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It was 6 pm and a relative hush had fallen over the transition office which had been bustling just a mere hour before. The upcoming Thanksgiving holiday along with the strain of breakneck hiring had pushed many non-essential staff out the door promptly at 5. Now just a few staffers milled about outside the glass walls of Josh’s office where he and Sam sat among call sheets so thick they looked like briefing books.
“So… Donna?” The tone in Sam’s voice conveyed equal parts curiosity and amusement, it was a jocular nudging that Josh hadn’t been on the receiving end of from anyone but the President Elect in what felt like years.
“Yeah, I…ah…I guess so,” Josh returned somewhat absently as he watched Ronna pack up for the night just outside of his office door.
“How’d you land that?” Sam asked as he took a swig of his beer. To celebrate his first day back from vacation, which mostly involved a briefing with the President Elect and Barry Goodwin and digging out of his email (the call sheets, they decided, could wait), he and Sam had kicked back in his office with a few bottles of beer pilfered from the office kitchenette after their late afternoon catch up.
“I honestly have no idea,” Josh said returning his attention to Sam and scratching at the graying stubble on his chin. It had been many years since he and Sam had routinely congratulated each other for wearing the same suit for two days in a row and Josh found himself feeling particularly out of practice at the fraternal boasting that typically had accompanied it.
“For someone who is typically so in touch with his ego that was a remarkably self-aware statement.”
“What can I say? Age mellows a guy.”
“You didn’t look very mellow when I walked in on you tearing Otto a new asshole a week ago,” Sam pointed out flatly.
“Ok so my ego has mellowed in the context of romance. I mean, seriously Sam, you already pointed out the hairline and the pallor, although Hawaii helped that. But there’s an age difference too. There’s not a lot of room for ego here.”
“Maybe she likes the older, wiser men.”
“Maybe. I just worry that I’m gonna let her down.”
“Let her down? Josh, she pretty much knows you better than you know yourself. She’s probably already calculated the various and sundry ways you can and will screw this up and game-planned all of them.”
“Well that’s true, although we were pretty out of synch there for a bit…” Josh trailed off for a moment as he thought of their time on the campaign trail. “I just mean I’m getting older. I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with her.”
“Oh God, have you let her down already?” Sam stilled and his face turned serious as it contorted into a look that Josh recognized as the look of grave concern one gets when one fears his friend might be about to confess an egregious act of sexual failure. The look that in Sam’s case was one-part pity, one-part genuine concern and one-part absolute self-smacking satisfaction over never having had to admit that he had failed in the same area. Because, let’s face it, even a prostitute had wanted to sleep with Sam. Repeatedly.
“No! Jesus, Sam I know how to satisfy a woman!”
Sam’s only response was a wry smirk and a gentle “are you sure” shrug.
“I assure you, she’s been satisfied. I mean, from what I can tell. And if she wasn’t, actually, more to the point, why would she be initiating sex as often as she is….if I was leaving her unsatisfied,” Josh defended a little too vehemently for the paper-thin metal door on his office.
Sam raised an eye brow. “She’s initiated all your sexual encounters? Like in your entire relationship?” he questioned reading further into what Josh had said than what he’d actually said in real words.
“Well that side of our relationship is only like 3 weeks old. But seriously, Sam, she’s insatiable. I’ve never experienced it before.” Josh got a dreamy look on his face as he described it. “It’s incredible, but I just, I’m worried that pretty soon she’s going to realize I’m just along for the ride. I can’t turn it on like I used to, you know.”
Sam nodded, “well you’re getting older my friend. These things happen with age. I mean, not with me. But…”
“To be clear it’s not like I can’t get it up,” Josh cut in quickly. “I just, it takes more recovery or maybe just more effort to get there. Sometimes a little finesse.”
“She doesn’t have the right touch?”
“She shouldn’t have to have the right touch!” Josh cried. “I feel like the stereotypical woman. Hot and cold, but mostly cold. I have a hot, young, very flexible girlfriend and my dick actually has to be talked into sex. Whereas my woman seems to be able to turn it on like a light switch, which is not a problem except that it could become a problem because for reasons unbeknownst to me she’s picked me.”
“Well, she’s always been a little different, Donna has been,” Sam remarked, choosing that to be the safest response to Josh’s rather graphic admission.
“Hey!” Josh whined defensively. Donna, Sam noted, had clearly moved back to the untouchable zone she’d previously reigned in Josh’s life.
“Calm down, I was kidding. She’s my friend, too. Are you asking for advice?”
“No! Yes? I mean, I don’t know. God Sam, this is now how I thought this conversation would go.”
“Because, I mean, anything that will help Donna keep you in line…”
Josh’s features softened as he allowed himself to remember that Donna was more than just a passing acquaintance to Sam. In fact, in their days of working together Sam and Donna had been quite close. If anyone could help champion his relationship with Donna, Josh reasoned, it’d be Sam, which is why he’d even felt comfortable enough to discuss the personal insecurities that had been eating away at his once carnal thoughts.
“Clean living, healthful eating, regular exercise and maca root powder,” Sam listed, breaking Josh out of his reverie.
Josh mentally reviewed Sam’s list of recommendations. Clean living? He didn’t smoke and certainly didn’t drink much except a beer here or there and something harder only on special occasions. Aside from less stress and regular sleep, which didn’t seem compatible with his chosen profession, there wasn’t much more he could do on that front.
Donna was already working on the healthful eating. She’d found a way to encourage him to eat more vegetables than he’d ever thought possible in the past few weeks and with no end in sight on that since it’d been a years-long campaign on her part.
And as for regular exercise, well he’d actually come to that conclusion himself just a few short days into his relationship with Donna when his thigh muscles had damn near threatened to buckle on him during one of their more enthusiastic love making sessions. Since then, he’d been good about actually getting on the treadmill in his living room -- finally freeing it of its doomed existence to hang shirts just back from the dry cleaner. The first few days had sucked, but he reminded himself that anything that might help his performance in the bedroom was worth the effort. Two weeks into his new early morning jogging routine and he was already feeling steadier on his feet.
That left maca root powder.
“Maca root powder? The hell is that?” he asked.
Sam reached over to a pad of post-its on the desk and carefully spelled it out in capital letters on the top sheet.
“Maca root powder. Take this to the health food store near your house,” he said confidently handing Josh the post-it he’d just written on. “They’ll have it. I assure you, it’s what you need.”
----
“Can I help you?”
The clerk looked about 20 with several faded acne scars and curiously styled hair which was positioned carefully to conceal his prominent forehead. His nametag, which hung precariously from oversized vest emblazoned with the name of the health food store, read “Cliff.” Although he was wont to immediately send the clerk away, something about the young man’s smile prevented Josh from dismissing him outright.
“A friend suggested I get this to help with energy and stamina,” Josh said, turning the bottle of maca root supplements slightly so the clerk could read the bottle.
“Oh, maca root. Yes, definitely helpful for energy and stamina. Also for the libido and sperm count.” He said the last bit in a slightly lower, quieter tone. He also might have winked.
“So, does the libido thing, is it really true? I mean, I’m asking for a friend of course,” Josh stuttered.
“Yeah, man, I think it does. I recommended it to a couple older customers and they’ve been back with great reviews. Granted it’s mostly been women, but I think it works on men too. Something I read said it either encourages your body to produce more testosterone or encourages the receptors in your body to sense it more. Although, that’s a good question. Have you had your doctor check your testosterone levels? I mean it goes down with age, but if it’s a little too low they have supplements for that, too.”
“Um, no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my testosterone level. I just have a really important, stressful job and a friend suggested this,” Josh snapped more defensively than he intended.
“Well I think this could help with that then. I mean, it could always just be a placebo effect, but if it is, it’s one that seems to work for my customers. Several of them even reported losing weight because it gives them the energy they need to work out for longer,” he added, while eyeing Josh’s waistline.
Maybe a placebo would be good enough Josh thought to himself as he recalled an encounter with Donna about two weeks prior. I’d been their first prolonged daytime rendezvous and, as he’d stood before her naked in the daylight for the first time, she’d noticed him shifting nervously.
“It’s just, this is the first time you’ve, you know, seen the whole package,” he explained before she asked.
“I’ve seen it before Josh,” she said without emotion as she pushed him back onto the bed.
“Right, but the last few times it was dark or we were under the covers. I wasn’t, ah, on full display.”
“No, I mean, even before that. I saw it when you were, you know, recovering.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the rest. He couldn’t blame her; gunshot wounds weren’t very sexy.
“My penis has grown since then,” he’d said in response. It had just slipped out, a throw away comment designed to diffuse the tension, not at all meant to be pillow talk.
She’d raised an eye brow. “I’d say,” she purred as her eyes roamed downward to the member in question, still only half-erect even under her seductive gaze. That made him feel even more morose. Just a few years earlier he would have been hard as a rock before his socks even came off and a look like that would have put him over the edge.
Maybe this was just all in his head. It wasn’t that he was concerned about his technique. Josh had had plenty of experience with sex and, even though it wasn’t terribly recent experience, sexual technique was kind of like riding a bike, not something you forgot. Yeah, he thought, revving himself up. Maybe he was just self-conscious due to the mixture of his dissatisfaction with the way he was physically aging and his new relationship with Donna. She always did have a way of knocking down his ego whether intentionally or not. Maybe a placebo was just what he needed. A golden pill that could help give him his confidence back.
“Actually, maybe you can help me,” he said turning back to the clerk. “Can you tell me, do you know if there are any side effects that would be bad for someone with a heart condition?”
“Oh, with maca root? Hmm,” Cliff murmured as he reviewed the back of the bottle. “It doesn’t indicate there are any contraindications with heart conditions. Just pregnancy and breastfeeding. I’m sorry, I’d say it’s probably fine, but I’d have to recommend you call your cardiologist to be sure.”
His cardiologist? Who was his cardiologist? Donna would know. But if he asked her then he’d also have to admit he hadn’t followed up with his cardiologist since she was his assistant. Also, asking her could possibly send the wrong message about the role he wanted her to play in his life. He wasn’t sure he wanted to go there quite yet.
He smiled queasily at Cliff. “Ok, I guess I’ll get the small bottle then. I can always give the rest to my buddy if it turns out I can’t take it.”
----
Josh tapped his leg insistently as he waited for the phone line to engage. It was a nervous habit he’d never grown out of. It wasn’t that he was nervous about making this phone call, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable either. He heard the line click.
“Hello?”
“Hey Dr. B? I was wondering if you had a minute.”
“Josh?” her voice was strained with mild concern. “Aren’t you very busy hiring for a new administration right now? Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, yeah, very busy, but yeah everything’s fine. I, ah, I just needed a little medical advice.”
“Ok? Eat right, get regular exercise and cut back on stress and coffee.”
Josh smiled in spite of himself. “My reputation precedes me.”
“Josh, it’s not your reputation, it’s cold hard facts. I saw you at Leo’s funeral and it looked like you were working yourself into an early grave.”
Josh winced at the admittedly not untrue characterization. “Yeah well Sam and Donna have beat you to it. He made me take a vacation and she’s got me eating more vegetables than Woody Harrelson.”
“That’s good, but it’s up to you to keep it up. You’re a grown man. Now what did you actually need?”
“Oh, I want to know if it’s safe to take a specific supplement with my cardiac history.”
“Sure, let me get my books, which one?”
“Maca or maca root.”
“Maca root?”
“Yeah, someone suggested I take it for energy and…stuff.”
“Oh, this is that Peruvian herb that got popular a few years ago because that reality tv celebrity was taking it. If I recall,” he could hear her clacking something in a keyboard, “they actually did a few very small studies that showed that it actually might improve libido, fertility and sexual stamina. Ah, yes, here it is…” she paused for a moment and Josh could imagine her on the other end of the phone line as she was stopping to read. “So, is there someone new you’re trying to impress Josh?”
Josh coughed. “I, ah, she’s not new. You remember Donna Moss, ma’am?”
“Donna, your former assistant Donna?”
“Ma’am, it’s… it’s not like that you see.”
“Josh, nothing about that question says you’re anything more than a gentleman. You two worked together for a long time, no one is suggesting you’re taking advantage of her. In fact, it appears by your inquiry that things may be the other way around.”
Josh breathed an audible sigh of relief. He certainly knew he wasn’t taking advantage of anything with his relationship with Donna, but he still felt like it might be an uphill struggle to convince others. He was nothing if not aware of the rumors that had been swirling for years about their relationship.
“Josh?” The former first lady’s prodding brough him back to the conversation and the long silence that had taken over the phone line when he hadn’t actually responded to her last statement with words. “And how is our favorite Canadian?”
“Good, good, she’s um, good, actually, great. She’s great.” His voice had taken on a strange soprano pitch that was remarkably unbecoming for a man in his position of power.
“Ah, but it sounds like you’d like to be assured that she’s always great and not just good.”
“Um, you could say that, ma’am.”
“Josh, if you’re having trouble maintaining an erection there are things your doctor can do for that.”
Josh felt himself flush. “That’s not exactly the problem, ma’am. Things, uh, stay up just fine when they’re ready to, uh, stay up. But you see she’s younger than me and, as you so bluntly put it, I’m not exactly in my prime anymore.”
“Ah, well you know that it’s normal for men of a certain age to take more time to recover after ejaculation. Especially with a cardiac event in their history, the refractory period can sometimes be 2-3 days. If that’s a problem for her, you know there are always things you can do that don’t involve the traditional sex act. She may even find it more satisfying. Women like a certain amount of attention paid to their needs without want of reciprocation. It’s not all about the finish, you see. Most women find oral and digital stimulation…”
Josh cleared his throat cutting her off. “Ma’am, not that I don’t appreciate your advice here. I mean, I’m calling for you advice, it’s just that, this uh—"
“What an old lady can’t talk about sex?”
“Oh no, I’d never presume you’re not an expert in matters such as these.” If it was possible his voice was even higher than before. At this rate he was going to be paying for new windows in his office. “It’s just that perhaps I should be discussing what she does or doesn’t like, in this, uh, area with her instead of with you. You know, trying to be a gentleman and all.”
Abbey laughed. “Always were a politician, weren’t you? Anyway, back to your original question. From what I can see here there haven’t been too many really conclusive studies on maca that have noted any cardiac contraindications. One said it lowered blood pressure, one said it raised blood pressure but only if taken in large doses. Then again, if the libido effects really are true that probably could have an effect on your blood pressure. I’d say it’s probably safe as long as you’re eating well, getting regular exercise – and I’m not just talking about regular sex – and taking a reasonable dose of say 1500 mg, definitely no more than 3,000 mg per day.”
“Ok, thanks Dr. B.”
“Josh, if you want my advice, try to reduce your stress. While meditation might be helpful, it’s hard to get in the mood when you’re thinking about nuclear war in Kazakhstan.”
“Well if you aren’t right about that,” he muttered in agreement.
“I know I am. Good luck Josh and tell Donna hello for me.”
“I will, thanks again,” he said and then he heard the line click dead.
Following the phone call, Josh allowed himself a few moments to stare into space and collect his thoughts. It had been an awkward conversation, sure, but he knew he could trust Dr. Bartlet and the information she provided him in ways he couldn’t trust others. Then he smiled to himself as he reached into his backpack for the pill bottle he’d procured the prior day, checked the dosage and took a pill. Even if he couldn’t prevent nuclear war in Kazakhstan, he could take charge in his own bedroom and that had to count for some stress relief, right?
----
The next few weeks had been strange, starting with the Thanksgiving holiday. Josh had promised his mother three days in Florida and Donna had ensured he’d upheld his end of the promise. She’d also begged off his insistence that she accompany him, reminding him that while she’d had a phone relationship with his mother for years, showing up to Thanksgiving dinner with a surprise girlfriend at the age of 45 was in no one’s best interest even if one has a Jewish mother who will be thrilled at the prospect that her son might actually settle down with a woman after all these years.
Besides, Donna reminded him that she’d already promised to help CJ cook a much-anticipated Turkey Day meal for Danny and his sister. As CJ wasn’t much of a cook, Donna worried for the dinner guests without her considerable oversight.
Begrudgingly Josh went alone and, as he was alone with new-found time for introspection, he spent hours looking for any improvement in his “condition” since he’d begun taking the supplements earlier that week.
He did notice that he seemed to have more endurance on his twice daily jogs around the retirement community, although that could have just been due to the novel scenery. It was hard not to have his running ego stoked by all the attention he got from the female residents the first time he jogged without his shirt on.
As for any other effects, well he didn’t notice them. Being around his mother and her friends would have effectively killed any libido he would have had otherwise he reasoned. A conclusion he cemented at Thanksgiving dinner when he’d met, for the first time, her new gentleman caller, Mort.
Mort, as it turned out, had been perfectly nice. But the thought of someone taking his mother out on romantic dates to the local seafood joint still felt uncomfortable even though it had been almost 8 years since his father, her husband of more than 40 years, had passed away.
That night, after Mort had left, as they finished washing the dishes together, Josh attempted to make conversation with his mother about it.
“So, what’s the deal with Mort?”
“Well, I thought it was obvious. He’s my boyfriend, has been for a few months now.”
“What do you need a boyfriend for anyway?” Josh couldn’t help but feel a sense of deja vu at the question, as if it was 5 years ago and he was back in his operations bullpen questioning Donna’s taste in men all over again except this time it was his mother and due to an entirely different type of jealousy.
“Well for lots of reasons. Companionship being one of them,” she’d responded tartly.
“Mom, you have plenty of friends.”
She gave him a look that suggested he wasn’t thinking about the situation from all angles.
As the realization of what she meant dawned on him his face turned to a look of disgust. “But you’re 75?!”
“And what, you think I should be put out to pasture? People my age deserve sexual satisfaction too, Joshua.”
“I thought that stuff stopped working at a certain age,” he huffed.
“Maybe for men, but not for women. And, it may be news to you, Joshua, but men can still reach, how should you say, satisfaction without the specifics of what you so bluntly pointed out stops working. The two things work independently of one another. You’re no spring chicken yourself. I thought you’d know that by now.”
Josh felt his face flush red. He’d never more wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole so much as he did right then.
“Jesus, I don’t know why everyone keeps getting on me about this. I’m good. Ask my girlfriend, she has no complaints,” he muttered angrily. “Actually, on second thought that’s weird, don’t do that.”
“Your girlfriend, Joshua?”
“Yeah, I, ah, I’ve been seeing someone. Although I don’t know if she’d like me calling her my girlfriend. We haven’t really discussed the nomenclature portion of our relationship yet.”
“Well what is the nature of your relationship then?” He’d been questioned by Congress on live TV under threat of criminal perjury and obstruction charges and yet suddenly the memory of that trying time felt less high stakes than the interrogation he was currently facing.
“Um, companionship?” he’d offered up meekly.
His mother gave him an amused look. “Well I’d love to know more about her when you’re feeling more confident in your relationship.”
Seemingly satisfied that he was appropriately chastened, she’d then changed the subject to something more polite and hadn’t brought it up again for the duration of his stay.
When he returned home from his trip, definitely scarred for life, he found that his fears over being ready to keep up in the bedroom were perhaps misplaced. For a full week Donna seemed like an apparition in his life much less in his bed. She had her own staffing to do, she reminded him over lunch in his office a few days after he’d returned. And an apartment to find. And she was even toying with enrolling in the Spring semester at Georgetown to finally finish off her long-neglected degree. All that on top of Christmas shopping for her entire extended family and starting Mrs. Santos off on the right foot during transition which included helping vet nannies for the children. And, well, she concluded, she was in for a very busy couple months before the inauguration at the end of January. Suddenly Josh wasn’t worried about being ready for her when she showed up at his door, but rather when she would have time to see him at all. He wondered if this is how she’d felt before he’d hired Sam and they went on his mandatory vacation - like she was only granted the scraps - and if that’s why she’d come to him at the odd hours and in the odd ways she had. He wondered how long it would be before he’d be reduced to the same behavior.
He spent several lonely nights fretting over the issue. He longed to call her and almost did, but Donna’d seemed so frazzled about the volume of work on her plate that he didn’t want to add his neediness to her list of Many Things That Need Attention. Besides, they still saw each other every day at the office and, even if they had to keep it more professional, they’d both found small ways to express their affection, which reassured him that the bloom hadn’t already fallen off the rose.
Instead he spent his time alone at night doing research. He had found many online articles about his “problem” and it seemed the advice his friends had given him was, by and large, the best advice. During the course of his research he had also accidentally confirmed that what his mother told him about her elderly lover was also true. Although with the decrease in libido that he was already feeling at only 45, he didn’t really understand why evolution even bothered to allow a man to have an orgasm without an erection anyway.
But, in the one area of good news, he was feeling a little lift on that front, literally. On a few of those lonely nights, as he found himself hoping she’d knock on his door, he’d felt a little unprovoked stirring in his undershorts. Was it the supplements he wondered? Maybe it was just absence making the heart grow fonder. Or, as Dr. Bartlet had suggested, the reduction in stress. The addition of Sam to his staff meant that he finally felt comfortable delegating some of the more minor decisions that had kept him mainlining caffeine and the holidays had put a pause on many of the more major hiring decisions that hadn’t yet been completed.
He was about to take matters into his own hands, literally before Donna surprised him and showed up at his apartment around dinner time on the first of December.
After he let her in, she shed her coat and purse by his door, asking him conversationally if he’d had dinner because she was starving, but it was all he could do to keep his hands from immediately undressing her. Fifteen minutes later they’d neither agreed on dinner nor gotten further than his couch.
“I missed you,” he breathed as he kissed the column of her neck.
“I told you, I was busy,” she paused for a sigh as he reached a particularly sensitive spot behind her ear. “But, we made considerable progress. I think we have a suitable full-time nanny and two part time nanny back-ups. And, I stole Annabeth from you and she’s going to help with the lower tier hiring,” she said as she leaned in to his touch.
“I can live with that if that means more time with you,” he said distractedly as his fingers slowly unbuttoned her shirt and his lips grazed the new skin uncovered in their wake.
“And as it turns out, I missed the deadline for registering for spring semester at Georgetown, which is probably just as well, because the first 100 days will be, well, the first 100 days.”
“This is true,” he agreed as he pushed her bra strap down her shoulder and nipped lightly at her newly exposed collarbone.
“But, I still have a lot of work do on apartment hunting. CJ said she could renew her lease for me, but there’s no way I could make that payment, even on my new salary. I don’t have the nest egg CJ had from years doing PR in the private sector and I need a new car and I’ll just accrue even more debt if I seriously want to consider going back to school to finish my degree. Georgetown is prestigious but expensive-”
“Why don’t you stop looking for apartment and just move in here?” he was as surprised at the words as she was. He felt her stiffen slightly so he pulled his lips away and looked up at her to better gauge her reaction before adding, “I mean, if it will simplify things for you.”
She nodded, her eyes were still wide. “Um, I’m not sure what to say to that.”
“I missed you this past week,” he said simply, as if it explained his sudden invitation to cohabitate.
She laughed at him. “I saw you every day at work.”
“I know, but that wasn’t enough.”
“I was on my period, Josh. As comfortable as I am with you, there are some places I figured you’d want me to draw the line.”
“I mean, not even just for sex.”
She quirked an eyebrow. “I thought you liked all the sex. In fact, for a while there that was the only reason I had an excuse to see you off work hours.”
“Ok, so I’m not articulating myself very well. What I meant was that I’d like for us to be able to spend time together outside of work just being together. Eating dinner, mocking people on tv, just together. We spent an entire week on vacation and even before that we were so close,” he paused as he noticed her eyes looking misty. “Then suddenly you were gone. Staying away out of some misguided notion that if you weren’t available for sex I wouldn’t want to see you. But I did want to see you. I just missed you, ok.”
“You missed me so you asked me to move in with you?” she giggled nervously. “Did you really just do that?”
“Yeah, I, ah, I guess I did,” he answered as he scratched the back of his head. Then he looked up at her and grinned, a big, full dimpled grin, as if he too was processing the absurdity of his request or perhaps the absurdity of the fact that he didn’t want to take it back.
“Was that a serious offer?” her voice was hopeful, but Josh noted that her face registered uncertainty and perhaps even a slight bit of fear. Although, why she was fearful he couldn’t quite understand.
“Yeah,” he breathed quietly.
She blinked and sat up. It was as if he could see her mind spooling up. “Are we at that point in our relationship? I mean, do we even have a relationship other than just, well, this?” she said gesturing to her shirt which had been fully unbuttoned and was now gaping open to reveal her bra. “Because I got to tell you Josh, I know I said we didn’t have to have the talk and Hawaii was a grand gesture you used to indicate you were prioritizing me, but I was letting you take the lead on defining this….or not… and thus far you seemed to be taking the not defining it route. Moving in together seems, well, contrary to that.” Josh noted that she was rambling, which he identified as something she did when flustered.
Was he defining their relationship? If anything, the prior week had made clear that he didn’t want to spend time apart from her.
“You said it yourself, I’m bad at this. Definitely worse than you. Should we be defining our relationship? Do you want to call me your boyfriend? Are you my girlfriend? Do you want me to promise we’re going to be exclusive? I mean, I didn’t think this was just casual sex.”
Donna took a deep breath and absent mindedly fingered one of the buttons on her shirt. “Well, that’s certainly a start. Typically, when one defines a relationship, they do discuss relationship desires, long-term goals and deal-breakers. If those are agreed on then you work into the finer details. Where you live, who pays the bills, how often you see each other and what you do when you are together. You’d probably also want to discuss what constitutes the success of the relationship including how often you’re intimate, birth control, or lack thereof and ultimately a timeline on…relationship milestones.”
He noted she was careful not to say marriage and children as if she might frighten him off the conversation.
“God Donna,” he sighed, “if this thing has taught me anything it’s that I have no idea about most of that. One moment the only goal I have in my life is getting someone elected president and now, 4 weeks later all I can think about is the next time you might knock on my door at night. I haven’t thought about a relationship or kids or anything like that for years. I have no idea what I want or don’t want or what’s practical and what isn’t. All I know is that the moment Sam kicked me out of my office and told me to go relax on a beach somewhere I couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone but you. There’s no one else but you. I have wanted to spend every waking minute I have with you as far back as I can remember. If that means I want you to live with me, then please consider this my request for you to move in. I’m a terrible roommate, but I think you already know what you’re getting into on that front.”
His declaration earned him a smile -- a wide smile. “I don’t want to be your roommate Josh,” she said slowly, shaking her head, but still smiling.
If her body language had been any different Josh might have been hurt by her words, but he recognized the look in her eyes as lustful bordering on predatory. He pulled her up off the couch. It was time to relocate.
At least they’d made it to the bed was all he could think as his pants, victim to her nimble fingers, hit the floor followed shortly by his head hitting his pillow.
Unfortunately, the afterglow hadn’t yet worn off before something happened that had Josh feeling the familiar pang of insecurity he’d had the past couple weeks. He was lying on the bed fully sated after having just disposed of the condom. Donna had gone to use the bathroom and had flopped back down next to him and began stroking him again, gently. He propped his head up and watched her for a long moment before she turned to him and smiled deviously.
“I, uh,” he flopped his head back down on the pillow and took a deep breath to help push through the discomfort he had over the matter at hand. “If you need more, I can help you with that in some other way, but it’s going to be a while before I can go again. Probably tomorrow if I’m honest.”
There, he thought, he’d said it. He’d admitted what he’d feared all this time. That he couldn’t keep up with her in the bedroom. He found himself squinting at the ceiling and holding his breath while waiting for her to respond.
“Oh,” she said and her hand stilled. She patted his penis lightly and said, “Ok. Maybe tomorrow.” Then she laid her head in the crook of his arm and put her hand over his heart.
Josh wasn’t sure what reaction he would have wanted to his admission really, but now he cursed whatever impulse he’d had that told him it would be dishonest to take Dr. Bartlet’s advice and distract Donna with several of her own orgasms in the hope that she wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t getting hard again tonight.
“God, this whole time I’ve been so worried that I would let you down because I couldn’t keep up with your sex drive and now I’ve finally gone and done it. What a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy,” he cursed ruefully.
“You’re worried about letting me down?” She said as she propped herself up on her elbow to look at him again. He noted a look of genuine concern on her face. Possibly also confusion.
“Yeah, I’m just, I’m not as young as I used to be. Things like this take a little more effort and time at a certain age and well, I think you just hit my limit,” Josh admitted since it was clear he was now in the conversation for the long haul.
“Have I, have I been too demanding?” He noted that she looked entirely crestfallen. All traces of the confident woman who had been taking him to bed those past few weeks were gone and in her place was a version of the Donna he remembered from their very early years working together. The one he’d fallen in love with all those years ago.
“What?” Now Josh was confused.
“Oh God, this is all my fault.” She buried her face in her hands and threw her head back on the pillow.
“Wait, why is this all your fault?” He was alarmed and he estimated he looked so, except Donna wasn’t looking at him.
“Because good girls don’t like sex. Sluts aren’t relationship material. Girls that are too easy wear men out, we suck them dry. Men thrive on the chase and I give it up too easily. You’re not even interested anymore.”
“First, I can assure you, this is an age thing and not a desire thing. Second, do you honestly believe any of that or are you just recounting all of the things you were told as a teenager to scare you off having sex?”
“No, they scare you off having sex by telling you that you will get pregnant or get some horrible venereal disease that will make you forever marred…down there.”
“And I take it you’re not worried about those now because, I’ve got to say, I’ve never been with a woman like you before.” He reached out and tenderly tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear as he said it.
She blushed, “Not so much, no. I know you’re clean and even if you weren’t, they make medicine for that. And, at 45 the chance of you accidentally getting me pregnant is pretty low.”
“Huh?”
“Sperm count and motility start dropping in your late 30s. It’s not to say you couldn’t get me pregnant, just, it would probably take more than an accident. Besides, even if you did get me pregnant, I made it through my twenties without getting pregnant out of wedlock so I’ve at least proved I know how birth control works. At this point in my life if I got pregnant it would be framed more as a life choice and I’m ok with that.”
“So, wait, are you saying I can stop using a condom?” He couldn’t quite school the glee from his voice.
“Well, I don’t know that I’d go that far there, buddy.” She emphasized her words by poking him in the side. “I’m only 33, I’ve still got a few years in me, and it’s not like you aren’t fertile either. Just probably less than you were a few years ago.”
“Ok, so if I can pull out instead of wearing a condom.”
“You really want to roll the dice on that?” she asked as she scrunched up her face.
He shrugged. “A kid would be nice. Maybe two. I am getting old as you so nicely put it, so it’s kind of feeling like a now or never kind of thing.”
“That’s a big commitment Josh. I mean, I’m not saying I’ve never dreamt of having kids, but that’s like a big long-term commitment.”
“Sure it is, but it’s not like we haven’t had a commitment to each other for the past 10 years. Maybe not romantically, but definitely in other ways that have proved to me that our relationship could definitely withstand children. Plus, you’ve mentioned wanting kids several times in the past. I know you want them. And I definitely know enough about you to know you’d make a wonderful mother.”
His comment earned him another smile. “Besides, based on the statistics you’ve clearly done research into, it’d probably take a while and maybe not happen at all. Although, who knows given that we’ve had far more ‘practice’ in 4 weeks than I think I’ve ever had with any of my other relationships – at least frequency-wise so it’s not like we haven’t primed the pump a little bit.”
“Jesus, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation,” she said breathlessly as she put her hand to her head.
“Why?” he asked genuinely, pulling her hand down so he could see her face.
“Well, I spent a lot of my 20s mildly traumatized about the idea of sex. I mean finding the right partner, the fear of getting pregnant before I was ready, shedding all the societal and religious baggage I had over it. I also spent a lot of my 20s fantasizing about what you’d be like as a partner.” She looked at him under her lashes at that admission. “The feelings and memories are just kind of co-mingling is all.”
Josh raised his eye brows at her suggestively.
“Shut up,” she said smacking him lightly. “Yeah, I meant that way. But also, just, you know, just dreaming what you’d be like as a partner. Lying here, in your bed, on your ugly comforter, actually talking about a long-term commitment like kids. It’s blowing my mind a little.”
“Well, we’ll be revisiting those other fantasies later, I assure you.”
She smiled. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She tried to make her voice sound taunting, but to his trained ear it sounded subtly shy and nonetheless incredibly seductive.
“For fuck’s sake Donna, how can you say something like that in that tone and also tell me you spent a decade of your formative years traumatized over the idea of sex?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never been like this before. Never. Honestly, it must be you that made me this way. I can’t get enough of you.”
“Wait, I made you this way? So, you’re not like this -- a sex goddess -- with other men?”
She blushed and shook her head. He felt his ego start to swell and along with that other parts of his anatomy.
“I think I just feel more comfortable with you than anyone else I’ve ever been with. I knew you already knew me and wouldn’t judge me for wanting to be with you in that way. We’d been flirting around the edge of it for like half our relationship.” She ran a fingertip along his jawline all the way to the shell of his ear. “It just feels natural to want you like that and to act on it. Plus, you were my fantasy in the bedroom for so long and well, you lived up to it, which I can’t say about most of my fantasies.”
Josh didn’t hear much more. He cut her off mid-sentence with a kiss and all subsequent thoughts left his brain along with most of his blood which had rushed south all on its own this time.