Chapter Text
"Hey, Genesis?"
"Yes?"
"I need to ask you on thing," Cloud said.
Officially, they were watching a movie, but Cloud had stopped paying attention a while ago. He had been working himself up to ask since he had left his flat earlier. Or rather, he had been trying for a few days. He’d told himself he would ask Genesis this evening, with the two of them alone, but still he was hesitating.
Genesis shifted. He had been lying on his side, his feet on Cloud's lap, but now he turned to face him more directly. "Does it have something to do with the way you've been looking like a coiled spring all evening?"
Cloud was not surprised Genesis had picked up on his nerves. He was aware he was sitting on the couch with near military rigidity.
Why was he even so nervous? If there was a person in the world who would not judge him, that was Genesis.
“How’d you figure out you were trans?”
He almost felt out of breath after getting the words out.
“How… Yes, but… Cloud?”
“Can you just tell me? Please.” He grimaced. He knew he hadn’t been polite, that this really wasn’t the right way to ask. His manners tended to fly out of the window when he was nervous.
“If you insist.” Genesis pushed himself up on his elbows, sitting up properly. “If you’re asking when did I realize there was something going on, I can’t answer. I always had some kind of hunch that I wasn’t really a girl, although I didn’t really understand as a child. I just considered myself a tomboy. As for when I concluded I was male, it was around eleven, twelve years old. Being a girl had been tolerable up until that point, but then that lovely thing called dysphoria really started to kick in.”
“Puberty?” Cloud asked, because that seemed about the right age for it to start, and a good source of the dysphoria Genesis spoke of.
Genesis nodded. “Yes, but not just that. The expectations, too. My parents had allowed me to do whatever I wanted up until then, but because I was bleeding out once a month that meant I had to start behaving like a proper young lady and start thinking of what names to give my future children. As if I’d ever want to have one put in me.” He pulled a face. “The more people told me I was a girl the more wrong it sounded.”
“I see.”
“Now that I’ve answered you, mind telling me what’s going on?”
Cloud’s first instinct was to lie, and say it was just personal curiosity. It wouldn’t have fooled Genesis, but maybe he would have been left off the hook. Talking about his feelings made his skin crawl in general, especially when they stressed him out, as this topic did.
But no. Genesis had been honest with him, Cloud could do the same.
“I’ve been doing some thinking lately,” Cloud said, staring down at his hands in his lap. “About stuff.”
“About gender?”
He nodded. “I… I’m not sure I’m a man.”
“Are you saying you think you’re trans?”
Cloud swallowed. “…I don’t know.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Honestly, Cloud did not really want to be having this conversation, but he had been chewing over those thoughts for weeks now. They had sneaked into his brain and refused to leave, no matter how much he mulled over them. At that point he may as well try to speak them aloud, and see if it made them easier to deal with.
“I don’t know how to explain it,” he started. “I don’t feel all bad about my body, and I don’t hate being a man, either. But it also… It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, exactly, to be called a man, but it’s not right either. It’s weird. And sometimes I just wish I was...”
He trailed off. He didn’t know how to voice it.
“More feminine?” Genesis suggested.
“That.”
“...Cloud, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like you’re about to have a breakdown.”
“Kind of.”
“May I hug you?”
Cloud nodded.
Genesis’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. Cloud couldn’t say he relaxed into it, but he did lean towards Genesis, his cheek against his boyfriend’s shoulder.
“Breathe,” Genesis said. “You’re not doing anything wrong, love. You’re questioning, that’s a good thing. What’s all this anxiety about?”
“I don’t know. I just feel I should… not speak of this.”
“Why? Are you ashamed?”
“…yes.”
“Why do you even feel you should be ashamed?” Genesis asked.
“Guess if people in Nibel knew they wouldn’t really accept it.”
That was the easiest way he could explain it, at least. It wasn’t that the entire scope of his anxiety, but it was what had been at the forefront of his mind when he had realized he was gay, and even now it came back.
Nibelheim was a small town in the middle of nowhere. People were close minded there, they knew little of these things and didn’t like most of what they knew. Cloud… he’d come a long way since then, what with finding out he was gay and meeting other people that were, but it was hard to let everything go.
“Lucky you are in Midgar, then.”
“Some people in Midgar don’t like it either.”
“And they’re people I usually try to set on fire. I’m not going to be mad at you.”
“I know,” Cloud said. That didn’t mean his anxiety knew.
“Anyways.” Genesis’s fingers ran through Cloud’s hair, hopelessly smoothing it down. “How long have you been thinking about this?”
“Not sure. Few weeks? I don’t even know why I started. I never even wondered about this before,” Cloud said.
“I suspect Nibelheim didn’t really give you trans education either.”
Cloud scoffed. “No way.”
“So now you are going through a little identity crisis, aren’t you?”
“I guess.”
He was most definitely having an identity crisis.
“About being a woman, or simply not being a man?”
Cloud’s stomach flipped.
“Not… not a man,” he said. The idea that he may be a woman was too terrifying to think about. It wasn’t even what had started all of this. It wasn’t that he was finding out who he was out of the blue. More that who he had been so far suddenly had stopped fitting right.
Which was in itself a very scary idea.
“Alright. I can’t tell you for sure what you are or aren’t, darling, but we can talk more about it. Maybe when you are not a ball of nerves.”
Cloud took a deep breath. “Alright. Thanks.”
“What’s a trans boyfriend for, if not to help you deal with a gender crisis?”
“Can we keep it between the two of us for now?”
He didn’t quite feel good about asking Genesis to keep secrets from their other boyfriends, but Cloud was definitely not ready to have that conversation with anyone else. Even just asking Genesis had been pulling teeth.
“Alright.”
***
There was a dress in the back of Cloud's closet. He had owned it since he was a Third Class. It was blue, made in a light, soft fabric, although not of the best quality. It had been bought cheap in the slums, after all.
Aerith was to blame for its presence. She had been insisting Cloud would have looked great in a dress, and somehow had talked him into buying it. There was very little that girl could not achieve with her powers of persuasion. Also, he may have lost a bet. He had no idea how Aerith had even reached the conclusion Cloud absolutely needed a woman’s dress, but he had long since given up on understanding the workings of Aerith’s mind.
He had thought he looked more ridiculous than anything, when he had put it on the first time, but Aerith had said it did wonders on him. He hadn’t wanted to think about the strange, conflicting feelings he had had, pretending they weren’t there.
Cloud didn't wear his dress often. If he did, it was only to pair it up with lingerie and give his boyfriends a surprise, because it was simply too weird to put on frilly panties under his SOLDIER uniform. And besides, there was something incredibly erotic about someone pushing up his skirt to duck underneath it.
Wearing a dress did not make one a woman. Cloud knew that well. He had never thought of Genesis as a woman once, and Genesis had a whole collection of miniskirts. A guy deserved to feel sexy every once in a while, that's what he said, and Cloud had to agree he looked great in them. Zack had also looked very good in the maid dress they’d gotten him into once or twice, but that didn’t put any doubts on the fact that he was a man.
Plenty of men could wear skirts. Because they were sexy, because they looked good, because they were comfortable. It had been a shock, coming to Midgar, one of the many Cloud had experienced getting used to the city life.
Still, Cloud had been ashamed to put that dress on. He blushed whenever he did. The thought of wearing it in public had been too embarrassing to even consider.
The thing was, that whenever he wore it, he felt good in it. And not good as in sexy. There was always that second in which he looked at himself in the mirror to make sure everything was in the right place, and became positively giddy. A similar feeling to the one he had had when he had first put on a SOLDIER uniform. Like he was finally putting on something he was meant to.
Every time shame quickly chased that feeling off. The second after the first he always spent fighting a part of himself that told him to take it off right then, he was a man, he should not be wearing it, let alone feeling good in it. He always ended up seeing the disapproving faces of old Nibel ladies shaking their heads at them, saying that there was something wrong with that Strife boy, look at him, wearing women’s clothes. It was a stubborn kind of thoughts, similar to the ones that had plagued him when he’d realized he liked men, and that he didn’t seem to be able to get rid of.
It still insisted on making a home in his mind as he turned in front of his bedroom mirror. The dress’s fabric danced around his bare legs. It didn’t quite hug his body in the way it was probably meant to, but it was good enough for the use he had for it.
And the few people who had ever seen him in it told him that it looked nice on him. Sometimes he could see it really was, on that person inside the mirror. Then he remembered that was him, and he always ended up flushing in embarrassment.
In the privacy of his own room, he could fight down the opinions of imaginary Nibel conservatives enough to chase that sensation of good and right the dress gave him.
He still did not think wearing a dress made him trans. Personal anxieties aside, Cloud knew a little on how being trans worked, and he knew liking something that wasn’t quite masculine didn’t turn anyone into a woman.
Nor did the fact that he shaved almost religiously. He hated it when the barest hint of stubble was visible on his face. He’d never understood why the other boys his age had been so excited about growing a beard. He did not like the way it looked on him, did his best to make sure his face was always as bare as it could be. One of the things he disliked most about being stuck on long missions was that it was nearly impossible to get properly rid of the stubble.
He didn’t like the hair that grew on the rest of his body, either. But he did not have the patience to shave it, and wouldn’t that be a bit weird too? For a man to shave off all his body hair? Or not, maybe, he shouldn’t judge.
His hair was light blonde, anyways. Barely visible.
Sometimes, when Cloud was off duty, there were moments people would hesitate a moment when they spoke to him. Brief seconds when a waitress or a cashier in a store blinked before saying a sir that was more question than anything else.
It had happened since he was a kid. He wasn’t very tall, for a man. His features were delicate, or at least so he had been told. Despite his training, he was not bulky, his frame was muscular but lithe, enough for some baggy clothes to make people wonder if there were curves they couldn’t quite see.
And that made him strangely giddy too. For some reason he had never really figured out, rather than being offended, he couldn’t help the strange and confusing sense of… pride, in a sense, that touched him. As if being androgynous was a good thing, when he knew most guys would be upset by it.
That… didn’t necessarily make him trans, either.
He’d lived his whole life without wondering about his gender, and now that he was, Cloud had to ask himself whether he’d truly spotted something about himself he hadn’t noticed before, or if he was just entertaining his own imagination.
After all, if something really was up, he should have noticed sooner, right? Maybe not have it all figured out, but at least had some kind of clue. Genesis had said he’d had some vague idea since he was a child, after all, and Cloud had not even wondered until last month.
There was that time when he had been eight and he’d put on his mom lipstick when she wasn’t home. That wasn’t what most boys did.
Cloud shook his head. He’d been eight and bored, he’d just been playing around. Of course now that he was thinking about it he would start to remember little moments that he could somehow spin as being ‘proof’ that he wasn’t just imagining this. The fact was, none of those things had made him wonder if there was something strange about it at the time. Most of them were just small stuff that probably most cis guys had done at some point.
Although it was true the number of small things was growing rapidly.
***
‘Being a man is bullshit,’ that’s what he had thought, when this had all started. He’d had a bad day, one of those when everything seemed to grate on his nerves. He’d gotten his ass kicked during training, and had ended up having to go for a medical check up, which would have been irritating even on a normal day.
The doctor had urged him on when Cloud had paused before taking off his pants, saying, “we’re all men here, what’s the problem?”
Cloud had resented that. It had left him a strange, bitter taste in his mouth, one that had stayed when the doctor updated his medical records and Cloud caught a look at that ‘M’ on the sex field.
His brain always tended to be contrary, during those days. Being bizarrely annoyed by his gender wouldn’t even be the strangest thing he had ever thought. He had once considered dyeing his hair just because someone had called him blondie in the wrong tone, he knew not to listen to himself when he was pissed.
Remembering it the next day, when he’d been calmer, he had found that he still agreed. Being a man was bullshit. The ‘M’ was annoying. And in a sudden moment of clarity, Cloud had thought that hadn’t been the first time he hadn’t liked that ‘M’. There had been others, when he had had to fill in forms. He had never stopped to think about it, but he couldn’t deny it had happened.
He’d stopped completely while in the middle of putting on his shirt, feeling like he had just realized something.
He had shook his head and kept on getting dressed. He hadn’t known what was that about, but he had figured it was nothing.
It hadn’t. In the next few days, he had started paying attention to things. How he’d sometimes feel a little upset when someone called him Mr. or sir. He had tried to ignore it, but he had ended up thinking instead, and connecting things he had never thought too much about, and some that he had deliberately buried in the back of his mind. And once that strange sort of awareness had started, it refused to go away.
***
Genesis had sent him a few websites to go through. Cloud appreciated that, because his amount of knowledge in trans matters up until that point had amounted almost entirely to what Genesis shared about himself. It was interesting to read about other perspectives. And while Cloud always tried to be understanding, it was hard for him to relate his own feelings to a trans masculine experience.
While educative, he did not necessarily clear his head.
At first, he tried to make a list on a piece of paper. Column A, things trans people said they experienced. Column B, did he relate or not. A practical, straight forward method.
He ended up scrapping it after a while, once he realized how many times someone's experiences directly contradicted someone else's.
Some people said they'd known all about their gender since they were toddlers. Others that it had only hit them halfway through puberty. And then some others still said they hadn't had a clue until they'd been forty or so.
Which at least told Cloud that just because he hadn't thought about this for the first nineteen years of his life it didn't mean he was making it up. Granted, he could still be imagining this whole thing, but at least it answered that specific question.
There were some people who said they resented everything connected to their assigned gender. But there were also men who still enjoyed feminine things, and women who loved all that was masculine. Not that Cloud should have needed to read it on the internet, not when he had Genesis doing precisely whatever pleased him regardless of how masculine or feminine it was.
Amongst the various resources making Cloud's head spin, was also a lot of things about nonbinary genders. Which was useful, because Cloud knew nearly nothing about that, but also very confusing, because Cloud knew nearly nothing about that.
And those were... interesting.
Because one of Cloud's main problems through all of this had been that he did not see himself as a woman. He was drawn by some feminine things, but definitely not by the whole. Woman package deal.
Trying to imagine himself as something a bit different from either a man or a woman, however, was easier. Nicer. Maybe a bit too nice. It was a possibility that was new and exciting, and appealed to him more than the idea of being a woman, and also more than the idea of being a man.
Despite that, it was still the emotional equivalent of being punched. Cloud Strife had been a man, always a man, and now here was the possibility that that had been wrong, after all. That he hadn't really known himself, or at least a part of himself. And... he knew women, plenty of them, he had a frame of reference for womanhood, but he could not think of a single nonbinary person that he was familiar with. Maybe someone he knew in passing or had been introduced to once, but no one that he was close to.
He had absolutely no idea what a nonbinary person was like, outside of these articles by strangers on the internet.
Everybody's a man or a woman, not something else, don't be silly, scoffed the teacher he had had back when he was a kid, a man who took care of giving some kind of education to the handful of children Nibelheim had, including a rough explanation of what chromosomes were . Cloud silenced him. He knew there were other possibilities out there, had for years now. If someone walked up to him and told him they were nonbinary, Cloud would accept that and not ask questions.
Still, he struggled to apply the concept to himself.
Maybe he'd have to look more into the woman option. Maybe he was just really deep in denial, and the nonbinary option had only seemed attractive because he was not ready to face the truth of being a woman yet.
Or maybe he really was making it all up. So many thrilling possibilities.
He hated introspection.
***
"Can I ask you a weird question?"
"Those are the best questions," Aerith replied. She had her back to him, taking care of her flowers while Cloud leaned against one of the church columns.
"What does it feel like to be a girl?"
She turned to him, a quizzical look in her eyes. Cloud struggled to meet her gaze.
"That is a weird question," she said, her attention going back to her flowers. "It has some ups and downs, I suppose. It's annoying when some creep tries to follow you home, but there are also nice sides to it. For example, I think flower girl sounds better than flower boy. I'd say all in all it feels good to be a girl. Why?"
Cloud shrugged. "Just curious."
He hoped she did not smell the bullshit in his words, although with how perceptive Aerith was, she most likely did.
Her answer didn't really help him. He had hoped maybe Aerith would offer some of her strange insight, but he hadn't expected great results from asking. He doubted he'd receive a clearer answer from anyone else.
Still, it had been worth a try.
***
There were two thin scars on Genesis's chest. The first time Cloud had seen them, he had actually not realized what they were, and thought they were some kind of battle wounds, maybe. In his defense, SOLDIERs did tend to have the weirdest scars.
He'd asked once if Genesis minded having them. His boyfriend had shrugged, and said that while he didn't really like them, it had been worth getting those two literal weights off his chest.
Cloud tried to picture himself gaining them instead. He struggled to imagine breasts on his chest, and so ended up stuffing bundled up clothes in his shirt.
The effect wasn't exactly the most natural. The lumps weren't really the right shape, and one of them was slipping down along his chest. It would have probably looked better to grab something round. He had also overdone it a little with the amount of fabric, ending up with lumps that were way too big on his frame.
He had a hard time wrapping his mind around the idea of having breasts. He'd never felt the need for them before, and the harder he tried to picture it the stranger it became. He didn't mind the way his chest looked. Getting some kind of surgery to get breasts was not really an appealing thought.
Neither was getting bottom surgery. He didn't really feel any particular way about his penis. It was a piece of his body, one that could feel quite good, but he wasn't overly proud of it as some guys were. Nor did he actively dislike it, either.
Was this all a point against him being trans? Genesis had told him he didn't need to want the complete makeover, as he called it, but Cloud didn't feel he wanted much in the way of makeovers at all. He didn't think he wanted to look like a girl, or be a girl, for that matter. Maybe just blunt a little some of his more masculine traits.
...there was still the nonbinary option. It would make sense for him to not want to change things in that case, right?
And it wasn't as if he didn't have any... dysphoria, so to speak. There was the body hair thing. And his body wasn't really the picture of masculine virility, but maybe it would look nice to have a bit of a figure. A little padding around the hips, maybe.
The girl option was getting less likely the more he thought about it, but he didn't really have anything to rule out being nonbinary. The idea still had that little spark to it, even if it still put a weight in Cloud's stomach. It was strangely attractive, to think of himself as not quite a man but not quite a woman, either.
***
There was a term called gender euphoria that Cloud found digging around. He'd known of dysphoria, but he didn't think he had heard of that one before, or at least had never really paid much attention to it.
Cloud wondered if that was what he felt when he spun in a dress and forgot for a moment to be ashamed of it, or the weird amusement when his drink was ready and a barista called out to 'Miss Cloud' because they had thought his name was girly. Or maybe that confusing attractiveness the nonbinary identity seemed to have.
Chapter 2
Notes:
This chapter was actually done way before I planned it to but hey it's better that way right. I didn't expect so many people to be into this fic, thank you for all the attention!
Chapter Text
"Maybe I'm just imagining all of this," Cloud said.
"And why would you say that?" Genesis asked. He was sitting in an armchair, one arm propped up and his head lazily resting on his hand. Cloud was laying down on the couch, instead, and he felt a little like he was in one of those therapy sessions people had in movies.
Which wasn't all that far from the truth. They'd started talking about gender every once in a while, him and Genesis, or more specifically Cloud tried to explain what went on in his head. It had been Genesis's suggestion, because Cloud loathed talking about his feelings. But Genesis had pointed out Cloud had asked for his help, and he couldn't give it if Cloud kept everything to himself.
Cloud had to admit his thoughts did become a little clearer after he forced himself to put them into words. It was still horribly uncomfortable to share.
"I still think I should have noticed sooner."
There was something strange and upsetting about the idea of maybe having been wrong about his own identity for so long. Cloud used to pride himself on being more mature than his peers – which he now understood had been a pile of bullshit, but still. It bothered him to think that he might have missed signals about himself for so long.
"When? In Nibelheim? Darling, did you even know this was a possibility?"
"Did you in Banora?"
Genesis shrugged. "I knew what men were, I was surrounded by them. You had no idea being nonbinary was even a possibility."
Cloud sighed. "Guess so."
That was the leading idea, at that moment. That Cloud was nonbinary. He had been exploring that possibility more in the last few weeks, and it was definitely more convincing than that of being a woman. More convincing, not fully convincing.
Because most people would agree Cloud was fairly masculine. The fact that he was a SOLDIER in itself would give that impression. It was stupid to assign genders to professions, but it was a fact that the program only had a handful of women in it. Being SOLDIER was what a lot of little boys dreamed of, and Cloud had to wonder if he wouldn't have picked a job that was less masculine, so to speak, if he truly hadn't been a man.
Genesis sighed. "How long have you been sitting on this by now? Two months?"
"More or less."
"Cis people don't usually spend months torturing themselves over gender. And if it does turn out you were wrong after all, what about it? No one's going to get hurt by you questioning yourself. Frankly, it's something more people should do to begin with."
He was right about that. There were a lot of things Genesis said that made sense, but that didn't mean Cloud necessarily absorbed them.
"My suggestion," Genesis continued, "is to stop worrying you are making things up, and try to run with it. If it feels wrong, you'll notice it, and if it feels right, then you'll have your confirmation."
***
If Angeal were there, no doubt he would have scolded Cloud and Zack for eating greasy, fat dripping burgers on the couch, that they could very easily leave stains on. Angeal wasn't there, however, and they were free to eat their junk food wherever they wanted. It was Zack's couch, anyways. Not Cloud's problem if it got dirty.
"-and if I never have to deal with bureaucracy again, it'll be too soon," Zack said around mouthfuls. He had been passionately complaining to Cloud about his struggled in getting reports in. Apparently Lazard had decided to take a few days off, and told Zack he could file his mission report to Heidegger, and to do that Zack had had to go through five different secretaries in various degrees of annoyance.
Cloud swallowed his food. "He could have just told you to send it in to Sephiroth." After all, Sephiroth was the highest ranking SOLDIER Shinra had. As a Second Class, Cloud still sent occasionally sent his reports to him, and not Lazard, unless the mission was one the Director deemed particularly important.
"I know! I could have just handed it to him at dinner, but no, it involved a potential threat to the city's security and so Heidegger would have wanted it. Bet Lazard just made me do it because he didn't want to deal with the bastard himself."
Cloud snickered. "Can't blame him."
"Honestly, me neither. I hope he doesn't have to jump loops like I had to do every time he needs to bring up something to the Board. I only managed to figure out who I had to speak to because Daisy, you know Daisy?"
"No." Every time he spoke to Zack, Cloud learnt about new people. Sometimes it seemed his boyfriend was friends with quite literally everyone in the Tower.
"Ve's a secretary, and I knew ve worked for Heidegger's department-"
"Ve?"
"Uh, yeah. Told me ve liked those pronouns. Had to get a bit used to that, I'd never heard it before, but it's not the weirdest set I've heard either. Anyways-"
Without quite meaning to, Cloud tuned out what Zack was saying.
Zack was a cool guy. There was nothing he judged people for. Cloud had never once heard him say anything negative about anyone's gender, or sexuality, or anything else. Zack even had some friends who were Wutai immigrants, people most of Midgar and especially those in the army often still mistrusted.
His parents had raised him to not judge people, that's what he said. Cloud envied that a little. Not that his mom hadn't raised him well, but Gongaga was even more of a hole in the middle of nowhere than Nibelheim, yet Gongaga natives were a lot nicer.
Zack had been there when Cloud had had his sexuality crisis, back when Cloud was still just a trooper trying to pass the SOLDIER entry exam. He'd helped Cloud through it, and he hadn't been mad that Cloud's head had still been full of bullshit regarding being gay.
He wouldn't have a problem with it if Cloud was trans. He'd take it in stride. He'd probably offer to help Cloud as much as possible, even if he was as cis as could be. Cloud could tell him without problems. There was no reason for Cloud to be nervous about the idea of opening up about gender with Zack, yet there he was.
"-Cloud? Are you with me?"
Cloud blinked. "What?"
"You here? You seemed kind of lost," Zack said, frowning. "Anything on your mind?"
...Genesis had told him he needed to just try and go with it. What better place to start with than with a boyfriend.
"I don't think I'm a guy."
It sort of tumbled out of his mouth without Cloud really thinking about what he was going to say.
Zack blinked. "What?"
Cloud hadn't planned for this. He felt a little like panicking now.
"I- I've been doing some thinking, lately, and I may not be a man. Not really. I'm not really sure about it yet, it's just... It's a possibility," he said. He was suddenly finding it very hard to look at Zack. His heart had started hammering in his chest.
"Wait, wait, wait, you're telling me you're a girl?"
"No. No, I might be... nonbinary."
Gaia, it was like pulling teeth to say it. At least Genesis had been able to sort of guess where was Cloud going once Cloud had started talking to him about it. Zack seemed completely out of his depth. His surprised gaze was very heavy to be under.
Just as Cloud started to turn away, a muscular arm wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him closer to Zack. "Don't shut down on me, Spike."
"I wasn't going to," Cloud lied.
"Alright then. I, ah, wasn't expecting that. But that's cool, thanks for telling me, Cloud. Wait, do I have to call you something different now?"
"No." Cloud didn't know if Zack meant his name, or something else, but Cloud hadn't really decided anything on that front. "And it's not definitive. I'm questioning."
He had to make sure Zack understood that. Being nonbinary was a possibility. Not a fact yet. Cloud wasn't convinced that it was one yet, nor was he ready to treat it as such. He still had too many questions hanging.
"Alright. Keep me updated, then."
"Will do. Thanks."
"What for? What am I here for, if not to support you?"
"To annoy me, usually," Cloud replied, without much bite to it.
Zack had just... accepted that. No questions asked. It had been exactly the reaction anyone who knew Zack would have expected, but for some reason it still meant a lot. It was loosening some kind of nervous knot in Cloud's chest.
He's cis as fuck, and he has no problem with this. Suck it, Cloud thought, showing a mental middle finger to conservative Nibel people clutching their pearls.
"Ouch, Spike. But I guess Genesis could be better for like, support in this."
"I've already talked to him. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but-"
"Hey, don't worry. He's the one who knows about this stuff, I get it."
"I still have to tell Sephiroth and Angeal too," Cloud said.
"Take your time, then," Zack replied, leaning down a little to brush his lips against Cloud's cheek.
"Gross, you're full of sauce," Cloud said, pushing him away.
Zack laughed. "I can lick it off of you after."
"That's even worse!"
***
There was a website that allowed him to input his name and a pronoun set of his choice, and then showed him a text where they were used together. Something made for trans people who wanted to take a shot at pronouns.
For a few days, he tried out pretty much all that he could find, from the most common ones to a whole list of neopronouns he found around, trying to figure out if something gave him any particular feelings.
'He' was neither good nor bad. It was what he heard every day in his life, so no big discoveries there. 'She' was too much. The feelings it gave him were strange and mixed and not quite good. 'It' he tried once just to give it a shot and immediately decided against it. It only made him think of scientists calling him 'subject' when he'd gotten his Mako injections. As for the neopronouns, nothing clicked. They felt like something very... out and proud, neither of which could apply to Cloud.
'They'... was nice. It did not put him in any box. Not a man, not a woman, but it didn't really have to mean that he was something entirely different either. Neutral. Away from the stricter expectations of he and she, but without that strong declaration of being nonbinary of neopronouns.
Cloud tested it again and again, for various days, reading the texts aloud to experiment with the way they rolled off the mouth. It wasn't bad. Actually, they were finding they rather liked it.
***
"I'm going to look ridiculous."
"You will, if you don't stop moving your face," Genesis snapped, tracing the edge of Cloud's eye with the small brush.
How had Cloud let Genesis convince... them into this, they didn't know. It's true that they wanted to look somewhat more feminine, but having makeup on their face made them feel queasy. It was way out of their comfort zone. It was making their skin crawl to just sit still on the chair while Genesis worked.
"I think you look great," Zack said, "and you only have one eye done."
Cloud grunted. They had no idea what was Genesis putting on their face. Their knowledge of makeup was very superficial. Genesis had told them the names of what he was using, but Cloud had already forgotten most of them. At least Genesis had promised to go light on them.
"Almost done," Genesis said, turning Cloud's face a little to the right. Even with their eyes closed, Cloud could picture the focused expression Genesis had to be wearing.
"You know, if we're looking for things for you to try out, I think you'd look great with long hair," Zack said.
"I don't." Long hair had been their embarrassing early teen phase, and it could stay there. They'd insisted they wanted to grow it out, but in hindsight they preferred how it looked short. Not to mention, taking care of long hair was a pain in the ass. "And I know how much Sephiroth has to work on his hair. No way I'll grow it out."
Zack snickered. "Can you picture that, Gen? Cloud with ass length hair?"
"Not quite."
"Good, because you will never see it."
"Finished," Genesis said. "Take a look."
Cloud opened their eyes. Genesis was giving them a hand mirror.
They didn't really want to look. That would mean finding out what Genesis and Zack were seeing, and Cloud thought they preferred to leave it to the imagination.
But Genesis had put work into it, and so Cloud steeled themselves and looked.
There were thin black lines around his eyes, making them look bigger than they usually were. Their lips were the usual color, but with the shine of lipgloss. Whatever Genesis had put on their cheeks didn't really change the shape of Cloud's face, only made it a little softer, and also a little darker, because the makeup was Genesis's and they did not have the same skintone.
With shock, they realized they looked nice. They'd expected to see something horrible – some weird man with his face badly painted – but that wasn't the case. For a second they almost struggled to connect the face they were seeing with their own, because there was no way they'd look that good in makeup.
"So?" Genesis sounded smug, as if trying to tell them 'I told you so'.
Cloud swallowed. "It's not bad."
Of course, it was good also because Genesis knew what he was doing. Had Cloud been the one to do it, they would have probably done their best impression of a clown.
"It's definitely not bad," Zack said, grinning.
"Want to look pretty too, while we're at it?" Genesis asked.
Zack seemed about to say no, but then he glanced at Cloud. "Uh. A little, maybe?"
He was doing that to make Cloud feel at ease. Cloud should have hit him.
Instead, they turned the mirror a little, while Genesis tried to bully Zack into glitter. Why had they been so worried it would look bad? Makeup wasn't some female only thing. They'd seen men look good in it. Genesis wore it regularly to parties and events. He'd even told Cloud he had originally learnt how to wear it to look more masculine, before the hormones had started doing their job. Hell, even Sephiroth put a little of eyeliner on now and then.
But they were men who knew their gender and decided to wear makeup to look better. They were not confused and fumbling around in the attempt of convincing themselves of who and what they were. Maybe what Cloud thought they would have seen was just a fake, a man in denial trying to mask himself to pretend he was something else.
Their face actually looked... strangely natural, like that. Pretty. Men weren't pretty, usually, they were handsome or gorgeous at most. Cloud had been called that before, and every time they'd gotten flustered and told the other to person to shut up, that they were a man. The word had always left them feeling vulnerable. Almost exposed.
They also felt exposed now, despite technically being covered with more layers than they usually were. Strangely enough, however, it wasn't all bad. Scary, yes, but they couldn't say they were entirely uncomfortable with their boyfriends seeing them, not when Genesis had managed to make Zack sit still and was now putting straight up lipstick on him.
Maybe there was something to be said about prettiness. Cloud would have to find some tutorial on how to make their eyes look like that themselves.
***
If there was a serious possibility that Cloud was in some way right about this, it wasn't fair to keep it from some of their boyfriends. First of all, because they didn't like having to keep secrets from any of them, not when a five people relationship needed all the communication they could. Second, because it wasn't fair either, to ask Genesis and Zack to keep their secrets.
Third, because if Cloud was different than they had all thought, then Sephiroth and Angeal deserved to be aware of it.
Sephiroth's flat was Sephiroth's space. If they all had to spend time together, it was usually at Genesis's, Zack's, or Angeal's. Cloud's place was too small, the Seconds did not get the kind of housing quarters the Firsts did, only a single room with a small bathroom. And Sephiroth's flat was his own thing, that he retreated in to spend some time on his own.
Cloud understood that. They'd spent their whole childhood almost alone, they knew how sometimes people got too much to deal with. Sephiroth had never had friends or companions before his teenage years, and they were all used to how he needed to be alone for a few hours every once in a while.
Cloud always felt a little as if they were intruding, knocking on Sephiroth's door. They hoped they were not bothering him.
"Cloud," Sephiroth said, finding them outside the door. "Is something the matter?"
"I need to tell you one thing. Can I come inside?"
Sephiroth stepped aside, letting Cloud in. Cloud had become fluent enough in microexpressions to spot the worried frown on Sephiroth's face. "What is it?"
Cloud took a deep breath. They could have gone to sit on Sephiroth's couch, made themselves at ease, but this felt like a standing up conversation.
They had rehearsed this in front of the mirror, they could get it out. "I've been questioning my gender lately. I'm starting to think I might be nonbinary. It's not sure yet, but I wanted you to know."
Gaia, they'd sounded like they were giving a military report. They should have practiced more before coming there.
Sephiroth's eyes widened a little. "I... see. I assume Genesis has been helping you?"
"Yes. I've told Zack, too. I'm sorry I hadn't told you yet."
"That's alright. I had noticed there was something going on, but I hadn't imagined this would be the reason."
Of course. Sephiroth was somehow simultaneously the best and worst at reading people. There was no doubt he would have noticed a change in behavior in them, but not been able to pinpoint a cause.
"Yeah." Cloud had reached the end of their little speech, and now had no idea how to continue. They awkwardly shuffled their feet, trying to figure out where to go from there. "You... ok with it?"
"Why would I not be?"
"I don't know, just, that'd make me... different, I guess."
"You're Cloud. I don't fully understand what kind of changes there will be, but I doubt you'll become an entirely different person."
That wasn't wrong, but... "Something would still change. And... honestly, I don't even know if you're into, well, anyone who isn't a man."
Genesis and Zack were, and maybe that was why Cloud had found it easier to tell them. Sephiroth, on the other hand, never really talked about his sexuality, but given all his relationships were with men, Cloud had to wonder if it meant something, or if it was just a random chance.
"I wouldn't quite know, either. All the people I've been attracted to are currently in a relationship with me. Given I am attracted to you, maybe we can suppose I am attracted to more than just men."
Cloud's cheeks grew warm. "You've been working under the assumption I'm a man until now."
Sephiroth's lips curved in a small smile. "Yes, but as I said, being of a different gender will not make you a new person, and right now I don't see how the change would make me less attracted to you."
Sephiroth deserved some kind of award for managing to turn Cloud into a blushing mess by speaking logical words in an entirely neutral tone. Coming from him, that had been a straight up love declaration. One that made Cloud both want to hide their face in their hands and kiss him. They blamed it on the leftover effects of their teen crush on Sephiroth.
"That's... thank you," they said.
Sephiroth was alright with this. Gaia, did Cloud feel lighter now.
* **
It wasn't that Cloud had been putting this off. Just a little, maybe. When they had told Sephiroth, Angeal had been on a long mission, and when he came back he was so tired he slept for thirteen hours straight, and Cloud hadn't wanted to give him more thoughts. They'd just let him rest a couple days, that was all.
As they helped Angeal water his plants, Cloud mentally kicked themselves. They were SOLDIER. They were supposed to be brave. Not just get stuck wondering about things they'd only get an answer to if they asked.
"Hey, Angeal?"
"Yes?"
"You're gay, right?"
Cloud's attention was still on the plant in front of them, but they still felt Angeal's look on them. "Yes. Why do you ask?"
Because out of their boyfriends Angeal was the one who posed the biggest question. Oh, he'd support Cloud, they didn't doubt it, but he was also the only one Cloud was entirely sure was gay. Exclusively. He liked men and only men.
"Is everything alright?" Angeal said, when Cloud took a moment to answer.
"So, you wouldn't be into someone who isn't a man? Of- of any gender?"
Angeal's hand came to rest on Cloud's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Why are you asking me this?"
Cloud licked their lips. "I may not be a man."
"By which you mean...?"
"Not a woman, either. Probably. Something else."
"Ah." Their eyes were still on the houseplants, but they heard Angeal put down the pruning scissors he was still holding. "This is a recent development, I take it?"
"Recent enough." Was Angeal going to answer their question, Cloud was starting to sweat cold there.
Angeal sighed. "Cloud, listen. If this is the case, and you think you're not a man, then don't worry about how I'll feel about it."
"But-"
"Look. I remember how Genesis was. I don't know if you've asked him, but I assure you he'll play off how miserable he was back then. I don't know how you feel about being a man, but if you're not happy like this then I don't want you to be stuck over what I'd think or not think."
"You know it wouldn't make me happy either to have to break things off with you, right?" Cloud said, turning to Angeal at last. He was frowning, but he didn't look angry.
"Neither would I," he replied. "But... well. I've never been in the position of being attracted to someone who is... nonbinary, I take it?"
Cloud nodded. "Maybe."
"So I can't really give you an answer. I want to tell you it will change nothing, but I don't know either."
"I don't want to give you a sexuality crisis."
Angeal shrugged. "You figure yourself out, I'll think about this."
"And what if it turns out I'll be... too girly, for you?"
Angeal took a deep breath. "We'll... we'll figure that out, too. But you don't know yet either, do you?"
"No."
"Stop worrying, then. First understand yourself, and then worry about me." Angeal smiled. "And if it really comes down to that, I guess you'll get to brag about being the only girl I've ever loved."
Cloud gaped at him, trying to parse what they had just heard.
"You can't just say things like that!" they shouted, punching Angeal's arm. They were having a serious crisis there!
"And what, let Genesis be the only dramatic bastard in our household? Not a chance."
Angeal pulled them in, and Cloud let themselves be dragged, burying their face in Angeal's chest. Strong arms wrapped around their shoulders.
"Trust you to immediately jump to the worst possibility," Angeal said, his voice both fond and exasperated. "You do realize if you hadn't introduced the subject like that I wouldn't have even thought about those things right now?"
Cloud mumbled something indistinct.
"I love you. If you're happy, I'm happy, you get it?"
"Thank you."
"And don't you dare worry about my sexuality again, alright? If something comes up, I'll tell you."
Cloud nodded against Angeal's chest. They weren't entirely reassured, but at least Angeal hadn't just dumped them and said they never wanted to see them again as their mind had suggested could happen. Which had been a dumb idea in the first place, because Angeal would never react that way over anything.
Maybe their boyfriends were right when they said Cloud needed to have a more optimist outlook on life.
"Good. Now, I say we finish here, and you can tell me all about your new discoveries in the meanwhile, alright?"
"Sure."
Chapter 3
Notes:
Thanks to all who have left kudos, comments, or bookmarked, y'all keep me alive
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
"No, no, no, come on-"
Cloud grinned as their chocobo rushed past Zack's on the screen. They'd already won two rounds against him, and they fully intended to keep up the streak. "Eat dust, Fair."
They yelped when a finger poked them in the ribs, right where they were ticklish, making them miss a booster and almost run off track.
"Don't cheat, Zack," Angeal chided. He was terrible at racing games, but didn't mind watching them, and so had been elected to the position of arbiter for Zack and Cloud.
"Oh come on, Angeal, you know I always play fair," Zack replied, and poked Cloud again just before they got another boost.
"That pun was old the first time I had to hear it," Genesis said, head pillowed on Angeal's lap and eyes fixed on Loveless.
"And you are cheating."
"If Cloud's as good as he- they say they are, this shouldn't be a problem."
Cloud managed to kick him before getting poked again.
Genesis sighed. "I hope they do just to shut you up."
Cloud kept playing, and it wasn't just finishing before Zack that made them grin. They'd only asked a few days before to switch pronouns to neutral ones when talking about them, to see how they felt outside of their own head. It had been weird at first, but now there was no denying the nice euphoria building in their chest whenever they heard them.
Their boyfriends still slipped up here and there, struggling a little to rewire themselves after years of knowing them, but they were trying. They did their best to help Cloud, to make them at ease, they had almost entirely gotten the hang of their pronouns, and somehow that was working to make Cloud a little less nervous.
***
The concept of taking hormones wasn't one Cloud was entirely unfamiliar with. Genesis had his shot regularly, and would complain to no end if a mission screwed up his schedule and forced him to take it a few days late. Cloud had asked him once if he really had to keep taking them all the time, and Genesis had told them not only it was a lifelong deal, but he had to make sure he got them more often than most people. SOLDIER metabolism, it worked faster and required Genesis to keep on a strict upkeep.
However, while Cloud did know the basics, they still had to do some research concerning estrogen. They had pretty much ruled against surgery, but hormones were another thing.
Some of the effects they wouldn't have minded. Decrease in body hair, fat redistribution, those could have been nice.
Some other things they were less sure about. They were somewhat on the fence about the breast growth thing, for starters. It wasn't as if they'd suddenly grow a D cup, but Cloud was unsure about it.
They'd have to think about it. First, of course, they had to make entirely sure they were nonbinary before taking any kind of action, and they weren't yet to that point. Then they had to decide whether or not the pros would outweigh the cons. And other than the effects of hormones themselves, there were the other cons.
Their health insurance would probably cover hormone therapy, but they would still have to go have a talk with a therapist first to get it. Which Cloud did not want to do. It was already hard enough to talk about gender with people they knew and trusted, but doing so with a stranger taking notes was so out of the question in that moment.
Then, they'd have a whole lot of people to inform. Lazard, for starters, the Director was informed of any medical procedure SOLDIERs went through, but Lazard was also the least of Cloud's problems. They'd have to ask Shinra doctors to deliver hormones, and because they were SOLDIER, they'd probably have to do some experimentation with it to figure out the right dosage, and Cloud had had enough of Shinra doctors poking at them for a lifetime. And surely Hojo would find out, he always kept up with SOLDIERs, and Cloud did not want Hojo involved. It was a pity Genesis had failed to set him on fire that time Hojo had tried to give him a biology lecture.
Who else in Shinra would know, then? The other SOLDIERs, maybe. Likely, actually, they did share close quarters when they were on missions. Scarlet, probably, because she was a terrible gossip. The Turks, very likely, because they were creepy bastards. Actually, if someone told Cloud the Turks monitored all his internet searches and already knew all about this, Cloud wouldn't even be surprised.
And , Cloud was still aiming for First Class. As a Second Class, they were still mostly anonymous. Only weird Shinra hardcore fans bothered to keep track of who Second Classes were. But a First Class? The invasive fanclub came with the job. T hose people had managed to figure out the brand of Sephiroth's shampoo , if Cloud got one of those clubs they would surely find out if Cloud was on E.
...all of that disregarding the fact that if Cloud did start taking hormones, it would only be a matter of time before it started to become plain to anyone who so much as took a look at them.
That terrified Cloud. No matter how much they told themselves this wasn't something to be ashamed about, the idea of potentially the whole world knowing about their gender was frightening. All those eyes on them, watching, judging. They knew they could not take it in stride. They weren't Genesis, who was as confident as could be, and barely cared if some stranger decided to leave an offensive comment on the internet. Nor were they Sephiroth, or Angeal, or Zack, who only rolled their eyes at any rude opinion thrown their way.
Cloud was anxious, and they knew that, just as they knew it was one of the main reason their promotion to First Class was stalling. They were working on it. Really, they'd made progresses since they'd come to Midgar, a nervous kid desperately trying to look bigger than they felt.
They weren't at that point yet, however. Even if they woke up tomorrow entirely and completely sure they were nonbinary, they would not be able to walk out of their room and just make it public. Coming out to their boyfriends had been hard, and they were the people who would most support them. Simply trying to imagine being out in public, with all that potential hate directed their way, was making them feel like throwing up.
It shouldn't have mattered what strangers and people Cloud didn't even like thought. But it did. Any thoughts of doing anything that would alter their body in a visible way were thrown in the trash can for the time being, and until the day they'd be able to focus on how they would feel to start E, and not how others would think of them for it.
***
Cloud wasn't sure why they'd woken up in the middle of the night, but it was not too rare an occasion, not when their sleeping schedule was more often than not a complete mess thanks to missions on the other side of the world. They'd closed their eyes, and tried to fall asleep once again, but they weren't able to.
As was often the case when struggling to find sleep at four in the morning, Cloud's thoughts started turning in unwanted directions. In that moment, specifically, they went towards Nibelheim.
Their mother had been so proud when Cloud had finally managed to join SOLDIER. She had been confused, but eventually accepting, when her son had told her he was gay. Cloud wondered how would she react if that same son told her they were not a son after all.
Everyone else in Nibel would surely react badly. Cloud had never been popular, no one would try to understand if they declared they were nonbinary. They'd be judged and called crazy for following some weird Midgar fashion, they could imagine the laughter if people found out they wore a dress, or that they were trying to learn how to put up makeup on their own...
Cloud took a deep breath. They were not in Nibelheim, with all its small town prejudices. As much as they missed being under a sky that was blue and not Mako green, Cloud was not going to go back to live there. The only Nibel natives they interacted with were their mom, who was the only person who loved them in the town, and Tifa, who had also moved to Midgar and learnt how to get rid of all the small town bullshit she'd been taught.
None of those who had been mean to Cloud in their childhood were there. They were far away, and they did not matter. What mattered was Sephiroth's arm thrown around Cloud's middle, and Zack's body heat next to them. Cloud had no reason to be afraid. Not in that moment. Not when surrounded by people who actually cared.
They took slow, long breaths, the way Angeal had shown them to help them calm down if their mind decided to torture them, and tried to fall asleep once again.
***
Cloud dragged their feet on the way back to the inn, sweat and dirt clinging to their skin. They were fairly sure they had hunted down all the stray monsters they'd been told to deal with, but they'd have to stay a little more to make sure of it. They were just a little outside of Mideel, and the humid heat was killing them.
They couldn't wait to take a shower. Cold, possibly.
"Back already?" said the inn's owner.
Cloud would have been happy to grunt a reply and make their way to their room, but they couldn't be rude to people just because they were in a bad mood. "I should be done with it."
"Oh, thank you," the owner said. She was an old lady, the kind that can spend hours chatting someone up, and Cloud hoped that she would not. "Good thing Shinra sent you, those things had been bothering us for months. My grandson works for Shinra too, you know? He's in the army."
She'd better not ask them if they knew him.
"He's about your age, too. A few years older, maybe. Wish he'd have stayed here with us, but the war made a lot of kids leave for Midgar." She sighed. If she started saying how much Cloud reminded her of him... "You sort of remind me of him, you know?" There. Cloud had to resist the urge to roll their eyes. "You seem like a very nice young man, your parents must be proud to have a son that helps people like us."
Something in Cloud's mouth suddenly tasted bitter. "Thanks. I'm tired now, I'll go back to my room."
"Oh, alright then."
Had they been rude? Maybe.
Nice young man . Ever since they'd started questioning, that kind of things bothered them more than they used to. Maybe it was because now they actually paid attention to it, but their dysphoria seemed to flare up more easily at words like those. And when Cloud was already in a bad mood, it seemed to magnify even more.
They'd have to apologize to the old lady, later. Not like she could have known. But later. Right now they just wanted to scrub off the heat and that irritating feeling.
***
The thing about being in a relationship with five people was that there were way too many anniversaries to remember. Cloud had never been good with dates, so they just opted to fill their PHS with reminders.
Neither they nor Zack had been around when Sephiroth had joined Genesis and Angeal in their relationship, but they still did a group celebration every year. They didn't go out for the occasion, because Sephiroth preferred to stay all together at home, but they still all tried to make it a bit fancy.
Cloud didn't really have a lot of clothes that could be called nice. They liked baggy things. Outside of their uniform, most of their wardrobe was composed of oversized hoodies, even more oversized hoodies they'd stolen from a boyfriend or the other, and oversized tees for when it was too hot to wear a hoodie.
Usually, they just went for their one button up shirt and the nicest jeans they owned if they needed to dress a bit nicer.
However, they'd gotten an idea. They rushed to Angeal's place a bit earlier than the time they were supposed to get there, holding a duffel bag. They didn't pass many people in the hallways, and no one glanced twice at them, but Cloud was still tense for the whole walk. They felt seen, even if no one knew what they kept in their bag.
"Hey," Angeal said, opening the door to Cloud. "You're early."
"I know. Can I use your bathroom for a moment?"
"Sure," Angeal replied, eyeing Cloud's bag with curiosity.
Once there, Cloud took out their dress. While not exactly elegant, it was still a bit prettier than their other things.
They held it up, looking down at it. They'd worn it before in front of their boyfriends, but never in a casual context. Being looked at while in it was easier if they were wearing it because of sex. Flustering, but everyone got flustered when they were getting laid, dresses or not.
Cloud's eyes ran up and down on the fabric. Their stomach had tightened up. It was not wrong, their reminded themselves. There was nothing wrong in putting dresses on, nor in enjoying it. Cloud would look nice in it.
No point in standing around. Cloud put the dress down on the counter, and started taking off their uniform, stuffing it in the bag.
They changed underwear too, putting on a pair of panties they usually kept hidden in the back of their drawers. Sephiroth may appreciate that later. And it was easier, in a way, to dress up as if they were just trying to be sexy. Familiar territory.
They fixed their hair up in the mirror. They had briefly considered makeup, too, but then they'd discarded that. It was way too much all at once. Besides, they'd practiced, but Cloud still ended up looking like a panda whenever they tried to put on eyeliner.
They took one deep breath, and left the room.
Genesis had arrived while Cloud was changing, and he was now preparing the table while Angeal cooked. Both of them looked up when Cloud came in, and paused.
"Looking good," Angeal said, after a brief moment.
"Thanks." Cloud knew they had to be blushing. They held their hands together in front of them, nervously pulling on their fingers.
Genesis walked up to them, brushing their hair out of their face. "Don't be nervous, darling. There is no hate, only joy, for you are beloved by the Goddess."
"Are you the Goddess in this?" Cloud asked.
Genesis grinned. "My ego is not that inflated, but I'm sure she would also think you are just beautiful."
Cloud's cheeks warmed more. "Thanks." It seemed their vocabulary had reduced to that single word.
"Do you want to help Genesis get the place ready?" Angeal asked, blissfully taking attention away from Cloud's outfit. On purpose, probably, it must have been painfully obvious how exposed Cloud felt.
Cloud nodded, grabbing a lighter for the fancy candles Genesis had placed on the table. There were no more comments about how they looked, rather some bickering when Genesis stole some of the food Angeal was making. A normal evening, for all intents and purposes, and Cloud started to relax.
***
"I can't believe I still had this," Genesis said, turning the binder around in his hands.
He had found it somewhere in the back of his closet. Genesis had decided it was time to do some cleaning in his flat, and roped in the rest of them to help him go around and dig through old stuff.
"Do you want to keep it for nostalgia sake?" Zack asked. He sat on the floor, he and Sephiroth making a pile of all the Loveless editions they had found.
"Nostalgia of what? Tits? Bruising? No thanks."
Zack grimaced. "Bruising?"
"Happens if you wear one of these too long, and I did until it started hurting." Genesis clicked his tongue. "The joys of dysphoria. Cloud, listen to your elders, always pay attention to the health warnings."
Cloud raised an eyebrow. "You know, I'm not going to start binding."
"No, but you may want to start tucking, and if you do, do it safely."
Cloud cleared their throat. "I'm not really dying to try."
It's not that they hadn't thought about it, but they didn't feel a strong need to. There was a certain sense of curiosity towards how they'd look if everything was flat down there, but it wasn't as if Cloud owned any tight clothing they'd need not to bulge.
Also, they had to admit they felt a bit nervous at the thought. It was a sensitive area. They didn't want to accidentally do something wrong. If they really decided to hide, they'd definitely prefer to just try with a gaff before attempting to do anything involving inguinal canals they hadn't even been aware they could use that way until a few weeks ago.
"What's tucking?" Zack asked.
"Hold on," Cloud said, pulling out their PHS. "Here."
Zack took it from them, and started to read. Sephiroth had seemed to that point unconcerned by the conversation, but now he crouched behind Zack, peering over his shoulder to see.
"...you make them go where," Zack whispered.
Sephiroth blinked down at what Cloud presumed was the diagram. "I hadn't known people did that."
"Doesn't it hurt?"
Cloud shrugged. "Don't ask me, I've never tried."
"Plenty of people do it, so I assume not too much," Genesis said.
Zack squirmed. "I understand why people do it, but how do you even figure it out?"
"I've had it from reliable sources cold water can do the trick," Genesis said.
"Yeah, and it hurts."
"I imagine if done gently you could avoid the pain," Sephiroth said. "It makes sense."
"Interested in trying?" Genesis asked.
Cloud elbowed him. "Don't dare Sephiroth to do that."
"What aren't we daring Sephiroth to do?" Angeal walked in the living room, shirtless and with his hair wet from the shower he'd been taking.
"We're explaining tucking to them," Genesis said.
Angeal leveled Genesis with a look. "Don't dare Sephiroth to push his balls back into his body."
"You guys are no fun."
***
It wasn't often that Cloud and their boyfriends could relax and go for a walk in Midgar. Conflicting schedules aside, there was also the annoyance of fans of the Firsts spotting them. Which was why Angeal had a hood pressed down on his face, and Zack sported a baseball cap and a pair of too large sunglasses. It was painfully obvious both of them were hiding something, but at least no one had stopped them yet.
"We can just go inside and buy it," Zack said.
"It's expensive."
"And you've got a First Class salary, and Shinra pays for your bills."
Cloud let Zack and Angeal argue about whether or not Angeal should buy the nice camera that had caught his eye. It was a well rehearsed scene. Angeal would end up saying it was too expensive after all, and then sheepishly come home with it one week later. Cloud didn't butt in, just wandered around a little waiting for them to be done.
Next to the camera was a clothing store, one of those topside places that liked to sell plain white shirts for enough money to pay rent in the slums. Cloud had never really understood the appeal of clothes shopping, but they stopped in front of the window, taking a look to pass the time.
The display was nice to look at, at least. The mannequin in front of Cloud was posed to look like it was walking, showing off a button up shirt and a skirt.
Without really meaning to, Cloud found themselves staring at the skirt. Ridiculous price aside, it looked good. A black, shorter outer layer, and a grey inner one. Loose and in neutral colors, it would probably the kind of skirt Cloud would wear, if they actually wore skirts.
Cloud swallowed. They were getting over a little of their dress shame, but they weren't going to start wearing women clothes in public either. They had one dress, and that was enough, if they wanted to put something feminine on. There was no need for them to get a skirt, especially one from a pricey store. No matter how nice it would look on them.
Of course, one could still dream. And now that Cloud was allowing themselves to explore sides of them they'd kept pushed down for a lifetime, they were starting to get a lot of dreams.
"What are you looking at?"
Cloud flinched when Zack suddenly spoke next to them. "Nothing."
"Sure? I thought you were staring at that skirt pretty intensely."
Cloud looked away from the store in general. "No."
"Aw, you were."
"So?"
"Do you... want it?" Zack asked.
"No!"
"Don't start whining about costs too-"
"I'm not going in a store to buy a skirt," Cloud hissed.
They couldn't. They weren't ready for that. Even speaking about it in the middle of the street was making them uncomfortable. They didn't want to deal with people looking at them as they went in there and got a skirt and wonder what they may be thinking. Midgar may be accepting, but there were still people who'd see Cloud try a skirt on and think they were some kind of freak. Even if those people were only in their head.
If some future Cloud had enough confidence to wear nothing but dresses, then they could go and buy them. This Cloud wasn't going to. Especially not in such an expensive store. If they really needed a skirt, they could just ask Tifa or Aerith if they had a spare to lend them.
They forgot about it entirely until three days later Genesis presented them with a bag.
"What is it?"
"Open it."
Cloud peered inside, and immediately closed the bad again. "What is this?"
"I was dragging Angeal to get the newest camera he was in denial about wanting, and he happened to mention you'd been a bit taken with this."
Cloud gaped at him. "You shouldn't-"
Genesis waved a hand. "Stop. The others pitched in with the money too, if it makes you worry less."
The others were also there, and they did not even look ashamed of having gotten them a stupidly expensive skirt Cloud would wear maybe once a month while hiding in their bedroom like a criminal.
"I didn't need-"
"But you wanted it," Genesis said. "My friend, your desire is the bringer of life, the gift of the Goddess. Go try it on, hopefully the size is right."
They felt so stupid, putting it on under their SOLDIER turtleneck. They couldn't think of anything more mismatched than that.
Their boyfriends, however, didn't seem to agree, all saying Cloud looked great in it. They could feel their face about to burst on fire.
There was a free space on the couch between Genesis and Sephiroth, but Cloud went to perch on the armrest next to Angeal instead. "I'm angry with you," he told Genesis.
"I'm the one who physically used my credit card in the store, just so you know," Angeal said, and laughed when Cloud stood up and went over to Genesis instead.
"There was no need," Cloud said. They'd have at least understood if Genesis had been the one to buy it, because Genesis liked to throw away his money left and right, but they'd have expected more sense from Angeal. "You know I won't be going around wearing it."
Sephiroth put an arm around their shoulders. "But you wanted it, and it makes you happy to have it."
Cloud flushed. He wasn't wrong about that. Some shocked part of them had been happy, genuinely, about the gift. "So?"
"So, all four of you always tell me that there is more to life than just what you need, don't you?"
Cloud didn't answer. Sephiroth was right, again. He had this tendency of disregarding his wants, an attitude born from a life spent as a borderline machine, and the other four still all fought him sometimes about how he needed to treat himself better. But one thing was Sephiroth eating nothing but ration bars for a week because technically they sustained him, another was Cloud getting a luxury item.
"We want you happy," Genesis said. "Even if it means spending a few gils for it."
"And before you start again, we don't care if you're never going to wear it. So long as you like it, that's good," Zack added.
Cloud didn't know what to answer to that. They didn't know how to voice that deep down, it wasn't just a matter of need or money.
No matter what Cloud did, there was still that feeling, that they had to be faking this, that they were just some strange man looking for attention. That they had to hide whatever these thoughts and desires they had were. Cloud tried to ignore it, beat that shitty little voice up, but it didn't leave.
And then their boyfriends got them something like this, and told them that they looked good, and that they were allowed to be nonbinary and dress however they wanted and be whoever they wanted, and Cloud didn't know how to react. They didn't know what to do with this support. It was overwhelming.
"You are all assholes," they said, letting their face fall against Sephiroth's shoulder, and wondering why they felt so much like grinning.
Notes:
Cloud's new skirt inspired by his black and grey dress in the Remake
Chapter 4
Notes:
I'm on a posting roll today lmao
This chapter contains what the relationship issues tag is about (well, the first part of it, at least). Kind of a tricky subject, so I'd love to know what you all think about it went
Chapter Text
"Hey guys," Cloud said. They stood in the doorway, hands in their pockets, trying to fake a confidence they didn't entirely feel.
Their boyfriends turned to them. "What is it?" Angeal asked.
Cloud took a deep breath. They'd done this once already, technically, they could do it again. Still, their tongue had gotten strangely heavy in their mouth. "I'm nonbinary. That's... that's definitive. Yeah."
"Definitive?" Zack repeated.
Cloud nodded. "I've been sitting on this for half a year now. Guess at this point I might say it officially."
That wasn't to say they didn't still have doubts. They did. Opening their mouth and making this statement was already making them come back. However, the more Cloud went on the less they felt as a man. They were starting to leave questioning territory, and it seemed right to let their boyfriends know.
Zack grinned. "Congrats on the gender, Spike."
"Thanks."
Their boyfriends pulled them closer, ruffling their hair and hugging them.
"Do you also meant to make it public?" Sephiroth asked.
"No," Cloud replied. "Not yet. There's just a few people I want to tell."
Their mother, for starters. She deserved to know. A few friends, maybe.
And even that was enough to make them nervous. Cloud didn't want to think about just how they would come out to them yet, it made their head spin. Becoming public about their gender was still entirely out of the question.
"Do you want us to keep referring to you as a man in public, then?" Genesis said.
"For now, yes."
"Alright, whatever you prefer."
***
"Can we have a talk?" Angeal asked, standing out of Cloud's flat.
The words made Cloud tense, but they tried not to let it show. "Sure. Come in. Want something?" A drink, maybe, Cloud had the feeling they may need it.
"No, thank you." Angeal crossed his arms, frowning, as if in thought. "Do you know what we talked about when you told me you were questioning?"
Cloud's stomach dropped. They did. The way Angeal had started the conversation was not promising, it sent chills down Cloud's spine. It had been ten days since Cloud had officially stated they were nonbinary, had Angeal waited to come and tell Cloud he wanted to break up with them until Cloud was more relaxed?
No. Cloud shouldn't be making assumptions. Maybe Angeal would instead tell Cloud he'd thought about it long and hard and decided he also liked nonbinary people. That would be perfect.
Then again, Cloud hadn't been able to not notice how lately Angeal seemed to be touching Cloud less. He was still generous with hugs and kisses, but he paid less attention to Cloud when all five of them were in bed together.
"You know, Banora wasn't the best place to be in when it came to being gay. I don't know if it was better or worse than Nibelheim, but it wasn't great either. And I'm not Genesis, I wasn't that confident in myself. I was in denial for a while, about liking men. I tried to convince myself to at least like women too, but, well, that didn't really work out," he said.
"I'm sorry," Cloud said, not too sure what to say.
"It's alright. I'm just trying to explain that it wasn't easy for me to wrap my mind around my sexuality. I guess it stayed a little of a sore spot."
"I understand." It hadn't been easy for Cloud either. Angeal didn't have their anxiety and insecurities, but Cloud could still imagine how it could have been hard for him. They also, given the way Angeal was speaking, imagined how it couldn't be easy for him to try and fit Cloud's new gender into it.
"You're a great person, Cloud. I thought so before you came out, and I still think that now. I'm lucky to have ever met you," Angeal said, and Gaia, that sounded like break up talk, and if it was who would Cloud even go cry to, because they couldn't possibly do it on their other boyfriends' shoulders. "I guess... It's gotten a bit strange for me."
Cloud nodded, trying to ignore the rising pressure in their throat. "So are you saying we should... break up?"
"No."
Cloud blinked. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand. If you don't..."
Angeal sighed. "It's not that I've stopped loving you, Cloud. I don't know, maybe if I had already known about your gender I wouldn't have been attracted to you, I can't know that. But I fell for you, and you being nonbinary didn't just make it all fade. I still love you as much as I love Genesis, or Zack, or Sephiroth. It's just... different."
"...oh."
Cloud didn't know what to make of that. In their mind, the options had always been that either Angeal kept on loving them, and nothing would change, or that he stopped. They hadn't considered third options. They weren't even sure they understood it.
"I still want to spend time with you," Angeal said. "And go on dates, and kiss you, and sleep with you. Just, well, literally sleeping."
"You're not attracted to me anymore?" Cloud asked.
"Not... It's not what I would say, exactly. I still think you look good, it's just... weird. Hard to explain. I still want you, but it's sort of conflictual, I guess. That's the best word I have for it. I'm sorry."
Cloud shook their head. "Don't be sorry. You can't control it."
"Wish I could."
"What... what then, what do you want to do?" Cloud asked.
"I don't want to break up with you, but I also don't really know myself what I want. It sounds bad, to say it, but maybe we could just... put things on pause?"
"Do you mean like, going back to square one and see what happens?"
"...sort of, yeah."
Cloud dragged a hand over their face. "You're still in love with me then?"
"I... think. I know I don't think of you as a friend. If it's not love, I don't have a better way to describe it."
"Love you too," Cloud said.
That was... better than how things could have done, but also worse in a way.
Cloud loved Angeal, romantically. They were also incredibly attracted to him, sexually, and sex had always been great between them. Cloud didn't like the idea of quitting that, but... It wasn't as if they were with Angeal only because he was a nice fuck. They were in this for his personality. If Angeal didn't want Cloud to touch him, then Cloud could back off, no big deal. It wasn't as if they were going to end up sexually deprived, they still had other three people they could sleep with.
Which was in itself a bigger problem. Cloud had never been in a sexless relationship, but they thought they could do it. On the other hand, Angeal was attracted to the other three, and would most likely keep having sex with them. If Cloud knew themselves, that was bound to result in some jealousy on their part.
And it wasn't just about the sex. Angeal had said he wanted to take a break, and Cloud assumed that meant putting all the relationship stuff to the side, for now. Acting like they were friends and nothing else. And Cloud didn't think it would be easy to see Angeal being his normal, affectionate self with the others, but not with Cloud.
"I don't know what to say. I don't want to break up with you, of course, but I need to think about this too. How it would work," Cloud said.
Angeal nodded. "Of course. Take all the time you need."
"It may end up badly, you know that?"
"I know. We'll have to communicate a lot."
They would, and Cloud hated that. They knew how communication worked, they wouldn't have lasted in a polycule if they didn't. The first weeks since they'd been added to it had been spent figuring out boundaries and discussing things and it had been beyond stressful at times. Cloud didn't want to have start that part over again with Angeal.
But. This was Angeal. Out of all them, he was the most patient, and honest, and generally speaking the better emotionally adjusted. He was often the first to calm down after fights, and knew how to spot an issue in their relationship before the others. If there was someone who could make this transition work, it was Angeal.
And Cloud... Cloud could be a selfish bastard.
"We'll have to talk about this with the others too. Let them know what's going on."
"They'll understand," Angeal said, with a smile.
"Thank you for the honesty." The words had set a dull ache in Cloud's chest, but it was better this way than for Angeal to have just pretended everything was alright.
"Thank you for understanding."
Maybe it would be better if they and Angeal spent some time apart now, a couple days maybe. It would help Cloud clear their head. However, Cloud needed something to soothe them right now, some immediate reassurance. "Can I kiss you?"
"Of course."
Angeal's hands were so gentle as they cupped Cloud's face, his lips so slow in their motion, as if he worried he would hurt Cloud otherwise. It made Cloud think of some kind of parting kiss, and they forced that image out of their mind. It wasn't a break up kiss. They were going to figure things out, and they were going to make them work.
***
Cloud didn't really have a lot of friends. They had never been very social and that hadn't changed since becoming SOLDIER. The list of people they wanted to come out to was very short.
They ended up deciding to go tell Tifa first. She'd been around their whole life, after all, even if they hadn't always been close. Ironical that the two of them had only truly become good friends after Tifa had decided to move to Midgar as well, looking for other opportunities than what Nibelheim offered.
She had managed to settle well. Not topside, because a house topside would have cost her more money than what the whole population of Nibelheim collectively made in a year, but as far as the Sector 7 slums went she had a good place. Her bar was kept better than most establishments outside of Wall Market, with a steady stream of customers. Every time Cloud went down at Seventh Heaven they marveled at how well Tifa had made it, when only two years before she'd been a country girl with a handful of gils and nothing to her name.
"Cloud! What brings you down here?" Tifa greeted, seeing them walk in. The bar was still empty, too early for people to come drinking.
"I wanted to chat."
"Come sit, then. Don't worry, Barret isn't around, no Shinra is the root of all evils lecture for you today."
"Lucky me," Cloud said, taking a seat. It wasn't that SOLDIERs were popular in the slums in general, but Barret was on another level.
Tifa held up a rag. "Do you mind if I work a little?"
"Nah," Cloud said.
She hummed, and grabbed a few clean glasses to dry. "So, how's life up there?"
"The usual. Train, get sent on a mission, kill a few monsters, train some more, get the higher ups screaming at you, rinse and repeat."
"Charming. And you still don't want to drop out."
"Nope. Are you ever going to stop trying to convince me I should quit Shinra?"
"Will you ever quit?"
Cloud shook their head. "You used to be more supportive once."
"I also knew a lot less about Shinra back then," Tifa replied. "Anyways. How is the boyfriend crew?"
"They're good." Well, mostly. They didn't feel like talking to Tifa about the issues, not when there were other things she'd have to know first to understand. Things Cloud hoped she would understand. "Look, I wanted to tell you something."
"Shoot."
Cloud took a deep breath. It was Tifa, they trusted her. She was a good girl. Nibel raised like them, and she had had troubles accepting Cloud's relationship choices in the past, but she had an open mind now.
"I'm nonbinary."
Tifa paused. "Non- You mean, not a man?"
"And not a woman either."
"Oh." Tifa put down the glass in her hands. "That's... surprising."
"Surprised me as well. I, well, I wanted to tell you. We're friends." That had sounded so awkward, even to their ears.
"Ah, thank you? I wasn't expecting it, but it's good to know," Tifa said. "I'm glad you figured yourself out."
Cloud nodded. "You're taking this better than when I told you I was gay."
Tifa sighed. "I had just come here from Nibel when you told me that. It's not really an excuse for having been rude back then, but I'm wiser now."
"You've had Barret give you social justice talks every day of your life for one year and a half, you mean."
She smiled. "Yeah, that too. I know I said some dumb things back then, I'm sorry."
"It's old history," Cloud said.
Tifa had been somewhat rude, but she hadn't been actively homophobic either, even if Cloud had seen it in her eyes that she had no idea how take things. Cloud didn't hold it against her, they knew they would have probably acted the same way in her position, if not worse. Besides, she'd grown, and had already apologized to Cloud multiple times when she had realized she'd done or said something indelicate.
It was still a relief to see her smiling at them after they'd told her about their gender.
"I suppose so. Anyways, what does this mean for you?"
Cloud shrugged. "Not much. I go by 'they', now, but just with people who know, so you can go on with 'he' if you have to talk about me. I, um." Their cheeks warmed, but they decided to just spit it out. Maybe they could just make it sound like it was no big deal. "I wear skirts, sometimes."
"Skirts? You?"
Now Cloud was properly red. "Is that a problem?"
"No, no," Tifa said, holding her hands up. "It's just that you've always been a bit the though guy type, I wouldn't have thought."
"They're comfortable," Cloud muttered. They weren't some tough guy. They just happened to be SOLDIER, and people tended to equate the two things.
"Alright, but now I want to see you in one."
"I am not walking out of Shinra Tower and down here in a dress."
"What if you bring it in a bag and change here?"
"We'll.. see."
There was a big difference in letting Tifa know they wore dresses sometimes, and her actually seeing them do it. Even if she didn't seem angry or bothered by it, even if she wouldn't mock them...
Cloud still had a bit of work to do on themselves, on keeping their own shame in check. Tifa would have to wait.
An awkward silence fell on them for a few minutes. Cloud wasn't sure what to talk about now. They'd said their piece, they hadn't planned further than that.
"Hey, um," Tifa started.
"What?"
"Since we're already talking about ourselves, coming out to each other, I like girls."
Cloud blinked. What. "You like girls."
"Yes, it took me a while to figure that out. Guess getting rid of certain ideas is harder when it's about yourself," she said, and didn't Cloud relate to that. "But I've thought about it, and I would say I'm not straight."
"Can I offer you a drink at your own bar?" Cloud asked.
Tifa laughed. "Only if you pay for it."
Halfway through whatever Tifa had poured them, something that tasted nice but Cloud would not be able to name, Cloud had to laugh.
"What is it?"
"The only person of Nibelheim I'm still in contact with, and it turns out you're the only other queer kid in that town," Cloud said.
Tifa smiled into her drink. "It is a little funny, yes."
***
Predictably, Aerith was at her church when Cloud went looking for her. It was good that she was there and not at home, because Cloud had the vague impression Aerith's mom hated them for some reason, and this wasn't a conversation they wanted to have with Elmyra around.
"Cloud! You didn't tell me you were coming," Aerith said, when she noticed them. She patted down a spot next to her on the bench she was sitting on, and Cloud joined her.
"Surprise?"
Aerith beamed. "What is it, then?"
Cloud blinked. "Sorry?"
"You have that face you always wear when you have something serious to talk about."
Cloud really hadn't thought they were being that obvious, but Aerith also had a near supernatural ability when it came to reading people. It was a little creepy, to be honest. "You're right about that."
"Nothing bad, I hope."
"No, everything's fine." Cloud nodded, mostly at themselves. "I'm nonbinary."
"Oh! Really?"
"Yeah."
Aerith smiled. "That's a nice thing, thank you for telling me! It fits you."
"Uh, what fits me?"
"Being nonbinary. I think it sounds good for you."
Right. Cloud was not going to question that. They didn't know if this was just Aerith being weird or if she was somehow reading into their soul, and they didn't want to find out. "I should thank you, actually."
"What for?"
"Forcing me to buy a dress that one time." They would have probably taken more to figure themselves out hadn't they had it.
She giggled. "I told you you wouldn't regret it."
"Yeah, you're right, as always."
"Of course I am," Aerith said. "Oh, but now we just have to go shopping together. If you like dresses you should get more."
Cloud pulled a face. "What's with everyone insisting I need to go shopping? It's not like I'd be wearing those clothes in public."
"But you will wear them at home, and it will make you happy, and that's what matters. We can go together and say it's for me if you're embarrassed, I'll be your cover."
"We're not exactly the same size, Aerith," Cloud said. They were in no way a large person, but Aerith would probably end up swimming in anything that fit Cloud.
"True," Aerith said. "But still, you could at least take your dear friend shopping topside every once in a while."
"So that's what you were after."
"Guilty."
Cloud shook their head. "Ask Zack."
"How is he, by the way? And did you tell all the others?" Aerith asked.
"Zack's fine. He has a mission tomorrow morning and he's been whining about having to get up at four for two days now."
"Such cruelty."
"And yeah, I told the others."
"How did they take it?"
Cloud shrugged. "Well."
"I'm not asking you if they were supportive, I'm asking if everything's ok."
Cloud sighed. They didn't want to talk about it, not really, but talking to Aerith was easy. Even coming out to her had been easier. Maybe because Cloud had already done it multiple times by then, but also because she was Aerith. She always seemed to how to make people feel better.
"Me and Angeal had a little bit of an issue," they said, slowly pushing the words out. "He said he still loves me, but he's also not- He's confused. He's never been into anyone nonbinary before."
"I'm sorry."
Cloud shrugged. "It's fine."
"Is it?"
"Well, it could have been worse."
Aerith huffed. "Cloud. You're allowed to be upset about that, you know?"
Cloud nodded. Their other boyfriends had offered any support they needed, both for them and for Angeal, but Cloud didn't want to unload on them. It didn't seem fair to go whine to them that Cloud worried Angeal did love them less, no matter how much Angeal had reassured them.
"You know what," Aerith said, "I think if you are worried because of Angeal, the best thing to do is to try and take your mind off of it for a while."
"And you have suggestions?"
"You can come with me and sell flowers. The fresh air will be good for you."
Cloud snorted. "Fresh air doesn't exist in this city, Aerith."
"Oh, sorry, country... What's the neutral for country boy?"
"Hick?"
"That's mean. I'll have to figure it out. Anyways, you coming or not?"
Cloud sighed, and stood up. "Sure. A bodyguard for the lady, coming right up."
***
Two weeks after Cloud had sent a letter to Nibelheim, they received on back.
They would have told their mother in person, but they couldn't just go to Nibel for that. They'd have to take leave, and the higher ups were stingy with it. Claudia was saving to get a PHS, but she still didn't have one, and so letters were the best way they had to communicate.
In a way, it was easier that way. While it would have been right to tell her face to face, or voice to voice at least, writing a letter was less anxiety inducing than speaking. They had spent literally hours on it, scrapping and rewriting parts, trying to put down all that they needed to explain to her.
They opened her reply with stiff fingers and a racing heart. Their mother was a good woman, really, but she had been born and raised in Nibelheim, surrounded by old prejudices. It had already been difficult for her to come to terms with Cloud's relationship. They had had to write down half a page to even explain her what nonbinary was, because without doubt Claudia wouldn't have even heard of it.
What if she could not accept it? Old ideas were hard to kill. She had wrapped her mind around her son being gay, but it was a different matter to be told said son was not a son after all. Cloud couldn't not have told her, but they feared whatever would be in that letter.
Cloud,
You've told me some pretty weird things in your last letter. The idea of people being anything but a man or a woman is honestly somewhat baffling. I've read what you wrote many times, and I still don't think I understand. Is it a common thing in Midgar? That city seems stranger with everything you tell me of it.
That being said, if this makes you happy, then I'll try to accept it. It's not the first time you've done something I couldn't understand. It will take me some time to wrap my mind around it, and I won't say I'm not a little upset, because that would be a lie. But I love you, my little Stormcloud, and I'll make an effort. Maybe next time we'll be face to face I will have learnt how to see you in the same way you see yourself.
There was a newspaper article on SOLDIER the other day, and it also mentioned you. I've cut it out and saved it. I'm proud of you, and that won't stop regardless of who you are or what you call yourself.
Take care of yourself, I always worry you might get hurt. Eat well.
Love,
Mom
P.S. please say hi to Tifa and to your men for me!
The only off duty boyfriend Cloud had at the moment was Sephiroth, and Cloud rushed to find him.
"Cloud, wha-"
Cloud didn't let him finish, wrapping their arms around him. "My mom's ok with it," they said, voice shaking. "She said she doesn't get it, but she's ok with it, and she's not angry."
"Your mother is a wise woman," Sephiroth replied, after a moment of silence, maybe to figure out what was Cloud talking about.
He was still in his uniform, and the leather straps were digging uncomfortably into Cloud's face, but they didn't care. Relief had crashed into them stronger than a train, and Cloud didn't know what to do with it other than to hang onto Sephiroth as if their life depended on it.
Their mom accepted them. Despite her confusion, she accepted it. She was making that effort, for them. Cloud hadn't realized themselves how important that had been for them until that moment.
"Cloud," Sephiroth said, gently caressing their hair. "I understand that you are emotional now, but maybe we should move inside."
Right. They were still standing in the doorway of Sephiroth's flat, where Cloud had basically jumped their boyfriend. They let themselves get steered inside, but didn't let go of Sephiroth.
Whatever troubles they had seemed stupid in that moment. Their mother accepted them, and so did their friends. Their boyfriends loved them, even if with some bumps in the road, but those problems were suddenly a lot smaller right then. Cloud let Sephiroth maneuver them on the couch, and couldn't stop smiling the whole time.
Chapter 5
Notes:
I spent so much making sure this chapter had a good balance of boyfriends screen time lol
Chapter Text
"You really are terrible at this," Genesis said, inspecting Cloud's hand.
"Why don't you give me your hands and I can practice?"
"Why mine? Sephiroth is right there."
"What do I have to do with this?" Sephiroth asked, flipping a page of his book. "Have them paint your nails."
"I can't believe I have to carry this relationship by myself," Genesis said, tilting his head. The small brush was surprisingly cold on Cloud's nail. Cloud had to admit the two nails they had done themselves looked much worse than Genesis's work. Then again, surely painting one's own nails had to be harder than doing someone else's.
Genesis blew on their fingers. "You could try black, Sephiroth. It would be in theme with your whole aesthetic."
"I'll pass."
"Entertain me, for once. Other hand," Genesis said. "And try not to touch anything until it's dry."
"How will I know when it's dry?"
"You'll know."
Cloud wasn't sure what was that supposed to mean. They'd never painted their nails in their whole life. Yet another one of those things that used to be too girly for them.
Not that they saw the appeal yet. The polish would get ruined in no time with the training, they were sure of that.
The only reason they were doing this was that they'd lost a bet to a fellow Second Class, and now they had to paint their nails – pink, specifically. A bit of a weird thing to do for a bet, but they were suspicious of why. Dana was one of the few, rare female SOLDIERs, and had received more than a few rude comments in her career. Cloud had never said anything to her, but they felt she saw this kind of dares as a way to get revenge on her (presumed) male colleagues.
Well, who knew. Maybe it would turn out Cloud would like the look of glittery pink nails. And doing it for a dare was... surprisingly easy, compared to other feminine things they'd done in the past. Maybe because they had a justification now, other than doing something because they wanted to.
They turned their fingers in front of their eyes. Genesis had been right on Cloud sucking at this. Out of the two nails they had done themselves, one had some unpainted space left on a side, and on the other they had overcompensated and ended up getting polish on their skin too.
"Anyone home?" came Angeal's voice from the entrance.
"Couch," Genesis shouted.
Angeal came into view. "What's going on?"
"I'm doing Cloud's nails, and Sephiroth is being contrary."
"You are still not touching mine."
"You wear gloves all the time, no one will even notice!"
"Then there is no point at all in doing it."
"So... what brought this on?" Angeal asked, ignoring the other two's bickering.
Cloud looked up at him. Gaia, they hated how awkward they had gotten around each other. It was possibly even worse than when they'd first started dating, because then Cloud wasn't thinking about how things had been just a little while ago.
Give it time, they reminded themselves.
"I lost a bet," they said.
"I see."
"Genesis said he wants to paint Sephiroth's nails black. Sephiroth doesn't agree."
Angeal chuckled. "I imagine."
"Yeah."
"I'll... go use the restroom one second," Angeal said.
"Sure."
As soon as Angeal had left, two pair of eyes fell over Cloud.
"That was painfully awkward," Genesis said.
Cloud shrugged. "It's what it is."
"Are you doing alright?"
And how was Cloud supposed to know that. "It's hard, but... I'm getting used to it."
The initial hurt had started to fade, at least. It wasn't as if everything was alright, but Cloud felt a little more grounded. The first times they'd seen Angeal being affectionate with one of the others they'd been jealous something fierce, but they were getting better now.
They still had stilted, awkward conversations, but at least Cloud wasn't constantly worrying about it.
"Good," Genesis said. "Now get here and give me your hands."
When Angeal came back, he huffed, throwing a disapproving glance to the open nail polish bottle on the couch, ready to fall over and spill. He didn't speak, however, only shook his head. It wasn't like anyone ever listened to him about not getting stains on the fabric. It was, at least, a familiar reaction, coming from him.
***
"Do we really have to?"
"I'm afraid so."
Cloud groaned, rolling in bed. "Parties are dumb."
The mattress dipped as Sephiroth got up. "Agreed, but we have to make an appearance at least."
"You have to make an appearance. I'm just a Second."
"Cloud."
They huffed. "Coming, coming."
It was good they had left pairs of their clothing around their various boyfriends' flats, because it meant they could just grab a clean uniform without having to go all the way to their own place.
They fished clothes out of Sephiroth's drawers and went to the bathroom, moving around him to clean up. Cloud would have loved to just climb in the shower next to Sephiroth, but they knew they wouldn't resist all of Sephiroth's beautiful, touchable skin. They were late already, and it was because Cloud had already jumped Sephiroth once. They couldn't waste more time for a quickie.
Not when it would already take Sephiroth ages to fix his hair.
Putting underwear on, Cloud noticed with some disappointment that their leg hair was growing again. They grimaced. It was only a bit of stubble still, that no one would notice unless they dragged their hands over it. It still annoyed Cloud.
They'd started to shave entirely a while before. The process took an eternity to get done, but it was worth the relief of getting rid of all the hair.
With a huff, Cloud grabbed their pants next. They didn't have time now. They didn't even have a razor here, and somehow they doubted Sephiroth had one they could borrow. That lucky bastard barely grew body hair in the first place. At home, after the party, Cloud would fix it.
Or the next morning. They were going to be exhausted after the party.
"How long do we have?" Sephiroth asked, blow drying his hair.
Cloud glanced at their PHS. "Twenty minutes. You may want to hurry that." If he could.
By the time Sephiroth was fully done with his hair, Cloud was already dressed and ready. On their own hair they had given up years ago.
Besides, it was just the Firsts who had to look all pretty so Shinra could parade them around at their events. Seconds and Thirds were only invited to make numbers, show how big and strong the army was.
"Genesis says he will be late," Cloud said, looking at their PHS.
"As usual," Sephiroth replied, arranging his straps around his chest.
Cloud texted idly while Sephiroth finished up. They were also likely going to be a little late, but it wasn't a problem. The less Cloud had to be at that party, the happier they were going to be.
"Cloud."
"Hm?" Cloud looked up from the PHS.
Sephiroth was putting makeup around his eyes. Nothing too strange about that. He didn't wear a lot of it, but he liked making his eyes look a little more defined. "Would you want some?" he said, holding up his eyeliner.
"Oh. I-" Honestly, Cloud wouldn't mind it, in general, but at a party? With everyone looking at them? All of Shinra, including maybe even the President?
"You don't have to," Sephiroth said.
Cloud looked down, and thought about it. Their stomach did a strange flip. "Do you have mascara?"
Sephiroth handed it to them, making space for Cloud in front of the mirror. If Cloud were to wear eyeliner, it would be easy to spot, but if they only put on some mascara... It would be something, but they doubted most people would notice it if their lashes looked a little bit fuller.
The thing was, Cloud was starting to get tired of being ashamed. They were not a confident person, and maybe they'd never be able to fully coming out, or wearing a dress in public. But there were still middle grounds between hiding completely and being out completely.
This could be a test run. It was nothing obvious. Most likely no one would notice they were wearing makeup at all. Cloud, however, would know that it was there. It wasn't out of their comfort zone, exactly, but it was not entirely inside it either.
For the entirety of the party, Cloud felt excited in the way children do when they've gotten away with stealing cookies from the jar. Every time someone so much as glanced their way, Cloud's heart would jump. Were they seeing it? Did they know? But if anyone noticed, they did not say.
***
Cloud wasn't sure how they had been wrangled into this, but their friends had definitely been conspiring against them. They didn't like shopping. They especially didn't like going around shops aimlessly, just looking at random things.
They had been rebuffing Aerith asking to go shopping with them since well before they'd come out to her, and usually managed to get Zack to go with her instead. But Aerith had told Cloud she wanted to go topside to buy a nice birthday gift for her mom, and Zack was away, and what kind of friend would Cloud be to tell her no? And Tifa had been saying she wanted to get some decorations for her bar, so why not have her tag along as well.
Cloud, however, had little clue of where the right shops would be, and had ended up asking Genesis, who had tagged along as well.
Cloud was glad Tifa was also there, because she seemed as out of place as Cloud felt. She wasn't used to being topside, and they weren't used to being in the middle of the shopping districts. They were both uncomfortable and out of place.
Not like Genesis and Aerith, who were hitting it off horribly well, and were now walking with their arms linked while Genesis told her about Loveless. Because of course Aerith was patient enough with people's weirdness to endure Genesis's Loveless lectures.
"Oh! This is pretty!" Aerith said, suddenly stopping in front of a window. "I mean, it's not really my style, but I like it. Bet it would look nice on Tifa."
Tifa peered at the dress in question. "Yeah, it's nice. But I have to say, it would show a lot of cleavage."
"That's true, but sometimes a girl has to show off her assets."
Cloud raised an eyebrow at that.
"You're... not wrong. But it's so expensive," Tifa said, eyebrows pinching when she took a look at the prices.
"You could still try it on! We have time, right?"
Aerith basically dragged them inside the shop, finding someone that worked there to ask if they had Tifa's size.
Genesis leaned in near Cloud, whispering, "tell me if you want me to get you something, alright?"
"You're not spending money on me again," Cloud replied.
"Oh, you can me back later."
"Are you my sugar daddy now?"
Genesis grinned. "I meant you can give me the money back, but sexual favors will not be refused."
They wandered around idly while Tifa went to change. Cloud had to admit some of the things did look nice, but they didn't go to check anything out. They were nervous, being in this store that didn't even have the men section. Logically, they knew no one would think twice about seeing them there, they had come in with two girls, after all, they could just act as if they were looking for things for their friends.
The possibility of having people staring at them still made their skin itch.
Turning around, they saw that they were not, in fact, being looked at. The girls at the register seemed much more interested in figuring out if the red haired man walking through their store was the Genesis Rhapsodos.
Cloud shook their head. Knowing Genesis, he had to be basking in the attention.
"Guys, come here!" Aerith called, from the changing rooms.
Tifa was turning in front of the mirror. The deep blue dress did look very good on her. It also, as anticipated, did show a lot of cleavage.
"I told you you would look great," Aerith said.
"You've got an eye for it," Tifa replied. She seemed uncertain. "It's good, but... I don't know, it's too fancy for me. I can't really wear it to work."
"You could wear it on dates," Aerith said.
"Ah, I guess? It's still expensive."
"If you want I can..." Cloud offered, knowing they were very likely more financially secure than Tifa.
Tifa shook her head. "Don't you dare spend money on me, Cloud."
"It's a Nibel thing, isn't it?" Genesis murmured.
Cloud elbowed him.
Tifa went back to change, and Genesis raised an eyebrow at Aerith. "Are we on a double date right now?"
Aerith sighed. "If I have my way."
Cloud blinked, taken aback. "Wait, what?"
Aerith shrugged. "Look, Tifa is such a sweetheart, and kind to everyone, and she's also so cool, running her bar all on her own. She's an amazing, strong, beautiful woman. And she does have great assets too. How's a girl to not get ideas?"
Alright, Cloud was so not ready to hear Aerith talk dreamily about Tifa's boobs. This was complete news to them, and they were going to have a chat with Aerith about this later. Not that Cloud wouldn't be happy if two of their friends started dating, but...
The conversation dropped when Tifa came out again, now back in her regular clothes.
They went through other shops, both to look for what the girls needed, and just to look at things. After finding what she wanted, Tifa decided to treat herself with the money she had left and get herself some shorts that were pretty inexpensive by topside standards, and on sale to boot.
As Tifa went to try them on, Cloud caved and walked up to Genesis. "The black shirt, the one with the loose sleeves."
"You want it?"
"You can tie me up tonight, if you want."
Genesis grinned. "How could I refuse such an offer?"
He was the one to pay, technically, but Cloud was the one to carry the bag in their hand out of the store.
Not that it was of particular notice, given Tifa and Aerith had been dumping all their bags on them anyways. Still. It was their bag. With their shirt. That they could pair up with their skirt instead of wearing a mismatched baggy hoodie.
They felt guilty about having had Genesis pay for them, but they also couldn't wait to get home and try it on.
Cloud had to struggle to pull out their PHS when it buzzed, trying to balance three different bags and a large box.
From: Zack
[link]
lol should i be jealous
"Hey, we've been spotted," Cloud said, showing the others. "The Red Leather."
Genesis whistled. "Already? They work fast."
Aerith snorted when she saw a picture of herself and Genesis walking together, chatting, that someone had uploaded with the caption 'new flame for Commander Rhapsodos?'. "I'm sorry, Genesis, but you're not my type."
"The fates are cruel," Genesis said, dramatically putting a hand on his chest.
"You're going to be the talk of the city now," Tifa said.
"Maybe it'll make my flowers sell for more."
***
"Are you sure you want to do this? Like, entirely sure?" Zack asked.
"It's on my leg now, not much I can do about it," Cloud replied.
"Yeah, you're right."
Cloud sat on Zack's bed, pants off, and a waxing strip stuck to their leg. Zack was looking at it with a certain apprehension, as if it might turn around and try to attach itself to him as well.
The truth was, neither of them had any idea of what they were doing. They both only ever shaved with razors, and in Zack's case only on his face.
But Cloud was finding getting everything off just with a razor took far too long, and allegedly waxing should be faster, and last longer. So they had heard, at least.
"Do you think it's time to take it off?" Cloud asked.
"Spike, I have no idea why you're asking me."
In hindsight, maybe asking Zack for help hadn't been the best idea. But Cloud felt nervous doing this on their own, and this would be very far from the worst thing Zack had seen them do. The only problem was that Zack, of course, didn't have any experience with this.
Still, who else would Cloud be supposed to ask? Go down plate just to see if Tifa or Aerith could tutor them? Sephiroth maybe, or Angeal, who barely even shaved his face? Genesis? Well, maybe Genesis did know what to do, but Cloud had already asked him all sorts of things. As much as their boyfriend was willing to help, Cloud was starting to feel bad relying on him for everything.
"Shall I do the honors, or should you?" Zack asked.
"I'll do it," Cloud said, gingerly grabbing a corner of the strip. Surely it couldn't be as painful as people said it would. They were SOLDIER, they could deal with a little pain.
They pulled.
"...Cloud? You alright there, buddy?"
"Why do you ask?" Cloud wheezed.
"Better or worse than someone shaving you with duct tape?"
"Why the fuck would I know how that feels?"
"Well, Kunsel is a bastard sometimes."
Cloud held out a new strip. "You want to try it yourself?"
"No, thanks."
The pain was starting to ebb a little, but Cloud still had most of the way to go. Maybe it was not too late to go back to the razor still. Gaia, how did people do this?
Zack patted their knee. "I love you even if you're hairy."
"I don't. I want it off."
"Alright. Dysphoria gotta suck if you are willing to do this."
"You have no idea," Cloud said. The fact weighing the pain against the dysphoria made the pain seem the lesser evil... Yeah, Cloud had no idea how they had lived so long without shaving. Why had they spent years feeling disgusted by their body hair and never done anything about it before?
It wasn't manly, yeah. Fuck being a man, honestly.
"Do you want me to it for you?" Zack asked, seeing that Cloud was warming a new strip between their hands, but not doing anything else with it.
"Just warn me before you pull."
***
Cloud slumped against the elevator wall. Even with SOLDIER endurance, they were exhausted, and not just physically. The mission they'd been deployed to... they hadn't had enough intel on that. Not by a long shot. A couple of Wutai rebels, nothing more, in theory, something that didn't even require a First. Instead they'd been stuck there a whole week rather than the expected four days, and two infantrymen had died.
They rubbed their face. They were tired, sore all over, with mud dried on their skin and hopefully only mud. The sword on their back weighed twice as much as usual. Lazard had been kind enough to allow them to get some rest after hearing them out, giving them a couple days to get their report done.
The elevator stopped. They weren't at Cloud's floor yet, just at the gyms.
Angeal walked in.
"Cloud," he said, surprised. "You're back."
"Yeah."
"I heard it was rough."
Cloud only nodded. They had stood up straight when the doors had opened, but it was just Angeal. They leaned back against the wall.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Angeal asked.
"No."
"Alright. Do you want some company?"
No. Cloud wanted to go hole up in their flat, lock themselves in, and do nothing but brood for the whole day.
"Yeah," they replied. It was better to have people around, no matter how much they didn't want to. It wasn't good to be alone when they were in this kind of mood.
Angeal followed them back to their place. They didn't speak, not until Cloud declared they were going to take a shower, and Angeal said he would wait for them.
The warm water on their skin made them sigh. They scratched off the grime from their skin, not looking down as the water turned grey at their feet. It wasn't red, at least, even if Cloud's knew their clothes had been full of dark stains.
They left the shower after what was probably a long time, but Cloud couldn't quite tell. They put on a pair of clean boxers, and went back to Angeal. It wasn't as if he had never seen Cloud mostly naked, after all.
Judging from the smell, Angeal had made some of that relaxing Nibel tea Cloud liked but rarely drank, because it was near impossible to find in Midgar.
"Thought you needed it," Angeal said, handing Cloud the cup.
"Thank you."
"Have you eaten today?"
"Rations."
"Real food, I mean."
Cloud shrugged. "Not really hungry."
Angeal sighed, but didn't press it. "Alright. Do you mind if I shower too?"
Cloud shook their head. "No problem."
Angeal squeezed their shoulder as they passed.
Cloud hadn't felt awkward around him just now, they realized. Maybe they were just too emotionally tired to feel much of anything. Angeal's presence had been... neutral. Not positive, but no one was a really positive presence after hard missions. Most people were actively irritating, when they were in this kind of mood. Cloud's boyfriends, on the other hand, they were neutral, in a way that gradually morphed into comforting as Cloud got better.
When Angeal came back, clean and with spare clothes he still had at Cloud's place, Cloud was halfway through their tea, and their thoughts had went back to the mission.
"You good?" Angeal asked.
"Sure."
"Cloud," Angeal said.
"I'm not dead."
"That's not much."
"More than some other people got."
Angeal sighed. His warm was a warm pressure between Cloud's shoulder blades. "I'm glad you're back safe. Don't beat yourself up."
"I was the commanding officer, technically."
"Were you there when it happened?"
Cloud shook their head. "We had split up."
"Then it wasn't your fault."
"I should have imagined it."
"Maybe, but even us Firsts can't account for everything, and we've been at this a lot longer than you have. Failed missions happen to the best of us. Even Sephiroth."
"When?" Cloud asked, trying to remember the last time Sephiroth had been less than completely successful.
"Wutai. He made his fair share of mistakes back then."
Cloud would have to take Angeal's word on that. They hadn't been around in Wutai, after all, and Shinra didn't put failed missions on propaganda posters.
"You know better now, you'll see things more clearly next time," Angeal said. His thumb rubbed up and down Cloud's spine.
"Won't bring people back."
"But it may save someone else. Now finish your tea, and then sleep. You look exhausted, Cloud. It's no use to think about it while you're like this."
Angeal was right, as always. Cloud made themselves drink what was still left of their tea, and then went to bed. Passing out didn't seem like a bad idea.
They were a little surprised when, after lying down, they felt the mattress dip.
"Do you mind?"
"...no."
Angeal laid down as well, spooning up behind Cloud. In the small bed, there was not really anything they could do other than pressing together, least one of them wanted to fall off. Cloud closed their eyes, feeling Angeal's warmth against their back. It only took them a minute to lose consciousness.
They woke up again to the sound of voices near them. They groaned, trying to remember where they were.
"Told you to be quieter," Angeal chided. His chest was still against Cloud's back. He must have fallen asleep too at some point, his voice sounded rough.
"Sorry, didn't mean to." Zack. He must have come off shift. "How are you doing?"
Cloud's reply was a drawn out groan as their brain struggled to come back into gear. They found it hard to think, with their mind numb from sleep. Bad thoughts still itched, but they couldn't quite come into focus again, not when Cloud hadn't quite woken up from their nap, and they were surrounded by Angeal's body heat.
"Alright, alright."
"How long did I sleep?" Cloud murmured, blinking their eyes open.
"About two hours," Angeal replied.
"Mm. You...?"
"I took a nap as well," Angeal said.
Cloud hummed.
"Well, it's dinner time. I'll go make something," Zack said. His hand came to ruffle Cloud's hair. "Nice to see you, Spike."
With a sigh, Cloud turned around, finding themselves face to face with Angeal. Face to neck, technically.
"Feeling better?" Angeal asked.
"A little. Thank you."
"That's good."
Angeal's presence was also good. Had this happened a few months ago, maybe they would have fucked until Cloud had stopped thinking entirely. But they had to admit, it was nice to do this too. Just cuddling together. It still worked to make them forget about the mission for a little while.
Cloud wasn't quite sure where they stood, yet, but this was not a bad basis for them and Angeal to go from.
"You make a good blanket," Cloud said.
"I'm glad."
"That's your relationship status, now. Blanket." Cloud's head was still fuzzy from sleep, not working enough for them to be anxious about making a joke like that.
Angeal snorted. "That's good to know. It's a first for me, gotta say."
"You've got a talent for it."
Angeal's fingers ran through Cloud's hair, pressing them a little closer. "Are we good?"
"Good enough."
"Just tell me if anything doesn't go well, alright?"
"Same to you," Cloud said.
They both flinched when they heard something clatter to the ground.
"Nothing's broken!" Zack shouted.
Angeal groaned. "Mind if I go make sure Zack doesn't destroy your flat?"
"Please."
Chapter 6
Notes:
Last chapter! Thank you very much to all who commented, bookmarked or left kudos!
As a small warning, there is a scene in this chapter featuring an injection - it's not explicit, if I do say so myself as someone who is terrified of needles, but if it's something that bothers you look out for the scene that starts with "[To: Genesis]"
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Cloud waited patiently while Zack place his order. That bottomless pit of their boyfriend was taking a lifetime as always. Had the cashier realized all the food he was ordering was for one person, no doubt he'd be concerned. Cloud knew first hand how fast SOLDIER metabolism was, but no adult man should be able to scarf down the amount of junk food Zack had on his tray.
"Hello, how may I help you?" the cashier asked, once Zack had gotten out of the way.
"One number 5, please."
He nodded, taking their order. "Just the burger or the menu?"
"Just the burger." They were going to steal Zack's fries, anyways. "And water, please."
"Alright, anything else?"
"No, thank you."
They handed him the card for the payment.
"Your order will be done in a minute," the cashier said, handing it back to them. "Please wait by the side, s... sir?"
His customer service smile faltered a moment.
And wasn't that little moment of confusion nice to see. It was cold outside, enough for Cloud to be wearing a hat and a large coat. As for their face, well. They were off duty. They weren't expecting to run into anyone they knew, and they'd been growing a little bolder. Their lips had the slightest glossy sheen, and their eyes had the thinnest of lines around them.
At some point leaving their house with a little make up had stopped being terrifying, and started being exciting instead.
They grinned a little. It wasn't as if this random fast food worker had any idea of who Cloud was, nor would they likely ever see each other again. "Not quite."
"Oh." The cashier's lips turned into a slightly more genuine smile. "Same."
Oh.
Well, one never knew when they were going to find a kindred spirit.
***
It was good to be doing group dates again. Those had been paused while Cloud and Angeal figured things out, but now they had gone back to it. Just hanging out together, with a movie on, occasionally joking about what was going on on screen.
Genesis snorted, eyes on his PHS.
"Something funny?" Zack asked.
"My fans are getting bold."
"Getting?" Angeal repeated. Everyone knew Genesis's fans were positively shameless.
"I just got invited to the opening night of a new gay club in Sector 8."
Cloud stopped paying attention to the movie on screen, and leaned in to see what was Genesis looking at on the PHS. "'One free drink for everyone'," they read, looking at the announcement. "'A drag show', sounds like a party."
"It does. I have to say, this is the first time they invite me to this kind of event."
"Weren't you thirst tweeting about Sephiroth the other day? Maybe they just picked up on a little gay vibe," Zack said.
Sephiroth made a face. "What was he writing about me?"
"A lot of very true things about how you look in uniform," Genesis replied.
"With a lot of opinions about what the leather does to your ass," Zack specified.
"So? I'm right," Genesis said.
Sometimes Cloud envied how free Genesis was with anything he said on the internet. Everyone how dramatic and outrageous Genesis was, making that kind of comments wasn't even particularly out of line for him. And given who he was, Shinra couldn't even complain if Genesis said inappropriate things.
Their relationship was kept under wraps, none of them wanted the public's attention or the shitstorm that would come if the higher ups caught wind of it. Only a few trusted people knew. Genesis was the only one of them who could away with making appreciative comments on his "coworkers" in public. People just thought it was another one of his eccentricities.
"So what, you're going?" Angeal asked.
Genesis sighed. "I don't know, sometimes I think I'm getting too old for going out partying all night."
"You're twenty-seven."
"Don't remind me. Next thing I know, I'll be getting grey hair."
"What a tragedy," Sephiroth said.
"Oh, hush you. But no, as flattering as it is, I don't think I'll go."
Zack chuckled. "The PR team would have your head if you got smashed at a gay bar."
"I doubt their alcohol is strong enough. But if anyone wants to go, I might come."
"Not my thing," Cloud said, immediately. Clubs were hell. They'd been dragged to one exactly once in their life, and they were not looking forward to a repeat. Too crowded, too loud, and the lights gave them a headache.
"You could go as feminine as you want and no one would say a thing," Genesis said.
"Still not my thing."
"Alright. Anyone else?"
"Don't look at me," Angeal said.
"Why not? Not honorable enough for you?"
Cloud snickered. Imagining Angeal in a club, gay or otherwise, was hilarious. They couldn't even picture Angeal trying to dance under strobe lights.
"I'm not going there just to have people hit on me."
"You could get drunk too," Cloud said.
Angeal just gave him a look. It was near impossible to get Angeal drunk, between his enhancements and the fact that he was simply huge.
Zack wrapped an arm around Angeal's shoulders. "You could go in drag."
Angeal gave him a flat look. "Sorry, Zack. I don't have the right wardrobe."
"Maybe Genesis can lend you one of his skirts."
"So I can walk there with my entire ass on display? Why don't you try, Zack?"
Zack shrugged. "You know I can't dance. And I'd have to do that tucking thing, and I am not going to."
"And what makes you think I would?"
"It's not that hard," Sephiroth said, casually.
Everyone turned to him. "And you know that because...?" Cloud said.
"I tried when you told me about it that time. It's uncomfortable at first, but it doesn't hurt," Sephiroth explained.
"Please tell me you did not try just because that idiot dared you to," Angeal said.
"No. Personal curiosity."
Genesis whistled. "I want to see that."
"I believe the point of it is precisely not seeing, Genesis."
"You're not wrong."
Cloud was... intrigued. They hadn't tried that still, the thought of it still made them a little queasy. That being said, if Sephiroth had done it, then maybe Cloud could ask for pointers. Just to try out. It could come in handy, as a skill.
***
"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Genesis asked.
Cloud's next mission was in three days, so no, not really. "I'm free. Why?"
"Should we do something special?"
Cloud suddenly tried to remember if it was someone's birthday or anniversary, but came up with nothing. They were not good with dates. "Am I going to get a Firaga if I ask you what is so special about tomorrow?"
"No, no. It's been one year since you came to me asking for gender help."
Cloud raised an eyebrow. "You kept track of that?"
"Love, I keep track of everything," Genesis purred. "So, do you want to celebrate?"
"No really."
They honestly didn't quite know what was there to celebrate. It would be like celebrating the anniversary of a coming out or something like that. Cloud didn't see the point. It wasn't exactly a big occasion, at least not in their mind.
"Sure? I bet Angeal could make you a trans themed cake."
"I'll pass."
"Shame."
That night, at midnight sharp, Cloud's attempt to falling asleep were interrupted by their PHS vibrating. They grabbed it, finding a new message on the relationship chat.
[From: Genesis]
happy gender day, Cloud <3
Cloud groaned in their pillow as the other three also chimed in. Supportive idiots.
***
The hood pushed deep on their face was painfully 'I don't want anyone to recognize me', but that was the point of it. Cloud did not want people to recognize them. They were counting on the extra large hoodie they had borrowed from Angeal to hide them. They had had to work themselves up for a week to even get inside the shop.
Cloud didn't want their boyfriends to keep buying stuff for them. It was about time for them to step up and start owning this gender thing. As much as they could, at least.
So what if they wanted to go into a makeup store and buy some eyeliner? They were a grown ass adult, they could do whatever they wanted with their looks. It wasn't as it was against Shinra restrictions for SOLDIERs to wear makeup. If Cloud decided to straight up start a makeup tutorials channel on Youtube in their free time, that was their own business.
That was what they kept repeating themselves as they browsed the store. They weren't doing anything wrong.
Admittedly, however, they were a little lost. There were more options laid in front of them than they knew what to do with. They weren't even sure what brand to look at. Did people really need so many different options for black eyeliner? What were the differences, even? Could they just buy the cheapest one and leave?
Maybe they should have come with someone who knew these things. At least to guide them a little. Or picked a smaller store.
"Sorry-" they said, when they accidentally bumped into someone.
"It- wait, Strife?"
Cloud's stomach did a flip. Not only had they actually ran across someone they knew, but there was exactly one person they could think of who dyed his hair that hideous shade of red.
"Didn't know Turks went shopping like normal people," Cloud said, putting on some fake confidence. They weren't a big fan of Turks, in general, but Reno had to be their least favorite. Cloud should have spotted him, it wasn't as if it was exactly hard to recognize Reno.
"Didn't know SOLDIERs did," Reno replied. "Or that you liked to paint your face."
Cloud swallowed. So what? It was just stupid fucking Reno, who couldn't even bother to button up a damn shirt. Besides, who was Reno to judge them? It wasn't as if he didn't wear makeup. Or decorate his face, in general.
"You're in the makeup shop too."
"Touché. But really, Strife, didn't know you had it in you. I thought you SOLDIERs were all too tough and manly for this. At least, you have that vibe."
What was with everyone thinking Cloud was some kind of macho? Had they been overcompensating that hard while in the throes of internalized transphobia?
"Well, surprise. You have a problem with it?"
Reno raised his hands, obnoxious grin still plastered on his face. "Chill out. We wouldn't want to start a fight right in the middle of the shop."
Cloud always wanted to start a fight when he had to listen to Reno, but they had learnt some self control after that time they had both gotten a disciplinary action and Cloud had limped home covered in electrical burns. "Right. Nice seeing you. Bye." He grabbed the first eyeliner he saw and left.
"That brand sucks, by the way," Reno said.
Later, Cloud regretted buying that exact brand just to spite Reno. The Turk, unfortunately, had been right about it. It sucked.
***
"Is there a nice, intimidating man around here with some free time?" Tifa asked.
Cloud and Zack exchanged a glance. They'd come down to the slums to say hi, and had stopped by Tifa's bar for a drink. Neither of them much felt like going with her on whatever job she surely had for them.
"Why do you ask?" Biggs asked, tossing a dart. "Bullseye!"
Wedge clapped. He and Biggs were... doing whatever it was they did all day. Cloud never quite figured it out. Tifa's friends were weird.
"I sold some water filters the other day, and people are refusing to pay again. I need a nice strong guy to come with me on an intimidation mission."
Oh, hell no.
"Sorry, I have to go feed the cats, they hate it if they don't get their food on time," Wedge said, immediately bailing out. Not that Cloud could see how Wedge could be intimidating in the first place.
"I have to help Wedge. Lots of cats, you know," Biggs said.
Tifa rolled her eyes, but turned towards Cloud and Zack. Who were off duty, and with all the time in the world. And both of them arguably good at intimidating others.
Cloud took a sip of their drink. Like hell they were being dragged all across Sector 7 on water filter business. "Sorry, can't do it."
"What's your excuse?" Tifa asked, crossing her arms.
"You asked for men. I'm not," Cloud said. "But Zack is."
Zack gaped at them. "You'd set your loving boyfriend up like this?"
"Though luck, buddy," Cloud said.
Zack groaned. "Alright, who do I need to scare?"
Biggs and Wedge were throwing strange glances at Cloud. "What?" they asked.
"Uh, nothing," Biggs said.
Right. They hadn't known. Cloud felt a little... exposed, but at the same time, it was just Biggs and Wedge. Those two were so non-threatening that they couldn't even set off Cloud's anxiety. Even if they decided to judge them – which, they probably wouldn't, they were of Barret's friend group, Cloud was sure they got trans rights talks on the regular – honestly, what kind of relevance did their opinions have?
If only they could manage to not care about what anyone at all thought.
***
[To: Genesis]
hey can i ask you a weird thing?
[From: Genesis]
of course
[To: Genesis]
how do you take your T?
i know you do shots but like how
[From: Genesis]
i can show you next time i get one if you want
That was how Cloud found themselves sitting in Genesis's kitchen, watching Genesis get the shot ready.
"It's an intramuscular shot, so the thigh is an easy place to do it," Genesis explained. He sat in his underwear, carefully loading the syringe. "I've gotten used to doing it myself, but at first it's a doctor that takes care of it. Angeal used to help me, before I got the hang of it myself."
"You know, I don't think I've ever seen you taking your shot before," Cloud said.
"I don't really like to do it in front of others," Genesis said.
Cloud had to admit Genesis did seem strangely vulnerable this way, half naked and about to inject himself. It was a strangely subdued look on him. Did it bother Genesis to show someone how he got his hormones? It was rare for Genesis to show less than complete confidence in himself and what he was doing, but Cloud knew him well enough by now to know he was still just human.
"You didn't have to," Cloud said.
Genesis shook his head. "You wanted to know."
"You could have just told me. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable if it's... Not a thing you want to show."
Genesis smiled. "It's fine."
"You know I already think you're a great boyfriend, right?"
"Don't fluster me now, love, I'm doing a delicate work," Genesis said, making sure there wasn't any air in the syringe. As if there was a compliment that could ever fluster Genesis. "I just know I would have liked someone to show me how things worked back when I was figuring it out."
Cloud nodded. They couldn't really imagine dealing with all this trans thing on their own. Genesis had had Angeal to support him, and maybe others too, but not people who really got how it felt. Cloud didn't know had Genesis done on his own, but they knew they likely wouldn't have been able to.
They had to get Genesis cake or something one of these days, for all the help he had been to them.
"Does it hurt?" they asked, as Genesis placed the needle.
"Not really. A little prick, at most."
"Is it hard to do it on your own?"
"Well, I'd say if you were scared of needles, yes. But it's easy to do it once you figure out how to."
Cloud couldn't say they were scared, exactly, but injections did give them a little apprehension. They'd been given far too many during their enhancements, and very few of them had been pleasant.
They watched Genesis give himself the shot. It was, for some reason, a strangely underwhelming process.
Cloud swallowed. "And you have to get it prescribed."
"Yes."
"Do you have to like, talk a lot to a therapist about it, or?"
"Somewhat. Are you asking for my doctor's number?"
"I..." Cloud hesitated. "I'm not really sure yet I want to get on hormones, but I'd give it a try. I mean, I can just drop them if don't like it, right?"
"Some changes may be permanent."
"But most aren't. I know, I did research."
Genesis took his PHS, and a moment after Cloud's own buzzed with a new message. "I shared the contact."
"Thank you," Cloud said, and leaned in to give a kiss on Genesis's cheek.
Cloud didn't call the therapist, not yet. They still weren't entirely sure that they wanted an appointment, or E. They knew one could fix the dosage to make the changes appear slower, but they were not too sure still. Especially about how to break the news if and when the changes were too obvious to hide.
But that was also a therapist's job, right? Help them figure out if it was the thing for them, help them deal with going public? Or so they thought. Cloud had never been to therapy, let alone gender therapy.
Anyways, they had that number now. If they did decide to get the appointment, they could. It was a possibility.
And really, they thought they'd look good if they were a bit more feminine.
***
"...that would be all, sir," Cloud said. They stood next to Sephiroth in Lazard's office, giving their reports on the mission they had been assigned together. A very successful mission, too. Not that it was really surprising, given Sephiroth had been there, but Cloud still felt quite proud.
"I see. Well done, I expect written reports by Friday."
Both SOLDIERs nodded.
"Ah, Strife, before you go, there's something I wanted to discuss with you."
"Sir?"
Lazard sat back in his chair. "You know that promotions to First Class have become an exceptional thing, since the war ended."
"Yes, sir."
All current First Classes had been given that position because of outstanding actions during the Wutai war, and back then Cloud hadn't even been a SOLDIER. Officially, anyone could still get promoted. In practice, it was a lot harder to prove one was on the same level as war heroes when their job boiled down to exterminating monsters and occasionally dealing with a small rebel group.
"You've worked hard, and your commanding officers have spoken wonders about you. I am starting to consider promoting you."
Cloud struggled very hard to keep themselves from making a very undignified face.
Lazard continued. "I still intend you to give some assignments for you to prove yourself. I will be honest with you, the main obstacle between you and your promotion has always been a concern with your ability of commanding others. Your attitude seems to have improved, however, so I'm willing to give you a shot."
Cloud's knees felt weak. "Thank you, sir!"
"Don't thank me yet, I still want to see just what you're capable of. Besides, the General himself recommended you for promotion, and it's not everyday that happens."
Cloud turned to Sephiroth. "You did?"
"I thought it was about time," Sephiroth said, and Cloud knew if Sephiroth had been recommending them it wasn't a matter of favoritism. All of their boyfriends made sure not show Cloud any in their professional relationship, but Sephiroth in particular was the General first and foremost, when they were at work. He would have never suggested this hadn't he been fully sure Cloud deserved it.
"I'll let you know about new assignments soon," Lazard said. "For now, you're both dismissed. Go get some sleep."
As soon as they were out of Lazard's office, Cloud basically jumped Sephiroth, smashing their mouths together with force.
"Thank you," Cloud said, feeling breathless.
Sephiroth smiled, hands on Cloud's hips. "Don't just thank me. The others have also suggested me to bring it up with Lazard."
"They have?"
"Mm. Your fighting skills have been on the right level for quite some time now. As far as I understand it, Lazard was concerned you did not have enough charisma for a leadership position. I can't say I shared that opinion entirely, you have plenty of charisma for me."
"Flatterer."
"Maybe." Sephiroth kissed them. "You know I'm not always the best judge of character, but I think you've gotten more confident of late. The others also agree with me."
Cloud knew very well that had always been the problem. When they had joined Shinra they had failed the SOLDIER entrance test twice because they hadn't passed the psychological evaluation. Too insecure, too anxious, things a SOLDIER should not be.
A First Class, especially, had to be able to resisting a lot of psychological pressure. Not just theirs, but their subordinates' too.
Cloud also knew they did not have the same ability of inspiring others in the way their boyfriends did. Sephiroth was the great General Sephiroth, Genesis had enough charisma for the whole army, Angeal was widely admired for his steadfast sense of honor, and Zack was simply loved by everyone who knew him. Cloud was not like that. They had grown up the antisocial, weird kid of a small town, they argued and sassed everyone to hide their insecurities, not exactly commanding officer material.
But... yeah, maybe they were becoming better, as of late.
Later that night, they laid in the middle of the pile of bodies on Genesis's bed, not quite asleep yet, despite the celebratory sex having been taxing even for SOLDIER stamina. Their boyfriends had decided to show very thoroughly how happy they were for Cloud. Well, Angeal had been a bit to the side, but that was alright, they were still working their way up to it. Cloud was going to sleep for a day after this, or at least they would, if they managed to keep their racing mind still.
Cloud had to admit they also could see what Sephiroth had meant. They hadn't quite noticed it themselves at first, the change probably too gradual, but if they thought of themselves now and one year before... Yes, they were definitely more confident. First Class confident? Maybe not quite, but they were also getting over their shy, nervous old attitude.
Thinking of how, they had to think maybe discovering their gender had had a little to do with it too. They knew themselves better, and they'd been working through anxieties and insecurities they didn't even know they had. They wore some discreet makeup in public and did their own shopping and sometimes even opened up about their gender with others. Stepping out of their comfort zone for that maybe had also helped them grow in other ways.
Angeal shifted in his sleep, his legs tangling further with Cloud's. Cloud wasn't going to be a war hero, nor could they hold any record for the career progression. Except maybe being the first First Class to have failed the initial entry exam. Honestly, people would probably think of them as always being on a lower level than all their beloved Wutai heroes, one of which was currently snoring so loud on the other side of the bed that Cloud had to wonder how hadn't Zack been killed in his sleep back in the war.
But well. First nonbinary First Class could be a good record, too.
Notes:
Thank you again for reading!
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