A Tough Nut To Crack

by poppyseed_cafe

Summary:

“You know, I’ve been wondering,” Felix says. “Why did someone like you come to the officers academy anyway?"

“It – It’s not like I had a choice!”

“Is that so? I guess it’s none of my business.”

 

A slow burn fic where Bernie deserves to be loved by everyone and maybe accidentally ends up connecting with the school's other loner.

Notes:

Hello! This is my first fic ever, so I hope it's all right.

They say to be the change you want to see in the world, and I wanted more Felix/Bernie and I also love me a good long slow burn, sooooo...

Also, as it's a huge part of Bernie's motivations, there will be some mention of her abuse, but I don't intend to get graphic about it. I'll do my best to post warnings on those chapters.

Chapter 1

Bernadetta looks around herself surreptitiously and slips onto the bench at the empty dining hall table. It’s too early to let down her guard, but she lets out a small sigh of relief because surprisingly, today was actually going… okay.

 

It had been two weeks since she’d been suddenly whisked to the academy in the middle of the night, unceremoniously dumped into a new life she hadn’t signed up for. Those two weeks had felt like years, and she’d spent nearly the entire time shivering in her room, waiting for someone to come and get angry at her for something she’d invariably screwed up, or even worse, her father to show up and drag her home.

 

Today is actually the first day she’s dared to go to classes. It’s not like she had any interest in battle or training, but Professor Hanneman had been coming by her room every day asking why she wasn’t coming to class. He’d started to sound more annoyed lately, and the fear of being sent home for not attending classes had won out over the fear of actually going to class.

 

Bernadetta looks up from her plate of food and realizes that while she was zoning out, another student had sat down at the far end of her blissfully empty table.

 

Bernie freezes, staring at the stranger. He has dark hair pulled back into a messy bun, and severe looking eyes. Very scary, on the whole.

 

Oh no… what does he want from me? Is this his table? Maybe there are more of his friends coming, and they’ll get mad at me for sitting here! I should have just skipped lunch like I thought…

 

Bernadetta's eyes dart around nervously, watching for any movements from the stranger, and also checking for the nearest exit from the dining hall. But despite her panic, the stranger still hasn’t so much as looked up at her or said anything at all.

 

The next few minutes pass in a tense silence for Bernadetta. She’s too nervous to eat, so she just keeps her head down to make sure she won’t make eye contact if the other student looks up. Eventually he finishes eating and stands up, still saying nothing and not looking her way.

 

Once he fully exits the dining hall, Bernadetta finally lets out the breath she had been holding, sagging in relief like a deflating balloon.

 

That was close… But we made it! Bernie’s gonna get through this day!

 

---

 

Bernadetta makes sure to sneak into the classroom early before anyone gets there and grabs a seat in the back row. She completes her attempt at camouflage by opening a large book in front of her face, hoping that when her classmates return from lunch they wouldn’t even notice her or try to start a conversation.

 

Unfortunately, fate had other plans for her.

 

She is staring intensely at the words on the page without reading them when someone slides into the seat next to her.

 

“So, Felix, huh?” Dorothea said.

 

“WAAughhh!” Bernadetta squeals. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but I didn’t do anything!” She squeezes her eyes shut and hides beneath her book.

 

Dorothea gently guides the book down away from Bernadetta’s face. “Whoa, Bernie. It’s me, Dorothea, your neighbour? I thought we were past the screaming when I talk to you stuff.”

 

Bernie sneaks a peek through her eyelashes. Dorothea’s room was right next to hers in the dorms, and so far she did seem pretty nice… She’d been making an effort to talk to Bernadetta every day and somehow didn’t seem irritated with her yet.

 

“Oh, s-sorry Dorothea,” she says, hands still tightly gripping her textbook. “What were you saying?”

 

“At lunch, the boy you were sitting with. Felix? I’m honestly surprised you went to the dining hall on top of coming to class, and you sat with a boy? Are you guys friends?” Dorothea asks.

 

“What?! No!! I don’t – he isn’t – I-I sat there first and then he just sat there after!” Bernadetta babbles. “Actually he was really scary, it was horrible.” She shudders at the memory.

 

Dorothea looks thoughtful. “Hmm, scary? I’m not totally sure about that, but from the times I’ve talked to him so far, he does seem like a tough nut to crack.” She refocuses her attention on Bernadetta. “Anyway Bernie, I just wanted to say that I’m really proud of you for coming out of your room like this today.” She smiles.

 

Despite herself, Bernadetta feels a warm glow in her chest.

 

Proud…?

---

 

Bernadetta made a deal with herself: she had to go to class at least half the time. They probably wouldn’t kick her out if she went at least that much, right? Plus it meant that Professor Hanneman didn’t usually bother her about not coming, which was nice.

 

But even with Hanneman pacified there was still someone besides Dorothea knocking on her door, nearly every day. Professor Byleth.

 

At first, she was scared of him. But he seemed content to just talk through the door, and didn’t scold Bernadetta or ask her to do anything. He just asked how she was, or made some small talk. Sometimes he even left nice things for her, like sweets or flowers from the greenhouse!

 

After a few weeks of this, the professor still hadn’t asked her to come out, or train, or anything. It didn’t seem like a trap. Bernadetta actually started to look forward to his visits.

 

Upon hearing Dorothea coming back to her room one afternoon, Bernie pokes her head out the door.

 

“Hey… Dorothea?”

 

“Oh! Hey Bernie! It’s unusual to see you come out to greet me.” She looks pleased, though.

 

“Um.. well, I just wanted to tell you that I think I’m going to transfer to Professor Byleth’s class, the Blue Lions. If – if I’m allowed to, anyway!” Bernie starts out trying to be calm but her last sentence ends up coming out as a shrill plea anyway.

 

Dorothea arches her eyebrows. “Wow Bernie, I have to say I’m surprised, but it seems you really like the new professor! I hope it goes well for you.” She smiles again, the warm smile that won Bernie over in the first place.

 

A beat passes and Bernadetta inches a little farther out from the doorway, looking at her feet. “Um, Dorothea? …Will you still talk to me even if we’re not in the same class?” she blurts.

 

Dorothea’s expression changes to shock, and then a combination of touched and exasperated. “Bernie, of course I’ll still talk to you! We’re friends, right?”

 

Bernadetta raises her eyes from the ground, feeling hopeful. “We – we are?!”

 

---

 

Bernadetta stands in front of the Blue Lions classroom, hands gripping the hem of her jacket.

 

“Would you like me to introduce you, or would you prefer to introduce yourself?” Professor Blyeth asks her.

 

“Um… I was kinda hoping I wouldn’t have to be introduced at all. Like maybe no one would even notice that I’m here.”

 

Byleth turns toward her. “They will definitely notice you. I’m sure they’ll have lots of questions for you if you just show up without saying anything.”

 

Bernie subconsciously starts twisting the fabric of her uniform. “Oh no… couldn’t I just hide at the back or something? Oh! I know! I could make a fort out of books and desks or something so that no one could see me!”

 

There’s a pause while the professor tries to figure out how to respond.

 

“That… will be even more obvious, and draw even more attention.” Byleth looks concerned, although Bernadetta isn’t sure if it was because of how nervous she was, or because of how she thought that plan might actually work.

 

Bernie groans, her posture sagging. “Oh… all right, if I have to go through this I guess you can introduce me.”

 

Byleth gives her a small smile, and places a gentle hand on her back as he leads her into her new classroom.

Notes:

Bernie is my kindred spirit and I love her uwu

Thanks for reading! xo

Chapter 2

Summary:

In which Bernadetta makes new friends.

Bernadetta feels as though she’s about two seconds away from either passing out or running screaming from the room, and the only thing stopping her from doing either is the presence of the professor beside her.

 

Prince Dimitri (the only person in the class she recognizes) stands up immediately following Byleth’s announcement that Bernadetta would be joining the Blue Lions.

 

“I think I speak for all of us when I say we are excited to have you with us, Bernadetta! Welcome to the Blue Lions!”

 

“Hear, hear!” cries the orange-haired girl sitting behind him.

 

“Welcome!”

 

“Hey, she’s pretty cute-”

 

“Sylvain, don’t scare her away, she just got here.”

 

As the excited chatter of the students dies down, Bernadetta gives a quick bow, keeping her eyes on the floor. 

 

“N-nice to meet all of you!” she says, before scuttling to a seat in the very back row. There is an entire row of desks between her and the rest of the class, which is just perfect in Bernie’s opinion.

 

The room falls silent, so she looks up to see what's gotten the class's attention. Turns out, it's her.

 

A blonde girl with a kind voice and kinder eyes says, "What are you doing sitting so far away, silly? Come sit up here with us."

 

"N-no, I'm, that's okay! I like it back here!" Bernadetta says. She's made her choice, and with all eyes on her she's not going back on it now.

 

The other girl looks like she's going to say something else but is interrupted by the professor who clears his throat and begins the lesson.

 

---

 

When class is done for the day, Bernie runs out of the room before anyone can talk to her. Finally, she can return to the sanctuary of her room and recover from the day.

 

She's just deciding which of her hobbies to sink into when she runs straight into Ferdinand. She knows him from the Black Eagles class; the way he speaks, it's very hard not to know who he is.

 

"Ah! Bernadetta. I was just coming to find you-"

 

"Ahh! I'm so sorry! Wait - you were coming to find me? Oh no, you've really done it this time Bernie.. If this is the end for me, please, make it quick!" Bernie squeezes her eyes shut and raises her arms in front of her face in defence.

 

Ferdinand looks confused. "I'm sorry? I'm not sure what the matter is, but please, calm yourself. I am not here to hurt you."

 

Bernadetta lowers her arms slightly. "You're not? Th-then, what would you want to talk to me for?"

 

"Well, I noticed that you transferred classes today, and I wanted to ask if there was anything about the Black Eagles class that was not to your liking. After all, as your classmate I feel at least partially responsible for making your experience unsatisfactory."

 

"Huh?" Bernadetta is taken aback by this. She's surprised anyone even noticed that she left, and also that Ferdinand seems to be upset about it. "N-no, it's nothing you did, I - I just really like the professor!"

 

The other Blue Lions students have started to exit the classroom behind her, and Bernie is anxious to make her escape. "Anyway, I really gotta go, bye!"

 

She scampers off, leaving Ferdinand scratching his head.

 

---

 

The next morning, Bernadetta is trying to decide if she should sit closer to her classmates today. The girls seemed really friendly, and Bernie would really love to make some friends…

 

“Oh Carrie, what do you think?” Bernadetta asks her carnivorous plant, whom she had affectionately named Carrie. “Do you think it’ll be too weird after I was so awkward yesterday? Oh, Bernie, why are you like this…”

 

But as it turns out, her decision was made for her; when Bernadetta opens her door, two girls from her new class are waiting just outside her room, smiling brightly.

 

“Good morning! It’s Bernadetta, right? I’m Mercedes and this is Annette,” the kind blonde girl from yesterday says, gesturing to the orange-haired girl standing beside her. “We’re so excited to have you in our class now, and thought it might be nice to get to know each other better over breakfast.”

 

The girl named Annette gestures enthusiastically, bunching her hands into fists. “Yeah! Who knew I was rooming right next door to a future friend and classmate! Won’t you come with us to the dining hall?”

 

Future friend? Bernadetta smiles a little despite herself. “Um.. okay!”

 

Once in the dining hall, Mercedes sits opposite Bernadetta while Annette takes the seat to Bernie’s left.

 

Okay Bernie, don’t screw this up!

 

“So, Bernadetta,” Annette starts.

 

“Um – yes!”

 

“I just wanted to ask you what weapons or magic you're focusing on studying.”

 

Bernadetta pushes her oatmeal around with her spoon. She wasn't sure focusing or studying really described what she was doing at Garreg Mach. “Well honestly, I don’t really like training and I’m not very good at it,” she says. “But if I had to pick, I’d go with the bow so I can stay far away from the enemies.”

 

“Oh, I totally understand,” says Mercedes. “We’re both magic users and like to keep some distance too.”

 

Mercedes seems to sense Bernadetta’s discomfort with the topic and changes the subject. “Are you a fan of sweets, Bernadetta?” She meaningfully eyes the mound of brown sugar atop Bernie’s oatmeal.

 

“Um, you can call me Bernie, if you like,” Bernadetta says shyly. “And yes, I love sweets! What kind of person wouldn’t like them?!” 

 

“Okay, Bernie it is!” says Annette. “We both love sweets too. Mercie is a whiz at baking – oh hey, we should all get together and do some baking this weekend!”

 

Mercedes claps her hands together. “Oh yes, what a wonderful idea, Annie! What do you think, Bernie?” She laughs. “Our names all rhyme now! Mercie, Annie, and Bernie. But I would really love to have a little baking party; it would be a great way to celebrate our new friendship.”

 

Our new –

 

Bernadetta feels her throat close up. Less than an hour ago she had been wondering if she could even sit next to these girls and hoped they wouldn’t hate her, and now before class had even started they’d both become her friends.

 

Tears well up in her eyes and she tries to wipe them away on her sleeves before it’s obvious that she’s crying. “I would love to,” Bernie says, dipping her head in an attempt to hide the tears that keep coming.

 

Mercedes and Annette share a look, taken aback by her reaction, but Annette doesn’t miss a beat, hugging her new friend tightly from the side. “Aw, Bernie!”

 

Mercedes stands up to move around the table and sits on the other side of Bernadetta, joining in the hug and patting Bernie on the head.

 

Some other students in the dining hall have turned to look at the trio, but Bernie doesn’t even notice.

 

The rest of the morning passes in a warm, happy blur, Bernadetta sitting between her two new friends. She thinks it might be the first time she’s ever actually enjoyed being in class – actually scratch that, it’s definitely the first time she’s ever enjoyed being in class. She learns the names of the rest of the students, and decides that of the boys, Ashe seems the least intimidating. Felix and Dedue both look… really scary.

 

Bernadetta’s warm and fuzzy day comes to a screeching halt after lunch, when pairs for weekly chores are decided by the professor.

 

“Cleaning and organizing the store rooms… Felix and Bernadetta.”

 

In what feels like slow motion, Bernadetta turns to look at the dark haired boy across the room.

 

Nononononoooooooo! Out of everyone, why did it have to be the scariest person here! And look, he’s even carrying a sword, here in the classroom! Does he need to cut someone down? Is it ME?! Ohno ohno ohno - 

 

Felix turns and makes eye contact with her, and Bernadetta visibly jumps in her seat before hiding behind Mercedes. Felix furrows his brows and turns back to the professor after looking a moment longer.

 

---

 

Okay Bernie, you can do this. It’s just chores. You’ve got to help or else he’ll really hate you and probably come hunt you down with that sword of his… It’s just cleaning anyway! You probably don’t even need to talk! Yeah! Okay, let’s do this!

 

Bernie pushes open the door to the store room, and Felix looks up at her from inside.

 

“You’re here. Let’s get this over with.”

 

Notes:

I really think Annette and Mercedes are the type to just scoop up Bernie under their wings and take care of her <3

Thanks again for reading! xo

Chapter 3

Summary:

An encounter

and

TRUTH

OR

DARE

Notes:

Originally I was going to make this two chapters but the first bit seemed too short, so here you go!

CW: This chapter starts with a short abusive episode with Bernie's dad, so feel free to skip to after the first bit of italics.

“Useless girl!”

 

Bernadetta kneels and frantically begins to pick up the pieces of the shattered plate with trembling fingers.

 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m–”

 

“You never cease to amaze me with your incompetence, girl,” Count Varley snarls as his daughter cowers in front of him. Tears have begun to fall from her wide eyes, and she doesn’t even seem to notice that she’s cut herself while trying to clean up her failure.

 

The count smacks the shards of china from Bernadetta’s hands and spits, “You’re worth less than a servant. Now get out of my sight! Go!”

 

“...go?”

 

“Bernadetta?”

 

With a start, Bernadetta returns to reality. “Uh – sorry! What?”

 

Felix looks at her quizzically. “I said, where do you think this should go?” He holds up an object which could either be a strange prop for a drama production or some kind of very obscure and specific kitchen utensil.

 

Felix and Bernadetta have been assigned to clean and organize a storage room in a little-used corner of the monastery. Bernadetta’s anxiety about working with an unfamiliar and intimidating boy had suddenly brought up memories which Bernadetta would much prefer remain buried and un-thought of.

 

“Um, uh, how about here?” Bernadetta shoves the mysterious item behind a random box on a shelf. She can’t see how it could possibly be categorized.

 

Felix stares for a moment, then shrugs. “Whatever.”

 

If you didn’t care, why did you even ask?! Bernadetta huffs inwardly, but silently returns to dusting the shelf in front of her. She figures that the sooner they’re done, the sooner she can go back to her room and her current knitting project, and the less she’ll have to talk to Felix.

 

So far they’ve barely spoken at all. Bernadetta glances over at him, thinking that he seems against small talk. It relieves Bernadetta somewhat, because she doesn’t have to worry about what to say in return, but at the same time she feels on edge because she doesn’t know what he’s thinking or what he expects of her.

 

She’s surprised to find herself looking at him again, only realizing it when Felix turns and makes eye contact. “What?” he says.

 

“N-nothing!” Bernadetta yelps, immediately returning her gaze to her dusting cloth.

 

“No. You were looking at me. What is it?” he says, placing a hand on his hip.

 

“Uh, what? No I wasn’t!” says Bernie, her face burning. “I was just, um – putting this box away!”

 

She bends down to pick up the nearest box to her, but she’s flustered, and the box is bigger and heavier than she’d bargained for, and it’s slipping from her fingers, so she tries to lean back to shift the weight to her hips, but then she leans back too far, a scream escaping from her lips –

 

“Hey, careful–!”

 

There’s a sudden moment of clarity where she can feel her centre of gravity move beyond where her legs can catch her, but time seems to move in slow motion and she can’t do anything to stop her fall.

 

She closes her eyes, bracing for impact and Felix’s inevitable rage, when suddenly – she’s not falling anymore.

 

Bernie opens her eyes cautiously to see the face of Felix Hugo Fraldarius only a few inches away from her own. She can feel one arm circling around her back, hand gripping her shoulder, while his other hand has a hold on the box, supporting its weight. Bernadetta is struck by the strength of his arm, effortlessly holding her up, without being forceful or hurting her in any way. Felix's amber eyes are focused on her, their gazes locked before the situation has a chance to diffuse.

 

It only lasts for a moment before Felix sets her upright and takes the box from her hands.

 

“Geez, you might actually be more clumsy than Annette, and that’s saying something,” he says, sliding the box onto a shelf. “Don’t pick things up you aren’t strong enough to carry,” he adds, fixing her with a glare.

 

“Um–” Bernadetta starts, preparing to apologize profusely.

 

“You know, I’ve been wondering,” Felix interrupts, turning to pick up another box and putting it away. “Why did someone like you come to the officers academy anyway? You’re clearly not interested in training, and I hear you barely even go to class.” He doesn’t need to add very clumsy and not strong to the list.

 

Bernadetta stops her apology, her already burning face getting hotter. Her stomach drops down to her feet, and then starts twisting itself in knots. Her hands clench into fists by her side. She’s embarrassed and ashamed, but she’s angry, too. 

 

This guy isn’t her father! He doesn’t get to speak to her like that!

 

“It – It’s not like I had a choice!” she squeaks out, significantly less impressive than she wants to sound.

 

Felix seems oblivious to her emotional turmoil and shrugs as he continues to work. “Is that so? I guess it’s none of my business.” He turns back to her. “It seems like we’re pretty much done here, I’ll just put the last of these boxes away. You can go.”

 

...That’s it? Why did you ask if you didn’t care about the answer! Ugh!

 

She can still feel the ghost of his arm around her shoulders and her indignance wavers. He didn’t get mad, but he probably hates her now for being such a burden.

 

Ugh.. None of this would have happened if I wasn’t so useless.

 

Her anger fades into misery, but her embarrassment is still going strong. Bernadetta feels like she shouldn’t leave before the task is finished, but she can’t think of anything else to say, or any way to be useful, so she simply leaves without saying anything.

 

Bernadetta returns to her dorm room defeated, but finally able to close the door on the world. She sinks down onto her bed and draws her knees up to her chest. She stares at the carnivorous plant sitting impassively on her nightstand.

 

“Oh Carrie, why can’t I do anything right?”

-----

Bernadetta doesn’t intend to go to school today. In fact, the last two days were probably enough socialization for an entire week.

 

Bernie pulls her covers up over her head, scenes from last night’s cleaning debacle replaying in her mind. Yesterday had been so good up until then, but the warmth of her breakfast with Annette and Mercedes is completely overshadowed by how she completely and totally messed up.

 

Why can’t she just be a normal, functioning person who can do something simple like cleaning and putting boxes on shelves without messing up? Felix probably thinks she’s an idiot, and annoying, and if she went to class today he’d probably glare at her.

 

I guess he kind of glares at everyone… but it would be an extra mad glare!

 

Come to think of it, he had glared at her last night. But he hadn’t seemed angry, really. Maybe, disappointed? Ugh, that’s just as bad. But Bernadetta couldn’t help but think of when he had caught her, saved her from falling. If he hated her, he probably wouldn’t save her, right? He probably wouldn’t have been so gentle, right..? But, Bernadetta was probably reading too much into it. It would be too much to hope for.

 

Her thoughts of Felix and last night’s clumsiness evaporate at a loud knocking on the door.

 

“Bernie! Bernie! Get up!” It’s Dorothea.

 

Bernadetta nestles deeper into her blankets. “U-um, I’m not going to class today – I’m not really feeling up to it–”

 

“Nope, I don’t wanna hear it today, Bernie,” Dorothea says cheerfully from the other side of the door. “You have to come today – I’m transferring to the Blue Lions too!”

 

This gets Bernie to sit up. “Wait – you are? Why?”

 

“Weeeell, I saw you in the dining hall with Mercedes and Annette yesterday and you all just looked so lovey-dovey and I wanted in,” Dorothea explains in a playful voice. “What can I say? I was a bit jealous.”

 

“Oh,” Bernadetta says, and feels herself blush. She only just realizes how public that display of affection was. “Um, well, I’m really happy that you’ll be joining the class! But, um.. Why does that mean I have to come to class today?”

 

Dorothea makes an offended huff and Bernadetta can tell she’s got her hands on her hips, but also knows her well enough by now that she’s only teasing. “You’re really gonna make me join a new class all by myself? I need my best friend there for support!”

 

Bernadetta freezes like a rabbit that’s just seen movement across a meadow. Did she really mean that? She’s probably just exaggerating, but it does get Bernie out of bed.

 

“Okay, just… let me get ready.”

 

“Yay!” Dorothea giggles. “I’ll meet you in the dining hall!” Bernadetta can hear her humming as she walks away.

 

---

 

“Hi everyone, if you don’t know me already I’m Dorothea Arneault and today I’ll be joining your class! I’m so looking forward to getting to know you all better.” Dorothea curtsies to finish her introduction.

 

Like when Bernadetta joined, Dimitri stands and welcomes her to the class, and there’s some clapping and cheering from the other students. Bernadetta claps too, in awe of Dorothea’s confidence and poise.

 

Dorothea smiles as she makes her way to a seat beside Bernadetta, which Dorothea had made her promise to save during breakfast.

 

Byleth begins his lecture, but a thought keeps buzzing around Bernie’s head that keeps her from concentrating. It even keeps her from checking if Felix has glared at her yet. She scribbles on her notebook and pushes it over to Dorothea to read.

 

Did you mean what you said this morning?

 

Dorothea looks a bit confused.

 

What do you mean? She writes back.

 

Bernadetta gulps dry air. She didn’t really want to write it out in so many words, in case it wasn’t true, but… she really needed to know.

 

About when you said I’m your… best friend?

 

Dorothea’s eyes widen in surprise for just a moment, and then soften with a smile as she begins to write. Bernadetta holds her breath while Dorothea’s quill scratches out her answer.

 

YES!

 

Dorothea squeezes Bernie’s hand under the desk, and Bernie’s heart is racing but she can’t help smiling for the rest of the lesson.

 

---

 

When class is over for the day, Dorothea stands up and claps her hands before anyone can pack up.

 

“Hey everyone, thanks for a really great first day as a Blue Lion. I was thinking, since I’m new here, maybe we could all get together tonight and get to know each other better. Celebrate, you know?”

 

Felix scoffs. “Celebrate what, exactly?”

 

“Oh, stop it Felix,” says Annette. “That sounds really fun!”

 

“Yes, I agree,” says Prince Dimitri. “This would be an excellent opportunity for our class to bond as a unit. What did you have in mind, Miss Arneault? Er, may I call you Dorothea?”

 

Dorothea smiles graciously. “Dorothea would be lovely, Dimitri. I was thinking we could start by all eating dinner together, and then… Well, after that, I have an idea, but I’d like to keep it a surprise until later.”

 

“Hey, I’m always up for a surprise,” says Sylvain. “Especially one thought up by the lovely Dorothe–oof.”

 

Ingrid speaks over Sylvain after elbowing him in the ribs. “Sounds like we’re all in agreement! We’ll be there.”

 

---

 

Bernadetta is curled up with her knees tucked under her chin, glued to Dorothea’s side. 

 

Today was supposed to be a day to recharge! How did she end up sneaking into the Blue Lions classroom after curfew with the rest of her class?!

 

After dinner, Dorothea revealed in a conspiratorial whisper that her surprise was a game of truth or dare, late at night in the classroom once the rest of the school had gone to bed. To her credit, Bernie did try to get out of it, but Dorothea would have none of it, despite Felix also supporting the idea of the game being optional. Felix’s reluctance to play actually made Dorothea more insistent that everyone participate.

 

So, here she is, trying hard to keep her nerves under wraps while Sylvain finishes his handstand walk across the room.

 

He returns to an upright position to cautiously quiet applause and dusts off his hands.

 

“Piece of cake,” he says, sitting back down in the circle the class has made on the floor, surrounding the fireplace. “Now, who shall I pick next…” He makes a show of looking at each student in the circle and smirks. “Ingrid. Truth or dare?”

 

Ingrid crosses her arms, wary of what’s coming next. “Truth.”

 

Sylvain leans toward her and waggles his eyebrows. “Will you marry me?”

 

Ingrid’s immediate answer is a swift blow to the top of Sylvain’s head, and the girls except for Bernadetta giggle. “No! I dare you to ask me that again!”

 

“Hey, that’s not how the game works,” Sylvain complains, rubbing his scalp.

 

“He’s right Ingrid, you have to pick someone else,” says Ashe.

 

The room falls silent in anticipation of Ingrid’s choice.

 

Ingrid narrows her eyes. “Felix.”

 

Despite his pouting and insistence that the game was a waste of time earlier, Felix actually seems eager for his turn. He stands up with a fire in his eyes.

 

“Dare. I can do anything you fools throw at me.” He says it like he’s challenging them all to a duel.

 

“Anything huh?” says Ingrid. “Well then, I dare you to princess carry His Highness down the length of the courtyard outside.”

 

Felix’s bravado falters and Dedue suddenly begins coughing. Dimitri stands hesitantly. “Well, Felix, I – er, don’t mind, how should we do this–”

 

Felix sits down immediately. “Truth.”

 

Everyone laughs this time, except for Dimitri who sits down bashfully.

 

“Fine,” says Ingrid, “but you have to tell the truth. What are you most afraid of?”

 

Bernadetta is grateful she hasn’t been asked that question.

 

But Felix simply tosses his bangs back from where they’ve fallen in front of his eyes and snorts. “Hah! That’s easy. I’m not afraid of anything.”

 

“Boooooooooo!”

 

The class boos him but Felix still has a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Sylvain throws a crumpled piece of paper at him.

 

The booing dies down, and Dorothea jumps in. “Hey, I don’t think Bernie has had a turn yet.”

 

“Isn’t it my turn to ask–”

 

“Oh, hush, Felix, we all know you’re just going to dare someone to spar with you. I’m taking your turn, and that’s final.” Dorothea turns to Bernie. “Truth or dare?”

 

She asks it like she’s asking if Bernadetta would like strawberry or blueberry jam with her scone rather than if she would like to die by being boiled or being burned.

 

“Uh, I’m okay with not having a turn. You guys can keep going.”

 

“Nonsense, Bern! This is about getting to know each other. You’re a blue lion too,” Dorothea insists. Bernadetta can see Annette and Mercedes smiling encouragingly at her when she takes a quick glance around the room. “Now, truth or dare?”

 

“Um, t-truth, please.” The room is quiet and at attention; for some of the students it might be the first time they’ve heard Bernie speak outside of class.

 

Please go easy on me! Bernie prays.

 

“Okay, let’s see…” Dorothea taps her chin. “Bernie, what is an important quality you look for in a friend?” 

 

Oh, thank goodness, an easy one. Bernadetta shakily lets out the breath she was holding.

 

Dorothea stares at her with a reassuring gaze and Bernie is reminded of the notes they were passing in class earlier, and the words Dorothea said outside her door this morning. 

 

Best friend…

 

Bernadetta stares back at Dorothea, thinking of all the things about her that made her friendship so precious. If she was writing on paper, she could probably come up with an articulately beautiful verse of prose or poetry outlining all of her wonderful qualities, but here with all eyes on her…

 

“Um, they have to be really nice!” Bernie finally stammers, dropping her gaze to the floor. “And also, um.. They have to be strong enough so that my father’s men can’t beat them up!”

 

Some of the smiles on the Blue Lions’ faces from the first half of her answer drop at the last comment. Bernadetta doesn’t notice though, because she holds her hands up in front of her face as a shield. “Um, that’s it!”

 

Dorothea squeezes her shoulder. They’d had this conversation a few weeks ago, about how Bernadetta’s father had acted when she had befriended a commoner as a child, and Dorothea had assured her that she’d kick her father’s ass if it ever came down to it!

 

“Okay Bernie, now it’s your turn to ask someone truth or dare,” Dorothea says.

 

“Um, can I pass?” Bernie says. Having taken her turn she feels ready to melt through the floor.

 

“Here, you can just pick me!” Annette jumps in. “You can ask me anything. Or dare me to do anything, I guess. Within reason.”

 

“Um, okay… can I ask you a truth?”

 

Annette nods.

 

Bernie tries to think of something cool and not lame but also not too personal and awkward to ask. “Are you, um, ticklish?”

 

Before she can even answer, Mercedes and Sylvain appear at her side, their grins looking a little more wicked than sweet. Annette looks to either side, dread appearing on her face.

 

“Oh no,” she says.

 

Annette’s shrieks of laughter end up alerting the guards patrolling nearby, and Professor Byleth is brought to the classroom to scold them and send them all to bed with a bemused sigh.

 

Notes:

Dorothea is one of like, two people in canon that actually know how to talk to Bernie.

Hope you guys liked truth or dare! It was so fun to write uhuhuhu

Chapter 4

Summary:

Dinner with Byleth

and

A birthday cake

One. A downward slash.

 

Two. He raises the hilt of his sword while keeping the tip pointing forward.

 

Three. Pivot on the left foot and –

 

Four. Felix spins clockwise, using the momentum of his turn to bring his sword down heavily on the training dummy, letting loose a battle cry to accompany the loud thwack of wood on wood.

 

Felix lowers his sword and relaxes his stance, chest heaving from the exertion. It was a productive training session today. His footwork is improving, and he’s sure he’ll be able to beat the new professor in a sparring match soon.

 

He pats a towel against his sweaty forehead and returns his training sword to the equipment room.

 

Pulling his right arm across his chest, he hears Ingrid’s voice in his head nagging him to stretch and cool down after a long training session. They had been arguing about it earlier that week; Felix wasn’t about to admit she was right and listen to I told you so for the next month, but it was true he hadn’t been spending enough time letting his muscles cool off after working them so hard. He’d be able to get more done tomorrow if he let them rest properly tonight.

 

Stretching complete, Felix exits the training grounds, swinging his arms in front and behind him to loosen them up. It’s well past midnight, and the air feels pleasantly cool on his hot and perspiring skin. He figures he’ll take a walk around the monastery to finish his cooldown before heading to the bathhouse.

 

As he approaches the greenhouse, he notices a dark figure hunched over on the ground. It’s unusual, considering how late it is. Most nights the only other people he sees around the monastery are occasional guard patrols.

 

He continues toward the greenhouse, and the crouching figure startles at his footsteps. They make a high-pitched squeak and look over their shoulder, and Felix can see their face – it’s Bernadetta, the mousy new girl in his class, and apparently she was crouched down petting one of the monastery cats.

 

Bernadetta locks eyes with him, and before Felix can say or do anything, she bolts towards the dormitories and the cat spooks and runs in the opposite direction.

 

Felix turns to stare after her, unsure how to react to her sudden retreat. 

 

I guess it is late at night, did she think I was some axe murderer or something? I mean, I’m not even carrying an axe.

 

Or maybe she thought he would bust her for being out after curfew? But he wasn’t exactly keeping curfew either.

 

Whatever it was, apparently she couldn’t get away from him fast enough.

 

He runs his fingers through his hair. Was he really so repulsive?

 

---

 

After that night, Felix can’t help but be aware of Bernadetta’s reactions to him. He’s never really paid attention to her before, but there’s something about being so intensely avoided that Felix can’t ignore. 

 

On days when she’s in class (and he notices now when she’s absent), she flinches hard if he looks in her direction. If he goes over to talk to Mercedes or Annette about applications of magic in battle, Bernadetta looks anywhere but his direction, staunchly ignoring him.

 

And most recently when she leaves her satchel in the classroom, he tries to return it to her but she outright runs away when he approaches. As he watches her retreating form, he lets the hand holding her satchel drop to his side, sighing in frustration.

 

Felix is aware that he doesn’t go out of his way to be approachable, and normally he likes it that way, but his other classmates usually just roll their eyes at him, or poke fun at his sarcastic remarks, or at the very least argue back when he’s being rude.

 

He’s used to people meeting his attitude with some kind of reaction back at him, or at least indifference, which is fine. But for her to constantly pull away, or more accurately run away from him when he hasn’t even done anything to her (that he’s aware of)... well, it feels kind of crappy.

 

Whatever, it doesn’t matter , Felix thinks, moving to cross his arms when he remembers he’s still hold Bernadetta’s satchel. But what am I going to do with this? So troublesome.

 

He slings the bag over his shoulder since he doesn’t know what else to do with it, and heads to the dining hall to meet the professor for dinner.

 

---

 

Bernadetta gets to the dining hall early. She would rather sneak into the kitchens late at night when no one else is around, but the professor did invite her to dinner, and she didn’t want to disappoint him.

 

She hadn’t meant to get there early either, but after class Felix had suddenly approached her and she just – couldn’t. She just couldn’t, and she had turned to run before he could say anything to her. She didn’t have anywhere else to go and not much time before dinner, so here she is.

 

She takes a seat at Byleth’s normal spot and wonders who else will be joining them for dinner; usually the professor will invite at least two people at a time. She hopes it’s Alois, her other favourite dining partner besides the professor. Or one of the other girls from her class… hopefully not Ingrid… It wasn’t as though she disliked Ingrid! She was just a little intense for Bernie. 

 

Bernadetta hears a noise beside her and turns to see who will be joining her and the professor tonight. “Um, hi–” she starts to say, when she sees who it is.

 

It’s Felix.

 

Her eyes widen and she whips her head in the other direction, trying to keep her breathing from getting too fast in panic.

 

Why was it Felix? Why? Ever since that night they were assigned to cleaning together, Bernadetta can’t keep it together around him. She completely embarrassed herself, and she’s sure he hates her. His glares are so scary, and he’s always snapping at people when he doesn’t like what they say or do, and she really doesn’t want him to yell at her. It seems like… he probably won’t hurt her, but Bernadetta really just doesn’t know how to act around him.

 

What should she be doing now? Probably not staring in the complete opposite direction from him! Oh, where is the professor?!

 

Felix sets something down on the bench between them with a thump. Bernadetta turns to look and it’s – her satchel?!

 

She looks from the bag to Felix. “Hey – that’s mine! Where’d you get that?” She hurriedly grabs the bag into her own lap.

 

Felix rolls his eyes. “You left it in the classroom. I was trying to return it to you, but you ran away. ”

 

Bernie freezes and bites her lip. So that’s why he came up to her earlier? Oh man, he was trying to help her and she was so rude! She wants to melt through the floor all the way to the center of the earth. She is unfortunately still solid though, so she settles for staring at her hands and fiddling with her satchel. How is she going to get through dinner with boy who probably hated her before and now definitely thinks she’s horrible! And she is horrible. So rude. So annoying. So–

 

“You must find me really irritating, huh?” Felix sighs.

“Irritating! Yes, I know, I–” Hold on. Bernadetta hesitantly turns toward Felix. “Wait. I mean, I know I’m irritating, but…” She trails off, not knowing what to say next. All this time, he thought that Bernadetta found him annoying, rather than the other way around? 

 

Felix has his chin in one hand, staring off across the dining hall. Bernadetta doesn’t know how to read him at all. All this time, she’d been so focused on her own feelings and anxiety that she hadn’t even considered that Felix might notice her behaviour, or that it might have affected him.

 

She wishes that Felix would break the silence, give her a clue about what he wants to hear next. But he continues gazing silently at the opposite wall, and Bernie grips her satchel tighter, guilt starting to gnaw at the inside of her stomach.

 

“Um, I don’t think you’re irritating.”

 

This gets Felix to turn his head back to her, his expression blank. “No? Then why are you always ignoring me and running away from me?”

 

Bernie can feel her face begin to flush. What should she say? She knows her reasons are stupid and don’t make sense, but they feel very real to her and she didn’t expect to have to explain them to Felix of all people, who almost certainly won’t understand. But she’s made him assume the problem was with him, not her, and it seems only fair to be honest with him now.

 

“Well, I kind of figured you would probably hate me,” she manages to say, pausing between words as she tries to force them out. It’s hard to keep eye contact.

 

Felix narrows his eyes, his brows furrowing. “What? Why? I haven’t done anything to you.”

 

“W-well, no, but it’s just that I’m so annoying and it seems like you really hate annoying things,” she stammers. She opens her mouth to add more–

 

“Stop," Felix says, and sighs. "I never said that. I’ll decide who and what I hate. You’re fine.”

 

Bernadetta can feel her heart racing and compared to before when she couldn’t meet his gaze, now she can’t look away. She’s...fine? What does that mean, really? She has no idea how to respond to that, but fortunately she is saved from figuring out what to say next because at that moment Professor Byleth finally arrives.

 

“Good evening,” he says as he sits down. “I’m sorry I’m late. I just happened to spot a cat by the fishing pond with a peculiar coloration, I’m wondering if you’ve seen it…”

 

---

 

Annette cracks an egg on the counter which promptly explodes, sending egg yolk all over the counter and dripping down to the floor.

 

“Agh! Oh no!” She cries out in panic, then slumps her shoulders. “Urgh.. Why can’t I get the hang of this already?”

 

It’s their free day, and Annette has recruited Bernadetta to help make a cake for Mercedes' birthday which is coming up next week. Bernadetta had agreed somewhat hesitantly, but she had actually looked forward to it all week; she loves baking and is happy to do something nice for her new friend.

 

Bernadetta grabs a cloth and wipes up the mess with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I guess I didn’t explain it very clearly. Want me to show you again?”

 

Annette sighs. “Maybe you should just do it for me. I’ll watch though. I’m definitely going to learn to crack eggs properly one day!”

 

Bernadetta complies, deftly breaking the shell with one hand and depositing the egg yolk into the mixing bowl.

 

“Man, one-handed! You are so good at this, Bernie,” Annette says reverently, her face in her hands as she peers closely at Bernie’s work. She raises her wide eyes to Bernadetta, then straightens up, her face becoming more serious.

 

“Hey, um, can I ask you something?” Annette says quietly.

 

Her serious mood catches Bernie’s attention. “Yeah, okay.”

 

“Um, it’s about when we were playing Truth or Dare before. When you said that your friends have to be strong enough so your dad’s men can’t beat them up. Can I ask what you meant by that?”

 

Bernadetta grabs a whisk and starts to beat the eggs absent-mindedly so she doesn’t have to make eye contact. It’s certainly not a topic she thought she’d be talking about tonight, but… Annette is her friend. Bernadetta doesn’t want to keep secrets from her.

 

She begins slowly. “When I was a kid, I made friends with a commoner. The short story is, my dad got really, really mad and did something really bad to him.” She shudders, trying to keep her mind in the present and not relivingthe painful details of that memory. “Ever since then I’ve been really scared to make friends. I would just avoid people.” The whisk in her hand stills, the eggs more stirred than beaten.

 

Annette lifts her hand and squeezes it gently “I’m so sorry that happened, Bernie. Thank you for telling me.” She takes the bowl and whisk from Bernadetta. “But hey, I’m gonna be your friend no matter what! And you’ve seen me with wind magic. No one is gonna beat me up any time soon!” She shakes the whisk, spraying yellow flecks of egg on her face.

 

Bernadetta gives her a weak smile. “Yeah. I know.”

 

They work in silence for a few moments, adding the remaining ingredients to the cake batter. Bernadetta watches cautiously while Annette stirs until Annette pipes up again, changing the subject.

 

“Oh! Bernie, we should make up a song about baking while we make Mercie’s birthday cake!” Annette grins, holding up a mixing spoon to emphasize her point and sending a glob of batter flying across the kitchen.

 

Bernadetta gently takes the bowl and spoon from her to take over. “Um, okay, sure! You start.” She’s grateful to Annette for lightening the mood again.

 

Normally Bernie would probably feel too awkward and embarrassed to sing around someone else, but she’s gotten very used to Annette’s songs at this point. She sings them under her breath in class, during dinner, during chores, in the bathhouse… Annette has a song for every situation, and Bernie has found herself singing them herself on more than one occasion when they’ve gotten stuck in her head.

 

“Hmmm, okay, how about if we start it like this…” Annette hops to sit on the counter and tilts her head thoughtfully, all thoughts of mixing cake batter completely forgotten. “ Our friend Mercie’s birthday is very soon ,” she croons. “ We should surprise her, what should we doooo? ”

 

Bernadetta giggles at Annette’s dramatic performance and pours the mixed cake batter into the pan waiting by the oven, then dons her oven mitts and deposits the cake into the oven.

 

“Okay, what next – oh!” Annette hops back down from her seat on the counter and spreads her arms wide as she begins the next verse. “ Of course we will make her the very best cake! She’ll love it so much, she – she, uh, Bernie, can you think of a rhyme?”

 

“Um, she’ll do a double take?” Bernadetta suggests. She starts measuring powdered sugar into another bowl to start on the icing, careful to keep it away from Annette while she twirls around the kitchen. She’s starting to see why Annette and kitchens have a reputation.

 

Annette stops mid-twirl. “Oh! That’s perfect! She’ll love it so much, she’ll do a double take! Okay Bernie, from the top!”

 

Bernadetta joins in Annette’s song softly, harmonizing here and there. Bernie has always loved singing, but usually just for herself or her plants. She doesn’t consider herself very good, but Annette always seems really happy when she joins in, and it’s actually kinda fun to sing together about silly things.

 

A male voice suddenly bursts the carefree atmosphere. “Well, you two certainly make quite the chorus.”

 

Both girls whip around to face the source of the voice.

 

“Felix!” Annette shrieks, color creeping up her face to match her hair. Bernadetta stands frozen with her eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

 

“What – what are – you shouldn’t eavesdrop!” Annette splutters.

 

“Is it really eavesdropping if I can hear you all the way from the gardens? Anyways, you two sound pretty good.” Felix leans on the dining hall counter and grabs an apple sitting in a bowl.

 

Annette pouts. “Felix, you are the worst! Stop teasing us! And don’t tell anyone about this!” She stamps her foot to emphasize her point.

 

“Tell anyone what? That you’re making a birthday cake for Mercedes? I think the whole monastery knows that by now.” Felix takes a bite of his apple. “And what was it? It’s going to be so good she’ll do a double take? That I’ll have to see,” he says, quirking one eyebrow.

 

“Uggghhh, Felix, you, you – villain!” Annette stamps her foot again.

 

Bernadetta looks between the two of them. Normally in this kind of situation, she would probably have run away screaming by now. But with Annette already red-faced and bickering with Felix, it takes the fire out of her panic and suddenly the whole situation seems completely ridiculous. Maybe it’s nerves, maybe it's the tension she doesn't know what to do with, but she can’t help the laughter that bubbles up from her chest.

 

Both Annette and Felix turn at the sound as Felix was about to respond to the accusation, and then Annette is laughing too, both girls breathless as more laughter spills out of them. Even Felix is smirking, his eyebrows raised when Bernadetta and Annette don't stop after a few moments. The girls laugh until their sides hurt, each time they make eye contact spurring a new fit of giggles, each glance like a private silly secret.

 

As their giggles slow into gasps for air, Felix restarts the conversation. “Anyway, it looks like the whole monastery should be thanking Bernadetta for keeping Annette from burning the kitchen down again.”

 

“Wha– again?!” Annette’s indignance is undercut by the grin still plastered to her face. “I have never burned down the kitchen, thank you very much. And I wouldn’t have even if Bernie wasn’t here! Right, Bernie? Tell him!”

 

“U-um… well, I just helped a little bit,” Bernie says softly, feeling shy again but not upset. She still finds it hard to talk to Felix, and it’s even harder to make eye contact, but after dinner the other night she realized she’s been treating him pretty unfairly. It would be really awful of her to make him think she hates him, so she’s at least trying to speak up a little bit and not run away.

 

Annette practically radiates pride. “That’s right! Oh, well that’s not to say that you weren’t helpful, Bernie! Just that I don’t need to be babysat.” She sticks her tongue out at Felix and he rolls his eyes good naturedly.

 

The pleasant aroma of the baking cake wafts over to Bernadetta, and she glances at the clock. “Looks like it’s time to take the cake out of the oven already,” she says, equipping her oven mitts once again.

 

She sets the pan down and gathers her courage. Like any time she’s anxious, she can’t look up and her face gets hot but she does her best anyway and stammers, “U-um, Felix, w-would you, like to um, try some cake before we ice it?” Time seems to stretch before he answers, each heartbeat marking time.

 

“No thanks, I don’t like sweet things.”

 

Oh, Seiros! 

 

“Oh, s-sorry! I didn’t know, ah, I shouldn’t have bothered you–”

 

“Stop. It doesn’t matter,” Felix says, straightening from his leaning position. “Annette probably put salt in for sugar anyway. Good night,” he says concisely, and exits the dining hall with his apple.

 

“I did not put in salt, Bernie noticed and switched it for sugar before I put it in!” Annette calls after him. She sighs, pouting out her bottom lip slightly and turns back to Bernadetta. “I know Felix isn’t all bad at heart, but he is a real stinker sometimes. You one hundred percent have my permission to be mean to him if you want to.”

 

“Um, okay,” says Bernie. She’s not really sure that she would want to be mean to anyone, so she changes the subject. “Why don’t we get to icing the cake? Um, here, if you do it this way you’ll get more icing on the cake and less on your apron…”

 

Notes:

What would Byleth talk about with these two awkward loners? I like to think he would keep talking about cats long past the point of being interesting and Felix and Bernadetta continue listening politely despite being super bored.

I love the way Bernadetta disarms all the big scary men on campus and can't wait to get to more of that :)

Thanks again for reading! xo

Chapter 5

Summary:

Mercedes' birthday.

“Happy birthday to you!”

 

Mercedes blows out the candles on her cake while the rest of the Blues Lions girls applaud. They’re tucked away at a private table among the hedges of the garden.

 

“Thank you all so much for celebrating my birthday with me,” Mercedes says. “It’s safe to say that this is the best birthday I’ve had in a long while.”

 

Annette reaches out to squeeze her hand from across the table. “Hey, it’s the least we can do for our good friend Mercy!” she says, bubbly and cheerful. “Okay, now it’s time for presents! Here, open mine first.”

 

Mercedes laughs softly and takes the small package that Annette pushes towards her. Inside is a delicate bracelet with cream and burgundy glass beads.

 

“Oh, it’s lovely Annie, thank you so much!” Mercedes smiles as she slips the bracelet onto her wrist.

 

“Hilda helped me a little bit, but I picked out the beads! Those colours look great on you.”

 

Next up is Ingrid, whose rigid posture reveals her discomfort with her surroundings. She had apologized for having little experience with tea parties, but in the end the promise of cake had lured her in despite any awkwardness she felt.

 

“Mine isn’t quite as fancy as Annette’s, but I hope you’ll find it useful!” She brings out another small parcel wrapped in brown paper.

 

Mercedes undoes the wrapping with a deft finger and extracts a sewing kit, complete with several sizes of needles and many different colours of thread. “This is perfect, Ingrid,” she says. “You know I love sewing.”

 

Ingrid turns a light shade of pink and ducks her head, and then it’s Bernie’s turn.

 

“Um, here, I made this,” Bernie says, and hands Mercedes a parcel wrapped in pink tissue paper and tied with a bow.

 

Mercedes pulls on the bow, and the paper falls away to reveal a small brown knitted bear, complete with a bow tie of his own. Mercedes hugs it to her chest and says, “Oh, Bernie, this is just the cutest! Thank you so much.” Bernadetta melts just a little at her warm smile.

 

“That’s our Bernie,” grins Dorothea. “So talented. Now, you may have noticed that I haven’t brought any gifts with me, but it’s not because I’m not getting you anything! I thought it might be fun for us to go out to town once we’re done with the cake, and I’ll buy you anything you like from one of the shops.”

 

“Hmmm, you might be in trouble Dorothea,” hums Annette. “Mercie does really love to shop!”

 

Mercedes playfully pokes Annette’s smiling cheeks as she giggles. “Come now, Annie, I do love shopping but I’m not that rude!”

 

Once the girls have finished their cake, Bernadetta stands and begins stacking plates. “Hey um, why don’t you guys head into town, and I’ll clean up here?”

 

Ingrid quickly stands as well. “That doesn’t seem fair. Let us help!”

 

Bernie waves her hands in front of her in a placating motion. “I really don’t mind,” she says. “Actually, I’m feeling kind of tired and I think I’ll just stay here. But you guys go have fun! Mercedes, I’m really happy I was able to celebrate your birthday with you.”

 

“The pleasure was all mine,” Mercedes returns. “Thank you so much for your handmade gift, and the cake as well! I heard the kitchen was left in good order thanks to your help.” Annette sticks out her tongue. “All right, just let me put these gifts in my room, and then we’ll be off!”

 

Bernadetta waves as the others depart, and then collects the remaining dishes and decorations into one pile on the table. She really doesn’t mind staying behind; the small party was a lot of fun, but going into town right after would just be too much. She heaves everything into her arms, holding on with both hands, and heads toward the dining hall.

 

It’s not a long distance from the garden, but with each burdened step Bernie is starting to think maybe she should have made two trips. These plates are heavier than she thought…

 

Just as she’s contemplating the pros and cons of leaving half the plates on the ground in the middle of the pathway and coming back for them, a voice calls out from behind her.

 

“Good evening, Bernadetta! Oh my, that is quite a load! Let me help you with that.”

 

It’s Ferdinand, and he gracefully scoops the stack of plates into his own arms. He does it so smoothly that Bernadetta doesn’t even have time to jump or scream in fright.

 

“Oh, um, thanks,” Bernie stammers instead. “I c-can at least carry some of them.” Why he’s helping her, Bernie isn’t sure, but after what happened with Felix she’s trying to be less suspicious of her classmates.

 

Ferdinand flashes her a grin and says, “Nonsense! A task such as this is no difficulty at all for Ferdinand von Aegir!” There’s his name again. “And where were you headed with these, the dining hall?”

 

Bernadetta nods, and restarts her steps in that direction alongside him. He really didn’t need to take everything . Bernadetta feels pretty useless now walking next to him, but ditching him now that he’d taken over her chores would be pretty rude too. So she walks.

 

“Say,” Ferdinand starts, looking down at Bernadetta, and she realizes how much taller he is than her. “Are you not heading to town with Dorothea and the other girls? I passed them on my way over here.”

 

“Oh, um, I actually offered to clean up the dishes so they could go enjoy themselves.”

 

“Well, that is most thoughtful of you, Bernadetta,” he smiles down at her as they enter the dining hall and move into the kitchen. “But may I offer to take care of these dishes so you can go out and enjoy yourself? It would be my pleasure.”

 

Bernadetta is visibly taken aback by this. She blinks at him once before narrowing her eyes and grabbing the plates back from him. “I knew it! You are trying to lure me into a trap. Why would you do something like this for free? Well, whatever it is, I’m not having any of it!” She marches over to the sink and sets down the dishes.

 

Ferdinand holds his hands up in an attempt to look non-threatening. Too late for that.

 

“No – Bernadetta – you misunderstand me.” He tries to catch her eye but she is stubbornly keeping her back to him. “I simply thought you might enjoy the company and change of scenery since you are always hiding in your room.”

 

“Well, it’s not any of your business but I was already out of my room having cake in the gardens with everyone earlier!” Bernadetta retorts, filling the sink with water.

 

“Well, er, that is wonderful to hear,” Ferdinand says over the rushing water. “But still, I have noticed that most days recently I do not see you out of your room, and there are many times you do not attend class or even the dining hall! I fear that something is troubling you and want to help, but I can only do so if you'll tell me what's wrong.”

 

Bernadetta shuts off the water and the silence almost seems louder than the noise that preceded it. “Nope, I’m just fine! So you can stop worrying now.”

 

“You may say that Bernadetta, but this is not healthy behaviour,” Ferdinand says, still persisting. “Do you not realize that life is passing you by? Do you not wish to venture outside of your room and explore the wide world which is outside waiting for you? I really think that you would actually enjoy –”

 

Bernadetta whirls to face Ferdinand. “What if I actually enjoy being alone?! Is that so hard to imagine? It’s none of your business anyway!” She lets out a frustrated huff of air. “You know what? Go ahead and do these dishes like you wanted.” Bernadetta throws down the dish cloth she’s holding and storms out of the kitchen, breaking into a run as she exits the dining hall.

---

 

Felix heads back to the dormitories after another successful training session. Well, he had actually planned on sparring with Ingrid today, but apparently the girls were doing something for Mercedes’ birthday all evening so Felix opted to train with Ashe instead. Not what he’d planned, especially since close combat wasn’t Ashe’s strong suit, but still productive nonetheless.

 

He’s reviewing the points in his technique that need refining when he notices a streak of purple hair sprinting from the dining hall to the dorms. It’s Bernadetta, and even from here her face doesn’t look good. It’s scrunched up and… she’s not crying, is she?

 

Felix stops in his tracks. Um… If she’s crying, should he go check on her..? Was he supposed to? Or maybe she was fine on her own and didn’t need his meddling. Maybe she wasn’t even crying; he was pretty far away after all.

 

It’s not really any of my business what’s going on with her, is it? I’m sure she's fine.

 

He realizes he’s just been standing in the middle of the walkway and shakes himself from his thoughts before heading back up to his room.

 

It has nothing to do with me.

 

But even as he polishes his sword and does his stretching for the night, he can’t stop thinking about what he saw earlier, wondering if Bernadetta was okay. When Mercedes and Ingrid come back from their outing, he briefly considers asking them to see if they know what’s going on, but quickly stifles the idea. He isn’t going to involve himself in even more people’s business just to involve himself with Bernadetta.

 

Wait, why do I want to involve myself with her at all? Urgh..

 

But his concern – no, curiosity isn’t going away, so he finds himself heading back downstairs, ending up in front of Bernadetta’s door. At least he’s pretty sure this is the one he saw her running into earlier.

 

He stands there stupidly for a good moment, wondering once again what the hell he’s doing here and what the hell he’s even going to say. The night air has no answers for him.

 

Frustrated with himself for being an idiot, he decides to get it over with and knocks on the door. When there’s no answer after a beat he calls out, “Um, Bernadetta? It’s Felix.”

 

No answer again. Shit. Maybe she’s not even there? But who is he kidding, it’s Bernadetta after all so it’s more likely than not that she is in there. Maybe she just really didn’t want to talk to anyone, in which case, crap. Or maybe she really isn’t okay, in which case…

 

“You… looked really upset earlier so I, um. Just wanted to ask if you’re okay.”

 

He waits, wondering if he’ll get a response. What should he do if there’s no answer? Just go to bed, I guess.

 

But Bernadetta’s soft voice cuts through his thoughts from the other side of the door. “Um, I’m fine!”

 

Well, of course she is. What did he think, really? She’s not a child. But even so, he can’t help feeling relieved, even if it was just because he finally had an answer to the question he’d been turning over and over all evening.

 

“Oh. Um, good. G – good night.”

 

He leaves without waiting for an answer, shaking his head to clear his mind as he climbs the stairs.

 

Notes:

Felix, you're such a dork <3

Also, I really love taking the canon supports and reimagining them! Which is what I tried to do with Ferdie here.

In any case, I have many Scenarios planned for our little Bernie uhuhuhu and given the way I like to stretch out the fluff it looks like we will have many chapters to come. Thanks for reading! xo

Chapter 6

Summary:

Bernadetta doesn't go on the Blue Lions mission, and Ingrid has something to say about it.

“So the traitor has returned,” croons Hubert as Bernadetta meets the Black Eagles class at the monastery gate. “Not so fond of your little lions anymore, hm?”

 

“Hey, yeah, why didn’t you join them on their mission?” Caspar interjects. “I can’t believe you passed up fighting actual bandits just to go fill sandbags with us!”

 

“Well I for one am most happy to have Bernie with us again,” says Petra warmly.

 

Bernadetta shrinks into herself, unsure how to respond to her former classmates. She had asked Professor Byleth if she could pass on this month’s mission; she just wasn’t ready to get on a real battlefield. Just the thought of it had her breaking out into a cold sweat.

 

The professor had frowned when she asked, bringing the quill he was holding to his lips.

 

“I won’t force you to come this time,” he said, “but it is mandatory that you complete a monthly mission. I’ll speak to Hanneman about sending you with the Black Eagles this month; their mission is to help a nearby village dealing with spring floods. But next month, I’ll expect you to be with my class.”

 

To be honest, Bernadetta isn’t sure she’ll be ready next month either, but for the time being she would much rather take on the more mundane mission of helping a flooded village with sandbagging than being in an actual real battle, even if it means facing the ridicule of her old class. It feels very different without Dorothea here.

 

“All right, are we all here?” says Professor Hanneman as he arrives at the meeting place. His eyes move over the collected students and battalion of knights accompanying them. “Yes? Then let’s be off.”

 

Bernadetta drifts toward the back of the class as they walk, but not outside the watch of the knights. It’sjust past dawn, the sun just barely peeking above the horizon. The Blue Lions class had left even earlier than the Eagles as their destination was further away. Bernadetta wonders where they were now, and how long it would be until they had to start fighting. 

 

Hopefully they’ll all come back safely...

 

Before she can get too far down that line of thought, she realizes that someone is walking beside her. Looking up she sees that it’s Ferdinand, and flinches.

 

Her nemesis! She knew that he would be here, and it was a downside to coming with this class (but still better than bandits), but why is he here standing next to her?!

 

She stiffly keeps her eyes on the ground in front of her feet, hoping that if she keeps quiet, maybe he’ll leave her alone.

 

As usual though, she has no such luck. “Good morning, Bernadetta,” Ferdinand greets her tentatively.

 

Bernadetta doesn’t bite. Please please please go away! I’m ignoring you, so stop talking to me!

 

When Bernadetta still doesn’t respond after a few moments, Bernie hears Ferdinand sigh next to her. Ah, she knew it, he is mad at her! She squeezes her hands into fists and digs her nails into her palms, bracing herself for however he plans to punish her.

 

“I see that you are still angry with me for the other night,” Ferdinand says, his tone concerned. “I actually came over here to apologize for my transgression.” He hesitates before going on. “My actions were forceful and selfish, and I have disgraced myself as a noble. Please accept my apology, Bernadetta.”

 

Bernadetta was surprised. When she finally turned to look at him, he wasn’t angry, but seemed even a little anxious as he waited for her response. He was actually apologizing to her? 

 

It was true that Bernie had been upset about the things Ferdinand said on Mercedes’ birthday, but she had really lashed out at him and even left him with her chores to deal with! She had been hiding from him the last few days at the monastery so that she wouldn’t have to see the hatred in his eyes (and also to avoid any more lectures).

 

But now his eyes are full of regret, beseeching her to forgive him. She chews on her lip.

 

“You – you aren’t mad at me? ”

 

Ferdinand’s eyebrows raise in genuine surprise. “Why, no, of course not! How could I be angry when I am the one who offended you so?”

 

“But I freaked out at you,” Bernadetta supplies. “And I even left the dishes for you! Ugh, that was so rude of me!” She brings her hands up to cover her face, wishing she could erase the whole encounter.

 

“Nonsense,” Ferdinand replies with conviction. “I was being most unreasonable and was not listening to you at all. A noble must be able to understand many points of view if he wishes to guide his people well.” After a pause, he adds, “And a friend must be able to listen and understand, if they truly wish to support another. Please, forgive me.”

 

Bernie thinks about it. Has anyone ever asked for her forgiveness before? Usually she’s the one apologizing.

 

“Um… o-okay.” He seems pretty sincere, but Bernadetta isn’t sure about the last part. He wants to be her friend? Bernie isn’t sure she could befriend her nemesis just like that.

 

Ferdinand looks relieved. “Ah, thank you, Bernadetta! I feel I have much to learn from you. Would you consent to having tea with me some time so we can get to know one another better?”

 

Tea?! But that would involve leaving her room, and spending time with her nemesis. That is definitely not in her wheelhouse. But Ferdinand’s gaze is so expectant and intense, and now that she’s just found out he isn’t mad at her she doesn’t want to ruin that by making him upset now…

 

Bernie agrees, and Ferdinand’s smile only falters ever so slightly when Bernadetta says, “Only if Dorothea can come with me.”

 

---

 

Upon returning to the monastery, tired and sore from lifting countless heavy sandbags, Bernadetta is eager to clean up and return to her room. But hours pass, and still her class has not returned. She begins to worry that something has happened, that someone got hurt, or worse–

 

She thinks of Dorothea, always kind, always warm, choosing Bernadetta to be her best friend even though there are tons of better candidates.

 

She thinks of Annette and Mercedes, always ready with a smile and an offer of sweets for anyone who is feeling down.

 

She even thinks of Felix, who was nicer than he let on behind his sour expression.

 

The thought of any of them being gone … it was too much.

 

As the clock tower begins its midnight tolling, Bernadetta hears activity outside the dorms. She pokes her head out the door, eager to find out the results of the mission but at the same time apprehensive that any of her fears had come true.

 

She’s flooded with relief when she sees Dorothea and Annette approaching their rooms next to hers. Bernadetta comes out of her room completely and as they come into the light of the sconces Bernie can see that they are not their usual selves. Their shoulders slump, their feet drag, and the light in their eyes is different; more somber, hard, and even numb than she’s ever seen before. Bernadetta feels her chest tighten again, worried that maybe she had relaxed too soon.

 

“Hey, how did the mission go? Is… everyone okay?” Bernie asks softly, her eyes darting between Dorothea and Annette.

 

“The mission was a success,” Annette says with a tired smile, but it’s far from her usual bubbly cheerfulness. “And everyone’s okay.”

 

“Oh, thank the goddess,” breathes Bernie. “I was getting worried since it’s so late.”

 

Annette yawns. “Yeah, it was a long day. I think I’m gonna head in first. Good night,” Annette says, pulling her door closed behind her.

 

Bernadetta turns to Dorothea. “Are you guys really okay? Um, no offense, but you don’t really look so good right now.”

 

Dorothea sighs, a far away look in her eyes. “To be honest, Bernie? It was kind of horrible. I mean, everyone is okay, there were a few injuries but Mercie patched everyone up. But to be in a real battle for the first time…” She shakes her head. “Despite all our training, I was scared. And… I killed someone today. We all did. I know they deserved it, but I just… I don’t know.” She casts her eyes downward. “Can I have a hug?”

 

Bernie is more than happy to oblige, wrapping her arms around the girl and noticing the way her arms tremble. She holds Dorothea tight, trying to convey all her love for her and relief that she’s okay in the gesture before Dorothea pulls away.

 

“Thanks Bern.” She gives a sad smile. “I’m pretty tired too, so I’m gonna turn in. Good night.”

---

Bernadetta puts the finishing touches on her latest watercolor and stands back to admire her work. Although she hated leaving her room, she had to admit that the scenery on the way to the flooded village had been particularly inspiring. And memorializing it with paints was the perfect way to unwind after all that time spent outside.

 

The students had gotten the day after the mission off to recuperate, and then it was back to classes. Despite their demeanor when they returned from the Red Canyon, it seems to Bernadetta that her classmates have returned to their usual selves. She is relieved; a world without a cheerful Annette and a warm, smiling Mercedes just seemed wrong.

 

If only the world could just be as peaceful and lovely as a watercolor landscape.

 

Just as Bernadetta sets the painting to the side to dry, there’s a knock at her door.

 

“Bernadetta? It’s Ingrid. May I speak with you for a moment?”

 

“Um, sure.. What is it?” Ingrid isn’t someone she talks to much. What could this be about?

 

“May I come in? It’s about our mission this past month,” she responds from outside the door.

 

Bernadetta blanches on both accounts. Ingrid in her room right now? Uh-uh. And talking about how she ditched their class for the mission? That’s not going to be a fun conversation. “Um, if it’s okay I’d rather just talk through the door…”

 

Ingrid heaves a frustrated sigh. Not a good sign. “Well, I wanted to ask you why you didn’t accompany our class two days ago. You signed up to be a part of this team, so I can’t understand why you wouldn’t participate.”

 

Bernadetta fidgets with her fingers, not that Ingrid could see. “Well, I, uh…,” she stammers, “I was too scared! I’m not ready to get in a real fight!” The words rush out like water from a bursting dam.

 

“Well if you feel you aren’t ready, why don’t I see you at training? I didn’t see you today either,” Ingrid says, and Bernadetta can just imagine her crossing her arms and tapping her foot like she always does with Sylvain and Felix.

 

“I… I just can’t today, okay? It’s too much. I really just need to stay inside today,” Bernadetta whines.

 

“So you won’t go on real missions and you won’t train. Why did you even come here then?” Ingrid retorts.

 

Bernadetta feels her face get hot as she remembers a similar incident with Felix not so long ago. She shouldn’t be surprised it’s happening again; of course all the competent people would wonder why this useless lump of a person is at the officer’s academy.

 

“I didn’t choose to come here. I was forced,” she says in a small voice.

 

After a brief silence, Ingrid’s response comes through the door. “I see. Well, I suppose not everyone has to be happy to be here, but training is crucial to your future. At some time or another, trouble will come your way. Would you rather have spent your time preparing, or wasting it away hiding?”

 

Bernadetta considers this. Ingrid does have a point, but... “Even if I did train, it wouldn’t do any good. Can you please leave me alone now?”

 

Another silence passes, and Ingrid agrees. “Very well. I’ll leave, for now.”

 

For now? I have a bad feeling about this.

 

---

 

Bernadetta exits her room, checking both ways for Ingrid before leaving as she’s been doing the last few days since their conversation. Today, like the last few days, there was no Ingrid, or anyone else for that matter. Maybe Ingrid had decided to give up after all. She definitely had better things to do than worry about someone like Bernadetta.

 

She picks up the book she was looking for from the library, but when she nears the dorms again her feet freeze along with the rest of her. The door to her room… is open.

 

Wait… 

 

Upon looking closer, Bernie can see that the door is completely gone!

 

A hundred scenarios race through her mind, each one more terrifying than the last. But as she looks to her right, Bernadetta realizes that the one threat she hadn’t accounted for, the one plot she had foolishly dismissed… was Ingrid, standing with her arms crossed and a smug grin on her face.

 

“By the look on your face, I can see that you’ve noticed that I removed the door to your room! There won’t be any hiding today. Come on, let’s head to the training grounds,” Ingrid says, taking a step towards Bernadetta.

 

Bernie takes a step back reflexively, raising an arm in defense. “You – you took the door to my room?! You’re way scarier than I thought!”

 

“Like me or hate me, I’m here to help you. Come along now,” Ingrid says, but as she takes another step, Bernadetta turns on her heel and bolts in the other direction.

 

“Wha – Hey! You’re not getting away from me that easily!” Ingrid calls, giving chase.

 

---

 

Thwack!

 

Felix’s training sword falls to the ground with a clatter as Leonie lands yet another hit on him.

 

“You’re too slow,” she states matter-of-factly, twirling her lance in one hand.

 

It’s an arrogant gesture, but she’s right. For all his technique and trying to predict her moves, she’s always one step ahead of him, her movements just a little bit faster. 

 

Felix retrieves his sword from the ground. “You’re right. Well, I know what to work on now. Thanks for sparring with me today.”

 

“No problem,” Leonie smirks. “Let me know when you think you can beat me and we’ll do this again.”

 

Swallowing a sarcastic remark, Felix racks his weapon and heads outside. There seems to be some sort of commotion; monks are jumping back and holding onto their scrolls as a blur of motion passes them.

 

Leonie comes out of the training grounds behind him. “Whoa, what’s going on out here? Is that – Bernadetta?”

 

It is, Felix realizes, and hot on her tail is Ingrid. Well, not so hot actually, as it seems Bernadetta is outpacing her.

 

“Eeeeeyyaaahhhhhh! Help!” Bernadetta screams, as the race passes in front of Felix and Leonie. Bernadetta shoots up a staircase and disappears behind the second floor buildings.

 

Ingrid stops at the bottom of the steps, bent double and panting. “Hah… Darn… I’ll never find her up there… Man, is she fast!”

 

Felix raises a hand to his chin, his gaze following the path Bernadetta had taken only moments before. “She’s that fast, huh?” he mutters to himself.

 

---

 

After hiding in one of the far towers for several hours, Bernadetta finally returns to her room. She sighs in relief. Someone had put her door back on its hinges.

 

She has her hand on the doorknob, so ready to sink into her blankets and pillows, when she hears footsteps coming down the hall towards her.

 

“Aah! Please no more!” she squeals, ducking her head instinctively. The footsteps stop, but whoever it is says nothing, so Bernadetta cautiously raises her gaze to see who it is.

 

“Felix?” She’s genuinely surprised. He’s not usually the sort to seek her out. 

 

Felix crosses his arms, and Bernie’s jaw drops at what he says next.

 

“You. Help me train.”

 

Notes:

Cue the anime "Ehhhhhhhhhhhh???" and pan up as startled birds fly away

You can also see that I like to rework the support conversations in slightly different ways ^^

Thanks for reading! xo

Chapter 7

Summary:

Bernadetta gets another scary training partner she didn't ask for.

“You. Train with me,” Felix says, his arms crossed.

 

“Um, w-what?” Bernadetta squeals, her mouth hanging open.

 

Felix relaxes his posture, moving one hand to his hip. “You’re fast,” he says. “I need to be faster. So train with me.”

 

Bernadetta cannot believe this is happening to her, especially with what had just happened with Ingrid. “M-Me? No, you’ve definitely got the wrong person, I’m no good at training at all.” 

 

Please please please PLEASE go away! Her fervent prayers hadn’t worked with Ingrid earlier, but it was worth another try.

 

Felix raises an eyebrow. “I saw you today, running all over the monastery with Ingrid. I’ve seen your speed with my own eyes.”

 

“Wha – ‘running around’?!” Bernadetta isn’t sure her jaw can drop any lower. “She was chasing me, there’s a big difference!”

 

Felix just shrugs. “The circumstances don’t matter. The fact remains that you’ve got a skill that I need to improve. We’ll start tomorrow.” With that, he thankfully turns and stalks off, but Bernadetta knows this is far from over.

 

With the immediate threat gone, she darts into her room, finally, finally diving beneath her covers and pulling them over her head. No one was going to hurt her in here, or make her do anything unreasonable or uncomfortable.

 

She gives herself a moment just to breathe and think of nothing after such an intense day. She had spent so many hours hiding, afraid of what would happen when she came out, only to be ambushed at the entrance to her sanctuary. But try as she might to empty her mind, thoughts of her tormentors keep creeping in.

 

Why was Felix paying her any attention? Why did Ingrid have to hound her like that? Don’t they know she has nothing to offer?

 

Bernie pokes her head out from under the blankets to look upon her steadfast friend, Carrie the carnivorous plant.

 

“I was just starting to like it here,” she confides in the plant. “Why is this happening now? Did I do something to offend the goddess?” She lets out a long-suffering sigh.

 

“We’ll start tomorrow.”

 

Bernie recalls Felix’s parting words with dread. Maybe she should skip class tomorrow…

---

Bernie has never really considered running to be her strong suit; hiding is more her thing. After all, that’s why she spends so much time in her room. 

 

Back when she was at home, she hid in her room as much as possible; if her father didn’t see her, maybe he wouldn’t think about her, talk to her, or punish her for being a useless daughter. Even when she knew it was futile, she would hide under bed until she was dragged out.

 

Back then, running wasn’t really an option. There was nowhere to go.

 

Now though, Felix keeps ambushing her so that she can’t hide in her room! Her strategy has been to lose him as fast as possible and find a suitable hiding spot to wait until it was safe to come out.

 

The problem is that that seems to be exactly what Felix wants. He keeps coming up with new ways to catch her off guard and then chase her until she inevitably loses him and finds a suitable hiding place. He doesn’t even seem mad, either. He seems to be enjoying it! And Bernie isn’t sure if that’s better or worse. But it's probably worse.

 

On Tuesday, Bernadetta did stay in her room all day instead of going to class, but when it was late enough that she thought it would be safe to go get some food, Felix was sitting outside her door and she ducked back inside with a squeak.

 

On Wednesday, she skipped class again but tried to leave her room when she thought Felix would be in class. No luck there; he saw her exit the dorms from the training grounds and charged after her.

 

On Thursday, she did go to class because the professor had stopped by to ask if she was unwell, and as soon as class had ended she bolted for the door, Felix close behind.

 

On Friday she was on her way back from the bathhouse and Felix stood ready for her, blocking her path to the door. Of course she turned and ran again, running for her life in sheer terror of course, but also pretty annoyed that she had to get all sweaty right after cleaning up.

 

On Saturday afternoon she had been assigned sky watch duty, and while getting so high up on a pegasus was already petrifying, Felix was lying in wait for her outside the stables when she was done.

 

On Sunday Bernie lies in bed contemplating if she can just stay here and not move for the entire day. It’s been nearly a full week of this, and she is exhausted. The worst part of it all is that he was getting closer to catching her with each passing day. And Bernie really did not want to find out what would happen when he finally caught up.

 

Some time after she had eaten her stolen rations for lunch (last time she went to the dining hall she took some extras so she wouldn’t have to leave her room as much), there is a knock at the door.

 

Bernie nearly drops her snacks and gives a small scream. “Waaugh! Who – who’s there?”

 

“It’s me, Ingrid,” comes the reply through the door.

 

“Oh no,” Bernie groans. “Please can we not do this today? It’s Sunday! It’s been such a rough week, can you cut me some slack?”

 

Ingrid clears her throat. “Um, I’d like to discuss something with you. I’d like to apologize for my behaviour the other day. May I… come in?”

 

“Is this a trap?! It totally is, isn’t it! I bet you’re working together with Felix, and as soon as I open the door, he’s going to be out there and he’s going to chase me all over the monastery!” Bernadetta clenches her hands into fists. “Nope, I am not falling for that! Whatever you have to say, please say it through the door!”

 

“Felix? Has he been giving you trouble? He isn’t here, but I will apologize through the door if that’s what you’d prefer.” Ingrid sighs. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry for removing your door. That was a bit much. And I shouldn’t have chased you all over the grounds either. It’s just that– there was a time, quite a while ago, when I was much like you and locked myself away in my room for hours.”

 

Bernadetta creeps closer to the door, her interest piqued. “Really? You did?” It was hard to imagine someone as confident as Ingrid shutting herself away like Bernadetta.

 

“Yes, I did. It was a time when I was really struggling, so since I could relate to you I knew I had to intervene.” Ingrid huffs out a determined breath. “I was able to find the courage to move forward thanks to my friends, and I wanted to extend the same helping hand to you, if I could. I… I’m sorry again for overstepping my bounds with you, though.”

 

Bernadetta chews on her lip. Ingrid had been trying to help her after all, even if the way she went about it was a little threatening. Imagining scary Ingrid as a recluse like her though… Bernadetta is curious.

 

She slowly opens the door just a crack, and sees Ingrid's eyes jolt up at the movement. “Um, you can come in, if you want.”

 

Bernadetta opens the door wider and makes room for Ingrid to come inside. She closes the door and sits down on her bed. She wants to ask Ingrid about why she would have shut herself away, but isn’t sure how to do that without being rude.

 

As she searches for words, Ingrid tucks her skirt under her and sits on the bed as well. It’s awkward for a moment.

 

“Thank you for inviting me in,” Ingrid says, breaking the silence. “Shall we call this a truce?”

 

Bernie perks up. “Oh! I like truces! Okay!”

 

Ingrid smiles at that. “Good. Now, I’m not going to force you or anything, but I do still think you should put some thought into taking your training more seriously. You’re more skilled than you think you are, and one day you may find that you or the people you care about are in trouble, and unless you’re prepared when that moment comes, you’ll be powerless to help anyone.”

 

Bernie listens to Ingrid’s lecture and looks down at her hands. She’s always been a powerless and helpless person all her life, and training isn't going to change that.

 

“I just… even if I did train, I’d still be useless,” Bernadetta says.

 

Ingrid smiles again, but her words are firm. “That’s not true at all! Look how fast you can sprint back to your room, and last week I couldn’t even catch you. And look around,” Ingrid gestures around Bernadetta’s room. “You’ve got plenty of skills on display in here and I’m sure there could be a creative use for them on the battlefield.” She picks up a knitted lion sitting nearby and smiles.

 

“Anyway, I really believe that if you stop wasting your time putting yourself down and put that energy into training, there’s a lot of power in you just waiting to be unleashed.” She sets the lion back down and looks up at Bernadetta with a determined look on her face. “I’m not giving up on you, Bernadetta. Just tell me when you’re ready and I’ll do anything I can to help with your training.”

 

Bernie feels herself go a little pink at so much praise. “Do you really believe all that?” she asks softly.

 

Ingrid nods with conviction. “I really do.”

 

Bernadetta takes a steadying breath and says, “Um, okay. I’ll do it for you, Ingrid.” She pauses sheepishly. “But um… maybe not today?”

 

Ingrid laughs. “That’s the spirit! Like I said, I’ll be there whenever you want my help.” She gets a twinkle in her eye and adds, “But don’t wait too long, okay?”

 

Bernie smiles weakly. “Okay. Thanks Ingrid.” 

 

It seems like Ingrid is going to stand up so Bernie voices the question she’s been wanting to ask the whole time. “Um, Ingrid? Can I ask you something?” When Ingrid nods she continues. “When you said earlier that you used to stay in your room all the time like me… Can I ask why? I just can’t imagine someone like you doing that.”

 

Ingrid settles herself back on the bed and nods thoughtfully. “I guess that’s a good question. I don’t mind answering.” She looks up toward the ceiling, her voice becoming soft. “Well, four years ago… Have you heard of the Tragedy of Duscur?”

 

“Mmm… only a little,” Bernadetta replies.

 

Ingrid nods again, still not making eye contact. “Okay. Well, the short story is that four years ago there was an attack on the royal family. Dimitri’s father, the king, as well as his mother, died. And… Felix’s brother, Glenn, too.”

 

Bernadetta listens with wide eyes. She knew that the king of Faerghus had died, but she had no idea that Felix had a brother, or that he had passed away. She realizes now what a personal question she had asked.

 

Ingrid continues. “You see, I was actually betrothed to Glenn from an early age. We were close. Glenn’s death affected all of us, but for a long time I could barely get out of bed each day. I wasted away my days, and it was only thanks to my friends that I got through it. I could see them working hard to become better and stronger, and I realized that there were still people I wanted to protect, that there was a world I wanted to help build.”

 

A somber silence fills the room as Ingrid finishes her story, Bernadetta’s plants and stuffed animals looking on.

 

After a beat, Bernadetta breaks the quiet. “I’m... sorry for your loss,” she says. “And I’m sorry I asked something so personal. But, um, I’m really grateful you shared that with me.” She feels like she can see Ingrid in a new light now. If someone who lost so much can be so strong now, then surely Bernadetta can put forward just a little more effort!

 

Ingrid shakes her head, dispelling the solemn atmosphere. “Think nothing of it,” she says, no trace of darkness in her voice. “Speaking of Felix though, didn’t you say something about him earlier? Is he bothering you?” Her voice takes on a threatening tone.

 

Bernadetta winces at the sudden change of topic. “Um, well, he said something about wanting me to train with him and he keeps chasing me around! So when you knocked on my door I thought maybe he had really come to get me this time,” she says timidly.

 

Ingrid cracks her knuckles. “He’s always been a bit of an idiot. I had noticed him acting strangely this week but didn’t realize he’d taken it so far.” She stands up and heads to the door. “Don’t worry, Bernadetta. I’ll have a talk with him,” she says, and pulls the door closed behind her.

 

For a second, Bernie was actually a little scared for Felix.

 

--- 

Felix is in the training grounds as usual. Since it’s Sunday, he figures Bernadetta would have even less reason than normal to leave her room, so rather than waste his time waiting her out, he spent the morning working on his footwork alone, and this afternoon he’s sparring with Leonie.

 

He’s pleased to notice that he has gotten faster since last week; Leonie has a much harder time landing hits on him and there’s a lightness in his movements that wasn’t there before.

 

But despite him holding out longer than usual, he still finds himself on the ground, a training lance pointing at his throat.

 

“Nope!” Leonie says cheerfully, lowering her lance. “You still can’t beat me.”

 

Felix stands, brushing dirt from his pants. “I’m getting closer though, admit it,” he replies evenly.

 

Leonie leans the butt of her lance on the training ground floor. “Hmm, I’ll admit it when I see it. Let’s spar again next week and we’ll see whether your improvement is still all talk.”

 

Felix growls at her teasing when he hears his name called out by Ingrid who just walked in. Did she want to spar? He could go for another round.

 

But when he sees the look on her face he can tell that’s probably not it. She’s probably here to give him an earful about something or other. Annoying.

 

Leonie must be able to read the look on Ingrid’s face too, because she quickly readies herself to leave. “I’ll… see you later, Felix. Good luck!”

 

The only thing luck could bring him when dealing with Ingrid was that hopefully she wouldn’t waste too much of his time.

 

Felix crosses his arms as Ingrid approaches. “Well? Let’s get this over with.”

 

Ingrid places her hands on her hips and fixes him with one of her stern looks. “I’m here to talk about Bernadetta.”

 

Felix’s surprise is betrayed by a raised eyebrow and his eyes widening slightly. “Oh, we’ve been training together. She’s fast,” he says, still impressed by that fact.

 

“Training together, huh?” Ingrid rolls her eyes. “Well that’s not how she sees it. She thinks you’re out to get her, chasing her all over the monastery all week!”

 

“Well, it probably just seems that way because she’s still faster than me. I’m almost able to catch her, though,” he smirks. This training plan had been a huge success as far as he was concerned. By next week he would certainly be able to beat Leonie, and anyone else for that matter.

 

Ingrid sighs frustratedly. “Felix, the girl is scared of you. Stop terrorizing her, would you?”

 

“Wait, where is this coming from?” Felix snaps, furrowing his brows into a glare. “Didn’t I see you doing the exact same thing last week, yelling about how she needs to train more? Well, she’s certainly getting some exercise. I don’t see what the problem is here.”

 

Ingrid flusters and turns red at the accusation. “What – that was – that’s completely different! Firstly, I only did it once. Secondly, we were having a conversation about training, I didn’t force her. And thirdly ,” she says, recovering smugly, “I apologized to her about it this afternoon. I’ll say it again, Felix. Stop. Terrorizing. Bernadetta.”

 

“What kind of conversation involves removing someone’s bedroom door?” he scoffs, and Ingrid visibly flinches at the reminder. “Yeah, I heard about that. I’m done listening to you lecture me, hypocrite.” 

 

Felix stalks off, Ingrid grinding her teeth angrily behind him. “Just leave her alone, got that?” she calls after him.

 

---

 

Monday after class, Felix cuts off Bernadetta’s path before she can exit the classroom. He stands there with his arms crossed, fixing her with a glare, saying nothing.

 

Bernadetta shrivels under his gaze, unsure why he isn’t saying anything, not knowing what he wants this time. Maybe Ingrid really did talk to him and now he’s mad at Bernie because of it? Her eyes dart around nervously, but it’s no good. Her only escape route is blocked off so there’s nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide.

 

After another moment, Bernadetta just can’t take it anymore. “U-um, what is it? Have you really come to kill me now?” she squeaks.

 

Felix unfolds his arms and sighs. “Ingrid said you’re scared of me. I guess she was right,” he says, monotone.

 

“U-um–well–I mean–that is– aaaah I’m sorry!” Bernie squeals. I guess he was mad that Ingrid told him off for me… Oh, I should have told her not to do that! Bernadetta closes her eyes and braces herself for whatever would happen next.

 

“Damn,” she hears him say. His voice isn’t as angry as she thought it would be, though. It sounds more… gentle? She risks cracking an eye open and finds that he looks disconcerted, one hand pushed back into his bangs. “Look, I–”

 

“Didn’t I tell you to stop bothering Bernadetta?” Ingrid comes up behind her with arms folded.

 

Other students in the class are starting to notice their standoff and come over to investigate.

 

“Is something the matter Felix, Bernadetta?” says Prince Dimitri, walking over and adding his mildly confused but still pleasant voice to the conversation.

 

Ugh, everyone is staring! Even the prince of all people! Bernadetta hadn’t enjoyed being chased all last week, but now she really, really wanted to run.

 

Dorothea comes to stand beside Bernie on the opposite side where Ingrid stood. “What’s this? Felix, if you’ve been messing with our Bernie you’re going to have to answer to me,” she says, her threat hanging in the air.

 

“Ugh, look,” Felix begins again. He looks irritated and exasperated, seemingly as bothered by all the attention as Bernadetta. He makes eye contact with her, as though she is the only other person in the room. “I guess I didn’t really let you say yes or no to training with me so I’m sorry about that. I would never – I was never trying to hurt you.” His gaze falters for a moment. “But it’s almost done – I’m almost as fast as you now after last week, so run with me one more time. That’s it.”

 

“Um, so, if I do it then you’ll stop chasing me?” Bernadetta asks shakily. She isn’t out of the woods yet but she’s starting to see and end to this miserable business.

 

“Chasing her?” Dimitri remarks, his strong voice concerned. “Felix, have you been harassing our classmate?”

 

Felix’s eyes snap to him. “This is none of your business, boar,” he snarls.

 

Ingrid steps protectively in front of Bernadetta, a warning in her eyes. “You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, Bernadetta. You shouldn’t have to race this guy just for him to leave you alone.”

 

The tension in the room is electric, and more than anything, Bernadetta just wants it to be over. Gone. Why was everyone worrying over her? She wasn’t worth it. She feels like the rope in a tug-of-war and she looks for the easiest way for one side to win, toppling over as all pressure is released.

 

“I’ll do it!” she blurts out, much to everyone’s surprise.

 

“Excellent,” Felix smirks.

 

“Are you sure, Bernie?” Dorothea asks. “You really don’t have to.”

 

Bernie nods mutely, gaze firmly on the ground.

 

“All right then,” Ashe says hesitantly, also trying to discharge the hostile energy from a moment before. “If it’s a race, shall we set some rules?”

 

The class files outside. One lap around the outside of the classroom building, Ashe standing at the finish line to declare the winner.

 

Bernadetta stands next to Felix at the starting point at the end of the courtyard. He turns to her.

 

“If you win, I’ll never make you train with me again. Deal?”

 

Bernadetta swallows. “Um, but, what happens if you win?” Her insides twist at the thought of what horrible punishment he might have in mind for her.

 

Much to her building dread, Felix just smirks. “You’ll find out when I beat you.”

 

Her heart nearly stops and Bernadetta glances around. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like anyone heard him. That’s not fair! She opens her mouth to argue –

 

“Okay, racers on your marks!” cries Ashe. Felix gets into position and Bernadetta swallows her protests and does the same. She would just have to run the fastest she ever had in her whole life if she wanted to survive.

 

“Get set! GO!”

 

Bernadetta bolts into action the second the word leaves Ashe’s lips, all her nerves coiling into a spring and propelling her forward. She risks a glance to her side and is satisfied to see that Felix is not in her peripheral vision.

 

She pushes past the end of the courtyard, dodging unsuspecting monks and students heading to the dining hall. She skids around the corner, pounding up the cobblestones in front of the dorms – please don’t let him catch me, please let me win!

 

But just as she offers up her frantic prayers, she can hear quick footsteps coming up behind her. Felix was gaining on her, so she pushed herself even harder, reaching each step as far forward as she could, her lungs straining against the effort.

 

As they round the corner passing the training grounds, Felix is just behind her. Bernadetta can hear his breathing, but doesn’t risk a look over her shoulder. This is it then. Life or death. Fast breaths and her pounding heart are all that fill her ears.

 

Bernadetta still has the lead as they approach the final corner – the finish line is just ahead. Bernie feels relieved for just a moment; she’s really going to do it! She’s actually going to win at something, and she’s going to be free!

 

She feels weightless like a thrown ball at the top of its arc, but as the footsteps behind her increase their pace and dark hair comes into her field of view, her stomach falls, accelerating at a dizzying pace.

 

No! She tries to push harder, but there’s nothing left to push. Felix surges past her just as they come up past Ashe, narrowly reaching the finish line before Bernadetta before both sets of footsteps slow unevenly to a halt.

 

“Felix is the winner!” Ashe announces. There’s some polite applause from some of the other Lions, but Bernie doesn’t hear it.

 

All she can hear is her own heavy breathing as she gasps down air, and Felix’s soft chuckle. “Heh. I actually beat you,” he says between heaving breaths of his own, bent over and leaning on his knees.

 

Once she has enough breath to speak, she asks after her fate. Hopefully he would at least make it quick and painless…

 

“What… What are you going to do now that you’ve won?” she asks, her voice trembling. She keeps her eyes fixed on the flagstones beneath her feet, too afraid to look at Felix while he delivers his demands.

 

“Oh,” he huffs. “Nothing. I wasn’t going to chase you anymore either way, but I figured you could use some motivation to really give it your all. That was a good race, thanks”

 

Bernie’s eyes widen. “What?” she gasps, her head snapping up to stare at Felix.

 

What she saw made her heart stop and her breath catch.

Felix Hugo Fraldarius was smiling .

Notes:

uhuhuhu things are gonna get fun now <3

Sorry this one took a little longer, I really wanted to get to that ending to set things up for next time!
The chase scene was very fun to write aha

Thanks again for reading! xo

Chapter 8

Summary:

Bernadetta sorts through her new feelings.

Notes:

A bit of a shorter one this week but I felt like it was a good stopping point!

Felix Hugo Fraldarius was smiling.

 

Bernie can still see it as she lies on her bed tucked safely away in her room, staring at the ceiling. Bernadetta doesn’t think she’s ever seen that expression on his face before. Has anyone else seen it before, or was it special for her?

 

Her heart jumps at the thought and her chest hurts like she’s got the hiccups. Bernadetta curls onto her side, clutching her pillow. Is she sick? The way she feels is similar to the panic she often feels when dealing with others, but it’s also very different.

 

Normally, she feels cold as the blood drains from her hands and face, and her heart squeezes in her chest and her limbs tingle with the urge to flee. But this… Her face is warm and she feels lightheaded, and her heart is fluttering as though she might lift off the ground.

 

It’s so weird! Why is it different now? Felix is scary just like every other person she doesn’t know well, scarier even, so why is it different?

 

But… maybe he isn’t scary in the end. That smile was a glimpse at a side of Felix that Bernadetta has seen before, like the soft center of a nut always hidden behind a hard shell.

 

The image of his smile, mouth turned up and eyes soft, pops into her head again and Bernie buries her face into her pillow. Whatever is going on with her, she wants to see that smile again.

 

---

 

Dorothea pulls her aside at lunch the next day. “So, how are you feeling today after your big race yesterday? You disappeared right after so I thought you might be upset and skip today, but here you are.”

 

Bernie forces a cheerful smile. “Nope, I’m totally fine!” she says, and it’s not a total lie. She wouldn’t say she feels normal … but she doesn’t feel bad. And if she’d stayed in bed then she’d have no chance to see Felix smile again, if it happened. Which it probably wouldn’t, she reminded herself. But just in case, she wanted to be around.

 

Dorothea hums as she takes a bite of her salad. “Well, that’s good, I suppose,” she says and looks over Bernadetta with an appraising gaze as she fidgets. “But if you’re not mad at Felix, or scared of him, is there a reason why you’ve been staring at him all morning?”

 

Bernadetta drops her fork, and stares wide eyed at Dorothea. Dorothea smiles sweetly back at her. “Uh, th-that’s – I’m not really sure what you’re talking about,” Bernadetta tries to evade. It’s true that her eyes had been slipping toward Felix all morning. But she didn’t think it had been so obvious!

 

Except for, um, the time Felix had caught her staring and she abruptly turned away. And um… that had happened twice.

 

“Come now Bernie,” Dorothea says, pointing her fork at Bernadetta to emphasize her words, “you can’t fool your best friend. Something’s going on, isn’t it?”

 

“I, uh… well…” Bernie stammered. It isn’t that she wants to keep secrets from Dorothea, but she also hasn’t quite figured out what’s going on yet either and isn’t quite ready to talk about it.

 

She is rescued from answering by Ferdinand who approaches their table, but Bernie knows that Dorothea isn’t done with her yet.

 

“Good afternoon Bernadetta, Dorothea! May I speak with you for a moment?” Ferdinand asks with his usual eagerness.

 

“Ferdinand,” Dorothea greets him flatly. “To what do we owe this pleasure.”

 

Ferdinand clearly hears the ice in her tone but continues with only slightly shaky confidence. “Last week Bernadetta here agreed to take tea with me, but as we have not yet settled on a date, I thought to ask if we might meet this afternoon, after classes are finished. You are also welcome to come, of course, Dorothea,” he finishes uncertainly.

 

Dorothea shoots an exasperated glance at Bernie. “Well, what do you say, Bern?” You can say no if you want passes silently between them.

 

Bernie peeks up at Ferdinand and then back to Dorothea. “U-um, yeah, let’s do it! Please come, Dorothea.” She had told Ferdinand she’d go for tea after all, and maybe it would be a good distraction from her, uh, distraction.

 

“Anything for you,” Dorothea says with a fond sigh.

 

---

 

Tea is surprisingly pleasant; Ferdinand asks after Bernadetta’s hobbies and very kindly expresses interest in each one, and Dorothea is only moderately snarky toward Ferdinand.

 

Ferdinand has brewed her favourite tea, Albinean berry blend. She doesn’t know how he found that out, but tea is his specialty after all. It’s nice that he was so thoughtful.

 

Bernadetta sips slowly and wonders what kind of tea Felix would like. If she could make it for him, would he smile again? Maybe she should ask Ferdinand for help, being the tea expert. Would that be weird?

 

“Bernie? Beeeeernie?” Dorothea calls, waking her from her reverie. “Where’s your mind floating off to today?”

 

Bernadetta jolts and sets her teacup down with a clatter, and she can feel herself blushing. She’s being terribly rude. Ferdinand is the one who invited her and she made Dorothea tag along too, and she’s sitting here thinking about Felix? Ugh! “S-sorry! What were you saying?”

 

“Do not worry yourself over it, Bernadetta,” Ferdinand says. “We simply noticed that you appear to be out of sorts. Your face seems a bit flushed as well. Are you feeling quite all right?” His well-trimmed eyebrows come together in worry.

 

“U-um, maybe the tea is just too hot still and that’s why I’m turning red,” Bernadetta lies, pressing one hand to her cheek.

 

Dorothea hums. “Ferdie, looks like maybe your brewing prowess isn’t as strong as you thought.” She seems pleased to have something to tease Ferdinand about.

 

“That cannot be!” Ferdinand protests, dismayed. “Ah, Bernadetta, if my error has caused you discomfort please accept my earnest apology.”

 

This is not how she wanted things to go! “It’s really all right! I’m really fine!” Now Ferdinand is feeling guilty because of her lie, because she can’t just focus on a simple conversation. Useless Bernie!

 

Dorothea turns to look at her properly – she’s going to see right through me! – and frowns. “Come to think of it though, you have been kind of out of it today. Are you really all right?” She presses a cool hand to Bernadetta’s forehead. “You are a little warm there. Maybe you should stop by the infirmary, just in case.”

 

Bernie can’t believe such a caring person is her friend, and she can’t believe she’s lying to said friend! She vows to tell Dorothea everything later.

 

She looks toward Ferdinand and he nods. “Please, your health is much more important than one tea party. Don’t worry about us.”

 

Bernadetta bites the inside of her lip. She doesn’t know how else to get out of this situation now… But maybe she is sick! Yeah! Maybe all these weird thoughts she’s been having all day really are just a fever dream!

 

“Okay! Um, I’ll go head over there, then. Thanks for the tea, Ferdinand. No, I can go by myself, Dorothea. Thanks.”

 

She grabs her satchel and scampers off, hopeful that her predicament has just become a hundred times simpler.

 

In her haste, she trips up the stairs to the second floor. Before she catches herself, another memory comes unbidden to her mind: the sensation of falling, a strong arm around her, a face only inches from her own.

 

Bernie reaches the top of the stairs. What was that about?! First it was just a smile, now a whole face and an arm? But not just any face, Felix’s face with those amber eyes like honey…

 

Bernadetta shakes her head and pats her cheeks in an attempt to wake herself up.

 

“Okay, focus Bernie,” she mutters to herself. “We can figure this out.”

 

She stands there, mentally tallying her symptoms. She’s suddenly reminded of…

 

“I’ve got to get to the library!” she cries out loud and races off, surprising a nearby nun.

 

Could this be what she thinks it is? It reminds her of a book she read a while ago where similar things happened to the main character. She needs to get her hands on that book again to confirm her suspicions. She hopes with a building dread that she’s wrong.

 

She scrambles through the shelves, desperately looking for the volume she needs. She lets out the breath she was holding when she finds it, and begins to flip through the pages.

 

“Oh, Bernadetta. Here to do some reading, I assume?” a cheerful voice calls from behind her.

 

Bernie wheels around to see Ashe approaching her. She clasps the novel to her chest. “Oh, um, yeah, something like that.” She’s trying to play it cool but is probably failing miserably.

 

“That’s great!” Ashe beams. “I’m an avid reader too. Maybe we could share some book recommendations some time!” Bernadetta forces a smile and nods. She begins to bounce on her toes impatiently while Ashe continues on in relaxed tones. “What have you got there? Oh, Cycles of the Moon ? Ah, into romance are you? That’s a great one, I particularly like the part where–”

 

“Um sorry I’vereallygottagobye!” Bernadetta pushes past Ashe to go through the book in her own room. She feels sorry for Ashe who was being really friendly, and normally she wouldn’t mind talking about books, but the whole situation is just really embarrassing and she’s got to get to the bottom of it. She’ll apologize and try to make up for it later.

 

--

 

Back in her room, Bernie finally finds the passage she was looking for. She reads it, then rereads it again. She groans, falling forward to hide her face in the pages of the book.

 

She doesn’t want it to be true. It sounds scary. And messy. And mostly scary. But also, when she closes her eyes and sees Felix and his rare smile… She can’t help but smile too. She feels excited, and her pulse quickens. 

 

She straightens up and closes the book, thinking just maybe, she’ll allow herself to be hopeful.

 

Because based on all the facts, she’s come to her conclusion:

 

Bernie’s fallen in love.

 

Notes:

Bernie and Felix sitting in a tree~

Also we'll be seeing more of Ashe next chapter, yay!

Chapter 9

Summary:

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach

and

Comforting a new friend

Notes:

Sometimes I feel like I should rename this fic "Bernadetta makes friends with everyone"

I apologize for nothing

She isn’t hoping for anything in return; that’s entirely out of the realm of possibility. Bernadetta can’t even imagine something so insane as Felix liking her back . Not someone like her. No, shoving that thought to the furthest recesses of her mind, all Bernie wants is to see him smile again. To find out what can make such a grouch let down his walls for just a moment.

 

“Are you sure?” Dorothea pouts. “You’re really not doing yourself justice sweetie, I think you’re a real catch.” She pinches Bernie’s cheek and smiles.

 

Bernadetta shies away and turns a bright red. “What? No way, no one in their right mind would ever l-like me. But um, anyway! That’s what I wanted to tell you about.” She rubs her arm nervously.

 

Dorothea leans back against her dorm room desk and sighs fondly. “Thanks for telling me, Bernie. I’m glad to hear you weren’t really ill but actually love sick!” Bernie groans and throws her arms over her face and Dorothea coos as she consoles her. “Sorry, I’ll stop teasing. And if you want any love advice, just let me know!” Dorothea winks.

 

“I-I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Bernadetta says sheepishly. “But um, thanks!”

 

It’s a relief to get it off her chest that she’s in lo– that she has a crush on Felix, to have her best friend in her corner if she needs her. Bernie doesn’t ever want to keep secrets from Dorothea.

 

Exiting Dorothea’s room, Bernie notices something on the ground in front of her door. Bending down to pick it up, she sees that it’s a book, and there’s a note on it:

 

Thought you might like this one! Let me know what you think. - Ashe

 

Bernie hurriedly steps into her room to get a better look at the book. It’s a romance novel; Bernie flips through the pages quickly to check that there are no hidden traps or other threats or blackmail hidden inside.

 

She sets the book down and sighs. Ugh, poor Ashe, why is she suspecting him of being so evil? She’s the one who was totally rude to him in the library earlier. This is so thoughtful, a book recommendation based on what she was reading before. Okay, that settles it! Bernie will definitely go apologize and make it up to him somehow later.

 

Bernie sits at her desk and opens the front cover of the book once more. This could actually be helpful – she was going to formulate a plan to get Felix to smile again and this could give her some ideas! She eagerly flips pages as her candle burns lower through the night.

 

---

 

Bernadetta surveys the kitchen before her, taking in the tools and ingredients she has to work with.

 

The majority of romance novels she’s read agree: the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. A bit cheesy maybe, but definitely a good place to start.

 

But what should she make? She doesn’t know what Felix likes, but she does know that he doesn’t like sweets. So that rules out baking.

 

“Oh, are you doing some cooking this afternoon? Need any help?”

 

Once again startled by someone approaching her from behind, Bernie turns and sees Ashe standing the doorway behind her.

 

“Oh! Ashe!” she gasps. “I’m so sorry!” she bows frantically.

 

Ashe holds his hands up like he’s trying to calm an excited animal. “Whoa, what’s this all about? What are you apologizing for, Bernadetta?”

 

Bernadetta rights herself and clasps her hands to her chest. “Well I… Yesterday, in the library, I just ran out on you while you were talking to me! I’m so sorry! Please punish me however you see fit!” She bows again.

 

Ashe touches her shoulder and guides her back to an upright position. “Oh, that? I figured you were probably in a hurry, no harm done. Oh, did you see the book I left by your door? I wasn’t sure if you’d like it but based on what you were reading yesterday I thought it might be a good guess.”

 

“Um, yeah I read it last night! I really liked it. Thank you for being so thoughtful!” Bernie says earnestly and resists the urge to bow again.

 

“It’s no trouble at all,” Ashe replies cheerfully. “I’m glad to hear you liked it! I’m quite a fan of romance novels myself, although what I really love is a good knight’s tale.” His eyes sparkle at the mention of it.

 

“Oh! Me too,” Bernadetta says, settling into one of her favored conversation topics. “I love all kinds of books, really. They can take you anywhere from the safety of your own room.”

 

“What do you think of Loog?” Ashe asks excitedly and laughs. “I’m always eager to talk anyone’s ear off I can about Loog.”

 

“That’s definitely one of the best knight’s tales, for sure,” Bernie says. “It was hard to come by in the Empire, but it’s nice to sit down and read all the volumes now that they’re all here at the monastery.”

 

“Oh, fantastic! What did you of the second book, when–” Ashe seems to remember something. “Wait, aren’t you here to do some cooking? Sorry, I’ve totally distracted you.”

 

“It’s all right!” Bernadetta assures him, waving her hands. “I actually wasn’t sure what to make. Maybe something, savory. As a snack. Something good for when you’re training?”

 

Ashe raises a hand to his chin. “Hmmm. I think I might know a few good recipes that could work. Want to try them out?”

 

They spend the morning cooking together and chatting about Loog, and Bernadetta is secretly very pleased with how well she’s getting along with Ashe all by herself with nobody’s help.

---

Clashing blades can mean many things to Felix: fury at the idiots who think it’s fine to die as long as it’s for the “right reason”; defiance as he pursues strength to keep him alive no matter what; and sometimes, it just feels good to move through the motions, his mind razor sharp even as his training blade is dull, enjoying the one thing he is truly good at in this world.

 

Today is that last kind of day, and only two things are annoying him. One, Sylvain isn’t trying nearly hard enough as his sparring partner, and two, someone has been staring at them for the last thirty minutes, trying and failing to go unnoticed. If they’re going to spy, they could at least be stealthier about it.

 

“You’re being lazy today,” he scowls at Sylvain as he holds his swordpoint to Sylvain’s throat yet again, addressing the first problem. As for the second, he can’t be bothered to force someone to talk when they won’t do it themselves.

 

Sylvain pushes the training sword away as he yields. “Nah, you’re just sooo good at sword fighting, Felix!” he replies playfully, intentionally trying to rile Felix up. It works; Felix is once again reminded that his childhood friend may end up dying on the battlefield because he hasn’t been taking training seriously like Felix.

 

But before Felix can snarl out a response, Sylvain leans in and says, “Have you noticed our spectator? I’m just making sure you look good in front of her!” He winks, then stands back and raises his arm in greeting. “Hey, Bernadetta! Here to check out our totally amazing swordplay skills?” He moves to lean his arm on Felix’s shoulder and Felix shrugs him off immediately, Sylvain stumbling slightly before catching himself again. 

 

They hear a shriek from behind the pillar where Bernadetta is hiding. “I-I’m not here! You didn’t see anything!”

 

Felix sighs and places a hand on his hip. Looks like training is being interrupted anyway. “We’ve known you were there for the last half hour. Just come out already and say whatever you came here to say,” he says.

 

She pokes her head around the pillar, cautious and curled into herself. She’s like a cat that’s easily spooked – not that Felix cares if she gets spooked or not.

 

She approaches them slowly, stealing the occasional glance up at them from the floor. “Um, I was making roasted nuts as snacks for my friends, and I had some extra! I thought you might like some since they’ve got lots of protein, and they’re not sweet!” She attempts a cheerful smile but ends up looking a little manic.

 

“Hey, that was really thoughtful, thanks,” Sylvain says a little more gently to put her at ease. He takes the bag of nuts Bernadetta held out and pops one in his mouth. “Hey, these are pretty good! Here, Felix, eat some.”

 

He hands, or rather shoves, the bag at Felix and Felix rewards him with a carefully neutral look in return; he doesn’t want to spook Bernadetta either. It doesn’t really matter, but he’s not generally one to go around scaring cats.

 

He raises his eyebrows in pleasant surprise when he takes a bite. “It’s not bad,” he admits. These are pretty good for during training, actually.

 

“Thanks,” he says, turning back to Bernadetta. “I’ll eat these.” She keeps dropping her gaze whenever she tries to bring her eyes to meet his. Was she still scared of him? But then why bring the nuts?

 

“Hey, share some with me,” Sylvain protests, reaching for the bag again as Felix jerks it away from him.

 

“Okay well, I’m glad you liked them!” Bernadetta blurts before scampering off again. “Bye!”

 

The two boys watch her dash out of the training grounds. “She is a funny one, that Bernadetta. But at least she’s trying, I guess,” Sylvain says, raising his arm to lean on Felix again.

 

Felix ducks out from under Sylvain’s arm and catches him in the ribs with his training sword as he stumbles. “She’s trying harder than you.”

 

---

 

“Ashe!” Bernadetta calls, out of breath. She’d been looking for him everywhere, and finally found him in the cathedral. “I think he liked them! I wouldn’t say he smiled exactly, but maybe if I keep bringing them to him… Wait, are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

 

When she had left Ashe in the dining hall earlier, he had waved her off with a cheerful smile. Now he looked pale, slumped over in a pew.

 

“That’s great to hear, Bernadetta,” he returns with a weak smile that does nothing to disguise his unease. “I’m okay, really. It’s just that… The professor just told me about this month’s mission.”

---

The mission to Gaspard was just as awful as Bernadetta had imagined. The uncertainty, both from the impossibly thick fog, and the question of whether they were doing the right thing made a dissonant chord with the sounds of clashing steel and the cries of the dying. 

 

The professor had assigned her to stick with Annette since it was her first real mission, and Annette was so fast and strong that Bernie didn’t end up firing a single arrow. She didn’t know whether to feel ashamed at being dead weight, or relieved that she didn’t actually kill any of the militia. So she felt both.

 

But the worst thing of all was Ashe’s face when the professor finally cut down Lord Lonato. When words and faith and familial trust all let him down.

 

No one knew what to say to him on the march back to the monastery, rain still drizzling down in a miserable mist that seeped through the students’ clothes and into their bones.

 

All the following week, he hunched over the desk in the back row of the classroom every day, pushing his quill around listlessly and sighing as though the sound might hold the answers to his questions.

 

They barely see him in the dining hall either.

 

“I hope he’s eating,” Mercedes says, a soft frown creasing her face in concern. “I just see him in the cathedral any time we’re not in class. We should really check up on him and make sure he’s okay.” The rest of the girls nod.

 

Worry for her new friend takes over Bernadetta’s thoughts as she absently sketches in her room later that night. (The sketch’s subject may or may not be someone she knows. From her class. With raven-dark hair and a breathtaking smile.)

 

She sets the sketch aside. She’s really not in the mood; she’ll finish it later.

 

What could she do to make Ashe feel better? Seeing him inconsolable for the last week reminds her of when her uncle passed. The one person in her world who she could trust, who made her feel safe, had suddenly disappeared forever. She hadn’t felt much like eating then either.

 

What would she have wanted back then?

 

---

The next night, Bernadetta heads to the cathedral to find Ashe in the place he’s been haunting day and night. She finds him on the bridge crossing the river, staring up at the moon in the cool evening air. In her arms she hugs a crocheted dog to her chest and finds the courage to approach him. She might not be able to do much, but she’ll do what she can.

 

“Hey um, how are you doing?” Bernadetta ventures. Ashe looks over at her as she steps up to him. Bernadetta can see the dark circles ringing his eyes. “You don’t – have to answer that, sorry. Dumb question.”

 

Ashe looks down, making a sad attempt at a smile. “No, it’s all right. Thank you for asking after me.” He sighs. “I can’t say I’m doing well, though. I just… don’t understand .” His voice breaks on the last syllable and Bernadetta’s fingers tighten around the soft doll in her arms.

 

When Bernadetta’s uncle died, there was no one on her side anymore. The thing she remembered most about his absence was how absolutely alone she had felt. It had weighed upon her until the air felt thick and she couldn’t breathe. 

 

She has nothing helpful to say, so she stands beside Ashe and turns to face out over the water, looking up at the moon too. Just to be there.

 

After a moment Ashe speaks again, and Bernadetta can hear the tears in his voice. “I remember him as such a good man. So why – why did he do this? And why didn’t the church try to talk to him, or try to spare the militia? It doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe anymore.” He hurriedly wipes his nose on his uniform sleeve.

 

A beat passes. The river flows beneath them.

 

“I think,” Bernadetta begins softly, “and you can totally just ignore me if what I’m saying is stupid, but I once lost someone really close to me too and the thing that got me through it was remembering all the really good times we had together. All the memories you have of him are real. You remember him as a good man, and no one can take that away from you. Not everyone gets to have a good man as their father, so I think it’s really wonderful that you were able to have that.”

 

Silence falls again, and Bernadetta remembers what she’s holding in her arms, “A-anyway,” she stutters awkwardly, “I made you this. Just to remind you that you’re not alone.”

 

She holds out the stuffed dog, and Ashe gingerly takes it as though holding something precious before cradling it to his chest. He looks up at Bernadetta fiercely through his tears.

 

“Goodnight,” Bernie says. She lingers for a moment in the stillness of the moonlight.

 

Just as she’s about to turn to leave, Ashe rushes forward and pulls her into a tight hug.

 

“Thank you,” he sobs into her shoulder.

 

Notes:

Don't worry, Ashe is not a romantic interest in this fic I promise lol
They're just good frens and he's an affectionate boi

Thanks for reading! xo

Chapter 10

Summary:

In which Bernadetta's father pays a visit to the monastery, and Felix says hell a lot.

Notes:

Daddy Varley shows up in this chapter, so CW for child abuse in the italicized sections, and panic attacks, which are from Felix's POV. I don't think any of it is too graphic but please be careful as you go.

A closed door at the end of the hallway. A hand forcefully pulling her, dragging her closer. She knows better, knows that struggling will only make it worse, but the fear inside her keeps bubbling over and she digs in her heels and bites her lip to keep from crying out. A weak whimper escapes her throat instead.

 

Her defiance only earns her a hard yank on her wrist, as she’s thrown in front of the door, painted black oak with a lock on the outside.

 

“Now, Bernadetta,” comes her father’s predatory voice, already lanced through with searing anger. “Must I repeat the instructions for you?”

 

---

 

Bernadetta’s fountain pen scratches animatedly over the paper, her tongue stuck out slightly as she puts the finishing touches on the latest chapter of Elincia: Warrior Princess . Elincia is loosely based on Petra; Bernie supposes that Edelgard is also technically a warrior princess, but Petra is more approachable and friendly like Bernie wants the character to be.

 

She’s trying to keep the character not too much like Petra so that no one can tell it’s her, because she’s going to introduce a romance plotline later, and if anyone read it and thought she was matchmaking her classmates… Not that anyone will ever read her writing, she’ll make sure of that. What a laughable thought!

 

Bernie lays her pen down and sets the paper aside to dry. She stretches contentedly; when she thinks about it, she’s actually surprised by how relaxed she feels. 

 

Things have been going well for her at the academy lately. Sure, she’s not as comfortable outside her room as in it and probably never will be, but she knows she’s safe here. She’s got way more friends than she ever thought possible, and they’re all so friendly and nice. 

 

Her thoughts turn to Ashe; Bernadetta and all the other Blue Lions are relieved that Ashe has started feeling better. He still spends a lot of time in the cathedral, but he’s been eating more and he’s started smiling again, even if it’s not as much as before.

 

Bernie has also taken up Ingrid’s offer of help with training, which… got off to a rough start, but it’s gotten a lot better since the professor suggested having Bernie focus on dodging attacks in close combat, rather than trying to wield a lance or sword. Berndetta is more surprised than anyone at how well she’s been picking it up, and while she’s got a long way to go, she should at least be a little more useful on the next mission.

 

Operation: Make Felix Smile has been going pretty well too. So far she’s seen two more real full smiles, the best success being when she showed him one of the monastery cats that’s pregnant with kittens (whom Bernie has named Pickles). The other smile happened when Sylvain tripped over his own feet and fell face first on the floor, so she can’t really claim credit for that one. But it was still nice to see.

 

Bernadetta is still smiling with that image of Felix in her mind when a loud BANG BANG BANG! at the door startles her.

 

Closely followed is Dorothea’s panicked voice: “Bernadetta!” She sounds out of breath. “This is bad – I don’t know why, but your father is here!”

 

---

 

Surely she can do it this time. Surely, it shouldn’t be that hard to just be silent for five hours. That’s not that long, right?!

 

But it’s so dark in here. She can’t see the walls or the floor, and if she could have lifted a hand in front of her face she wouldn’t be able to see it. The faint strip of light coming from under the door is of course behind her, so she can’t see that either.

 

All she can hear is the sliding of the ropes against her arms, her chest, her wrists, her ankles. They’re too tight, they hurt – she can’t breathe –

 

She tries in vain to draw in air but every time her ribcage hits the rope, there’s not enough room, there’s not enough air –

 

Her breathing comes in faster and faster gasps, until like a bellows stoking a flame the fear inside her can’t be contained anymore, she’s not even thinking anymore, all she can feel is not enough air –

 

She doesn’t even hear her own cries, her pleas for help until the door behind her slams open, and all she earns for her trouble is a blow to the side of her head.

 

---

 

Felix tosses another unopened letter from his father onto the pile on the corner of his desk. There’s no use in opening it. If it's anything like the first few letters he sent, it’s just full of meaningless drivel like, “Get along with Dimitri” (translation: throw your life at his feet) and “Make some friends” (rub elbows with other nobility). He’s not about to give up his life for anyone any time soon, and connections with a bunch of stuck up snobs isn’t going to protect him from a sword in the gut or being roasted alive by a fireball.

 

It’s infuriating how focused Rodrigue is on sucking up to the top tier of society instead of protecting the commoners under his care. Those letters are a waste of paper and ink; Felix should just throw them all into a fire, it would be a better use for them. He’s not sure why he hasn't done it yet.

 

Sulking about his pathetic father won’t help him either though, so Felix heads to the training grounds to turn his energy to something productive.

 

On his way from the dorms, Felix notices a number of his classmates standing around, arms crossed or toes tapping and looking out across the grounds. Mercedes by the dining hall, Dorothea on the dock, Annette standing outside her room. Even Ingrid seems to be posted outside the training grounds, waiting for something.

 

He doesn’t know what’s going on that’s got his classmates wasting their time, but he doesn’t care. That just means more room in the training grounds for him. He locks eyes with Ingrid but says nothing as he pulls open the heavy wooden door.

 

Lucky for Felix, the training ground is empty. Unusual for this time of day, but this is how Felix likes it. 

 

He heads to the equipment room to grab some training dummies and a practice sword, and as he enters the doorway he notices something odd for the third time that day. First he notices that none of the torches in the sconces are lit, which might not be that weird, but then he notices something else – the sound of sniffling and stifled sobs coming from inside the room.

 

“Who’s there?” Felix calls, because what the hell else is he supposed to do? He hates getting involved in people’s business – goddess forbid that this is some lovesick sap who got dumped – but something about the panicked crying coming from the dark equipment room has his hackles raised and tells him that something is very wrong.

 

He hears a scream, and at this point it’s one he’s familiar with. Despite being in their class for how many months now? Bernadetta still screams every time anyone comes up behind her. It’s the same scream as the one he just heard.

 

“Bernadetta? What’s going on?” Felix removes one of the torches from a sconce and moves to scrape it against the wall to light it.

 

“No! Please don’t light that!” Bernadetta’s voice breaks on the last word, and Felix can hear panic in her voice. More than normal.

 

It’s dark; he can’t see where Bernadetta is and he has no idea what the hell is going on. He swallows a growl and shoves the torch back onto the wall. He follows the sound of her sniffling, edging slowly through the dark room, and finds Bernadetta in a far corner behind a crate of equipment.

 

He kneels down to where she’s curled up with her knees pulled up to her chest, hands cradling her head. In the weak light from the doorway, he can’t see the tears running down her face, but he can hear her breath coming in gasping sobs.

 

Felix can’t even remember the last time he saw a girl cry. Probably Ingrid when – never mind. He didn’t know what to do then and he still doesn’t, but he feels like if he makes a wrong move, Bernadetta will shatter like glass.

 

Bernadetta pulls him from indecision by reaching out and pulling on his sleeve with one trembling hand. “Please,” she pleads. “Don’t let him find me. Don’t let him take me back there!” Her face is still buried in her knees, her one hand reaching out like a lifeline.

 

Felix’s blood begins to boil. “Who? Who’s going to take you somewhere?” he growls, soft but insistent. “Tell me who it is and I’ll go cut them down myself.” Who could be targeting Bernadetta? It must be bad if she’s been reduced to this shivering mess. If Felix gets his hands on whoever this guy is there will be hell to pay.

 

Bernadetta shakes her head and struggles to speak. “I… I can’t… Please, just – ngh.” She dissolves into sobs again.

 

Felix gently pries her hand off his sleeve and stands. “Whoever it is, I’ll stop them. Just stay here,” he says resolutely. She’s asked for his protection, and Felix will be damned if he lets her down.

 

He storms out of the training grounds and sees Ingrid, still by the door. Isn’t she Bernadetta’s friend? What in the saints’ name is she doing just standing there?

 

He whirls around to face her. “Bernadetta –” he starts, but he’s cut off when Ingrid hisses, shoving a hand over his mouth, the other hand gripping his arm.

 

“Lower your voice!” she snaps.

 

Felix pulls away from her and hisses back, “What the hell is going on? Why is Bernadetta like – like that in the equipment room, and you know about it and you’re not doing anything about it?”

 

Ingrid looks down both pathways for something before turning back to Felix, her fingers still digging into his bicep. “Her father is here,” she says gravely. Felix freezes in Inrid’s grasp. Father troubles are something he’s familiar with, but that kind of reaction is on a whole other level. It’s not hard to imagine what sort of things he must have done to Bernadetta to make her so afraid of him.

 

“Where is he?” Felix snarls, moving his hand to his sword and struggling to free himself from Ingrid’s hold on his arm.

 

Ingrid jerks him back again. “What are you planning to do? Challenge him to a duel and create an international incident?” she says. “Do you really think that’s going to help Bernadetta right now?”

 

Felix grinds his teeth and tightens his grip on his sword hilt. Ingrid is right, but fighting is the only way he knows how to solve these kinds of problems. “What the hell else am I supposed to do then, when she’s in there probably getting dehydrated from crying so hard?”

 

“I actually didn’t realize that she’d hidden in there,” Ingrid looks genuinely surprised. “But you should ask Dorothea, I saw her last by the fishing pond, keeping an eye on everything. She’s the one organizing all of us. And you could maybe get Bernadetta some water.”

 

She releases him then, and Felix storms off to find Dorothea. She’s moved up to the railing outside the dining hall, appearing casual but he can see her eyes on alert, watching any movement intently.

 

She looks up as Felix approaches. “Oh, hi Felix. Normally I’d be thrilled that you came to talk to me first, but I don’t really have time for your prickly personality today.”

 

Felix crosses his arms. He doesn’t have time for this either. “I know what’s going on,” he says. “I know where she is. Ingrid said I should ask you how I can help.”

 

Dorothea turns to face him fully, surprise clear on her face. “Oh, well in that case…” She thoughtfully brings up a hand to cup her cheek. “I think we’ve mostly got the bases covered. The plan is to keep the count distracted for as long as possible, because he said he can only stay for a few hours. Ferdie kept him occupied for nearly an hour just talking about current affairs in the Empire, bless him, and I’ve got Annette by the dorms, Mercedes in the dining hall, Ashe in the library, Dimitri and Dedue in the cathedral, and I guess you saw Ingrid by the training grounds. The idea is to just bounce him around all over the monastery until he gives up and leaves. If it comes down to it I’ll get the professor to deal with him.”

 

Felix grunts. It’s not a plan that he’d come up with… but it might work. Still doesn’t leave him with anything to do though.

 

“As for you, hmm,” Dorothea says. “If you know where she is, could you maybe just go and sit with her, make sure she’s okay?” she says, her voice full of kindness for Bernadetta. “I’d go myself, but I really want to make sure she stays safe and that this plan goes smoothly. Speaking of, I’m going to go check on where that bastard is. Thanks, Felix.”

 

She pats him on the arm and heads through the dining hall doors, leaving Felix wondering at how he’s supposed to make sure Bernadetta is okay. It doesn’t involve swords, or getting angry at anyone. But he at least remembers Ingrid’s suggestion, and heads into the dining hall himself, pulling out his waterskin.

 

---

 

Her head throbs. The throbbing is so loud, it must be audible out in the hall – no! She mustn’t let him hear her. She mustn’t draw his attention. 

 

She crawls under her bed, wrapping her head in blankets to muffle it, to dampen the sound of the horrible throbbing. It’s so dark here too, but she’ll stay here as long as she needs to, and at least she can breathe...

 

---

When he returns to the training grounds, he can still hear Bernadetta’s sniffles and frantic breathing coming from the equipment room. He stands in the doorway, wondering if he’s really the right person for this job. But there’s no one else to do it, apparently, so he announces himself from the doorway: “It’s Felix.”

 

He hears a small hiccup from the back corner, which he supposes is better than a scream.

 

He makes his way to the corner where he knows Bernadetta is curled up, and slowly lowers himself to the ground, straightening one leg out and leaning against the wall.

 

Bernadetta’s sniffling slows somewhat, although her breathing is still coming fast. Felix can hear her shift in the dark. He sits awkwardly for a few moments, trying to think of what to say as Bernadetta’s breathing fills the otherwise silent room.

 

When he doesn’t say anything, she takes a few deep enough breaths to ask, “F-Felix… Has he really come to take me away?” Her voice turns to a whisper on the last words.

 

Felix rushes to quell her panic. “No – no, I just came to… give you some water.” He holds up the waterskin. “I thought you might be thirsty, with all the crying.” Goddess, he sounds so awkward.

 

“Oh,” she says softly. “I guess I am kind of thirsty.” Her eyes must be well adjusted to the dark by now, because she takes the skin without fumbling. Felix can’t tell if her hands are shaking or not.

 

After the sound of drinking finishes, they lapse again into silence. Her breathing seems more normal so Felix hopes that’s a good sign? But he’s also not an expert on breathing. Maybe it would be better if Mercedes were here. Or literally anyone else besides him.

 

Another moment passes, and Bernadetta speaks again, voice still shaky. “Um, you don’t… have to stay here with me, I’m sure you’ve got lots of better things to do.”

 

“It’s fine,” is all Felix says. It seems like his presence isn’t all that effective after all, but apparently there isn’t a better way for him to help. What would Sylvain do if he were here? He’s good with people. Maybe… something to distract her?

 

“So, how come you’ve been following me around so much lately?” he asks at an attempt at distraction. He is kind of curious, though. She’s been bringing him snacks and book recommendations, offering to patch his clothes when he tears them in training, and showing him her favorite cat which is inexplicably named Pickles. It doesn’t necessarily bother him, but… “I thought you were scared of me?”

 

Bernadetta lets out a little squeak and Felix wonders if he made the wrong move. “I-I wasn’t following you!” she blurts.

 

Normally Felix would have argued with that, but it seems like this line of questioning is actually making her more anxious. “Okay,” he says.

 

A beat passes before Bernadetta speaks again. Her voice is slightly steadier when she says, “I just – um, I wanted to see you smile again! I-I’m not scared of you.”

 

That’s the reason? “Hmph. It’s not terribly convincing when you stutter like that,” he says, trying to tease but it comes out kind of flat. Saints, he is bad at this. “But you really just wanted to see me… smile? Really?”

 

“Um, yeah,” Bernadetta says, her voice rising in pitch again. “Why, is it bothering you? Do you want me to stop? Oh, you’re probably really angry! I’m so sorry!” 

 

Wait, how did this get so out of hand? “Uh, no – stop! I’m not angry, it’s fine.” Felix lets out a long-suffering sigh. “Geez, I came here to make you feel better but I’m probably just making things worse. I’m probably the one bothering you.”

 

He runs a frustrated hand through his hair but stops in surprise when he hears a faint giggle coming from Bernadetta’s direction. He was expecting to hear her crying again, not laughing. It’s a rare sound, like a wind chime tinkling in the still air of the equipment room.

 

“Wait, are you making fun of me?” he asks, not that he can do anything about it right now even if she is. But he’s surprised to find he’s not even really mad about it, he’s so relieved to hear her laugh.

 

“No, no, I promise I’m not,” she says, and Felix thinks he can see her waving her hands. “It’s just – I’m just really happy that you came to make me feel better.”

 

Really? “Oh. Okay, then.” Maybe he was doing something right after all, but he’s at a loss as to what that is. 

 

“Why don’t you… talk about stuff you like,” Felix says. 

 

Bernadetta shifts again. “Oh, um, you want to hear about that?” she says with what sounds like disbelief.

 

“Well, I figured it would help keep your mind off… other things,” Felix says. He picks at the buttons on his uniform. Asking people about themselves and making small talk are definitely out of his wheelhouse, but whatever he’s doing seems to be working so he may as well keep going.

 

“Okay, well, have you ever heard of carnivorous plants?”

 

---

 

“... so I love using oil paints, but they’re really expensive so most of the time I just use watercolors. Wait, did you fall asleep? Oh no, I totally bored you to sleep, didn’t I? Ugh…” Bernadetta lets out a groan.

 

“I’m not asleep,” Felix says. “I’m just… not great at talking.”

 

“Oh, yeah, me neither,” she quietly agrees, but you wouldn’t have known it from all the talking she’d just finished.

 

It was hard to tell how much time had passed in the darkness of the equipment room, but in that time Felix had heard Bernadetta speak more than he had in all their other interactions combined. He had no idea she was even capable of stringing that many words together in one go.

 

Over the last however many minutes or hours, he’d learned (with occasional prompting to keep going) she had interests in gardening, cooking, sewing, animals, music, reading, and painting, and he wouldn’t be surprised if there was more. To the untrained eye, Bernadetta was just a panicky little waif, but hidden underneath all that was this colorful personality.

 

It was kind of unfathomable to Felix, to have so much energy for so many things, when he himself really only had one interest (which was swords, obviously). But it was surprisingly refreshing to hear her get so animated over plants in the greenhouse and her favorite stories and the cats around the monastery.

 

It occurs to Felix that their fathers had unwittingly gifted them each a hard shell, built to keep others out. When you stripped them away, Bernadetta was bright and shining in her enthusiasm, and Felix was… well, Felix.

 

Footsteps on stone drew both of their attention to the doorway, Bernadetta tensing again.

 

“Hey, are you still in here?” comes Dorothea’s relieved voice. When they answer, she lights a torch with a snap of her fingers and moves toward them. “Everything’s all clear, Bernie. Your dad said he came to see if you were getting anything out of your time here, and since you were apparently so busy he couldn’t even get a hold of you, he figured you’re getting enough of an education and went home! The professor told him you’re doing great in class, too, so I don’t think he’ll be bothering you any time soon.”

 

Bernadetta puffs out a laugh that might have been a sob, as Felix helps her to her feet. He keeps a hand near her elbow just in case her wobbly knees give out. Dorothea reaches them and wraps Bernadetta in a hug, and Bernadetta collapses into her, crying again. Felix is no expert, but he assumes that this time they’re happy tears? Relieved tears? (How many kinds of tears are there?)

 

Dorothea rubs soothing circles on Bernadetta’s back with one hand and pats her hair with the other. “There, there,” she coos. “Let’s get you back in your room and tuck you in, mkay?” Bernadetta nods into her shoulder. As they turn to leave, Dorothea looks at Felix without any of her usual guile. “Thanks so much, Felix. I’ll take it from here.”

 

He watches them leave, then realizes he’s standing around in an empty equipment room and heads back to the dorms behind them. Ingrid is gone from her post. He can see Bernadetta, farther down the path, leaning into Dorothea’s shoulder, and as they reach her room Annette rushes up to engulf Bernadetta in a hug as well.

 

As he returns to his room alone, Felix’s eyes are drawn to the stack of letters on the corner of his desk. With one hand he slides them off the edge and watches as they fall to the floor.

Notes:

In Felix and Bernadetta's C support, there's a couple lines that goes along the lines of:
Bernadetta -Please don't kill me!
Felix - Who's going to –

And I just love that in that moment he's totally going to spring to her rescue from whoever is going to hurt her before realizing what's going on. Felix is so protective and I love him <3

Thanks again for reading! If you're heading back to school in the next few weeks I wish you the best of luck and good mental health xoxo

Chapter 11

Summary:

Bernadetta thanks Felix for his help.

Notes:

This chapter is

JUST

FLUFF

Bernadetta spent the whole next day in her room, although for once she had actually wanted to leave. She wanted to find Felix and thank him for helping her so much, but Dorothea insisted that she spend the day resting after her ordeal. “And don’t forget to thank the rest of your classmates too,” she reminded her gently.

 

Dorothea definitely had a point – Bernie had to admit she was feeling pretty weak – and so Bernadetta spent the rest of the day in bed coming up with ways to thank everyone. Dorothea needed a special thank you too, since she had gotten everyone organized to make sure that her father never got anywhere near her. What did Bernie do in her past life that the goddess blessed her with such a wonderful best friend? Perhaps she should crochet a doll for her, something really cute. Maybe some kind of songbird..?

 

Bernadetta doesn’t feel up to going to class today either, but the professor comes by at lunch time to tell her it’s all right and give her the notes from the lecture. Bernadetta makes sure to thank him profusely – both for his understanding and his help with the incident with her father.

 

When class is over for the day, Bernadetta slips out of her room for the first time in two days, squinting at the sunlight. Dorothea is approaching from the direction of the classrooms.

 

“Oh hey Bern,” she calls out when she gets close enough. “Feeling ready to step outside?”

 

Bernie waves back in greeting. “Mhm,” she hums. “After all, I was assigned gardening duty in the greenhouse, and I don’t want to let down my partner.”

 

Dorothea frowns. “Are you sure, hon? I’m sure whoever it is will understand if you aren’t up to it,” she says.

 

“U-um, well, I actually like the greenhouse so it won’t be that bad,” Bernadetta says, fidgeting with her fingers. “But also I was actually assigned with Felix this week so I thought it would be a good chance to say thank you!”

 

A sly smile creeps over Dorothea’s face. “Ohh, I see how it is,” she smirks. “Well, don’t let me keep you then. Have a good time!” And with that she glides past Bernadetta and into her room.

 

“It’s not like that..!” Bernadetta mumbles to her closing door. Isn’t it like that, though?

 

Bernie shakes her head to clear her thoughts. She should stay focused on the task at hand: thanking Felix properly!

He’s already in the greenhouse when she arrives, reading over the instructions left by the head gardener.

 

As she nears him she can hear him mumbling, “Don’t water the Duscur roses but be sure to give the hydrangeas lots of water. Only a moderate amount for the lavender and violets. Wait, what? Which one is which? And how much is a moderate amount of water?”

 

“Need some help?” Bernadetta asks timidly from behind his shoulder. Felix visibly startles, and Bernadetta can’t help but smile since she’s usually the one getting surprised, not the other way around.

 

Felix seems surprised that she’s the one standing behind him, his eyes wide and mouth relaxed from its usual scowl. “Bernadetta,” he greets her. “I didn’t expect to see you here after you weren’t in class today. Are you… feeling better?”

 

“Um, yeah!” Bernie chirps back, keeping her smile on and trying not to show how nervous Felix makes her. It’s a different kind of nervous than with most people; usually she’s terrified that if she messes up then people will hate her; with Felix she’s excited just to be around him and doesn’t want to ruin it somehow. “I really like gardening, and I didn’t want to leave you to do the work here all by yourself.”

 

Felix crosses his arms. “You think I can’t handle some plants? You can go back to your room if you want, I can take care of this myself,” he says, not unkindly.

 

“W-well, there was another reason I came too,” Bernadetta stammers, and recovers herself enough to tease, “But based on what you were mumbling when I came in, it seemed like you weren’t so confident a minute ago!”

 

“Hey–” Felix starts to protest, eyebrows pushing together in a way that is unfairly cute, but Bernadetta bustles past him to pick up the watering can.

 

“Felix, can you get the pruning shears from the shed while I fill up the watering can? Then I’ll show you which plants to water and how much while I prune the roses!” she calls over her shoulder before he can say another word of complaint, and before she can get too embarrassed about being so bold.

 

Felix crosses his arms, but silently goes to retrieve the shears. After handing them to Bernadetta, she shows him which flowers to water. Bernadetta moves across the greenhouse to the roses, which she’s happy to see are doing well – Deduce has been taking good care of them as usual.

 

They work in silence for a few moments, the soft rustle of leaves and the trickle of water from the watering can keeping them company.

 

Bernadetta has nearly lost herself in her task when Felix’s voice interrupts her thoughts. “Didn’t you say there was another reason you came today?”

 

She straightens abruptly, suddenly returned to the moment and her main reason for coming here. How could she forget? “Oh yeah, sorry,” she says, the apology slipping out before she can catch it. She sets the shears down and takes a step closer to Felix. “Um, I wanted to thank you. For the other day.”

 

Felix scratches his head and can’t seem to meet her eye. “Thank me? I didn’t even do anything,” he says.

 

Bernadetta clasps her hands to her chest and shakes her head fervently. “No, that’s not true at all!” she protests. “Before you got there, I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare. It just kept playing over and over in my head, and it felt like I was drowning.” Her voice gets quiet. “When you showed up, it was like you offered me a hand and pulled me from the water. So, thank you. I really mean it.”

 

Felix’s gaze is still fixed firmly on the floor, and Bernadetta thinks she might be able to see just a little bit of pink coloring his face. “Well, you’re welcome then, I guess,” he mumbles.

 

There’s that shell again. Bernie can’t help but smile as Felix reluctantly lets his softer side show through.

 

They return to their tasks, Bernadetta still smiling to herself, and she feels completely recovered from everything that happened two days ago. In this moment, she feels completely at ease – she still feels a buzzing in her fingertips from being near Felix, but she’s not afraid. It’s just her, a friend she trusts, and the plants. She moves through the greenhouse, pruning where necessary, aerating roots here and there, and just stopping to admire the plants that don’t need any tending.

 

“What song is that? Did you write it?” Felix asks, and suddenly a song she hadn’t even noticed, music in the periphery of her hearing, stops – Bernadetta hadn’t even realized she had started singing, wordlessly humming a familiar tune.

 

“W-what? I wasn’t singing!” she answers reflexively, and immediately feels like an idiot. Oh no, now he’s going to get angry… I was obviously singing! Why did I do that? How embarrassing!

 

But to her surprise, Felix merely huffs and turns back to his watering. “If you say so,” he says, shoving one hand in his pocket.

 

Bernie stares at his back, guilt twisting her stomach while surprise pulls at her chest. She thought he’d get angry, or argue with her after her obvious lie. But he’s – he’s giving her space, he’s letting it go, even though she’s obviously being stupid. Another friend she doesn’t deserve; and it makes her fall for him a little more.

 

She takes a moment to gather her courage from where she’s kneeling by the pitcher plants. “Um, it’s a song from an opera, actually,” she ventures. “Apparently it’s about a guy whose lover is dying from a disease, and he sings that song to her. Kinda morbid I guess, but it’s pretty.”

 

“Hm,” Felix grunts, but he sounds interested. “Do you like the opera, then?”

 

“W-well, I’ve never actually been,” Bernadetta stammers, still keeping her eyes on the plants lest she lose her nerve if she looks at Felix. “Dorothea taught it to me.”

 

“You’d probably like it,” Felix remarks, his voice getting closer. “Besides all the music and dramatic stories, you’d probably love the costumes and stuff.”

 

That draws Bernadetta’s attention. “Wait – you’ve been to the opera?” She whips her head around to face him, only to be thrown off balance when she finds he’s sitting right beside her.

 

“What, am I not allowed?” he snaps back, annoyance and embarrassment flashing over his face. He quickly changes the subject. “Hey, are these those plants you were telling me about? The carnivorous ones?”

 

“Oh! Yes!” Bernadetta says, thoroughly distracted by her favorite topic. “These here are pitcher plants. Look, right there where the leaf is curled up, they lure in flies and other insects and then drown them in nectar! Isn’t that amazing? They don’t even have to move.” She sighs lovingly. “I’ve heard there are some kinds that can even eat mice!”

 

Felix inspects the plant with a cautious curiosity. “Erm… huh,” he replies uncertainly.

 

“Hey, that gives me an idea!” Bernadetta suddenly exclaims, turning to Felix with bright eyes. “I haven’t really thanked you properly yet, so how about I make you dinner tonight? I’m a great cook!”

 

“Wait, how did drowning mice give you that idea?!”

 

---

 

“You really don’t have to do this,” Felix says as Bernadetta pulls on an apron and starts reaching into cupboards for pots and pans.

 

“B-but I want to!” she insists, turning to face him. “Unless… you don’t want me to? I promise I’m actually really good at cooking!”

 

She looks at him with such pleading in her eyes that Felix can only sigh and wave his hand. “Fine. Just don’t go around telling anyone I forced you to do this, all right?”

 

“Of course!” Bernadetta looks happy enough with that and sets about making dinner. She starts to hum again, the same song as before, but Felix stays silent, knowing that if he says anything, she’ll stop.

 

It’s a catchy tune, and Felix knows he’ll have it stuck in his head later. But he doesn’t mind; Bernadetta has a nice voice, and he does like music, after all.

 

He stares at her back while she works, noticing how different she is today compared to the other day. It’s hard to believe the cheerful girl in front of him, humming as she becomes absorbed in her task, was just a shivering husk of a person two days ago.

 

There is something so honest in the way she presents herself, Felix realizes, whether she’s quaking in fear or smiling shyly. There is no guile when she talks to him, no ulterior motives, and it’s a breath of fresh air from all the other boot licking going on at the academy, and even from his own friends who plaster on masks, pretending they aren’t all broken in a way that can’t be fixed. 

 

Bernadetta simply wears her heart on her sleeve, and Felix can’t help but want to keep that smile on her face, humming to herself without a care in the world, and make it so no one ever makes her cry again.

 

“All right, here we are!” Bernadetta practically sings some time later, sliding a plate onto the table in front of Felix. “Spicy chicken skewers.”

 

Felix picks one up, awkwardly. He takes a hesitant bite, and looks up at Bernadetta in surprise, eyes wide. “Hey, this is really good!”

 

“Hey! Why do you look so surprised?” she pouts, then relaxes into a smile; Felix finds himself relaxing as she smiles too. “I’m really glad you like them, though!”

 

Felix takes a few more eager bites, because this is seriously much better than what the dining hall usually serves up, before he realizes that Bernadetta is just watching him eat. He swallows a mouthful and says, “What, you’re not having any?”

 

“W-well, it’s your thank you present,” she reasons. “I couldn’t.”

 

Felix rolls his eyes and shoves the plate toward her. “I’m not just going to sit here eating the food you made while you watch me,” he says flatly. “Eat.”

 

She takes a skewer when it’s clear Felix won’t eat any more until she does, and she nibbles at it while Felix bites off entire hunks of meat at once.

 

“Are you ready for the mission this month?” Felix asks after finishing another skewer. 

 

Bernadetta shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “Oh, the rite of rebirth.” She thinks for a moment before bringing her gaze to meet his. “Do you really think someone will try to attack the archbishop?” she asks in a hushed voice.

 

“I’m not convinced,” Felix replies, and picks up another skewer. There’s one left; he’ll leave that for Bernadetta. “It seems too clumsy for an assassination attempt. It’s more likely that it’s a decoy for something else.”

 

Bernadetta’s eyes widen. “What do you think it could be?”

 

“It’s hard to say, but we should be prepared for anything.” He waves his empty skewer at her to emphasize his next words. “Don’t slack off in your training. I know you’re fast, but don’t get complacent.”

 

Bernadetta sits up straight like she’s been called to attention. “R-right, yes! Sorry!” she squeaks.

 

Ah, shoot. He didn’t mean it like that. “It’s – don’t apologize,” he stammers. “Just be prepared.” He places the skewer down on the plate with the rest of them and stands to leave. “Thanks for dinner.”

 

“Ah – y-you’re welcome!” Bernadetta calls after him.

 

As he heads to the training grounds, Felix is unsurprised to find Bernadetta’s song ringing over and over in his ears.

Notes:

Thank you as always for reading my self-indulgent fluff uwu

Chapter 12

Summary:

Bernadetta is injured at the battle in the Holy Mausoleum.

To say that the attack during the rite of rebirth was a surprise would be an understatement.

 

First the enemy’s true objective was revealed to be the Holy Mausoleum, which would have been surprising enough on its own; but then the Death Knight showed up, and Ingrid practically had to drag Felix away by his collar to stop him from challenging him to a duel.

 

But that sword? And the fact that the professor could wield it so easily without a crest stone? Well, it was clear to Felix that he was in the right class, learning from the right teacher.

 

When the battle is over and the last of the enemy soldiers rounded up, the adrenaline begins to fade and Felix takes stock of the rest of his classmates. Sylvain was with him the whole time, and is fine. Ingrid, fine. Even the boar hadn’t gotten himself killed yet, and is kneeling down with Mercedes next to –

 

Bernadetta is lying on the ground, eyes closed. The glow of healing magic is fading but her breathing is still rapid and the front of her armor stained red from hip to shoulder. Felix feels his hand grip into a fist at the sight. How did this happen? Who screwed up and let someone past the front line?

 

Felix grits his teeth harder and starts forward when he sees Dimitri lifting Bernadetta in his arms – he would hurt her, he shouldn’t be touching her, Felix should be the one taking care of her – when a hand grips his shoulder, holding him back.

 

“She’s fine,” Ingrid says. “Mercedes patched her up.”

 

“She’s still unconscious,” Felix snaps back. “That’s not a mild injury. How the hell did something like that happen?”

 

Ingrid lets go of his shoulder and crosses her arms. “They had a thief that slipped past Dimitri and Dedue. Actually, you were pretty close by when it happened. Did you only just notice?” She raises an eyebrow.

 

Felix’s scowl deepens and he says nothing, keeping his eyes trained on the boar and Bernadetta until they’re out of sight.

 

“Well, the professor is always saying you should be more of a team player,” Ingrid says, collecting the reins of her pegasus to head out of the mausoleum. “Maybe this is a wake up call to work together with your allies to prevent more injuries in the future.” She leaves him to angrily clean his blade before stomping off to get cleaned up.

 

.

 

The next day, Felix finds his feet taking him to the infirmary, where he knows Bernadetta is still recuperating. There’s no particular reason why, he just thought she’d want to know that that pregnant cat, Pickles or whatever, got fed.

 

There’s no particular reason why he’s heading there, and that’s why Felix is confused about the gnawing sensation in his gut.

 

As he comes up the stairs, he’s surprised to hear laughter and the voices of several of his classmates drifting down the hallway. Through the doorway is a cheerful vignette: the flowery von Aegir kid recounting some tale, looking affronted by some comment Dorothea made, while Ashe and Mercedes smile behind their hands on an unoccupied bed. Annette is giggling from her seat on another bed, right next to Bernadetta, who is propped up with pillows and eating a slice of strawberry cake someone smuggled in from the dining hall. 

 

Felix releases a breath he didn’t realize he was holding when he sees that the bloodstained image in his mind from yesterday has been replaced with clean white bandages poking out from under her clothes. She’s smiling, so that must mean she’s okay. That’s good enough.

 

...Good enough for what?

 

Dorothea starts to look over her shoulder and Felix moves on from the doorway before she can usher him in. Get well committees aren’t really his thing; cheering people up isn’t exactly his strong suit so it’s probably for the best he doesn’t join in. But Bernadetta is fine, and that’s good enough.

 

.

 

Even after training until he’s exhausted, Felix can’t fall asleep. His mind keeps replaying the last battle, going over every mistake, every moment when he should have been a little faster, a little stronger.

 

He keeps reliving the same moments until he feels suffocated by his blankets and heads out into the night air, slamming the door behind him.

 

His boots hit the flagstones and he can at least walk some of his frustration off, but his thoughts keep coming. What had he missed, when had he stopped paying attention? He hadn’t even noticed that Bernadetta was injured until the battle had ended. If he had been watching, if he had dealt with his enemies faster, he could have cut down that thief before he had even gotten to Bernadetta. Actually, what the hell were Dedue and the boar doing? Felix should give them an earful for endangering a teammate.

 

But isn’t that what Felix did?

 

He comes to an abrupt stop. Looking up, he realizes that he’s in front of the infirmary building again. Well, he might as well go tell Bernadetta about the cat.

 

Climbing the stairs, it crosses Felix’s mind that she might be sleeping already, in which case this would be a pointless endeavor. Well, he’s pretty much already at the infirmary, so he might as well check–

 

The sound of sniffles and gasping breaths reaches Felix’s ears, and all of his battle-toned reflexes fly into high alert. He sprints into the room to Bernadetta’s bed, where she’s got her hands balled into fists rubbing at her tear-streaked face.

 

“What’s wrong? Are you all right? Should I call Manuela?” Felix’s eyes travel wildly around the room and along her body, looking for anything wrong.

 

Bernadetta startles at his outburst and looks up at him through the tears in her eyes. “F-Felix?”

 

“What is it?” Felix urges, his voice too loud compared to Bernadetta’s soft greeting. “Tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it.” He nearly wants to grab her by the shoulders to get an answer, but he doesn’t want to hurt her.

 

Bernadetta shakes her head and takes a painfully long second to calm her breathing enough to stammer out, “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. I mean, it still hurts but I don’t need Professor Manuela so please don’t bother her!” She drags the back of her hand across her eyes.

 

“What?” Felix says, suddenly deflated. “But you’re…” Crying.

 

“Um, I just,” she starts, then looks up at Felix in an attempt at a bright smile. “Um, it’s nothing! I’m surprised you’re visiting me, Felix. Did you need something from me?” Her fake smile suddenly turns to horror. “Oh no, did I forget something really important while I’ve been resting? I’m so sorry! Tell me what it is and I’ll do it right away!”

 

Felix sighs, folding his arms and lowers himself onto the stool by Bernadetta’s bed. He notes the change in subject, and that’s fine since last time distraction seemed to be a good tactic for getting her to stop crying, but Felix seriously can’t keep up with the emotional hoops she jumps through sometimes.

 

“It’s nothing like that, so calm down,” he says. “I actually… came to tell you I fed your cat. Pickles. Why’d you even name her that? She’s a cat, not a food.”

 

“What? It’s a cute name!” Bernadetta protests, but she smiles again and this time it looks real. “Thank you though, I was worrying about her a little. And thanks for coming to tell me.”

 

“It’s nothing,” Felix replies, avoiding her gaze. “It looked like you had plenty of visitors without me coming anyway.” In an effort to find something to settle on looking at, his eyes fall on a basket of tea, sweets, and baking sitting on the bedside table. Shit, should he have brought her something?

 

Bernadetta notices where his eyes have fallen and cringes sheepishly. “Yeah… Ferdinand really goes overboard sometimes, huh? It was really nice of everyone to come by, though.”

 

They lapse into silence. Felix racks his brain for something to say until he thinks maybe he should just take his leave, when he looks up at Bernadetta to find tears once again rolling down her cheeks.

 

He fights back an urge to wipe them away with a thumb, and he hates himself for not being able to keep her from crying, again. Maybe he really shouldn’t have come at all.

 

Before he can struggle to find something to say, Bernadetta notices him looking at her. “Sorry,” she says again, scrubbing at her face. “Sorry. I just – I can’t stop thinking about it. I was so scared, and it really hurt, but more than that, I… I killed people, Felix!”

 

She looks up at him then, her big grey eyes glossy with tears, wide with fear and asking him for help. In that moment, Felix is struck by how good she is. 

 

In his life, Felix has watched tragedy destroy everyone around him. Some people rotted from the inside out. The boar, hiding his bloodlust under a charming facade. His father, celebrating the death of his son and committing himself to a dead king, rather than his living subjects and family who needed him. Even Sylvain uses his laidback attitude to hide the darkness inside.

 

On the other hand, Felix was rotten from the outside in. He couldn’t trust anyone at face value anymore, so he pushed everyone away with impatience and caustic remarks in the name of getting stronger, to protect the ones he cared about and try to hold on to what was left of his world. He never stopped to care if his friends were angry with him as long as they were alive.

 

But whatever Bernadetta’s father had done to her, and whatever else she’d gone through, Bernadetta wasn’t rotten at all. Her outside was worn away to nothing but raw nerves, and somehow the goodness inside her survived it all.

 

Felix had fought in battles before he came to the academy. Since the king’s assassination, most of Faerghus, including Fraldarius had been plagued by bandits and unrest. Felix didn’t enjoy killing, but he didn’t really feel any guilt over it, either. If he doesn’t kill the enemy, the enemy will kill him. If they’ve both got the same intention, it’s only fair that the stronger fighter comes out alive.

 

But Bernadetta apparently only took a life for the first time yesterday. Even though she nearly died, she’s worrying over killing someone else. Even with all of her fear, she still finds so much joy in life, in plants and food and art and music and all the things Felix hasn’t been able to make sense of in years.

 

She’s looked away from Felix now, trying and failing not to cry. Someone like her shouldn’t have to fight , Felix thinks. She’s the only innocent thing he’s seen in years, and something in his chest wants to keep her that way.

 

What should he say to reassure her? Suddenly he remembers a moment from his childhood. Much like the present, Felix was the one in the infirmary bed, having fallen out of a tree and broken his arm. His brother would smile at him while he cried, tell him everything would be okay, and ruffle his hair until he stopped crying. Glenn would spend as much of his time as he could there with Felix, reading him stories and cracking jokes to cheer him up.

 

Felix doesn’t know any jokes, but…

 

He reaches out and gingerly pats Bernadetta on the head, like Glenn would do when he was young. When she jolts and looks up at him he ruffles her hair a little harder to cover his embarrassment.

 

Feeling heat crawl up his neck, Felix retracts his hand to cross his arms and looks away. “If you feel bad about it, it just means you’re a good person,” he says.

 

Bernadetta blinks in surprise at his answer. “Oh,” she says.

 

They sit in silence again. Bernadetta sniffles. Felix wants to tell her not to worry, not to cry, she hasn’t done anything wrong and he would get stronger from now on so she wouldn’t get hurt again in the future. But he says nothing, and stares at the floor.

 

Eventually, Bernadetta stirs and says, “Well, it...is pretty late, I guess. I should… probably try to sleep.”

 

Felix hastily stands up. She was probably just waiting for him to leave and he hadn’t noticed. “Right,” he says. “Good night then.”

 

“W-wait!” Bernadetta calls out before he can even turn away. “C-could you, um, stay with me until I fall asleep?” Felix’s eyes widen slightly at the request. Bernadetta must have noticed because she adds, “Um, you don’t have to if it’s too weird. Actually, nevermind, yeah that was a weird thing to ask. Good night Felix!” 

 

Bernadetta hastily flips over onto her side, facing away from Felix. He sighs and holds back an eye roll, but secretly he’s pleased. “It’s fine, I’ll stay,” he says, returning to the stool. “You don’t have to second guess yourself so much around me, you know.”

 

“Um, sorry!” Bernadetta says without looking back at him.

 

Felix presses his eyes closed and allows himself a smile before returning to his usual neutral expression. “Go to sleep,” he says.

 

Notes:

I promise I won't abandon this fic! I've just been slower than normal because mental health, basically.
Take care of yourselves out there!

Chapter 13

Summary:

In which Felix Felix's things up.

Notes:

Everyone has a bad time today I'm so sorry but there's a reward for you at the end u_u

Felix wakes up in a foul mood. There’s no reason for it; it's certainly not because of the letter he received from his father yesterday and certainly not because of what day it is.

 

Felix eyes the crumpled letter on the pile of a dozen other unopened envelopes on his dorm room floor as he dresses, manhandling each button as though it has offended him personally. He’s not even sure why he opened this one. Maybe he just thought that, given the timing…

 

But its content was worse than Felix had imagined: Rodrigue would be visiting the monastery for some official business within the next week, and there was no mention of today’s date at all. Though, why would there be? There was nothing special about today.

 

Felix pulls his hair into its usual bun and grabs his sword, slamming the door on the way out of the room. He would head for the training grounds, and hopefully it would be early enough that no one would be there to bother him, and he could take out his frustrations on a practice dummy instead of putting up with pointless pleasantries.

 

No such luck, however, as Ingrid spots him in the dormitory hallway. Her face looks falsely cheerful, and her eyes are red. It’s irritating.

 

“Felix, good morning,” she says with a brittle smile, until she sees the murderous look on Felix’s face, and she frowns. “Are you… all right, Felix? I know today is probably hard for you. It’s hard for me too.”

 

Felix waits impatiently as she continues speaking. “What’s so hard about it?” he scoffs. “It’s just another day like any other.” He pushes past her toward the stairs.

 

“Felix–”

 

“Don’t waste my time with this stupid crap,” he snarls without looking back. There’s nothing hard about today. After all, a birthday isn’t a birthday anymore if the person it belongs to is no longer getting any older.

 

---

 

Felix’s mood only continues to sour when he arrives at the training grounds to find the boar already midway through his morning training. How early does a guy have to get up in order to get some peace and quiet while brutally attacking a wooden dummy?

 

Felix heads to the equipment room to grab a training sword, hoping that if he just keeps to himself, he can avoid hearing whatever useless garbage will come out of that animal’s mouth.

 

But again, he just can’t catch a break. Felix grits his teeth as his hand closes around the hilt of the sword and he hears “Felix!” from behind him.

 

He turns to face the boar, undisguised contempt written plainly on his face. “I came here to train, not talk,” he says, as if that had ever deterred the boar before. He readies his stance before a training dummy, resolving to just ignore him, just ignore him–

 

Dimitri lets out a chuckle, as fake as everything that comes out of his mouth. “To the point as always, Felix,” he says. “I’m not surprised to see you here as well this morning–”

 

“I’m here every morning,” Felix interrupts, but it doesn’t phase the boar at all.

 

“–I couldn’t sleep much last night, knowing that today is…” Dimitri trails off. Felix doesn’t need to look at him that his face is painted with a carefully constructed look of polite concern that doesn’t manage to mask the guilt underneath. “I imagine you probably didn’t sleep well either, you must be feeling–”

 

Felix rolls his eyes back hard to keep his voice level. “I slept just fine,” Felix cuts him off again. He brings his sword down hard on the dummy. “Don’t tell me how I feel. And don’t talk to me, I said I’m here to train.”

 

The boar still hasn’t brought his lance back up to continue training, and Felix can feel him frowning. Felix wills him to just shut up already but again Dimitri opens his mouth, and this time the ball of tension that’s been burning a hole in Felix’s stomach all morning erupts into hot rage.

 

“I miss him too, you know.”

 

“I said ,” Felix shouts, his voice rising along with the bile in his throat, “ don’t talk to me .” He throws his training sword to the ground like a child throwing a tantrum and spits, “Since you won’t stop bothering me, I’ll take my training elsewhere. Stupid boar,” he adds for good measure, throwing open the training grounds doors as he stomps his way outside the monastery to find somewhere to train in peace.

 

He misses him, huh? That’s all the boar does, is miss people. He’s so busy missing the dead that he can’t even see the living right in front of his eyes.

 

---

 

Perhaps the professor could sense Felix’s restlessness, because the lectures for the morning were replaced with tactics lessons in the courtyard. The class is split in two to simulate opposing forces on a battlefield.

 

Felix tightens and releases his grip on his sword hilt as he glares across the field at the boar and his dog, Dedue. All the better that the sides were balanced this way; Felix could get some payback at the boar for ruining his training this morning.

 

When the professor lowers his hand to indicate that the exercise has begun, all thoughts of the careful strategy the professor had drilled into them leave Felix’s mind. He rushes forward, much faster than any of his mock allies, and sets his sight on the boar. A quick disarming blow and a kick to the chest to knock him down ought to do the trick, but as Felix approaches striking distance, suddenly such a clean attack seems too good for such a beast.

 

Instead he brings his sword down across the length of Dimitri’s spear, hitting hard with both hands, hoping to jar him and keep him pinned. His rational mind knows that with Dimitri’s strength, this strategy is not tenable but his rage keeps on bubbling over, and he strikes again, again, again.

 

“Felix,” Dimitri grunts, easily blocking each blow. “This isn’t what the professor instructed us to do.”

 

“Shut up,” Felix snarls, still beating away stupidly at the boar’s lance. He can feel Dimitri pushing back now, and he’s losing ground. He’s dimly aware of his teammates shouting behind him, confused and trying to rally despite the hole in their formation.

 

“Felix, retreat!” Ingrid calls from nearby. Felix grits his teeth. He should, he should back off, but if he does that now he’ll just lose his footing and fall and have to yield. In a real battle, that means death. As if he’s going to face his end, even metaphorically, here on the training field at the hands of this beast.

 

“Felix, come on, we’ll cover you!” Annette’s voice calls from his right.

 

Having someone else cover for you just means putting someone else in danger. No, he’d get out of this mess himself, putting one foot behind the other, blocking each of the boar’s strikes, if only he could get his footing –

 

Felix leaps backward to try and regain control, but he collides with another body and loses his balance entirely, stumbling backwards in a pile on top of his classmate. If only everyone would just stay out of his way–

 

“Urggghh, useless! ” he roars as he hits the ground. 

 

His anger echoes off the stone walls of the courtyard, and as the sound fades only stillness takes its place, replacing the clash of weapons, shouting, and moving bodies. Who the hell got in his way? In a real fight the both of them would be dead.

 

It’s only when Felix rights himself and turns to see which of his incompetent classmates tripped him does he understand the sudden silence. Felix himself is abruptly speechless, all his ire evaporating from the tip of his tongue as he looks back, surprise and regret fighting for space on his face.

 

Bernadetta stares back at him, grey eyes wide and afraid, tears starting to pool in the corners. She’s frozen, like a hunted rabbit, and the rest of the class seems to be holding their breath too, waiting to see what she’ll do. Felix looks at her dumbly, his own eyes wide, trying to rack his brain for some way to apologize, to somehow cancel out what he just said and the way he said it, but he just sits there on the grass while his tongue malfunctions until suddenly the spell is broken.

 

“I’m sorry!” Bernadetta squeals, eyes overflowing with tears. Felix can see them fall to the ground as she bows hastily and bolts out of the courtyard.

 

Felix watches her as she goes and is met with the disapproving stares of all of his classmates. Even the professor, with his blank expression, seems disappointed. The boar, infuriatingly, looks concerned rather than angry.

 

“What the hell was that?” Ingrid says, placing a hand on her hip.

 

“Yeah dude, even I can tell that was way too far,” Sylvain says.

 

“You had better go apologize to her!” Annette adds indignantly and Felix slowly gets to his feet.

 

Another few seconds of tense silence pass as Felix brushes himself off. He meets the professor’s eyes, but can’t hold his gaze.

 

“Felix,” Byleth says in his usual monotone, but it’s enough to make Felix flush with guilt.

 

“Yeah, I got it,” Felix mumbles, and strides out of the courtyard with his head down. On his way out, he catches the look Dorothea is shooting at him and at that moment Felix wouldn’t have been surprised if Dorothea could actually cast Thoron with only her eyes.

 

Once out of sight of the class, he slams his fist into the wall and slumps against it. There were too many emotions fighting for his attention, and he felt like he might burst. The easiest thing would be to stay angry, to stomp off somewhere by himself and let everything out on a training dummy or even a tree, as long as he could hit something.

 

But Bernadetta hadn’t deserved that, didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of an anger she didn’t understand. Felix lets out a ragged sigh, pushes a hand through his bangs, and heads in the direction of the dorms, where she would almost certainly have run.

 

He walks through the monastery barely aware of his surroundings, trying to figure out what he was even going to say. Sorry for being an ass? That seems to about cover his behaviour, but it’s so half-hearted even Felix doesn’t want to forgive himself.

 

“You don’t have to second guess yourself so much around me.”

 

He’d meant it, when he said it. He didn’t want to hear her apologize for existing anymore and he wanted her to know that he didn’t hate her. That he… was there for her.

 

But now he didn’t know if she would believe any of that, or if it would matter. If she’d just be scared of him again.

 

When Felix arrives at the dorms, only a few dozen yards away from Bernadetta’s door, all of his half-formed words of apology quickly vacate his mind when he spots someone else already at Bernadetta’s door.

 

Ferdinand von Aegir stands with his fist raised in a knock. Felix can hear the concern in his voice from where he stands.

 

“Bernadetta? Are you all right? You seemed to be quite distressed; is there anything I can do for you? I could fetch Professor Manuela, if you’re unwell?”

 

He pauses, listening for a response. Felix turns on his heel, leaving before he can be spotted. Of course it was von Aegir, always sticking his nose into other people’s business, always being so… considerate, even if it was just to inflate his own ego.

 

Well, at least she was being taken care of, then. Felix will apologize later. She probably doesn’t want to hear from Felix right now, anyway. Of course, it’s better that someone who’s more skilled with words and feelings is standing in front of Bernadetta’s door instead of him.

 

---

 

Some time later, after classes were over for the day, Dorothea finds Felix outside the monastery, practicing footwork since he doesn’t want to dull his blade on a tree.

 

He glances at her sidelong as he moves through the motions, and he can see that her arms are crossed and she’s rapidly tapping one finger against her arm.

 

When he doesn’t say anything, Dorothea speaks first. “So, you still haven’t apologized to her?” Tap tap tap tap tap.

 

Felix continues his practice to avoid facing her. “I didn’t think she’d want to talk to me,” he says.

 

Tap tap tap. Dorothea’s furrowed brow twitches in annoyance, and she grimaces. “You know, I would love to just fry you into tomorrow’s lunch with a Thunder spell, or even just break your arm!” She takes a breath to steady herself. “But Bernie made me promise not to do that, so all I will say is this: She trusts you.” Her words make Felix falter, finally pause and turn towards Dorothea. “Even now, she believes what you say. So when you tell her that she’s useless , she thinks it must be true, undoing all the progress I’ve made with her this year. So you had better make this right, Felix, or I don’t even know what I’m going to do to you.”

 

Felix watches her leave, lowering his blade and his eyes to the ground. How could he make things right?

 

---

 

Darkness has already fallen when Felix finds himself in front of Bernadetta’s door once again. He runs a hand through his bangs, going over what he wanted to say one last time. Well then. Felix isn’t one for hesitation, so before he can lose his nerve he raises his hand and knocks on the door.

 

“Bernadetta. It’s Felix,” he says.

 

A squeak comes through the door that pierces right through Felix’s chest. So she’s scared of him again, then.

 

“I… came to apologize,” he continues. “What happened today was my fault, and I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry.”

 

“N-no!” Bernadetta says from the other side of the door, her voice wavering. “I’m sorry! I should have been more careful and watched where I was going, and I heard everyone’s giving you a hard time about it now too and we could have died if it was a real battle so you were right when you said–”

 

“Stop,” Felix interrupts, wanting to stem the flow of derogatory word vomit. This is exactly what he wanted to help her stop doing, not be the cause of more of it. “I don’t care what everyone else thinks. I should have been watching where I was going, what happens in a real battle is everyone’s responsibility, mine included. Anyway, it was just an exercise. I shouldn’t have snapped at you for something like that.”

 

Felix hears a sniffle. “S-Still though, I messed up,” she says. “My father always said I was useless and I wanted to believe it wasn’t true, but it looks like Bernie’s just a useless good-for-nothing nuisance.” Another sniffle, and Felix grips his hand into a fist. “I’m really sorry, Felix. You don’t have to try and make me feel better.”

 

Felix clenches his jaw. This was not how he wanted this to go at all, but he wasn’t going to leave until he’d done everything he could to try and undo the damage he’d done.

 

“Bernadetta,” he says, huffing out a breath to try and keep his voice level. “That’s not true at all.” What could he say to make her believe it? She trusts you , Dorothea had said. “Listen to me. No one in this world is born useless; the only thing that matters is how you apply yourself. And you’re already good at so many things.” That much was true, Bernadetta had a much wider skillset than Felix himself, who only really had use on the battlefield.

 

Felix takes another slow breath and braces himself to admit what he’d been denying all day. “This morning… I wasn’t in my right mind. Today was… kind of rough for me. I was upset about something else, and I took it out on you. Honestly, it had nothing to do with you at all. So, I’m sorry.” That was about as much as Felix could hope to say, so he squares his shoulders and prepares to leave. “I hope you’ll accept my apology, but I’ll understand if you don’t. Good night, Bernadetta.”

 

He waits for a moment to see if she’ll say anything else, and when nothing comes, he heads back to his own room, suddenly remembering the tune Bernadetta sang in the greenhouse only a few weeks ago.

 

---

 

A few days pass, and Felix sees a noticeable difference in Bernadetta’s demeanor towards him. He doesn’t make an effort to look at her, but when they happen to make eye contact she flinches away, rather than smile back at him like she might have done just a week prior.

 

After another night of staring at his ceiling for hours, Felix gives up on sleep and heads to the training grounds. If he can’t sleep, he may as well do something productive.

 

He slips into the dark corridor quietly, trying to avoid detection and an earful about curfew. It’s the middle of the night, announced by the clock tower chiming in the distance, so the monastery grounds should be deserted.

 

So it’s much to Felix’s surprise when he arrives at the training grounds to find the torches lit and someone else already there. He is even more shocked to see that that person is Bernadetta.

 

She turns at the sound of his footsteps, and they both freeze in place as though the contact between his amber eyes and her wide grey ones had sent a jolt of electricity through them. Bernadetta looses an arrow she had been drawing and it wildly misses its mark, clattering to the ground in the otherwise empty and silent hall.

 

Felix stares back for a moment longer before looking away; it feels like too much after so many days of avoiding each other. He coughs and shoves his hands in his pockets. “Um, hey,” he says lamely.

 

“H-hi,” Bernadetta stammers, lowering her bow. “Sorry! Were you here to use the training grounds? Sorry, I’ll get out of your way, I don’t want to bother you.”

 

Felix winces internally, still frozen in place. “No, I… couldn’t sleep, so I came here. I’m a bit surprised to see you here so late though.” A thought occurs to him. “Did you want to be alone? I can leave, if you want.” He’s more nervous than he’d care to admit.

 

“No no! That’s okay,” Bernadetta says, waving her free hand. “I-I mean, I did come here this late because I thought no one else would be here, but…” She chews on her lip, thinking. Felix allows the silence to stretch on while she figures out what she wants to say. She looks down, then anxiously back up at Felix. “Hey Felix, can I ask you something? ...Are you still mad at me?”

 

Felix’s gaze snaps back to hers, a hot and stinging sensation rising in his chest. He’s frustrated that she still thinks he’s angry with her, rather than being angry at him, which is what he deserves. And he hates himself because it’s his fault. Part of him wants to snap like he normally would, tell her he already told her he’s not mad, but then he remembers Dorothea’s words. She trusts you.

 

Felix shakes his head and takes a step forward. “I was never mad at you,” he says. “Do you believe me this time?”

 

Bernadetta’s gaze flits away from him as she considers. “Um, okay,” she says, and puffs out a hollow laugh. “I’m relieved, actually.”

 

Felix tries to push the more casual atmosphere they’ve achieved and changes the subject as he walks further into the hall toward the equipment room. “So what brings you here so late, then? I didn’t think you were really one for extra late-night training.”

 

Bernadetta shuffles her feet, and Felix can see her face starting to pink out of the corner of his eye. “Um, I was thinking about what you said. About how no one is born useless. And how… we just have to apply ourselves”

 

Felix pauses and turns back toward her.

 

Her grip tightens around her bow as she looks determinedly at the floor. “So I decided to work harder. To make sure I’m not useless out there, and that no one gets hurt because of me.”

 

She trusts you. “That’s not what I– I mean–”

 

“I-I know!” Bernadetta stammers back to cut off Felix’s floundering. “But if I stay here at the academy, I have to go on missions. And I can’t let anyone get hurt out there because I didn’t work hard enough. So… I’m going to try my best from now on, even if that means being subjected to Ingrid’s horrifying lance lessons.”

 

Felix couldn’t help but smirk at Bernadetta’s half-joking shudder. It looked like… Bernadetta would be okay. And what she said made sense; there was no point heading onto a battlefield you weren’t prepared for, and Felix wasn’t about to discourage someone from training.

 

“I see,” Felix says, even tone not betraying the relief he feels. “Well, don’t let me keep you then.” He retrieves a training sword and dummy, and they train together in relative silence, punctuated by the sounds of bowstrings and footwork.

 

Felix can’t help watching her from the corner of his eye. She looks different with her shoulders drawn back, her gaze steady on her target… although her body carries a lot more tension than is called for.

 

Bernadetta catches his eye and Felix realizes he’s been staring. Bernadetta flushes red, her previous calm evaporating. “Wh-what is it? Oh no, I’m doing it all wrong, aren’t I? Ugh, maybe training by myself was a bad idea after all…”

 

Felix busies his free hand with scratching the back of his head, suddenly feeling heat start to creep up his own neck. “Er, no, that’s not it,” He stammers, surprised by how flustered he feels. “Although… I’m not much of an archer, but I can give you a few tips on your stance, if you want.”

 

Bernadetta rewards him with a small smile, and his heart warms to see it after all the hurt he’s caused recently. “U-um, okay,” she says.

 

“All right, hold your bow like you’re about to fire.” Felix moves behind Bernadetta as she enters the posture, his heart beating faster than the exertion of his warmup calls for. “You’re way too tense; here, widen your stance. Now as you pull back, take a deep breath and lower your shoulders.” Felix moves closer as he places his hands over hers to demonstrate. “Just like that. Keep both eyes open, and remember: it’s just your arrow, your target, and you.”

 

Felix’s hands linger for a moment longer on Bernadetta’s hands, and he realizes he can feel her back against his chest, can nearly feel her hair against his face. She smells like honey and beeswax. He feels blood rush to his face and hurriedly lets go, clearing his throat. Bernadetta seems unperturbed as she focuses on the target, pulls back on the bowstring, and lets the arrow fly.

 

It lands squarely in the centre of the target, and Bernadetta lets out an excited squeal. “Did you see that?!” she exclaims, turning to Felix as she bounces on the balls of her feet. “I did it! Thanks, Felix!”

 

It’s such a small victory, but Felix can’t keep a smile from forming in the face of Bernadetta’s enthusiasm. “Nice work,” he says, and reaches out to ruffle her hair. “Let’s see if you can do it again.”

 

She beams back at him. Felix stands back as Bernadetta once again draws her bow, and watches as the lines of her shoulders smooth into confidence as Bernadetta loses herself in focus. He pushes away thoughts of how those shoulders felt pressed up against him, how good she smells. Do all girls smell that nice?

 

“Just my arrow, my target, and me,” she mutters under her breath. Once again she draws the bowstring, and once again the arrow lands squarely on its target at the center of the bullseye.

 

She turns back to Felix with another stunning smile. Felix gives her a nod, careful not to betray the pounding of his heart, and returns to his own training. But he doesn’t get very far before he hears a sharp intake of breath and an “Ouch!” from behind him.

 

“What’s the matter?” he says, snapping back to Bernadetta’s direction.

 

She holds up a finger which is tipped with red. “It’s nothing, looks like I just got a little blister,” she says, reverting back to her usual shy, curled in posture. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

 

Felix’s mouth twists into a frown and he crosses his arms. “If you keep going like that, it’ll only get worse,” he says. “It’s better to let it heal and turn into a callus. Wait here, I think there are extra bandages in the equipment room.”

 

Felix supposes he probably won’t be getting any more training in tonight, but he doesn’t mind. He only came here because he couldn’t sleep anyway.

 

He finds a roll of thin bandages on a shelf that was kept here for exactly this sort of mild injury or sprain. Seiros knows he’s had his fair share of blisters and training incidents, so he knows exactly where the medical supplies are kept in here.

 

He returns to the hall and motions Bernadetta over to a bench, where she sets her bow down and gingerly takes a seat.

 

He sits down next to her and begins to unroll the bandage. “Hand,” he says, holding his hand out, palm up.

 

After a moment’s hesitation, Felix looks up to see Bernadetta’s apprehensive eyes looking up at him, her lips between her teeth and a light dusting of pink across her cheeks. She tentatively extends a hand to Felix, and he looks down at it.

 

“The one with the blister,” he smirks.

 

The pink on Bernadetta’s face deepens. “Oh! Right! O-of course,” she stammers.

 

She gives him the other hand, and Felix turns it over and lines up the bandage over the blister, which is still bleeding slightly.

 

Her hand is cool and soft in his, and Felix can see where calluses have already formed on other fingers. He imagines these callused fingers stitching, drawing, painting, gardening, once soft and now becoming hardened by combat. Without realizing it, he lets out a sigh through his nostrils.

 

Bernadetta tenses in his grip. “S-sorry! You’re not getting any training done at all because of me. I-I can finish up with the bandages,” she says, reaching out with her free hand for the roll.

 

Felix shakes his head and moves the bandages away from her outstretched hand. “I was just thinking,” he says, carefully wrapping Bernadetta’s finger, “that people like you shouldn’t have to fight. I mean,” he continues before she can say something self-deprecating, “people who are... soft. And gentle.”

 

He can feel his face warm as the words come out of his mouth, and Felix isn’t sure if it’s fortunate or unfortunate that Bernadetta says nothing in return. He keeps his eyes firmly on the task at hand and has no idea what expression she’s making.

 

He finishes up the wrapping and returns Bernadetta’s hand to her. They sit in awkward silence for a moment longer while Felix fidgets with the remaining cloth.

 

“Hey Felix,” Bernadetta ventures, her voice quiet in the silent hall, careful not to break the delicate air surrounding them. “The other day you said that something was bothering you. Um, when you… when you got mad. Can I ask what it was?”

 

Felix is surprised by the question; no one had really brought it up with him since then, and he was glad for it; it’s not something he wants to acknowledge, let alone speak about, but Bernadetta’s gentle concern for him is so disarming, he can’t even be annoyed by the question. She deserves an answer, anyway.

 

He leans back against the wall and tilts his head up, finding himself unable to meet her gaze. Somehow he felt that if he made eye contact those watery grey eyes would see right through him.

 

“It would have been my brother’s birthday,” he says simply.

 

“Oh,” Felix hears Bernadetta say beside him. 

 

Felix assumes from the tone of her voice that she’s heard about his sob story from someone at this point. The heavy silence that follows only lasts a breath before Felix decides it’s about all the pity he can take from her. He plants his hands on his knees and stands.

 

“Right,” he says thickly. “It’s pretty late, so we should probably call it a night. Do you… want me to walk you to your dorm room?”

 

“U-um, well, we should probably put the equipment away first, right?” she says.

 

“Oh. Yeah. Right.” What is going on with Felix tonight? Getting so flustered about every damn thing.

 

They pack up without speaking. Felix feels as though he can feel every movement from Bernadetta even when he’s not looking at her; his sense of her is so heightened that he feels on edge.

 

When they finish, they walk back to the dorms together wordlessly. Felix feels like he should be saying something, but after revealing a deep personal truth about himself he has no idea what would come after that and it leaves his insides buzzing. Is this why he always avoids people? Besides the fact that they always get in his way, this feeling of fear mixed with… hope? It was unbearable. But it was also intoxicating, and the more time passed the more Felix didn’t seem to be able to stay away from this girl.

 

The pair reach Bernadetta’s dorm room, and Felix stands back from the steps as Bernadetta makes her way to her door. “Thanks for tonight,” Bernadetta says with a smile, wiggling her bandaged finger.

 

Felix ducks his head. “Good night, then. Get some sleep.”

 

She opens her door, and Felix turns to leave. He walks a few paces when he hears Bernadetta call after him.

 

“Wait!”

 

He turns back to face her, though he can’t make out much of her face in the dark from this distance.

 

“I um, I forgive you,” she says, rushing the last words before her confidence gives out. “I know you didn’t mean to yell at me.”

 

Felix feels a lump form in his throat, and he nods stupidly several times before swallowing it and saying, “Good.” Also stupid. He rubs at the back of his neck and says “Thanks.”

 

Bernadetta takes a breath, seemingly satisfied. “Okay. Um, good night then.” She disappears into her room and it takes Felix a few moments before he moves from the spot.

Notes:

This really could have been two chapters but I couldn't just leave them like that ;_; I realized when I started this chapter that I keep making Bernadetta cry lately and I feel so bad hahaha, but next time we'll be getting back to our regularly scheduled fluff and friend making!

Ahh, these babies... I love them so much. Thank you all for shipping this rarepair with me <3

Chapter 14

Summary:

In which a new friendship begins...

Notes:

Kinda short this time, but since I'm so slow at writing I figured it would be better to at least share this much until I have more!

Bernadetta stumbles back as Ingrid lands yet another hit on her.

 

“I thought we were going to focus my training on dodging and archery?” she whines at the professor, who watches nearby.

 

He nods, his expression as blank as ever. “Yes, that was the plan. You’ve progressed well in those subjects, and now you’ll study the lance. You’ll need it for your exams later on.” He nods at Ingrid. “Thank you for working with her,” he says, before striding off to work with Annette and Mercedes on the other end of the hall.

 

“Exams? I don’t need lances for the sniper exam!” Bernie says, but her pleas are unheard by the professor whose attention is utterly elsewhere.

 

“Back in your stance,” Ingrid reminds her, almost subconsciously. “Maybe he’s got other plans for you besides being a sniper.” She raises her lance again. “Watch my back arm to try and predict where I’ll strike next.”

 

“Besides being a sniper? What would I – waah!” Too distracted by the uncertainty of the professor’s plans for her, Bernadetta is unable to follow Ingrid’s movements and her lance is completely knocked from her hands, clattering to the ground.

 

“I know you’re anxious, but you need to focus,” Ingrid says as Bernie retrieves her lance. “Think of it as a good thing! You’re doing so well you’re ready to learn new things.”

 

Bernie turns a little pink at the compliment and can’t help a glance over at Felix, who is in the middle of a spar with professor Jeritza. It is true that she’s been getting stronger, and it’s mainly thanks to Felix.

 

They’ve been continuing to meet for late night training sessions when no one else is around. Felix gives her pointers between his own training regimen, and sometimes they even spar to work on Bernadetta’s close combat skills. They never plan these sessions; one could argue that it’s all a coincidence since they both prefer training late at night, but Bernadetta would be lying if she said she wasn’t hoping that Felix would be at the training grounds when she showed up. 

 

And then when they’re around the rest of the Blue Lions like this, they keep their distance, aside from Bernie looking over at him when she thinks no one is looking. Bernie supposes it makes sense; when they’re together they mostly enjoy comfortable silence. Around everyone else, the others tend to fill the space. And people would probably start asking a lot of nosy questions if all of a sudden they started acting like best friends in class. As much as she might enjoy daydreaming about spending more time with Felix or sitting next to him in class, Bernadetta of all people could understand why he might not want that kind of attention. She was starting to get a sense of how Felix shows he cares for his friends, so for now their secret totally-platonic midnight rendezvous were enough (although Bernie did feel bad for keeping it secret from Dorothea).

 

Ingrid lands another hit on Bernadetta and disarms her a second time, and Sylvain wanders over and leans an arm on Ingrid’s shoulder which she promptly shrugs off. “Whoa there, Ingrid, don’t you think you’re going a little too hard? Hey Bernadetta, I can help you train if you want. I know how to be real gentle with a lance, if you know what I mean.” He winks.

 

Um, what?! “T-that’s…” she starts.

 

Dimitri, who Sylvain had been training with, steps up to join the conversation. “Oh, do you need some help with lance training, Bernadetta? I’d be happy to offer my assistance as well,” he says, polite as ever.

 

Bernadetta’s mind and heart begin to race. Train? With the prince?! OF FAERGHUS?! Who is also known for breaking weapons with his sheer superhuman strength?!

 

“Shut up,” Felix interjects just as Bernadetta’s thoughts are about to dissolve into panicked static. “You’re all so noisy. Boar, get over here and fight me instead.”

 

“Ah, it seems my presence is requested elsewhere,” Dimitri says, much to Bernadetta’s relief. “Best of luck, Bernadetta!”

 

Bernie lets out a long exhale to calm her still pounding heart. She just dodged an arrow there, thanks to Felix. She looks over at him again and finds him looking back. He doesn’t show anything on his face, but she smiles weakly at him before he turns away.

 

“The professor put me in charge of your lance training,” Ingrid says with a pointed look at Sylvain, “so don’t worry about either of those two for now, Bernadetta. I think we’ve probably done enough for today though. I promise we’ll go a little slower tomorrow.”

 

“Okay,” Bernadetta says, although she is skeptical that Ingrid will keep that promise. “Thanks, Ingrid.”

 

At long last, Bernie heads back to her dorm room. She is improving, it’s true, but she’s still anxious about whatever the professor has planned for her. She flops down on her bed and looks over at her steadfast plant friend, Carrie.

 

“It sure would be nice to live as a plant,” Bernadetta sighs. “Then I wouldn’t have to fight at all.”

 

Once she lies down, she realizes training exhausted her more than she thought as her eyes drift closed, and sleep overtakes her in mere minutes.

 

---

 

Bernadetta wakes in a cold sweat, images of black bilious flesh overtaking what was once a human body flashing before her eyes. She opens her eyes to find only darkness and the sound of her own panting; she must have slept for hours until her nightmare woke her up. The clock tower chimes outside letting her know that it is indeed the middle of the night.

 

She fumbles for her flint and candle with trembling fingers as she tries to calm her breathing, tries to push the contents of her nightmare out of her thoughts. Last month’s mission had shaken all the Lions, but they barely talked about it. They weren’t supposed to. And of course, Flayn’s disappearance and subsequent rescue had taken over most of the monastery gossip.

 

But now the horrific scene she had witnessed in Faerghus had turned into nightmares of her own father transforming into a demonic beast.

 

Bernie finally gets the wick to light and the vision is banished to the shadows for now. Another deep breath, Bernie… There are still an awful lot of shadows in the room, dancing around the light of the lone candle. Will they have to fight more beasts like that? Please, Seiros, not another one!

 

Bernie squeaks as the memory of Sylvain’s brother resurfaces yet again. Maybe the candle light wasn’t helping after all.

 

 “Okay, I think it’s time for a walk,” she says to herself, finding reassurance in the sound of her own voice, almost as if she’s comforted by the fact that it’s still there and not some demented demonic growling – okay! Stopping that line of thought!

 

She slips outside, leaving the shadows and nightmares behind her in her room. How ironic that for once she actually wants to leave her room! But she needs a distraction, and the cool night air does a pretty good job of bringing her back to reality.

 

Bernie swings her arms in front of her and skips a few steps, shaking loose the remaining tension in her body. Where should she go? Oh! The library would be good, she just finished the first Princess Cordelia novel and has been meaning to pick up the next one.

 

She races back to her room to pick up the first novel, pausing only long enough to grab the book and dart back and not looking at any shadows, no thank you sir.

 

She hums herself a cheery tune on the way up to the library to keep herself company. The librarian probably won’t mind if she just leaves a note with the book she’s returning letting him know she’s taking the second one, right? He hasn’t said anything the last few times she’s done it, at least.

 

Are there any other books she should pick up while she’s here? Bernadetta racks her brain for other books she’s been meaning to read as she pads up the hallway to the library. It’s not until she’s right in front of the door when she realizes there’s a light coming from inside and as the room comes into view, she can see that there’s a person inside!

 

Bernie jumps back against the wall, pressing a hand to her mouth to suppress a surprised squeal. She peaks around the corner as stealthily as she can, and the sliver of library she can see reveals that the person inside is none other than Sylvain.

 

That’s a little odd; Bernie didn’t take him for the studious type. Really, she took him for the slacker type who wouldn’t set foot in a library unless he was forced to. But then again… Maybe he had a nightmare too. Maybe he came here to be alone. Well, in that case…

 

Bernadetta turns to leave as quietly as possible to try and preserve Sylvain’s privacy.

 

“Hey, aren’t you coming in? I can hear you, y’know. Or are you trying to spy on me?”

 

Bernie jumps about a foot in the air. “Eep! I’m not here!” she yelps, then cringes.

 

“Is that Bernadetta?” Sylvain’s voice floats through the door again. “Hey, really, you can come in. I’m sure you came here for something, so you may as well. I don’t bite.”

 

Bernadetta shuffles just enough into the doorway so that she can peek inside, where she can see Sylvain leaning on one elbow at a desk supporting an open book as he smiles at her, but she can tell it doesn’t reach his eyes.

 

“I-I thought you probably came here to be alone, so.. R-Really! I can just go, it’s not a big deal,” she says.

 

“Nah, I just couldn’t sleep,” he says, brushing her off. “Thought I’d come up here for a little light reading.”

 

Bernie considers protesting further, but her curiosity overtakes her anxiety. “You’re into reading?” Bernadetta asks incredulously, and steps farther into the room.

 

Sylvain sits back with mock affrontation. “Hey! Why is everyone always so surprised when they find out I’m actually an avid reader?” he retorts playfully, then barks out a short laugh as his expression falls. “Well, I guess I kind of asked for it, really,” he adds in an undertone, and Bernie can see the darkness hiding in his eyes as he looks away.

 

It’s a familiar pain she sees in his eyes; familiar and yet of course completely unknown. But she’s seen that darkness in Ashe’s eyes as he wonders about the church and his father and his future; in Felix’s when he brought himself to mention his brother; she’s sure it must have shown itself on her own face whenever her father was mentioned.

 

Bernadetta is familiar with pain, but she also knows that each person’s experience can never be understood with just a glance. But since coming to Garreg Mach, she also knows that the pain becomes so much easier to bear if you share it with another person.

 

Bernie usually feels uncomfortable around Sylvain; he’s just too much for her to handle, most of the time. But seeing him looking so lost in the dim lamplight of the library, her concern for him at least equals her urge to run back to the safety of her dorm room.

 

Timidly, she walks up to his desk and places The Tales of the Beautiful Princess Cordelia Vol.1 on the table with a soft thud. She looks right into his dark brown eyes and he looks back, trying to appear casual but failing to conceal the hurt Bernadetta has never seen until tonight. 

“Are you okay?” she asks in a small voice.

 

Then she realizes how forward she’s being and backpedals hard. “Sorry! You’re probably tired of hearing people ask you that. I’ll um, just put my book away and leave you alone like you probably wanted!”

 

Sylvain closes his eyes and smiles again, warmer this time, and shakes his head. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re just being nice. And I’m fine, really. That asshole deserved what he got.”

 

Bernie chews on her lip, studying Sylvain’s expression. “It’s just that… you don’t really look okay. Oh, sorry! Sorry if I’m being annoying.”

 

“Hey, who could ever be annoyed by you?” Sylvain simpers in his usual flattering tone, trying to deflect the seriousness of the conversation. ( Everyone , Bernadetta thinks reflexively.) “Seriously though Bernadetta, my brother was a terrible person. He tried to kill me when we were kids; heck, he almost succeeded. Once he was disowned by my father, he made his living by killing and extorting innocent villagers. The world’s a better place without him, trust me.”

 

Bernadetta can’t keep his gaze anymore and looks down at the novel on the table instead. She picks at the corner of the cover. “I guess so. I don’t know, that doesn’t mean you have to be okay about it though, right? My dad’s a really bad person too, but if he suddenly turned into one of those...things, I’d definitely be having nightmares about it for weeks.” She blushes although Sylvain doesn’t know she’s been having nightmares anyway. “Um, not that I know what you’re feeling or anything! It just… seems like it would be complicated.”

 

Sylvain doesn’t respond other than to stare intently at her, as if trying to decipher something. After a moment, he stands with a scrape of his wooden chair and says, “Well, you’re not wrong about that.” He stretches and changes the subject. “Anyway, you came here for a book, right? Ah, The Tales of the Beautiful Princess Cordelia ! That’s a great series. Are you here for volume two?”

 

“Um, yeah!” Bernadetta replies, relieved to have left more precarious conversational topics. Thank the saints she got through that without making him angry. “I really liked the first one, but I don’t know why they titled it “Beautiful” Princess Cordelia, when she has so much more to her than her looks.”

 

Bernie wanders over to the shelf where the series is housed and Sylvain follows. “Oh, you’ll love the rest of them, then – they actually change the title each time with a different adjective. This time it’s The Tales of the Brave Princess Cordelia , and boy does she need bravery in this one.”

 

“Sounds exciting!” Bernie says, reaching for the book on a high shelf. She should have grabbed a step ladder… “I hope it’s not too scary, though.”

 

“No no, it’s still an adventure novel, not horror. Here, let me get that for you.” Sylvain reaches over her and easily retrieves the volume. How is it legal for anyone to be that tall?

 

He hands it to Bernadetta without any of the flourish she might have expected from him and simply says, “Here you go. I can put the first volume away for you if you want to take this and start reading.”

 

“Oh, um, you don’t really have to–” Bernie starts, but you know what? He’s tall enough and she does really want to start this next book right away, so, “–but um, thanks! Bye!”

 

She clutches the novel to her chest and rushes out of the library, not sparing a second glance at Sylvain. That went pretty well, actually! Maybe Sylvain isn’t as scary as she thought?

Behind her, Sylvain lopes over to the desk where The Tales of the Beautiful Princess Cordelia Vol. 1 is still lying. He slides it off the desk, and as he does so, several loose pages fall to the ground. Sylvain bends to shuffle together the fallen leaves of paper, and whistles as he sees the contents. “What do we have here?”

Notes:

Sylvain and Bernie have such an awesome friendship dynamic which I'm planning to bring into play as we continue! Not to mention having the Sylvain angle on both sides of this fic will be fun 👀

I especially wanted to include their friendship after reading a delightful platonic fic by Liza_Taylor: A Story From Me to You

Next time we'll get more Sylbernie friendship and more Felix, too! Stay safe out there folks, take care. xx

Chapter 15

Summary:

Bernadetta makes an unexpected friend. Felix gets an unexpected truth bomb.

Notes:

Wow, I kind of can't believe it took me two months to get this chapter out. I did churn out a Lysithea/Felix one shot for Christmas though, so if you're looking for something to read, it's here.

On to the chapter!

Felix arrives at the Blue Lions classroom early; Catherine is giving a seminar today and he wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to learn from one of her skill.

 

He isn’t surprised to find he’s not the first one there, but what does surprise him is who it is. The soft scurrying and mutterings of one mousy purple-haired classmate alerts him to her presence. Bernadetta seems more frantic than usual, crawling under tables and turning over textbooks with a desperate energy. 

 

He scuffs his feet and clears his throat to avoid spooking her, but Bernadetta squeaks and knocks her head on the underside of a desk nonetheless. He walks over to the desk she’s bashfully crawling out from underneath. “Looking for something?”

 

She dusts herself off nervously as she gets out from under the table. “Nope! Um, nope, wasn’t looking for anything. It’s nothing!” Felix raises an eyebrow. This is the most twitchy he’s seen her in a while, so it’s pretty obvious it’s not nothing. “I uh, I gotta go!”

 

Bernadetta dashes past him out of the classroom as Mercedes and Annette walk in.

 

“Oh my,” Mercedes says, bemused. “What’s all that about?”

 

The two girls turn back to Felix. “Beats me,” he mutters.

 

---

 

Ohhhhhh no. Oh no . Ohnoohnoohnoohnoohno.

 

She’s looked everywhere . Everywhere! Bernadetta has already torn her dorm room apart, checked the library, the stables, the dining hall, the greenhouse, the classroom, and even the training grounds, but her manuscript is nowhere to be found.

 

She’s now hiding out by the fishing pond, crouching down behind the piled up crates where Pickles’ kittens are peacefully sleeping. She wraps her arms around her knees, unable to even find solace in how cute and fluffy they are.

 

What if someone found her manuscript? What if they threw it out, or worse, read it? Or worse still, showed it to someone else? She’ll be the laughing stock of the whole monastery in no time, and if she doesn’t die of the humiliation then her father will find out and drag her home and her whole life will be over …

 

“I should never have written it in the first place,” Bernie groans into her knees. “Stupid, clumsy Bernie, you’ve ruined everything.” The clock tower strikes noon and the sleeping kittens begin to wake and groom one another. “I should have just thrown the whole thing in the fire. It was never any good anyway. That’s the first thing I’ll do when I find it… if I find it. But what if someone did read it?! Maybe I’d have to throw them in a fire too… Wait! No Bernie, you can’t think things like that!”

 

Bernie is slowly falling into a guilt spiral when a voice startles her from behind her. “Oh, Bernadetta! There you are!”

 

Bernadetta screams and falls backwards, spooking the kittens who scatter in all directions. Bernie scrabbles to lean back up on her hands, and gapes up in terror at the impossibly tall figure looming over her.

 

“Oh hey, are you okay?” The voice belongs to Sylvain. What could he want with her? Unless… oh no. “You weren’t in class this morning, so I couldn’t give this back to you. You left it in the library.”

 

Much to Bernadetta’s continually expanding horror, clutched in Sylvain’s outstretched hand is, as she feared, her lost manuscript of Elincia: Warrior Princess.

 

Life returns to Bernie’s frozen body and she snatches the papers out of Sylvain’s hand, standing clumsily as she does so. “What – how did you get this?” she accuses.

 

Sylvain seems surprised at the ferocity in her tone and raises his hands as he takes a step back. “Whoa, I didn’t mean to find it, but you left it with your book in the library last night. And actually, I wanted to tell you I think it’s really good–”

 

“ You read it?!” Bernadetta’s shriek echoed across the pond, drawing curious looks from knights and clergy passing by.

 

Sylvain steps back toward her with his hands lowered into an attempt at a soothing gesture. “Well it was an accident but I thought it–”

 

“ Nooooo! ” 

 

The absolute worst possible outcome. This absolutely could not be happening! Bernie clutches the returned story and races back to her dorm room where the inevitable backlash from this disaster wouldn’t be able to reach her.

 

---

 

Elincia now lies hidden away securely under Bernie’s mattress, and under Bernie herself as she huddles under her blankets, shivering as her thoughts run in a million directions. Struggling to pull in deeper breaths, she tries to do some of the things the professor had told her to do in a panic. Breathing was step one. Okay, next is to relax her muscles. She slowly unclenches her fists and uncurls from the fetal position. Well, that does make breathing easier…

 

A knock at the door ends her right back into a tight little ball. “Eep! N-no one’s here!” she says feebly.

 

A man clears his throat on the other side of the door. “It’s Felix.”

 

Felix? Oh no, he’s probably angry at her for being so rude to him this morning. Why can’t Bernie be normal even around the guy she likes? But she also really doesn’t want him to read her writing or even know about it; it would be so embarrassing she would probably die. She also doesn’t really want him to see her in the middle of a panic again, but she can’t just ignore him and be even more rude…

 

Bernadetta settles for shuffling over to the door with her blankets around her shoulders and talking through the door. “Um, hi.”

 

He sighs, but through the door Bernie can’t read his expression. “Did you find what you were looking for this morning?” He doesn’t mention that she wasn’t in class the whole day.

 

“Um, yeah,” Bernie says. He doesn’t sound mad, at least.

 

“Oh. Good,” Felix says shortly. “I… was going to offer to help you look for it if you hadn’t. But it’s good that you did.” He pauses. “Next time ask me. I’ll help you.”

 

Something in his tone catches Bernadetta’s attention. He seems almost… disappointed? Maybe even a bit lonely. It catches her so off guard that she forgets all about her messy hair and puffy eyes and she opens the door just enough so she can see his face.

 

He had been staring off towards the greenhouse and looks back in surprise at the sound of the door.

 

“Um, sorry, about this morning,” Bernadetta apologizes.

 

Felix lowers his raised eyebrows and runs a hand through his hair. “It’s fine, I’m glad you found it. I just… I kinda wish you trusted me more.” He looks up at her sharply. “I’m not mad, you hear? So don’t go thinking I’m mad at you.” He jams his hands in his pockets. “Anyway. See you tomorrow.”

 

Bernadetta watches him leave before closing the door. What… just happened there? Does that mean he wants to get closer to her? Bernie can’t imagine why, but he did look pretty cute just now. She giggles despite herself. Even if she likes his smile best, she’s starting to be able to tell that he acts surly when he’s being vulnerable. She’s distracted enough that she forgets about her previous troubles and pulls out a sketchbook to try and capture the expressions she was just privileged enough to witness.

 

---

 

On the one hand, Bernadetta really doesn’t want to go to class this morning and have to face Sylvain. But on the other hand, she does really want to go to class and stare at the side of Felix’s face so she can draw his silhouette later. She’d been trying all night but it wasn’t quite right yet. Is that creepy? It probably is, but no one will ever see these drawings anyway so it doesn’t matter, right? Right!

 

Bernie does her best to keep a low profile upon entering the classroom and slumps into a chair with Mercedes on one side and Dorothea on the other to avoid drawing attention. She thinks she’s done a pretty good job until Sylvain walks in the door, immediately makes eye contact with her (which she drops), and strides right over to where she’s sitting.

 

“Hey, Bernadetta! I wanted to – wait, where’d she go?” Sylvain looks around in confusion; the chair Bernadetta had occupied was now empty as Bernie had slid right off it to hide under the desk.

 

Mercedes glances down at her before smiling up at Sylvain. “It looks like she’s unavailable at the moment,” she says sweetly. “Can I take a message?”

 

“A message..?” Sylvain says. He sounds confused. Well, that’s fine. He can think she’s crazy and hopefully he won’t want to talk to her anymore! “All right, uh, can you just tell her I want to talk to her? And, I don’t know, that I don’t mean any harm?”

 

So much for that plan.

 

“We’ll pass that along,” Dorothea says, “but I can’t guarantee that she’ll believe you.”

 

---

 

The next few days pass in a similar fashion; Sylvain keeps trying to approach her, presumably to tell her how stupid she is and how horrible her story is and how he wants to get the minutes or hours of his life he spent reading it back, which Bernadetta can only assume he will try to do by murdering her and somehow absorbing her life force.

 

So naturally, Bernie does everything in her power to stay out of his path, though he seems to keep finding her anyway.

 

It’s after a few days of this when Bernadetta is hiding out in her dorm room that a letter slides in under her door.

 

Curious, she opens the envelope with a finger and begins to read the contents:

 

Dear Bernadetta,

 

I read your manuscript quite by accident and duly apologize. However, I also write today to inform you that I enjoyed your story tremendously. I laughed and cried as the heroine overcame her many obstacles, growing stronger with each step. Your literary style presents a unique perspective. I could sense you watching over the protagonist.

 

Wow… Those are a lot of compliments! And so detailed, too!

The girl's failures are as compelling as her triumphs. Since authors are told to write what they know... I believe your tale would not have been so convincing were it not for your own experiences.

Um, what does that mean, exactly? Bernie’s own experiences? And who would even go to the trouble of writing such a long and nice letter? Somehow, the letter in her hands reminds Bernadetta of her dear old uncle, who had also encouraged so long ago...

I do hope my letter inspires you to keep writing. Looking forward to the next chapter – please, please let me read it! I promise not to show anyone else or discuss it publicly or privately ever, but I just loved your work so much that I would be honored to have the privilege to know what comes next.

Your devoted fan, Sylvain.

Whoa.

Wait.

Sylvain?! Is that why he kept trying to talk to her lately, to say all these nice things?! Bernadetta sinks to the ground, her face ablaze. It’s hard to believe he really said all of that. Bernie reads the letter again to make sure she didn’t dream it.

Then the thought of Sylvain’s surprised face when she ran away from him hit her. He was being so nice, and yet she had thought of pushing him in a fire! Ugh, she really had been thinking the worst of him, and that wasn’t fair. Bernie should know.

Right, I’ve got to make it up to him! Even if it’s gonna be really scary!

---

Felix pulls his door closed and hears the handle click behind him. Movement near the floor catches his eye, and it’s – Bernadetta? She’s crouched down outside Sylvain’s room, of all people, pushing something through the crack under the door.

 

“What are you doing?” he asks before he can stop himself, because this really is odd for her. What does she have to do with Sylvain?

 

“Eep!” Shoot, scared her again. Bernadetta nearly falls over before righting herself and turning around with wide eyes to see who had caught her in the act. “F-Felix! Um, hello! I was just, um… I-I have to go!” And with that, she’s gone.

 

Felix scratches his head, staring after the empty space she had just vacated. They trained together fairly often, and he thought they were getting closer… but he should have figured it would take more than that to gain her trust.

 

Still though, what was she doing outside Sylvain’s room? That is concerning.

 

Just at that moment, Sylvain whips his door open and sticks his head outside. He looks around the hallway and noticeably does a double-take when he sees Felix, who crosses his arms.

 

“Oh, uh, hey Felix, there wasn’t someone here just – ah, you know what? Never mind,” Sylvain says with an easy smile. He begins closing his door, but Felix strides over and slams it back open.

 

“Hang on,” Felix says, his voice taking on an edge. “What are you doing with Bernadetta? I’ve seen you chasing her around lately and bothering her in class. You’re not messing around with her, are you?”

 

“What? Nah, she just came by to lend me some notes…” Felix must have looked unimpressed, because Sylvain trails off and drops the easy-going carefree act. “Come on, Felix. She’s not exactly my type.”

 

That offends Felix for some reason. “I mean ,” Sylvain continues seriously, “She’s a good person. I don’t ‘mess around’ with people like her.”

 

Felix studies his face, and decides he’s telling the truth. “Well,” Felix drops the eye contact, unable to hold it any longer, “be nice to her. She gets scared easily.”

 

This time it’s Sylvain’s turn to pause and study Felix’s face, a smirk forming that Felix does not like the look of. “Say, Fe, what about you? It’s unusual for you to get involved with my business, and even more unusual for you to take notice of someone else. What do you have to do with Bernadetta?”

 

Felix’s face burns at how smug Sylvain looks, and he turns and leaves the doorway to hide it. “What are you talking about? You’re so noisy it’s impossible not to notice.”

 

“Uh huh? Sure,” Sylvain says, smug as ever, and Felix would punch him if he didn’t think it would make him even more smug. “If you say so, Fe. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some very important reading to catch up on.” He swings the door shut, leaving Felix to wonder what the hell all of that was all about.

 

It’s not so strange to look out for a classmate, is it? Or rather, a–a friend. He and Bernadetta are friends, right? The image of Bernadetta flinching and running off at his approach springs to his mind. Well… maybe friends is a bit strong of a word.

 

Felix sighs and scratches at his hair roughly before kicking at the wall and making his way out of the dorm.

 

---

 

“No.” Dorothea’s voice is firm.

 

“But – but Dorothea, I can’t go without you! Please?” Bernadetta pleads.

 

Dorothea pulls a brush through her long brown hair and locks eyes with Bernadetta in her vanity mirror. “Bern, you know I love you. But you’ve already dragged me to way too many tea parties with one insufferable red-head, and I cannot deal with a second. If you want to meet with Sylvain, you’ll have to do it without me.”

 

Bernadetta pouts. “But… I won’t know what to say and it’ll be awkward and he’ll probably hate me,” she says.

 

Dorothea turns around to face her directly, and gently takes her hands. “You can do this,” she says softly. “Think about how far you’ve come this year! You’ve made friends with nearly everyone in our class, and some people outside of it. Heck, you even get along with Felix , a feat not just anyone can claim they’ve accomplished. Sylvain is pretty good at small talk anyway; you’ll be just fine.”

 

“You really think so?” Bernie sniffs.

 

Dorothea nods and smiles. “I do! I mean, I’m still a little baffled why you would want to hang out with such a weasel and my offer to break his arm if he tries anything funny still stands, but I trust your judgment and if you want to be friends with him then I know you can.” She lets go of one hand to ruffle Bernie’s hair.

 

“Okay,” Bernie says, taking a deep breath and standing up straighter. “I… I can do this!”

 

Bernadetta heads to the monastery gates, holding the note Sylvain had slipped under her door the night before, along with the returned manuscript. “ Bernadetta, this chapter was fantastic! I couldn’t put it down once I started reading. Would you be willing to meet up so I can gush about all the things I loved about it? Or we can just chat about books in general! I know a great quiet spot on the monastery grounds, and I can bring some sweets from the bakery in town – you haven’t lived til you’ve tried their cinnamon buns. Meet me at the gates at two o’clock if you want to come!”

 

She fidgets behind a merchant stall by the gates so she won’t stand out too much. She’d decided to get there early so she can see Sylvain when he arrives. There was still a small voice in her head worrying that this was all a prank and Sylvain wouldn’t be coming at all, but those fears are quickly alleviated when Sylvain strolls in through the gates and spots her, sending a cheery wave her way.

 

“Hey, you came!” he says, trotting up to her. He pats a basket looped over one arm. “I’ve got the goods, freshly baked – actually, everything ended up looking so good I bought one of everything. You ready to go? There’s this spot I love to go to read, nice and quiet.”

 

Bernadetta nods quietly as Sylvain rambles on, daring to feel a little excited and relieved that Sylvain is taking care of the talking.

 

They walk for a while outside the monastery walls, the clear blue sky and afternoon sunshine streaming down on them. Eventually Sylvain announces, “We’re here!” at what Bernie has to admit is a perfect reading spot: shady trees on a hill where passersby were unlikely to see or hear them.

 

Sylvain sets the basket down and pulls out a flannel blanket which he shakes out and sets on the ground. “Come on, take a seat,” he says, pulling out baked goods wrapped in napkins.

 

“Y-you really didn’t have to do all this,” Bernadetta stammers as she kneels down on the plaid flannel.

 

“Hey, it’s no problem,” he replies, “I do this kind of thing all the time when I take girls out–” Bernie freezes just like a rabbit being stalked by a predator, just like Petra says she does, and about a thousand thoughts rush through her head in the span of a second, like: is this a date?! Is she another one of his girls? He didn’t say it was going to be like that! But then who would want to date Bernie? This must be a horrible prank to humiliate her!

 

“Ah shoot, sorry, I didn’t mean–” Sylvain stumbles over his words, seeming to sense her distress. “This isn’t a date, I wasn’t trying to imply that.” He scratches at his neck sheepishly. “Hopefully that’s not… disappointing to you?”

 

“It’s good!” Bernie blurts a little too loudly, then claps her hands over her mouth. “Oh, that was rude, sorry, but I already– I mean, I just wanted to talk about stories and…”

 

Sylvain laughs in relief. “That’s good, because that’s all I wanted too. Want a pastry?”

 

Deep breath, Bernie. You can do this! It’s all okay! “Um, sure. Although the carrot cake looks really good…”

 

They help themselves to the generous assortment of sweets laid out on the picnic blanket. “So, was the offer of sweets the reason you decided to come out today? After last time I wasn’t sure if you’d actually want to come,” Sylvain says.

 

“Well, it certainly helped,” Bernie admits, feeling somewhat embarrassed, but not for long because the first bite of cake pushed all other thoughts from her mind. “Mmm! Wow, this is amazing!”

 

“Heh, I’m glad you like it,” Sylvain says with an easy smile, and just like that, the atmosphere relaxes and Bernadetta is surprised to find she actually feels… comfortable.

 

The conversation turns to Bernie’s latest chapter; apparently Sylvain was practically bursting at the seams wanting to discuss it.

 

“And then, the part where Elincia swoops down on her pegasus to take out the enemy captain just when it was looking bad for Geoffrey? Man, I was sitting on the edge of my seat. I was almost jealous that I can’t ride a pegasus myself,” Sylvain says. Bernie fidgets with her third pastry and is trying not to blush and smile but she’s pretty sure she’s doing a bad job of it. “I just love how the two of them work together without either of them getting overshadowed, I feel like that’s really hard to do in a story.”

 

It’s too much! Surely he can’t really feel that way? Bernie isn’t used to receiving so much praise, especially for her writing, and she can’t fight the compulsion to cover her face with her hands. “You – you really think so?” she squeaks.

 

“Yes!” Sylvain exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “This may seriously be the best story I’ve ever read. And it’s not even done yet. I really mean it, Bernadetta.” 

 

“Um, thank you!” Bernadetta replies from behind her hands. She’s being really awkward, she knows. But she’s doing her best, and tries to think of Dorothea who said that that’s enough.

 

“You’re very welcome,” Sylvain says. Bernadetta can hear him lie back on the blanket. “I’d say it a hundred more times, but it looks like you might not be able to handle that, so I’ll leave it at that.”

 

He’s right, he’s so right and this whole is so ridiculous that Bernie can’t help but burst into a fit of giggles and fling herself down on the blanket too. Despite all odds, today was going wonderfully. She can’t imagine what Dorothea has against Sylvain, because it turns out that he’s extremely nice.

 

“You okay there, Bernadetta?” Sylvain teases as her laughter dies down. “Actually – can I call you Bernie like Annette and Mercedes do?”

 

The last few giggles die out and Bernie nods. “Sure. Actually, it seems kind of appropriate. My uncle’s the one who gave me that nickname, and you remind me a lot of him.”

 

Sylvain props himself up on one elbow. “In a good way, I hope?”

 

“Of course!” Bernie replies, staring up at the white clouds passing by. She wonders if her uncle is up there watching over her. “I was really close with my uncle. He was the only one who ever encouraged me to write, and so in a way, you being so nice to me kind of reminds me of when I would show him my writing, and he would also get really excited about new chapters too. It… made me happy.”

 

“Well then, I’m happy to continue his legacy, Bernie,” Sylvain says. “Say, sorry to suddenly change the subject, but what do you think the chances are of me getting Dorothea to go out on a date with me?”

 

Bernie giggles again. “Well, she called you insufferable, so I’m guessing not great.”

 

---

 

Felix taps his fingers against his crossed arms as he leans against  the monastery gate. The sun is already going down, and still no sign of Sylvain or Bernadetta.

 

He had overheard Dorothea telling Mercedes that Bernadetta had gone out to meet Sylvain this afternoon, and it made his blood boil.

 

Sylvain had said he wasn’t going to mess around with her. That she’s a good person and he doesn’t do that kind of thing with people like her. So then what was he doing now then, taking her off to who knows where and doing who knows what?

 

He’d had half a mind to go out looking for them, but then his mind drew a blank on what would happen after he found them. In the end, it really isn’t any of his business who Bernadetta chooses to spend time with, or who Sylvain decides to pursue. But still, he can’t shake the feeling that Sylvain just isn’t good for her and he’s too preoccupied to do anything but stand around at the gates like a good-for-nothing with too much time on his hands.

 

But seriously, where are they? Felix swears, if they aren’t back by dark he’s going to–

 

“Felix?”

 

And it’s her voice, her chipper little face looking up at him as she climbs up the stairs. Is she smiling like that because of him, or because of her time with Sylvain? Felix notices with relief that Sylvain is walking behind her at a respectable distance.

 

“What are you doing out here?” Bernadetta asks, when Felix only nods his head in greeting.

 

Ah, shit. “Well, you know. Thinking about… swords,” he says, the most idiot awkward thing he’s ever said in his entire life. He can see Sylvain trying not to laugh from behind Bernadetta and that pisses him off. “The blacksmith,” Felix coughs out, trying to save face in front of her. “I’m thinking of getting her to forge me a new one.”

 

Sylvain raises his eyebrow and gives a knowing nod. That asshole.

 

“Oh, well that sounds good,” Bernadetta says, with more grace than she knows. “Well, um, it’s getting kinda late, so I’m going to head back to my room. Bye Felix, bye Sylvain.” She waves and trots off into the monastery.

 

As soon as she’s out of sight, Felix turns on Sylvain and grabs him by the collar, all of his frustration bursting out at once.

 

“What the hell,” Felix growls. “You said you weren’t messing around with her.”

 

“And I’m not,” Sylvain says, shrugging out of Felix’s grasp. He has the gall to sound annoyed. “I meant what I said, and I know I’ve got a reputation but nothing happened today. We talked. We’re friends. Relax, Felix.”

 

As if that’s enough to placate Felix. “Talked, huh?” he says. “Talked about what, exactly? You’re not exactly known for your conversation .”

 

Sylvain sighs, puts his hands on his hips. “I promised Bernadetta I wouldn’t tell anyone, so… let’s just say we talked about books and stuff. Stories. Okay?”

 

Felix narrows his eyes at Sylvain, trying to figure out if he’s telling the truth.

 

Sylvain claps a hand on Felix’s shoulder, starting to regain his smug look from earlier. “Look, you’re my friend, so I promise I won’t make any moves on her.” he says. “Since you’re obviously in love with her.”

 

That is not what Felix was expecting. Sylvain pats him twice on the shoulder and heads into the monastery, leaving Felix standing by the gate, wide eyed and stunned.

 

Notes:

Remember that time Bernadetta thought about shoving Sylvain in a fire? Good times, good times.

I think Felix is really cute when he's jealous, haha. And he's finally starting to Get a Clue! But if you think there will be kissing any time soon then I have bad news for you, son.

Thanks as always for reading and take care of yourselves out there! xx

Chapter 16

Summary:

Felix fights it, but he can't win.

“You’re obviously in love with her.”

 

Felix’s chest heaves as Sylvain’s words from the previous night ring in his ears. The early morning sun is just starting to peek into the training grounds, where he’s spent the last two hours trying to figure out why those words are haunting him so fiercely. Unfortunately, the training dummy he’s been eviscerating doesn’t have any answers for him.

 

He moves through another series of footwork, hoping that the extra bloodflow will help clarify his thoughts. It hasn’t worked so far, but maybe one more time will do the trick.

 

He’s not in love with Bernadetta. Is he? Doesn’t being in love involve pining and googly eyes and idiot sappy stuff like dates and gifts? That doesn’t describe his relationship with Bernadetta at all. But if Sylvain was totally off the mark, then that doesn’t explain why those words are still bothering him so much.

 

It’s true that he is closer with her than most of his other classmates, can relax with her in a way that he can’t even with his old friends. Sure, he cares about her, doesn’t want her to get hurt, doesn’t want her to cry. That’s normal for friends, right? He cares about Ingrid too.

 

But… When he thinks of how his stomach clenched into knots when Bernadetta was off with Sylvain, he knows he wouldn’t be bothered if the positions were swapped and Ingrid was off with Sylvain instead. They can do whatever they want together for all he cares. But Bernadetta…

 

Well, after all she’s been through, she deserves someone who will be careful with her heart. Someone who will make her smile. That could be anyone. Doesn’t have to be him. Then why does the thought of someone else on a sunny hillside making her laugh her precious laugh make him so damn angry?

 

“Felix? Felix!”

 

Catherine’s voice breaks through his thoughts and he nearly trips.

 

“You okay there? I called your name four times. How long have you been here? Your movements are getting erratic.” Catherine watches him with a raised eyebrow as Felix heaves breaths down into his lungs. Now that he’s paying attention he’s soaked in sweat.

 

“I was just finishing up,” he grunts.

 

“Probably a good idea,” Catherine says skeptically.

 

Felix heads to the bath to clean up, still no closer to answers than he was two hours ago. Clearly, he needs to get a good look at Bernadetta in the light of day to reassess his feelings for her.

 

Fresh and clean, Felix eventually finds Bernadetta outside the stables of all places, along with the professor, Ingrid, and Ferdinand.

 

Felix stops far enough away that they won’t notice him, and squints at Bernadetta. What does he feel when he looks at her? What is he supposed to feel?

 

Bernadetta looks nervously into the stables, and a moment later Ingrid comes out of the building, leading a pegasus out onto the staging area. Bernadetta looks toward the professor with trepidation, and he nods at her encouragingly. Felix inches closer so he can hear what they’re saying.

 

“A-are you sure about this?” Bernadetta says, visibly trembling. “Being that high up is terrifying , I even get dizzy during sky watch duty, do you really think I should be a pegasus knight? I-I really think I’d be better off studying for the sniper exams, instead!”

 

Byleth shakes his head with a slight smile; he speaks in a gentle voice that’s almost too soft for Felix to hear at this distance. “You’ll be perfect at this,” he says. “And just think – from that high up it’ll be much harder for anyone to hit you. And you’ll be able to run away much faster.”

 

Felix can’t help but smirk. That’s definitely the way to convince Bernadetta of something…

 

Ingrid pipes up next. “Professor, I can’t help but feel that’s not the mindset we should be encouraging for Bernadetta. Becoming a pegasus rider should give her confidence in her strength and speed, not feed her fears,” she says.

 

Byleth’s smile only widens (albeit very slightly), and he gently takes the reins from Ingrid and passes them to Bernadetta.

 

“No, the professor’s right,” Bernadetta says, voice soft with wonder and growing louder with excitement. “He’s right! That’s so great, this is why you’re the best professor ever!”

 

The pegasus shakes its head at the exclamation, and Bernadetta moves forward to soothe it. “Oh, sorry, did I spook you? I was just so excited to meet you!” She pats its nose gently. “I’m Bernie, what’s your name?”

 

“This is Penelope,” Ingrid answers. “She’s going to be the pegasus you’re assigned to train and battle with, so it’ll be your job to take care of her, too. Here, let’s get you in the saddle.”

 

Ingrid steadies Bernadetta as she gets a foot in the stirrup and hoists herself onto the saddle, while the professor and Ferdinand stand a safe distance away. She looks nervous, but not as miserable as she did before.

 

She gives Penelope another pat and says, “Hey, th-this isn’t so bad, right? I can do it, right professor?”

 

Byleth nods his encouragement and Ferdinand chimes in from beside him. “If you would like, Bernadetta, I can offer you riding instruction – on the ground, of course. Unfortunately I’m not much good on a wyvern, and the pegasi won’t allow one of my sex near them.”

 

“Hey, are you trying to suggest I’m not a good enough teacher?” Ingrid quips, and Ferdinand flounders as Ingrid continues to prod him.

 

Eventually the three of them get Bernadetta in the air and perform a few basic techniques before landing again. Felix continues to watch, trying to gauge his feelings for her. Certainly he’s interested in her wellbeing. He’s interested to know that she’ll be promoted to pegasus knight soon; that will certainly make for some new tactical possibilities. Was he just bothered by what Sylvain said because it was so absurd? Bernadetta brings her pegasus down to land, and Felix doesn’t feel anything out of the ordinary.

 

As Bernadetta dismounts, she finally notices Felix and catches his eye.

Oh.

Her face splits into a grin, and time seems to slow down. She waves and runs over, hair catching the morning sunlight, and Felix can’t help but smile back as she beams at him. His heart rate picks up; did it always do that when she was near?

 

“Felix!” Bernadetta calls out as she gets nearer. “Did you hear? I’m going to train to be a pegasus knight!” Her face is pure innocent excitement.

 

“I saw, yeah,” Felix says, and it’s a miracle that he’s still able to talk right now. But she’s right in front of him, and she’s so happy and she’s smiling at him and the crisp autumn air is starting to feel a little warmer.

 

“This is gonna be so great,” she continues. “I can stay really far out of reach and run away really fast! And I love animals! Oh, hey, will you help me train for the lance part of the exam?”

 

“Yeah, of course,” he replies, and clears his throat to cover the fact that his voice comes out a little strange.

 

“Hey, are you planning to leave us to take care of Penelope here?” Ingrid calls.

 

“Oh right, sorry!” Bernadetta shouts back, then turns back to Felix. “See you tonight at the training grounds?”

 

Felix ducks his head in a nod. “See you tonight.”

 

Bernadetta waves and trots off, and Felix heads back to the bathhouse to dunk his head in a bucket of cold water.

 

---

 

Felix makes his way back to the training grounds that evening, his denial hanging by one precarious thread, but maybe this morning was just a fluke. Just something about the particular angle of the sun, of the direction the wind was blowing, that he had spent too long in the sauna after his bath.

 

He’s not normally the sort to put stock in that sort of nonsense, but he’s getting desperate. He doesn’t have time to fall in love. There are more important things to do, and enough people he already needs to protect. He doesn’t spend much time imagining the future, but the moments he does, he’s never once indulged in some lovesick fantasy. Frankly, the whole prospect just didn’t make any sense.

 

So he’s going to give this one last try and see if he can just get through this training session without anything bizarre happening.

 

“You’re here!” Bernadetta says as he enters the hall. She’s already got everything set up, and holds out a training sword to Felix by the flat of the blade. “Thanks again for helping me.”

 

Felix takes the hilt and gives the sword a few swings out of force of habit. “No problem,” Felix says perfectly normally. “I’m not really great with lances though, so I’m not sure how much help I’ll really be.”

 

“Oh, that’s okay!” Bernadetta says, picking up her lance and getting into her stance. “Ingrid’s already taught me a lot, but I thought some extra sparring would help me get some more practice in a different situation.”

 

“All right then, that I can do,” Felix says, and he can feel himself half-smile. That’s normal. Totally normal. He holds his sword at the ready. “Let’s start, then.”

 

“Right.” Bernadetta settles into her stance, knees bent and feet shoulder-width apart. She’s really come a long way over the last few months.

 

But what’s really astounding is the way she focuses when she fights, and it’s stood out to Felix from the very first night they bumped into each other here in the training grounds. All her nervous energy is channeled into razor sharp attention, and her usual habit of slouching and hiding herself away is smoothed into strong and confident posture.

 

It is, Felix realizes, quite beautiful.

 

Perhaps it’s because he’s so busy realizing this that Bernadetta lands a hit on him within the first few rounds of back-and-forth.

 

Bernadetta gasps. “I did it!” She smiles, then looks more carefully at him. “You’re not going easy on me, are you?”

 

Felix clears his throat. “I’m just getting warmed up,” he says.

 

They raise their weapons again, and Felix berates himself for his lack of focus. A slip like that in a real battle could get himself killed.

 

He rushes at Bernadetta with a quick series of blows, which she expertly dodges or blocks, but which nevertheless force her back. Normally he would probably save this sort of intensity for later in the session, but something inside him feels a need to be in control.

 

He continues to push her back, one step at a time, until her back is up against the wall, Felix’s sword against her throat, and Felix is once again close enough to breathe in her scent, honey and candle wax, and instantly he’s reminded of his arms around Bernadetta, her hair brushing his cheek as he helped her with her bow hold all those months ago.

 

“Yield,” Felix says, acutely aware of the hammering in his chest and how rapidly his breaths are coming.

 

Bernadetta is breathing hard too. “I yield,” she says. “I guess I’ve still got some training to do, huh.”

 

Felix realizes with a start that he still has her pressed up against the wall, and hastily steps back. “Well,” he says, still catching his breath, “that’s why we’re here. Let’s take a break for a minute, though.”

 

Goddess knows he needs to if he’s going to survive the rest of this training session.

 

---

 

Felix stabs at his breakfast the next morning.

 

There’s no denying it, then. He has feelings for Bernadetta.

 

Unfortunately, Felix has absolutely no idea what to do with those feelings; he’s never felt anything like it before. It’s a dangerous distraction as proved by last night’s training session, and at any rate, feelings have never been his strong suit.

 

Give him a sword and let him fight his problems, and Felix would be content.

 

“Good morning sunshine.” Sylvain slides onto the bench across from him. Felix rewards him with a glare. “Did your eggs do something to offend you? Distract you from your training perhaps, or waste your time with foolish frivolities?”

 

“Shut up unless you want me to stab you with my fork next,” Felix growls. Actually, this whole predicament is Sylvain’s fault, when he thinks about it. Maybe he should drag Sylvain to the training grounds later and they can “work on brawling”.

 

Sylvain is oblivious to Felix fantasizing about beating him up, and just smiles and says, “Ah, my day wouldn’t be complete without receiving a violent threat from you.” He looks over Felix’s shoulder and waves. “Hey, Bernie! Come sit with us!”

 

Felix’s eyes snap up to Sylvain’s face involuntarily at hearing him call Bernadetta by her nickname. Were they that close now? 

 

Nevermind that, she’s now setting her dining tray next to Felix and sitting down beside him. “Hey guys,” she says, smiling. Even through his muddled thoughts, Felix is still impressed by how confident she’s become. Once upon a time she would only sneak out of her room in the middle of the night, and now she ate in the dining hall for nearly every meal.

 

“Hey,” Sylvain replies easily. (How is it so easy for him?) “Congrats again on the pegasus knight promotion!”

 

Bernadetta tucks a stray hair behind her ear. “W-well, I haven’t been promoted yet, I’m just training still,” she says.

 

“Yeah, but I know you’ll get it in no time. How are you liking it so far?” Sylvain asks as the two dig into their breakfasts.

 

“I’m still pretty nervous about being so high up, but I like that I’ll be harder to hit and I like my pegasus a lot too! She’s really sweet,” Bernadetta says. “Oh, and I think Marianne might be joining us for flight practice too, and she seems really nice.”

 

They banter back and forth like that, and Felix realizes he hasn’t even said hello. He’s never been one for conversation, but surely he should be able to find something to say. 

 

But he can’t, and he feels like an idiot, and he feels confused, and he wants to just get angry and storm off like he normally would when he feels like this, but he can’t because it’s Bernadetta. Because when he gets angry, she gets upset, and he can’t take that.

 

“Oh yeah, there was that book we thought Felix would like, remember Bernie?” Sylvain says. 

Felix blinks in surprise and looks up at the mention of his name.

 

“Oh right!” Bernadetta says, and turns to Felix. “Um, we were talking about some of the books we like and we thought of one you’d probably enjoy. I can lend it to you, if you want. Oh! But no pressure, you don’t have to or anything.” Bernadetta fidgets in her seat.

 

Felix swallows and replies, “Sure, I’ll read it.”

 

The smile that prompts from Bernadetta set’s off Felix’s heart again, and it’s almost enough to lift him out of his foul mood. “Really? Okay, great! I’ll get it to you later. Oh, there’s Ingrid. I’d better get to the stables before I’m late! See you in class later!”

 

She waves cheerfully and Felix watches her make her way over to Ingrid and they leave the dining hall together.

 

“So, cat got your tongue over there or what?”

 

Felix shoots another sour look Sylvain’s way. The whole get angry and storm off plan was starting to sound pretty good to him. “Shut up,” Felix barks. “This whole thing was your idea, wasn’t it?”

 

“What, the book?” Sylvain looks unfazed. “No, we really were talking about books we liked and Bernadetta thought you might like this particular one. I only reminded her of it, and now you two have an excuse to hang out together later. You’re welcome, by the way.”

 

“Thanks but no thanks,” Felix says, abruptly standing and scraping the bench behind him against the floor. “Mind your own business.”

 

Again, Sylvain doesn’t seem bothered at all and calls after Felix on his way out of the dining hall. “Feel free to come to me for advice any time!”

 

As if.

 

---

 

Felix spends the rest of the week in a sour mood. He’s snappy at everyone, and if you asked him, he wouldn’t be able to tell you why, exactly. Then again, he’s never been keen to ask why he feels angry; anger is comfortable and he knows how to do that, so he does it.

 

On their free day, the training grounds is full, so he heads out onto the monastery grounds to find a quiet place to train away from the crowd. He walks until he finds somewhere quiet with relatively even ground, and as he rounds the top of the hill, Felix is surprised to find Bernadetta there, set up on the grass with a small easel and set of paints.

 

She notices him right away and smiles. “Oh, hi Felix! What are you doing out here?”

 

Felix silently curses his heart for getting excited just because she smiled at him. “I was just looking for someplace quiet to train,” he says. “You?”

 

“I just came out here to paint the scenery. I find it relaxing,” she says pleasantly. “Oh, wait– Am I in your way here? I-I can move, if you want!”

 

She moves as though to stand, but Felix holds out a hand. “No, don’t bother. You were here first, and anyway, there’s more than enough room for both of us” he says.

 

Bernadetta breathes a relieved sigh. “Okay, good.”

 

It’s a bit awkward, but Felix finds a good spot and Bernadetta slowly returns to her painting. Admittedly, Felix does feel a little strange knowing she could be just watching him as he trains, but he doesn’t dare to look over and see if that’s the case. He won’t allow himself to be distracted though, and clears his mind enough to work through his regimen.

 

As he gets into the flow of training, Felix finds that he actually doesn’t mind Bernadetta being there. In fact, he realizes that he feels better than he has this entire week. Maybe it’s always been this way and he never noticed, but Felix enjoys her company. They’ve barely said two words to one another, but maybe that’s what makes it nice; most of the other students at the academy aren’t content like Bernadetta is to just enjoy a companionable silence.

 

When Felix is finished, the sun is starting to set, and Felix finally allows himself to look over at Bernadetta. He knew she hadn’t left, but he smirks when he sees that she’s fallen asleep, lying back on the grass, her paints forgotten.

 

He pads over and takes a seat next to her on the ground. It’s started to cool down as the sky turns orange, so Felix takes off his jacket and drapes it over her. 

 

Bernadetta looks so peaceful when she’s sleeping. (And cute, too, says a voice in the back of Felix’s mind.) Her hair has fallen into her face, and wisps of hair get blown up and down as she breathes slowly in and out. Felix leans over to brush her bangs behind her ear with a finger, and puffs out a little laugh when he sees paint smudged on her face. He briefly considers wiping it off, but the thought of her waking up while he does it is too horrifying so he just decides to wait and tell her when she’s awake instead.

 

With nothing to do but wait, Felix turns his gaze to the horizon, where the sun is making its slow orange descent. It’s been a long time since he allowed himself a moment like this, but… it’s nice.

 

He realizes too that Bernadetta’s painting is in view. She might be upset if he looks at it, but it’s already too late as his eyes pass over it. She’s done an impressive job at capturing the landscape, but it seems like… she painted him as well? There’s definitely a dark haired swordsman thrusting his sword among the painted trees… Felix’s face warms and he’s not sure how to feel about that.

 

The sun sinks lower and Felix is wondering if he should just wake Bernadetta before it gets dark when he hears her stirring beside him.

 

“Oh hey, you’re awake,” he says casually.

 

“Mn, what time is it..?” Bernadetta blearily rubs at one eye, then bolts upright. “Wait–did you see my painting? Nooo, how embarrassing!”

 

“I didn’t mean to,” Felix says as Bernadetta buries her face in her hands. “It was just there. If it makes you feel better though, I’m impressed by your skills.”

 

Bernadetta sits up, clutching at his jacket. “Really? You’re not just saying that?”

 

Felix nods. “I don’t give out false praise. Although… I couldn’t help but notice that that swordsman kind of looks like me,” he says.

 

Maybe it’s the light, but Bernadetta appears to go a little pink at that and says, “W-well, I was painting the scenery, and… you were also, um, just there.” At that moment, she seems to realize what she’s holding and bolts upright, eyes wide. “Oh! Your jacket! Wait, how long were you waiting for me? You must have been cold! And then instead of thanking you I just went off about the painting, how rude… Oh, stupid Bernie…”

 

“It’s not a problem,” Felix says. “Actually, it was kind of nice. I don’t usually watch the sun set very often.”

 

“R-really?” Bernadetta says hopefully. Felix nods, and takes his jacket back from Bernadetta when she holds it out to him. “Thanks for lending me this.”

 

“Like I said, it’s not a big deal,” he says, and a thought occurs to him. “By the way, you know how everyone always calls you Bernie?” It feels awkward on his tongue. “I just wondered if… you’d prefer if I called you that too.”

 

It shouldn’t be such a nerve-wracking question, but that doesn’t stop Felix’s heart from racing as Bernadetta ponders her answer. “Well, if you want to, sure,” she says thoughtfully. “It’s a nickname my uncle gave me, and I always liked it because my full name never really felt like it fit me. Or more like I never fit it.” She looks up, thinking. “Now that I think about it though, I… kind of like the way it sounds when you say my full name. Like it finally feels right.”

 

Felix swallows his heart, which has suddenly made a home in his throat. He nods while he steadies himself, and says “I see,” extremely lamely when he’s convinced he can keep his voice even.

 

The conversation peters out, and Felix racks his brain for something to say as Bernadetta begins packing up her art supplies. “Oh yeah, wasn’t there some book you wanted me to read? You brought it up in the dining hall the other day but I haven’t heard anything else about it since then,” he says.

 

“Oh, right!” Bernadetta lights up again. “I was so busy with flying practice I forgot to pick it up from the library but I’ll go get it tomorrow. I really think you’ll enjoy it!”

 

“I’ll look forward to it, then,” Felix says, but what he’s really looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow.

 

Bernadetta finishes packing her paints away in her satchel and frowns, looking at something inside the bag. She chews her lip for a moment, seeming to consider something, then turns to Felix intently.

 

“Hey Felix?” she says. “There’s actually… something else I want you to read. Or more like… You can read it if you want but it’s probably really terrible so you don’t have to!”

 

Her eyes are screwed shut, and Felix simply raises an eyebrow and waits for her to continue. 

 

“It’s just um, I’ve been working on a story, and Sylvain said it was pretty good and I thought maybe… you’d also… Agh, nevermind! This was a terrible idea.”

 

Bernadetta busies herself trying to shove the papers back into her bag, but Felix places a hand on her arm before she can close the flap. “Stop. I’ll read it,” he says calmly, although in his mind he’s running a victory lap around Sylvain. So much for their secret book club!

 

“A-are you sure? ‘Cause it’s really not that good, and I wouldn’t want to waste your time,” she says, but she’s already stopped trying to shove the manuscript away.

 

“Yes, I’m sure,” Felix says. “I want to read it. Now, will you give it to me?” He holds out his hand, and after a moment Bernadetta shyly places the stack of papers in his grasp. “Thank you. Now, we really should get back to the monastery, it’s nearly dark now.”

 

He puts the manuscript into his own satchel and stands, and Bernadetta joins him, a small smile now lighting up her face. 

 

“Oh right,” Felix says. “You’ve got paint on your face.” And this time he reaches out and brushes it off her cheek with his thumb, revelling in the way her cheeks flush but she doesn’t retreat from his touch.

 

“What?!” Bernadetta squeals, chasing after Felix as he starts heading back. “It was there the whole time and you didn’t tell me? Felix!”

 

Felix smiles a real genuine smile as dusk falls around them and they return to the safety of the monastery walls together. 

 

So he has feelings for Bernadetta. But maybe that’s not a bad thing – he enjoyed himself today, he liked spending time with her and he finds himself wanting to do it again. Felix can’t remember the last time he spent an afternoon so pleasantly.

 

Even if it doesn’t go anywhere, maybe it would be okay to just enjoy the time they can spend together.

 

Notes:

Oh god imagine poor Felix deciding to be less of an edgelord only for a war to start in a few months ;_;

Anyway I had WAY too much fun torturing Felix this time!! Heeheeheeeeeeeeeee
Hope you enjoyed this one! Goddess knows I enjoyed writing it.

Take care out there! xx

Chapter 17

Summary:

It's Bernie's birthday!

Notes:

No one wanted to read about battles right? Ok great cuz I don't like writing them lol

*hands you a platter of fluff*

“Really?” Bernadetta practically squeals. “You really thought it was good?”

 

“Yes, I liked it,” Felix says, tossing the manuscript on the bench next to Bernadetta where she’s getting ready for this evening’s sparring session. “For someone who hates fighting, you’re remarkably good at writing battle scenes.”

 

“Wow, thank you so much!” Bernadetta gushes, feeling heat rise to her face. She had been anxiously awaiting Felix’s response to her manuscript and spent the whole time worrying if he would think it was trash and want to stop spending time with her altogether. What a relief to know he actually thought it was remarkably good!

 

“Although…” Felix starts, and Bernadetta’s heart stops for a moment.

 

“Although…?” she prompts, when Felix pauses.

 

“That Geoffrey guy would be way cooler if he used a sword instead of a lance.”

 

Bernadetta blinks. “Wait, what?” She couldn’t help but burst out into laughter at that; what an incredibly Felix thing to say. “You’re just saying that because you’re biased. Geoffrey is plenty cool as he is.” What a strange feeling. Not only does Bernadetta feel comfortable teasing Felix, but she’s also defending her work! Bernie wasn’t expecting this, but she decides that she likes it.

 

She’s rewarded for her boldness with a half smile, which Bernadetta knows is practically a grin on Felix. “Maybe so, but I still think the sword is the better weapon. Oh, right,” he adds. “There was one scene I didn’t really get. You know when Geoffrey takes Elincia out to the forest?”

 

Oh saints, she forgot that she included that scene, where the male lead confesses his love to princess Elincia! How embarrassing! “U-um, yeah, what about it?” Bernadetta responds as evenly as possible.

 

“Right, well he takes her out to the forest and there’s all these fireflies. How is that romantic? Don’t girls hate bugs?” It’s a relief that Felix isn’t looking at her as he says this, instead continuing the conversation as he works through his warmup routine.

 

“W-well, yeah, but haven’t you ever seen fireflies? They glow at night time and when there’s a lot of them, it’s like the stars have all come down to earth! I-I think that’s pretty romantic!” It’s impossible for Bernie not to blush, but she looks down at her practice arrows to keep her face hidden.

 

“I guess I’ve never seen that, then,” Felix says. “Maybe there aren’t that many fireflies in Faerghus.”

 

“Oh, there’s lots of them in Varley!” Bernadetta says, venturing a look back at Felix. “Not that I went outside that much, but I remember always seeing them on the castle grounds when I was a kid.” It was one of the few happy memories she had of her home, before her only friend had been taken away and she spent her days hiding away.

 

“Hm. Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to seeing that one day,” Felix says, and Bernie warms at the idea of the two of them being together even after their academy days are over. “Anyway, I’d like to read the next chapter when it’s ready,” Felix continues. “And show me before Sylvain.”

 

---

 

Bernie meets Marianne at the stables the next morning for some early flight practice. Marianne is really incredible with the animals, even if she usually denies any compliments, and Bernadetta finds her pretty easy to be around. She’s certainly much less intimidating than training with say, Ingrid, or Ferdinand.

 

“Thanks for helping me with this, Marianne,” Bernie says as they return to the stables. “Those pointers you gave me were a huge help!”

 

“O-oh, no, I didn’t really do anything,” Marianne responds in her usual soft-spoken manner. “I think the professor has just taught you really well.”

 

“Hm, well, Professor Byleth is really amazing,” Bernie says, brushing down Penelope’s coat. “But I also know that you’ve helped me a lot too, so thanks!”

 

Marianne doesn’t respond directly to that, and Bernie can understand that. Despite all her progress, she still finds it hard to accept compliments most of the time too. But that doesn’t mean she can’t still say nice things to Marianne, and hopefully make her feel better about herself the way Dorothea and the other Blue Lions girls had helped her.

 

“Um, I’ve been thinking,” Marianne says after a pause, “do you think the professor would allow me to join your class? I’d really… like to learn more from him. He makes me think that… maybe even someone like me could be useful.” She finishes her words in a mumble, like she’s ashamed to say them.

 

Bernie turns away from her pegasus to face Marianne with an excited smile. “I would be so happy if you joined our class! I really like spending time with you,” she says as Marianne looks away. “I bet the professor would definitely let you join, he’s super nice and encouraging! The rest of the classmates are really nice too, I was really nervous when I joined but I’m really good friends with everyone now - well, almost everyone anyway.” She’d never really connected with the prince, but these days she was even pretty comfortable around Dedue in the greenhouse or on kitchen duty.

 

As if summoned by their conversation, the professor enters the stables at that moment. “There you are, Bernadetta,” he says. “Would you care to join me for tea?”

 

“A-am I in trouble?” Bernadetta says weakly. She’s not scared of the professor, but she can’t remember any time she’s been asked to tea by a teacher before, so surely it must be because she’s done something wrong.

 

Byleth shakes his head with a smile. “It’s your birthday today,” he says, and Marianne startles from staring at the floor.

 

“Oh no, I didn’t realize it was your birthday today,” Marianne says, flustered but still gentle. “I’m so sorry I didn’t say it before, but… happy birthday.”

 

Oh… Somehow, Bernie had forgotten that today is her birthday. It wasn’t something she had ever looked forward to, or had ever celebrated in her home growing up. Her mother might slip her some extra dessert, but that was about it.

 

“Um, thanks,” Bernie says, almost in a daze. “I guess today is my birthday, huh?”

--

 

Felix folds his arms as Dorothea claps her hands loudly to get the rest of the class’s attention. She had summoned them all to the classroom for who knows what reason. She had recruited Ingrid to restrain him from leaving when he complained that this was a waste of time and that he should be training, so at a certain point he gave up and was now waiting impatiently to find out what the hell was so important.

 

“All right everyone, as you all know today is our dear Bern’s birthday,” she announces. Felix freezes mid-passive aggressive arm tapping - he hadn’t known it was her birthday today. He’d just seen Bernadetta last night, and she hadn’t said anything about it.

 

Dorothea continues through Felix’s mental panic. “Now, I know we all love Bernie very much, but we also know that she gets overwhelmed very easily and would probably not enjoy a big party where she’s the center of attention. So, I’ve come up with a perfect solution: I’ll collect everyone’s gifts and cards and deliver them to her so she can enjoy them at her own pace. Please find me before dinner so I can include your gift in the package!” Looking around, Felix notices that some of the girls already had gifts ready. “Yes, that’s all Felix, you’re free to go.”

 

“I didn’t say anything,” he grumbles, but no one is listening.

 

Feeling self-conscious, Felix stalks out of the classroom, training plans forgotten. How did everyone else know about Bernadetta’s birthday? He hadn’t heard anyone mention it, even once. Then again, he often tuned out the idle chatter of his classmates…

 

In any case, he should give her something. If he doesn’t, she might think he hates her or something. But more importantly… He feels incredibly awkward even admitting it to himself, but Bernadetta means a lot to Felix and he’ll be kicking himself later if he’s the ass who doesn’t give her anything for her birthday.

 

He heads in the opposite direction of the training grounds and heads to the gate, resolving to find a merchant in town who might be selling something appropriate.

 

Unfortunately for Felix, after an hour of being harangued by various merchants hawking their wares, he still has absolutely no idea what to buy. The last time he bought a gift for anyone, period, must have been… when he was a child.

 

He sighs angrily, startling some children passing by, and tries to focus. What would be a good gift for Bernadetta? What does she like? 

 

She likes writing, so what about a new pen? Even Felix knows that’s lame. Doesn’t she like plants too? But Felix doesn’t trust himself to buy plant seeds or equipment, he’d probably buy something shoddy or ill suited to grow at the monastery and that would be a dud.

 

Felix knows Bernadetta likes sweets… It just seems so generic, and well, not really him. But giving gifts isn’t “him” at all, so how is he supposed to do this!

 

Felix is about to swear off birthdays altogether when he spots another stall he had missed before.  A young woman behind a table full of small trinkets and jewelry catches his eye and waves him over. Felix rolls his eyes but walks over anyway; he’s tired of this song and dance already, but the wares on the table might just be what he’s looking for.

 

“Anything I can help you find?” the seller asks cheerfully.

 

“I’ll look in silence, thank you,” Felix responds, hoping it might actually work this time. The merchant seems surprised, but mercifully holds her tongue.

 

Felix’s eyes roam over the display, and a small ring jumps out at him. Silver, with a small purple stone set in the middle. He picks it up to get a closer look, and the merchant apparently can’t keep quiet anymore.

 

“Ah, looking for a ring for a special lady-friend? Planning to pop the big question?”

 

Felix hastily puts the ring back, nearly dropping it in his rush. “N-no,” he stammers, feeling the absolute fool. Of course a ring would have such a connotation, what would Bernadetta think if he gave her that for her birthday? “I’m just… I’m looking for a birthday gift.” He’s loathe to ask for help, but honestly at this point he could really use it.

 

“I see, I see,” the merchant nods in understanding. “So something a bit more casual then, right? Maybe take a look at the necklaces, or the bracelets even.”

 

She points to the table and Felix follows her direction. The necklaces were all so… dangly. Horribly impractical. Bracelets then. That should be good right? Something she could wear under the gloves she used for archery would make sure it wouldn’t become dangerous.

 

Felix stares at the display, feeling stupider by the second, until his gaze finally falls upon a bracelet made of braided leather with violet glass beads woven in throughout. He picks it up and feels the soft leather between his fingers. Would Bernadetta like this..? He still doesn’t know, but it’s the closest he’s gotten to an answer all day, so it would have to do.

 

“I’ll take this one,” he says decisively, and the seller packages it up for him in a small drawstring bag. Felix stows it in his pocket and can’t help but smile a little at the thought of the bracelet around Bernadetta’s slender wrist.

 

Heading back into the monastery, Felix realizes the sun is already going down. How did this trip into town end up taking the whole day?

 

He finds Dorothea just outside the dining hall, and grabs her arm just as she’s about to go in. “Here.” He shoves the drawstring back at her.

 

Dorothea looks down at the gift, then back up at him with a mixture of disappointment and pity. “That last minute, huh? Sorry, I’ve already delivered the gifts from the rest of the class. You’ll have to give her this yourself. Then again, that shouldn’t be so bad, right?” She winks at Felix as his arm falls to his side, and he finds himself dumbfounded.

 

After all that, he’s too late? He scratches roughly at his hair, frustrated. He doesn’t know if Bernadetta will be in her room now or not, but maybe he could still just casually drop it in front of her door and not make a scene out of the whole thing.

 

Each step down the staircase from the dining hall was a challenge in a way that nothing ever had been since Felix was a child. He can’t identify the feeling; he only knows that if it were anyone but Bernadetta, he would have turned around and forgotten the whole thing by now.

 

Felix turns the corner and is presented with good news and bad news. The good news is that Bernadetta is home. The bad news is that she’s standing in her doorway, smiling at Ferdinand who is holding a rather impressive looking plant and when Felix looks down at the small bag in his hand, he feels like an idiot.

 

He slips back behind the wall before he can be seen and curses himself. He should have found out when Bernadetta’s birthday was before today, he should have thought of something better. He should be somebody better for her, somebody like Ferdinand who wasn’t afraid to knock on her door and give her a beautiful well-thought out gift. He shouldn’t have expected anything; he shouldn’t have hoped.

 

---

 

Bernadetta has had the best birthday she could ever remember. She got to have tea with just her and the professor, the dining hall was serving her favorite meal, and her friends delivered  her a completely unexpected package of gifts in the most thoughtful manner possible. Bernadetta had run over to Dorothea’s room in happy tears to give her best friend a hug, thankful and overwhelmed by the love she never imagined she could receive.

 

Bernie sits on her bed looking over the gifts she had received as her birthday comes to a close. Dorothea had given her some beautiful and what she assumed must be very expensive fabric that Bernie was already imagining different designs she could sew with it. Mercedes baked her a delicious cake, and Annette had gifted her a makeup kit which would probably go unused but Bernie appreciates nonetheless. 

 

She smiles at the teddy bear Sylvain gave her, and Ashe had sent a new novel that Bernie is excited to get started on. Ingrid gave her a new pair of riding gloves, very practical and just like Ingrid. Even Dedue and Dimitri pitched in, and had given her a trowel and fountain pen respectively.

 

Marianne had stopped by and given her a new brush for Penelope. And then of course there had been Ferdinand’s gift. Bernadetta had been so surprised when he’d come to her door with a potted plant! A big one, too! It was a beautiful purple hyacinth and Bernie had set it up next to Carrie, her carnivorous plant - she’ll need to think of a name for the new hyacinth. It was just like Ferdinand to do something flashy like that. But Bernie has to admit, she is rather touched by the gesture.

 

There is one person missing from the bundle and although Bernie tries to just focus on all the incredibly wonderful things that happened today, she can’t help but feel a little disappointed that she didn’t receive a gift from Felix. It was probably a bit much to hope for, in the end. Felix isn’t really the kind of guy to get all sappy over a birthday, and it’s not like he likes her back or anything.

 

Bernie claps her hands together, trying to snap herself out of those thoughts. “Right! This is still the best birthday ever,” she says to herself. “But you know what would really be a great way to end the day? Another piece of cake!”

 

Already smiling to herself again at the thought of Mercedes’ baking, Bernadetta pulls on her hoodie to sneak out to the dining hall. She pulls open the door - and stops in her tracks.

 

Standing in front of her, looking equally stunned and wide eyed, is Felix.

 

They both stand stock still for a moment, neither expecting to be caught in the moonlight.

 

Felix breaks the silence first. “Um, hi,” he says, and clears his throat. “I - I know I’m a bit late, but… happy birthday.”

 

He thrusts his hand out toward Bernadetta, and she can see that there’s a small bag clutched in his fingers. 

 

“You got me something?” Slowly, Bernie inches forward, heart suddenly fluttering. She holds out her hand, and Felix drops the bag into her palm, her skin tingling where their fingers touch. “C-can I open it?” Argh, why is she so nervous?

 

Felix nods and folds his arms across his chest, unable to meet her eyes. Bernie gently opens the drawstrings, wondering what Felix might have gotten her, but she knows she’ll love whatever it is. The fact that he thought of her and she’ll have something to treasure from him is already enough to make Bernie’s heart sing! 

 

She lifts out the gift inside: a bracelet of braided leather and beads. “Oh wow! This is so pretty! Thank you so much, Felix!” 

 

Felix uncrosses his arms and bashfully scratches at his hair. “I didn’t really know what you would like, but I’m glad you think so,” he says, seeming to let out a breath he was holding.

 

“I’m gonna put it on right now!” Bernie chirps, extremely pleased with her present. Somehow, this birthday had gotten even better than she thought possible! Jewelry from her crush… Bernie is happy, and it shows.

 

She fumbles with the clasp for a moment, until Felix takes a step forward and says, “Here, let me help you.” Bernadetta barely breathes as he gets closer, hyper aware of his fingers as they take over the task of securing the bracelet’s clasp around her wrist.

 

“There.” Felix steps back, and finally meets her gaze. She smiles shly at him, and he rewards her with a smile of his own, spreading a warm bloom in Bernadetta’s chest. “Happy birthday,” Felix says.

 

This moment is… just perfect. Bernadetta doesn’t think she can ever remember ever being happier than she is right now. She feels like her chest is going to burst from all of these feelings, so before she can change her mind, she darts forward and wraps Felix in a tight hug.

 

“Thank you, Felix,” she grins into his shoulder (holy saints she is actually hugging him right now!), “this is the best birthday ever!”

 

And then, before Felix can even figure out what to do with his hands, she lets go and retreats at full speed to the dining hall, where Mercedes’ birthday cake is the sweetest thing she’s ever eaten.

Notes:

While writing this I started to wonder if my Felix is too hormonal lmao, but I honestly just think he's suppressed his emotions for so long that the only way he knows how to deal with them is do get angry and push them down, but he's doing his best for Bernie ;_;

Thanks so much everyone who is still reading! And thank you for all of the lovely comments, honestly they are a huge motivation for me to write so if you want more than one update a month... commenting will probably help XD

Take care out there! xx

Chapter 18

Summary:

Tea time and a secret.

Notes:

(Yo I keep forgetting that this fic is over 50k words now!! How wild!! I hadn’t written any fiction in over 5 years and then churn out this bad boy... thanks for being here!)

“Welcome to the Blue Lions, Marianne!” Annette cheers as Mercedes enters the garden with the cake she prepared especially for the Lions girls to welcome the new student into their midst.

 

“Um, thank you,” Marianne mumbles, ducking her head, “but you really didn’t need to go to all this trouble for me. I don’t want to be a burden.”

 

“Nonsense,” Mercie coos. “If anything, you’ve done me a favor by giving me an excuse to make a cake! I hope you all like chocolate,” she sings out.

 

“Here, let me help you,” Ingrid says, jumping up to assist Mercedes in serving the cake, although Bernie and the rest of the girls know she’s mostly just excited about eating it. (Who could blame her though, really.) “Oh whoops, that first slice ended up kinda big, I guess I can just take that one…”

 

“Really, we’re delighted to have you join our class,” Dorothea says kindly, passing a slice of cake to Marianne. “The more the merrier!”

 

“Y-yeah!” Bernie says, wanting to show Marianne the same kindness she received when she first joined the Blue Lions class. “It’s been really fun learning to fly with you, and you’ve taught me a lot about taking care of the pegasi! So I’m really glad we’ll get to spend more time together!”

 

It’s still an effort for Bernie to be around people and speak up like this, but even though it’s tiring tea parties like this are really fun. And it’s all worth it when Marianne shyly looks up at Bernadetta and smiles, and Bernie beams back at her.

 

“Oh! We should all get ready for the ball together, too!” Annette says around a mouthful of cake, changing the subject. Ever since the nastiness in Remire village, everyone has been trying to focus on staying positive and ignore the sense of dread building throughout the monastery.

 

“Does it take that long to get ready? All you really need to do is run a brush through your hair,” Ingrid says, triggering a reaction from Annette.

 

“What?! Ingrid, of course we all need to show each other our dresses, and do our hair and makeup together! It’s an incredibly important girl bonding moment!” she retorts indignantly.

 

As Ingrid tries with limited success to fend off Annette’s insistances, Bernadetta turns to the other girls. “Um, I don’t know if I’m going to go to the ball,” she says, and Marianne nods her head beside her.

 

“Not going?” Mercedes asks, her big round eyes wide, “Whyever not? I think we should all take the opportunity to have some fun.”

 

Bernie squirms a little in her chair. “Well, there’s going to be a lot of people, and I’m really not very good at dancing…” she says.

 

“We may have different definitions of ‘fun’” Ingrid says, returning to the main conversation and shooting a look at Annette, “but I do think it’s important that we all make an appearance and socialize. After all, that is a key benefit of attending the officer’s academy.”

 

“I think I’m going to have to side with the others here, Bern,” Dorothea adds. “I think it would be a good experience to go. You can stick with us, and you don’t have to stay for the whole thing. And I know you’ve already started a dress pattern with that fabric I bought you, so wouldn’t it be a good opportunity to wear it?”

 

Bernie feels herself blushing; she still doesn’t like the idea of the ball, but she does really like pretty clothes, even if she’s not usually the one wearing them… “I’ll think about it,” she mumbles, and Marianne shoves a forkful of cake in her mouth to avoid having to commit to the ball too.

 

“Speaking of the ball,” Mercedes says with a glint in her eye that betrays her warm tone, “does anyone have anyone in particular they’d like to have a dance with? I suppose we all know who Bernie has her eye on, but anyone else?”

 

Bernie could swear that her heart stops. “Wait. What?!” She whips around to Dorothea, eyes pleading.

 

Dorothea looks apologetic but says, “Bern, I swear I haven’t told anyone. But it’s… kind of obvious.”

 

Bernadetta looks around the table in disbelief; based on everyone’s expressions, it seems like they’ve all found out her secret. Mercedes is the first to respond. “Sorry to surprise you. I suppose I shouldn’t have brought it up like that,” she says.

 

“You really all figured it out?” Bernie slumps down in her chair, cake momentarily forgotten. “This is so embarrassing!”

 

“Well… you aren’t exactly subtle,” Ingrid says, at least having the grace to not sound judgmental. “But don’t worry, I’m positive he hasn’t figured it out yet.”

 

“Um, if it makes you feel better, I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Marianne offers.

 

“Do you want us to help you get a dance with him at the ball?!” Annette asks excitedly, apparently so distracted by her enthusiasm that she doesn’t notice Bernadetta’s increasing distress at the topic.

 

“Can we um… change the subject?” she asks meekly.

 

---

 

Felix stops in his tracks.

What did he just hear? Not that he meant to hear it, walking past the gardens on his way to the dining hall, when next thing he knew the voices of his classmates were drifting through the hedges.

 

But if he heard right… That means that Bernadetta likes someone. And goddess, the world is ending apparently for Felix to be thinking things like “Bernadetta likes someone.”

 

But it rattles him anyway, and though the girls have moved on to other topics Felix doesn’t even hear it. He pounds on Sylvain’s door, because his feet have apparently taken him there. He throws the door open at Sylvain’s “Come in!” and growls, “Did you know about this?”

 

Sylvain looks nonplussed. “Uh, Felix, you’re gonna need to be more specific there,” he says.

 

Felix wants to shout, but remembers the door is open and by the time he shuts it he’s lost his nerve. He crosses his arms as Sylvain raises an eyebrow and finally spits out, “...Does Bernadetta like someone?”

 

Sylvain’s other eyebrow joins the first in a look of utter astonishment and a smiles creeps onto his face and Felix mutters “Shut up” because he knows what’s going to come out of his mouth next.

 

Sylvain blinks a few times and blows out a breath. “Haven’t even said anything yet, Fe,” he says.

 

Felix doesn’t meet his gaze. “So do you know or not?”

 

Sylvain at least has the mercy to wipe his smug grin off his face, and leans back in his chair to put his feet up on the desk. “Isn’t that something you should ask Bernadetta?”

 

Felix splutters. “As if - as if I could just ask her that!”

 

“Well, it’s probably still better than asking around behind her back, isn’t it?” Sylvain retorts.

 

Felix reddens at the implication. “I’m not doing anything behind her back, I’m just asking you a question. Now are you going to answer me or am I wasting my time here?”

 

Sylvain sighs. “Look, she hasn’t told me anything, but it is… really obvious.” He shoots Felix a pointed look. “I’m not going to tell you anything more than that though, because a) it’s not my secret to tell and b) I’m pretty sure Bernadetta would actually try to murder me if she ever found out.”

 

Felix scowls, because Sylvain is right (at least on the point that he should respect her trust). But he’s nervous now; the possibility of her liking Felix back (and whatever else that would entail) hadn’t really entered his mind, he just hadn’t thought about it really, and the idea of her liking somebody else left him completely blindsided. 

 

He hadn’t been planning on going to the ball this month; it seemed so frivolous with everything else going on. And it still is, but perhaps Felix can at least satisfy his curiosity and see who it is that she wants to dance with so badly.

 

“I guess I can tell you one thing about who she likes,” Sylvain says, drawing him out of his thoughts. “He’s a complete idiot for not being able to see it.” Felix rolls his eyes and leaves Sylvain smiling to himself as the door slams shut.

Notes:

Just a short update today but next time we get THE BALL!! Which will probably take me a while lol, so I thought for now I'd set it up, get Marianne the heck in there, and see a little bit of girl time :)

Have a great day, and thanks for reading! xx

Chapter 19

Summary:

A promise, and a dance.

Notes:

omg I'm so SLOWWWW I'm so sorry lmao but let's not talk about that because tonight it's the BALL!!

Ingrid raps on Bernadetta’s door with frantic urgency. “Uh… Bernadetta? Any chance you could let me in there? And then let me hide out until the ball starts? Mercedes and Annette have been making me try on outfits for two hours and–” she breaks off as the door opens, but her relief is replaced by abject horror as she is greeted by Dorothea with makeup brushes in hand and a sinister smile on her face.

 

“Um, come on in, Ingrid,” Bernie says from inside. “I think we’re all getting our makeup done one way or another, though.”

 

Ingrid slumps, knowing defeat when she sees it, and flops down on Bernie’s bed. Bernie can relate; getting all done up is definitely out of her wheelhouse, but at least she hasn’t had quite the eventful afternoon as Ingrid since she already made her own dress.

 

“You’re looking really nice though, Bernie,” Ingrid says, making eye contact in the vanity mirror.

 

Bernadetta flushes at the compliment and fidgets with her fingers. She definitely looks different, that’s for sure! And Bernie has to admit that it has been kind of fun to hang out and get ready with Dorothea like this. Nothing like when her parents would force her to be “presentable” for potential suitors back home… 

 

Dorothea was gentle with her, carefully drawing the brush through Bernie’s hair and lightly applying makeup with a smile as they chatted and laughed together. Bernadetta is also extremely pleased with how the dress turned out; the knee-length dress in shiny black brocade with capped sleeves and a turtleneck neckline suited her perfectly, in her humble opinion, and Dorothea had agreed.

 

“I’ll accept the praise for both of us,” Dorothea says with a wink. “Some of my finest handiwork, if I do say so myself. But then I did have a beautiful canvas to work with!”

 

Just then Annette appears in the doorway with Mercedes close behind. “There you are, Ingrid! We haven’t picked a dress yet!” Then she notices the other girls in the room. “Oh! Are we all going to get ready in Bernie’s room? I’ll go get my makeup kit!”

 

Ingrid groans into her hands as Annette skips off to her room. “Can’t I just wear my uniform?”

 

“I don’t think any of us can actually force you to do anything,” Dorothea says, poking Ingrid’s bicep, “but it’s not terribly festive.”

 

Ingrid sighs. “Where’s Marianne?” she says. “Did she somehow manage to get out of this?”

 

“She’s upstairs getting ready with Hilda,” Annette replies as she enters the room again, equipped with her makeup kit. Her face lights up as she cheers, “Are you ready to get this party started?”

 

The girls take turns doing each other’s makeup, Annette and Dorothea singing cheerful songs and fits of laughter break out as they joke around. Even Ingrid has a smile on her face by the time they’re done. 

 

Bernie looks around her room at the happy faces of her dear friends, thinking back on the Bernie from the beginning of the year who never would have expected to see such a sight, let alone be a part of it. It occurs to her with a bittersweet pang that she never wants it to end.

 

---

 

Getting ready had been fun, but Bernadetta feels her confidence waning as the girls enter the reception-hall-turned-ballroom later that evening. Sparkling chandeliers light the room in a warm glow, tables of food line the walls and a group of musicians play in a corner, and above it all is the pressing hum of people talking and laughing.

 

Dorothea squeezes her arm as if sensing her mounting dread. “Remember, you don’t have to stay for the whole time, and you can stick with us. I’m proud of you for making it this far,” she says. The musicians strike up another waltz and Dorothea tugs on Bernie’s hand. “Now, may I have this dance?”

 

Bernie can’t help but giggle as Dorothea leads her onto the dance floor. It’s all so overwhelming, but she tries to focus on her friend in front of her and her feet and the music, and she has to admit that this is at least a little fun.

 

The song ends, and then Annette pulls her into another dance, giggling and spinning the whole time, and then Mercedes, and then Bernadetta finds herself alone for a moment to catch her breath. She spots Marianne with Ashe and Sylvain trying to persuade Dorothea to give him a dance, and it’s then Bernadetta realizes she hasn’t seen Felix yet tonight. 

 

There’s been such a crowd that Bernie was mostly just trying to tune it out and focus on her friends, so it would have been easy to miss him. But maybe he didn’t come at all? Felix didn’t really seem like he would be interested in dancing. Bernie tries to swallow her disappointment as she scans the room, because after all, even if he is here he might not want to dance with her anyway, and Bernie doesn’t know if she would even have the courage to ask…

 

“Good evening, Bernadetta.” Bernie jumps at the voice beside her. It’s Ferdinand, his hand outstretched toward her. “May I ask you to grant me the favor of a dance?”

 

Bernadetta blushes at the invitation. “M-me? I-I’m not very good at dancing, I’ll probably just step on your toes,” she stutters.

 

Ferdinand only smiles that winning smile of his and shakes his head. “I am sure that is not the case,” he says, “but I will be sure to do my very best to lead you so that it will feel easy. What do you say?”

 

Bernie bites her lip and looks at his hand, still waiting for her to take it. She is definitely not convinced that she won’t step on his toes, but it would be rude to just leave him hanging… “Okay,” she says, and tentatively slips her fingers into his gloved hand.

 

Ferdinand is good at leading, but Bernadetta is significantly more nervous than she was with the girls and still manages to trip on his feet a few times. Each time, Bernie looks up at him apologetically, but there’s no sign of recognition of any disturbance on Ferdinand’s face. Looking up at him, it suddenly hits Bernie like the thump of the closing of a thick book that Ferdinand is tall .

 

“You’re looking very lovely tonight,” he says, and Bernadetta blushes and looks away as she realizes she’s been staring.

 

“Um, th-thank you,” she mumbles. “Dorothea helped me a lot.”

 

Ferdinand hummed. “I don’t think she had to do much,” he said as he easily twirled them around.

 

Bernie bites her lip as she flushes even harder; what is she even supposed to say to that?

 

The music ends, and the dancers slowly come to a stop as well. Ferdinand bows deeply, saying “Thank you for giving me the honor of dancing with you.”

 

“R-right,” Bernie stammers and bows back. 

 

She scurries away before the next song can start; Ferdinand was very nice, but she can’t handle another. She didn’t dance well but she did her best and got through it even though it was hard, but there’s so many people in here, and she needs some air.

 

She pushes through the open doors into the gardens, and the cool evening air is a welcome chill against her skin after the heat that had built up in the hall. Bernie takes a deep breath like the professor taught her, trying to slow her heart rate and calm down.

 

All in all… it had been scary, but it had been fun dancing with her friends, and… and Ferdinand too, he had been very kind. She was proud of the dress she made, and of how nicely her friends had done her hair and makeup, even though she didn’t usually think she could be pretty no matter how much effort had been put in.

 

It had been fun, but Bernadetta is ready for it to be over. Except…

 

She turns back toward the ballroom, squinting for a sign of blue-black hair. If only she could have danced with Felix, this night would have been beyond perfect. Then again, it was probably too greedy to wish for more.

 

She decides on one last look, just in case he would appear, but instead Bernie is surprised to see Ferdinand making his way out of the crowd, two glasses in hand.

 

He joins her outside, an easy smile on his face. “Care for some punch?” he asks, raising a glass. “I noticed you were looking a little tired and thought you could use some refreshment.”

 

Bernadetta takes the glass he’s offering numbly, her mind suddenly full of thoughts like, I look tired? and Oh no, it’s super rude to look tired after dancing with someone isn’t it? and Ugh, I danced really horribly too! I’m the worst, I never should have danced with him -

 

“Sorry!” she bursts out loud, screwing her eyes shut. What a mess she had made, ruining an otherwise wonderful night -

 

“For what?” Ferdinand interrupts her thoughts, and when she opens her eyes she can see mild surprise written on his face.

 

“W-well I - I’m a really bad dancer, and - and I stepped on your toes and -” she’s babbling now, great.

 

Bernadetta is snapped out of her spiral when Ferdinand laughs, easy and honest. How does he do that?

 

“To the contrary,” Ferdinand says. “That was the most enjoyable dance I’ve had all evening. And actually… I came out here to see if I could ask for another.”

 

Bernie sips at her drink awkwardly, stunned into silence by the hint of bashfulness that had crept into Ferdinand’s voice. “Um,” she started hesitantly. That was… so nice of him to say she doesn’t really know how to react to it. It was nice, but it probably couldn’t be true right? Either way, she is tired. She’s already drained from the effort of being okay all night, when all her instincts were telling her was to run and hide.

 

Ferdinand is still waiting for an answer, giving her time to frame her thoughts before she speaks.

 

“Um,” she says again. “That’s really nice, but… I actually am really tired, though. I think I might call it a night.” She peers up at him, hoping he won’t be upset.

 

But of course, it’s Ferdinand, and he’s not upset. “Ah yes, of course, I don’t want to impose on you,” he says. “Can I at least escort you back to your dorm?”

 

Bernadetta waves her hands in front of her frantically. “No no, that’s all right! I can get back by myself. I don’t want you to miss out on the party.” She can see Ferdinand about to protest so she adds, “Really. It’s okay.”

 

When she cuts him off, Ferdinand lets out a short laugh. “Very well then,” he says, “as you wish. In that case, I wish you a most pleasant evening, and I thank you again for granting me the pleasure of dancing with you.” He smiles and bows again before taking Bernadetta’s empty glass and heading back into the hall.

 

Bernie watches him go (and still sees no sign of Felix), then turns away with a sigh of relief, the sounds of the party at her back. She wanders slowly back to her dorm, wrapping her arms around her as she walks. It’s gotten cold; it is the Ethereal Moon after all.

 

She reaches her room and places her hand on the doorknob, but she hesitates. She is tired, and the ball was too much, but… Still, it’s a magical night. Bernadetta finds herself not wanting it to end just yet. The stars are so beautiful tonight too, not a cloud to disturb them. Rubbing her bare arms for warmth, Bernie meanders out into the deserted monastery.

 

---

 

Felix had already thought that Bernadetta was cute, but tonight she could only be described as beautiful . Stunning might be a better word for it actually, as Felix is momentarily paralyzed when he catches sight of her from across the ballroom. Her hair, normally wild and unruly, is smoothed down and decorated with a hairpin, and she wears a beautiful black gown that falls to just below her knees. Felix knows it’s the same Bernadetta, but she looks more… mature, somehow. More confident maybe, as Dorothea drags her onto the dance floor.

 

Felix feels a flicker of annoyance at the way his heart pounds in his chest, and reminds himself that the point of tonight is to find out who it is Bernadetta wanted to dance with. It’s just to satisfy his curiosity; it’s not him, so there’s no point getting excited.

 

He tries to find an inconspicuous place to lean against the wall where he can watch the proceedings, but Sylvain and Ingrid come by and cajole him into a dance with Ingrid. He tries to keep tabs on Bernadetta, but it’s hard to see much of anything inside the press of bodies as they spin.

 

When the dance ends, Felix resumes his position and it takes him a moment to find Bernadetta again. She seems to be alone now, near the wall on the opposite side of the dance floor, looking a little anxious as she fidgets with her hands.

 

For a brief moment Felix wonders if he should make his way to her, and see if perhaps he could comfort her with his presence, or if he could at least offer to walk her back to the dorms if the ball is too much. Or maybe if she’s not ready to leave yet he could ask her –

 

The moment of light-headed hope is short lived though, as someone steps up beside her. Ferdinand. He holds out his hand, and after some hesitation, Bernadetta takes it and he leads her onto the dance floor, Bernadetta looking nervous and flushed.

 

Felix swallows, and he feels as though a hand has reached into his ribcage to squeeze his heart painfully. 

 

So that’s it then. It was Ferdinand that Bernadetta was looking at all along. They look good together, he thinks distantly, before turning on his heel and leaving the hall.

 

He runs a hand through his hair as the cool air outside hits his skin. This is good, right? He got his answer, and now he can leave. His feet start moving without thinking about it, taking him in a random direction away from the music and chatter behind him.

 

He’s just leaving because he got what he came for, and he doesn’t want to be dragged into any more dances. He’s definitely not leaving because he was thinking of asking Bernadetta to dance and it hurt to see her with another man. Because he never thought his little crush would go anywhere anyway, and when Felix thinks about it it probably makes more sense politically that Bernadetta would end up marrying some like Ferdinand anyway –

 

That thought stops Felix in his tracks, and he exhales a long heavy breath. That’s not a topic he’s thought about often. Or ever, really. What does it say about him that it’s suddenly come to mind now?

 

Felix looks up to notice his surroundings, and he realizes his feet have brought him to the Goddess Tower. Wasn’t there some legend about this place that the girls had been gossiping about..? Felix can’t remember. But it seems like as good a place as any to be left alone with his confusing thoughts, so he pushes open the door and steps inside.

 

He finds a balcony a few floors up, and leans against the railing as he looks toward the sky. It’s clear tonight, a thousand stars twinkling down from the heavens. There’s too many thoughts swirling around Felix’s head, too much uncertainty about his feelings and Bernadetta and the boar and all the ominous occurrences of the last few months. Felix wonders briefly if there really is a goddess up there among all those stars, and if she knows what the hell’s going on. He can’t say he believes she has a plan, if she’s up there at all.

 

He wishes the training grounds were open. It’s easier to focus on the present when there’s a sword in his hand and a target to swing at.

 

The sound of a footstep behind him draws his attention, and Felix turns to see who it is.

 

“Eep! A g-ghost, I’m so sorry please don’t kill me!”

 

Felix squints in the darkness and yes, that characteristic outburst did in fact come from Bernadetta, who is shielding herself with her arms and trembling as she waits for a response.

 

He can’t help but smile even as his chest tightens at the sight of her. He walks over and gently brings her arms away from her face. “It’s just me,” he says.

 

Bernadetta risks opening one tightly shut eye to look at him. “Felix?” she says, and opens her other eye, visibly relaxing. “What are you doing up here?”

 

Felix walks back over to the railing. “Just sort of ended up here,” he says vaguely. He shoots her a sidelong glance as she steps up beside him. “And what about you? I thought you’d either be still dancing or back in your room by now.” Or off somewhere with Ferdinand.

 

Bernadetta combs at her bangs with her fingers. She looks even nicer this close up. “Well, I did get tired, but it’s a really lovely night so I didn’t want to go back just yet,” she says. “Aren’t the stars really beautiful tonight?”

 

Felix hums in response. Not as beautiful as you , he thinks. They stand for a moment in silence, Felix leaning forward and Bernadetta shifting from foot to foot beside him. She jumps when he turns to look at her suddenly. “So, I look like a ghost, do I?” he says, the corner of his mouth turned up in a smirk.

 

“What? No, I didn’t mean that! It’s just that it’s really dark and–” she squints at him. “Are you teasing me right now?”

 

Felix can’t help but laugh when he sees her suspicious expression, and she pokes his arm in complaint, but she lets out a laugh too, and Felix relishes the sound.

 

“Hey Felix?” Bernadetta leans forward to rest her arms on the barrier too.

 

“Mmm.”

 

“Do you ever think about… what’s gonna happen after we all graduate from here?” she says softly. Felix risks a look, but he can’t read her expression from this angle.

 

“Not really,” he sighs. “I try not to think about it much.”

 

“Y-yeah,” Bernadetta agrees. “I try not to either. It’s just – I’ve been so happy here. I’ve met so many wonderful people and I wonder… if I’ll ever see them again once I leave.”

 

Felix looks away. “Like Ferdinand?” 

 

“H-huh?” Bernadetta turns toward him in surprise. “W-well, him too I guess, but I was thinking more like Dorothea, and Annette and Mercedes, Ingrid, the professor… and you,” she finishes quietly, and Felix feels his chest constrict as if breathing too loudly would cover her words and erase them. “Especially everyone from the kingdom,” she continues in a stronger voice. “It just seems like it’ll be really hard to stay in touch.”

 

“Oh yeah? I’m sure everyone would be happy to write and come visit you, though,” Felix says.

 

Bernadetta rubs at her arm. “Yeah, it’s just that… I’m sure my father is going to want to marry me off as soon as possible, and I don’t really know what will happen after that…” Oh, right. Obviously. Felix mentally kicks himself for asking such a stupid question. “Although, I’m such a useless marriage prospect so I don’t even know if anyone would want to marry me anyway.” She sighs. “I wish I could just stay here and become a nun or something.”

 

Based on what Felix saw earlier, he doesn’t think her marriage prospects are all that bad, but it’s a sore topic and he feels like shit for bringing it up. “I didn’t take you as the religious type,” he says in an attempt to lighten the mood.

 

Bernadetta huffs out a small humorless laugh. “Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t be a good fit, right?” 

 

Agh, this isn’t really how he wanted this to go. It’s funny how usually they feel so comfortable together, but somehow a ball and a forbidden tower and a sky full of stars has turned things tender and a little unsure, as though a small misstep could shatter everything.

 

“What about you, Felix?” Bernadetta says, changing the subject. “What will you do once you leave here?”

 

Felix sighs. Now it’s his turn to answer an uncomfortable question. “I guess I’ll go home, and be groomed to take over Fraldarius.” He straightens up, gaze focused skyward. “I really try not to think about it much. It’s not something I ever wanted, being the second son, but…” He trails off, scuffing his boot against the ground. “Pretty sure I’ll be terrible at it, too.”

 

“What? No way! I’m sure you’ll do great, Felix!” Bernadetta pumps her fists, suddenly energetic in his defense.

 

It makes Felix smile, even if it’s in a sardonic kind of way. “Have you seen me try to command a battalion?” he says. “It’s a mess, to put it lightly.”

 

“But you’re so good at everything!” Bernadetta protests, not backing down.

 

Felix scoffs at that. “I’m good at fighting, and that’s about it,” he says. But he is grateful for her faith in him, even if it’s misplaced. “Actually, I think you’d probably be way better at managing an estate than me.”

 

“Whaaa-?” Her exaggerated reaction has affection bubbling up Felix’s throat until it comes out as a laugh. “Nonono, you’re just saying that. I’d be no good at that!” Felix wonders if she’s blushing, but it’s too hard to tell in the dark.

 

“No, I mean it,” he says. “Staying inside, reading reports and writing letters and all that. Definitely more your specialty than mine.”

 

“Geez, not gonna let me win, huh?” she says, giggling a little. “Well, how about this then? They say that if you make a promise here, it’ll definitely come true, right? So how about, when we meet up for the millennium festival in five years, if neither of us is married, we can team up so you can save me from my father, and I can help you with paperwork, how does that sound?”

 

It sounds like something out of a fairy tale, which is just like Bernadetta. He smiles. “It’s a promise, then.” One that he won’t likely get the chance to keep.

 

“Okay, don’t forget!” 

 

Felix is grateful that she sounds so cheerful now, that he didn’t completely ruin the night. They fall into silence, unsure how to follow up a subject at once so heavy and so light. The air is so still and quiet, it almost doesn’t feel real. Or maybe it feels so much more real than all the nights that had passed before.

 

“Oh yeah,” Bernadetta says eventually, “so I guess you decided not to go to the ball tonight after all?”

 

“Hm? No, I was there,” Felix says, aiming for nonchalance although he’s trying his hardest not to remember what he had seen earlier that evening.

 

“Wait, you were?” Bernadetta leans in, suddenly staring intently at Felix. From this distance, he can see the mascara on her eyelashes. “I didn’t see you!”

 

Felix scratches roughly at his hair, uncomfortable under the sudden scrutiny. “I didn’t stay long,” he says.

 

Bernadetta steps back, crossing her arms. “Hm, I guess I didn’t either, but…” She chews her lip, and Felix’s heart stutters at what she says next. “I didn’t get to dance with you.”

 

Felix blinks, mind spinning at how to respond to that. Did she… had she wanted to? Dance with him? He should probably brush it off to not encourage his little schoolboy crush, since he knows Bernadetta just sees him as a friend anyway. Should probably say something like, “I can’t dance” or “I hate dancing” or “You’re not missing out.”

 

Any of those would be good, but Felix’s mouth says, “Do you… want to dance now then?”

 

Time stops as Bernadetta turns to look up at him, big eyes blinking from under long eyelashes. She smiles shyly, and Felix realizes he’s holding his breath.

 

“Okay!” she beams.

 

Felix’s body continues to act on its own, taking Bernadetta by the hand and leading her to the center of the balcony. He decides belatedly to let it happen, because he can feel at the bottom of his heart that he wants this, he really wants to take her hand in his and place his other on her hip, pulling her close as he leads them into a slow waltz.

 

Her hand is cold, but it’s soft, and in contrast the hand that lays on his shoulder seems to burn him through his jacket. After a few steps, Bernadetta starts to hum something, and Felix realizes it’s a song that the orchestra was playing earlier. Her voice is so pure and soft, and it envelopes him like the girl in his arms is the only thing in the entire world. With a flood of heat that starts in his chest and spreads like wildfire to his fingers and his toes, Felix realizes that this is not some schoolboy crush. He’s completely fallen for Bernadetta.

 

Bernadetta smiles up at him through her humming, finally gathering the courage for eye contact, and Felix smiles back. Having her in his arms, smiling up at him feels so right, feels like home and all the selfish feelings Felix has been holding back burst forward like a dam splitting open. He doesn’t want to wait five years, he doesn’t want her to go back to her father, he wants her to stay where he can see her.

 

He pulls Bernadetta a little closer, and it’s like all the stars in the night sky have come down to earth to light up her eyes. He wants to kiss her, Felix realizes with a gulp.

 

He wants to kiss her, but would that be okay?

 

Their feet move in tandem. One, two, three.

 

Would that be too much? Would it scare her?

 

Or would she kiss back?

 

Screw it, Felix thinks, it’s a night for taking chances and he closes his eyes, takes a breath, and –

 

Bernadetta stops singing, the song is over. She steps back, dropping his hand, leaving him cold in her absence. 

 

She beams up at him, looking thoroughly happy. “Thanks Felix,” she says. “I’m really happy I got to dance with you.”

 

Felix gulps for air, blood rushing in his ears. “Y-yeah, me too,” he stammers. 

 

He is so screwed.

Notes:

I'm sorry.

But not that sorry.

<3

Chapter 20

Summary:

(Side story)
Felix's birthday

Notes:

Technically, Felix's birthday is before the ball, but I didn't want to have two birthday chapters in a row, so you can kind of consider this a bonus episode before we have to get into the ~plot~

(This chapter chronologically happens before chapter 19)

“Hurry up Sylvain,” Felix says as he bursts through Sylvain’s door. Sylvain is still lying on his bed, looking at some book or whatever, when he was supposed to meet him at the training ground ten minutes ago. Why is he even surprised?

 

“Get off your lazy bones and come train with-” He grabs the nearest object off one of Sylvain’s shelves and is about to hurl it at Sylvain’s head, but he stops mid-throw when he actually gets a good look at the thing. “What is this?”

 

It’s a teddy bear sewn from black yarn and a mane of red hair exactly matching Sylvain’s fiery shade. Felix can’t place exactly why, but there’s something familiar about it…

 

“Oh that?” Sylvain responds, rolling over to get a better look at it. “Bernie made that for me. Don’t throw it! You can’t sacrifice Bernie’s precious handiwork just to punish my laziness!”

 

Felix pretends to throw it again just to make Sylvain flinch, but sets it back on its shelf before crossing his arms. “So she made that for you, then?” he asks, aiming for nonchalance.

 

Sylvain doesn’t buy it though, if his shit-eating grin is any indication. “Why, you jealous?”

 

“Shut up, I’m leaving-”

 

“Don’t be mad,” Sylvain laughs, grabbing Felix by the collar to stop him from leaving. “She gave it to me as a thank you for helping her with her writing, which by the way, I will never forgive you for pushing me to second in line when she finishes a new chapter. Anyway, she’s made a bunch of these for people, she’s amazing at it.”

 

Felix shrugs Sylvain off. He really wants to ask about who else she’s made them for and is personally wondering why he’s never received one, but he also really does not want to give Sylvain ammunition to make fun of him over a stuffed toy, of all things. “Of course she’s good at it,” is what he says, hoping Sylvain will fill him in without him asking. “She’s good at all kinds of those things.”

 

When Sylvain simply nods his head and doesn’t offer any further information, Felix shuts his eyes for a second and groans internally before finally swallowing his pride and asks, “Who else did she make them for?”

 

“Hm? Oh, well she made a dog for Ashe, a horse for Ingrid, and I’m pretty sure Dorothea has a bird based on what I saw before she slammed her door in my face the last time. Annette was going to ask for one but never made her mind up on what animal she wanted,” Sylvain lists them off, extending a finger for each one. “So, should we go train or should we go commission you a stuffed animal?”

 

Felix scowls, crossing his arms as he turns and stalks out of the room (toward the training ground, obviously). “Shut up.”

 

---

 

“Good work today ladies!” Ingrid says to Marianne and Bernadetta after flight practice. “I’m heading to the market to get some weapon polish, do either of you need anything?”

 

“I’m okay, thanks Ingrid,” Bernie says. “Didn’t you just get new polish last week though? Did you run out already?”

 

“Oh, no. It’s Felix’s birthday soon and that’s all I could think to get him… I’m not a very good gift-giver,” Ingrid says sheepishly.

 

“Wait, it’s his birthday?” Bernie exclaims. “Oh no, I haven’t gotten him anything either! I’ve got to get him something nice after he gave me such a nice gift for my birthday!” What should she get him? Should she make something? What would he like? Agh, there isn’t enough time!

 

“Hey, calm down,” Ingrid says, trying to placate her. “There’s still some time. At least you didn’t miss it, right?”

 

What Ingrid said was true, but Bernie still feels awful for not even knowing her crush’s birthday. How did she miss such a crucial detail? She’s a failure at being a crushee! Wait, crush-er? That doesn’t sound right…

 

Bernie sighs as she climbs to the top of her favourite reading hill and flops onto the ground. She had been planning to do some writing today, but that can wait. Instead she pulls out a different notebook to do some gift brainstorming.

 

Before long she hears footsteps in the grass, and looks up to find none other than Felix climbing up the hill to join her. “Hey,” he says when he catches her eye.

 

“Hi,” Bernadetta smiles back, folding her notebook against her chest so he won’t see what she’s been up to.

 

“I just came from training with Sylvain,” Felix says, and lays down on the grass beside her, folding his arms under his head. “That guy is so lazy, I have to drag him there every time.”

 

Bernadetta hums. “I think he works hard when no one’s looking,” she says.

 

A beat passes before Felix says, “I saw the bear you made for Sylvain in his room. You did a good job.”

 

Bernadetta flushes suddenly at the praise. “Oh! You saw that? Um, thanks!” Wait a minute…

 

“Sylvain said you made a bunch of them for people,” Felix continues, gaze still fixed on the sky.

 

“Do you want me to make you one?” Bernie blurts out, barely containing her excitement enough to not interrupt him. This is perfect! Just in time to solve her birthday gift quandary!

 

Felix coughs and tilts his head away from Bernadetta. “Well, if you have time…” he says.

 

“I do! Oh, this is perfect! I’ve got to start sketching ideas right away…”

 

---

 

“And...done! That should do it!” Bernadetta ties off the last stitch on the crocheted black-and-white cat she made for Felix’s birthday present. She shakes his paw. “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Kitty! Hmm, I wonder if Felix will give you a name?”She frowns. “He might not. Well, that’s okay too, you can just be Mr. Kitty then.”

 

She hums to herself, pleased with her handiwork, and ties a ribbon around Mr. Kitty’s neck to finish off the presentation, since he is a gift after all.

 

Bernadetta checks the clock - just in time, it’s almost midnight and Felix’s birthday will soon be over. Grabbing Mr. Kitty, she slips on her shoes and zips upstairs, being careful to step lightly so as not to wake anyone already sleeping.

 

She comes to a stop in front of Felix’s door and knocks three times, then hides the cat plush behind her back. In the seconds before Felix answers, a rush of anxiety washes over her. What if he didn’t mean it when he said he wanted a plush? What if he hates it? What if she made a mistake somewhere and - 

 

Bernie shakes her head. No, this isn’t the time for thoughts like that, and Felix would never be mean to her anyway. Now it’s time to be brave and hand Felix the birthday gift she crafted with all her heart.

 

The door opens slowly, spilling lamp light into the hallway. Felix is still dressed in his uniform shirt, without the vest and sleeves rolled up to the elbows.

 

“Um, I know I’m a bit late!” Bernadetta says before he can greet her. “But, happy birthday!” She thrusts the cat in front of her eyes squeezed shut, heart hammering in her ears.

 

She opens her eyes when she feels him gently lift the doll from her fingers, and retracts her arms.

 

“Thanks,” Felix says, eyes soft like molten amber in the dim light. He turns the plush this way and that, appraising it.

 

Bernadetta’s heart is still madly out of control, and she babbles. “You can give him a name if you want to. Or not! I’ve just been calling him Mr. Kitty up til now,” she says.

 

“I see,” Felix says, meeting her eyes.”Thank you, Bernadetta.”

 

He smiles at her, soft and warm as candle light, and she melts.  “Um, good night then,” she says.

 

Felix takes a half step forward, raising one arm, before seeming to hesitate slightly and changing trajectory to ruffle Bernadetta’s hair. “Good night.”

Notes:

After this I'm going to be trying to move things along a bit, since it's already been more than a year since this fic started LOL
I have some fun scenes planned out, I hope you'll look forward to them :)

Thanks as always for reading! xo

Chapter 21

Summary:

Just in case.

Notes:

You've played this game already. You know what happens. So I skipped the plot recap in favour of a character moment instead.

How had it come to this?

 

Bernadetta knows there was a logical series of events that led them to this point, preparing for battle at the gates of Garreg Mach; the loss of Jeralt and the professor’s transformation, the confrontation in the holy tomb, but the more she tries to make sense of it, the more jumbled and confusing it seems.

 

How is it possible that classmates who had shared the same joys and sorrows of the year could just turn on them so suddenly, and in such an earth shattering way? It‘s unfathomable to Bernadetta that the same Edelgard who had sat in the same classroom, eaten in the same dining hall, and helped her in the greenhouse is now her enemy.

 

Bernie wills her fingers not to tremble as she prepares the ballista, her faithful pegasus Penelope nearby in case the fighting reaches this far back.

 

Just in case. But if the Knights of Seiros can’t hold the approaching army back, what will little old Bernie be able to do?

 

She closes her eyes, and takes a deep shuddering breath. She closes one hand around her wrist, where the bracelet Felix gave her is tucked safely inside her glove. Today is not the day for running and screaming. Today she’s got to take a stand for her friends and this place she calls home. On the inside, she may feel like a brittle piece of glass, but she can save that feeling for later. Today, she will not break.

 

Bernie opens her eyes to see the faces of her classmates as they prepare for battle, all mirroring the grim determination she feels. The time for panic has long passed; all that’s left now is to do what needs to be done.

 

Bernie tries to burn the faces of each of her classmates into her memory in this last quiet moment they have together, just in case. She should have done this weeks ago, when their faces were happier, but back then she didn’t know she would need to.

 

“Bernadetta.”

 

It’s Felix, stopped a few steps below her on the entrance stairway. It seems inappropriate that a place that they walked together on so many carefree days is now a place filled with so much tension, so much tension, and the fear that this might be the place where they say goodbye.

 

Bernadetta’s heart squeezes painfully at the thought, and squashes it down. There would be time for that later.

 

“Hey,” she says. “You all ready?”

 

Felix grunts and nods his head. He looks at her with such intensity but says nothing. Bernie understands; there’s so much that should be said but none of it is good, none of it is right. There’s too much future that they should have had to say goodbye and close the door on the things that might have been.

 

But still, Bernadetta can’t help but feel that this is the last time she may ever see Felix. She stares back, trying to carve this one last face into her memory. It shouldn’t be hard, given all the time she’s spent staring at him and drawing him and daydreaming about him. But still. She stares back, just in case.

 

She wants to rush forward and wrap her arms around him, as if that would somehow keep them from being ripped apart, but she knows that if she does that she’ll lose the composure she’s fought so hard to keep, and today she can't afford to break.

 

So instead she takes a step toward Felix, standing on the step above him so their eyes are level, and takes his hand, squeezing it as tightly as she can. He squeezes back.

 

“Be safe out there,” she says, surprised by the evenness of her voice.

 

Felix swallows, nods again. “You too,” he says.

 

He holds her gaze for another long moment, the last one they may have.

 

Then before Bernie can even react, he pulls her closer and places a kiss on her cheek. He steps back, and after one more glance, turns and leaves without a word, because there aren’t any more to say.

 

The cry of a scout carries over the field and is echoed by more shouts and clanking armor as the message is relayed throughout the troops. The roar of wyverns carries over the horizon, beyond Bernadetta’s vision.

 

She grips her bow. She won’t break.

Notes:

Aaaaand that's the end of part one! We made it to the timeskip! Who would have ever thought we'd make it this far?

I've got some really fun ideas for post-timeskip so I hope you'll look forward to them :)

Thanks as always for reading! xo

Chapter 22

Summary:

It's been a long time.

Notes:

Hello! Yes, I am alive!

Between a huge work project and planning my actual real life wedding it hasn't left a lot of time and energy for writing lol, but the work project finally wrapped up so I was able to finally put out this chapter! Without further ado, please enjoy! :)

Felix sits atop the roof of what was once the student dorms, leaning against a chimney stack with his legs stretched out in front of him. He absent-mindedly tosses a dagger in the air as his eyes scan the monastery grounds for potential threats, a habit formed from the last five years of war.

 

Felix sighs, thinking that Ingrid would scold him for being so careless with a weapon, but he can’t help it. He’s restless.

 

He supposes maybe he should be happy; two friends both thought long dead have returned to life, and the rest of his former classmates seem to consider it a good omen even if the prince’s demeanor has them on edge.

 

But there’s no time for small happinesses in this war, no sense counting battles before they’re won. Yes, the person who used to be Felix’s oldest friend is still alive, and Felix is grateful for that; but he’s still gone in the way he’s been gone for years. It’s just that everyone else can see it now.

 

The boar is completely unfit to lead or rule a country, although the others are hopeful he can be helped, can be saved. Felix quietly hopes the same thing, but he’s not going to say as much because there’s too much to lose if they’re all wrong.

 

The professor, much better for wear, has of course always been an excellent warrior and tactician, but just how much difference can one person make? Between the two returned from the dead, can either one really turn the tide of this long, godforsaken war?

 

Felix sighs again. He’s not convinced that two people are going to suddenly fix everything. He’s spent too long on the front lines keeping the dogs away from his people to buy into that.

 

Felix stands, stretches his legs.

 

It’s not like he’s about to stop fighting, either.

 

Suddenly, movement by the monastery gates catches his eye. Just a single horse with two riders. Felix squints, but he can’t make them out from here.

 

He can feel himself tensing, ready to spring into action if needed, but logically it’s unlikely this is a threat. Only two riders, and the scouts didn’t raise the alarm. Either they’re friendly, or a distraction.

 

Felix worries momentarily that it’s the second option when he hears a scream coming from the dining hall, but then he realizes it’s Annette, that she’s running towards the newcomers, and that she doesn’t actually look or sound distressed.

 

He looks again towards the newcomers who are closer now, and as they dismount Felix tries to get a look at who it is, willing him not to get his hopes up -

 

His heart stops.

 

Purple hair, he’s certain of it.

 

Annette runs toward the purple-haired rider and scoops her into a twirling hug, and Felix is sure.

 

Bernadetta, who he’d thought so much about, wondered so much about, tried to stop thinking and wondering about, wondering if she was alive for the last five years, was right in front of him.

 

Somehow it’s like a punch in the gut and a wave of relief all at once, and while he doesn’t know how this war is going to end, doesn’t know if Byleth can make a difference, doesn’t know if Dimitri can ever return to even a fraction of his old self, there is one thing he knows for sure.

 

He’s not going to let Bernadetta slip away from him again.

 

---

 

Bernie can’t remember the last time she felt this happy. (Well, that’s not true. She can, but it’s been five years, in a time that feels like a different life, so the expression still seems appropriate.)

 

Annette pulls her and Dorothea by the hand toward the dining hall where more familiar faces are pouring out the door, rushing toward her and sweeping her into hug after hug. Mercedes, Ingrid, Sylvain, Ashe.

 

So many friends she’d had no news of for five years, right in front of her and in her arms. It seems too good to be true. Is it a dream?

 

It feels even more like a dream when the professor finally makes his appearance, and Bernadetta chokes out a laugh and a sob alongside Dorothea as they both rush to embrace him at once. To make sure he’s real.

 

Apparently they’ve arrived just in time for dinner, and the group moves inside, sitting the two newly-arrived girls at a bench, Mercedes placing two steaming bowls of stew in front of them.

 

“You must be famished after traveling,” she says, her voice just as sweet and comforting as Bernie remembers. “I’m sure we’d all love to know what the last five years have been like for you, but do take care of yourselves first.”

 

They dig in, and let the rest of the group do the talking. Everyone seems so boisterous and cheerful, it’s almost like they’ve gone back in time. Almost. There’s a brittleness to the excitement, like cracks in veneer, and there are some faces missing. Bernie shoves her anxiousness down; she doesn’t want to ask yet, doesn’t want to ruin the mood yet if… well.

 

Dorothea finishes her food first and sets down her spoon as she begins telling their tale.

 

“So we spent the last four years and change holed up in an Alliance town near the border,” she begins. “Laying low and doing laundry and mending to pay the bills and listen for gossip so we could send whatever info we could up to Claude and his people. It was certainly nerve-wracking at times, but I’m just glad we were able to get out of the Empire.”

 

“Hey! Nerve-wracking for you ?” Bernie teases her around her last spoonful of stew. “You’re too famous, so I’m the one who had to go out in public most of the time! It was terrifying!” She’s half teasing; of course she didn’t want to go out around strangers, but it was scary for both of them whenever Empire soldiers wound up making their way into town. Not to mention, they both knew it was less scary than fighting.

 

“And also,” Bernie continues, pointing her spoon at Dorothea, “you left out the part about your daring rescue.”

 

Dorothea smiles and nudges Bernie with her elbow. “Oh yes, very well. Well, right after the monastery fell we all dispersed rather quickly. I tried to get a hold of Bern to make sure she was okay, and eventually found out she was trapped in Varley with her bastard of a father, who was under house arrest.” Dorothea’s expression darkens at the mention of Bernadetta’s father, but quickly returns to something more playful as she finishes the story. “So of course I valiantly went to rescue my little damsel in distress. Snuck in the middle of the night and whisked her away.”

 

Bernie giggles at the retelling. “She threw a rock at my window and threw a rope up for me to climb down and everything, it was very romantic,” she says.

 

She can laugh now, but those months back at home had been horrible. Her father, now powerless, was angrier than ever and living in that castle felt more like living in a nightmare. She had often told Dorothea how grateful she was for helping her get out, lying together on makeshift bedrolls in the dark of their cramped little Alliance apartment.

 

“Wow, if you ever want to come whisk me away in the middle of the night just let me know,” Sylvain jokes, waggling his eyebrows at Dorothea. She rolls her eyes and reaches across the table to flick him on the forehead.

 

“Anyway,” Dorothea continues as Sylvain rubs his forehead, “when we got word of activity at the monastery right around the time we all promised to meet back up, we thought we’d pack up in the hopes of seeing everyone again. And here we are.”

 

The table falls into silence, the reminder that not everyone is here stretching out over them. Bernadetta and Dorothea not wanting to ask, everyone else not really wanting to answer.

 

“Dimitri is here,” Ingrid says after a while. “He’s not… well… but…”

 

“Felix is around too! I don’t know where he is though,” Annette pipes up, and the hand squeezing at Bernadetta’s heart loosens its grip. It’s almost as if she knew Bernie wanted to ask but couldn’t muster the courage.  “Probably moping somewhere. I feel like he does that a lot these days…”

 

Felix is alive. He’s okay. Bernie lets out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. The question she had asked so many times, so desperately over the last five years, finally had an answer. She could cry, she’s so relieved.

 

There’s silence for another moment, as their friends decide who has to say the difficult thing.

 

Eventually it’s Mercedes that does, but her gentle voice does nothing to ease the news. “Dedue… isn’t here. He gave his life to allow Dimitri to escape.”

 

Bernie does cry. She had known, somewhere in the back of her mind, that it was possible not everyone would make it. War was full of dangers, after all. But Dedue… who had looked so scary but was really so sweet and considerate on the inside. How could he be gone?

 

The tears slip over her cheeks, and she tries to brush them away without making a big deal out of it. Annette slips an arm around her waist, and she can hear Ashe sniffling across from her.

 

They sit in silence a moment longer in memory of their friend. “We made a small memorial for him in the graveyard, if you’d like to visit it later,” Mercedes says eventually.

 

Bernie nods. She’ll do that. And she’ll tend the gardens for him, too.

 

Mercedes stands. “For now, why don’t we get you two settled in? I’m sure you’d like to rest after travelling all the way from the Alliance.”

 

Bernie and Dorothea carry their meagre belongings and some clean linens out to the dormitories, and again, it’s like taking a step back in time. She half expects to see Petra and Leonie sparring on the grass, Ignatz working on a painting by the pond, or Alois loudly complaining that the fish aren’t biting today.

 

But it’s just her and Dorothea, standing in front of their old rooms as Mercedes leaves them to settle in.

 

“Well,” Dorothea says, breathing out the word like a farewell. “It was a treat sharing the same space with you for all those years, but I suppose it’ll be nice to have a little room to stretch out again, hm?”

 

“Hey, I didn’t kick you in my sleep that much,” Bernie protests weakly.  It is going to be a little strange sleeping alone after four years sharing a small room, though.

 

Dorothea just smiles knowingly. “Well, I’m sure there’s lots of dust to clean out so I’m going to get started on that,” she says, and gives Bernie’s shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

 

As Dorothea’s door closes softly behind her, Bernie faces the door of her own room with a dread she doesn’t quite understand.

 

She’ll just go up to the door… Turn the handle… Clean up a bit and that’s it. Right? Come on Bernie, you can do this!

 

But her feet haven’t moved, and she sighs.

 

This room was her home, her sanctuary, her safe haven. What if she opens the door, and it’s been ripped to shreds by looters, and her happy memories are ripped to shreds along with it?

 

What if this room doesn’t feel as safe as it used to? What if she never feels that safe ever again?

 

Bernie closes her eyes and lightly slaps her cheeks a couple times. This isn’t any scarier than going to the market or sending secret messages. Much less scary.

 

And if she could do all that, she can open this door, right?

 

“Right,” she whispers aloud.

 

Steeling herself, she slowly turns the door handle and pushes the door open. The room is dark, and a thick layer of dust carpets the floor. 

 

Bernie takes a step inside and blows out a breath. Yep, bandits have definitely been through here.

 

The old bed coverings are gone, as are her books and sewing supplies. Some of her old stuffies are still here, a few of them knocked onto the floor. Bernie supposes that little stuffed chipmunks and carnivorous plants wouldn’t be that valuable to looters. Perhaps she should be grateful for that.

 

She moves to the window, to throw it open and get some fresh air and light inside (what a thought! Not something she would have chosen to do when she lived here before), but what she finds on the windowsill makes her gasp.

 

“Oh no! Carrie!” The flower pots that rested on the sill were still in their old places, but unsurprisingly five years without care left the plants inside nothing more than shriveled husks. Bernie delicately picks up the pot that once held her steadfast carnivorous friend. “I’m so sorry… Oh, Hyacinthia too…” The beautiful plant Ferdinand had gifted her on her birthday was also no more.

 

Bernadetta sighed and set the pot back down before opening the window as she had intended. It was a shame, and she would miss them, but she could grow more plants. Those could be replaced.

 

After sweeping out the dust and making up the bed in fresh sheets, the space did look somewhat more inviting. A little more like what she remembered. She could make more crafts to redecorate, do some painting and writing and drawing…

 

“Oh yeah! I wonder what might still be left in the desk? All my old doodles wouldn’t be worth stealing, right? Oh, unless they used them for kindling…” 

 

Most of the drawers are empty, but to Bernadetta’s relief? Surprise? Embarrassment? She can’t decide - a whole drawer full of drawings of Felix still remains.

 

Why haven’t I seen Felix yet anyway? She wonders as she starts thumbing through them.

 

---

 

Felix hasn’t gone to see her yet because he is, apparently, still a coward.

 

He can defy a tyrant’s army, dive into enemy ranks alone and come out the other side, and even command battalions if he really has to.

 

But when it comes to Bernadetta, apparently he hasn’t made any progress since he was seventeen.

 

He stands in front of the dormitory building, fists clenched and mouth dry. He’s fidgeting , for Seiros’ sake. He can see Bernadetta, closer than she’s been in five years, through her open bedroom door. Her back is turned to him as she thumbs through some papers in the desk.

 

What is he even so afraid of?

 

What if I’m the only one that’s been thinking about her the whole time? A voice buzzes in his mind, like a fly that slipped in an open window. He tries to mentally swat it away, but it comes again. What if she fell in love with someone else and all these feelings you were pretending not to carry around were for nothing?

 

Felix rolls his eyes at himself. This kind of thinking isn’t getting anywhere. Regardless of anything else, Bernadetta is alive , and that’s more than enough. He still considers himself her friend, so he’d better go and say something before she starts thinking he hates her or something.

 

Taking one last breath to steady himself, Felix takes the few steps up to the porch and knocks on Bernadetta’s open door.

 

Before he can say anything else, Bernadetta screams, startled by the noise.

 

“Eep!” She shoves the papers she was looking at back into the drawer and slams it shut. “I-I-I didn’t draw any of these! The bandits put them there - wait, Felix?!”

 

Any curiosity about what drawings the bandits supposedly left vacates Felix’s brain as she turns around to face him - the cute, scruffy girl from his memories has grown into a woman, and a beautiful one at that.

 

She’s the same height as him now, which hardly seems fair, and he likes her new haircut, and her face is maybe a bit thin but she has only gotten prettier as she grew up, and her smile is like sunlight after an endless night, water after an endless trek through the desert.

 

And when she recognizes Felix, goddess how she smiles. She rushes toward him with open arms as if to bring him into a hug like he saw her do with Annette and Mercedes, and it’s all the better and worse as his brain scrambles to replace his old memories of her with this new perception and it’s all way too much - she’s this happy to see him? - and he is so fucked.

 

The sensation is so overwhelming that he involuntarily steps back, and Bernadetta stops short, her arms still raised.

 

But it doesn’t seem to faze her. “Felix! I’m so happy to see you!” she beams at him, before her expression cracks slightly and tears start to form in the corners of her eyes. She blinks them back. “I’m so happy that you’re… alive! I mean it’s been five years and we hadn’t heard anything so I kept wondering… Oh, um, me and Dorothea were camped out near the Alliance-Empire border, trying to be spies for the Alliance. It was pretty scary, oh, but not nearly as scary as fighting like you’ve been doing…”

 

Felix cuts off her rambling by stepping forward to meet her embrace like he should have done in the first place. “I’m glad you’re alive too,” he says, voice rougher than he intended, and Bernadetta lifts her arms to lightly wrap around his back.

 

She sniffles, and Felix raises one hand to cradle her head, tucking her into the space between his neck and shoulder. It feels right, like she belonged there all along.

 

“I missed you,” he says.

Notes:

I missed you too, Felix. And all you lovely readers <3

Apparently it's Felibern week next week! I don't have anything planned for it lol but I look forward to reading what everyone has made and I'm happy to see this pairing get some love <3 <3 <3

Take care of yourselves out there, and thanks as always for reading. xo

Chapter 23

Summary:

In which Mr. Fraldarius p a n i c s

Notes:

Hello yes I am still alive and so is this fic

“What?!” Bernadetta nearly drops the broom she’s holding, and Dorothea simply turns from where she’s piling up bits of broken furniture to look at her with a smug smile.

 

“Come on. Don’t you think Felix has gotten hotter over the last five years?”

 

Bernie’s face is so red she thinks it might be glowing. “I-I-I don’t know what you mean!” She busies herself with the broom. “Come on, shouldn’t we f-focus on cleaning?”

 

But of course, Dorothea isn’t dissuaded so easily. Bernie knows that, but she had to try anyway. “Don’t try and change the subject on me,” Dorothea says and clucks her tongue. “You know I’m right. He’s filled out a lot and his face is less boyish now, and he’s got that nice new rugged hairstyle. Am I wrong?”

 

Bernie can feel Dorothea staring at the back of her head and could swear there must be steam coming out of her ears. Bernie sighs, unable to escape Dorothea’s prying. “Y-you’re right…” she mumbles. Not that she’d been thinking about how hot he’d gotten, or had trouble not staring at mealtimes, or been thinking what it would feel like to run her fingers through his hair, or been itching to get her hands on art supplies so she could try drawing his beautiful, beautiful face…

 

“Right. And so, since I’m right, and you agree with me, you should ask him out soon, right?” says Dorothea.

 

Bernie nearly chokes and whirls around to face her friend. “What? No! Felix being handsome and Felix wanting to date Bernie are two completely unrelated things! There’s no way I’m asking him that. I’m just happy to see him again,” she splutters.

 

Dorothea throws another broken chair leg down on the pile in the old store room. “We’ve had this conversation a thousand times before Bern, which is why you know I’m going to say that he totally likes you. ”

 

“And you know that I’ve told you a thousand times before that no he does not ,” Bernie retorts. “Well, probably.”

 

“But he kissed you, Bernie!” Dorothea insists. “That’s got to mean something!”

 

“On the cheek,” Bernadetta reminds her, as she’s done every time they’ve had this conversation over the last five years. “Nobles do that all the time, that doesn’t mean anything.”

 

“From ice cold Felix Fraldarius who doesn’t give a damn about stupid noble customs? It definitely means something. He doesn’t just do that with people,” Dorothea says.

 

Bernie squirms. She hears what Dorothea is saying but… Bernie just doesn’t know why Felix would ever like her like that. She knows they’re friends (right? Yes stupid thoughts we are definitely friends so don’t start ), but it just seems so impossible. Just because she lies awake at night thinking about his stupidly hot face doesn’t mean it belongs to her. Doesn’t mean he thinks about her too.

 

And if she tells him how she feels and he doesn’t… feel the same way, Bernie’s little heart might not be able to take it. Her hands tremble at the thought.

 

When she doesn’t respond, Dorothea lets out a breath through her nose and lays a hand on Bernie’s arm. “I’m teasing, but you know I just want you to be happy,” she says, her voice gentle and serious. “In times like these, whatever happiness you can find is so precious, and I don’t want you to let it slip through your fingers.” She pulls Bernadetta in for a hug and Bernie returns it. “But it’s your choice, so I won’t say anything to anyone. And if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.”

 

---

 

It isn’t that Felix doesn’t want to tell Bernadetta how he feels.

 

It isn’t that he’s scared of what will happen after he tells her, because he hasn’t allowed himself to think that far.

 

Felix moves through a series of footwork before landing a blow on the wooden dummy he’s wailed on so many times at the training grounds.

 

No, it’s really none of that. ( Really , Felix emphasizes to the imaginary Sylvain in his mind who is raising an imaginary eyebrow at him.)

 

It’s just that, Felix has absolutely no idea how to do it.

 

Beside him, Bernadetta runs through her lance training with a similar dummy. It’s been about a week since she and Dorothea returned to Garreg Mach, and  they’ve managed to fall back into their old training routine comfortably, to Felix’s relief.

 

But the problem is that training is pretty much the only thing Felix knows how to do. So instead of say, asking Bernadetta on a date to the newly rebuilding town like Sylvain might, he asked her to train.

 

She said yes, but that still didn’t solve the problem. What, is he supposed to just blurt out “I’m in love you with” between bashing in a dummy’s head?

 

No. Felix may be stupid when it comes to this kind of this, but he’s not that stupid.

 

So instead he says, “Want to spar together if you’re done with your drills?”

 

----

 

They take their meals together. They train together. Byleth pairs them up for chores and Felix can’t help but wonder if the professor knows something, but he isn’t complaining.

 

It’s all… the same. Just like the days at the academy, before everything went to hell. It’s comfortable in a way that Felix is never comfortable with anyone else.

 

But it’s also so different, for Felix anyway. He’s afraid now that she’ll disappear from him again without warning and this time he’ll really never see her again. It makes the peaceful moments feel like they’ll slip away at any second, every grain of sand dropping from the hourglass a reminder that he needs to tell her to stay with him always, to never leave, to stay alive.

 

There is a chance that by confessing he’ll disrupt the easy friendship they’ve crafted, that he’ll make Bernadetta uncomfortable. She is so easy to spook, after all.

 

All the more reason to make sure he does it properly.

 

They meet up one afternoon at the hill on the monastery grounds where Bernadetta would always show him the new chapters of her novel and paint or draw while he read.

 

Bernadetta seems excited as she bounces up the hill, then drops to her knees to rummage through her satchel. She looks back at him and grins. “I can’t wait to show you this - ta-da!” She brandishes a bunch of bound pages and holds it out towards Felix as he takes his seat on the grass beside her. “It’s the finished copy of Elincia: Warrior Princess ! I had to write extra small because I didn’t have access to much paper but I thought you might like to know how it ends.”

 

Felix can’t keep himself from smiling back as he takes it from her, noticing how she didn’t doubt that he would want to read it. “I had been wondering what happened with that Black Knight, he seemed like he would be a formidable opponent.” 

 

Bernadetta seems pleased with his response. “Heehee! I knew you would want there to be an awesome fight scene so I made sure to make it extra exciting,” she says, and Felix feels his temperature rise at the mention of her thinking of him while they were apart. “Let’s see… I think this is about where you would have left off.” She reaches for the book and turns to a page about halfway through before pulling out a sewing project.

 

Felix does want to read it, and what he does read is enjoyable - Bernadetta’s writing was always good and it seems she got even better over the last five years - but he can’t keep his mind on the story. Every half a page or so, his mind drifts from the words on the page to the thought of Bernadetta, however many years ago, writing by candlelight in a cramped Leicester apartment, thinking of him.

 

If she had been thinking of him, did that mean…? Maybe it just meant that he was someone who read her stories, and that was the only reason. She used to show him the new chapters, so of course she would think of him while writing.

 

Then again, Felix knows she still thought of him as a friend over the last five years, so maybe that was it. A trusted friend with whom she hoped she could share her work again one day.

 

But… what if…

 

What if she had thought of him the same way he had thought of her? Wondering if he was still alive on cold nights when the noise from soldiers’ encampments carried on the wind? Wishing she could see his face one more time as the smell of smoke rolled in from the countryside?

 

If that was the case, then… then there would be no more reason to hesitate. If that was the case then every moment Felix spends hesitating is a moment foolishly wasted

 

But the truth is that Felix doesn’t know why Bernadetta was thinking of him, or what she thinks of him now. He curses at himself as one part of him continues to hesitate, to dig in his heels, and the other frantically decides that now, now, he should tell her right now.

 

But he hasn’t planned for this, has no idea what to say, and his mind goes blank except for the words in front of him which have lost all meaning, the panicked beating of his heart, and Bernadetta’s soft humming from beside him.

 

The sun eventually begins to set, and Felix has neither not finished the story (for obvious reasons) nor gathered his resolve, so they pack up and head back.

 

“You can keep it until you’re done, I don’t need it any time soon. Although, Sylvain is probably going to get antsy if I don’t let him read it soon, so… maybe don’t take too long,” Bernadetta says.

 

“Sylvain can wait,” Felix says as they make their way up the front stairs. “And don’t forget you promised to show me your writing first before Sylvain or anyone else.”

 

Bernadetta smiles and lets out a little laugh. “Of course!” she says. “I showed you this one first, didn’t I?”

 

She brushes a strand of hair behind her ear as they reach the top step, and in a moment that seems to stop time, a slight movement catches Felix’s eye - the bracelet Felix had given her on her birthday all those years ago slips down Bernadetta’s wrist from where it had been hidden beneath her glove.

 

And in that moment, everything becomes clear to Felix, all the pieces slide into place because there’s just no way she would still have that thing, let alone still be wearing it, if she didn’t think about him just as much as he thinks about her. If she didn’t have feelings for him too.

 

“Bernadetta,” Felix says, not hearing the sound of hoofbeats behind him, “I need to tell you something-”

 

But Bernadetta doesn’t seem to hear him as her gaze is focused somewhere behind Felix, and she lets out a gasp. “Ferdinand?!”

 

Felix turns to see Ferdinand von Aegir smoothly dismount his horse, his arrival quite the surprise to Felix, Bernadetta, and all of the monastery workers around them. A scout runs off, presumably to find Byleth.

 

Felix’s nerves turn to acid as Ferdinand’s eyes meet Bernadetta’s and he strides forward to pull her into a hug.

 

“Bernadetta! Goddess, I am so glad to see you!” he exclaims, his voice as grating as Felix remembered. Ferdinand pulls back to look Bernadetta over. “I hadn’t heard any news of you for so long I had worried that - well, nevermind that now. I am pleased to see you well and here at Garreg Mach. Ah! Speaking of, is it possible to meet with the Professor? I had heard they were here and I’m sure my presence must come as a surprise…”

 

Felix stops listening as Ferdinand blathers on, not knowing what he had just interrupted. His gut churns with more emotions than Felix cares to analyze. Bernadetta seems preoccupied, so Felix makes himself scarce, slipping away unnoticed as more people come to join in the commotion of Ferdinand’s arrival.

Notes:

It is basically my goal in life to make Felix suffer ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

I've got 3-4 more chapters planned after this point and I'm excited to finally get these two nerds together!! Absolutely no guarantee on how long it will take me to write them though lmao

Thank you for still being here and also I want to thank all the other authors writing Felibern fic, y'all are a gift to this earth 🙏

Take care of yourself, drink some water get lots of sleep and I'll see you next time!

Chapter 24

For most of Felix’s adult life, he had never considered Sylvain to be a source of wisdom when it came to anything useful. He had nothing to offer on the topic of sword fighting outside of being a sparring partner, so there wasn’t much reason to require his opinion.

 

So why is it that Felix keeps finding himself in Sylvain’s room when it comes to Bernadetta?

 

“I need your help,” Felix says bluntly after closing the door loudly.

 

Sylvain sets the book he was reading down and leans back in his chair. “Yeah? And why should I help you?” he says irreverently. “I’m never forgiving you for stealing Bernie’s first-reading rights from me, just so you know. I can’t believe I’ve been relegated to number-two fan.”

 

Felix bristles and crosses his arms. Why does Sylvain need to make this harder than it already is? Maybe this was a dumb idea. It almost certainly was, but Felix has already exhausted all the ideas he could come up with on his own, so leaving empty-handed won’t help him any either. He takes a breath and decides to push on. “Because… Because I seriously need your help,” he says.

 

Sylvain seems to notice Felix’s distress and mercifully eases up on the teasing. “Well, that is a pretty good reason,” he says. “What’s this about?”

 

Ah, yes. There it is, Felix’s arch-nemesis: speaking his feelings out loud. “It’s… well it’s - it’s about Bernadetta,” he eventually manages to stammer out. Why must this be so humiliating?

 

Sylvain smiles mischievously, and Felix would love to wipe that smug grin right off his face if he didn’t need to play nice right now. “You’ve come to the right place then, Fe! I am an expert when it comes to the topic of girls, after all. Now what can your Big Bro Sylvain do for you?”

 

“First of all, you can never call yourself ‘Big Bro Sylvain’ ever again,” Felix says. He steps nervously to the opposite wall, in part to ease his discomfort and partly so he wouldn’t have to face Sylvain as for what he has to say next.

 

“How… How do you kiss a girl?” he mumbles as noncommittally as possible. He wants to drive his head into the wall.

 

Sylvain sounds like he’s choking on his own spit behind him, but he recovers quickly. “Holy saints, Felix!” he exclaims. “I never thought this day would come. Okay, yes, I will definitely help you – wait, does this mean you confessed to Bernadetta?!”

 

Sylvain’s excitement embarrasses him, and Felix keeps his gaze fixed firmly on the floor. “Not yet, I –” he grunts. “I’m going to though, and…” He trails off, trusting Sylvain to fill in the blanks.

 

“This is so great,” Sylvain says, apparently still unable to contain his excitement. Why do people get so excited about stuff that’s none of their business? Ugh. “Oh man. Okay. Okay, sit down.”

 

Felix slumps down on the bed, but still doesn’t make eye contact with Sylvain, who is the one pacing now. That seems unfair, as Felix feels like he’s the one who should be pacing, but with an entirely different emotion driving the action.

 

“All right, we need a plan,” Sylvain says. “I’m guessing we need a plan for the confession, followed by a kiss after. How’s this then? You’ll take her out to dinner in town, then take her somewhere scenic where you can watch the sunset. Hire a local bard to meet you there who can play romantic music while you make your declaration of love, and then have your first kiss!”

 

“That’s idiotic,” Felix snaps, his irritation and embarrassment rising in his throat. “First of all, Bernadetta hates going out where there’s lots of people. And a bard? Are you kidding me?”

 

Sylvain waves his hands, unperturbed by Felix’s disapproval. “All right, all right. How about this, then – buy her an extravagant gift, like three dozen roses, or a diamond necklace. Surprise her with them, and when she’s all ‘What’s this about?’” – Sylvain pitches his voice up for dramatic effect – “then you can tell her that you’re in love with her, and then you kiss and live happily ever after.”

 

Felix groans and buries his head in his hands. This really was a terrible idea. “That’s awful,” he says. “Is this really how you’ve acted around girls all this time?”

 

“Yes, and it works,” Sylvain retorts, starting to resent the fact that his ideas are being met with such disdain. “What’s wrong with the last plan?”

 

“It’s – I can’t just give her a giant bouquet of roses,” Felix splutters.

 

“And why not?”

 

“I just can’t, okay? Where would I even give that to her? Or store them? What if someone saw me walking around with them? Ugh, I should have never asked you.” Felix starts to stand but lets Sylvain push him back down.

 

“Nope, you are not getting out of this that easily,” Sylvain says. “Okay then, why don’t you just go up to her and say, ‘Hey Bernadetta, I really like you and I would like to kiss you now, is that okay?’”

 

“Sylvain !” Felix is horrified.

 

“Seriously!” Sylvain retorts. “It’s that easy! If you don’t like my big grand gestures then just keep it simple.”

 

Easy? As if any of this is easy. As if just opening his mouth and saying exactly what he feels is easy . He should have figured someone like Sylvain wouldn’t understand.

 

“I know what you’re thinking,” Sylvain says, although Felix has his doubts about that. “You can do this. You should do this. If not for yourself, do it for Bernie. She deserves to know that someone cares about her the way you do. Look, just find somewhere quiet where you won’t be interrupted, and try to tell her how you feel. As for kissing, just move slowly and you won’t miss. Okay?”

—--

It’s Bernadetta’s turn to help with breakfast, and she’s busy serving food when Felix appears in front of her, next in line.

 

“Good morning, Felix,” she says with a smile. “We’ve got eggs, bacon, and pancakes today. Should I get you some bacon and eggs?” He doesn’t like sweets, after all.

 

“Um, yeah. Please,” he tacks on at the end. He seems distracted this morning. What could be bothering him?

 

Felix seems to notice her frowning and he starts like he’s been pulled from being deep in thought. “Um, can you meet me later? By the front gate?”

 

Bernie blinks. This is pretty strange for him, although she has no reason to want to say no. “Yeah, of course,” she says. What’s gotten into him today?

 

He seems visibly relieved. “Okay, great,” he says, glancing over his shoulder as he suddenly remembers the breakfast line behind him. “Meet me there at sundown, okay?”

 

Bernadetta spends all day fretting and over-analysing Felix’s unusual behavior. It was so unlike him to sound so vague and uncertain. What could he need her for? Training exercises outside the monastery walls? It wouldn’t be the first time they’d done something like that, but not usually once it was dark outside.

 

Maybe there’s some kind of secret mission?! The thought sent Bernie’s blood pressure skyrocketing. Surely there would be a better choice than her if that was the case?

 

Or maybe he found a spy in the monastery or something…! That would be awful, but that would explain his uncertainty, if he didn’t know who he could trust… But that would also mean that Bernie is someone he can trust, which is nice to know although the thought of such a dangerous situation makes her want to run and hide.

 

If there is a spy… who could it be? Bernie doesn’t like the thought of that. She can’t imagine not trusting any of her friends here or doubting their intentions. Maybe it’s someone less conspicuous, just a soldier in the ranks… Hmm…

 

Bernie is sweeping out a pegasus stall when she realizes the crazy conclusion she’s just come to. She slaps herself in the face, surprising Marianne who had come down from the northern Alliance lands to join them.

 

Come on, Bernie! Snap out of it!

 

Whatever the reason is, it’s Felix. She trusts him. So she’s just going to meet him later and find out what’s actually going on then.

 

In the meantime, she’ll just have to try to keep her mind from finding any more unlikely scenarios to latch onto.

 

—

 

The monastery is bathed in glowing orange light when Bernie makes her way down to the front gate by the marketplace. She thought she was here fairly early as it would still be a little while before the sun dipped below the horizon, but Felix is already there waiting for her. 

 

As she approaches their meeting spot, Felix again looks nervous. Restless. He keeps shifting his weight between his feet, crossing and uncrossing his arms, running his hand through his hair. It makes Bernadetta nervous too. Is something really wrong?

 

He finally sees Bernie approaching and ceases his fidgeting, which makes her even more worried. Does whatever is bothering Felix have to do with Bernadetta? Did she do something wrong? Is there some terrible news he’s going to tell her? Maybe Dimitri thinks she’s the spy and decided to kick her out? Is she going to get kicked out right now?! Maybe after all these years, now’s finally the time that Felix has decided to…!

 

No, she can’t even finish that thought. Bernie firmly shushes all the voices in her head. She knows Felix. She trusts him. Now’s not the time to let her anxieties run away with her. Yes, his behavior is strange for him and she’s feeling on edge. But she should at least wait to find out what’s going on before entering a full on panic. She’s twenty-three now, surely she’s learned some self-control in the last five years.

 

Bernie closes the last few steps between her and Felix and puts on a smile, hoping it masks her anxiety well enough.

 

“So, what’s going on, Felix? Is everything all right?” she asks.

 

Felix nods. “Follow me,” he says, and heads down the stairs.

 

… Is that it? Bernie’s smile slips a little but she follows him a few steps behind.

 

They walk in silence for a few minutes, Felix having never been the type for small talk and Bernie being too nervous to think of anything to say.

 

After they enter the forest outside the monastery, Bernie pipes up. “Um, where are we going?” she asks. Surely it’s all right to ask that.

 

“You’ll see when we get there,” Felix replies over his shoulder.

 

Okay. Okay. She trusts him. She does! She really does. But all this not-really-answering-questions stuff is not good for her heart, which is beating a mile a minute and when they get there there had better be a really good explanation for all this or she is definitely giving herself permission to panic!!

 

A few more minutes pass before they arrive at a small clearing in the trees, and Felix stops walking. Bernadetta follows suit and slows to a stop beside him.

 

Bernie looks at Felix, who seems to be looking for something. More silence.

 

It’s just unbearable! “So, um…” she starts. “Uh, what are we doing out here?”

 

Felix glances at her and tenses his jaw. Bernie has an apology halfway out her mouth before he says, “Just wait a minute. They should be here soon.” More softly, he adds, “I’m sure of it.”

 

Okay… seems like Bernie isn’t getting kicked out or killed tonight… maybe…? Remember, Bernie: trust!! 

 

She bites her lip and fiddles with her jacket to try and keep herself silent. She’ll find out who “they” are in just a minute.

 

Another nerve-wracking series of moments pass, the sun completely below the horizon now. The clearing they’re in is nearly completely dark save for a thin strip of pale blue along one edge of the horizon.

 

And then, suddenly – “Yes! Right there,” Felix hisses, and he grabs Bernadetta’s hand and pulls her a few steps farther into the clearing. He points into the clearing and turns back toward her, a smile on his face now. “Do you see it?”

 

Bernie squints, unsure of what she’s supposed to be looking at until –

 

“Fireflies!” she gasps. She can’t help but let a warm smile creep across her face as the night sky lights up around them. Dozens, maybe even hundreds of tiny, soft yellow-green lights flicker in and out of existence before her very eyes. “Oh, wow! Felix, this is incredible!”

 

All her nerves melt into giddiness when she turns to see the grin plastered on Felix’s face, and she laughs. She can’t help it; all the energy she’d been bottling up bubbles up and out of her mouth, and it’s glorious. She runs forward to the center of the clearing, and spreads her arms wide as she spins around, still laughing. It feels so magical, as if the stars have come down to earth to dance just for her.

 

Felix follows behind her, and Bernie turns to face him. “How did you find this place, Felix? It’s so beautiful!” she says.

 

He just shrugs, which is just so very Felix , and says, “I just came across it one night, and I thought you’d like it. I remember you saying you liked fireflies back at the academy.”

 

Bernadetta flushes, though Felix probably can’t tell with how dark it is now. Not only did she say she liked fireflies, but she thought they were romantic. Does he still remember that part too, from all those years ago?

 

“Actually, Bernadetta,” Felix says, all the uncertainty in his body language returning from earlier. “I wanted to tell you something.”

 

“Hm? Wh-what is it, Felix?”

 

“I… The thing is, I… you…”

 

He starts and stops, his hands tensing into fists. Bernadetta waits without interrupting, because she knows expressing his thoughts is difficult for him. She doesn’t know what to expect him to say, but at this point she can at least feel confident it’s not something bad.

 

Felix struggles for a moment more, before abandoning words in favor of action: he closes the distance between him and Bernadetta in two strides, before taking her face into his hands, and slowly, oh so slowly, leaning his face in towards hers.

 

Kissing her.

 

He’s kissing her.

 

He’s…!!

 

Once her brain stops short-circuiting, Bernie kisses him back, raising her hands to latch onto his jacket. It’s all so much, in the best possible way. Felix’s fingers, rough against the skin of her cheek. Felix’s scent, so close and heady. Felix’s body, right next to hers. And his lips! His lips, soft and warm and everything she’s dreamed of and she just wants more –

 

Felix breaks away suddenly, chest heaving for air, but not so far that Bernadetta can’t still feel his breath, mingling in the night air with hers.

 

“Was that… okay…?” he whispers.

 

She nods, never breaking eye contact

 

He kisses her again, and it’s perfect.

Notes:

:)

 

EDIT: nagasleeps has graciously created fanart for the firefly scene in this chapter!!! Please check it out, it's seriously so beautiful ;_; I never expected something like this when I started out, so I am extremely honoured!!

Chapter 25

Summary:

Bernadetta has a surprise visitor. Felix is not impressed.

Notes:

Before we begin:

1) May I just say, I wrote the first scene before the new Three Hopes trailer came out with Felix's ponytail, which I have extremely mixed feelings about.

2) WE HAVE FANART!!!! nagasleeps made this beautiful fanart of the firefly scene in the last chapter which you absolutely go look at right now!!! When I started this fic I never thought that anyone would make art for it, and I am truly just so honored and grateful. I keep it open in a tab so I can just gaze at it whenever I want to.

3) A very mild content warning for a Bernie freakout. I wouldn't call it a panic attack or anything, but you know how she do and she gets pretty anxious in this chapter.

Enjoy!

Bernie can’t remember a time she felt this happy, when the world outside her room felt this warm and inviting. It’s like the sun is brighter, the birds sing louder, and food tastes better. It’s like something out of one of her romance novels!

 

With every kiss, every smile, every time Felix takes hold of her hand, Bernie’s heart feels a little lighter and it’s almost easy to forget they’re in the middle of a war.

 

One golden afternoon Bernie finds herself outside with Felix, the two of them reading quietly at their favourite hillside spot. Felix rests his head on Bernadetta’s lap, and she fiddles idly with the clasp on his jacket.

 

To be completely honest, she’s not really that focused on her book. After all, her real life had suddenly become so much more engaging than any story! The object of her five-year crush is right in front of her, literally in her lap, and he likes her back!!

 

Or, well. He hadn’t said as much in so many words, but this is Felix she’s talking about. He’s not much of a talker. And Bernie is pretty sure he’s not the type to kiss someone on the mouth several times if he didn’t mean anything by it.

 

Since Felix didn’t say anything… neither did Bernie. It was sort of awkward to bring up, since it was kind of obvious. And the thought of randomly blurting out, “Hey Felix, I really like you!” makes Bernadetta blush in embarrassment just to think about it, so for the most part she has decided to think about it later.

 

But it’s not something that bothers her. For now, she’s simply so happy and content knowing that at the end of the day, there’s someone who looks forward to seeing her, who has a special smile just for her, who will squeeze her hand under the dining table and hug her when she’s feeling scared and give her a kiss goodnight.

 

She smiles down at Felix, his face cast half in shadow by the book he’s holding up to read. After a moment, his amber eyes roam up to meet hers, and she startles and quickly looks back at her book.

 

“Can I help you?” Felix says.

 

“Hmm?” Nothing to see here, no idea what you’re talking about!

 

“You were staring,” he says, and Bernie can hear the smirk in his voice.

 

“I-I wasn’t!” Bernie maintains, staring determinedly at the pages of her book, not reading a word.

 

Felix chuckles, although it’s really more of a ‘hpmh’ sound. “It’s fine, you can stare at me if you want,” he says.

 

Bernadetta can feel a blush rising to her cheeks, but she lowers her book after a moment. Felix’s gaze has returned to his novel, so she takes him up on his offer and stares some more at his beautiful amber eyes. How is it fair for his eyes to be so gorgeous? They always look so serious, but she loves to see him like this, when the lines around his eyes are smoothed out and relaxed.

 

A breeze ruffles his bangs a little bit, and Berandetta is suddenly filled with the urge to run her fingers through his hair.

 

“H-Hey Felix. Can I take out your hair tie?” she asks.

 

Felix furrows his brows slightly. “U-uh, okay,” he ventures. “But…why?”

 

Bernie can feel the heat return to her face. “I just, um. Wanted to touch your hair. Is that okay?”

 

“Uh,” Felix clears his throat, “yeah, okay.” Now he’s the one whose cheeks are turning red.

 

Bernie’s heart picks up speed in the most pleasant way, and she tugs the hair tie from Felix’s ponytail. She runs her hand over the nearly jet black locks once, then threads her fingers through –

 

A noise of surprise escapes her; she’s not sure what she was expecting, but her fingers snag on knots and tangles and she can’t move her fingers more than an inch! Felix looks up at the noise.

 

“Felix!” she admonishes. “Your hair is so tangled, don’t you brush it?”

 

“I don’t see what the problem is,” he says, though he stubbornly refuses to meet her gaze now. “It just needs to be out of my face.”

 

“Hey, don’t you remember what I used to look like when we were back in school? I never brushed my hair and I looked like a giant fluff ball! Is that what you want your hair to look like?”

 

Felix is smirking again now, having found a foothold in their little game of embarrassment tug-of-war. “Hey, I thought you were pretty cute back then,” he says. 

 

Bernie lets out an ‘eep!’ and falls back onto the grass, covering her face with her book again to hide her violent blush. How could he just say something so sweet like that like it’s nothing!!

 

She can feel Felix sit up off her lap and lean over her, but she resolutely keeps her book over her face. She feels like if she looks him in the eye right now she might melt into a puddle. Or explode. Or both.

 

Felix does his sort-of chuckle again and gently guides the book down, so he can see her now extremely-red face. He’s smiling at her, and it’s the kind of real, gentle, tender smile he reserves only for her, and she is just so saints-damned happy that she’s surprised there’s any breath to still take away when Felix says, “I think you’re pretty cute now too,” and kisses her on the forehead.

 

Could this moment just please last forever?

 

But unfortunately, it’s over in just another moment because there’s a war on, and they’ve got duties to attend to. Felix raises himself to his feet and holds out a hand to Bernadetta to help her up.

 

“Shall we head back?” he says.

 

The goddess still shows small kindnesses though; Felix keeps hold of her hand all the way back to the monastery.

 

—

 

Felix and Bernadetta haven’t been advertising their new relationship (well okay, they hadn’t officially called it a relationship or labelled it, but still), but they hadn’t exactly been hiding it either.

 

Bernie had told Dorothea of course, because when your five-year crush kisses you, you tell your best friend! And she was pretty sure Felix had told Sylvain about it too. And while Bernie was confident those two wouldn’t gossip about her behind her back, it wasn’t long before the rest of the monastery had figured out what was going on.

 

And if everyone knew, it only made sense that a certain person Bernie had forgotten about would find out about it too.

 

In retrospect, she really should have expected the knock that comes at her door this morning.

 

She’s just brushing her hair, having slept in a bit when the knock comes at her door.

 

It must be Felix, she thinks, although usually they go for training together a little later in the morning. Well that’s all right, she’s happy to see him any time of day!

 

“Coming!” she calls out, and sets down the brush before bouncing over to the door. She pulls it wide open with a smile. “Good morning! I – eep!”

 

She reflexively pulls her hands over her mouth in shock, because standing in front of her is not the Fraldarius she was expecting. Nope, no Felix here, just Rodrigue Achille Fraldarius who is probably here to threaten to kill her if she doesn’t stop hanging around his son!!!

 

“Good morning,” Rodrigue says, with a warmth that is completely lost on Bernadetta and is instead interpreted as disdain and contempt. When she doesn’t respond, he adds, “I apologize if I’ve surprised you, but I was hoping to speak with you and wondered if you would be willing to meet with me this morning.”

 

Bernadetta slowly lowers her hands from her face and forces herself to swallow. “W-w-what would you want to talk to me about?” Play it cool Bernie, play it cool, try not to act like a freak!

 

“Well you see, I’ve heard so much about my son’s companion–” Bernadetta flushed– “from various parties around the monastery, that I was beginning to feel embarrassed to not have even made her acquaintance. Ah, it seems I’ve forgotten to introduce myself, please forgive me. Rodrique Achille Fraldarius, and Felix’s father, at your service.” He bows slightly.

 

What should she do? He obviously knows about her and Felix. He hasn’t made any threats yet – yet – but who knows what he really wants with her!  He says he just wants to talk but that sounds like a great way to trap her and kidnap her or worse! Oh, why wasn’t Felix here with her? He would be able to take control of the situation.

 

Rodrigue clears his throat. “It’s… Bernadetta, correct?” Bernie nods numbly. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance. Would you do me the honor of joining me for tea?”

 

Bernie briefly considers her options. She can either slam the door and hide under her bed, try to run past him and hide elsewhere in the monastery, or go with him and try to act like a normal person. Her body is screaming at her to run, to hide, to get out of this situation as fast as possible, but deep inside Bernie knows that if she wants to continue to stay by Felix’s side, she’ll have to face his father at some point or another. It may as well be today.

 

She takes a breath and decides to be brave. She’s gotten a lot better at being brave, after all!

 

“O-okay,” she says. “Let’s go.”

 

—-

 

“I prepared a honeyed-fruit blend for today,” Rodrigue says as he carefully pours the steaming hot tea into Bernadetta’s teacup first, and then his own.

 

Bernie blinks in surprise. “Huh? But that’s my favourite…” she mutters, more to herself than anything.

 

Rodrigue must have heard her and picked up on her surprise though, because he smiles and says, “I must confess, I did consult your professor as to your preferences before calling on you today. I hope you don’t mind.”

 

Bernie bites her lip and timidly shakes her head. To avoid having to say anything else, she picks up her teacup with both hands, willing them not to shake and spill any tea. She takes a tentative sip but flinches as she scalds her tongue, and Rodrigue chuckles from across the table. How embarrassing! So much for making a good impression.

 

She hastily replaces her teacup on its saucer and stuffs her hands in her lap, determined not to make a fool of herself any more than she already has.

 

There is a brief silence, because if Rodrigue thought Bernadetta was going to fill it with small talk, he was sorely mistaken. He seems to realize that after a moment and clears his throat.

 

“The reason I asked you here today, Bernadetta,” he says, “is because I wanted to thank you.”

 

Thank me? For what? Bernie flicks her eyes up to meet Rodrigue’s.

 

“You see, I haven’t always been the father that Felix wanted me to be. And despite my best efforts, we haven’t been able to close the gap that separates us… Because of that, I think he was quite lonely as he grew up. So that’s why I was very grateful to hear that he’s got a companion by his side now. I know he doesn’t open up easily, so I know whomever he would choose to be with must be very special indeed. Thank you, Bernadetta, for taking care of my son.” He bows his head in deference.

 

Bernadetta can feel herself blushing at all that praise. Surely she hasn’t done anything all that outstanding? But still she feels a small bubble of pride in her chest swelling up at the approval of Felix’s father. He was certainly still intimidating, but maybe not as scary as she thought. Maybe a lot nicer than she thought.

 

She sips at her now sufficiently-cooled tea to hide the small smile she can’t hold back. “I-I didn’t really do anything,” she says bashfully, still hiding behind her teacup.

 

Rodrigue smiles down at his own teacup, where he runs his thumb absently over the handle. “I believe you’ve done more than you could possibly know,” he replies. “In any case, I do hope that once all this war business is settled, I’ll have the chance to get to know you better. In fact, in better times I’d have invited you out to Fraldarius. Our territory is particularly lovely in the spring –”

 

“ What the hell is this?”

 

Bernie is abruptly snapped out of blushing at the implications of what Rodrigue just said by the arrival of one very angry Felix.

 

“Felix!” Bernadetta jumps to her feet, feeling very much like a child who’d been caught with their hand in the cookie jar. “I-I-”

 

“What are you doing here with her, old man?” Felix snarls, eyes fixed on his father. “And behind my back, no less?”

 

Rodrigue stands calmly, hands raised placatingly. “Felix, I was simply –”

 

Felix doesn’t let him finish, though. “You’ve come down from the council room to ruin the only good thing in my life, is that it? Don’t talk to her.” Felix moves protectively in front of Bernadetta. “Don’t get anywhere near her. Bernadetta, let’s go,” he says without looking at her, and storms out of the garden.

 

Bernie spends a frantic moment looking between Felix’s retreating back and Rodrigue, who runs an exasperated hand through his hair.

 

“S-Sorry,” she says, giving Rodrigue a quick bow before taking off after Felix. He simply waves a hand for her to go. “It was nice to meet you!”

 

Bernie chases after Felix through the academy courtyard, and as she catches up to him she can see the tense set of his shoulders, his hands balled into fists.

 

Oh man, she’s really done it now, hasn't she? He’s so angry! And of course he is, Bernie knows he doesn’t get along well with his father but she went along anyway without even asking him or waiting for him to come too. 

 

Is this it? Is this how she destroys the most perfect thing to ever happen in her life?

 

Her fingers begin to tremble and she wrings her hands as she nervously flits behind him. Her fear swallows her voice and she can’t even call his name; she can only stare at his back and wait for the inevitable. Hot tears begin to form in the corners of her eyes.

 

Felix only slows once they reach the balustrade overlooking the chasm separating the cathedral from the rest of the monastery. He slams his hands down onto the railing and stares down into the abyss, and Bernadetta flinches.

 

“That stupid old man,” he growls before turning to face Bernadetta for what’s sure to be the last time. “He didn’t do anything to – wait, are you crying?”

 

His eyes widen and before he can say anything else Bernadetta launches into a wobbly apology. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Felix! I didn’t mean – I didn’t think – and I made you so mad and now you probably hate me! I’m so sorry…” She covers her face with her hands, partly to hide herself and the tears spilling over her cheeks, partly so that she wouldn’t have to face Felix’s anger. 

 

Felix doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Bernie is sure this is it. He’s going to dump her and tell her he never wants to see her again, if he doesn’t decide to just throw her over the balustrade into the chasm below.

 

“Shit,” she hears him say under his breath. “This is all my fault,” he says more audibly. “Bernadetta, I – I’m not mad at you. At all. I’m sorry. It’s just, my father – I was worried about you, that’s why I reacted like that. I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I’m sorry I made you think I was mad at you.”

 

Does he sound… kind of panicked? That’s not right, usually it’s Bernie that’s the panicked one. Bernie sniffles and wipes some tears from her face before hesitantly looking up at him through her bangs. His brows are drawn together in concern, and his arms are raised slightly as though he didn’t have the courage to touch her.

 

“But I… I met with your father behind your back. I didn’t even ask you if it was okay! Of course you’d be mad! …Wouldn’t you?”

 

Felix shakes his head and places a gentle hand just above her elbow. He wipes her damp cheek with his other hand and says, “Hearing you say it out loud makes me realize what a fool I am. You don’t need my permission to talk to anyone. You’re a grown woman and you can have tea with whoever you damn well please.” He drops both his hands and looks away. “...Do you think you can forgive me?”

 

Forgive him? Bernie feels…confused. Isn’t she the one who needs to be forgiven? Felix said he isn’t mad, but… This isn’t usually the way it goes. “For what?” she says aloud.

 

Felix huffs a breath out his nose. “For being a hot-headed ass who made you think I was mad at you,” he says without looking up.

 

“Oh…” Bernie frowns, thinking. “Well, for what it’s worth I’m not mad at you either.”

 

Felix finally looks up at her, the hint of a wry smile at the corner of his mouth. “Well for what this is worth, I think you should be. But I’ll take it,” he says, as a more somber expression settles on his face. “...Can I hug you?”

 

Bernie nods, relieved, and Felix gently takes her into his arms. She rests her head on his shoulder and wraps her arms around his waist. Felix breathes a sigh, and Bernie can feel the tension leaving his body. She settles into the embrace, relaxing as well. This was far too much excitement for one morning.

 

“I’m sorry,” Felix says again. “I just… When I heard he was meeting you alone, I just saw red. He’s… He’s never just seen people for people, he’s always trying to get something out of them. It’s always about serving a dead king, or an insane prince, or chivalry or whatever, not about protecting people who need protecting. I didn’t want him to do anything to you or put some weird idea into your head. I didn’t even think.” He squeezes Bernie a little tighter. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Bernie shakes her head against his shoulder. “It’s okay,” she says. “If anyone would understand getting freaked out by your father, it would be me!” She can hear Felix breathe out the ghost of a laugh and she smiles to herself before pulling back slightly to look Felix in the eyes. “To be honest, I was a bit scared of him at first, but he was really nice to me. I think… he really cares about you, too. But next time, we’ll meet with your father together. Okay?”

 

Felix smiles back at her, one of the soft, sweet smiles that are only for her, and he slides his hands down her arms to squeeze both of her hands. “Okay,” he almost-whispers, and leans in to place a feather-soft kiss on Bernadetta’s lips, still holding her hands all the while.

 

He pulls back just enough to look her in the eyes. “I… really love you,” he says, and he kisses her again. Bernadetta kisses him back, more passionately this time, and it’s so wonderful she could almost forget there was a war on.

 

Almost.

Notes:

I cannot tell you how many times I have regretted writing this in present tense. I have so many regrets. never again.

The scene with Rodrigue was so hard for me to write lmao, which is why this chapter took so damn long to come out.

Also! You may have noticed there's a chapter count now, I'm anticipating 2 more chapters and an epilogue. Do you think I can get them out before Three Hopes comes out? Me neither! lmao

Chapter 26

Summary:

In which Felix needs some comfort.

(Mild warning for off-screen canonical character death.)

Notes:

Ah, my friends. I am back. Can we talk about Three Hopes? No spoilers in comments pls because I haven't finished the Golden Deer and Blue Lions routes yet, but damn I feel like they really did Bernie dirty in this game. They just turned her into such a gimmick instead of giving her much in the way of growth or character. The bright side is that Bernie and Marianne finally got a support conversation!!!! It was everything I dreamed of so I guess I am thankful for that haha.

Anywho, although it took ages as usual, this chapter is finally here. This chapter was hard to write because I'm much better at fluff, but I figured it needed to exist in this fic, so here it is, it exists, and I hope you enjoy it.

“Felix?” 

 

Mercedes knocks on his door, and waits. To the silence that greets her she says, “I’m just going to leave some dinner out here by your door, okay? Make sure you eat something.”

 

She makes her way back to the dining hall. To her allies seated at the long table by the door, anxiously awaiting her response, she shakes her head.

 

“He’s still not eating?” Annette says, brows drawn together in worry. “It’s been three days already…”

 

“I know, Annie,” Mercedes says, joining them at the table. “But you know how he is. We can’t make him eat, or talk to us. I’m afraid we’ll just have to wait until he’s ready, and be there when he is.”

 

“I wish there was more we could do,” Ashe says, his voice thick with regret.

 

Bernadetta fidgets anxiously with the hem of her shirt. She wishes there was more she could do, too, but…

 

When she had tried to find Felix after the last battle, after the fateful incident that both ended Felix’s father’s life and somehow returned King Dimitri to his senses, he hadn’t been in his room. He hadn’t been in the training grounds, the old knights’ hall, or any of his usual spots around the grounds.

 

When Bernadetta had finally tried his room again, it was locked tight.

 

“Felix?” she called, knocking on the door. “Are you there? I’m…” What to say? He wouldn’t want to hear that she was worried. He wouldn’t want pity. “I’m here,” is what she settled on.

 

After a silence long enough that Bernadetta was convinced he wasn’t in his room after all, she heard his voice. It was rough and haggard. How strange it was, to be on the other side of a conversation through a closed door.

 

“Bernadetta,” Felix said. “I’m sorry. I… can’t right now. I want to be alone.”

 

Bernadetta swallowed the rejection and hurt along with the lump of bile that rose in her throat. It wasn’t about her right now. It was about Felix, and if anyone could understand the desire to be alone, it was Bernie. She supposed there wasn’t really much someone like her could do for him anyway.

 

“Okay,” she replied softly. “I’ll be here when you need me, okay?”

 

She hasn’t knocked again since then. She doesn’t want to be a bother.

 

“He won’t respond to me either,” Sylvain says, leaning forward on the table. “What about you, Bernie? Any luck?”

 

She startles at the mention of her name, but quickly looks down and shakes her head.

 

Sylvain heaves a long sigh of concern for his friend. “I don’t know, I think you should try again. He might not be willing to listen to the rest of us, but I think if there’s anyone he would want to see right now, it would be his girlfriend.”

 

Bernie shifts uncomfortably. “T-Technically we’re not…” She doesn’t know what they are. They never said. He did tell her he loves her, but… She doesn’t know if that means they’re a couple. If that gives her the right to intrude on his solitude. She says, “Anyway, he didn’t want to see me.”

 

“I actually think Sylvain is right, for once,” says Dorothea, managing to keep too much irony from creeping into her voice. “Anyone with eyes in their head can see how important you are to Felix. I really think that if he would allow anyone to comfort and take care of him, it would be you.” Everyone around the table nods.

 

Bernadetta feels so inadequate. Surely if she loves someone as much as Felix, she should know how to make them feel better! But she has no idea, and she’s let down not only Felix but everyone else as well. And then she feels guilty for pitying herself when she should be trying to help Felix.

 

“I just… He said he wants to be alone,” Bernie says.

 

“It’s like Mercedes said,” Sylvain responds. “You know what he’s like. He’s probably the most stubborn guy in all of Fódlan, and he’d go to the ends of the earth for his loved ones but would never let them do the same for him. He’s proud too, but I think he’d be able to let his guard down for you.” He smirks ruefully. “You might have to make him, though. Be a little stubborn, too.”

 

Bernadetta looks around the table, at all the encouraging glances. Dedue nods his head, and Anette smiles at her.

 

“Why don’t you go give it another shot, Bern,” Dorothea says. “It’s a job only you can do.”

 

Bernie gathers her resolve and stands. “All right,” she says, determined. “I’ll do my best.”

 

She leaves, and the rest of the Lions excuse themselves shortly after.

 

“Do you think they’ll be all right?” Dorothea asks Sylvain when they’re the only two left.

 

“I think so,” Sylvain says, leaning on his elbow to look at her. “Despite being the two worst communicators I know, they possess the extremely rare quality of really, truly being in love with each other. So I think they’ll figure it out.”

 

Dorothea tilts her head. “Do you really think true love is that rare?”

 

Sylvain shrugs. “Sure,” he says. “I’ve never seen it, Felix and Bernadetta not included. Not that I ever really had a chance, though. All those girls I go round with? They don’t care about me. All they care about is my money and my crest. Not exactly the stuff of romantic fairy tales.” He takes a swig of his drink still sitting on the table. “Aren’t you pretty much the same though? Just looking for a rich husband to take care of you?”

 

Dorothea looks at him more tenderly than she has before, but curls her lip at the last comment. “Not exactly. I mean, you’re not completely wrong - after living on the streets once, I’d rather not do it again. But we’re not that different, as it turns out.” At Sylvain’s raised eyebrows, she continues. “When I was in the opera, I had no shortage of suitors. But not one of them cared to know me as a person; they just saw my pretty face and pretty voice, and some of them were honestly brutes, you know. There’s a reason we all learned self defense.” She sighs. “But anyway; my looks and my voice, I won’t have them forever. I want to find someone to love, who will love me my whole life, even when I’m old and look like a wrinkled old toad.”

 

They’re silent for a moment, searching each other’s eyes. “Oh, I’d also be okay with a rich wife to take care of me, so don’t assume,” Dorothea jokes, and it has the intended effect of making Sylvain laugh through his nose.

 

“It seems like I misunderstood you, so I’m sorry about that,” Sylvain says.

 

“Me too.” More silence, this time filled with smiles.

 

“To wrinkled old toads,” Sylvain says, lifting his nearly empty glass in a toast. Dorothea’s is empty, but she clinks it to his anyway.

 

“To wrinkled old toads,” she says.

 

Sylvain finishes the last mouthful of his drink, sets it down, and leans in toward Dorothea. “So, can I take you out for dinner some time?”

 

—

Felix listens as Mercedes’ footsteps retreat down the hallway. He’s not in much of a mood for eating, and much less of a mood for speaking to anyone.

 

Ever since… Well, since after the last battle everyone has been coddling him, trying to handle him as if he were some fragile thing made out of glass. It makes him angry, but worse than that is that Felix has the feeling that if he lets them, their worried eyes and careful voices will uncover something buried deep inside himself, something wrapped up tightly and packed away because if it was let loose, it would shatter.

 

So until this storm blows over, Felix is either in his room, or training outside the monastery walls long after everyone else has gone to sleep. Better to be alone, better to stay angry.

 

The boar has returned to some semblance of normal. Perhaps he should be happy about that, despite the cost of this new development. But for all he knows, it’s too little, too late. In any case, he’s still not the boy he grew up with. That kid died a long time ago, leaving Felix alone, just like –

 

Felix drops to the floor and starts drilling out one-handed pushups. If there’s anything he needs to be doing, it’s not moping and crying and whatever else his former classmates want him to be doing. It’s getting stronger. To make it sure he makes it through the next battle. And to make sure everyone else does too. 

 

He’s not going to get picked off like his stupid old man –

 

No. He’s not going to die, and he’s not letting anyone else get hurt either. Not Sylvain, not Ingrid, not even the boar, and definitely not Bernadetta.

 

The thought of Bernadetta sends a pang of guilt through him that pushes him to further intensify his exercise. He hasn’t seen her since… before the last battle. He’s barely spoken to her through the door, to tell her he wanted to be alone.

 

She’s probably blaming herself, or wondering if Felix even likes her anymore, and Felix feels terrible about it. But he can’t let her see him like this, because he’s sure that with one little “Are you okay?” she’d send him unraveling. And there isn’t time for that. One gentle touch from her would bring up everything he’s pushing down, and it’s just so much easier to keep pushing his body, keeping his mind occupied to keep the mountain of feelings buried deep because if they overtook him, Felix doesn’t know if he could keep from drowning in them–

 

Felix loses his balance, bowled over by his turbulent thoughts, and crashes into his desk. Old letters from years ago jolt from their unruly resting spot and slide down the back of the furniture, landing unceremoniously on the floor.

 

Not moving from where he lies on his back, Felix reaches out and grabs one. Felix Fraldarius , it’s addressed on the front, with his father’s seal on the back. All those letters Felix had ignored during his school days, and now there would never be any more. It would be pointless to open these and read them now. Maybe he should have back then. Maybe he could have squeezed a little more out of his relationship with his father before the old man had thrown it all away.

 

O-kay. That’s enough sentimental thinking for now.

 

Felix tosses the letter back on the floor, jumping to his feet and throwing on a shirt. It’s still lighter out than he’d like, but he can probably avoid seeing anyone if he takes the back way out of the dorms. Right now, he just needs to swing a sword around and clear his mind. Right now, he just needs to be out of this room. He wrenches the door open – 

 

And in tumbles Bernadetta, who had apparently been sitting in the hallway with her back against the door. She falls backward with a yelp, and for a moment both she and Felix make eye contact, Felix with his hand still on the doorknob and Bernadetta flat on the floor, both surprised to be in this situation.

 

Bernadetta scrambles to her feet and picks up a basket covered with cloth, presumably whatever food Mercedes had left behind earlier. “Um, hi,” she says.

 

“Hi,” Felix says back, releasing his hold on the door. After avoiding her for so long, he feels guilty and awkward.

 

“Can I… come in?” Bernadetta asks timidly.

 

Felix had been in a rush to get out of these four walls, but after seeing Bernadetta face to face, he can’t turn her away. “Sure,” he says, and steps aside. 

 

Bernadetta closes the door behind her and sets the basket on the desk. “I brought your dinner,” she says quietly. “Well, I guess Mercedes did, technically.”

 

The silence is so heavy. So thick. Since when had Bernadetta become so shy around him? Had she ever been this shy in the first place? Probably, but Felix could hardly remember it anymore. Being together had always felt so natural, and now they’re acting like they barely know each other. It’s Felix’s fault that they’re like this now. If only he knew how to open up to her, if only he was strong enough to just be normal and be there for her instead of pushing her away. She deserves better than a loser like him. 

 

Felix sits heavily on the bed. “I’m not really hungry,” he said.

 

Bernadetta fidgets with her fingers before trying again. “Um, but, I heard you haven’t eaten anything in three days! That’s not– you have to eat something. Just a little bit. Please.” She holds out the basket and pulls back the napkin cover.

 

What she said isn’t entirely true; he did stop by the kitchens in the middle of the night, when the hunger pangs cut through the numbness. He wasn’t so stupid to completely starve himself. But he also knows that logically, if he wants to get stronger, he should be getting better nutrition than that.

 

He knows this, but there’s a lump in his throat growing rapidly when Felix sees the concern in Bernadetta’s eyes, the tension in her shoulders, the crease between her eyebrows. She’s been worrying about him. Felix adds another layer of guilt and says “I’ll try.” He takes a bread roll out of the basket before Bernadetta’s worry can overwhelm the part of him keeping his buried feelings in check.

 

He takes a bite while Bernadetta hovers beside him, but the bread is like dry cotton in his mouth, and it’s a painful swallow past the lump in his throat.

 

He only manages one more bite before dropping his hands in his lap. He hangs his head. “I’m sorry,” he says. He’s not sure if he’s apologizing for not eating more, or for not speaking to her for the last several days. Maybe both.

 

“H-Hey, it’s okay,” she says. 

 

Felix can practically feel her trying to think of something to say in the silence that follows. He’s got nothing either, though. All he can seem to do is feel pathetic, as all the feelings he was trying to run away from moments ago encroach on all his forcefully constructed barriers.

 

“Why don’t we… do something else then,” Bernadetta says. She takes the partially eaten roll from Felix’s hand, and returns it and its basket to the desk. Bernadetta seems to spot something else on the desk though, because she says, “Oh hey, you do have a hairbrush! I knew it.” She digs through some clutter, feigning cheerfulness, before pulling out an old hairbrush which Felix had frankly forgotten about. “Can I brush your hair? It… kind of looks like it needs it.”

 

It’s true, Felix looks like crap and he knows it. Felix nods his head, and Bernadetta clambers behind him on the bed where she begins to work in silence. She removes his hair tie as gently as possible, although it’s still a bit of an effort with how matted his hair has gotten. Her cool fingers brush against his neck as she begins the process of de-tangling, a balm to all his ragged edges, and summoning forth all the parts of him that crave comfort. All the weakness. Everything he had wanted to hide from her.

 

They sit in silence, only the sound of bristles moving through hair filling the space of Felix’s room, the space which he had not allowed anyone else to enter. He should not have allowed Bernadetta to enter either, says the part of him still desperately holding on to the last of his defenses. But the rest of him just wants to turn around and hold her tightly, bury his head into her shoulder and hide away from the rest of the world.

 

Bernadetta puts down the brush and runs her fingers through Felix’s hair. “There,” she says. “All done.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Felix bites out, nearly interrupting her. “For not speaking to you.” His voice is mostly even, if a little thick, but he can’t stop the tears from spilling  out over his cheeks, onto his lap.

 

Bernadetta scrambles to sit beside him, looking up at him, but Felix won’t make eye contact. Can’t. “Hey, it’s okay,” she says soothingly. The part of him that would normally chafe at that is too weak now to resist her pity. No, not pity. Love. Care. Concern. When had Felix stopped knowing how to receive these things?

 

“I understand,” she says, and takes one of Felix’s hands. “I know what it’s like to want to be alone. But I’m sorry I didn’t check up on you sooner. ‘Cause I also know that sometimes it’s better to have someone beside you. You taught me that.” She squeezes his hand, and he squeezes back hard.

 

He feels like he should say something, do something, but he’s frozen, rendered powerless by the overwhelming emotion coming forth. There’s so much of it he can’t even put a name to it. Tears just keep streaming down his face.

 

Slowly, tentatively, Bernadetta lets go of Felix’s hand, and turns toward him to gently slide her arms around his back. He collapses into her, all his energy to fight and stay strong completely sapped. She strokes his greasy, untied hair with featherlight hands while he cries painful tears into her shoulder. He’s such a pathetic mess, but he can’t do anything except cling to Bernadetta like a boat to its tether in stormy waters.

 

They stay like that for a while; exactly how long Felix has no clue. But when they eventually pull apart, the small room is dark.

 

“Feeling any better?” Bernadetta asks softly.

 

“Uh,” Felix rasps and clears his throat. “Not really.” He feels like a wrung out rag. But he feels a bit less heavy, now that he has shared the weight with someone else.

 

Bernadetta half-laughs. “Yeah, I… guess that makes sense.” She keeps close to Felix, the contours of her face barely visible in the dying light. “It’s gotten pretty late. Do you want to sleep?”

 

“I…” Felix licks his lips. He doesn’t know what he wants, except perhaps for this whole war to have never started. “I don’t want you to go,” he says.

 

She squeezes his hand again. “I can stay, and you can sleep.” She moves to lie down, and Felix follows. “Maybe I can sleep too,” she says, when they’re facing each other on the pillow.

 

“Sounds good to me,” Felix mumbles, and wraps his arms around Bernadetta again as she snuggles into his chest. Has he already asked the goddess what he’s done to deserve her? Because by all the saints he can’t figure it out.

 

Bernadetta hums contentedly, the sound vibrating in Felix’s chest. He wishes he could keep her this close always, to keep her by his side and protect her so no harm would ever come to her.

 

“Bernadetta?”

 

“Mm?” she hums in response. They keep their voices low, as if not to disturb the darkness.

 

“Why did you come back?” Felix asks.

 

“Come back?”

 

“To Garreg Mach.”

 

“Oh, well Dorothea and I were in hiding in the Alliance and when we heard all our classmates were gathering we wanted to come here too. We were worried about everyone! And there’s strength in numbers, too.” She shifts to look up at Felix’s face. “Why do you ask?”

 

“I… Why do you fight, though? You hate fighting. No one would think badly of you if you decided to stay back and help with other stuff.” 

 

“Hmmm… You’re probably thinking I should stay at the monastery and keep out of danger, right?” Felix stiffened; he’d been caught. “Mhm, thought so.” Her playful tone turned into a sigh. “Honestly, I’d love to just hide in my room and stay safe too, but… Everyone else is out there fighting. Including you, obviously! And if something happened to anyone while I was just being a scaredy-cat… I’d always wonder if maybe I was there, maybe it would have made the difference and they’d still be alive. So until this war is finally over, I’m going to keep fighting, even though it’s terrifying.”

 

Felix’s grip on Bernadetta tightens subconsciously, as though if he just held her tighter, she could never disappear from his grasp. He swallows thickly.

 

“I just… I can’t bear to lose you too.” His voice fades into a whisper.

 

Bernadetta hugs him back. “You won’t! I promise.”

 

Felix buries his face in her hair. He knows it’s the kind of promise you can’t keep, not when it really comes down to it, but it makes him feel slightly better nonetheless. “I’ll make sure of it,” he says.

 

“Hey! You have to promise that I won’t lose you either, okay?” Her teasing tone tugs a ghost of a smile onto Felix’s face. He knows that the lightness in her voice is only a front for something more serious, but it’s a lifeline to lead him back to something more normal. A conversation he can navigate.

 

“Okay,” Felix promises. He’d never been the type to be reckless with his life, but now he had even more reason to keep living right here in his arms.

 

“Good,” Bernadetta says. “We’ll both have each other’s backs so we’ll have double the chances to stay safe!”

 

“Sounds good to me,” says Felix. He lets out a heavy breath, as though he’d been holding his breath for hours. He runs his hand up and down Bernadetta’s back. “Have I told you that I love you?”

 

She snuggles in closer. “You have, actually. And I’ve been meaning to tell you that I love you too. Very, very much.” She leans in and kisses him softly. It eases his pain, if only a little.

 

They drift into silence again, this time a much more peaceful one. Felix can feel his breathing even out and is almost asleep when Bernadetta speaks again.

 

“Oh yeah. Felix?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Are we… a couple?”

 

He squints. “What do you mean?” he says sleepily.

 

“Like… Am I your girlfriend?”

 

Oh, was that all?

 

“Yes,” he says, before he drifts back to sleep. “Please.”

Notes:

Snuck a little Sylvain/Dorothea in there 👀 Hope you didn't mind! I've been intending for them to get together in this fic from the start although idk if it showed, haha.

We are now only one chapter and an epilogue away from the end! I'll wait til then to get sappy but hoo boy, it's been a ride. I think the next chapters will be easier to write so I'm going to try to get this done before the end of the year!!

Chapter 27

Summary:

In which Felix overhears Bernie and Ferdinand's A support.

Notes:

Previously on A Tough Nut to Crack:

“Well, how about this then?" Bernadetta says. "They say that if you make a promise here, it’ll definitely come true, right? So how about, when we meet up for the millennium festival in five years, if neither of us is married, we can team up so you can save me from my father, and I can help you with paperwork, how does that sound?”

--

Felix’s body continues to act on its own, taking Bernadetta by the hand and leading her to the center of the balcony. He decides belatedly to let it happen, because he can feel at the bottom of his heart that he wants this, he really wants to take her hand in his and place his other on her hip, pulling her close as he leads them into a slow waltz.

(This chapter makes references to the night of the ball, which is in chapter 19 if you want to reread.)

---

OKAY HI OMG HERE IT IS THE LAST CHAPTER BEFORE THE EPILOGUE!!!! I said I'd finish this by the end of the year and I am determined to do so.

Merry Crimbus everyone, this chapter is my gift to you :D

Felix wakes in the morning with purple hair in his face and a warm body taking up most of the space in his tiny dorm room bed. He breathes in the scent of honey and beeswax and wraps an arm around Bernadetta, enjoying this moment of peace and warmth before starting the day.

 

He wakes up next to Bernadetta most days now, having fallen into the habit over the last few weeks. Some nights they sleep in his room, others in Bernadetta’s. It’s been a comfort and a small joy as they’ve pressed the line south, and a craving too delicious to ignore when there’s no discernable reason to do so.

 

Felix sits up in bed, studying Bernadetta’s sleeping face for a moment longer before he heads out for training. At first, he had tried to cajole her into getting up early to train with him, but after all the pouting he’d received during those attempts, he now knows better to leave her to sleep in. Best to let a sleeping bear lie, or something like that.

 

She looks so peaceful, lying there asleep ( in his bed ), that he’s content to leave her like that. They’re so close to marching on Enbarr now, so close to ending the war, that Felix hopes the day will come soon that Bernadetta will be able to live as peacefully as this every day. No, not hope; Felix will make sure that happens.

 

As he finishes dressing, he hears Bernadetta stirring from under the covers. “Mmm.. you’re heading out all ready?” she says, voice fuzzy with sleep.

 

“We’ve got a war to win,” Felix replies. “I’ve got to be at my best now more than ever.” He sits on the edge of the bed and presses a kiss to her forehead. “Care to join me at the training grounds?” he says, but he’s only teasing. He already knows the answer.

 

Bernadetta makes a (very cute) face, scrunching up her nose and pulling the covers up higher. “No way! I’m going back to sleep. Maybe you should join me… It’s nice and warm under here.”

 

Felix huffs a laugh, a gentle smile lifting the corners of his mouth. “Maybe when this war is over, then I’ll be lazy and spend the morning in bed with you. But today, there’s work to do.” He smooths down her hair one last time before heading to the door.

 

“I’m holding you to that promise!” She calls after him.

 

—

 

After spending the morning doing his own drills, and then most of the afternoon training the unit Byleth finally coaxed him into commanding, Felix makes his way to the dining hall, wiping sweat from his forehead with the towel slung around his neck. It’s only the middle of the afternoon, much too soon for dinner, but he skipped lunch and wants to keep his energy up for the rest of the day.

 

As such, he doesn’t expect to find anyone else there, with all the preparations for the battle at Enbarr keeping everyone busy. He is pleasantly surprised, then, to hear Bernadetta’s voice drifting through the window. Maybe they can spend a few minutes together while he takes a break before getting back to work.

 

His hand freezes on the door handle when he hears another voice. Ferdinand.

 

“A long time ago, my parents were in talks to arrange my marriage with a certain young lady. She never set foot outside of her room, and she made little dolls to curse her perceived enemies. Such were the rumors. Frightened, I dissuaded my parents from going through with their plans.”

 

Wait. Why is Felix freezing? There’s no reason he shouldn’t enter. He moves again to open the door –

 

“That girl was you, Bernadetta. A daughter of House Varley.” The sound of Ferdinand clearing his throat makes its way to Felix’s paralyzed ears. “Anyway, if I had actually known you, I would have accepted the proposal.”

 

Felix’s fingers slip from the door and his thoughts tune out Bernadetta’s response.

 

Marriage. Ferdinand was talking to Bernadetta about marriage. With her.

 

Not that he had proposed, of course, but still. The implication was there, that Ferdinand considers her worthy of marrying.

 

Which she is, of course! Obviously.

 

And yet… somehow the thought of marriage, of actually marrying someone, of marrying Bernadetta has never crossed Felix’s mind.

 

It’s not like he had imagined them breaking up, either… It’s more like with the ever present threat of war, Felix has found himself being very, well, present. There was no time to dream of plans for when it was over (beyond “let’s go traveling” or “let’s lie in bed all morning” ), because until recently, it had seemed like it would never be over. Felix has only been thinking about staying alive, and making sure his friends do too.

 

But of course after the war ends Bernadetta will marry someone. Who wouldn’t want to marry her? She’s – Well, she’s –

 

Felix is terrible with words, and he knows this. But Bernadetta is… perfect. She is lovely. She is… everything. She’s the kind of girl who can make a thick-headed, surly guy like him try to think of nice words to describe how amazing she is.

 

And now that Felix stops to think about the rest of his life, it becomes painfully obvious how much he wants to spend the rest of it with Bernadetta. And it’s even more painfully obvious that he should have taken action a long time ago to make sure that happens.

 

“Whoa, Felix! Hey! Is everything okay?” It’s Sylvain.

 

Felix stops and blinks, realizing for the first time how far his feet have carried him while he was preoccupied with his thoughts. “Hm? What? Everything’s about as okay as you could expect right before such a huge march.” Felix frowns. “Why, did something happen?”

 

Sylvain crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. “What happened is that you nearly bowled over Marianne just now and didn’t even notice. Seriously, is something wrong?”

 

“Wrong? Oh… no.” Felix supposes that he had been somewhat lost in thought, but nothing was wrong. “Ferdinand just proposed to Bernadetta,” he says, as an explanation. Well, it isn’t strictly true, but the whole situation is too complicated to explain to Sylvain.

 

Sylvain jerks back and gasps in a rather dramatic fashion, and Felix rolls his eyes. It’s not like Bernadetta has said yes or something. 

 

“Wait - Felix!” Sylvain grabs his shoulders and Felix’s scowl deepens. “You’re not going to challenge him to a duel and kill him or something, are you? I know you’re mad, but–”

 

Felix shrugs him off. “Don’t be ridiculous, he’s one of our best generals,” he says. “And I’m not mad. I have something important to do, so get out of my way.”

 

He pushes past Sylvain who continues to splutter, and heads off in the direction of town.

 

—

 

The atmosphere in the dining hall that evening is festive, bordering on boisterous. Morale is high, and with the prospect of ending the war only a few days away, the soldiers are full of energy, their tension masked by optimism.

 

The atmosphere at Bernie’s table in a relatively quieter area of the hall is… somewhat different. She’s sitting next to Sylvain and across from Felix, and something feels… a little strange. She’s not jumping to conclusions just yet, but instead of his usual chattering, Sylvain seems to be studying Felix suspiciously, and for his part Felix keeps staring at Bernadetta and then looking away when she catches his eye.

 

“Is… everything okay with you two?” she asks. “You guys are acting kinda weird.”

 

Felix nearly chokes on his food and reaches for his pocket as he recovers, coughing. This seems to mean something to Sylvain because he squints at Felix’s hand before settling his features into a smirk. Definitely weird behaviour from them both.

 

“Nope, I think we’re all good,” Sylvain replies as Felix continues to clear his throat. “Well, except for Felix trying to inhale his dinner over there. You good buddy?”

 

Felix glares daggers at him. “Shut up,” he says, and Sylvain laughs.

 

“Yup, that’s our Felix. If he started smiling, then I’d know for sure he wasn’t feeling well.”

 

Felix rolls his eyes and continues eating. Bernadetta smiles nervously; things seem back to normal, but that was still… a little weird, right?

 

After dinner, Felix and Bernadetta exit the dining hall as the soldiers behind them start the first round of drinking songs. He takes her hand as they wander into the cool night air, threading his fingers between hers.

 

Once the sound of reveling soldiers fades into only the occasional exclamation that carries through the grounds, Felix turns to Bernadetta. “Will you… come with me somewhere?” he asks.

 

“Sure,” Bernie agrees readily. It’s not unusual for them to take a stroll or have a little alone time after dinner. “Where are we going?” she asks as Felix starts to lead her, hands still joined.

 

“I was thinking we could go to the Goddess Tower,” he says without looking at her.

 

Hm, it had been a while since Bernie had been there. It wasn’t exactly off limits, but it still held that kind of feeling for Bernadetta from when they were students; like she’d be told off if she went in there. The last time she’d gone there must have been before the war, all the way back to the night of the ball. Well, that would be nice and romantic, coming back to a nostalgic spot like that.

 

“Sounds good to me!” she says cheerfully, and squeezes Felix’s hand. Glancing upwards, she can see that it’s a clear night. “It’ll be a good night for stargazing too, I think.”

 

“...Yeah.” Felix is being a bit taciturn this evening, but Bernie has long since learned that it’s not about her when he gets like this. Maybe he’s just anxious about the upcoming battle, and spending some quality time with Bernadetta will help him relax a little. Bernie smiles to herself. That's definitely something she can help with!

 

Once they reach the tower, they climb the stairs and come out onto the balcony, where they had shared a dance together, so many years ago.

 

Bernadetta drops Felix’s hand momentarily so she can skip out to the balcony railing. “Haa… What a beautiful night. It’s just like that night we met here on the night of the ball, do you remember?” She turns back to face Felix.

 

“I remember. That’s actually… agh, this is so embarrassing to say,” Felix says, shoving his hands in his pockets. “But that’s actually the night I realized I was completely in love with you.”

 

Bernadetta gasps. “Wait. Really?!” She shrieks, bringing her hands to her cheeks in embarrassment. “All the way back then?” She can’t believe this! She knew she was hopelessly in love back then, and was practically floating on air after they danced together, but she had never suspected Felix had felt the same way all the way back then!

 

“Yeah, I…” Felix scratches his head; a habit he’s kept through all these years. “Like I said, it’s kinda embarrassing to say.”

 

“What? But I’m so happy you told me,” Bernie smiles, barely able to hold back happy laughter. “I just – back then, I had no idea you felt that way, but I had a huge crush on you. I think I would have freaked out if you had told me back then.” She giggles again. “But in a good way.”

 

Felix sighs, a long, put-upon sigh and joins her at the railing. “Well, if I’m telling you all my embarrassing secrets tonight anyway… I was also going to try to kiss you that night. When we were dancing together.”

 

Bernie blinks, her eyes going wide, and turns to face Felix head on before completely hiding her face in her hands. “Eep!” she squeals, just imagining what that would have been like back then completely setting her nerves alight. “Oh my goodness! I think I would have melted. Out of pure happiness.” Felix pulls her in to his shoulder as she rambles, face still in her hands. “Little Bernie back then had no idea you were going to do that!” She pulls back and finally lifts her face to look him in the eye. “So why didn’t you?”

 

Felix is smiling. “We finished dancing, and I lost my nerve. But hopefully I can make it up to you,” he says, and leans in to kiss her lips. Bernie smiles into it, and wraps her arms around his waist. Yes, she is absolutely, somehow, the most luckiest girl in all of Fódlan.

 

After a few gentle, sweet kisses, Felix pulls back. “What do you think, does that make up for it?”

 

“Hmm…” Bernie hums, cocking her head teasingly. “I don’t know, I think I might need a few more hundred or thousand kisses to really pay me back for it. But I’ll let you pay in instalments.”

 

Felix breathes a laugh through his nose and drops his head to her shoulder before stepping back, keeping his hands on her arms.

 

“Actually… I’m glad you remember that night. Because there’s something else that I… ah, goddess, why is this so hard.” He drops his hands and Bernadetta looks at him quizzically. “Do you remember the promise we made that night?”

 

“Yes, I do,” Bernie says. Admittedly, she had daydreamed about that promise often when she and Dorothea were barely scraping by during those years in Alliance territory. That one day, she would meet Felix again, he would be alive, and single, and they would keep their promise to marry each other if they hadn’t already, and live happily ever after. She hadn’t thought about it quite as much after reuniting with him in person.

 

She does feel a little surprised that Felix remembers, though. But then again, maybe she shouldn’t.

 

“I guess things didn’t really turn out like we thought, huh? It’s been more than five years already, and a whole war has been going on in the meantime,” Bernie says.

 

“Right, so,” Felix begins, getting more flustered as he continues, “I’m bringing it up because, or rather, I was reminded … Or, no. I wanted to keep that promise, but not just because it just turned out that way or something, and you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but we’re here and I was thinking that –” Felix closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Bernadetta stares at him, not daring to guess what he’s going to say next.

 

Instead of saying anything, Felix reaches into his pocket and shoves it out to her. It’s a box. No wait, a ring-? A ring?! A RING????

 

If it’s possible, Bernie’s eyes go even wider. 

 

“Oh, shit, right,” Felix says, and lowers himself onto one knee. “I…” He takes a breath, looks her in the eye. “Bernadetta, will you marry me?”

 

Time seems to freeze; what did he just say? Tears begin to well unbidden in her eyes, and Bernie is shaken from her stupor by the sensation of those tears slipping from her eyes and down her cheeks. She hurriedly wipes her face and Felix’s outstretched arm falters.

 

“Are you…crying?” he asks.

 

“Sorry!” Bernie sniffles. She didn’t mean to cry! Poor Felix probably feels terrible now. Oh Bernie, you’ve managed to be proposed to only to screw it all up! “ I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Oh, that was so sweet and now I’m ruining it. Hold on, give me a second.” She takes a deep, shuddering breath, only for her voice to crack again when she begins to speak. “I… would be so happy to marry you! But are you sure? You really want to marry me? I’m sure there are lots of other girls out there who would make much better wives than me!”

 

“Bernadetta.” Felix stands slowly. “I don’t want to marry any other girl. You’re the only one I want to spend my life with. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I love you more than I know how to say. You’re the only person I can just be myself around and never get tired of being with you, and you make me want to be a better man. You’re the only person I would not only fight a thousand battles for, but also spend thousands of hours at a desk doing paperwork.” 

 

The anxious little voice in her brain is telling Bernie that can’t possibly be true. But looking in his eyes, she can’t find the lie. She’s never doubted him before, and isn’t going to start now. 

 

“So. Please?”

 

He lifts the ring box again, and Bernadetta looks at it properly. It’s a simple gold band, with a single small gem in the center. It’s more than she deserves, and she wants it so badly.

 

Still crying, she nods her head, and Felix slides the ring onto her finger.

 

She crashes into Felix and throws her arms around him, squeezing tightly as her body is wracked with sobs. She doesn’t even know why! It’s so silly, really. She’s so happy, or at least she knows she will be happy, but right now her mind almost feels blank and all it knows how to do is cry.

 

Felix hugs her back and strokes her hair. He’s always been so good to her and now, one day he’ll be her husband. He’ll always be there for her like this, always, always, always.

 

Bernadetta’s breathing begins to slow down and even out, and she lets go of Felix to wipe the last few tears from her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry I made such a mess of your proposal,” she says, voice still a little shaky. “It was so nice.”

 

Felix just smiles and takes her hand, the newly bejeweled one. “My proposal was a bit of a mess too, if we’re being honest about it,” he says. “But you did say yes, so I’d say it could have gone worse.”

 

Bernie smiles too, and hugs Felix again, trying to send all the warmth and love she feels for him through his arms and into his body. “Yes, I will marry you!” she says, and to say it out loud has her feeling giddy. “Yes, yes, yes!!”

 

When Bernie calms down a little more, they share a dance for old times’ sake before heading back to the dorms to climb into bed together, as they would do now for the rest of their lives.

Notes:

Ferdinand, my boy. Thank you for always being the third wheel in this fic. You never stood a chance, but you did try. Well done.

I can't believe there's only the epilogue left after this!! It feels like I've been writing this fic forever hahaha, but in reality I was not writing and that's why it has taken this long lmaoooo

That's the nature of fic though, and in any case I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I imagined this one long, long ago, and originally I had planned for Felix to feel threatened by Ferdinand, but at this point in their relationship I just don't think that really makes sense. So instead he's like "wait wtf I need to propose immediately" and that's that.

Okay! One chapter left, that I am going to do my utmost to write by next week. See you soon, happy holidays and stay safe!

Chapter 28

Summary:

In which they live happily ever after.

Notes:

OKAY HERE WE GO GUYS GALS & PALS!! Enjoy one last chapter!!!

Bernie throws another log on the fire. It’s only autumn, but autumns in Faerghus are much colder than the ones she used to know in the Empire.

 

Outside, the sun is already beginning to set on the Fraldarius estate, the golden light setting the changing leaves aglow and casting long shadows of the pines. She can’t see the road from her and Felix’s bedroom window, but she scans the horizon for any sign of movement anyway; Felix is supposed to return from Fhirdiad today but so far there’s been no sign of him or his traveling party. 

 

She knows she shouldn’t worry, that the roads are much safer than they used to be, and anyway Felix can certainly take care of himself, but still! It’s going to be dark soon, and what if something takes them by surprise in the dark? 

 

Oh, she does hate it when Felix has to travel. Not only because she worries, but because she misses him. Their bed is much colder without him in it. And while she does enjoy her solitude, going for weeks or months at a time without hugs and kisses gets to be a bit lonely, even for Bernadetta. She wishes he didn’t have to spend so much time in Fhirdiad so he could spend more time with her, but she knows that’s rather selfish. King Dimitri needs Felix; and by extension, so does all of Fódlan.

 

With a sigh, Bernie returns to her armchair and knitting project. There’s no sense fretting by a window that doesn’t even have a view of the road. Felix will arrive when he arrives, and Bernadetta has faith that he will do so safely. Or at least that’s what she tells the anxious voice in the back of her head.

 

She only gets through a few rows of the scarf she’s knitting for Felix before an urgent knocking comes at the door.

 

“My Lady!” It’s the head maid. Bernie’s pulse picks up; this will either be excellent news, or terrible news. “Lord Felix has returned! His party is just coming up the drive now.”

 

“He’s here!” Bernie springs to her feet, knitting thrown to the side, forgotten. She hastily grabs her warmest shawl and rushes out of the room, barreling past the maid. “Thank you!” she calls behind her.

 

She takes the grand staircase two at a time as the steward rushes to get the door open for her in time. Felix is home! Her husband is home. She absolutely cannot keep the smile off her face.

 

Bernie dashes down the front step just as Felix dismounts his horse. He turns around just in time to see her launching a big bear hug in his direction, and he catches her in his arms, twirling her in a circle with her momentum before putting her down and squeezing her properly.

 

“Welcome home!” Bernie says, squeezing back.

 

“It’s good to be off that damned horse,” Felix says, but as he pulls back Bernie can see that he’s smiling. To anyone else, it might look like a small smile, but Bernie knows it’s as big and meaningful as the big beaming smile on her own face.

 

“Hey! Is that any way to treat the welcoming party that ran out into freezing temperatures to greet you?” Bernie teases.

 

Felix laughs, one of his little “hmphs”. “It’s really not that cold yet,” he teases back.

 

“That’s what you always say!” Bernie scolds playfully, and Felix only smiles in response.

 

“Anyway, yes, much better than being off the horse is seeing my beautiful wife,” he says. “But even better than seeing her would be to kiss her.”

 

As promised, he leans in to kiss her, arms still wrapped around each other. They stay that way for maybe longer than is appropriate in front of the servants, but they haven’t seen each other in weeks, after all. Bernie thinks they’re allowed a little kissing in public.

 

Once they break apart, Felix says, “Why don’t you head inside while I take my horse to the stables? I know you’re cold. I’ll meet you there.”

 

A young, red-faced stableboy clears his throat. Most of the other servants have started clearing off already. “Excuse me, m’lord,” he says. “But I can take your horse. You’ve had a long ride, after all.”

 

He seems to be blushing after Felix and Bernadetta’s display, and is resolutely staring straight ahead. Bernie can’t help but smile a little; sometimes the new hires are surprised to see Felix can be such a softie, and this young one seems quite embarrassed. She appreciates the offer though; Felix usually doesn’t like to trouble the servants for anything he can do himself.

 

“Thank you,” she says before Felix can refuse. “Come in with me, Felix. Your horse has gotten to spend hours and hours with you; now come in and spend time with me instead.” 

 

She takes Felix’s arm and he rolls his eyes fondly. “All right, all right. Let’s go in.” He kisses her hair as they climb the steps.

 

They return to the bedroom, now feeling pleasantly warm from the fire still burning in the grate. Felix settles into the armchair, and Bernadetta into his lap.

 

She kisses his lips, soft and gentle. “I missed you,” she says.

 

“Me too,” Felix replies, before kissing her again, deeper this time. Bernadetta hums contentedly.

 

“At least once winter’s here you won’t have to go anywhere while the roads are covered in snow,” she says. Felix doesn’t make eye contact while he plays with her hair. “...Right?”

 

“Uh… about that,” Felix starts. “Let’s talk about that later. I just got back home.”

 

Bernie sits up, at full attention now. “What? No! Of course not! Now I’m just going to be worrying about whatever it is you don’t want to tell me. Do you have to go back? Did something bad happen?”

 

Felix sighs. “Nothing worse than the usual state of affairs, but there is a lot going on and Dimitri wants me in Fhirdiad over the winter.” He looks over at Bernie to see her reaction. “The whole winter.”

 

Bernie is crestfallen. Just when her husband gets home, she finds out he’ll be away for months at a time? They haven’t been apart that long since the beginning of the war!

 

Felix sees her disappointment and quickly continues. “But I was thinking… maybe… this year you could come with me?” He kisses her hand. “I know you don’t like the idea, but… I’d really appreciate having you there.”

 

It’s true. Every year prior, Bernie had declined to join Felix on trips to Fhirdiad, for several reasons. First of all, it’s even colder there than Fraldarius, which shouldn’t even be possible but somehow still is. Secondly, she’d have to stay in a castle she doesn’t know, full of people she doesn’t know, and probably lots of social functions she’d be expected to go to! Not to mention someone would need to take care of all her plants back home while she was away.

 

“I know…” Bernie says. Obviously, she wants to be with her husband as much as possible too, “But…”

 

“What if I told you that Sylvain and Dorothea are also going to be there all winter too?”

 

Bernie perks up again. “Wait, really?” she says. “That would be – that sounds like it might be fun!” While they write each other as much as possible, it’s frankly been months since Bernie’s seen Dorothea in person. Sylvain she sees a little more often, but still not as much as she used to. Spending a whole winter with her best friends and Felix? “I think… I think I could go if they’ll also be there!”

“Geez, it sounds like they’re the only reason you want to go, nevermind your poor husband working himself to the bone out there by himself,” Felix complains, but Bernie can tell he’s not really mad.

 

“Now, now,” she soothes, petting his hair. “I want to be with you too. But you have to admit, you’re usually in meetings all day, leaving Bernie to fend for herself! It’ll be a lot more fun with some friends around to hang out with.”

 

Felix gives a mock-exasperated sigh. “If you say so. Well, either way, I’ll be glad to have you with me.”

 

“When do we leave?”

 

“We’ll have to leave by the end of next month if we want to beat the snow,” Felix says. “Now, if that’s enough to stop your worrying, I have other, more interesting things I’d like to talk about.”

 

Bernie raises an eyebrow. “Like what?”

 

Felix tils his face to Bernie’s so their noses touch. “Well, how much I’d like to kiss you, first of all,” he says, lowering his voice. He kisses her, once, twice, three times.

 

Bernie giggles softly. “Really?” she says between kisses. “How much?”

 

It’s several kisses later when Felix finally pulls away again to answer. “ Very much.”

 

They don’t do much talking for the rest of that night.

 

Notes:

Hooooooooo boy. I said I'd finish this by the end of the year, and I stick to my promises!! I can't believe this fic is finally done after nearly three years.

I can't believe I wrote this many words! When I started this fic, I had only just gotten into fanfiction at all and hadn't done any creative writing for more than five years, and then from nothing created this behemoth. If I've learned anything, it's that if I ever write another multi-chapter fic, it will have a goddamn outline before I begin.

If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading, and for your kudos and comments. The comments have always been what motivated me to keep going and see this to its end. I hope you enjoyed your time reading A Tough Nut to Crack, despite it being a mostly somewhat-average, self-indulgent, disorganized mess. Despite all that, I still think it was a lot of fun :)

I do have more head canons and AUs than I know what to do with, so I might be back, but I will make no promises on when.

In the meantime, thanks one last time, and happy new year!!!

EDIT 2025: Hello friends if you are reading this, I have a new Felibern fic! It's a modern office AU and it's lots of fun, check it out :)