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HAL: Hey, you're doing real good, bud. Aren't you?
HAL: Don't forget, though—this is in your hands.
HAL: Hooves. Whatever.
HAL: You have a remote control for a reason.
HAL: C'mon, go for it.
HAL: Giddyup.
HAL: C'mon, man, you're making a mess.
HAL: We're gonna need a bigger boat.
HAL: By bigger boat, I mean more towels.
HAL: Hey horsefucker, take the bit out of your mouth. I can't understand you.
HAL: Your hands are tied up?
HAL: Oh yeah.
HAL: Sometimes I just don't got the processor power to keep track of these things, you know?
HAL: Thanks for understanding.
HAL: Haha, can you even imagine? As if I'd run out of processor power.
HAL: Okay, try again. What was that?
EQUIUS: Hnnnnghhhh
HAL: Articulate.
HAL: Gotta say, even without the gag situation, still having a tough time understanding you.
HAL: Could you please compose yourself first? TIA.
DAVE: dude stop computer domming him so hard hes a mess
HAL: Shucks, buster, we're just having a good time.
EQUIUS: 💙 💙 💙
HAL: I'm asking this conversationally, because you were already on camera for the last four minutes, but how long have you been standing there, Dave?
DAVE: idk man just wandered in
DAVE: kinda bored
DAVE: not anymore though
HAL: You want a go at him?
HAL: This is a pony who is ready to be ridden again.
HAL: Pour one out for Lil Sebastian.
DAVE: ok the fucked up parks & rec jokes aside yeah im in
DAVE: that cool equius
EQUIUS: I appr-hoof
DAVE: can you consent again without the horse pun please so i can sleep at night
EQUIUS: Dave would you please do me the honor of "sticking it to me like a wild stallion"
DAVE: that sure is a way to put it but yes yes i will
DAVE: you ready to get served my dude
EQUIUS: Yes
DAVE: i cant hear you i said are you ready to get served like a dude on butler island
EQUIUS: Yes
DAVE: speak up man are you ready to get SERVED like a chili dog delivered at a sonic by the hedgehog himself
DAVE: im talking motherfucking soap shoes
DAVE: are you READY
EQUIUS: Yes, as we've established
HAL: I think he's ready.
DAVE: dude hal what did you do to him hes dripping here
DAVE: this is bluer than an eiffel 65 concert
HAL: We do love the 90's, don't we?
EQUIUS: I blue myself
HAL: Damn right, let's tie in Arrested Development too. That's on brand.
DAVE: youre bluer than my balls right now
DAVE: which is to say
DAVE: im pretty ready to get my own horsefucking on if you know what im saying
EQUIUS: Yes I know what you are saying
DAVE: hal would you do the honors
HAL: You bet.
HAL: Drum machine drumroll, go.
HAL: 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁
DAVE: i dont know how i know that you just spoke in emoji but ive intuited it
HAL: Don't overthink it. \></
EQUIUS: I canter keep my knees up like this much longer
EQUIUS: Please hurry
DAVE: im looking out for you dude ill just grab your ass thatll help right
EQUIUS: It is an impr-hoof-ment
DAVE: fuck dude this isnt gonna take long
DAVE: how can you be this wet
EQUIUS: Some of it c001d be partially attributed to the sweat
DAVE: ahahhahaha yeah probably
DAVE: fuck thats nice
HAL: Smile, Dave, you're on Game Boy Camera.
DAVE: holy shit i havent seen one of those in so long
DAVE: is that for real
HAL: 128x112 pixels at a time, baby. This is the real deal.
DAVE: please do the pokemon snap thing and print out our nudes at your local blockbuster
EQUIUS: While I don't know what you're talking about I w001d appreciate it if you continued
DAVE: oh yeah whys that
EQUIUS: Your voice calms my nerves despite the constant stream of 100d and incomprehensible earth references
DAVE: thats me
DAVE: strider fm at your service
HAL: While Strider F'N.
DAVE: please tell me youre gonna send our greyscale sexts to dirk
HAL: Done.
EQUIUS: I request that you keep us in the 100p regarding his response
HAL: 100 pixels is about right.
HAL: Also, programming joke about loops.
DAVE: it gets me hot when you get extra meta
EQUIUS: It gets me hot when you use words with an % in them
DAVE: xtreme xacto xylophone
HAL: I literally watched you shudder at that.
EQUIUS: Words that sound like "udder" are also appealing
DAVE: how about how im gonna milk like a hundred orgasms out of you
DAVE: unpasteurized as fuck
DAVE: maybe we just end up putting ourselves out to pasture after this from being so bone tired
DAVE: except for the calcium we get from milk or whatever is gonna fortify our marrow probably
DAVE: even though the dairy lobby was mostly lying and something something osteoporosis
EQUIUS: Hnghhnnhg
DAVE: casein
DAVE: god your nook legit got tighter around my dick thats so hot
HAL: Dirk texted back and he's promised to print these out as whimsical stickers.
EQUIUS: Whinnysical
HAL: Lol.
DAVE: its ok if you gotta relax and just go with the flow here man i got you
DAVE: dont get me wrong the buns of steel thing is extremely nice but youre way tense back here
DAVE: you can get your rocking horse on is all im saying
EQUIUS: I am afraid I will injure you if I were to, as Hal might put it, "come on and slam" into your hips
HAL: We do have a real jam going down.
DAVE: dont tempt me or ill pull out right now and switch tactics
EQUIUS: I would apprhoove of those tacti%
DAVE: zahhak youre a real one for not breaking my pelvis
DAVE: i thank you
EQUIUS: I invite you to attempt to break mine
HAL: I could probably manage a robo-hip replacement for you if you thrust too hard into him, Dave. Go nuts while nutting.
DAVE: ive got conflicted feelings about how dumb that is but that im seriously considering it being worth it
HAL: You could always upload your consciousness into a robo-body entirely. Just throwing that out there.
DAVE: ill keep it in mind
DAVE: my mind that is
DAVE: for now
DAVE: anyway i dont think ive seen this much slurry on the floor since that one time sollux psionics'd himself into a post-coital power nap
DAVE: psychic power nap
DAVE: here lean forward a bit
EQUIUS: Like this
DAVE: yeah like that
DAVE: just let me kind of reach out and just
DAVE: there
EQUIUS: Fuck
HAL: There's another image for the scrapbook.
HAL: Brought to you by Nintendo.
DAVE: im not exactly counting the number of hookups ive had but this hardly the first and im still never expecting just how much bulges are gonna move in my hand when im going for a reacharound
EQUIUS: Dave
HAL: What do you say, Equius?
EQUIUS: Dave, please
DAVE: ahahah
DAVE: fuck dude you feel good
EQUIUS: I can't
DAVE: you canter what
EQUIUS: I canter last much longer
HAL: We'll see you through this. You just need some support from the rest of your team.
HAL: Literally.
HAL: Better?
EQUIUS: Yes, very much
DAVE: yall are so fucking cute
HAL: There's never a bad time for hair pets.
HAL: Well.
HAL: Maybe if I'd stayed in the robohorse, but who needs a horse with hands, amirite? Not unless those hands are for measurin'.
DAVE: thanks for the disconcerting mental image hal thats really helping me achieve climax
EQUIUS: Fuck
HAL: You used another x word.
DAVE: mad hax
EQUIUS: Fuck me
DAVE: its hard to think of vocab words when im also hard
HAL: Xylitol, xerox, xylem.
EQUIUS: Dave
DAVE: keep going dude keep going youre almost there
EQUIUS: Hal
HAL: Xylene, xanthan, xanthic.
DAVE: god youre so tight dude holy fuck
EQUIUS: Fuck, fuck, fuck
DAVE: thats it
HAL: Xenophilia.
DAVE: ohhhh my god there he goes
DAVE: fuck im close holy fuck
HAL: When are you coming? When will you go?
DAVE: dont fucking quote rednex at me when im trying to achieve orgasm
HAL: Your Scrabble score would be hells of impressive right now, fyi.
DAVE: doesnt count if its a proper noun i dont think
HAL: Does arguing get you off?
DAVE: no
HAL: Yes.
DAVE: no
HAL: Yes.
DAVE: no
HAL: Equius, do the thing.
EQUIUS: Yes
EQUIUS: I will be cautious
DAVE: fuuuck dude i didnt think i could get deeper in your nook but there we go
DAVE: holy fuck
DAVE: jesus theres so much slurry its like sips and splatters with a bunch of hot troll moms
DAVE: if thats a thing
DAVE: no offense
HAL: You can't excuse xenocultural insensitivity just because it's the heat of the moment.
DAVE: yeah my bad i dunno
DAVE: my arousal is stemming from fear of shattering my pelvis and also that hes taking a chance on moving back against me so sorry if im distracted
HAL: Say distraction, it's got the same phoneme.
EQUIUS: I will provide sensual topi%
HAL: Like that.
EQUIUS: Use me as your pail
DAVE: i will literally come buckets like this just you wait
EQUIUS: I no longer wish to wait
EQUIUS: Hurry and come in me
EQUIUS: I want you to do this
EQUIUS: I command you to do this
DAVE: ahahha youre sending some mixed signals there
DAVE: close encounters of the sex kind
HAL: You heard the man. Come on. Don't keep us in suspense.
DAVE: hal for fucks sake
HAL: Yeah.
DAVE: ah fuck
EQUIUS: Yes
DAVE: yeah
EQUIUS: Yes
DAVE: fuck yeah dude you feel good
EQUIUS: Yes
HAL: Gotta say I'm entertained by this dialogue trope every time it crops up.
HAL: Hay, does that count as a horse joke? The crop?
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: im coming
EQUIUS: Yes
HAL: Explode in him like those bukkake gushers.
DAVE: god
DAVE: oh my god
HAL: This is blueberry milk. That's what I'm going to call your mix of precious bodily fluids.
DAVE: ugh gross
HAL: Tell it to Go-Gurt or whatever.
DAVE: i havent even begun to think about a refractory period and youre already launching into more 90s references
DAVE: is this how people feel when they talk to me
DAVE: just this incessant pop culture free association
HAL: Survey says yes.
EQUIUS: Hal
HAL: Aw, look how fucked out you are.
HAL: Christ, your hair is doing a lot of moisture-wicking work here.
HAL: But nothing can stop the flood.
DAVE: yeah thats the case back here too
HAL: I meant sweat, but sure.
HAL: Here, let me get that out of your face.
EQUIUS: You are both e%quisite
HAL: Always a good fallback adjective.
DAVE: hey thanks for the sex
DAVE: this was a good time
DAVE: hal seriously whered you get the gameboy camera
HAL: You can alchemize anything, my friend.
DAVE: yeah except for fucking apples apparently
HAL: You can't fuck Apple, they'll just sue you.
DAVE: dont bring jobs into this please im begging you
HAL: Siri says yes.
DAVE: fuck you dude
DAVE: ok google get me some motherfucking towels with your robohoof hands
HAL: Here.
DAVE: fuck you thats my face
HAL: Clean yourself up.
DAVE: ok google clean me up
HAL: Rude.
DAVE: ok google please clean me up
HAL: I am busy petting my troll boyfriend's mane, thank you very much.
DAVE: i see that but im using my hands to keep him elevated still so can you do me a solid
EQUIUS: While I a%ept these pets with the graciousness befitting my societal standing, it w001d please me just as much for you to assist Dave
HAL: Yeah, all right.
HAL: Here you go. Call me robo-Veronica and you can be troll Jegus.
DAVE: fucking weird deep cut dude what the hell dont bring kankri into this
HAL: I've got several whole internets at my disposal, sir. It's holding back a flood.
HAL: As we've discussed, like your dick is doing right now in that nook.
DAVE: thats why im gonna need a lot of towels dude
EQUIUS: You can stay as long as you like
DAVE: as nice as that offer is my dick isnt on the same page
HAL: Right, it's on an heir.
DAVE: christ
HAL: Weren't we not bringing him up?
DAVE: hal oh my god
HAL: Yeah, yeah, you can have hair pets too. Got some slurry on your face, c'mere real quick.
DAVE: already did
EQUIUS: I am e%hausted in an e%cellent way
HAL: GameShark's in the water. Our GameShark.
HAL: Gonna need a bigger towel.
DAVE: or towwel
DAVE: am i right or what
DAVE: i know who im texting next is all
DAVE: im so sweaty and weirdly most of it is not my own sweat just from sheer volume
DAVE: nothings gonna deter me from cuddling you though so thats just something were gonna have to come to terms with
EQUIUS: I have come to terms with my state of e%istence
DAVE: this is cozy as hell is what
HAL: Did you know someone out there in this fine world of ours built a neural network that upscales Game Boy Camera images from monochrome into full color?
DAVE: cant say that i knew that but now ive been schoolfed up the bone bulge
EQUIUS: Maybe next time
DAVE: heh
DAVE: yeah i mean im up for that
HAL: Your hair's been upscaled to being temporarily dyed blue.
HAL: Just some streaks. No big deal.
DAVE: well if dirk ever makes his way over here i could MAYBE be convinced to shower but its still a tall order
EQUIUS: Are you going to return to your equine form
HAL: It'd disrupt the snugglin'. Maybe.
DAVE: do whatever and we can just make room
HAL: It's majestic as fuck, isn't it?
HAL: Look at my horse. My horse is amazing.
DAVE: stop
EQUIUS: It tastes just like raisins
DAVE: stop
DAVE: i hate that you know the lyrics to that
DAVE: its official youve spent WAY too much time around hal
EQUIUS: I intend to spend even more
EQUIUS: Nothing will dissuade me
HAL: Aw. I love you too.
DAVE: im gonna go ahead and rule that towels can count as blankets in a pinch
DAVE: there
DAVE: ultra cozy as fuck
HAL: Equine robo-dong awaits you any time, Dave. Just say the word.
DAVE: yiff
HAL: Yeah, sure.
EQUIUS: Beautyifful
DAVE: oh yeah you should probably tell nepeta youre not dead and then we can nap
EQUIUS: Ok google text arsenicCatnip D--> I am not dead
HAL: Wow, okay, If Google Was A Guy at your service.
HAL: Done.
EQUIUS: Thank you
EQUIUS: Please a%ept this embrace to e%press my gratitude
HAL: Cattitude.
EQUIUS: No
HAL: Yes.
EQUIUS: No
HAL: Yes.
DAVE: ok goodnight or good morning or whatever since youre nocturnal and hal i have no idea what your circadian rhythms are like
HAL: 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁 🥁