Work Text:
"okay, mr. halpert, your outfit is fire, your hair looks great, your face is perfect as always, and your sense of humor is still intact. i may not be a genius, but i can guarantee you have a one-hundred percent chance of kicking ass tonight."
"stop talking like that, you're so fucking annoying," jim grumbles, pacing around his room.
"jim, she's already, like, way into you. there's no way she won't fall head over heels in love after this."
"but she's so much cooler than i am, and she's such a good artist, and i'm not good at anything."
"dude, shut the fuck up," ryan hits the back of jim's head, "you're good at everything, also you're really hot. there's nothing not to like. who cares if she's an artist, that doesn't mean you're any less cool."
"yes, it does, and it's seriously gonna fuck me over."
"no, it doesn't, and the only thing that's gonna fuck you over is your insecurities, so maybe grow a pair. you are cool."
suddenly jim's eyes go wide, or at least wider than usual, and maybe ryan wouldn't have noticed if it was anyone else, but it's jim, and he knows when something's wrong with jim.
"what?"
"what if she wants to kiss me?" he asks, running a hand through his hair nervously.
"pump the breaks, halpert, it's your first date." ryan rolls his eyes playfully.
"okay, but what if?"
"then let her kiss you?" ryan suggests, "i don't know what you want me to say, do you like, not want to kiss her or something?"
"no, i do. i've just," jim pauses, looking to his feet, "i've never kissed anyone before."
"okay? and?"
"c'mon, man, you've had girlfriends before, you've gotta know something about it."
"something about what, jim?"
"kissing people."
"i'm not gonna fucking tell you how to kiss someone, jim, that sounds like the most awkward thing in the world that probably wouldn't even help you." ryan retorts, rolling his eyes again.
"you could show me," jim says, his voice becoming eerily serious.
ryan snorts, "with who? your mom?"
"kiss me, ryan."
ryan's face goes blank. his mouth is dry within seconds. his heart is racing already and he's sure his face his bright red; he wants time to stop, and he wants to disappear, and he can hardly even put a coherent thought together because jim won't stop staring at him.
"sure, whatever," ryan mumbles, far too quietly to sound comfortable with the idea, but he knows if he had spoken any louder he would have been a stuttering mess.
"you be the girl, okay?"
"what the fuck do you mean?"
"just like, be submissive or something," jim scratches his head thoughtfully, "i don't know what girls do when you kiss them. just do it."
"you realize me being submissive means you doing all the work, right?"
"fuck, i don't know, just kiss me, dude."
"yeah," ryan takes a step towards jim, leaving a good six or so inches between them, "okay."
"okay."
ryan looks intently into his best friend's eyes for far too long, only then realizing that his nails are cutting into the palms of his hands because of how tight he's clenching his fists.
"hey, this is happening in like an hour. we don't have time for you to do the part before the kiss too. i've seen movies, i get it. cut to the chase."
"don't fucking rush me, halpert, i'm getting in the zone."
"that's weird, and i am rushing you. kiss me. right now."
"fine," ryan brings his hand to jim's waist, takes a deep breath, and prays to god he won't have a heart attack. he leans forward and his eyes fall to jim's lips, parted, beautiful, eager. he's pretty sure their foreheads touch before their lips do, but it doesn't last long before he presses his mouth to jim's.
he gives jim a few soft kisses as he tries to figure out what to do next, because he doesn't really have that much experience kissing people, most of what he's bragged about in the past was either heavily exaggerated or entirely fabricated, and the little knowledge he does have had disappeared from his mind the minute their lips touched.
he decides the only logical next step is to insert his tongue into jim's mouth, something that he quickly realizes probably wasn't so logical as jim shoves him away.
"what the hell?" he exclaims, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.
"what? you told me to kiss you. it's not like you went into detail about what i could and couldn't do, so i'm sorry if it's not perfect." ryan defends himself, fully knowing he shouldn't have done what he did.
"we're not gonna be fucking frenching on our first date, you get that, right? i don't need you to do that shit, okay?"
"well, you could have said that beforehand if you knew you didn't want me to. you're literally making me do this, i'm doing this for you. you drive me crazy someti-"
ryan is cut off by jim's mouth on his own again, working at a quick pace, this time with more energy than before. he can't tell if jim's really mad at him, but he thinks he's probably feeling something, right? he can't just be thinking about pam, right?
and then jim's tongue is in his mouth, and he almost pulls away to call him out for being a hypocrite, but it feels way too good to ruin. jim's pushing against his tongue, and he's trying his best to be submissive like he was told, but he can't help but push back a bit. jim pulls away, which ryan objects to, but doesn't fight too hard.
"can i try something?" he asks, panting. ryan nods. he tilts ryan's head up and leans down, listening to his uneven breath for a few seconds before touching his lips to his neck. ryan inhales sharply as jim kisses his skin. he rests his hand on jim's shoulder, rubbing back and forth in a pathetic attempt to give him even a fraction of the pleasure he's getting.
"fuck," he breathes.
"what?" jim pulls away.
"uh," his face is on fire, "you bit me."
"no, i didn't."
ryan offers nothing in response but a painfully fake laugh.
"does it feel good?" jim asks, almost smirking.
"yeah, she'll really like it."
"c'mon, man," jim chuckles, "you know i'm not gonna do that to her tonight, right?"
"oh, no, yeah, some other time for sure. way too soon. good to have practice, though."
"yeah, really good."
ryan feels a chill run through his spine as jim backs away from him, clearing his throat.
"i'm glad i could help, i guess," he says.
"me too. i feel a lot better now," jim cracks his knuckles and turns to look at himself in the mirror, "i'm not really in the mood to go on a date, though. wanna stay over?"
"no, you're going on your date," ryan tells him firmly.
"i don't think i want to anymore. i think i'm gonna cancel."
"jim, it's pam. you have a date with pam, you've literally been waiting for this forever. you're not gonna cancel."
"i'd rather hang out with you," jim says, turning back around.
ryan tries his best not to smile, because he's trying to be angry right now, but he's sure jim can see him crack a little. "so you made me kiss you for nothing?"
jim takes a few steps towards him, "it wasn't for nothing."
"what was it for, james?" ryan feels his heart rate pick up again as he involuntarily drags his tongue across his bottom lip.
"i don't want to tell you."
and ryan's bitchy mind rejoices at the chance he's been waiting for all day, putting on his brattiest voice as he steps closer to jim, tilting his head up to make eye contact, "you could show me."