Chapter Text
The trailer park brought flashes of memory to the forefront of V's mind.
Beneath the vast open sky, along the endless miles of open desert—he recalled the clinking of beer bottles when the family gathered to celebrate by getting smashed out of their minds. The startling cough, rumble, and purr of his old Javelina. The crackling of the fire that wasn't so dissimilar to the tinnitus of the relic malfunctioning, burning out his neurons and replacing them with those fit to host the construct.
The trailer park reminded him of mostly happy things, comforting things that lessened the growing headache that pierced his skull. He could feel a cough coming on as his boots dragged across the dirt to a familiar trailer. One he'd only visited twice, but already felt at home with the family it housed.
The night was clear. Bright. Lit well enough that V was surprised it took so long for River to notice him from the porch. There was a belated sort of ache in V's chest when he realized it was probably nightmares keeping him up again. River worked too hard, worried too much. He deserved a little more rest than he allowed himself. It was this thought that had V reconsidering showing up at his place unannounced.
River didn't need to see him like this.
But V was selfish. He wanted to see River. They hadn't spent enough time together and it had been weeks since they messaged each other about having dinner again. A second meeting. Round two. Something.
V didn't have time to spare for this kind of shit, he knew this, the voice in his head was constantly reminding him. He should have told River from the start that he couldn't plan for the future. But V was selfish.
The screen tearing was starting up again, Kiroshis flashing with an error code and roiling V's gut. Pain. Stinging pain. Static.
Johnny was scarily quiet.
Arms were there to catch him when his knees buckled and he couldn't hold himself up anymore. The blood spraying from his lips as the coughing began stuck to the strands of hair making their way into his mouth, the red stark and perturbing against the pale blue curtain clinging to his forehead and cheeks.
He could feel the startup of a nosebleed coming.
"V! Hey, can you hear me?" A voice cut through the ringing in his ears and his pained groaning. "C'mon. Talk to me, Gorgeous." There was a slight tapping on his cheek that got a little firmer with each contact.
'Don't close your eyes' came a voice from somewhere beyond, then the tap tap tap of River's flesh hand against his cheek. That's fair. He could do that, stay awake while the attack passed.
"Wanted to see you." The words were strained as the static fizzled out and his optics refocused. Talking helped only the slightest bit. Mildly distracted from the pain, the imminent doom, his inevitable death, and replacement.
The attack was beginning to subside, the pain easing just slightly. His head was killing him. Fuck. The irony in that statement was fucking morbid.
"Like this? You came all this way like this?" And V may have been a little delirious but he could tell that River was just shy of panic. He usually spoke so softly, so quiet V could probably fall asleep to the man just talking about the weather. Now, River's voice was too loud in his ears. Shaking in a way that made V feel like an asshole for showing up in this condition.
"Nah... I don't drive while having a malfunction." He tried to laugh, but it only made his chest burn.
"I'm gonna get you some help," Unsurprisingly, it was easy for River to gather V up in his arms, tiny as he was. They were feet from River's truck when V lifted his arms to wrap around his neck, hoarsely mumbling into his collarbone.
"No. It's fine."
But River ignored him and threw open the passenger door, making quick work of settling V into the seat.
"River...Don't. I'm fine." V said more firmly, a little irked at being manhandled into the truck like a ragdoll.
River sighed, it was a heavy thing that tremored at the edges, but V was thankful that he paused fumbling around with the seatbelt to look him in the eye.
"You look like you're fucking dying, V." He wasn't yelling, River never raised his voice at V. But he wasn't zen either. There was an urgent question hanging up there with his words. Somewhere. And V knew what it was, but he couldn't rightly tell River the truth. Not yet.
"I wanted to see you," V told him instead, it was at least a truth, "I haven't had time for you since that night and—"
River's expression crumpled and V was horrified that he didn't know why.
"River—Agh!"
The tinnitus returned full force, a headache splitting his brain in two. Sticky warmth was trickling from his nostrils and dripping onto his chin as he raised a hand to hold his bowing body up against the dashboard.
With a hand buried in his hair, tight grip threatening to pop the strands from his scalp, V allowed River to push him back into the passenger's seat. He didn't even know he'd started slipping out of it.
"Gotta get you to a ripperdoc."
"N-No ripperdoc. It'll pass."
Even if it was on its way out, the headache did not pass quick enough for River's liking.
"V." River swore under his breath in a tone V recalled bearing witness to only once. Randy had still been missing and feared dead at the time.
"A ripper won't help, River. Please, take me inside?"
"What the hell are you—" River furrowed his brow, looking more troubled and confused than V had ever seen him. The guy always looked like he had a handle on life, no matter how lax a grip, like he knew a million different ways to tackle a problem and always come out with a solution. River was a sturdy, solid buffer that V had welcomed into his life with open arms. A respite from the growing trail of bodies, pain, and dread. Another reason why he needed to come see him. He was a little distressed to see the mask chip and fall away like that.
River looked so...sad. Defeated.
Like he knew.
V opened his mouth and promptly choked on whatever he was going to say, an emotion he'd been suppressing for weeks bubbling up and clogging his throat. He could feel his face twisting up with the agony of it.
"You have to talk to me," said River as he leaned over V's lap and fumbled around in the glove box for something V couldn't see. After a bout of cursing, River made a noise of triumph, and a small rag of questionable sanitation was brought up to wipe away the blood drying on V's upper lip and chin.
"I already told you, it's fi—"
"Why do we always have to start serious conversations like this?"
"With one of us bullshitting the other?" V guessed. The smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of his mouth, "Get called out, bullshit some more, then we finally unload the emotional constipation?"
River's brow was still bunched with worry, his eyes flitting all over V's form, probably checking for any damage he hadn't previously seen. But he still smiled big and true at the poor attempt at a joke. V had never been one to describe someone's smile before, but there were a few people he made exceptions for in nearly every regard. River had a serene sort of smile. A pretty smile.
He supposed Jackie also had one of those smiles V somehow loved. He grinned so hugely that his flesh struggled to compensate for the wiring in his face. It was disgustingly contagious, too. That smile got V on board with so many gonk sounding jobs and schemes way too often.
Evelyn's little simper, too. The flash of teeth and the gentle curve of lips cut through her serious demeanor like a hot knife through butter. She didn't look like she did a lot of smiling just to smile. Like she had anything be happy about so genuinely. He hadn't known her long, but he'd grown to care about her on some level. It's a shame what happened to her. She didn't deserve...
"...water? Hey, you there?" V blinked and River's concerned face filled his vision.
"Shit, sorry," V rasped, his waning strength forcing him to let River hold him up since he apparently had the same stability as wet dough, "I'm just...tired."
"Not on your way out, right?" The question frightened V. Sent a thin strip of monowire to wrap around his gut and squeeze.
"No, no, I just—need sleep. I need to rest for a while." Maybe if he drilled it into someone else's head that he wasn't rapidly fading away and unraveling at the seams, he could believe it himself.
"Then you'll tell me what's going on?"
Like he wasn't unintentionally throwing around ultimatums, River didn't wait for V to answer. Just hooked his arms under his knees and back and pulled him close to carry him to the trailer.
"Just gotta...sleep."
"Go ahead, I gotcha."
V barely made it to the porch before he clocked out.
******
When V came to, he was in bed, a blanket pulled up to his shoulders. He opened his bleary eyes to the sight of Johnny Silverhand, a scowl on his face as he stared at V from his place against the bedroom wall.
'Funny seeing you here,' V said to him, partially intending to be light about it and failing. He noted the weight of an arm wrapped snug over his waist, a broad chest rising and falling steadily, placing River at his back.
'When you suddenly decided that a nightcap was a good idea, I thought I'd give you some privacy.' Johnny drawled, he sounded distant.
'Like either of us have that anymore.'
Johnny made an agreeing noise, crossing his arms as he broke eye contact to focus on something at the far side of the room, 'Still,' his cybernetic hand came up, pulled the glasses from his face then fell to hang over his flesh arm, just dangling there, 'There's a lot of shit going on in your head. The lines are blurring, V. For a minute I thought I was the one scared half to death.'
V didn't respond, waiting for him to elaborate but that was all the clarity Johnny was willing to give.
'The bastard sat there crouched over your side of the bed for an hour making sure you didn't die in your sleep.'
V felt a strange mix of surprise and guilt at those words. Then with shame, he remembered the look on River's face when his vision was clear enough to make out the fear there. V must've looked worse off than he felt if it were that much cause for concern.
'You made a call. Prioritized making sure you saw someone you loved one last time before you checked out. Can't blame you for that.'
'I didn't think I was gonna die, Johnny.'
'Bullshit. I feel it every time the relic malfunctions. It's getting worse every day. And every time you have an attack, there's always that thought that you're gonna croak before you mean to. Shit scares me too, y'know.'
What scared him? V or himself expiring because of this hopeless situation? Johnny's gaze slid back over to V, then dropped to the floor. He got a glimpse of vulnerability in Johnny's face before the aviators were slid back on and the scowl returned to its rightful place. V half expected Johnny to flicker out of view after that. Instead, he just stood there, arms crossed and staring moodily at the floor.
"I'm so fucking terrified." V choked out in a half whisper half sob. He didn't mean for it to come out like that. The words coming out at all triggered some unwanted yet predisposed feelings to come to light in the form of choked off sobbing and tears, at least to the air around them—to River if he was awake listening. V was somewhat relieved to feel the arm around him tighten.
He didn't want to die. At first, he was scared, desperate to save his skin from the invader in his brain. When Viktor told him his days were numbered, that it was unlikely there'd be any way to remove the biochip without instantaneously killing himself, he felt hopeless. Like the walls were closing in and he was suffocating. Then Johnny had to pop in and slap some sense into him. For a while, V had been running on spite and spite alone to purge the nuisance that felt the need to antagonize him at every corner.
Then River, and Judy, and the Aldecaldos happened. And Johnny was beginning to feel more like a friend nowadays. Flatlining and leaving them all behind, or potentially leaving Johnny to wander aimlessly in the abyss past the Blackwall left a shitty taste in his mouth.
Everything was so fucked up.
'I know, kid.' said Johnny.
"You'll be okay." River whispered into V's hair.
V continued to sob.