Chapter Text
Everyone's deals with guilt differently. Some people avoid the subject of their guilt, whether it be a person or a certain place or avoiding a specific topic of conversation. Others talk it out with others, ranting for hours on how they feel. Some people do all they can fix the thing they feel guilty with constant apologies and giving up all their time to fix what they felt they ruined. Some people let it out through crying or screaming. Others kept themselves busy as to not think about it. Others let guilt consume their thoughts.
Others, used extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms. Drinking, drugs, self harm, punishing themselves.
Catra denied herself food.
The clench in her stomach, the growling it made reminded her that she didn't deserve such a thing. The hunger pains were her way of punishing herself for all the evil she had committed. It was easy to do. Hunger was a punishment she had received plenty of times during her childhood. It wasn't absurd in her mind to not eat for a few days, despite the headaches and weakness she experienced after a day or two.
She didn't know when she's started to starve herself. It had to be after the war had ended. Everyone was busy, planning to rebuild Etheria and all the damage Horde Prime had done. No one seriously spoke out against the ex-Horde general walking around Brightmoon along with the princesses. In fact, many citizens had welcomed Catra with gratitude and praise. Not as much as they gave the others, but still.
Catra didn't understand why anyone thought to thank her. She felt all the praise should be given to Adora and the rest of the real heroes. They had done good and only good for the universe. They deserved the celebration and praise, not her.
Ever since Adora had rescued her from Horde Prime, Catra has had a lot of time to think. Think of all the people she'd hurt and lives she'd destroyed. She had become a monster, cold-hearted and angry. It hurt to think back to all the times she hurt Adora, willingly. Yeah, she held back from using full strength, but she still hurt her. Catra had no idea how Adora could forgive her for that, how any of them could.
She didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to stay in the palace, in a comfy bed, eat their food, walk freely around as an equal. Catra couldn't believe it. As they weeks went by, no one even suggested punishing her or keeping her locked up in a cell. No one. It didn't make sense. They all let her help plan rebuilding strategies, asking her for suggestions and a hand to help with manual labor.
Catra jumped at the idea to help out and made good use of her time. She helped out at any hour of the day. The days would sometimes go on from sunrise til dark. Catra sometimes skipped meals in order to keep working. She felt the hunger a distraction from the dark pit in her gut. It helped her to lift some of that overwhelming guilt she constantly felt.
Hunger became her distraction.
It seemed to snowball from there. She'd refuse meals throughout the day, finding excuses to not be around when dinner was served. She'd hide out until well after to return to the others, making up a lie that she wasn't hungry. No one seemed to catch on, not even Adora. Bless her heart, Adora was the most gullible person Catra had ever met. It was pretty easy to assure her she was fine. Of course, since they were dating, it was trickier to escape from her sight in order to hide during mealtimes. Not that Catra wanted to hide from Adora. She loved Adora and was overjoyed to finally get to have her in her life the way she'd dreamt of for so long.
However, if Adora knew Catra was starving herself, she'd blame herself and worry a ton. So, to spare her of her own guilt, Catra withdrew from her social life even more, hoping no one would notice and that she could willingly become a background character to everyone. That was another reason to eat less.
These people, her friends, had to deal with so much now because of her. Of what she did while in command in the Horde. She couldn't help but feel, deep down, that she didn't belong there with them. Taking up their resources, their food, their space. So, she decided to take up as little space as possible. She wanted to stop being a burden to those she loved as much as possible.
It's not like she mattered.
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As the days turned into weeks, it seemed as though everyone was watching her. Whenever she was around the others, she caught their stares more than a handful of times. They almost looked concerned, but Catra always looked away, avoiding looking anyone in the eye.
She had gotten skinnier, her bones starting to stick out a bit more when she looked in the mirror. Catra started to notice her clothes were looser on her, no longer tight. The constant light-headedness she felt was a minor fault she had to power through along with the constant physical weakness and cold she felt.
It became normal soon enough. The hunger twisted up painfully inside her more often, sometimes making her double over on the floor. Catra would hide away until the pain subsided and would nibble on a cracker or two to keep herself from fainting. On those days, water was her salvation. She made sure to have water on her most of the day in case the hunger pains grew to be too much.
But it was worth it to her. She felt so much better, like the weight of guilt was gone. Finally.
However, it seemed the others had started to notice something wasn't right. Mainly, Adora.
Adora had suddenly started asking Catra if she was alright to which Catra rolled her eyes and said she was fine. However, the more time went by, the less Adora seemed to believe her.
By the time two weeks went by, Catra eating as little as possible, the rest of the gang began to approach her, offering to share a snack or to join them for meals, asking where she's been or if she had lost weight. Catra could see what seemed to be concern in their faces, but didn't believe they actually cared. It had to be fake.
One day, Catra was sitting under a tree with Melog. The lack of food intake had drained her energy, so she found herself growing easily exhausted and shaky when standing. Today she'd been helping Glimmer plan a ball for the end of the war celebration. Glimmer had noticed her lack of energy at some point, Catra rubbing her temples, and suggested they take a break. It was dinner time anyway.
After making up another one of her excuses, saying she'd catch up after taking Melog for a walk, she fled to the palace gardens. Melog had been awfully quiet, sticking close by to her.
Catra knew that Melog knew what she had been doing to herself. Melog was a part of her now, connected to her emotions, so obviously he felt the negative emotions. Luckily, he didn't suffer the physical punishment she was inflicting on herself.
At least she didn't have to worry about having someone innocent, needlessly suffer with her. Of course Melog had tried to talk sense into Catra, but Catra was too far gone to stop. It was hopeless, so they stuck by her side, occasionally bringing her snacks to eat when she was doubled over with hunger pains or a blanket when she was freezing. Melog was the best.
She didn't deserve them. Melog deserved a better partner. She told them just as much, but Melog simply licked her face, purring gently.
So, there they were, sitting under the shade, Melog once again attempting to get Catra to eat the smallest amount of food.
Catra rolled her eyes.
"I'm not eating, buddy. I'm fine." Her head was pounding, her body weakly trembling.
She has to remind herself why she was doing this.
It's what I deserve. Pain.
Catra looked up at her alien companion. Melog had a pack of salt crackers on his mouth, the being pawing her leg gently. Catra looked at the pack in his mouth, her stomach aching for something, anything. Catra winced.
"No, Melog. I can't eat. You know I won’t."
Melog gave what seemed like a cry. Dropping the unopened pack of crackers by her hand, Melog nudged her. He was clearly worried. Catra didn't want anyone to worry. She wanted everyone to forget she even existed. To ignore her. Or at least hate her.
Sighing, she leaned her head back. Wrong move when everything started spinning. Catra squeezed her eyes shut, deciding to lie down. Black spots danced in front of her eyes. Great, she was gonna pass out.
Passing out wasn't alarming to Catra at this point. She just let it happen, darkness taking over her vision, lying with her cheek pressed against the grass. The last thing she saw was Melog.
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Melog knew something was wrong with his companion. She wasn't responsive to any licking or sounds. He walked around, wondering what to do.
Her mate. Adora. Adora can help his friend. She always helped his friend.
Melog checked to see if Companion was breathing. Once they were sure, they quickly set off back into the castle. They ran past servants and staff, running through the halls, checking in any room for their targets.
They heard commotion in the food hall. Entering the room, Melog saw the other humans. Companions' friends. They all sat around the table, talking. In the middle of the group was Adora. She was with the pink friend and the friend with arrows. Melog ran up to the table, jumping up onto it.
Normally, Melog wouldn't do this. His companion had told him not to. However, Companion was in need and Melog couldn't care less about rules at a time like this. Upon seeing Melog, everyone's attention was on them. Approaching Adora, Melog meowed, bumping her chest with their head.
Adora looked confused for a moment.
"What's Melog doing?" Arrow friend asked.
Pink friend looked at Adora, worry on her face.
"Wasn't he with Catra just now?"
Adora's eyes widened, fear clear in her eyes. Finally, they understood something was wrong.
Adora looked at Melog, standing up.
"Melog. Is it Catra? Are you trying to tell me something about Catra?"
Melog nodded, relieved at being understood without much effort.
Adora gasped.
"Is she ok? Where is she?"
"Can you take us to her, buddy?" The sharp, red, scorpion friend of Companion spoke up.
Melog wasted no time and hopped off the table, exiting the room, the humanoid friends not far behind. Melog led them to the garden, making sure the others were keeping up. Leading the group back where they left Companion, Melog saw her still not awake.
"Catra!" Companion's mate screamed in horror, running to her.
Melog stayed nearby, but out of the way while his companion was finally getting taken care of. His quest was complete.
"We need to get to the medical room!"
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Adora paced the hall. The gentle footsteps of her boots on the floor was barely audible.
Bow and Glimmer watched her, feeling absolutely helpless.
"How did we not notice?", Adora pondered out loud. "She stopped eating in front of us, skipped meals and made excuses. She got so small. Well, smaller than she already was. Why didn't she say something was wrong? I don't understand."
"Don't blame yourself." Bow said. "We all saw what you saw. If it's your fault, then we're all guilty. We spent just as much time with her as you did."
Adora sighed, running her fingers through her hair.
"Yeah, but-"
"Adora."
Adora stopped pacing. Castaspella stood there, a soft expression on her face.
"She didn't tell you because she didn't want you to know about it."
Adora's brows scrunched together in confusion.
"Why would she not want me to know?" She asked.
Casta sighed. She walked over to the three younger adults. Sitting down, tucking her legs underneath, she motioned for Adora to sit as well. Adora sat down, waiting for an explanation.
"When people suffer from eating disorders, they usually hide it from others, afraid of judgement." Casta explained. "She knew you'd freak out if she told you about her not eating. It's probably why we haven't seen her around as much. She hides so no one notices the strange behavior. Catra hiding away isn't all the abnormal."
Adora couldn't argue with that. Catra was shy by nature.
"Wait." Glimmer spoke up. "Aren't eating disorders about wanting to be skinny?"
Casta nodded. "Sometimes, that is the case, however sometimes it can happen for other reasons. A lot of the times, people start starving themselves to gain some kind of control in their lives when they feel they have none. Sometimes, it's a coping skill for stressors or another underlying issue they're trying to deal with on their own. Sometimes they do it to punish themselves. The pain is a form of self harm or the person doesn’t believe they deserve to eat."
Self harm. Stress. Weight loss.
Adora buried her face in her hands.
"Poor Catra. She was suffering and didn't tell a soul. She must've felt so alone."
"There's many reasons why someone might end up like this. I'm guessing Catra has finally crashed after not eating for however many days. I'm guessing it's been a while since she last had a full meal."
Adora raised her head, a defeated look on her face. This was more serious than she knew how to handle. Catra’s life was on the line and there’s wasn’t a physical villain Adora could defeat with a sword or her fists. It made her feel helpless.
"What do we do now? How do we help her?"
Casta sighed. "Well, the main thing is to let her know she isn't alone and that she is loved. I don't know if she'll say why she's doing this to herself but she'll need to see a therapist and definitely a doctor to help her safely gain the weight back and make sure her system hasn't taken any damage. She looks very weak and bony. Eating disorders are very deadly if they go on for a long time untreated. Heart attacks will happen and usually is what kills the person."
Heart attack. Deadly.
Glimmer reached out, clutching Adora's hand, supportively.
"Don't worry. We're gonna do all that we can to help her. She means a lot to us and we're in this together. We'll see what happens when she wakes up and if she'll talk to us. Then, we'll go from there. We'll figure it out, Adora. Together. The important thing is to let her know we're glad that she's ok and that she's not alone."
Castaspella nodded in agreement.
"And to not be angry with her. She must already be in a dark headspace. Plus, this isn't her fault. Eating disorders are tricky to recover from. It's the mind that has to be healed in order to recover. Something is going on with her mentally that's going to keep her stuck in this cycle unless the underlying issue is addressed."
Adora nodded. She was still unsure, but she felt better. Less alone. The sound of the door swinging open brought their attention.
The castle doctor walked into the hall, closing the door behind her. The group stood up, waiting for what she had to say.
"She's stable and awake." The woman informed them, smiling softly.
A rush of relief washed over the group. Catra was ok. She was alive. That’s all that mattered.
"What caused this?" Castaspella asked, even though she already knew.
"Malnourishment." The doctor replied. "I have her on IV fluids at the moment. She says she hasn't eaten in nearly two weeks."
Two weeks. Two weeks and they hadn't done anything.
Adora swallowed.
"Will she be alright?" She asked, her voice wavering.
The doctor smiled sadly.
"If we can get her to agree to see the nutritionist and a therapist, then yes. Do you want to see her?"
Adora nodded eagerly.
The doctor opened the door, stepping aside. Melog slipped in without hesitation.
Adora would have normally laughed at the eagerness, but she felt the same way.
The small group went into the room, the door closing behind them. There was an area in the corner, where beds were stationed. Adora saw Catra lying on a bed. She walked towards her.
Catra was so tiny, the blankets swallowing her up. The IV bad was hooked up beside the bed, transferring the liquid needed to sustain her, going into her arm. She looked exhausted, her cheeks slightly sunken in, bags under her eyes. Catra was staring into space, avoiding eye contact.
Adora sat down slowly on the bed, not knowing how to even greet her.
She sighed shakily.
"You really scared us, Cat." She said. "We're so happy that you're ok. How do you feel?"
Catra looked up at Adora, confused.
"You..... you're glad I'm ok?" She asked, almost in disbelief.
Adora nodded.
"Yeah. Why wouldn't we be? Catra, when we found you on the ground, out cold, I almost thought you were dead. You've become so thin and you don't eat. Catra, you're worrying us all. You really are and we have no idea what to do. What happened? Cuz you're beautiful just the way you are. If this is about weight...."
Catra chuckled, rolling her eyes.
"No, Adora. I didn't do this to make myself beautiful."
"Then why?" Adora pleaded, exasperated. "Catra, you could die-"
"Good." Catra spat.
Glimmer gasped. Adora looked shocked.
"Good?? What do you mean good? Was that the goal?"
Catra scoffed, looking away.
"Don't pretend to care. I know no one would really miss me if I died. I'm nothing but a burden on you all. Just someone who doesn't deserve to be alive. Not after all I've done to you."
Adora looked at her friends.
"Are you talking about what happened during the war?" She asked, looking back at Catra.
Catra nodded.
"Yeah. Everyday is a reminder that I'm only here because you all are too nice to kill me. You all go about your day as if I didn't almost kill you multiple times. You act like I'm not a monster and that you don't secretly wish I was dead."
Adora watched in shock, Catra softly crying, tears running down her face. Catra sniffled.
"I don't understand why you let me live. I'm nothing but an evil murderer. This is my way of punishing myself since no one else seems to want to. It's what I deserve for all the lives I've destroyed. I feel like I'm the only one here who seems to be aware that I don't deserve to be alive."
Catra wiped her face.
"Maybe Shadow Weaver had a point to all those times she punished me. I only bring destruction and misfortune and I deserve only to suffer since I made everyone around me suffer."
Adora shook her head.
"That's not true." She argued.
Catra looked up at her.
"I've hurt you the most! How could you sit there and tell me I deserve to live? You have to hate me. Why don't you hate me?"
Adora had tears in her eyes. She watched her girlfriend sob, holding herself. She reached out and took her hand.
"Listen to me, Catra." She pleaded, doing her best to keep her voice steady.
Catra looked at her briefly before looking away. She kept her hand there. That was good.
Adora took a breath.
"I know that after so many years of pain and the world being against you, you start to think that maybe they're right. Maybe you don't deserve good things, but that's not true. You didn't deserve to get abused back then and you don’t deserve self abuse now. You aren't evil, Catra."
Catra scoffed but said nothing. Adora sighed.
"Do you know why I saved you from Prime?" She asked.
Getting no reply, she continued.
"When Glimmer told us that you had saved her, I started to realize that there is good in you and always has been. You cared enough to get her back to us, even if it meant you dying as a result. You said you did it to keep me safe. You literally died for me. You died in my arms, Catra."
Adora blinked back tears at the memory. Catra's face softened. She squeezed Adora's hand comfortingly.
"Evil people wouldn't do that kind of thing. You even said you loved me at the heart of Etheria because you wanted me to at least know, and you brought me back. You saved my life without knowing it would happen. Monsters don't love anyone but themselves. You aren't a monster. Not to anyone here. Yes, there may be some people who will hate you, but the people who love you should mean so much more. You have friends and a family here, Catra. We care about you and don't want you to suffer. You've suffered enough, don't you think? So, please, forgive yourself. It's extremely hard, I know, but please."
Adora slowly shook her head.
"I can't live without you, Catra. I want you around and to be happy. You deserve it. So, please let us help you and tell us what's going on. We've all noticed you get smaller and thinner every week. You don't eat anymore. Why?"
Catra's ears pressed against her head.
"It helps with the guilt. I feel like I don't deserve to be with you all. I'm not good enough to deserve all these nice things. To eat your food. I'm taking up space that I don't deserve. So, I decided that I'd take up as little space as possible. I was hoping everyone would just stop noticing me, but you all only gave me more attention. I didn't mean to worry anyone. I thought you all would think I'm a burden on you. That's why I started to hide away. So I didn't burden anyone."
"You're not a burden." Glimmer spoke up.
Catra looked at the young queen. She tiredly smiled.
"Hey. You worried about me?" She teased half-heartedly.
Glimmer smiled back sadly. She nodded.
"You really gave us a scare, Horde scum. Adora is right. We love you, and we want nothing but the best for you. None of our friends hate you. You are a part of the team and our family. You mean so much to me. To Adora, Bow, the other princesses. It was so quiet without you around lately and not the good kind. There wasn't anyone to pick on us or start fights with Adora or be the cutest angry fur ball we all know you are."
Catra scowled, rolling her eyes.
"We want our Catra back. Stubborn brat and all. You've become an important part of us and to watch you slowly fade away hurts so bad."
"I'm sorry." Catra said meekly. "I didn't want to hurt anyone. I thought by starving, I'd be doing you all a favor."
Catra seemed lost in thought for a moment. She sighed.
"I'm really fucked up, huh? I have no idea what to do. I'm addicted to this hunger. It makes me feel better emotionally and I'm not great with dealing with my emotions. I nearly pointlessly killed myself, but I can't stop. It feels too good at this point."
She sheepishly glanced at Adora.
"Um... I also sort of started to think that maybe by starving and getting skinnier, you'd somehow love me more and that you wouldn't think I'm a disappointment of a girlfriend. Crazy, I know, but I can't help but think that."
Adora's heart broke. She gently squeezed her girlfriend's hand.
"You're not a disappointment to me. Never have been. Catra, we're gonna help you get through this, if you want. We'll get you into therapy and to see a doctor to help you gain the weight back. We'll be there for you."
Catra seemed a little hesitant.
"Promise?"
Adora nodded, her face as serious as possible.
"For you, of course I promise. I love you. It's gonna alright."
Catra sighed. She closed her eyes, obviously exhausted. She suddenly winced, tightening her grip on Adora.
"Dizzy." She explained after a moment.
"I'll get you some water." Bow spoke up before walking away.
Catra opened her eyes slowly. She looked up at Adora.
"I'm sorry. I'm such a mess."
Adora shrugged.
"I know. We're both messes. You're a cute mess, though."
Catra rolled her eyes, smiling. Adora giggled.
"Shut up, idiot."
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So, they began Catra's recovery journey. She started to see a therapist, a woman about twice her age. She was great. Never even said anything rude back when Catra was snippy. They got on great.
Adora had sat in on a few sessions, simply listening to the conversation. If prompted, she'd encouraged Catra to talk or to jump in when Catra was having a hard time.
The eating plan was a different story. Catra was terrified of food. She had no idea why, but she cried at the thought of eating.
So, they went slow. In the meantime, Catra used a feeding tube in order to get food in. Catra wasn't happy about it.
Adora worked with the nutritionist to get Catra back into a good eating habit. It took a while, tons of coaxing and therapy sessions. But it happened. Catra ate something. It was only a few grapes, and the guilt of taking food was screaming at her in her head, telling her to stop.
Catra had apologized to Glimmer right after for eating. Glimmer reassured her she deserved to eat. That it was ok. Slowly, slowly Catra started to believe it.
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Catra stared down at the sandwich, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. Her hands fiddled with it, occasionally lifting up the bread, staring at the ham and cheese inside. It was a simple sandwich. Nothing too bad.
That didn't stop her brain from begging her to run. It screamed at her not to eat it. Waste of food, space. Catra sighed, frustrated with herself. She looked up at her friends. They were all eating their sandwiches with no problem, talking amongst themselves. It was a nice change. She missed this. Catra looked beside her, making eye contact with Adora. The literal goddess was picking at her own food, obviously trying to give Catra some space. It was endearing.
Catra reached out and lightly pushed Adora's shoulder, gaining her attention. Catra smiled gently at her girlfriend.
Adora smiled back. She looked at the uneaten sandwich on Catra's plate.
"Having trouble?" She asked.
Catra nodded, her ears flattening. She subtly wrapped her tail around Adora's arm to ground herself.
"It just looks like a lot."
Adora reached out and picked up Catra's sandwich. She tore it in half. Then did the same to those two. There were now four smaller pieces on the plate. It surprisingly helped calm Catra's nerves. It didn't look so impossible anymore.
Picking a piece, Catra took a small bite. Placing it back down on the plate, she covered her mouth as she ate. It took a while, but finally Catra had taken her last bite and her plate was empty.
Catra beamed, looking up at Adora. Adora matched her enthusiasm.
"You did it, baby!" Adora cheered.
The others looked at the couple. They realized why they were so ecstatic and joy seemed to bubble up.
"That's my Wildcat!!" Scorpia exclaimed proudly. "You go, best friend."
Bow raised his hands up in surrender.
"Back up, we've got a badass over here. She's kicking anorexia's ass and all that."
The group laughed and had a small celebration. Catra couldn't help but feel excited like everyone. She actually felt happy for the first time in months. Really happy. Maybe it had to do with the therapy sessions, and the constant reassurance from everyone, but the guilt was but a whisper in the back of her head. She might never completely get rid of it, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Guilt meant she wasn't a monster after all.
It wasn't controlling and keeping her stuck. She was finally able to move forward. Little steps and a few backslides, but it was progress. She had support now. Amazing friends, an incredibly strong and loving girlfriend.
Catra finally felt that things were gonna be ok.