizing to me.”
“Sor—Never mind.” He cuts himself off, nearly swallowing his tongue as he bites his lips. The taste of salt stinging in the small cut his teeth managed to make.
They sit in silence for the next minutes. Atsushi not brave enough to break it while trying to stop crying and Dazai catching his breath.
You forced him. It’s because of you he’s like this.
Atsushi tried to suppress a sob. He flinches when a hand touches his head. Blinking through his blurry vision he sees Dazai petting his head.
“You know…”
Quiet, far quieter than he’d thought Dazai capable of the words are soft.
“…I’m not a big fan of eating. I don’t see the point of it when it’s such a hassle and everything ends up tasting the same to me. But aside from tending to forget I don’t mind eating the food itself.”
“I didn’t want to force you. I was just… I was worried and I didn’t want you to starve.”
Eyes softening the hand gently ruffles his hair. “I know. Trust me if it had been anyone else trying to pull what you tried to, I’d given them hell. But you didn’t know and I’m not holding it against you.”
“I’m sorry.”
Dazai shakes his head. “You couldn’t have known how I’d react. Even I didn’t know. Just try not to make me force feed you again. I’m similar enough to him I don’t need another reminder.”
The last part wasn’t meant for his ears but with his hearing he couldn’t help but catch them. Nodding vigorously as he wiped away the tears on his face, he tried to explain himself now that the sounds of retching wouldn’t drown out his voice.
“I was trying to get you to eat something by refusing to eat when you didn’t…not get you to try to shove food down my throat.”
Having a spoon shoved in his face hadn’t been part of the plan. Neither was Dazai throwing up in the middle of force-feeding him. He’d been fine until Atsushi started choking as he tried to squirm away. Face paling as he dropped the spoon and turned on his heels it didn’t take long for the sound of painful retching to echo across the empty space of his apartment.
“I hadn’t thought of that.” Dazai chuckled, the sound raw and husky as he cleared his throat and pulled his hand back to try to stand, legs shaky. “You made me I’d have to speak to Yosano about a possible eating disorder.”
“Sorry.” Scrambling to his feet to assist Dazai in case his legs would buckle under his weight Atsushi bowed his head.
“I told you it’s fine. Just don’t mention it to anyone else and start eating like a normal person again. I don’t want to wake up to Kyouka-chan holding a knife into my face.”
“Okay.” He agrees, hands hanging limply at his side as Dazai gives him a quick and brittle smile before walking past him towards the door. Washing his face, he takes in his thin face and puffy eyes and goes to bed early. The next morning, he eats a large breakfast with Kyouka and gives her a smile when her face glows in her relief.
“Atsushi-kun, let’s go eat lunch together! I’m hungry.”
Dazai whines, draping himself over Atsushi’s shoulders when he’s getting up to go to the bathroom. He nearly trips over himself but manages to catch himself. The weight on his back isn’t as heavy as it should be but it’s not too light either.
“I want to eat some curry. It needs to be extra spicy.”
“Sure.” Atsushi smiles, bright and full of relief as he drags Dazai towards the door, Kyouka a step behind as she follows.
Finding Dazai’s plate empty at the end of their lunch shouldn’t be making him so happy. He still losses more weight any of them are comfortable with when he’s sick and balances on the edge of what is considered healthy.
But he’s trying and that’s more than Atsushi can ask for so he lets it be.
If he ends up making an extra bento on some days and leaves them on Dazai’s desk that’s his choice.