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Depending on the room that Evan Buckley walks into, the thoughts that cross their minds about him usually contain the words "selfless" or "hot," and sometimes even "cocky,". The thoughts also often include things like "wow I wish I was more like him,"
Regardless of the room that buck walks into, however, the words running through his mind are more like "Useless," "Not good enough," "Too selfish," and usually, at least once, "They probably don't even want you here,"
See for all the attitude and spunk that Buck exudes, deep down, he's really just a self-conscious boy who wants people to like him and who wants to be good enough. It's part of why he's always willing to risk his life for other people, because he thinks their lives are more important than his own. It's part of why he always jumps at the chance to help Eddie and Chris, because he likes them so much and wants them to see him as worthy enough to keep around.
It's why he fought so hard to get back to the 118 after a damn firetruck crushed his leg, because he thought he had made himself a place there, he thought that he was loved there, that he was wanted there.
He thought they wanted him back, until he found out that it was Bobby who was making sure he couldn't get back and until he saw how easily Lena Bosko replaced him.
He realised they were just looking for an excuse to get rid of him. Because they didn't want him there. He wasn't good enough for them and no matter how hard he tried he could never be.
He wasn't kind and caring like Hen, or charismatic and loveable like Chim. He wasn't loving like Bobby, he wasn't brave and good under pressure like Eddie.
He was impulsive and untrustworthy and he messed everything up all the time. He couldn't blame them for not wanting him. His parents didn't, Abby didn't, none of his other partners did either.
He wasn't sure he wanted himself either.
He'd tried to call his friends earlier, calling Eddie only for him to answer with a quick "Sorry man, I'm about to leave for dinner with the family before my shift tonight, talk later," Before hanging upon him before he could even say a word.
He'd then tried to call his sister, who had listened unhearing, 'hm'ing and 'ah'ing in all the right places as Buck tried to tell her about the show he'd watched. Not that he'd had anything else to talk to. He just didn't want to be alone. After around fifteen minutes, however, he figured that he was just bothering his sister and let her go to continue what she'd been doing that night.
That's all he'd ever been. A bother. It's all he could ever be and he was realising that now.
It's was two in the morning, Buck hadn't slept properly, too plagued with nightmares from the tsunami, from the fire truck, from back home as a kid, from other horrifying times on the job. He couldn't even close his eyes without the face of someone he'd let down popping up.
It was two-thirty when Buck gave up on sleeping all together, too overwhelmed by the thoughts and images flashing through his brain.
It was three o'clock when Buck found himself standing at a bridge known by the nearby emergency workers for the high number of suicide attempts they're called to try to stop.
He hadn't planned anything, but as tears welled in his eyes, he could help but wonder if maybe it would be better if he just climbed over the edge. It's obvious that no one at the firehouse would miss him and it's not like Eddie really needed him. His sister would probably be glad for the eased pressure on her to look after her little brother, she didn't need him now either, not now that she's safe and has Chim and everyone to look out for her.
Buck sets his phone and keys to his car down next to him and pulls himself up and onto the handrail, holding onto one of the support beams so he doesn't slip and swinging his legs over the side.
Now standing on the ledge, on the other side of the handrail, he closes his eyes, feeling the cool night air hitting him in the face making his cheeks go pink and goosebumps to rise under the thin henley he was wearing. He could feel the tears leaving cold trails down his cheeks.
He just stood there for a moment, breathing, thinking, trying to talk himself out of it, trying to find himself a reason not to jump. But the longer he stood there, the more he thought, the easier his decision became.
Until he heard sirens echoing in the distance. His lip began to tremble and he couldn't hold back the sob that escapes his lips.
"Buck?" He hears a near-hysterical voice call from behind him. He doesn't have to look back to recognise it as the voice of Henrietta Wilson. He can hear her, and others' footfalls fast and heavy cutting through the more quiet sounds of the night. He knew he had taken too long already, someone passing by must have called it in.
"Buck, what the hell are you doing man," Another familiar voice came. It was Eddie, his voice was loud and clear if a little shakey from the adrenaline that was now pumping through his veins triggered by the sight of his best friend in danger.
"I can't do this anymore Eds," Buck says so quietly that the words are almost swept away by the wind.
"What can't you do anymore Buck?" Bobby asks carefully. Buck knows he's trying to buy time, keep him talking. He knows the tricks and tactics. "how about you get down from there and we can talk properly?" Chim follows up.
Buck just squeezes his eyes shut and, due to not being able to talk around the lump in his throat, shakes his head emphatically almost making himself lose balance. He hears the sharp intake of breath from his former co-workers.
"I- I don't," He hears Bobby say to the others, sounding almost more broken than he'd ever heard the man before.
Unbeknownst to him, it was the most broken Bobby had felt in a long time, he had become attached to the youngest man in the station, taken him under his wing, if said boy jumped, he's not sure there would be anything stopping him from finding the nearest pub and drowning his sorrows.
"I'm going to call Athena," Hen whispers to the older man, unsure anymore who she's calling her for, Bobby, Buck or herself. Either way, she's sure the other woman would know what to do.
"Buck come on, think about this," Eddie pleads, emotion heavy in his voice.
"I am thinking about this Eddie!" Buck shouts, "I have been thinking about this for a long time,"
"Buck..." Eddie trails off, unsure of what to say.
"You don't need me, you guys don't want me around, things will be better this way," Buck says sounding so sure of himself as if there wasn't a doubt in his mind that this was true. Because he was sure and knowing this made his friends hearts break.
"What about Chris, you promised you'd never leave him," Eddie's voice cracks as he does his best to try not to imagine a future without his best friends, a future without beers as they bicker and game and movie nights, a future where he has to tell his son that 'his Buck' isn't coming back. That first his mother had left him and now the man who had become a second father to him was going to too.
"Chris has you, and everyone else, he'll forget about me before long," Buck argues and Eddie can't help the anger that begins to build u because how could he not see? How could he not understand how much he means to Christopher? How could he believe that by jumping, he wouldn't be ripping his son's heart into two irreparably, that he wouldn't be breaking both their hearts? "Chris doesn't need me, besides, I've let him down enough as it is,"
Eddie feels his anger melt at hearing these words because no, of course, his best friend wasn't being purposefully obtuse, he genuinely thought they didn't need him, he honestly didn't realise how much Chris and Eddie loved him. Not only that, but somehow along the way, he'd convinced himself that he wasn't worth their love anyway.
"Buck," Bobby tries as Eddie turns away, eyes turned skywards as he tries to hold back the heavy stream of tears threatening to overflow. "Buck, don't do this, please son, come down from there,"
"You don't want me around anyway," Buck says looking back at his father figure, "That's why you made sure I couldn't come back to work. I don't blame you, you probably got sick of having to scream at me for being impulsive and shit," Bobby's eyes go wide at the ease in which Buck seemed to have accepted not only the apparent fact that he wasn't wanted but also the blame for not being wanted.
"Buck that's not true," Bobby says softly as Athena finally pulls up. "Buck, you don't understand, it's the complete opposite, I care about you so much kid, that day at mine, when you- when you collapsed, you have no idea how terrified I was, I don't know what I would do if I lost you, Buck, I'm not sure I'd survive losing another one of my kids,"
This seems to finally get through to Buck as he chokes back a guilty sob. "No, no you're just saying that so I won't- so I won't jump," he sobs as if wishing it were true and as if wishing he wasn't currently putting one of the men he cared about most in pain.
He hears Athena's heavy boots hitting the concrete as she jogs from her car, "Buck!" her voice comes out bordering on shrill, "Even Buckley, you get your butt down from that ledge this instant," she says, hands shaking with fear unseen to those around her. She wishes she knew what to say, how to help. She wishes she had seen the signs earlier. She couldn't help but berate herself, she hadn't seen the signs with her daughter and now she hadn't seen them with Buck either, she felt like she should have known.
"Buckaroo, please come down, I am so sorry if we made you feel like we don't care about you, truth is, we all love you so much and I for one don't want to imagine a life without you in it," Hen says coming close enough to Buck that if she reached out, she just might be able to grab not his shirt.
"What about Maddie?" Chim asks suddenly, voice edged with anger and desperation, "Do you know what she's spending tonight doing?" He asks.
Buck furrows his eyebrows confused, he had spoken to his sister a few hours earlier, she sounded distracted and like she had a million things she would rather be doing than talking to him.
"She's spending tonight organising everything for your birthday, your birthday that isn't for weeks because she wants to make sure its special enough to make up for all the birthdays she missed. Buck, you're her support system, not me, you're the one she goes to when she's in trouble, the first person she thinks about when she's happy or sad, losing you would break her because she loves you so much, we all do,"
Buck chokes out a sob. Chim can't help but feel a bit guilty for using Maddie to try to guilt Buck into staying but he had no idea what else to do. Everything he said was true and it looked and sounded like Buck was doing this because he didn't think anyone here loved him or needed him; when in reality it was quite the opposite. They all knew that in the future they needed to show him how much they loved him, right now they were just pulling at all the strings they could to ensure they had a future to do so.
None of them hear Eddie on the phone just a couple paces away. "Yes I know it's three in the morning, just please wake him up, its an emergency,"
Not one of them realises what exactly it is that he'd walked off for until he comes back, phone outstretched to Buck, "There's someone who wants to speak to you," He tells his friend softly, coming up to stand beside Hen.
Buck looks at the phone, seeing Chris's name lighting up the screen. He looks to Eddie then back to the phone before eventually carefully reaching out to grab it.
"Hey big guy," Buck says into the phone, unable to hide the emotion and sadness that's making his voice croaky.
"Hi Bucky, Dad said you were feeling a bit sad and needed some cheering up," Chris says in a soft calming voice, one that made it sound like he knew a lot more than a kid his age should.
"Yeah," Buck croaks out, unable to say anything else.
"When I'm sad about things, I just think about how bad dad is at cooking," Chris says making Buck choke out a laugh. "Or how Carla knows exactly how to make all my favourite foods," He continues. "Or movie nights when you come over and we eat popcorn and play games,"
"You think about me to cheer you up when you're sad?" Buck finds himself asking the younger boy.
"Yeah Buck, you're my bestest friend," Chris answers as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and Buck started to think, maybe it was, maybe he was just blind. Maybe, somehow, somewhere along the way, he'd managed to weasel his way into these peoples lives. "It'll be okay kid," Chris tells him sleepily, and for the first time in a while, Buck starts to believe it.
"Thanks, Chris, I'll see you on Friday for movie night, go back to sleep," Buck says, not hearing the collective sigh of relief from his friends, his family, around him.
"Night Buck, love you," The kid answers with a yawn.
"I love you too Chris, so much," Buck whispers into the phone before finally turning around and pulling himself back over the barrier to safety.
It takes a grand total of two seconds before Buck is pulled into a warm, soft hug by Hen who has only now, finally let her emotions take over her, repeatedly murmuring "I'm so sorry," and "I love you," into the younger man's hair as she holds him to her chest, not unlike how she would with Denny. Athena steps up behind her, placing a comforting hand on the woman's shoulder. Hen gives Buck one last, loving squeeze before letting him go and turning away to try to collect herself.
"Don't you ever do that to me again," Athena threatens before pulling a sobbing Buck into her own arms. "I'm sorry I failed you, Buck, I didn't see how much you were struggling, I'm so sorry,"
"It's not your fault 'Thena," Buck whispers into her neck feeling bad about the guilt he's caused her.
"No, it's no one's fault, doesn't mean we couldn't have done better, and I promise we will,"
Chim is next, pulling him into a brotherly hug, "I think that was almost as terrifying as having a metal rod through my forehead," he jokes, trying to make light of the situation. Privately though, Chim's mind was racing a mile per minute with all the times he'd brushed the man off recently guilt pooling within as he thinks to himself, 'no wonder he thought we didn't care about him,' he begins to gather ideas, everything and anything he can think of to show Buck just how much his existence means to them all.
Buck is turned to face Bobby next. The captain doesn't have to say a word, just cups Bucks face in his own large warm hands and brings his forehead to touch his in an intimate fatherly gesture that lasts several minutes.
Neither has to utter a word, not right then anyway.
As soon as Buck is released by Bobby, he feels himself being pulled into another tight hug, recognising the soft aftershave as Eddies and melts into it. After only a moment though Eddie, never one to have a good grasp on his temper, pulls away and throws his fist at Bucks jaw. Buck knew it wasn't anywhere near as hard as Eddie could have hit him, likely not even hard enough to leave a bruise everyone else knew this too, it didn't stop their sympathetic winces though. Before he can even say 'ow' Buck finds himself being pulled right back in against Eddie's chest. "How could you think that we don't care about you Buck, I care about you more than anyone else in the world, I care about you as much as I care about my own son,"
Eddie pulls away from his best friend, just enough to look him in the eyes, "I love you, Evan," he says, eyes conveying more emotions, more meaning than even the words themselves could hold.
"But Lena-"
"Isn't you," Eddie cuts off Bucks argument, "She's a great person and a good friend and I respect her a great deal, but she's not you, she's not the man I'm in love with, I don't want to lose you, Buck,"
"Okay," Buck says quietly, inserting himself back into Eddie's arms.
He doesn't have to say the words back, not sure if he can just yet. He knows they'll have the opportunity to talk about it in the future and eventually, once Buck learns to love himself too, they can live the life they both deserve, together.
From then on, everyone in the 118 makes more of an effort to show not just Buck, but everyone else too, just how much they mean to them, they all find themselves constantly saying "I love you," to one another and holding each other so much tighter in hugs.
Buck isn't instantly okay, that is something that takes years and a lot of therapy sessions, but especially with the support of so many loved ones, he does get there, even if it's a slow process.
Even years later, he has his moment. He has nights where he finds himself in bed wrapped in Eddie's arms crying as the other man does his best to reassure him of his worth. He still worries about whether or not he's enough, if people really want him around.
But then Chim would come up to him and ask for his blessing to ask Maddie to marry him. Or Chris would give him a drawing or short story that he'd done at school; he was running out of room to put them but refused to throw them away, or Bobby would start inviting him to their family dinners and eventually Buck would learn to ignore his worries as they had no evidence to back them up and as there was so much evidence that he truly was loved.
Eventually, things got better.