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"Hey James?"
"Yeah?"
"You know how we were talking about things we want to do before we get married?" Lily asked.
James looked up at her since this wasn't going to be a 'do you have a quill' sort of exchange. Or, rather, 'do you really want roses at the wedding' since they were still planning it. They didn't have the time constraints that muggle weddings had, where you had to order things months in advance-- according to Lily, at least, it’s not like James had any idea. Their wedding was a little less than a month from now, and they were still deciding on flower arrangements and the menu. "Yeah."
"So don't get mad, right?"
He blinked. "That's not very comforting, Lils."
"I'm just saying that I don't want for you to think that this is a deeper problem or that I'm not happy with you or summat."
"Okay," he agreed slowly.
"I want to have a threesome," she blurted. "With another man. Me, you, and another bloke." She stared at him, and he stared back, neither of them talking.
James's mind worked in whirs and halting clicks, like it couldn't spend too long thinking about it or his brain would fall out of his head-- which wouldn't surprise him if it happened, to be honest. A threesome? Like them and also another man? How the hell would that work? He didn't even like men. And why did Lily want that? He wasn't angry about it, and he wasn't worried about her not loving him enough like she'd reassured. He just didn't see the appeal, and he couldn't get his tongue to unstick from the roof of his mouth to assure her that he wasn't panicking; he just didn’t get it. He could see her starting to freak out over it, but his mouth was really not cooperating.
"I love you. Really James, I do, this has nothing to do with that. I think it would be fun and really hot, but I only want to do it if you do too. If it helps, you can pick the other man. If that's- you know, a deal breaker or something."
"Yeah," James managed to say, blinking at her. He cleared his throat. "I mean-. I don't-. Lily, I don't fancy men. I don't know how any of that would work."
"We could figure it out. If you agreed, that is. We don't need to think about the logistics unless you say yes, otherwise it would be a waste of time. And you can think about it," she hurried to reassure him. "I don't need an answer right now. We've got time."
"I'll... yeah, I'll think about it."
She still looked nervous, so he shot her a smile that he hoped was comforting.
And he did think about it. Saying it almost sounded like a brush off, but he meant it when he said that he would think about it, and he stuck to that. Lily wanted to have sex with James and also another man at the same time. Since Lily had said that it didn't change how she felt about him and he believed that, the biggest problem was the fact that James was straight. Would he really be comfortable being naked and turned on while there was another bloke around? (Being a teenager did not count; it had been an awkward time for all of them during Hogwarts.) The answer to that question was, generally, no. Lily had said that she didn't want to do it unless James wanted to as well, but he didn't think a threesome with Lily and another woman would really be better for him.
Did he want Lily to be happy? Absolutely. Did he think he'd be so uncomfortable during a threesome that he wouldn't be able to do anything? Not really. So long as he focused on Lily and made sure they were all on the same page, he should be fine. Tell the other bloke that he was straight, and they should be good. Then, of course, the issue was who the hell the other man would be. Lily had said that he could pick if it would make it easier, but he didn't know how he felt about that. Picking would make him feel like he had a little more control of the situation, but he knew that Lily would pick someone good if it was up to her. Their friends were pretty great, and he figured that she would pick one of them instead of a stranger. How could she explain that to a total stranger, anyways? 'Please have a threesome with me and my straight fiance?' He didn't think that would come across too well.
Going from there, though, was the fact that James was generally a jealous person. He trusted Lily, there was no doubt about that, but he didn't like the way other men looked at her. Staring at her chest was bad enough, and it would be so much worse if they were allowed to touch . Not that he thought any of their friends stared at her under usual circumstances, but these wouldn't be usual circumstances. They were going to be having sex, and James was going to see it all. How did he deal with that?
The answer, when it came, was like a match being struck. It was so obvious. He needed someone he trusted, implicitly. Sirius. Of course. Who better than Sirius? There was no one on the planet that he trusted more, and he hadn't once gotten jealous of Lily and Sirius spending time together-- excepting one time in seventh year, but he'd been jealous for Sirius back then and not Lily because he hadn't wanted for his girlfriend to steal his best mate, so it didn't really count.
He was with Sirius when the answer came to him, but he had to check with Lily before asking him. Not that he thought Lily would have a problem with it, mind, but there was no point in asking Sirius if she hadn't said yes first.
"You want to get dinner?" Sirius asked when they were getting ready to leave work.
"Nah, I've got plans with Lily."
"Oh."
James looked up at him. He looked put out. "You okay?"
Sirius gave a shrug that didn't look very careless.
"What's up?"
"I dunno. Just that you're getting married soon. I hardly ever see you. You're going to move out when that happens, but it feels like you've already got one foot out the door."
"It's wedding talk," James said with a smile. He threw an arm around Sirius's shoulders as they started to walk. "I promise it'll clear up soon."
"Yeah? Lily going to get mad at you for promising that?"
"'Course not. Lest you forget Padfoot, Lily loves you too."
"Oh yeah? So you two will be inviting me over for tea while you're in wedded bliss?"
James rolled his eyes. "There's no such thing as bliss if you're not around."
"I think your idea of marriage is a bit off," Sirius said.
"Maybe you are the one who doesn't know what marriage is."
Sirius snorted. "Let's think about my parents for a moment, and then you'll understand why that is. Besides, my longest relationship has been- what, a month? All I'm doing is guessing about marriage shite. Aren't you glad I'm your best man?"
“Always,” James said.
"I was thinking about what you said."
"I'm going to assume that's a good thing," Lily said. "What did I say that you were thinking about?"
"The threesome thing."
Lily straightened. It’s not that she hadn’t been paying attention to him before, but now she was definitely listening to him. "And?"
"I'd be willing... as long as the other bloke is Sirius."
"Did he agree?" she asked.
"I figured I should talk to you first. No point in explaining it all to him if you said no, right?"
Lily nodded. "That makes sense. I'm good with Sirius, and I suppose I should've expected it."
"What do you mean?"
"That you'd pick Sirius," she said. "He's your best mate. You trust him more than anyone. If there's anyone that you'd be comfortable doing this with, it would be him."
"Oh. And you're fine with it being him? You don't mind, or are disappointed or anything?"
Lily snickered. "No. Why would I mind? And disappointed? You know what Sirius looks like, right?"
"I guess he's handsome," James said with a shrug.
"James, I want you to know that I am saying this as someone that is very much in love with you, and very attracted to you, and loves having sex with you: Sirius is really buggering hot. He’s like, the fittest person I know. I can understand why you don't see it since you don't like men, but he is easily the most handsome man I have seen in real life."
James rolled his eyes. "For Merlin's sake, Lily, yes, I know that Sirius is gorgeous. I guess I just didn't realise how much it meant to you," he teased.
"Mmm, he's nice," she said, putting on a dreamy expression. "Maybe I'll trade, and marry him instead."
"Good luck getting him to agree to that," James chuckled, thinking about the many times that Sirius had said that he didn’t think marriage was for him.
They finished eating, lounged about for a bit, and Lily said, "You should go home and ask. Get some rest, and give him time to think about it."
"Yeah," James agreed, giving her a quick kiss before going to the floo. "See you tomorrow?"
"I'm going to be pretty tired; I've got a lot to do. Day after?"
"Sure." He tossed some floo powder in the grate, then stepped through.
Sirius looked up in surprise. "You're home."
"Yeah, that tends to happen when you live somewhere."
"For normal people, maybe. Any time you have dinner with Lily, you tend to stay the night there and the next time I see you is at work." If they didn't work together, they probably wouldn't have seen each other for the past two months. Okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, but they used to be together all the time. Sirius was still adjusting to James having a part of his life that Sirius wasn't also a part of. Not to say that Lily blocked him out or summat. According to Remus, Lily had gone out of her way to include Sirius in a way no other girlfriend would have. (Remus had then gone on to say that Lily was therefore the only woman that James could have ended up with.)
"Well, like I said, that's not permanent. Did you know how much planning weddings take?"
"No, but I'm sure it doesn't help that you and Lily keep changing your minds." Sirius, as best man, had been up close and personal with some of the changes that they'd made. He'd drawn the line when they wanted to change the robe styles for the third time, but otherwise, he'd let them do whatever they wanted; it was their wedding, after all, and if changing the menu and flowers and colours twenty times made them happy, then more power to them.
"Probably not," James admitted. Maybe it would be easier if they were muggles and had to cement their ideas months in advance instead of knowing that they could change it any time they wanted. "But I did want to talk to you about something."
"Go for it."
"Would you be willing to have a threesome with me and Lily?"
Sirius's eyes went wide. "What?"
"A threesome. Ménage à trois. You, me, and Lily having sex."
"Yeah, I know what a threesome is, thanks." Sirius leaned back heavily. "Really? You and Lily want me for that?"
"Why not you?"
"Well, last time I checked, you're straight. Shouldn't you want a woman for this?"
James shrugged. "That's part of the reason it has to be you. Lily said she wants a man, and I know that you'll understand if I don't want to do a lot of shite with you."
"Right," Sirius said, a touch blankly. "Erm. Sure. I mean, if you're fine with it."
"Really? You don't need to think about it?"
"I thought about it, but there wasn't much to consider. So long as you and Lily are both cool with it, I don't see why I'd need time to think about it."
"Thanks," James breathed, looking relieved. "I mean, I don't really know how any of this is supposed to work, but Lily said we'd talk about it before anything happens, y'know?"
"Yeah. Makes sense." Sirius had been a part of a threesome once, but it'd been two guys who'd already talked it out and proposed the idea to Sirius as a laid out plan. Being a part of the discussion this time was going to be really sodding weird.
"Really, thanks mate. I wasn't too sure about it, but Lily wanted it, and with you, I know I can trust you and- just. Thanks."
"Yes, perfectly selfless of me to agree to this," Sirius said with a smirk.
Sirius laid in bed, covering his face with his hands. He was such a buggering idiot. The biggest idiot he knew. What the hell had he been thinking? James asked if he would have sex with him and his fiance, and Sirius had said yes. Like a berk. This was going to be such a mistake, and he knew that from the moment he agreed.
But when James had asked him, all he could think was that it was his only chance. He'd been in love with James for as long as he could remember, and James was about to get married. He was officially going to be unavailable for the rest of his life. Sure he was engaged right now, and him and Lily had been together for a couple years now, but a wedding made it seem unbreakable. James wasn't going to change his mind or realise that he loved Sirius, and Lily sure as hell wasn't going to decide not to marry James-- because he was the most amazing bloke in the entire country, so there was no reason for her to decide that she could do better. No strings attached sex with him and Lily was the only chance he would get to touch James, to kiss him, to be with him the way he'd always wanted.
And then James had reminded Sirius of the one thing that always made his stomach sink: he was straight.
Sirius had gotten his hopes up. James had asked, and he thought that maybe it meant something. He wasn't sure what it would mean if James did find him attractive though, because he would still love Lily and still want to marry her. Merlin, why did he do this to himself? James had zero interest in him. He asked Sirius because they were best mates. That's it. James had asked for Sirius to take part in a threesome, and he didn't even want to be touched. Not by Sirius, at least. For fuck's sake, this was going to be one of the most awkward things he ever took part in. Not that having sex with Lily would be such a hardship. She was bloody beautiful, but Sirius had never really thought about it before, since James had fancied her for ages. As the object of his best mate's affections, Lily had been thoroughly off limits to Sirius's wandering eye at Hogwarts.
Lily was beautiful, James was the sodding love of his life, and Sirius was supposed to figure out how to take part in that without giving himself away entirely.
Be in the moment, he told himself. If he didn't let his mind wander, then he'd be fine. If he got stuck in his head, he'd ruin everything, and he knew it. If he slipped up and said something to James, something he'd kept tucked behind his lips from the moment he'd first thought it, he'd lose both of them-- not to mention he'd get uninvited from the wedding in a very rude manner.
"Hey Sirius," Lily said with her usual smile and hug. It felt normal, despite the fact that he was here so they could talk about the sex they were planning to have. "So. Dreading this conversation? It's sure to be awkward."
Sirius snorted, kicking off his shoes. He didn't line them up like James preferred, but he took them off even though he didn't like to do that, and Lily knew how to see compromise when it was right in front of her. It was going to be weird, but she felt like she was going to be the odd one out in this conversation. James loved her; she knew that. She also knew that James and Sirius had a relationship that she couldn't reach. It had been the truth when she told James that she wasn't surprised that Sirius was who he picked. If she'd been thinking about it in the beginning, she would've recommended Sirius instead of saying he could pick someone, but she'd been so nervous to broach the topic that she hadn't thought of the specifics. Like, for example, how they were supposed to have a threesome when James didn't like men. Getting James to agree had been the most important part, and everything else could be figured out later. Unfortunately, that later was right now, and she still had no idea. "James here?" he asked as they walked into the kitchen. It was the only room in her flat that had a table, and having the table as a barrier would make it easier to discuss the details openly. At least, that was what she was hoping.
"No, he was freaking out a little, so he went to grab takeaway."
Sirius nodded, and she expected that they would spend their time in relative quiet until James returned. That isn't what happened. "Do you mind if I ask why? Why a threesome?"
Lily shrugged as she sat down. "I dunno. It's just something I always wanted to try, and I figured it was now or never, you know?"
Sirius nodded even though, no, he didn't know. "I know that we're waiting for James to get here before we start really figuring everything out, but do you have any idea how this is supposed to work? James already told me that he doesn't want for anything to happen between me and him."
"Honestly? I have no bloody idea."
Sirius made a noise like he'd expected that. "The last threesome that I was a part of was with two men, so we didn't have this problem."
"You've had a threesome before?" Lily asked.
"Yeah, a few months back." It had been around the time that they'd gotten engaged, but he wasn't about to admit that.
"Who were they?"
"I don't remember."
Lily stared at him.
"I was pretty drunk."
"That doesn't make me feel better," she said.
Sirius shrugged. "They were muggles; it's not like I was going to get hurt."
Lily stared at him for another moment then shook her head. "You worry me. How've you been, anyways? I feel like I've hardly ever seen you since the past few months."
"Probably because you haven't," Sirius said with a crooked grin, and she didn't have to filter out the part where she thought it made him look handsome. She was allowed to think that right now. "I've heard that married couples only hang out with other married couples. Is that true?"
"For other people, maybe."
"Not you?"
"I doubt there is anything on this planet that could keep us from hanging out with you, Sirius."
"Am I that transparent?"
"You're allowed to want to keep ahold of your best friend."
"And you," Sirius added, and Lily's smile widened.
"I'm flattered to be considered a part of that."
"I don't see how you ever thought you wouldn't be," he said with a snort. "This might surprise you, Lily, but I don't make a habit of shagging my mate's girlfriends. Or fiancee, in this case."
"I think if you did make a habit of that, you would have fewer friends. Not everyone is like me; they wouldn't ask for it."
Sirius laughed. He asked how the wedding planning was going, and Lily answered, chatting for a few minutes until James got back, food in hand. "I can't believe you're arguing over roses. Roses are the flowers for weddings."
"See, that's what I said," James said, setting the bag on the table and unpacking it.
"Don't believe him, Sirius. He wanted yellow roses."
Sirius wrinkled his nose, accepting a container of rice when James handed it to him. "Yellow? James, yellow roses are for friends, not the love of your life."
Lily, being a very mature woman, stuck her tongue out at James.
"My first suggestion were lilies," James defended.
"I don't want the flowers that I'm named after to decorate my wedding. It's tacky."
"Yeah," Sirius said slowly, "also lilies are traditionally for funerals. Do red roses like normal people."
They both glared at him.
"Tulips?" he suggested. "Tulips are nice."
"Tulips are rather nice," James said thoughtfully.
"And they come in white," Sirius added.
"Why is it important that they come in white?" Lily asked.
"Your robes are going to be blue, and if you're not going with the traditional red roses, then you should do something that will make it pop. You can't do pink, so it might as well be white."
"Why can't we do pink?" James asked, and Sirius pointed at Lily's head. No, not her head, her hair. "Oh. Right, that makes sense." He sat down, and they all started to eat.
It was about halfway through the meal that they broached the reason they were had gotten together tonight. James was the one to bring it up, which was a little strange considering he had been the one who was most hesitant. "I know that we need to figure shite out, but I don't know what any of it is."
"Positions, I guess," Sirius said.
"Positions?"
"Well yeah. I mean, this is easier since we know Lily's going to be in the middle. It's her show, after all. Normally," Sirius said, even though he was guessing and didn't have a very good idea of what was considered 'normal' for these situations, "it would be one person shagging her, and one person getting sucked." It was weird as hell to be talking about sex like this with them. When him and James had been teenagers, they'd talked about sex some, but that had been more along the lines of both of them wanting to shag and not really knowing how to do it. Talking about the specifics of it was entirely new, and it was made worse by the... well, everything. Worse because Sirius was in love with James, and James and Lily were about to get married. He'd seen a picture of a threesome with two men and one woman before, but that had been with one of the men in the middle. It had looked like a pretty nice position, all things considered, but as they'd already established, James wasn't interested in this for him. This was for Lily. Sirius was only here because they were friends. His life was a comedy, and he was the butt of every joke.
"But since you would be the one doing all of that," Sirius said, gesturing to Lily with his fork, "it's up to you. I don't really know what your and James's sex life is like."
"And here I thought you told each other everything."
"He tells me that you have sex, not the specific acts you get up to. And I don't want to know about it either," Sirius added. "After this, I'm done with being a part of your sex life. This is closer than most people get, anyways."
"Fair enough," Lily said. "I'm good with getting my mouth on James if you're fine shagging me."
Saying 'sounds good' would be too weird, so Sirius gave a shrug and said, "Sure."
"James?"
The man in question currently had a mouthful of food, so he nodded.
"Biggest question settled, good job team," Sirius said with a smirk. "Any other concerns?"
James raised his hand, then chewed quickly and took a gulp that looked like it got stuck halfway down. "What are we doing leading up to it? Like, are we grabbing dinner and coming back here? Going out on a date?"
"I don't think-" that's necessary, Sirius had been about to say, but he stopped when Lily said, "Yes."
There was a moment when both of them looked at Sirius. After his denial, it put them in a weird spot.
Lily blinked. "We don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought it would... put us in the right mood, I guess. Take the pressure off, instead of inviting you over and having the debate of, are we going to chat first? Are we going to kiss? Just start stripping?"
"I think that would be good," James agreed. "You've been saying that you don't see us that much. That would give us a chance to catch up and talk about it a little more, if we need to."
Sirius looked between them. Merlin, why did they both have to be so earnest? Being their friend and doing this was proving weirder than if he were an acquaintance-- or a complete stranger; there had been none of this awkwardness with the last guys, although maybe that had been because he was sloshed at the time. "Sure," he said, because really, what else was there to say? He wasn't about to turn down dinner with them. Though he wasn't a big fan of Lily calling it a date. He was already in dangerous territory agreeing to have sex with them and calling it a date was just making it worse. But whatever. If he was making a bad decision, he might as well go all in.
"Was there anything else we needed to talk about?" Lily asked, looking between the two of them.
"I'm... a little concerned about you," Sirius said, gesturing to James. "You get jealous. I don't fancy getting you mad at me over this."
"I'll be fine."
"You sure about that? You wouldn't knock my teeth in, sure, but I wouldn't put it past you to be all broody and passive aggressive afterwards. And that's assuming that it doesn't bother you so much that we have to stop in the middle. I mean, if that's what we need to do so everyone's comfortable, that's fine, but if it's going to be an issue-"
"I don't think it will be," James said. He still had his earnest face on.
"How's that?"
"I have to agree with Sirius," Lily said. "You have a tendency to get jealous. Normally it's fine, but normally we're not also having sex with the guy."
James hummed in consideration. After another moment, he said, "You're right. I don't want to do that in the middle of everything. You should- I mean, if you don't mind, could you kiss?" He motioned between Lily and Sirius. "Just to see. No point in planning all this if I freak out the first time you kiss, y'know."
Lily looked at Sirius with a questioning expression on her face, and he shrugged. He'd just agreed to have sex with her; a kiss was nothing compared to that. He did a quick sweep on the inside of his mouth with his tongue to make sure he didn't have any massive chunks of food sitting around. They leaned towards each other, and he was glad that Lily was able to close that last bit of distance, because Sirius didn't think he could convince himself to initiate it, even with it being James's idea.
It was a quick peck, nothing more, and they both looked to James afterwards. "So far so good," he said. "It's weird to ask you to snog, isn't it?"
Sirius snorted. "Only because I'm still eating."
"So you will later?"
"I'm good with it," Lily said, and Sirius made a noise to confirm that he agreed. He felt like he was in a hole that he’d dug for himself, and it was getting deeper with every new agreement.
They finished eating, snogged a bit, and Sirius wasn't going to think about how good it felt to kiss Lily because he was buggered enough being in love with James and he wasn't going to complicate this even more for himself. He had to clear his throat before saying, "Er. When are we...?"
"I was thinking Friday?" Lily said. Was it his imagination, or did she look a little flushed? Don't be stupid Sirius, of course she looked a little flushed. Snogging did that to a person; it didn't mean anything. None of this meant anything other than feeling good physically. That’s all this was. "That way we don't have to deal with getting up early the next day for work or anything, and it gives us time to find a reservation."
"Sounds good to me," James said, and Sirius nodded in agreement. He was going to need the entire weekend to put himself back together and pretend like everything was normal.
In a weird turn of events-- because apparently that's what his life was like now; one weird turn after another-- James actually went home with him. He gave Lily a quiet but heartfelt, "I love you," and kiss goodbye.
"I thought it would feel more strange," James said after they were in their flat, ruffling his hair.
"It seemed rather strange to you an hour ago."
"Yeah, but... I dunno. Now that we know it's going to happen and we know the details, I thought I'd freak out a little. But seeing you and Lily kiss didn't feel weird. It was kinda good," he said, shooting Sirius a smile. When James smiled, it lit up his whole face. He had a look in his eyes that Sirius was well acquainted with: trust and love. James had started looking at him with this exact expression in third year, and he hadn't stopped. It was that look that had made Sirius start falling for him, and he hadn't stopped. Well, that look and a hundred other things. "I'm looking forward to it."
Sirius's heart skipped a beat, even as he reminded himself that James didn't mean it for anything other than the surface level. He thought him and Lily kissing looked hot, so the sex was probably going to be good. That's it. That's all he meant by it. Sirius's traitorous heart didn't agree.
Friday came slowly, but once it was there, Sirius felt like he hadn't had any time to prepare himself. Considering that he'd spent most of his time trying not to think about what was going to happen, it made sense. He hadn't prepared himself. Hell, he couldn't prepare himself because thinking about it made him feel shite that he didn't need to be feeling. If he didn't think about it, he couldn't bugger himself over feeling things about it.
But now it was Friday and it was happening, and he was starting to think that he really really should've thought about this a little bit beforehand, just to mentally prepare himself for what was surely going to be the most emotional night of his life. Even if the sex turned out to be mediocre-- doubtful, highly doubtful-- he would still walk away with the knowledge of what James looked like. Sounded like. And he'd know those things about Lily too, and then he was going to have to stand with them as they got married and pretend like he didn't have recent knowledge about both of them for those things. Bloody hell, why did he agree to this? The answer, of course, was that he was a sodding idiot who was desperate for the slightest attention, and if there was one thing he was guaranteed to get from James and Lily, it was attention.
It was a muggle restaurant because of course it was, and they'd all agreed to meet there so there wasn't any awkward shuffling around with their schedules. Sirius managed to get himself dressed by reminding himself that he was hungry, and it stopped the panic from settling in when he got there and saw that James was already there, waiting. It eased a small part of him that worried it was some terrible joke and he'd be stood up.
"We're drinking wine?" was the first thing Sirius said, sliding into the seat across from James. It was a round table that normally held four chairs but only had three right now, clearly done especially for their party.
"I'm drinking wine," James said. "You can drink whatever you want."
"Thank fuck," Sirius said. A little too loudly. An older man gave him a reprimanding look for it, and Sirius fought the urge to give him a v. "Lily running late?"
"Technically, we're both early. Rather, I was early because I didn't have anything else to do and didn't want to show up at the flat and freak you out, and you're on time. She still has time to show up before she's considered late."
"I'll make a note of that," Sirius said dryly, though internally, he was thankful. If James had gone home, he would've seen Sirius acting a touch manic, and that wasn't a good way to start the evening.
The waitress came by a minute later since it wasn't terribly busy. "Anything to drink while you wait for your third?" she asked.
"Dark ale, if you've got it."
"We do," she said, making a note on her pad.
"Thanks," Sirius said with a wink, and she smiled a little before leaving.
James shook his head. "Flirting while you're on a date. I'm ashamed to know you, Padfoot."
"It's not a date till Lily gets here," Sirius argued.
"Well now you're hurting my feelings."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "How was your day?"
"You were with me for most of it."
"That's hardly the point. What was with Perkins today?"
James snorted. "I think he replaced the stick up his arse with a cactus."
"That's as good a theory as any. You'd think he was running for Minister with the way he's acting."
"Like an absolute tosser?"
"Exactly."
It wasn't long before Lily showed up, but once she was there, it was obvious what had taken her more time. She'd actually put on makeup, and judging by the slightly irritated skin at the corner of her eyes, she'd had to redo it at least once. "Sorry," she said, brushing hair out of her face as she all but collapsed in her seat, "that took a bit longer than expected."
"Lils, no offense, but I hope you didn't do that on my account," Sirius said.
"Does it not look good?" she asked, crestfallen.
Oh shit. See, this was the reason that Sirius didn't date people; he never knew the right thing to say-- that he was in love with someone else was merely a background reason for why relationships never worked, right? Right. "No, you look great, but you know that you look great all the time, yeah? I don't want you to think that you had to dress up. It's not like me or James did anything special."
Lily shrugged, now assured that it was fine. "I know, but it's a special night, so I felt like I should do something special for it. Besides, Marlene says I should get a little bit of practice with it so that our wedding pictures don't look like I'm suffering."
"I thought Marlene said that she was going to do your makeup for the wedding?"
"She will be, but evidently, I look uncomfortable while I'm wearing makeup."
"You look comfortable to me," Sirius offered.
"Thank you, I'm trying." Lily ran a hand through her hair, getting it more towards its usual style. It looked like maybe she'd put in hairspray then tried to rinse it out. Okay, maybe she didn't look as comfortable as she normally did; she was nervous. To be fair, Sirius was nervous too, and even though James looked plenty relaxed, Sirius was willing to be that he was nervous as well. Hell, if James was perfectly at ease, it would be suspicious. "I hope you weren't waiting long?"
"Nah," James said. "Just catching up on the day."
"I wasn't aware you needed to catch up after working together the entire time," Lily said, but not judgmentally like most everyone else did when they discovered that James and Sirius lived and worked together. She knew how close they were, better than almost anyone else-- Remus and Peter had known for years-- but she didn't get that there was still shite they could talk about.
"Well, Lils, despite our best efforts, we don't actually live in each other's heads, and every once in a while, we have to split up," James said with a crooked grin.
"Of course, how silly of me," she said with an answering smile. "What're you drinking?"
"I'm having white wine, and Sirius is drinking dark ale because he likes to suffer."
Lily looked at Sirius's drink in interest, then grabbed it and took a sip. "Huh. That's not too bad."
"I'm having dinner with two people who have no taste."
"Not very smart to say that to the people that will be shagging you tonight," Lily said offhandedly. "I think I'll stick to my usual since I'm nervous enough as it is, but remind me to try this next time."
"Next time?" Sirius repeated with a smirk. He'd agreed to a one-night event, and he knew that that's all they wanted too.
Lily rolled her eyes. "The next time we go out for drinks. Merlin, you're just as bad as James."
"That should not surprise you."
"It doesn't. Every now and then though, I am viscerally reminded. You peas in a pod know what you're ordering?"
"The usual," James said.
Sirius shrugged, then nodded. He'd be doing the same as James and getting what he already knew he liked. He liked to try new foods when they went out most of the time, but he was freaking out enough without trying something new to eat on top of it. "You?" he asked Lily.
She hummed, brow furrowed as she scanned the menu.
The waitress came back before she was ready, but James and Sirius ordered first so that when it came time, she knew what she wanted. Sirius knew that they'd agreed to do dinner beforehand so they weren't as nervous when the time came, but there was nothing natural about the three of them going to a nice restaurant all by themselves. Normally, Marlene would be here too so they could feel less like they were intruding on a date and more like they were just hanging out. Obviously that wasn't an option this time, but Sirius was used to them eating somewhere more casual or at home. Bugger, they should've just gotten takeaway. That was the solution they needed, but it was too late to change plans now; they were already here.
Sirius entertained himself by running the tip of one finger around the rim of his glass. James was tapping his finger against the table, pointer to pinky and back again, over and over. Lily was just fidgeting in her seat.
"I didn't know we could get this awkward," Lily said with a sigh. "We're thinking about this too much. Sirius, how was your day?"
Dinner ended up being good. Once Lily got the ball rolling, they fell into usual patterns and everything was nice. Easy. It could've gotten awkward again after they finished eating and made to leave, but Lily put an arm around Sirius's waist and kept talking like they were going home to keep talking. Nothing else. No reason to get tense. This was a night like any other.
They headed to Lily's afterwards since that was what they'd agreed on-- though personally, Sirius thought they should've gone to his and James's flat since two of the three of them lived there but whatever. Lily set her purse down and turned to Sirius, hands hovering between the two of them. "Can I kiss you?"
In response, Sirius leaned down, and Lily met him halfway. Her hands went to either side of his face, and he'd been expecting for it to feel a little strange even though they'd kissed a few days ago, but it didn't. Lily kissed him for a minute, then turned and kissed James. Sirius looked at them, chest warming with how comfortable they were-- how right they looked together. In another world, in another life, Sirius would hope for things to go a little differently, but they were happy together. He couldn't fuck them up if he tried. With that thought, the rest of his anxiety for the night melted away. This was going to be a fun night for them. All he had to do was make sure that he enjoyed it too, and he could worry about the fallout for himself in the morning.
It felt like everything was happening in a blur because he was focused on not overthinking it. He kissed Lily, and then they started to lose some clothes, and the only time Sirius felt like he was going to start to panic was when he glanced at James-- which he did every once in a while to make sure that he was fine. The part about looking that made his heart skip a beat every damn time was that James was turned on. This was how James looked when he was turned on. Cheeks flushed and lips swollen and glistening. Eyes wide and darker than normal. Breathing heavy, but not the kind of heavy that he got from quidditch. And he looked like that because of Sirius. Because Sirius was here. But he had to look away again before he could really think about it because it wasn't for Sirius; it was for Lily. Sirius's presence was incidental, not the cause.
The three of them stumbled into her room, and while the shirts had been lost in the living room, all their pants and trousers were tossed into a pile next to the bed. Sirius half-expected for them to get into the positions they'd discussed, but Lily pulled him to sit next to her on the bed and kept kissing him. He wound one hand through her hair and put the other on her thigh, able to squeeze and pull her closer without worrying about it. If James had been fine with his mouth on her breast before-- which he had been-- then this was fine.
Also, fucking hell could Lily kiss. It had been obvious, at first, that she'd gotten used to James and wasn't used to kissing anyone else now. The exacting way that she'd tilted her head and done certain things with her tongue made it clear that she was used to doing them and getting a good reaction. After a little while, that had changed to accommodate Sirius's preferences, but he'd gone more than a little dizzy with the knowledge that that was how James liked to be kissed.
"We should- erm- condoms," Sirius managed to get out, then laughed at himself. He made a move like he was going to get up, then he paused. "I don't know where you keep them."
James and Lily both laughed as well, and she said, "Washroom."
"You keep your condoms in your washroom instead of your bedroom when you're engaged?"
"Where I keep my condoms almost never effects you," she said, flicking his hair in lieu of swatting his arm. "I'll get them. I need a second."
"You okay?" James asked.
"Yeah, just-" she fanned herself a little "-getting a bit overwhelmed. Need a minute to calm myself down."
"We can end it here if you-" Sirius started to say, but he stopped when Lily jabbed a finger into his shoulder.
"Don't finish that sentence. I still want to do this, but I feel like I'm going to come the instant you're in me. So," she took a deep breath, "I need a minute." She got off the bed and padded away, leaving Sirius and James alone on the bed.
There was barely half a second where Sirius could worry about what that might mean and what he'd have to avoid doing, because James touched his arm and asked, "Can I kiss you?"
"Sure," Sirius said, tilting his head in James's direction. He had a brief flash of worrying that he was coming across as too eager, but then James was kissing him and he couldn't think of a single thing except the way he felt. It was tentative, like most first kisses were. James leaned into it, and Sirius's mouth opened automatically. He didn't have to worry about it being a step too far because James took the invitation for what it was. It was a short kiss. Sirius had to make a conscious effort not to trail after James's mouth when he pulled away. "As terrible as you thought it would be?" Sirius joked, pairing it with a crooked smile so that James would think he didn't mind. It wasn't James's fault that he was in love with him, after all.
James gave a small smile and didn't say anything. The look in his eyes wasn't like he had minded the kiss, but maybe that was just a trick of the light combined with him not wearing his glasses. "Nervous?" was all James said.
"Less than Lily, I think."
James chuckled, moving so he could lean against the headboard.
Sirius had made it a discipline over the years, knowing how long he could look at James before someone took notice. How undressed James could be and where he could look until someone knew that it was checking him out. So he followed the motion as James moved, covering the fact that he was looking at James's cock as if he was just looking at his legs. He looked away after a second. It was a hell of a lot less time than he wanted to spend-- he could look at James all day and still not get enough-- but it had been long enough for the image to be seared into his mind. Long and thick, and absolutely mouthwatering. With a little more privacy, he would jerk off thinking about it-- imagining it in him, in his mouth, in his hand, against his hip-- but that wasn't the point, and there was no good explanation he could give even if he teased himself a little right now.
He startled when there was a touch to the back of his head, but he relaxed as James started to work his fingers, massaging at his scalp. Sirius's eyes fluttered shut. Merlin, that was good. Behind him, James chuckled. "You're such a puppy," he said, voice saturated with fondness.
"Mmm."
He dragged the blunt edge of his nails against Sirius's scalp. "This is probably how other people feel about massages, you know."
Sirius didn't feel like that warranted a response, so he stayed loose, leaning his head back a little more to get a better angle.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Hm?"
"Why'd you agree to this? I mean, I'm glad you did, and it looks like you're having a good time, but I don't get it. You're not attracted to either of us. Like, what's in it for you?"
"Comfortable sex," Sirius mumbled. He wasn't about to tell James that actually, he found both of them quite attractive. So he said that comfortable sex was the reason, and he left it at that. James could infer what he wanted-- the dates that never went anywhere, the hook ups that didn't keep him happy; there was plenty of evidence that James could pick up and apply to his answer without taking it further.
There was another minute where they didn't say anything. Sirius sort of lost track of himself, too busy turning into a puddle of goo at James's ministrations to count the seconds. "You can say no, but can I kiss you again?"
"Why d'you want to?" Sirius muttered. "Thought you didn't like blokes."
"I dunno. Doesn't really matter, but- y'know, I liked kissing you."
"Yeah."
"Yeah as in yes? I can kiss you?"
"Yeah as in you can do whatever the hell you want to me if you do this with my hair again tomorrow."
"Careful," James warned, giving his hair a tug that sent tingles down his spine, "I might take you up on that."
"You say that like it will in any way change my answer."
James laughed, then dropped his hand and squeezed Sirius's neck. "C'mere."
Sirius turned around and was immediately pulled closer, James's mouth covering his. Their first kiss had been tentative and soft. Questioning. Curious, like James had been testing it for flavour, but now he was sure of what he wanted and had no problem taking it. He wound his fingers into Sirius's hair, able to pull him in close and keep him from leaving with his hands like that-- not that Sirius would have tried to leave if his life depended on it. That being said, Sirius felt like he was doing a pretty good job of keeping it together until James bit down on his bottom lip and he whined, melting against him.
"Can you-?" James asked, one hand going to Sirius's hip and directing him. He wanted Sirius in his lap. While they were naked. And turned on. Sirius didn't need any convincing. Their cocks bumped together as Sirius threw a leg over and sidled closer. "Shit, yeah," James said, kissing him again, harder than before. One of James's hands went to Sirius's arse, grabbing a handful and squeezing.
They didn't do much more than that. Sirius itched to rock forward and show James how could it could feel, but he stayed where he was with his hands on James's chest, satisfied to take every kiss that James gave him and not ask for more. This was better than anything he ever thought he would get from James even five minutes ago, and it was being given enthusiastically.
It was at one of the time's when James's tongue was in his mouth that he felt a mouth on his neck, then a hand sweeping his hair out of the way before it returned. "Hey Lils," he said, breaking away from James's mouth, panting.
"Don't let me stop you," she said into his ear, then sucked lightly on his earlobe.
"Merlin," he whispered, hips jerking.
James pried his hand off of Sirius. "Just a distraction while you were gone," James said, and even though Sirius knew exactly what he meant by that, he couldn't help the way his heart cracked. Distraction. This wasn't why they were here. Just because James liked the way he kissed didn't mean anything, especially since he'd already been hard when they started.
Sirius hid all traces of hurt by craning his neck around and kissing Lily. Any discomfort she might have noticed between one second and the next could be written off as the position he put his body in. It was a quick kiss, mostly tongue and all messy but it's not like either of them minded. Before Sirius climbed off his lap, he gave James a parting kiss with a grin. A sort of thanks-for-the-quick-snog-I-had-fun kiss that he didn't think James would at all begrudge him for-- judging by the grin he got in response, the message was received.
Lily handed a condom to Sirius, then opened the other and rolled it onto James. It took a bit of shuffling for her to get in place, and for a moment, Sirius just stared and took in the pretty picture her and James made like this.
Sirius didn't often sleep through the night with no interruptions. This night was no different, no matter how much he wished that it would be. Staying the night wasn't all that strange of a suggestion to him until he woke up and was overly aware of the two bodies in bed with him. He wasn't used to that. He'd spent almost his entire life, just him, in his bed, all alone. Him and James had shared a few times at Hogwarts for nightmares and such, and he found that he was having the same problem now as he'd had then: he wanted to get up.
It's not as though he wanted to read for an hour and then try to sleep again. He just wanted to get up, maybe use the loo or grab a snack. But he couldn't. Because it would risk waking either-- or both-- of them, and having someone else wake you up was never fun. he wasn't about to sour the evening they had by making them grumpy now. Sirius resigned himself to lying there uselessly until he managed to get back to sleep.
So he waited.
And waited some more.
Damn it. He'd been awake for too long. His legs were sore and now he needed to take a piss. He could hold off for a while if he needed to, but he sure as hell wouldn't be able to get back to sleep like this. Lily's legs were tangled with his, and he hoped she was a deeper sleeper than James was, otherwise he didn't stand a chance of not waking her up. He moved slowly, trying to make it impossible to notice he was leaving. He thought he was successful as he got to his feet.
He went to the toilet, then padded to the kitchen to get some water. He'd barely been there ten seconds when James entered the room, sleepily rubbing at his eyes. "What're you doing?" he mumbled.
"Getting some water," Sirius said, keeping his voice low. "I didn't mean to wake you."
James yawned so wide it looked like his jaw was going to unhinge like a snake's. "You okay?"
"Yeah? I'm not having a breakdown or summat."
"Right," James said. He shuffled over, tiredly smushing his face against Sirius's shoulder.
"You could've stayed in bed," Sirius pointed out.
"You're out here."
"Your fiance is in there."
"You're out here," James repeated.
Sirius's chest warmed, and he didn't say anything else to try and get James to go back to bed. He'd be back in there in a minute anyways, and James would follow. He finished off what was in the glass and turned on the tap for some more. He didn't rush, needing the little bit of extra time it gave him to get his head on straight.
He didn't need to think about the emotional implications of this. Not yet. He was just going to finish his water, then get back to sleep. In bed. Mmm, bed, where it was nice and warm. James leaning against his back, arms loosely wrapped around his waist. It was a little too heavy to truly be considered comfortable, but he liked how it felt. Skin to skin, the scent of sex still clinging to them. It was a fantasy given life.
Sirius leaned back against him, eyes fluttering shut as he let himself enjoy it. It was the same night. That counted right? No guilt, not yet. "You're comfy," Sirius mumbled.
"Mmm."
Sirius took another sip from his glass, then dumped the the rest in the sink and put the glass by the sink. "Let's go to bed."
James yawned in response. Sirius started to shuffle towards the room, and James did the same, staying glued to Sirius the whole time. He only let go when they got up to the bed, because his other option was landing on top of Sirius. After they were in bed, James curled an arm around Sirius and pulled him close so they were spooning, Sirius's back to James's front like they'd been standing in the kitchen.
He wondered if James even knew who he was holding.
Lily stared down at her cup of coffee, and on the other side of the table, James was staring into his own cup.
"Last night was pretty good," James said. They needed to talk about it. He knew that they did, but that didn't make bringing it up any easier.
"It was great," Lily agreed.
"Kind of intense."
"Yeah. I didn't know it would be like that. Do you think that's how it's supposed to be?"
"I think that's how it is when it's Sirius," James said. For the first time since sitting down, Lily looked over at him, and he looked back. He was nervous; she was nervous. He was pretty sure that she was feeling the same thing that he was, but he didn't know for sure.
"I think so too."
He let out a breath. He straightened up a little, not quite drowning in his own guilt anymore. "So erm. Are we going to talk to him about it?"
"I-" Lily stopped and bit her lip. "I wouldn't want it to just be sex," she said haltingly. "If we did talk to him. I mean, he's... you know?"
"Yeah," James said softly. Better than most people, he knew. "I had no idea until…” Until he’d kissed him. The first kiss had been an errant thought. Something he wanted to try out while he had the chance because he’d still been sure that he was straight. He’d been sure he was straight until after they separated and all James could think about was getting to kiss him again. He’d never wanted to stop. “It was one hell of a wake up call."
"Yeah, same here." She took a sip from her mug.
"I didn't even know I was attracted to men," James said, shaking his head. "But erm, are we going to talk to him? If we did, we should do it together."
"If we do," Lily agreed with a nod.
"You're not sure we should?"
"James... we're engaged. We've already sent out invitations; everyone knows when the wedding's going to be. How would we explain canceling?"
He hadn't thought of that. "I dunno."
Brow furrowing, Lily took another drink. "That's if Sirius even wants to be with us. He agreed to one night, just sex."
"He didn't sign up for both of us catching feelings."
"And what do we do if he says no? Get married anyways?" Lily asked. "Then he'd be up there while we're getting married, knowing that we were willing to call it off for him."
"I think," James said slowly, "that we should get married anyways. We're acting like we can only get married or have Sirius. Why can't we do both? Maybe- hell, Lily, I think we should get married and talk to him about it afterwards."
"You think?"
"Yeah. If we talk to him about it so soon after, he'll think that it's hormones and us panicking or summat. If we wait until after, we'll still get to be married, and he won't think that it's an impulse decision."
Lily nodded, hesitantly at first, then more confidently. "That's a good plan. I'd hate for Sirius to think he's breaking us up or something. You know how nervous he was about that for yesterday, and that was just one night."
"So we're agreed?" James asked, holding out his mug like they were toasting to something.
"We're agreed," Lily said, clinking her mug against his. "We'll talk to him after we're married."
Sirius loved that he could always find all new lows for himself. It was his most impressive trait, really. He'd thought that being in love with his best mate who was getting married was the worst he could do, but then he went and started falling for his best mate's fiance as well. It wasn't purely physical. It would've been so much easier if it was, but his mind wandered over to Lily's laugh and the way she teased him, and there was no pretending.
He was in love with both of them. When he knew he would be buggering himself over by sleeping with them, he'd thought it would be simpler than this. He'd been pining after James for so long that hiding it was as easy as breathing. Pretending that he wasn't in love with Lily took more effort. It took constant upkeep and attention. Was he smiling too brightly? How much did he normally smile at her? Should he make an excuse to leave or was that suspicious?
He didn't think it had gotten bad until he reached over Lily's shoulder one day to point at something she was holding, and she jumped. He froze. "Lils? You okay?"
"Fine!" she said, too brightly, her smile stretching too wide. Her eyes did nothing to sell the lie.
"You sure?"
"Absolutely!" She had a wild look about her, and she paired it with a nervous laugh.
"Erm. Okay." He’d been too obvious. He’d made her nervous. She wasn’t comfortable around him anymore, and it was entirely his fault.
Later, he went to James to ask him about it. Maybe he was reading too much into it, and Lily was being like this the closer it got to the wedding. He didn’t think that’s what it was, but he needed to double check.
"Is Lily mad at me?"
"Really, really doubt it," James said. "Hey, do you think you'd be able to come over to hers tomorrow night? We're trying to finalize the plans, and- well, you have the best taste. When it's just us, we go round and round and circles, but you make us actually make choices."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Cool, I'll floo Marlene and see if she's free too."
"Lily's asking her," James said quickly. "So you don't need to."
James was lying. Why the hell was he lying? If they wanted to talk about final decisions for the wedding, then- oh. Okay. There was a problem between the three of them, but James didn't want to talk about it yet. Get them all in the same room and figure it out. "Alright," Sirius said. What was the worst that could happen? Realistically, at least. Sirius's imagination could come up with some horrible shite, but most of it wasn't realistic. Thinking that James and Lily were going to stop being friends with him? Ludicrous. Thinking that James might say that he didn't want Sirius and Lily alone in a room together again? Pretty damn plausible.
He was also sort of afraid that James was going to say that he didn't want for Sirius to be his best man anymore, which was about half and half between the two. How would James go about explaining that to people? 'Yeah, we're not best mates anymore because I convinced him to have a threesome with me and my fiance even though I'm a very jealous person, and now I'm mad at him.' It didn't sound too good. It was probably just... some new rules. Don't be in the same room, stop touching as much, etc. It wouldn't even last for a year; they'd get married and forget all about it.
He'd shown up at Lily's, and strangely enough, they were actually talking about wedding details. Sirius was in the weird position of playing mediator. Lily would say what she liked, James would say what he liked, Lily would counter, James would counter, they'd both bring up a new option, and then Sirius would step in and pick one of the four options that had been put forward.
Remus had dropped by to borrow something, and James was helping him find it, leaving Lily and Sirius alone at the table.
"Shame that Marlene couldn't make it," Sirius said.
"What?" Lily asked, looking confused.
"Marlene? James said you asked her to come." He'd known that it was a lie when James said it, but then they actually did wedding stuff when he got here. He didn't quite know what to make of it, but he'd been hoping that James was just in a mood when it happened, and that's why it looked like he'd been lying.
"Oh, right!" Lily lied. "Yeah, she was busy."
Sirius stared at her. What the hell was going on?
"What?" Lily asked.
"Do you and James think I can't tell when you're lying? What the hell is going on? If this is about the three of us sleeping together, I wish you'd just come out and say it."
Lily winced, looking down at the table guiltily.
Remus and James came back in the room, the former left, and the latter joined them at the table where they were sat in awkward, weighted silence. Lily was staring at the table still, and Sirius was staring at her, waiting for an answer with his arms folded over his chest. "Er, everyone okay?" James asked.
"Apparently, you and Lily have a problem with me after that threesome you proposed, but now she's clammed up and won't tell me what the problem is exactly."
"Woah, I never said we had a problem with you," Lily defended, looking up. She glanced at James. "Really, I didn't say that." Back to Sirius. "You didn't do anything. Things are just... weird."
Lily and James shared a look, and James gave the smallest shake of his head. Small enough that Sirius didn't see it out of the corner of his eye.
"Well yeah," Sirius said, making Lily blink in surprise. "You guys are in a committed relationship, and you had sex with someone that wasn't a part of that relationship. I know what both of you look like naked, and I have firsthand experience with how you are during sex; you guys know that about me, too. It's going to be weird for a little bit. Just- if nothing's wrong, then pretend like you're fine until you are."
"Is that what you're doing?" James asked.
"Hell yeah. Or did you really think having sex with your fiance didn't make me panic a little bit? I thought you were going to punch me the next time you saw me after I left."
"I would never punch you," James said, rolling his eyes like the very idea was absurd. It should've made Sirius feel better, but all he ended up doing was thinking that if James knew where his head was, punching him was probably the nicest thing that could happen.
The wedding day finally came, and Sirius was in deep shite. He knew that he was, and he plastered on a smile and made sure that it stayed there. This wasn't his day. There was nothing about this day that was about him. This was about two of his best friends getting married because they were so fantastically in love with each other that they couldn't imagine spending their lives with anyone else. He had helped them plan this. He'd helped them get this far, and he wasn't about to let it get buggered up now.
He stood a couple steps to the side and watched them say their vows. Lily was as gorgeous as ever, and James... Merlin, James was everything Sirius had ever wanted in his life, and he looked so unbelievably happy to be getting married that for a moment, Sirius managed to not have his stomach be a twist of knots. How could he be miserable when the person he cared most about was so overjoyed? The emotion didn't last, but he hadn't expected for it to.
The saving grace of it all was that this was their day, so they weren't paying attention to anyone but each other. He couldn't bring them down because they didn't have a chance of noticing. The only time it really got dicey was when they got to the part of the night where there was dancing. Lily danced with James first, of course. The first song was just theirs, and they danced together for the next song as well. After that though, Lily came up to Sirius. "Spare a dance for the bride?" she asked, holding out a hand.
Sirius laughed and accepted-- because he had to, and he wasn't about to tell her no and make her worry about something meaningless on the happiest day of her life-- even though the only thing she had interrupted was his methodical downing of cocktails. "You look amazing," he said as they got on the floor, his hand on her waist and her arm around his shoulder. Lily was… Merlin, she deserved everything wonderful in the world.
"Thanks," she said, unable to wipe the grin off her face-- as it should be. "I admit, I was worried about... all this. Me and James spent so much time figuring out the details, I guess I was worried that we'd never get around to actually having it."
"Nah, you two are meant for each other," Sirius said, smile still firmly on. It wasn't a lie; they were amazing together. Envious though he was, he knew how happy they would be with each other and no one else.
"You think so?" she asked, looking up at him.
Don't think about her like that, Sirius chided himself. She was beautiful because she was the bride and one of his mates. The bride of his best mate, even. That's it; that's all she was to him, and that's why he could notice that she was beautiful. It's why he wasn't going to think about anything else in that vein. "'Course I do. Anyone that's seen you two together would think the same." Sirius made a show of looking around the room. "In fact, I think I can get fifty people to agree with me, if you need."
Lily laughed, burying her face in his chest for a moment before lifting her head. "I just..." she said, looking more thoughtful. She never finished her sentence. The song ended, and she pressed a kiss to his cheek.
Don't think about that, Sirius repeated, bussing a kiss to her cheek in return. "Congratulations," he said, and she went off for another dance, and he went back to the bar.
After a couple drinks-- interspersed with the occasional dance with one of Lily's relatives, and one with Marlene as the maid of honour-- Peter took a seat next to him. Most people were past their drinking stage for the night, so they had a decent amount of privacy tucked away at the edge. No one around to overhear Peter quietly say, "Hey. I know we never... acknowledged or talked about it, but I think you're taking this really well."
"Trust me," Sirius said, stirring his drink with the stick of pineapple it had come with, "I'm not."
Peter nodded, like he'd expected that. He clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "I'm proud of you."
"For what? Not ruining his wedding? I'd sooner kill myself than put either of them through that."
"You know what I mean," Peter said, and he kept Sirius company for a while, drinking in silence.
The party broke up eventually, and everyone stumbled off to their rooms. It was a good thing they'd agreed on having the wedding in a muggle hotel so that they didn't have to worry about getting everyone home safely. There was no way for anyone to get really injured between the lobby and their room.
Sirius didn't like himself very much when he drank, but hell, he didn't like himself sober today. He closed the door to his room and sighed. Alone. He was here alone. There were people that cared about him, that loved him, but right now, he felt terribly, horribly alone. This was probably how most single people felt after weddings. Seeing people be so in love was wonderful, but it reminded him that there was no one like that for him. There was no one in his life that had known him and wanted to date him. There never had been. He'd never dated anyone with success. There had never been someone he'd dated long enough to call them boyfriend or girlfriend. There was no one. Considering that he'd been in love with his best mate for as long as he could remember and then gone and fallen for the bird that friend was engaged to, he never would have someone.
He kicked off his shoes and pulled his tie off. He tossed the coat onto the bed and undid the top buttons of his shirt. He needed a drink. He was going to get himself a drink from the mini-fridge in the room, and he could finish undressing then. The small bag he'd packed was sat on the stand next to the bed. It had sleep clothes for tonight, and clothes put together enough that no one would think about it for tomorrow. His toothbrush, hairbrush, and deodorant. A condom and lube just in case-- just in case someone thought he was pretty and he decided that sex would be a good way to get his mind off of James and Lily. Obviously, that hadn't happened. Probably for the best; he would've only ended up regretting it.
He grabbed two of the little bottles from the fridge and poured it into one of the plastic cups that had been provided. Getting sloshed wasn't the answer. He knew that. He also knew that there was no good solution for the corner he'd backed himself into.
Someone banged on the door, and Sirius frowned. He'd thought that Remus and Peter were tired when they left, but it was always possible that they'd decided drinking together would be more fun than letting him drink alone. Sirius opened the door, then froze. "James? Wh-"
"Is anyone with you?" James asked, peeking past him. There was an anxious energy around him, and Sirius did not have a good feeling about this.
He shook his head, and James pushed past him. "What're you doing here?" Sirius asked, closing the door.
As soon as the door clicked shut, James was on him, hands on either side of his face and kissing him desperately. Sirius dropped the cup and it bounced on the carpet, forgotten. He was pushed against the door, the front of his body pressed against James's. For a moment, Sirius kissed him back. It was warm and wet and everything he'd ever wanted from James. For a moment, Sirius hated himself.
Sirius pushed at his shoulders until there was space between them. "What the hell are you doing," he whispered, eyes wide.
"I- I think we made a mistake. Me and Lily. I thought it was like you said, just- leftover hormones or whatever, but I want this. I want this with you," James said, frantic, gripping him tightly. "I know you do too. That night- when we kissed, I know you felt something too. You did, Sirius, and- Merlin, I know I'm not mad; I know you feel the same way."
It was like someone had poured ice down his back. This was everything he'd ever wanted; everything he'd always wanted for James to say to him. And it was wrong. Lily was somewhere, waiting for him.
Lily. She didn't deserve this. Even if James had somehow never been in love with her-- which Sirius knew wasn't the case-- she didn't deserve to have James run out on her on her bloody wedding night. More than that, Sirius knew that James loved her. He knew that for a fact. People didn't look at Lily the way James did. He was so in love with her it was a miracle he hadn't manifested permanent heart eyes.
Sirius shook his head, trying to drag the bits of his heart back together. It had been held together by tape until now, anyways. "You don't want this."
"Yes, I do ," James said, so intensely that Sirius almost believed him.
Almost.
"Would you agree that I know you better than anyone?" Sirius asked.
Confused, James said, "Yes."
"So when I say that you're panicking, I need you to believe me."
"But-"
Sirius covered James's mouth with one hand. He swallowed thickly. Everything he ever wanted. Served up to him on a solid platter. He could say 'I love you too, James' and they'd probably shag and James would tell him that he'd always loved Sirius, he just hadn't realised it until now. He could get everything. "If you don't leave right now, you'll regret it. You're freaking out. That's normal." He had no idea if that was true or not. He was pretty sure that cold feet was supposed to happen before the wedding, not after. "Just remember that you love Lily, okay? You love her." He took his hand off. "Go back to your room and remember all the reasons she's perfect. You're happy, James. Don't- don't throw it away now because you're confused. Just get back there and remind yourself that this morning, you were ecstatic."
"I know I was, but it's not-"
"No," Sirius said, shaking his head. "No but's. You were over the fucking moon that you got to marry Lily, and now you have, and I'm not going to let you ruin it."
"You're- Sirius, we're-"
"No. We're not anything but best mates, and that's all we're ever going to be." Sirius felt for the doorknob and turned it. "Get back to your room, Prongs," he said, forcing a smile onto his face. He put a hand on James's shoulder and half-guided, half-pushed him through the door. James let it happen, looking befuddled until he was out in the hall again. When he walked away, he didn't look at Sirius, and he didn't say anything.
Sirius closed the door, then leaned against it heavily. There was no amount of drinking that could make him feel better after that, but he was going to give it his best shot.
Sirius had a bit of a hangover as he left the hotel, and then he was back at his flat. The flat where he was going to be living all alone. Over the past week, they'd moved most of James's things over to Lily's place, but there was still some of his stuff here. Sirius tied back his hair, taped up a couple boxes, and worked on getting the rest of it together. He knew that this had always been the plan, but it felt like he was kicking James out. He put on a record-- not one his rock ones that he'd gotten for himself, this was something pop that Lily had bought him.
He was still pretending to be upbeat. Yes, he was alone, but he was supposed to go over today to drop the rest of James's stuff off and get a tour of the flat once it was officially theirs before they left on their honeymoon, and there was no telling if they'd decide to come over a little early or not. He was going to see them at some point today, and he couldn't pause a breakdown without them noticing. There would be plenty of time for that once they were on their honeymoon. They'd be gone for a week, and he could lie around feeling worthless. After they left.
The floo sounded, and Sirius turned to it with a smile. Lily stepped through, and no one followed her. It was a little weird that she'd come and James hadn't. "Hey Lily. Or should I say Mrs. Potter?"
Lily chuckled. "That's going to take some getting used to."
"Lucky for you, you have the rest of your life. Where's James?"
"He thought it'd be better to stay at mine- or, just stay home, I guess. That's going to take some getting used to as well. But no- er, he thought it'd be better to let us talk alone."
"Talk about what?" Sirius asked.
Lily chewed on her lip, then said, "He told me what happened last night."
Sirius froze. There was no misunderstanding what she was talking about; nothing else had happened for them to talk about. It made sense that James had told her. It was a good thing that he'd told her, actually, because they were married, and that marriage was never going to last if they didn't talk to each other. He just hadn't thought about it. He'd sort of thought-- without thinking about it-- that James wasn't going to mention it ever again. Sirius knew that's what he wanted. Lily said it, and he could see that she wasn't mad at him, but for an instant, it felt like he couldn't breathe. Not holding-your-breath can't breathe. More like there-is-a-vacuum-and-so-there-is-no-air-in-the-room can't breathe. "Yeah," Sirius managed to get out. He swallowed and pasted on a smile again. "I hope you're not mad at him. He was just confused; he really does love you."
"I know he does." Lily chewed on her lip some more as she thought. He hadn't noticed that she did that so often. Rather, he'd focused very hard to pretend like he hadn't noticed it, and now he had no defences left to pretend like he didn’t see it. "Look, I really do think this is something we should all be talking about together, but James was convinced that if he showed up here on his own, you'd get pissed."
"Why would I be pissed?" Sirius asked, frowning.
Lily shrugged. "He seems to think that you... hate him. I know, I know," she said the moment Sirius looked like he was going to argue that, "I told him it was stupid, but he's freaking out. It's-." She sighed. "We had talked before he went to see you, and I think something got lost between what we talked about and what he said to you. So if you're not mad at him, I really really think you should come back with me so we can talk."
Sirius didn't answer for a moment. He still had one of James's shoes in his hands. He put it in the box, then braced his hands against the edges of the cardboard. "I don't see what the three of us would have to talk about," he said slowly. Something about this wasn't adding up. It wasn't just the fact that James had kissed him when he was so obviously in love with Lily, although that had been plenty strange on its own.
"A lot, but- Sirius we really should let James be here for this."
"If he wanted to be here, then he'd be here. I'm not going over to yours just so I can get kicked out when the conversation ends." Then he frowned. Lily had said that James had talked to her before he went over to Sirius's room. And now she kept insisting that the three of them needed to talk? That didn't make any sense. They loved each other. They were in love, and neither of them would have agreed to break that off just because James was a little curious. But then, James hadn't said he was leaving Lily, had he? Sirius had assumed. James had kissed him like it meant something, and Sirius assumed that it meant love. He really did love to bring himself to never-before-seen lows. He couldn't assume what this was about, not when he'd been so wrong about whatever the hell had happened last night. "What did you and James talk about last night before he saw me?"
Lily hesitated. "He really should be here for this."
"No, we're going to talk about it now, or you're leaving without me." Sirius's heart thumped uncomfortably in his chest. He didn't like being a prick to her, but he wasn't going to drag this out. Besides, James could read him too well; he didn't need to deal with that right now.
"Alright," Lily agreed, but it was reluctant. She only said yes because her other option was leaving, and that was unacceptable. "After the night that the three of us... you know. Me and James talked about it. You said that- that it was lingering feelings or summat, but I don't think that's what it is. For me or James. We thought about talking to you before the wedding, but what if you said no? Then it would be really awkward, and you may not even show up to the wedding, and how would we explain that to anyone? We agreed it would be better to get married and talk to you afterwards. Just in case it all went sideways, you know? But last night it just... it didn't feel right without you. So James went to you, and he was supposed to talk to you, but he was feeling a little- overwhelmed, I guess is the best word for it."
"Talk to me about what?"
Lily blinked at him. While she'd been talking, she'd gotten a little lost in her head, saying things that mostly only made sense to her. She'd been dancing around the details that he needed to know. "What?"
"You keep saying that you and James wanted to talk to me about something. What is it?"
"I- Sirius, we should really go to mine so that all of us can be here for this."
"Tell me or leave," Sirius said. He didn't like the somewhat helpless expression on her face, but he wasn't going to do this to himself. He could survive breaking down in front of her about this; he wouldn't survive doing it in front of James.
"We... want you. With us. In the relationship. Not just for sex, but to be with us. Like, instead of me and James dating, it would be me and you and James all dating."
"That's what you want?"
"Yes."
"And that's what James wants?"
"Yes."
Sirius stared at her for a long moment. It wasn't a joke. It would be too cruel for any of them, and Lily didn't do pranks like that anyways. She met his gaze, hopeful and desperate for any sort of response. He swallowed thickly. They should've talked to him sooner. It was different now. If he agreed, it wasn't that all three of them would be dating like Lily had said; it would be a married couple and their one fit best mate fooling around. That's what it would be like. He didn't think that Lily thought of it that way. He believed that she thought it would be equal.
He could understand why they hadn't brought it up sooner. The venue had already been booked, and they'd already told everyone about the wedding. If they called it off but stayed together, there would be questions. The entire thing would be public, and none of them wanted that. But the fact that they hadn't talked to him about it before the wedding made it feel... cheaper. Like Sirius was an accessory that could be purchased whenever it was convenient. They'd had the free trial before, liked it, and now they were looking into making it permanent-- or at least, long term.
When Lily couldn't take the silence anymore, she said, "I know that I should've gone with James last night so that we could all talk about it then, but we figured it would be less suspicious if only one of us was seen. If we could go back and do it differently, we would, but this is where we are now, Sirius. We buggered up. I admit that. If you need time to think about it or forgive us, I completely understand that. Just... give me something. Tell me what I'm waiting for. Tell me if I'm waiting. Something."
Sirius swallowed thickly. She wasn't making this easy for him. It would've been easier to deal with if she was trying to manipulate him, but she was being honest and that's all. She was willing to give him time. She was willing to wait. She was willing to keep talking to him if that's what he needed. She was here and open and willing, and Sirius didn't know how to process any of it. He'd woken up this morning thinking that his best mate had nearly run out on his bride. He'd woken up thinking that he was going to have to pretend that nothing had happened. He’d woken up in love with both of them, secure in the knowledge that neither of them wanted him in return.
In the span of five minutes, Lily had thrown all of that out the window. In the background, the pop record was still cheerfully spinning.
"I can't do this," Sirius said quietly.
Lily's face fell.
"I've been in love with James since I was twelve, and he married you." He'd never said it aloud before. There had never been a reason to. Even at the wedding when Peter had been talking to him about it, they'd used euphemisms. It was his imagination that the room got heavier, but it still weighed on him like it was physical. "That's- that's making a choice, Lily. He already made it. If he wasn't interested in me before we all had sex, he's not interested in me now."
"...James never told me that," she said, reserved.
"That I'm in love with him?"
She nodded.
"That's because he doesn't know. Do you really think he would've asked me to be a part of the threesome if he had?" Sirius had gone out of his way to make sure that James didn't even suspect. James knew him pretty well though, so there was still a chance that he had his suspicions about it on a subconscious level. But James wasn't cruel. If he'd known about it, he never would've asked Sirius to join. Doing it now hurt in a way that Sirius couldn't put words to. James didn't know that Sirius loved him; that's how he wanted it, but that's because James hadn't been interested in him. He never had been.
"I guess not," she conceded. A pause. "I can't fix what happened there, and I can't tell you why James is interested now, but I can tell you that he is interested. We both fancy you. You're... incredible."
A scoff came out before he could stop it.
"You are," she insisted.
Sirius looked back into the box. He'd pretty much forgotten what he'd been doing, but it hit him again that James was moving out. No more living together. Lily was offering him a golden opportunity, and Sirius was protecting his heart. He could say no, and they would all still be friends. If he said yes... but no. Things would go sideways the way they always did, and Sirius wouldn't have anyone to help him put himself back together. Remus and Peter would help if he asked, but he wouldn't ask. That's how it worked. Still, he wanted to say yes. The only reason he was holding back was because he didn't believe that James wanted it. "I want to talk to James," he said quietly.
"Okay. I'll go get him."
"No."
"What?" Lily asked. "You're not making any sense."
"I want to talk to James. After your honeymoon. You both still feel this way a week from now, then we can talk."
Lily didn't agree right away, which he didn't think was very fair. It had been a good offer. "We were hoping that if you said yes, you could come with us."
"On your honeymoon?"
"Yeah."
"But- it's your honeymoon. You're not adding someone else to that. Are you two sloshed?"
"Sirius," she said, chiding. "Please, just- let's talk about this. You want to talk to James? Good, you should, but don't dismiss all of this out of hand."
"And if I tell you to bugger off because I'm not interested and I just want to get on with my life, not get dragged into your shite?"
Under any other circumstances, it would've been funny to see the way she visibly had to hold herself back from snapping at him. They were usually nice to each other, but when they argued, it was marked by lots of cursing, accusations, and screaming at each other as things escalated. Sirius saying that to her should've gotten a remark to the effect that her shite was his shite and they would all get dragged down together if any one of them were getting dragged. Instead, Lily went to the floo and tossed a pinch of green powder in. "See you around," she said, trying to keep her voice normal but falling short.
He'd done what was right for him. Emotional fallout, that's what this feeling was. He'd felt it before. Instant, devastating disappointment. So why was this so different from what he was used to? He felt like he couldn't breathe, and that wasn't part of the usual way this went. "Lily," he said before she could step through. Sirius swallowed thickly. "You're not going to tell James, are you?"
"I sort of have to," she said, sounding confused. "I show up without you, and that's a pretty clear answer."
"Not that."
A heavy pause. "That you're in love with him."
He gave a tight nod.
"I won't lie if he asks me, but I won't volunteer it."
"Thank you," Sirius said, rubbing at his face. He shouldn't have said anything. He should've kept his damn mouth shut. He still couldn't breathe. "What did you expect when you came here?" he blurted when she stuck her hand back in the pot to grab more. "You got married! It doesn't matter what I'm thinking or feeling or bloody hoping for, because you got married. You told me it was one night. You both told me that it was one night and I wouldn't have to think about it again. That's what I did, and now you come over and drop all of this on me and expect an answer right away. I can't do that! My shite with James goes back years, and last I checked, he's straight and you expect for me to accept that he's not anymore just because you said so. Now, all of a sudden, you're here and saying that you fancy me, and I'm supposed to be okay with that?"
Lily's mouth was ajar as she stared at him, not having expected any of that. "I... I'm not sure James likes men. Just you."
That wasn't half as comforting as she wanted it to be. If anything, it made him feel worse. James was fascinated because he'd never been attracted to a man in any way. He got a little glimmer from Sirius because of the situation they'd been in, and then he got it into his head that he was attracted to him. "He's confused," Sirius said woodenly. "Tell him that I love him if you think it'll make a difference to him. It won't change my answer." He turned to the kitchen to get a glass of water, expecting to hear the roar of the floo at any moment.
Instead, Lily said, "What about me? You've told me how you feel about James. How do you feel about me? I care about you Sirius. More than someone who's just a friend."
He breathed in, breathed out. Did it again. "Telling you won't change my answer."
"Tell me anyways," she requested.
"I love you too," he said, the words slipping out of his mouth like water around rocks in a river. Fluid. Natural. "But it doesn't matter. In case you forgot, you two are married. To each other."
He heard footsteps and closed his eyes. Lily put a hand on his arm, then leaned her forehead in the center of his back. "We can take it slow," she said softly. "I should've offered that first, but I was thinking that if you wanted it, you'd want to go all in straight away because that’s what James and I wanted. You don't have to do that. We can go on a date. Casual. Eat in, see how it goes. We don't have to hop in bed if you don't want to; I just thought that that part would interest you more." Her hand slid down his arm, stopping at his wrist. "We can go slow. Please, Sirius," she begged.
Lily didn't beg. She didn't. It was a fact of the universe. Sirius loved James, and Lily didn't beg. She was doing it now, and it was because of Sirius. It was for Sirius. She... wanted him. She cared enough about this to beg. That didn't sound like a passing fancy the way that Sirius had this whole situation framed in his head.
He buried his face in his hands. "For fuck's sake, Lily," he muttered. "You aren't making this easy." He took a deep breath, put his hands back down, and looked at her. "Slow. And I mean- like, really slow. Snail slow."
"Okay," she said immediately. She took a step towards him like she was afraid he'd get spooked and change his mind. "Okay, I- we can work with that. Nice and slow."
She gave him a careful hug before she left, and he returned it, just as carefully.
He expected for that to be the end of it for the week or so that they were on their honeymoon, but it wasn't even an hour later that the floo flared again and James hesitantly stepped out. "Sirius?" he called. His tone was guarded. His posture was reserved. He didn't step further from the floo than he needed to to avoid getting burned.
Sirius came out from James's room. Old room? Inviting him into their relationship didn't mean that James wasn't moving out anymore. He had stopped packing up the rest of James's things, not really sure if he should or not. "Hey," Sirius said, subdued. He'd started this day with the conviction that he was going to fake it till he made it, but that had been pulverized when Lily came by. He wasn't going to bother pretending if they weren't.
"Hey. Can we erm, talk? I know that you and Lily talked earlier, but I felt like... I dunno. That I should make sure everything between us is okay."
"'Course we're okay," Sirius said, leaning against one wall. He didn't expect for James to believe him, not when he was keeping this much distance between them instead of running forward and giving him a hug. "Why wouldn't we be?"
"I-" James stopped, licking his lips. "Can I tell you what I'm thinking? Straight out, no filter."
"I thought that's always how you talked to me."
"Not recently," he admitted shamefully.
For a long moment, they stared at each other. Things weren't supposed to be this difficult between them. They'd been easy teasing and comfort for as long as they'd known each other. They didn't have room for awkward pauses and skirting around topics. Sirius had been able to talk around his feelings for James because they were so tied into their friendship that it was easy to simply not elaborate when the opportunity came up. Obviously, James had no such skill. "Say what you're thinking," Sirius ended up saying.
"I don't want you to think that it's just physical," he said immediately. "For me. It's not. Lily said you didn't think that I meant that I wanted it, and- yeah, after how I acted with our threesome, I can see why you'd be skeptical."
"It's not just that, James," Sirius said, shaking his head. "You're... curious. You think experimenting with me is safe. You said as much when you asked me to join you and Lily for that night. I can't- I'm not going to get into this with you right now," he said. "You should be getting ready for your honeymoon, not here with me."
James's shoulders sagged. "Are you kicking me out?" he asked, sounding absolutely heartbroken.
"Of course not," Sirius muttered. He'd never be able to kick James out. Not truly. All he ever wanted was for him to stay.
James took a deep breath. He padded closer hesitantly. "Lily said you agreed to try."
"I did," Sirius confirmed.
"And that you need to go slow."
He nodded.
"I can do that," James said. "But I... I want you to tell me if you're not comfortable with me being with you. Like that. If you end up deciding that you can be with Lily and not me, we can talk about that. I don't think I'd mind, so long as it's you."
"That's it," Sirius said quietly.
James frowned, utterly confused. "What?"
"What you just said-- that's one of the big reasons I'm not sure about this." Looking at him, Sirius could tell that he still didn't get it. "I'm an exception for you. It didn't count as another man touching Lily because it was me. You didn't think of it as kissing another man because it was me. I'm an exception to all these rules you have for yourself."
"No," James said, shaking his head. "No, that's not what it was. I know who you are. You're an exception because you're my best mate."
Sirius breathed out. "Right. I'm an exception because I'm your best mate. Do you even like men? Or do you just think 'oh it's Sirius, how bad can it be'?"
"I'd be lying if I said that I'd consider this if it were anyone else," James admitted quietly. "But the same would be true if it was another woman. It's not that I want to try sleeping with another person on the regular or summat. It's... it's you. It's you, Sirius. Do you have any idea how much I don't want to leave you? When we got engaged, I asked Lily if you could live with us." He made a face. "She thought I was joking, but if I asked again now, she'd probably reconsider."
Sirius just stared at him. He didn't know what to say. He needed time to think. He thought that James and Lily could also do with time to think. He thought that James wouldn't be half so interested in this if he knew that Sirius was already in love with. He needed to think about whether or not that was something he should say straight out and maybe avoid all of this. Lily hadn't cared, but Lily had sort of suspected that there was something there; James didn't have a clue.
He didn't say anything. He stared at James, trying to sort it in his head quickly enough that it would make sense, but there was nothing coming to mind.
"Sirius?" he asked, moving even closer. They were now at a normal talking distance, and all of a sudden, it felt like they were too close and too far at the same time. "Are you okay?"
He must look as bad as he felt if James was asking him that. "The next time you kiss me, I want you to mean it," he choked out. He'd wanted it to come out strong, but there was only so much he could lie to James about, and apparently this wasn't one of them. He couldn't pretend he would be okay if this didn't happen-- because he wouldn't be okay. "Not because you're horny. Not because you figured 'why not'. I need you to mean it."
"Of course I'll mean it," he said, his voice soft like this was a private thing between the two of them. It had to do with Lily too, but Sirius didn't mind that as much as he thought he would. "Look, I..." James reached out, resting his hand on Sirius's arm. His touch was light and warm, and Sirius wanted to lean into it. "I know that I sort of sprang all this on you. You've only ever thought of me as your best mate, and then I'm asking for you think of me in a completely new way."
Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. "That's not- Merlin, James that's not the problem. I swear it's not."
"Then what is it?"
"You and Lily... you're a couple, y'know?"
"No," James said quietly. "I don't know what you mean by that. Yeah, we're together. We've been together for a while, now."
Sirius let out a ragged breath and opened his eyes again, relieved that he wasn't crying. "You're a couple. You know how to be with each other, and now I'm supposed to jump in and figure it out?"
"It'll be new for us too," James said. He was still touching Sirius's arm. "We know that you're not going to slide right in like nothing's changed, but we're willing to put in that effort. I think we could all be pretty damn great together if we gave it a try. I know that you already agreed and that we're going to take it slow, but I wanted to make sure you're doing okay. Are you sure about this? I- I want to date you, Sirius, but not if it's going to upset you this much."
"No," Sirius said. As much as the idea of trying terrified him, he was more scared by the idea of not trying at all now that he'd agreed. "It'll... be a bit odd, sure, but we can... I mean, no harm in trying, right?"
James started to smile. "Exactly." Slowly, so that Sirius could stop him if he wanted to, he pulled him into a hug. "You don't- you don't have to pack up all my stuff. If you don't want to. No point in me moving all the way out if we're spending all that extra time together, right?"
Sirius gave a small nod, hands fisted in the back of James's shirt.
"I should probably leave you alone," James said. "I'm sure you had something planned today."
Did wallowing in misery count? "Yeah," he said noncommittally.
"Okay." James gave him a squeeze, and when he pulled back, he brushed a kiss to Sirius's cheek, catching the corner of his lips-- which had been intentional. So quick and light against Sirius's skin that it almost might've not happened were Sirius not so aware of him. Where his lips had touched was like a brand of heat against him, and even if he rubbed at it, he knew that the sensation wouldn't be gone from his memory so easily. "Me and Lily will see when we get back, yeah?"
Sirius nodded, and James smiled at him.
"Great."
He still felt like a wreck. He still worried that maybe this was something they were horribly confused about, and when they got home from their honeymoon, they would have to break it to him that they weren't interested anymore. The hope in his belly wouldn't be so easily quashed by the what-if's running through his brain though, not with James looking at him like he was his entire universe right now. For the first time in a long time, his hope was actually something he enjoyed instead of an emotion he dreaded because it always preceded disappointment that destroyed him. This hope was good. It actually made him feel better, like he had something to look forward to. "Great," Sirius echoed, and he sort of meant it.
James's smile widened. "Can I kiss you, or is that too fast?"
"Bit fast," Sirius responded with a crooked smile. He couldn't give James a quick kiss now and send him on his way. He needed time to think, and clinging to James wasn't going to give him the space for that.
"Alright," James said easily. "See you soon."
Epilogue
"Are you two ever going to get up?" James asked.
"No," Lily said. She was still in bed, but she was considerably more awake than Sirius-- he'd been absolutely shattered yesterday, barely managing to get his clothes off before collapsing. For her part, Lily liked having a lie in, even if she wasn't doing anything extra with it. A few months ago, a lie in with Sirius would've meant sex for sure, but she rather liked the domestic turn their relationship had taken now that they were all more comfortable with each other. "Look at him, he's still exhausted."
"And that means you have to stay too?" James asked, a smile quirking at his lips.
"Obviously," Sirius mumbled. He was barely awake enough to say it, and it came out more as a mumble than an enunciated word.
"Does that mean it's a bad time to remind you that you have plans with the girls?" James asked Lily.
She jolted up. "Bugger. I completely forgot." She jumped out of bed, leaving Sirius to grumble. She ran around the room, quickly grabbing new clothes and pulling them on. She ran her fingers through her hair and turned to James hopefully. "Good?"
"You might want to pull it back," he admitted. While he didn't care how much or little of a mess her hair looked, he knew that she had higher standards for herself.
"Got it," she said. She bent down to press a quick kiss to Sirius's cheek-- who muttered, "Traitor," sleepily-- then ran over to James and did the same. "Bye! Love you!"
"Love you too!" James called, and Sirius said the same, only his was a mumble so she didn't hear it. "Sirius loves you too!"
Sirius hummed, rolling into the space where Lily had just been, pulling her pillow into his face. "You took away my bed partner," he said, giving James a half-lidded glare.
"As your other bed partner, I think you'll forgive me."
"Well you're not my other bed partner right now, are you? So shut it."
"You're grumpy when you're tired," James noted. He'd known that from their years at Hogwarts, and it had been rather thoroughly hammered in when they shared a flat after graduating. It still shocked him sometimes, though-- that Sirius was here, with him and Lily, fitting so neatly between them that it was like he'd been there all along. Still, he crawled into the bed next to him, putting an arm over his hips and pressing his forehead against the top of Sirius's spine. "Better?"
"It'd be more enjoyable if you weren't so bloody cold," Sirius said, squirming a little.
James grabbed the extra blanket and threw it over him. "Now?"
"Getting there."
James chuckled. "Love you."
"Shut it and let me sleep," Sirius groused. Then, a minute later, he whispered, "I love you too." He didn't tense up like he used to. It used to be that when he said it, his shoulders would hunch in like he was afraid he'd be mocked. Like he was afraid they wouldn't want to hear it. That didn't happen this time. He stayed loose. He was relaxed, if not completely happy with having his lazy morning so rudely interrupted by the reminder that Lily'd had plans.
James grinned and said nothing. He could never hear that enough. He knew that he'd said it first, but he still had the urge to say it again. "I love you so bloody much."
"Stop trying to one-up me."
"Life is a competition, and I'm winning," James declared.
"How's that?" Sirius asked, yawning.
"I've got a job I love, a great broom, and my two most favourite people in the entire world that love me as much as I love them. Sounds like I'm winning rather handedly, to me."
"By that criteria, you're probably the only one winning other than Lils."
"You could be winning too if you'd let me buy you a broom instead of hauling that motorbike of yours around."
"I'm trying to sleep."
"Sorry," James said, tilting his head to press a kiss to the back of Sirius's neck.